Bad/awesome flixxx review: The Last Dragon (1985)

"Now, what did I tell em when they said, 'a black man with a pizza shop in Harlem?' 'Just direct-a your feets-a to Daddy Green's Pizza!'" - Daddy Green

"And in the end, Eddie, you know what? You're nothing but a misguided midget asshole with dreams of ruling the world. Yeah, also from Kew Gardens. And also getting by on my tits." - Angela

"Well, well, well. If it ain't the serious, elusive Leroy Green. I've been waiting a long time for this, Leroy. I am sick of hearing these bullshit Superman stories about the - Wassah! - legendary Bruce Leroy catching bullets with his teeth. Catches bullets with his teeth? Nigga please." - Sho'Nuff

I bought this on DVD a while back thinking I remembered seeing something about a Bruce Leroy blaxploitation movie from later in the '70s. I was a bit wrong. This was basically an attempt by Berry Gordy of Motown Records fame to sell records from some of his newer artists like De Barge with a long player music video. That's a super bastardized version of the tale tho. In actuality its a mid 80s version of a blaxploitation kung fu movie that DID use a good portion of the flick to help sell records. Doesn't mean its unwatchable though. As a matter of fact its pretty good. Directed by Michael Schultz who did CAR WASH, KRUSH GROOVE and DISORDERLIES(!), with a cameo by William H. Macy and starring a lot of unknowns I give you THE LAST DRAGON!!!!





Ok, so "Bruce Leroy" or Leroy Green is a black belt dude living in Harlem in the mid 80s. His family owns a pizza shop, and his lil brother thinks he's weird. His master has taught him all that he can teach him, so he starts his own dojo and trains a bunch of kids. One day he goes to see a viewing of ENTER THE DRAGON and this bad ass dude name Sho'Nuff busts in with his crew claiming he's the prettiest and the baddest dude around, the shogun of harlem. He challenges Leroy every chance he gets, but Leroy chooses the path of least resistance all Bruce Lee style and won't fight unless he absolutely has to, like if he needs to protect someone. Meanwhile everyone in town goes to these dances at night where local celeb Laura Charles hosts the best new dance videos around and Leroy's lil bro goes to party there.



This actor Christopher Murney (the bible salesman in MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE) (remember him for my next review as well, I've been speaking of WEIRD connecting coincidences lately and its BLOWING MY MIND) (my dad thought he was Squiggy from LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY but he isn't) plays a character named Eddie Arcadian. He's a video game entrepreneur that also tries to make money by exploiting other people's talents. Lately he's exploiting his current girlfriend Angela who is like a really bad Cyndi Lauper type character. He wants Laura Charles to play her video and he won't take no for an answer. When Laura refuses, he tries to have his goons kidnap her from the club. Leroy intervenes and disappears. BUT- he drops his amulet given to him by his master who told him the only way to reach the "final level" was to take the amulet and search the city for him.



Laura finds his amulet, Sho'Nuff comes to the dojo and embarrasses Leroy, but Leroy still won't fight him, Leroy tries to find the master at this fortune cookie factory, Eddie Arcadian keeps trying to get Laura to play the vid, and then keeps trying to kidnap her. Leroy keeps foiling his plans. He gets his amulet back. Laura asks him to be her bodyguard. She wants to bang, but he keeps getting pulled away. There are a whole lot of dance sequences. They pretty much play the whole song of "Rhythm of the Night" by De Barge. I KNOW you remember it if you grew up in the 80s. It was all over the radio. I think it may have went to #1. Anyway, Leroy finds out that the fortune cookie shop has no "master" and then he's pissed and confused. Sho'Nuff comes and tears up Daddy Green's pizza shop. Leroy goes to his master and asks him why he bullshitted him. His master says you needed something to push you because I cannot anymore. Leroy desperately wants the "glow" which is what happens when you are the best. Your hands when you are ONE of the best, your whole body when you are THE best.



So Eddie Arcadian in a last ditch effort recruits Sho'Nuff to fight Leroy because he foiled all his plans. He kidnaps Laura, and takes her to the club. Then theres a long scene where Leroy kung fu's everyone on the dance floor. Then Sho'Nuff shows up and they have the final showdown. Leroy is scared cuz Sho'Nuff's hands glow, but then he figures it out last minute and his whole being glows when he reaches the final level. Then he kicks his ass, then he catches a bullet in his teeth! Yeah! Then he learns to dance! ha. well, sort of. Ok, Lucian watched this when we were in Europe and he thought it was almost unwatchable. I say its NOT THAT BAD. I mean its bad, but its certainly watchable. Especially if you like kung fu, blaxploitation, parody, or soul hits from the 80s. I say do it!

Bad/awesome flixxx review: Carnosaur (1993)

"You been watchin' too many of them I-talian zombie flicks." - waitress

"You know- a bobcat ate a fella when I was a little kid. It wasn't a local though, it was a hobo." - Friar

"Fryer- that is a 2 ton load of chickenshit- Hey Doc- you ever heard of a bobcat ate anybody's eyes? This was no bobcat. It sucked his eyes right outta his head" - cook

WOW. Perfect. This one is rough!! Another .80 cent Kansas City find, I've been looking for this one for a few years. I had only ever seen CARNOSAUR 3 on Syfy channel over the years, and its so ridiculous and awesome, I knew this one had to be just as good or better. I wasn't disappointed. In 1993 Roger Corman decided to usurp some of the Crighton/ JURASSIC PARK hype and come out with his own 'dinosaur in present day' flick. By this point, I'm thinking Corman was so old that they probably just go, "hey is this cool?" and he just nods his head yes, and they attach his name to it. But what do I know? Anyway, the clencher here for their classic "snaich"? They get Diane Ladd to play the lead since her daughter Laura Dern is one of the main characters in JPARK AND AND AND they rushed it out 2 weeks before JPARK's release. DOGGED. A very bad/good B pizza eating movie, Diane Ladd and Clint Howard star(?) in CARNOSAUR!!!





A weird thing happens throughout this movie where a paragraph in a small green font meant to give you some information concerning a contagious virus flashes on the screen every few scenes. Its super hard to read, but you can make out that they are trying to tell you that some virus is affecting a certain percentage of the population and as the movie goes on the virus seems to spread and infect more and more people. But they never really talk about it until the end of the movie. What does happen in the beginning is that in a chicken factory a rogue scientist lady has been tampering with the genetic code of these chickens and no one really knows what she is doing. A meeting is called by the government about this "known" rogue scientist lady and one of the head dudes asks which government contracted agency she is working for. One dude speaks up & claims she is working for them but they have no idea what she's up to because she gets a certain amount of time before she has to show them any results.



What IS happening is that she has successfully planted dinosaur DNA in chicken eggs. But these are bad dinosaurs, like aggressive carnivorous ones. And wouldn't you know it, One gets loaded into a chicken truck, gets through security JUST when they are closing it off, and hatches in the truck, escaping and killing the truck driver in the process. When word leaks, the head of the chicken farm wants answers and he's freaking out on the crazy scientist lady (Ladd). His daughter sneaks out to party with 2 dudes (kinky) and goes drinking and driving- out in a quarry - in a Jeep! (Coincidence that I just watched RAW DEAL? A few of these have been happening lately... more on that soon). They mysteriously get ravaged by what the cops think is a bobcat. Everyone thinks this crazy bobcat is tearing everyone to shreds, but leave it to a drunken night watchmen at the quarry to find out whats really goin' down.



'Doc' just happens to be a nightwatchman who likes to watch bad movies in his trailer. He's a fucking super alcoholic though, and always gets in fights with kids who come around drinking and screwing down in the quarry. One night he busts this pretty hot chick (the blond student from GHOSTBUSTERS) and holds her hostage til the black cowboy sheriff can pick her up. But he falls asleep and she escapes. The next morning when the sheriff takes him to the hippie commune to arrest the chick, Doc clams up and says he doesn't see her. She comes back to thank him, and they start up this unspoken flirting relationship. They run into a corpse one night and Doc starts to believe something more than bobcats are stalking this town. He goes to a diner and hangs out with Clint Howard who is funny as hell. More people keep getting killed, and those that don't get killed are getting this heavy virus that causes a fever. Clint Howard gets his head ripped off, and it pulls out his spinal cord (ALWAYS a good looking scene in a flick).



Hippie chick gets fever, Cowboy Curtis cop goes after dinosaur after he finds rotten eggs. Doc witnesses huge dino eating hippies in quarry. Somehow he knows to go to the chicken farm to confront Ladd. He gets her to explain the whole thing, then makes a joke poking fun at JPARK (which again wouldn't even hit theaters for 2 weeks. pretty cool). Then her secretary busts in and is sick and lays down a lays a fucking egg! A huge black dinosaur egg! Then she dies. Ladd explains she wants the dinosaurs to take over and she created the virus. Doc holds her hostage for the serum that can cure the fever, but not before blowing away some gooey eggs. Finally he gets it, and tries to split to save hippie girl. But Ladd sends him to a room where she has a full grown T REX hanging out with some lasers! He escapes somehow but so does the T REX. Ladd lays down to have an egg, but a fucking baby dinosaur busts out of her stomach! Awesome! Doc finally gets back to the quarry, but he knows that the T REX is on its way. So then there's a huge battle where him and the dying hippie girl fight the T REX with some backhoes! Finally after ripping the T REX's belly out with the shovel thing, Doc gives the hippie girl the serum hopefully keeping her from laying an egg. But just then, **************************HEAVY SPOILER WARNING************************

some government agents in full on Quarantine Nuke gear come in and shoot him and her to death in hopes of containing the virus. Then they burn the corpses!!! HA!!! fucking heavy!! I recommend getting a big thing of ice cream and some pizza and some burl sense buds for this one. Enjoy!

Bad/awesome flixxx review: Raw Deal (1986)

"The only way you'll ever end up lying next to me, Max, is if we're run down by the same car." - Monique

"Joseph P. Brenner. What's the "P" stand for?" - Cop
"Pussy" - Kaminsky

"Max, if you're the best there is, the wheel would never have been invented." - Kaminsky

"You should not drink and bake!" - Kaminsky

Another $1 purchase in Kansas City, this one being a (somewhat?) rare Schwarzenegger flick heavily overshadowed by the flicks he did before and after this one (COMMANDO and PREDATOR). There is nothing really special at all about this flick, its just your typical action flick, however I really enjoy these overshadowed often forgotten ones more than those that get totally chopped up by network tv and shown a gajillion times. Also this one has Arnie playing a down and out ex FBI agent who has to settle as a sheriff in a hick NC town. Double plus it stars Ralphie's dad from A CHRISTMAS STORY. You know him, you love him (or hate him according to if we're talking about movies or politics or not) the last action hero himself stars in RAW DEAL!!!!





Lovable, huggable Arnie plays Mark Kaminsky, an FBI agent who got canned by this worm of a District Attorney type guy on a witchhunt to clear the department of "loose cannons". Kaminsky gets relocated to Bumfuck, NC where he spends his days chasing blue light bandits on motorcycles in his jeep cherokee. Also his wife is an alcoholic who berates him day in and day out for bringing her to the sticks. Luckily for him in the beginning of the movie there's some kind of stake out going on, but the bad guys know about it, bust in and fucking annihilate a bunch of feds. We're talking full on bloodpacks exploding from chests and legs and headshots. Its a pretty grim scene to begin with and sets dudes up to yell "YES!" a lot right off the bat. When I say "Luckily for him" I mean that his old boss (Ralphie's Dad) 's son gets blown away in the ordeal.



This is just the opportunity Kaminsky needs to get out of his shitty situation. Ralphie's dad asks him to pull off this mission secret style, meaning no help from the feds, the pigs, nobody. If he does this, then he'll hire him back to the FBI. BUT one other thing--- he has to kill himself off. So Arnie drives his rig into a oil plant and blows the whole thing sky high. Death of Kaminsky, Birth of "Joseph P. Brenner". So Kaminsky/Brenner goes straight into pissing off these Chicago mobster dudes. First by driving a backhoe into their meth lab or coke den and then by bigshotting it around in one of their casinos. He offers up his services and snide remarks their main bodyguard guy Max igniting a feud betwixt them that lasts the remainder of the flick.



He also semi-seduces Max's girlfriend Monique who in the beginning tries to get the dish on him for Max, but then sort of falls for him. The reason the feds can't get to these mobsters is that there is a leak in the system. The leak turns out to be the same scumbag who got Kaminsky canned in the first place. Kaminsky/Brenner/Arnie keeps working his way up the ladder of the mobsters sort of like the guy in WISEGUYS or DONNIE BRASCO. Max is never convinced and finds evidence from the og pig who caught the real Brenner down in Florida. So he tattletales on Brenner and sets him up for a hit at a cemetary. The hit turns out to be on Ralphie's dad, and Brenner yells out and blows his cover. At the last second they blow away Max but Ralphie's dad is wounded. Arnie wants to help, but Ralphie's dad is like, "get outta here, if I die, its gonna take you a year to explain all this shit." So Arnie goes for his guns.



Ha! This is the part everyone's been waiting for for over an hour. Arnie walks into his closet and grabs a huge bag of insane machine guns. These are all Ramboed out with HUGE shells and look like they were leftovers from the COMMANDO shoot. It really doesn't make any sense that he'd be allowed to own these guns. But its still awesome. So he drives to a quarry(?) and kicks the windshield out of this Buick Le Sabre and SERIOUSLY theres a close up where he pops a tape in the tape deck and "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones comes on. And he starts mowing everyone down. Just whipping doughnuts in the quarry and not even aiming. Just emptying full clips. Then he goes to a casino and the same thing. Mowing everyone down. Kind of like the 80s PUNISHER flick with Dolph Lundgren. Then he kills the one guy, and then the main guy. Then he sees the leak guy and tells him he has to resign or be arrested. Basically the same thing that guy told him so long ago. The guy tries to shoot him, and he mows him down too. Then he gives that chick a bunch of bread probably cause he felt bad that he couldn't bang her cause he was already married. YEAH RIGHT. Who know why he gave her that bread?? He didn't owe her shit really. What a dumbass. Anyway, fast forward a bit, and Kaminsky is visiting Ralphie's dad at physical therapy. Ralphie's dad is crippled and he'll walk again if he'll only try. But he's being a big baby, and here's the sappy touching moment: Kaminsky tells Ralphie's dad that he's gotta try hard for the love he had for his son. So he tries and takes a few baby steps and they hug. Freeze frame. The End. Was it bad? Yeah. Was it awesome? Yeah, but i like the rarer flicks. Its like THE EVIL THAT MEN DO with Charles Bronson. You've never heard of it, but its just as good or better than some of his more known stuff. Well, I don't know if I'd go that far with this one. But it's worth a stony afternoon for sure. Cheers.

Bad/awesome flixxx review: The Amazing Spider-Man (1977)

Found a copy of this on VHS for a dollar in KCMO last weekend. I was a huge fan of this series when it ran in reruns when I was super young. I had done a little research on the show years ago, even captured some of the episodes when they ran on TNT or SCI FI or something like that back in high school over Thanksgiving when they used to show a lot of marathons. The thing was, this show didn't even have bad ratings. It only got cancelled because some dipshit at CBS didn't wanna be known as the super hero network. So they canned this and Wonder Woman, and kept The Incredible Hulk for a few more seasons. Bummer, there were only 14 episodes I believe counting this pilot/ feature length movie. Starring Nicholas Hammond (one of the kids in THE SOUND OF MUSIC) as Peter Parker, and the nosy neighbor from BEWITCHED as J. Jonah Jameson, AND Thayer David, the dude who was the Albino in THE EIGER SANCTION and the promoter in ROCKY as the bad guy, I present to you THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN!!!





We all know the story of Spider-Man by now. Even dudes and dudettes who have never even opened a comic book know the story. What's the special significance here? Why and what made this so good? Well for starters, its got a super funky 70s soundtrack that is hypnotic if not repetitive. A lot of people put this down as camp, but the 1966 BATMAN was camp, this was a full on action series. Sure its super funny in retrospect, but nothing was really being done like this at the time, and the stunts were incredible and difficult. It was definitely aimed at the same demographic as DUKES OF HAZZARD or the like, and suffered only because they either didn't get the rights to the villains or decided not to use them in favor of real life criminals a la the 50s SUPERMAN show.



This version of the story has Peter Parker as a lab assistant at college while trying to freelance as a photographer at the ol Daily Bugle. When Parker gets bitten, he automatically gets his powers super fast. The story here when it begins is that for some reason a lawyer and a doctor for no apparent reason leave work and rob a bank, then crash their car and some crooks run off with the dough. When Parker is trying to get a gig at the paper, the news comes on and says that some dude claims responsibility for the crimes by mind control, and if the mayor doesnt pay him half a mil by midweek, 10 prominent citizens will take their own lives. Up to you.



So when Peter is walking out of his lab after being bit, the 2nd robbery guy who is hypnotized almost runs him over, and he jumps like 15 feet in the air and climbs the building. When the cops come he kind of freaks and acts suspiciously. He goes home, passes out, climbs out onto his roof and climbs around the walls in the funniest way because the format that they achieved the effect with is so out of date. Peter then foils a purse snatcher and is spotted by citizens. JJJ chews him out for not getting pics of the "spiderman" and Peter, feeling confident brags that he did. So then he has to set up the whole deal and get pics for the paper. He busts out a costume like that night, no thought, no struggle to find the right design, bang he just has it. They are psyched, but as always, JJJ is skeptical and jerkish. So, Spidey foils the 3rd guys death, and then saves him from jumping out of a window. The daughter of that guy ( who I assume is supposed to be like Mary Jane Watson) wants to go to see some guru. This turns out to be the bad guy who is putting a button on everyone's jacket and brainwashing them.



So everyone knows about Spidey now and the cops and the bad guy and the paper all want to catch him. The bad guy tells them to place the money in a seaplane in the middle of New York harbor. And he stands somewhere and watches the plane with binocs. HA! Like they were ever gonna let him slide on this shit. Peter finds out that its microwaves that is mind controlling everyone but its too little too late, because he was brainwashed too when he went to confront the bad dude. Luckily for him right before he almost jumps off the Empire State Building the little hook grabs his button and he isn't under the influence anymore. Then he beats up 3 samurai dudes, blows up all the equipment and fries the brain of the bad guy who he tells to turn himself in. BANG. The day is saved thanks to everyone's favorite wall crawler. I love this old shit, and wish like hell the whole series would drop on DVD. See it if you can.

ROCKNOWLEDGY podcast is on ITunes!! Episode 5 is live!

ok, finally finally finally, with much help and advice from Qwynneth Thorr, DawnOwar, and my good buddy Justin Little, I am psyched to announce that Rocknowledgy is up and ready to download and subscribe to on ITunes! Go there and get that shit and rate it, and tell everyone who loves podcasts everywhere! Thanx so much!

Rocknowledgy Episode 5 playlist:

Valient Intro
Hard Stuff- Jay Time
Troubled Horse- Shirleen
Dust- Pull Away- So Many Times
Just We- Something Like It
The Nationale Blue- Silver Alien Pajamas in II movements (I. the sleep, II. the wakening)
The Cramps- Garbageman
The Ultimate Warriors- untitled
Ruins- Komigriss
Karen Dalton- Katie Cruel
Big Star- Don't Lie To Me
Cryptic Slaughter- Money Talks
Conway Twitty- The Flame
Glass Candy- Fairy Fellers' Master Stroke (Queen cover)
The Smiths- A Rush and A Push and the Land is Ours
Voivod- The Unknown Knows
Gentleman's Pistols- Just a Fraction
Scott Walker- Track Three (the Dealer)

ROCKNOWLEDGY podcast update!!

I finally figured this shit out! Ok, all episodes of ROCKNOWLEDGY are up now at http://www.valientthorr.com AND you can subscribe to the podcast there. PLUS you'll be able to subscribe to it starting next week at Itunes! very cool. Hope yall are digging it. More soon!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Gymkata (1985)

"There are many sounds around us, each is slightly different. So small as to go un-noticed by the person who is unaware. Do not hear the wood split. Hear the only sound of axe, cutting air. Read the air itself. It has much say to you." - trainer

"Death becomes you." - Zamir

"I know, but the games are tomorrow. Put your hardware back in your pants." - Cabot

My buddy Raf gave me a copy of this flick to review over a year ago I think. Its been sitting in my bag just waiting, patiently getting ready to BLOW MY MIND. A movie with a plot that's very close to the same idea as ENTER THE DRAGON, we have real life olympic gold medalist in gymnastics Kurt Thomas playing Jonathan Cabot- a dude who invents a "new way to fight" against some baddies after being hired by the government to hook them up. This movie is pure shit, but pure enjoyment. I laughed out loud so many times with my pop watching this. Now, I love a good ninja movie, but this really isn't good or a ninja movie, but what it is, is bad and awesome. Set in the very racist sounding made up country of Parmistan, I bring to you GYMKATA!!!





The film actually starts out with Jonathan Cabot's dad Colonel Cabot running from some men on horseback. This footage is interspersed with images of Jonathan doing his gymnastics on the bar thing. It shows his dad being run down by this mustachioed creep named Zamir. When Col Cabot tries to cross this ravine by rope, Zamir shoots him with an arrow and Cabot falls seemingly to his death. Next scene we have J Cabot winning some medal and then being whisked off by some suit. The suit is from the SIA (special intelligence agency). They want him to go in and win this "game" in this crazy country called Parmistan ran by this king with a super hot daughter. If he wins, they win a favor, and the favor they'll ask is to build a "Star Wars"/ "HAARP" type facility in there to fuck over the Russians. This was some heavy shit in the 80s. So they bring in 3 trainers, an eastern trainer, a western guy, and the princess herself. Very quickly Johnathan falls for the princess. She is a bitch to him for about 10 minutes, then they bang.



One of the funniest things in the movie is the SIA dude sees that Cabot isn't paying him any attention & is only making eyes at the princess. So the dude asks him, "Cabot, do you even know the city you're going to?", to which he replies, "yes, we're going to Carabal, on the Caspian Sea." The very next scene shows a port city from the water and a caption comes up at the bottom that reads: CARABAL, ON THE CASPIAN SEA. Hahaha! It didn't say: Carabal, Parmistan, or Turkmenistan, or wherever, it just repeated him. I absolutely CAN'T tell if this was meant to be funny or is just unintentionally hilarious. Just now, rereading what I wrote, it doesn't seem very funny, but you haven't seen it, so fuck you. Anyway, he goes to meet the contact, the princess is kidnapped, he rescues her and realizes that the contact is double-crossing him but the SIA guy jumps out and blasts the bad guys and saves the day.



So they finally make it to Parmistan & Jonathan is knocked out by some DEVO ninjas. They are ninjas with what looks like red DEVO hats (energy domes) on. He wakes up, is introduced to Zamir, has dinner, watches some inmates attempt the game only to die, has dinner with the other contestants, and then sneaks out to meet the princess after it is revealed that she is to marry Zamir at the conclusion of the game. Zamir is getting hot, he and Cabot have some very heated scenes together where the tension is thick. While out with the princess, Cabot learns that Zamir is trying to overthrow her father and if no one wins he'll sell the land or whatever to the US's enemy (Russia).



So the game starts, and Cabot's hero Thorg is playing too, but Thorg doesn't give a shit about Cabot and trips him at the start of the race. Already behind, shit gets even more dire for Cabot when Zamir defies the king and splits to give chase and kill Cabot before the king says he can leave. This finally makes the king suspicious and makes the princess plead for her father to realize that Zamir is bad and he's been duped. Cabot makes it through the cornfields, up the mountain, across the ravine and then further than anyone else. The only other contestant to not be killed is his Asian(?) buddy and Thorg. Thorg jumps out and tries to kill him, but one of the ninjas shoots an arrow through his chest. Cabot goes to the next part: a city of insane people. This scene lasts a good ten minutes of him just running from crazy people and Thorg making a return. The crazies kill Thorg, and they almost get Cabot, he starts tripping, but at the last minute a ninja helps him climb out. The ninja turns out to be ****************SPOILER ALERT************** his dad! So then 2 minutes later Zamir shoots another arrow through Col Cabot's back!!! That dude has NO LUCK! So then Jonathan takes off, ending up fighting a last battle with Zamir. He uses a special technique called GYMKATA to kick Zamir's ass. Then he rushes home to bang his princess. End of story? Not quite! In the prologue caption, we learn that in 1985 the US is the first country to install a HAARP system that probably controls most humans, the weather, satellite spying systems, probably causes cancer and basically everything that Tesla said it would do. So basically Jonathan Cabot helped screw up the world. But at least he screwed it up in the best way possible. The American way. Viva GYMKATA!!!!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Mechanical Violator Hakaider (1995)

"Do you know why the flower is beautiful? Because they do not question their masters." - Gerjev

"Justice, this is what I do with it. I burn it." - Hakaider

"IF THIS PEACE IS FICTICIOUS, I SHALL DESTROY IT!" - Hakaider

A very strange Tokyo Shock flick indeed. Based on the old 70s Japanese Kikader series which is like a precursor to Power Rangers or Voltron, Hakaider was always the bad guy. Updated to reflect the mysterious nature of Hakaider's existence, this film begs us to ask, is Hakaider the bad guy or the misunderstood seeker of true justice? Originally titled Jinzô ningen Hakaidâ, and subsequently rereleased as Roboman Hakaider, I watched the 77 minute director's cut entitled MECHANICAL VIOLATOR HAKAIDER!!!





In the beginning of the movie, we have a band of robbers breaking into some old silo in hopes of cashing in on some treasure left there by people decades ago and sealed before some big war changed the outside world. They break into some sort of cell and come upon a man in chains. They are surprised when the man awakens, busts out of his chains, and in a mad rage, beats the shit out of them, transforms into some kind of robot man and jumps on a motorcycle and splits. On his motorcycle, this android dude contemplates, "who am i, where am i, where am i going?" So he's got amnesia.



So then, we see this utopian town (CALLED JESUS TOWN!!! SERIOUSLY!) where everything looks peaceful and everything is white, but things are not what they seem. Jesus Town is run by this very emo/ metrosexual dude named Gurjev who has his own personal stormtrooper army. Plus he has his own robot leader named Michael. Michael seems tough as shit, and he has a weird wing on his back and a hand that lights up before he stabs dudes with it. There's also a band of rebels who are robbing this place for some reason. One of the rebels is this girl named Kaoru. She is narcoleptic and dreams that she is a fairy and that a black knight keeps saving her from Death or some skeleton angel when she's tied to a tree. Meanwhile the robot android guy is flying toward Jesus Town on his chopper and starts shooting things with this badass sawed-off shotgun. Gurjev sees the android and goes, "oh no Hakaider!" So he knows who he is. Gurjev sends out some stormtroopers on motorcycles to take care of Hakaider, but Hakaider blows them away and asks them why they did it. One of them says he had to. Hakaider says, "what about free will?"



So Hakaider is pissed that robot dudes don't have free will, and he drives straight into Jesus Town blowing away anything in his path. Then he encounters the rebel thieves. Kaoru sees him and believes him to be the Black Knight coming to save her. Hakaider fights tons more stormtroopers finally killing most of them, but becoming hurt in the process. The rebels take him to their hideout and he heals up. Kaoru tells him the Gurjev is transforming disobedient citizens into mindless zombie stormtroopers. Hakaider doesn't like that at all. She pretty much has him convinced even if her rebel friends are just making fun of her. Right then, a bunch of stormtroopers bust in and annihilate the rebels except for Kaoru. They also think they kill Hakaider. Michael turns out to be a sadistic sonofabitch as well, smashing one of his own men's face in upon failure. Kaoru helps Hakaider once again and he hides her out in some dream landscape with huge religious statues with chunks taken out of their faces a la PLANET OF THE APES or LOGAN'S RUN. Pretty awesome scenery. Kaoru dreams again while Hakaider goes to work killing the false prophet Gurjev.



Hakaider makes it to the inner sanctum of Gurjev and Gurjev tells him he made him long ago, but he was flawed and that Michael is the perfected robot killer. Then Michael and Hakaider fight for like 20 minutes and destroy this huge room. The really cool thing here is that the room is white, and when they bust through it, the room becomes red like it's alive or bleeding. Michael is strong as hell, but ultimately no match for Hakaider who rips his fucking head off pulling a very red spinal column along with it. In one last ditch effort to beat Hakaider, Gurjev sics some giant claymation monster with a spinning mitre saw on his neck on Hakaider who gets thrown around a lot, but still fucks this beast up as well. If you dig Japanese fantasy flicks about kung fu or robots, I think you'll dig this one. It's pure punch/kick with little build up or real storytelling, but for a background stoner pizza movie, its perfection.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Masters of the Universe (1987)

"Men who crave power look back on the mistakes of their lives, pile them all together and call it... destiny." - Sorceress

"I ache to SMASH YOU OUT OF EXISTENCE! To DRIVE your cursed face FROM MY MEMORIES FOREVER!" - Skeletor

"Good Journey. It is an old Eternian saying. Live the journey, for every destination is but a doorway to another." - Man-At-Arms

Welcome to the WORST FUCKING MOVIE THAT CAME OUT DURING MY LIFETIME. That is a bit extreme. Because, really, it CAN'T be the worst ever. And I've most definitely seen worse probably from the same year. So maybe, let me rephrase this and say THIS IS THE BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF A MOVIE THAT HAD POTENTIAL TO BE ONE OF MY FAVORITES of ALL time (so far calculated). I was THE biggest He-Man/MOTU fan growing up. I (still) have every action figure & vehicle that came out except for a few weird things that were pulled right at the end when Loreal (the makeup company that bought Filmation) canned the whole series, effectively even shutting down the Mattel toy line. This movie was built up in my mind to make a reality of a world that I had dreamed about for a few years, and played and set up over and over again in my own house, pretending to be on another planet- Eternia. But what did they do in the film? They cheaped out on special effects and brought our hero TO EARTH!!!!??!? I actually had that moment that Ralphie from A CHRISTMAS STORY had when he's in the bathroom deciphering the Lil Orphan Annie decoder pin. "please remember to drink your -ovaltine? -SONOFABITCH!" In any case, Dolph Lundgren, Meg Foster, Courtney Cox, and the bald guy from Mallrats ruin MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!






Let me start off by pointing out why an 8 year old dude would have problems with his cartoon heroes come to life. First of all, let me begin with the women. Yes, even as an 8 year old, the women of cartoons have been an influence on young men's lives for years. Jane or Judy Jetson, Betty Rubble, Daphne from Scooby-Doo. Then we come to Teela and the Sorceress. In the cartoon, the Sorceress was a super hot young Wiccan chick who wore like a white eagle's pelt on her head and down her back. She basically had a low cut bathing suit on for an outfit. In the movie, she was an old crone, made even uglier when Skeletor started draining her power, but she should have been hot in the first place. She was basically powerless to do anything from keeping Skeletor at bay. He was more ruthless, self-centered & cunning and less bumbling in this flick. She instead had a weird ice capades crown on her old head that looked stupid. By the way, no mention of King Randor or Queen Marlena. Back to Teela. In the cartoon, Teela was a proud, headstrong redhead who wore a golden warrior bathing suit trimmed in white and showed a lot of leg. In the movie, she was a messy haired brunette who wore a grey body suit, that was, well, i guess it was okay. Man-At-Arms (Duncan) looked ok actually. He may have been one of the only ones. He-Man NEVER wore a cape in the cartoon, yet he wore one through most of the flick. I feel like this was super early in Dolph's career, as he could barely deliver these lines. He said, "I have the power", twice in the flick and the first time when he was fighting Skeletor, I swear I even thought as a little kid, "are you serious? Did they just go with the first take of that?" It sounded like some drunk uncle said it, or even better, Stallone as Rocky. "Adrian, Adrian- I have the power!"



Over on the other side, Skeletor looked pretty good. He could have laughed a more sinister laugh, but let's not split hairs. There were plenty worse things to point out. Beast-man didn't speak, Evil Lyn looked ok, and they invented the rest of the characters for the movie instead of using his usual henchmen. Blade, Saurod, and Karg?? Where was Trap-jaw, Cyclops, or Mer-man?? Must have been some copyright issues which is FUCKING BOGUS!!! If you couldn't get the goddamned rights to the characters, why make the fucking movie??? Then the biggest weird thing of all. Instead of Orko the space magician, we get Gwildor the orange haired midget. This guy is some kind of keymaster that brings everyone to Earth. And there you have the lame ass story. Which, being a bit forgiving could have ended up being ok, if all those other things hadn't been so blatantly wrong wrong wrong.



A quick plot summary: Skeletor steals a magic key from Gwildor giving him access to Castle Greyskull. He-Man goes to fight and win Eternia back before Skeletor is there when the moon rises and lines up with an eye in the throne room, bathing him in magic powers. They run into Gwildor who has a 2nd key, go into the Castle and try to fight, but they end up having to bail, and Gwildor's key takes them to guess where? Earth. On Earth we meet young Courtney Cox who's parents have been killed in a plane crash. She is saying goodbye to her musician boyfriend and moving cross country. They find the key that is separated from our heroes in the time portal. The dude turns it on, allowing Skeletor and his minions to track He-Man to Earth. There are so many subplots with a dumb cop named Lubick, a big concert the boyfriend is supposed to play, her parents coming back to life. Its ridiculous.



Finally Gwildor builds a new key after Skeletor comes and snatches the first one from Earth stranding them there and kidnapping He-Man. Skeletor becomes a golden god, and beckons He-Man to kneel. He-Man gets rescued. He-Man fights Skeletor, Skeletor falls into a pit. All is saved, the girl is healed, Lubick decides to stay in Eternia because he's such a dick, no one likes him on Earth. They send the couple back to Earth. Her parents are ok. None of this has anything to do with He-Man. Basically this movie ruined a lot of dude's childhoods. Its the perfect bad/awesome movie because it is for sure bad bad bad. But it IS about He-Man, and I guess even if it sucks, that's still pretty awesome.

**********UPDATE************** Also- Stormtroopers? This was a late thought here, but seriously? Skeletor never had Stormtroopers! What a lame way to fill out the cast man. BOGUS!

Valient Himself guests on Doug Benson's DLM podcast

At Bumbershoot this weekend, I was a guest on Doug Benson's "DOUG LOVES MOVIES" podcast along with Scott Aukerman, Amy Schumer, Rory Scovel, Andy Daly, and Wayne Federman. You can download it for free on Itunes.....

OR.... go to this link and listen to it on your computer or whatever: http://twitthis.com/93jleg

I had a blast doing this. Thanx to Doug and everyone involved.

Valient Himself's ROCKNOWLEDGY Podcast Episode: 4

Yo. It's Monday. Time for another episode of Rocknowledgy. I puked in front of the M&F bank the next morning halfway through this recording. Then we played in Portland and Seattle. Then i finished this in KCMO. I collected a LOT of air miles making this podcast. I hope you enjoy it. Here's the link:

http://bit.ly/qEbdrl

download link is on the left, streaming link is on the bottom right!!! Enjoy!!

And just in case you missed them:

Rocknowledgy Episode: 1 http://bit.ly/r5fbMD
Rocknowledgy Episode: 2 http://bit.ly/paADQ7
Rocknowledgy Episode: 3 http://bit.ly/pcK7GG


****************UPDATE*****************

Episode: 4- Playlist

Master's Apprentices- Catty
Liliput- Ain't You
Mikey Heppner- City of Tiny Lights (Frank Zappa cover)
Red Cross- Annette's Got the Hits
Greg Sage- Straight Ahead
Althea & Donna- Uptown Top Ranking
Captain Beefheart- White Jam
The Hellacopters- Throw Away Heroes
German Shepard- Arena Rock
Hasil Adkins- No More Hot Dogs
Love- A House is Not a Motel
Josef K- Sorry For Laughing
Humble Pie- the Sad Bag of Shakey Jake
Immortal Lee County Killers II- Nothing Hurts like My Back and Side
Flipper- Ever
Lou Reed- The Power of Positive Drinking
Alice Cooper- Beautiful Flyaway

bad/awesome flixxx review: Danger: Diabolik (1968)

"I was expecting you, Inspector"- Eva

"Sure I do, who could forget what she looked like? The way she was decked out in red she looked like a mini cardinal. She had good legs."- whore

"Valmont, no this is just bad manners." - Diabolik

Another fucking epic film attached to Dino De Laurentiis. It seems like I've reviewed more films that he's produced than any other producer. Starring John Phillip Law, the angel dude from BARBARELLA, here we have the European comic book anti-hero/thief/killer in a swinging 60s romp that is part Bond part Austin Powers part Batman. Austin Powers was obviously influenced by this movie, as well as little known indie flick CQ. An Italian badguy wins tour de force, I highly recommend DANGER: DIABOLIK!!! (Check out both those awesome posters!)





One of my only beefs with this flick is half the soundtrack. If there is action going on, or like a car chase, we have this manic spy type music that fits perfectly. BUT if we have scenes of Diabolik with his beloved Eva, you have this very lame french pop song with this chick singing, "la, la, la" over and over and over again throughout the movie. That's about it, and its not that bad, just a little repetitive and grinding on the mental. Beyond that, this fancy gem of a flick starts out with Diabolik stealing 10 MILLION bucks from this dude Inspector Jeanco. Obviously Diabolik does this shit all the time, because Jeanco was stressing hard and had a full on escort trying to get the bread out of whatever country they were supposed to be in. I thought England, because they mention Parliament but it doesn't really matter. They sent out fake rigs with fake bread, and STILL Diabolik sniffed em out by the docks. He smokescreened them and split out in his sleek black Jaguar.



The cops give chase in water-style helichopters and Diabolik heads into a tunnel where he has his supermodel girlfriend Eva waiting in her WHITE Jaguar. They put a brick on the gas pedal or something and run the black one into the ocean, and double back heading down into a (very complex) secret underground HQ where instead of putting his loot into his safe, Diabolik spreads the 10 SUPERLARGE onto his revolving couch and fucks Eva all night. His underground lair is like something that Batman only wishes he had. I like the fact that Diabolik is basically a badguy that we are all pulling for to win and fuck the cops over. The next day, the Minister of the Interior is fired after holding a press conference that Diabolik disrupts by taking pics with laughing gas coming out of the camera and the whole thing is televised making the Minister look like a fool.



Jeanco knows he can never catch Diabolik so he blackmails known overlord Valmont into helping him catch Diabolik. Its Eva's bday, and Diabolik decides to rob this old lady of this famous Emerald necklace. He dons a white suit, scales a tower, steals the necklace and eludes the pigs by using an old catapult up on top of the tower. Later, a hooker spots Eva and she is kidnapped. They tell Diabolik to bring the bread and necklace to a spot and then take him up in a plane. They are about to make him jump out of the plane and be delivered to the cops, but he grabs Valmont at the last minute and throws out a capsule that makes the plane explode. Cornered with no means of escape, Diabolik uses the 11 emeralds as bullets and shoots them out of the shotgun into Valmont killing him, and then seemingly kills himself. Jeanco is pissed that Diabolik is dead, he can't believe it. Then when they are about to do the autopsy, BANG, he comes back alive. He had taken a pill that slows your heart and makes it look like you're dead. Escaping once again with Eva, Diabolik dresses like an old man and recovers the emeralds from the creamatorium where Valmont has been burned up. He thens dashes out to escape right before the pigs catch him again! Then he goes swimming with his babe!



Ok, finally, they offer up a million bucks to anyone bringing Diabolik in. He says fuck you and blows up all the government tax buildings. That's why I think I like him the best. A big FUCK YOU to the IRS for sending me ANOTHER bill for $8.03. STICK THAT 3 CENT UP YOUR ASS!!! He really stuck it to them. The the country is bad off, and they decide to sell off gold to buy some cold hard cash. They melt it into this huge ingot and try to transport it by train. Diabolik blocks the road and they have to back up and go across a bridge. HE BLOWS UP THE FUCKING BRIDGE!! HA! Then they have this rad yellow sub-boat thing and they use balloon ballast things to float the train car. They take it back to his hideout and he dons a fireproof suit to melt the shit down. Only here's where he fucked up: Jeanco used some radioactive stuff in case it got stolen, it would leave a trail back to his hideout so they'd be able to get all the goods back. It worked and they catch Diabolik with his pants down. There's a shootout, and the train car explodes showering Diabolik with hot molten gold. In the end, the suit saved his life, and he has this sinister ass laugh as the movie ends, with us wondering how the hell he's going to get out of this one. Very nice. From what I've heard, a great adaptation. But I can't tell, because I can't read German or Italian, and that's the only way I've ever seen the comics. I recommend. Dig it.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Knightriders (1981)

"If I didn't believe in magic, I'd still be treating gall bladders, prostates and stuff like that. See, magic ain't got nothing to do with organs and glands and busted necks. Magic got to do with the soul, man. Only the soul's got destiny. It got wings. It's can fly. That's magic. The body? The body's just got a few minutes down here in the dirt with the rest of us." - Merlin

"Dammit, Billy, you're all stone-broke most of the time. And you take in every damn longhair that knows how to make a pair of sandals, and you wanna pick up the Blue Cross tab? Do you have the slightest idea what gas is selling for, or two-by-fours, or hamburger or anything else?" - Steve

"I'm not trying to be a hero! I'm fighting the dragon!" - King Billy

George Romero's next movie after he did Dawn of the Dead and right before he did Creepshow. A very different movie than what he is usually known for. Here we have a very strange tale of a group of Renaissance faire longhairs who take the whole deal very seriously at the beginning of the 80s. I don't know what to say about this one. It was just not what I expected I guess. Hard to say what Romero was trying to convey, but let's think about it and maybe we'll find out. Cameo by Stephen King, and starring Ed Harris and zombie B movie kind Tom Savini star in George Romero's KNIGHTRIDERS!!!





So, I guess the whole thing here is this dude, King William Billy is a motorcycle riding dude who somehow convinced a bunch of other motorcycle dudes and ladies into following him around Pennsylvania, and performing in a traveling Ren Faire troupe. The thing is though, throughout the movie, Billy is unconcerned with bread, and doesn't seem to want to really perform for anyone at all. He seems to just want his life to be lived like he was a king in charge of all his subjects, but doesn't really want to deal with hick cops or bigtime promoters or any of the like. The flick begins with him waking up beside his queen in the woods and then standing in the river whipping himself. Everyone else in the troupe is setting up for the day's performance when a couple of hick cops come by to try and squeeze them for bread.



They don't make much anyway, so one dude and Tom Savini (Morgan) are at odds on what to do. The one good guy dude rides out to get Billy while Morgan would just as soon payoff the cops who are shaking them down. Morgan stands to be the next king because he is the best jouster. Billy arrives, and tells the cops to fuck off. The day goes on. Some chick falls for the good guy bike leader. At the end of the joust, Billy decides to fight Morgan because Billy obviously has some kind of deathwish. Billy hurts his neck bad. That night the pigs come back and try to shake down the troupe by planting dope on a guy called BagMan. Billy says if Bagman is going to jail, so is he. The queen tells everyone what to do to get ready for the show in 2 days. Some leave, and some stay behind. They are to look for Steve their lawyer/ small time promoter dude. Bagman gets the hell beat out of him by the cops while Billy watches. When the head cop lets them out, Billy swears that he's gonna get the pig. All this whole while Billy keeps dreaming some blackbird is gonna get him in the end. Steve catches up with Merlin, Billy and Bagman, they camp out. Steve tells them that a bigshot promoter wants to throw some loot at them to perform all around the country. Billy freaks out because he says they aren't a sideshow. They are a lifestyle, a vision. He doesn't want to compromise his ideals. Everyone else thinks he's crazy. He splits in the middle of the night on Steve's bike to go confront the troupe b/c he knows some want to split.



Morgan is trying to convince some of the troupe to go with the new promoter. His girlfriend the mechanic gets pissed at him. Her friend the gay announcer finds himself a lover. He tells her to forget Morgan. She says he'll be back. Friar Tuck gets caught in Satan horns fucking this fat photographer chick. Morgan goes to screw the DC reporter chick. Billy shows up and chews everyone out. Morgan wins that day, and then a fight with the locals breaks out. Everyone thinks this is the end. A native american boy with blackbird armor shows up to fight. Billy fights and wins, but almost dies. Half the troupe splits. The good guy and his girl and best bud split to the mountains to chill and think for a minute. Morgan and Tuck are partyin in DC. The reporter tells Morgan she's married after they bang. The rogue faction get pics taken, then Morgan witnesses the husband. Then the good guy dude comes back and tells him he can't be king and bust everything up. Meanwhile the remaining troupe is hunkered down at the fairgrounds hopefully awaiting the others return.



Good guy convinced Morgan to come back with the other. They all ride back all styled out in their new ren fair duds. Everyone is super happy they came back. The promoter is like," you can't steal my clothes and then leave!" So they have a final battle royale. The dudes who didn't leave vs. the dudes in the new suits. good guy and Morgan battle side-hacker style. In the end Morgan wins. He tells the promoter to stuff it. Billy gives him the crown, says goodbye to everyone, hops on his bike and rides out. Blackbird guy follows him. He stops at McDonalds and beats the shit out of that cop. Then he rides to this school and gives a 7 year old boy that he told he wouldn't sign a poster for him a FUCKING LONGSWORD. AT SCHOOL. I MEAN ON SCHOOL GROUNDS. And the teacher just looks at him. So strange. Ok, so then he takes off again, with Blackbird still behind him, and he goes and goes and goes and goes and goes. Finally, he's looking so tired, and then he smiles, imagines himself on a horse galloping into the sun, and then BANG!!!! a fucking 18 wheeler SLAMS into him, scattering him and his armor all across the highway. FUCKING HEAVY. Then they have a funeral and then it shows Morgan heading the troupe to another town. The vision lives on. I guess this is about never compromising, and then if you have to , just killing yourself. HAHA. I don't know. This one was pretty good. pretty weird, but pretty good. See it if you can find it.

Valient Himself's ROCKNOWLEDGY Podcast Episode: 3

alahoyus everyone, here is the 3rd episode of Rocknowledgy.
On this episode, I have a 15 minute interview with Bobby Liebling, lengendary frontman of Pentagram. We opened for them on this last tour, and they were celebrating their 40th anniversary. I thought it would be neat to ask him about his influences and favorite bands, and then cater the show to what we talked about.
hope you dig it! Here's the link!

Rocknowledgy Episode: 3 http://bit.ly/pcK7GG

download link is on the left, streaming link is on the bottom right!!! Enjoy!!

And just in case you missed them:

Rocknowledgy Episode: 1 http://bit.ly/r5fbMD
Rocknowledgy Episode: 2 http://bit.ly/paADQ7

*******Update*******

Playlist for Episode 3:
Pentagram- Be Forewarned
Interview w/ Bobby Liebling of Pentagram
Groundhogs- Black Diamond
Stray- Do You Miss Me?
The Stooges- Gimmie Danger
Wishbone Ash- Blind Eye
Pink Fairies- City Kids
Mountain- Don't Look Around
Blue Cheer- Doctor Please
Wayne Kramer & the Pink Fairies- The Harder They Come (Jimmy Cliff cover)
Pentagram- Treat Me Right
Krisiun- Diableros

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Fly (1986)

"You're afraid to dive into the plasma pool, aren't you? You're afraid to be destroyed and recreated, aren't you? I'll bet you think that you woke me up about the flesh, don't you? But you only know society's straight line about the flesh. You can't penetrate beyond society's sick, gray, fear of the flesh. Drink deep, or taste not, the plasma spring! Y'see what I'm saying? And I'm not just talking about sex and penetration. I'm talking about penetration beyond the veil of the flesh! A deep penetrating dive into the plasma pool! "- Seth Brundle

"No, no I'm always like this it's um... motion sickness. When I was a kid, I uh... puked on my tricycle."- Seth

"ou have to leave now, and never come back here. Have you ever heard of insect politics? Neither have I. Insects... don't have politics. They're very... brutal. No compassion, no compromise. We can't trust the insect. I'd like to become the first... insect politician. Y'see, I'd like to, but... I'm afraid, uh...I'm saying... I'm saying I - I'm an insect who dreamt he was a man and loved it. But now the dream is over... and the insect is awake. I'm saying... I'll hurt you if you stay."- Seth

Still one of the scariest, most disturbing movies I've ever seen. I rewatched this over the weekend and was blown away at how unbelievably gross this flick still is. Or how bad it still makes my skin crawl. A remake from the 1958 Vincent Price movie of the same name, Jeff Goldblum gives the performance of his career. Even Geena Davis looks cute as hell in this one, which is something that caught me off guard, because I don't really find her attractive usually. David Cronenberg pretty much had a masterpiece on his hands when he finished this piece of work. Come along and relive one of the greatest horror movies of all time, THE FLY!!!





So, Jeff Goldblum is a super intelligent creepy recluse scientist dude who is flirting with a magazine reporter Geena Davis. He charms her into coming back to his place even though she is reluctant. He starts playing the piano and she's like, I'm gonna split, and then he's like, no wait, check it out, my invention is going to change the world. He's super confident about this project even if he hasn't been about himself. He tells her to give him something personal, and she goes and pulls off one of her stockings... Kinky shit. I've never thought of Geena Davis as a dirty lady, you know because "there's no crying in baseball", but she had "the look" in her eye in this scene. Anyway, he throws it in one of his "telepods" and tinkles some keys on a computer and bang- out comes the stocking in the other telepod. When she figures out what happened she tells him she's going to make an article out of it, and he's like, no way jose. But she basically says, bullshit, and splits.



The next day she tries to convince her boss/ex boyfriend of what happened, but he thinks she got conned by Goldblum. Then 5 minutes later, Goldblum busts in, and convinces her to go hang with him with one magic word: cheeseburger. Then he tells her that she should not do the article, she should document his experiments because there was one big problem with the project still lingering. He hadn't actually teleported anything living yet, only inanimate objects. She agrees, and then they try to teleport a baboon. The baboon comes out the other side TOTALLY INSIDE OUT. Its one of the sickest fucking scenes ever. I squealed out loud when I saw it the other day. I can only imagine the screams when it came out in the theater. I mean THIS is horror, this is heavy heavy shit. Why they don't make flicks like that anymore is beyond me. Ok, so then Geena Davis decides to bang Goldblum. And then they are about to eat, and she makes a suggestion that helps him figure out that the flesh of living objects is the problem and he sets out to solve that. Then he does, and soon after successfully teleports the other baboon that he got from wherever test baboons come from.



Ok, so then they are about to celebrate but Geena finds an envelope with a magazine with Jeff's face on it. She realizes her scum ex boyfriend is trying to steal her story and leave to confront him. Goldblum is pissed cause he puts two and two together and thinks she must be banging her old flame. So he says fuck it, "sorry I killed your brother" to the baboon, gets naked, and jumps in the pod. Unbeknownst to him, a little fly is in there with him, and when he comes out the other side, everything seems cool. Unfortunately everything isn't cool. He passes out, Geena comes back, he catches a fly in mid air while he was asleep, then gets up and does an uncanny gymnastics routine. They go out the next day and he's acting more and more jacked as the hours go by, I'm talking young Robin Williams jacked. He also starts sucking down sugar by the spoonful. She then begins to notice something isn't right. Then he bangs her for like half a day. After they finish he tells her she needs to teleport so she can feel like him. When she declines, he FREAKS out, rambles incoherently, dons some pants and goes out on the town to find some chick who will go through the pods. He goes in a bar, and now is visibly beginning to look haggard, as bumps are forming on his face. Two dudes are arm wrestling and he starts flirting with one of the dudes chick. They are like, hey man fuck off, and Goldblum still munching on a Zagnut is like, I got $100 bucks says I could beat either one of ya. They are like, alright- easy money. Goldblum breaks the dudes wrist leaving him with the bone sticking out of his arm screaming, grabs the girl and takes off. They go out to the bars, and he takes her home and bangs her, then when he tries to get her to teleport, Geena jump out is like, "Be afraid, be very afraid."



The girl splits, Jeff is pissed, and he figures out that something MUST be wrong when his fingernails start falling off. He thinks he has cancer and then he starts dabbling with the computer results and realizes a fly was in the machine. Weeks pass, and Jeff Goldblum turns into a fucking monster. He is becoming less human all the time. His hair recedes, his skin is all putrid, and he has to vomit up this liquid to break down his food. Then he starts to walk on walls. His mental state goes from desperate, to hopeful, to excited, to disturbed. He realizes there isn't much time to save himself. Meanwhile Geena Davis is pregnant with his child. She gets her ex to take her to get an abortion, and Goldblum busts through goddamn window like a maniac, grabs her and splits. Her ex tracks them back to Jeff's lab, and busts in with a shotgun. Goldblum jumps outta the rafters and pukes on his hand melting it off, and THEN pukes on his ankle separating him from his foot so he can't walk anymore. He then tells Geena he's gonna fuse him and her and their baby into one mega-creature so at least he'll be a little bit more human. She is freaking out, and tries to get away as he tries to lock her in the pod and she accidentally rips his fucking jaw off!!! YES!!! That triggers his full on transformation into the final stage of the Fly, his face falls off revealing this hideous creature, his skin all falls off, and its just the best gross special effects ever. He slings her in one pod, gets in the other one, the ex comes to, shoots the cable so her pod isn't connected but the thing goes off, transporting him and half the pod door into the third pod. Then the fused Fly and pod door abomination come crawling out of the pod, grabs the shotgun and points its barrell at its own head as if it wants Geena Davis to blow its head off. She says no, no, no, but eventually pulls the trigger and his fucking head is just decimated spreading guts all over the room. She falls to her knees crying. THE FUCKING END. FIVE FUCKING STARS. They don't make em like that anymore folks. Get you some of that. Seriously there are some INTENSE goose bump, I think I'm gonna puke moments in this one. Chock full of it. LOVED IT.