Monday, June 3, 2013
"...and as they both sink beneath the waves, the frog cries out, "Why did you sting me, Mr. Scorpion? For now we both will drown!" Scorpion replies, "I can't help it. It's in my nature!" - Jody
"Who knows the secrets of the human heart?" - Col
"You ever try picking up your teeth with broken fingers?" - Fergus
Here's a classic thriller that is almost always ruined or preceded by someone already TELLING you what has happened or is going to happen and ruining the surprise for you. Kind of like that first M. Night Shamalama flick, SIXTH SENSE. I never watched that because someone told the deal before I even heard of it. So fuck it, why do I need to see it now? The suspense is gone. So for whatever reason, maybe you actually haven't heard of the deal with this movie and the surprise is intact, let me go ahead and put a giant *********** SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING!!!!! ************ on here, so that I'm not the one who f'd it all up for you. Also for some reason, I always got this movie mixed up with CRY BABY. So I was always like, "big deal, Johnny Depp has a weiner, who cares, nothing special." Anyway, that's a different movie. This one is Forrest Whitaker, a bunch of Irish people, and a few English blokes in THE CRYING GAME!!!
So Jody (Whitaker) is this British soldier cruising for some ass in Ireland at a country fair. He's got this one chick named Jude hemmed up and she lures him down toward some place where they can get comfortable. Much to the chagrin of our man Jody, it turns out to be a trap and a bunch of Irish IRA dudes jump outta the bushes and beat the hell out of him and tie him up. They mean to hold him for ransom and threaten to execute him if some IRA soldiers are not released by the British. They kind of know all along that the Brits are never going to release him, but they go along with their plan nonetheless. Fergus is one of them that is more sympathetic and gets put in charge of watching over Jody. He sits with him for pretty much the whole three days and they develop a strange friendship, or a least they bond. Fergus has to pull out Jody's wiener for him so he can piss. Guess they should've thought that kind of stuff out beforehand. Anyway, it starts to look bad, and the other IRA guys are calling Fergus out for being kind to Jody. They treat him like shit, and tell Fergus it won't be any easier when they have to kill him. Jody tells Fergus that if they do have to kill him, he wants him to go to England and tell his girl Dil that he loves her and she was the best thing ever, blah blah blah. He also tells him a little moral story about the nature of things called "the scorpion and the frog".
Well it comes time to do it, and Fergus walks him out into the woods and Jody makes a run for it. Fergus screams for him to stop, but Jody runs out into a road and get slammed into by a big British army truck. So he's essentially killed by his own people. Fergus runs like a bastard, and the IRA hideout is exposed and shot full of holes. Fergus then escapes to England. A few years go by I think and Fergus starts to feel bad about the whole thing and he's constantly haunted by the ghost of Jody playing cricket. He goes to find this Dil and ends up getting a haircut from her and then follows her to a bar. Dil takes to Fergus right away and you can tell she's kind of a quirky chick. She speaks through the bartender to "Jimmy" (which is what Fergus is calling himself while he's in hiding from the IRA). He sees her sing the song "The Crying Game" at the bar. She has this English dude treat her like shit in public on the reg, and finally Fergus reluctantly confronts the dude. He threatens him and then starts hanging with Dil. He's very careful though not to do anything to let on that he knew Jody. Only after a while he starts to comment on the pictures she still has up of him.
Fergus starts to fall in love with Dil and they take it slow. Finally one day they begin to make love at her apartment and the camera pans down and BIG REVEAL: SHE HAS A DICK!!! Fergus FREAKS out accidently hitting her and busting her nose on his way to the bathroom to puke! He then splits. Finally after a while he feels super bad about the whole thing and leaves her a note. She eventually forgives him because she's in love with him too. All of a sudden, two of his ex IRA pals show up! He thought they were dead. The chick Jude is a real bitch and she tells him that if he doesn't help them kill a judge they'll kill him and Dil. So ol Fergus is in a real pickle. He has to start treating Dil weirdly because he doesn't want to reveal his secret to her and he also doesn't want her killed.
So Fergus, who even though he feels weird about it, still loves Dil and wants to protect her. So he cuts her hair, and puts her in dudes clothes. He then goes and inspects place where he's to assassinate the judge. He returns and finds Dil drunk as hell. He stays with her overnight and confesses to her about Jody. When he wakes up he's tied to the bed, unable to meet up with the IRA and kill the judge. The one prick IRA guy tries to kill the judge himself and is killed. Jude hauls ass over to Dil's to kill them, but instead is shot several times by Dil and then shot in the neck. Dil almost kills Fergus too, but then tries to kill herself. Fergus talks her into hiding and then wipes her prints off the gun and takes the fall for her and is made to serve 6 years. Then we see Dil visiting Fergus in prison several months later and she's counting the days till he gets out. Dil asks Fergus why he took the fall, and he tells the story of the scorpion and the frog, relaying that it was in his nature. Plus it was his fault that Jody died, so he probably felt he needed to atone for his sins. Pretty great flick. Should you see it? Yeah, hopefully you already have and I didn't just ruin it for you. I did warn you though.