bad/awesome flixxx review: Puppet Master (1989)

Ok. Let's begin. I wanted to reiterate to the people that I've been bagging on some movies lately, like House, and Darkman. Usually I don't get so rough on them. But, that's the whole point. I just wanted to make sure everyone knows that I love shitty movies, that's the whole deal here. Some are just so excruciatingly painful to get through. But after they are over, I feel a sense of accomplishment... like I've actually done some kind of work to get through them. Believe me though, I can tell the difference in a bad-good movie, and a good-bad movie. A lot of the time, Ill stray down the path of more good than bad. Lately I've been watching a lot of more bad than good. As with our feature today. One of the most popular series that Full Moon Entertainment has, adding their 9th sequel in the series (bringing the grand total to 10 movies about these guys) this year, last week I revisited the very first PUPPET MASTER.




ok, set the scene, it's like the late 30's, and we're in a creepy old hotel on the Cali coast. You may remember William Hickey as the crochety uncle from Christmas Vacation that smokes the cigar and sets the Griswold's tree on fire. "Je-sus Christ Grace, did the room clear out? Hell no! Tha BLE-SSING!!" He "stars" for a brief moment in the beginning of the flick as Andrew Toulon, a man who has somehow figured out some Egyptian secret, (that they never explain) that brings life to inanimate objects. In this case, Toulon was a Puppeteer in the late 30's. Or a PUPPET MASTER! Get it??!? But obviously he's done something bad, and so in the beginning he's got like a Chinese puppet watching out the window as two Nazi spies come to kill him. Also, this puppet named Blade is running around in a funny POV camera angle trying to get back to Toulon, before the Nazis show up. So he makes it back, and Toulon stuffs all the puppets into a case and shuts them up in the paneling of the hotel, and then just before the Nazi's break down the door, he blows his own fucking head off. BOOM!!! Blood all over what looked as briefly as i saw it like a abstract expressionist print. I was thinking Barnett Newman, but really instead of a block color shape, I'm thinking more of a jazz squiggly kind of deal.... But i digress.



Fast forward to the future (1989) and a bunch of psychics are called together by their friend Neil Gallagher to the hotel through dreams and however else all those powers worked. Two are married and they're like sex weirdos (translated as "really cool") and then theres a southern woman they call the white witch, and some random tool. Okay, so they get there, and it turns out none of them like him, but whatever, he's dead anyway, and then the puppets show up and start killing everybody. I don't wanna ruin everything... I kind of like how Joe Bob Briggs used to do this, "a couple nice sets of boobs, a domination scene where the lady gets drilled in the face (with a drill you perverts), dude has a chick puppet bite his nips, then puke up leeches on his chest, um, what else, resurrection by black magic, and all kinds of shit. check it out, and come on back here when yer done." That's my Joe Bob Briggs impression. Anyway, in the end...

****Semi Spoiler Alert****

i have a question, when Gallagher's wife grabs the white witch's dead stuffed dog, and then it comes to life, are we to gather that she now delves into the black magic? Does she want to be the puppet master??? Who knows... I guess I'll have to watch some of the sequels. more bad than awesome... but watch it anyway. word.

bad/awesome flixxx review: House (1986)

Alahoyus everyone. Here's another childhood flick that just falls to pieces when watched years later. I remember thinking this was great when I was young, but its just fucking godawful. Directed by Steve Miner, the man who brought you FRIDAY THE 13TH parts 2 & 3, WARLOCK, and SOUL MAN, you have 3 dudes from 80s television trying to pull off this horror flick. William Katt from GREAT AMERICAN HERO, Bull from NIGHT COURT, and Norm from CHEERS star in HOUSE (1986)!!!



So, it starts off awesome enough... A grocery boy delivers a bag of stuff to some old lady. She doesn't seem to be home, and the boy calls for her, over and over again. He hears something when he's at the door up the steps, so being the curious delivery boy he is, he creeps up the steps trying to see what's become of old mrs. Hooper. What to his surprise does he find but old Mrs Hooper swinging from a rope in her bedroom. He fucking splits on his little scooter accordingly.

Cut to a scene where you have the dude from GREAT AMERICAN HERO. He plays a horror writer. You find out Mrs Hooper was his aunt. She raised him, and last time he was there, something happened where his son disappeared and his fucking wife left him, and he sort of got writer's block from all that. So he's telling everyone he's gonna write this story about being in Vietnam. Everyone is like, "boring!", and he's like, well, I have to do it. It's been bugging him, see. So he goes to the old house for some solitude, but finds out he has a super nosy neighbor in Norm from CHEERS.

All of a sudden shit starts getting weird. He hears noises. Then he sees his dead aunt RE-hang herself in her bedroom... You'd think this would be enough for him to be like, FUCK THIS... IM OUT. but he sticks around. His dead uncle's fish comes alive on the wall, tools start flying around, he accidentally shoots his wife in the chest with a shotgun. Cops come in to check him out. This fucking weird thing comes outta his aunts closet and tries to get him...



He's having all these flashbacks from Nam, and he can't tell whether they're dreams or what. Apparently he left his buddy Bull from NIGHT COURT behind in Nam, and the Vietnamese took him and tortured the shit out of him. So Bull is pissed. Then he kills this fucking gross chick & tries to bury her in the backyard, and this hot ass (literally) neighbor lady seems like she wants to party with him, but she just wants him to babysit (BOGUS)... and then while he's doing that these 2 weird ugly monsters try to drag the baby up the chimney. GAH is still looking for his kid Jimmy too by the way. Anyway, he gets Norm in on the action, and harpoons the closet monster one night at like midnight. But the Great American Hero gets sucked into the closet anyway, which is NAM, for him. I guess. I think you're supposed to get that the House wants you to fight your inner demons or some shit. He escapes after he figures out that its Bull Shannon that he has to fight. Norm is drunk on 3/4ths a handle of Jack, and passed out. GAH goes to the garage and sees his aunts painting and uncovers a pic of his son screaming in the bathroom mirror. So he goes to the bathroom, busts the mirror out and a bunch of monsters try to get him. He whacks them with a razor. Then he somehow ties off, and belays himself down into the blackness inside the mirror.



Then he runs into the flying skull with wings thing that "Revenge Sevendust" use for their symbol, and it steals his shotgun and shoots his rope causing him to fall in the water back in Nam. He quickly finds his son locked up, and Bull is like firing on him. BAPBAPBAPBAP BAPBAPBAPBAP. He escapes thru the swamp back to into his aunties swimming pool, but Bull Shannon escapes NAM-hell or whatever too, and he's coming for him. Then there's like a 20 minute chase, but ultimately GAH is like, "im not scared of you anymore"... like a fucking 10 year old wrote this. And he takes his son, and then sticks a grenade in Bull's chest. BOOOOOOM!!! And then the house is on fire, and then his ex wife drives up in a taxi???? I thought he blew her away an hour ago! And how the hell did she know to get there right on time? and then the stinger: William Katt standing there on his steps, smirking at the camera- freeze frame. FUCKING GARBAGE. but hey, don't get me wrong. I loved it.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Django (1966)

'You can clean up the mess, but don't touch my coffin."- Django

ok, this is totally weird, but this is the 2nd flick I've reviewed by Sergio Corbucci this month. Superfuzz was also directed by him years later. and now that I look at it, Terence Hill looks uncannily like Franco Nero from his role here in Django...
check it:




Wow, I just looked it up, and Terence Hill is 2 years older than Franco Nero. Strange. I would've thought Franco was his dad. Anyway, this also marks my second review of a Franco Nero film after reviewing KEOMA earlier in the year.
One of the earliest, most violent (up until then) spaghetti westerns, Corbucci really had it down when he made DJANGO!!!



Django is the story of a lone gunman who fought for the north during the civil war, walking the western deserts in search of revenge dragging along behind him a coffin. He comes upon some Mexican dudes basically stringing up this chick named Maria, and then these white dudes with red masks kill the mexicans, and start to kill the woman themselves. Django isn't gonna have that, so he kills those dudes and tells the girl he has to go to town.
When he gets there, he goes to the whore saloon that serves both the mexicans and the remnants of the southern army, still operating under some dude named Major Jackson. The story really reminds me of this book I read by Cormac McCarthy called BLOOD MERIDIAN. In that book, even after the war is over, jerks like Major Jackson kept scalping the Native Americans, and when they couldn't get them, they'd go kill some Mexicans. Its a terrible thought, and something they don't speak much about in history books, but it happened.

So basically this Jackson is just killing for fun, and taxing the citizens and being a really bad man. I don't wanna give away the best part, but Django has it out for his ass. He spits this wine cork in this smug preacher's face in one scene. Its so badass. Then that guy gets his ear cut off later. Anyway, Django takes care of them, then the story takes a turn, and you find out he has a plan to rob a shitload of gold from the Mexican border with the help of some Mexican friends of his own. He does this, and then, well, like I said, why ruin it? This bad motherfucker is streaming right now on Netflix instant, so make it happen, yall. thumbs up.

fall tshirt designs

new tshirt designs

Rocknowledgy flyers

getting to jam some tunes lately. wanted to add the flyers up

bad/awesome flixxx review: Shogun Assassin (1980)

"When I was little, my father was famous. He was the greatest Samurai in the empire, and he was the Shogun's decapitator. He cut off the heads of 131 lords for the Shogun. It was a bad time for the empire."- Daigoro (Cub)

"They will pay... In rivers of blood!"- Ogami Itto (Lone Wolf)

"Your technique is magnificent. When cut across the neck, a sound like wailing winter winds is heard they say. I've always hoped to cut someone like that someday to hear that sound, but to have it happen to my own neck ---is ridiculous."- Claw (Master of Death)

Rounding out the "Big 3 Cult Ninja/Samurai/Black Belt movies" (the others being Riki-Oh, and The Crippled Masters) we have arguably the greatest samurai movie of all time. This flick is simultaneously as beautiful and as bloody as they come. Originally released in Japan as a six film series beginning in 1972 based on the long running manga comic series LONE WOLF AND CUB, the first 2 films were recut, and released in the US and Britain in 1980 as SHOGUN ASSASSIN!!



Most people who first watch the film recognize the voice of the dubbed voice of Daigoro in the first few moments as the sample in the beginning of the GZA's debut solo record "LIQUID SWORDS". Daigoro comes on to explain that his father (Ogami Itto) was a "famous" man. He was the "Shogun's" killer for years, until the Shogun's mind became infected with "devils". The Shogun became untrusting and sent his guards to kill Ogami Itto. In the original films, there was a war between the different clans, and the Shogun was like one of the head Emperors or some shit. Anyway, he sends his goons to off Ogami Itto, but Ogami was out doing some samurai shit. The goons killed his wife, and shamed his honor. So Ogami freaked out, swore vengeance and became the mad one, the mad wolf, or the Lone Wolf. He quit his job with the empire, and was gonna split, but the Shogun had other ideas.



The Shogun made Lone Wolf win his freedom by fighting the Shogun's son. Wolf did it with ease. Then he comes and says, ok you won your freedom, but you didn't win the freedom for your son, so hand him over, we're gonna sacrifice him since you killed my son. Wolf is like, "Bull-shit!", and he starts hackin dudes up. He even kills the Shogun's other son. Shogun's like, I'll send every son I have up against you. Wolf is like, I'll kill every ninja in this world you motherfucker.

So then, the Wolf asks his son to make a choice, choose a ball or choose the sword. If he chose the ball, Wolf would kill him and he would rest in peace with his mother, if he chose the sword, he would walk along the path to hell with his father. Needless to say, he chooses the sword. Then they set out, always wary of what lay on the road ahead. Lone Wolf slices and dices his way throughout their journey easily defeating every enemy with a giant spray of blood across the screen. Its beautiful. The end of the story shows how they make money on their journey. Selling his services as a secret assassin to those who can't protect themselves from the empire's taxing lords, he is set on a journey to find and kill the Shogun's brother. The journey takes them on a ship, through the desert, and against 3 men known as the Masters of Death. The Masters of Death look as though they were the inspiration for the "Three Storms" in my favorite movie of all time BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA.

So... I would go ahead and give this movie the highest rating that I can give a flick. Find yourself a copy and buy it, and watch it at least once a year with a giant pizza and a couple buddies. word up. PS, the goddamned soundtrack sounds like it was written by John Carpenter. Its amazing. Turns out it was the singer from Paul Revere and the Raiders, Mark Lindsay. Ba-zong!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Demolition Man (1993)

"Mellow greetings. What seems to be your boggle?"- Guard

"Rat? This is a rat burger? ...Not bad."- John Spartan

"But there's just one thing I wanna know... How's that damn three seashell thing work?"- John Spartan

A truely bad/awesome flick, 1993 brought us a summer blockbuster loosely based on ideas from Aldous Huxley's novel, BRAVE NEW WORLD. Yet another future cop flick, this was the first flick that popped up yesterday when I loaded Netflix onto my IPhone. What a killer choice! Starring Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, & Sandra Bullock w/ Denis Leary, Rob Schneider, and cameos by Jack Black, and Jesse "the Body" Ventura, I'm proud today to review DEMOLITION MAN!



Wow! I'm surprised how this holds up. The basic story is that in 1996, shit is hitting the fan. Drug gangs run the city of Los Angeles, and they have the whole city sectioned off. One of the toughest and meanest is Simon Phoenix (Snipes). He's been pursued for over 2 years by John Spartan (Stallone) a cop who has the nickname "the Demolition Man" because the blows shit up from time to time when catching bad dudes. He finally catches Phoenix, but is framed for involuntarily murdering 20 or so kids on a bus. They both get thrown into this new cryogenic jail facility, Phoenix forever, and Spartan for 70 years. Fast forward to 2032... Phoenix is up for parole, and somehow he has the knowledge to escape. He is awakened into a society that is unfamiliar to violence because after "the big one" (an earthquake that destroyed most of old LA and killed millions in 2010) the cities Santa Barbara, LA, and San Diego were combined into a giant utopian city built on peace. No "murder death kills" (no one has died besides anything but natural causes) have happened since the earthquake. So when Phoenix comes out and starts murdering everyone, the cops have no idea what to do. Lenina Huxley (Bullock) and an old cop named Zach Lamb suggest bringing the only man to ever bring Phoenix to justice back outta his icy snooze. Blah, Blah, Blah... they do it, and immediately Spartan is disgusted by what he sees. He calls the way they live their lives "fascist" and says it makes him wanna puke.



But here is why I find the movie great. There are a lot of funny ideas in it. Example number #1- in this future society, everything that's deemed bad for you is deemed illegal. So everything from cursing to salt, to alcohol, contact sports, meat, chocolate, uneducational toys, gasoline, anything spicy, abortion, or even having a baby without a license. Even when Huxley asks Spartan if he wants to have sex, he starts getting ready, and she comes out and puts a helmet on his head. When he suggests they do it the "old fashioned" way, she's like, "what, you mean the exchange of bodily fluids??" Then there's the idea of being fined for cursing out loud. There are sensors that are chiming throughout the whole movie..."John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute." Then there's the 3 shells in the shitter. Spartan can't figure it out. They laugh at him and the idea that "in the 20th century they used wads of paper..." I've always thought that idea was amazing. And finally, the funniest one to me was the idea of the Franchise wars. they only mention this once, but there's a scene where this dude asked to take some of the characters to dinner at "taco bell". And he looks as if he's very pleased with himself. Spartan is like, "uh... ok." Then Huxley explains that after the franchise wars, only one restaurant was left. "Now all restaurants are Taco Bell." and that's it. It only leaves you wondering... WTF? What happened? I would love it if there were franchise wars. Do you think the fry cooks would all get raises? or at least some battle helmets? There's so many very subtle references and critiques on modern society and free will here that if you aren't quick, you might miss, and chalk this up to just another shitty action movie. Sinister heads of state think they are doing the right thing by building a "better" society, but in reality are demonizing the poor, and trying to get rid of them altogether! They are after the "Scraps" who are just poor people living in the sewers and ruins of old LA who want to live "free" and are trying not to starve to death. Heavy shit man! much deeper than your typical action flick.
What else? Sting redid the old Police song, "Demolition Man" for the end credits, and its hilarious. I think I may have finally found a rating system to use. I should use the Demolition Man "3 shells" system to rate movies. 1 shell is total shit. 2 shells rides the line between total shit, and totally awesome, and 3 shells is a perfect wipe!
this one is 3 shells. ah fuckit, that's too confusing. I recommend it, and its now on netflix instant. word up.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Cleopatra Jones (1973)

"Hair's like a woman. You treat it good and it treats you good. Ain't that right honey? You hear what I'm saying? Yeah, you got to hold it, caress it, and love it. And if your hair gets out of line you take a scissor and say, "Hair I'm going to cut you." - Doodlebug

"that's what I call sum extra, HEAVY, DUBBLE-DUTY stuff!! MMM-MMMM!"- ol dude

A high quality blaxploitation flick if I ever saw one, you can tell they actually dropped some duckets on this one! Like the funky female version of James Bond, there was no tougher than Tamara Dobson. Also starring Bernie Casey, Antonio Fargas, and a hilarious Shelly Winters, bad/awesome flicks review takes on CLEOPATRA JONES!



What I found impressive right in the beginning of this one compared to others of the genre was that they introduce the character as she is off in Turkey infiltrating someone's poppy field and instructs some official looking dudes to "blow up the poppy field". The wide frame has just had her fly in over this beautiful turkish landscape by helicopter and sashay down through a double line of all these Turkish dignitaries looking like one of the most fashionably dressed and beautiful super models one could ever hope to see, and then she's the one telling people to blow up these poppies, and our work will never be done, til we "get it all off the streets and outta the reach of the kids". Typical fare for blaxploi films, but both beautifully orchestrated and believably rendered. I mean the director wants us to know we are dealing with one bad mamma, and it comes across. From there, we are introduced to "Mommy" (Shelly Winters) a big shit dope dealer back stateside, who is absolutely furious at Cleo for burning up her poppy field. Mommy's business is already deteriorating and Cleo's blow has proved to be a breaking point. Mommy comes up with a plan to get Cleo back stateside so she can keep all of her crops from being destroyed. She calls in a favor to a crooked cop and has Cleo's pet project Safe house for kids trying to get off drugs raided, and a huge bag of heroin planted on one of the residents.



Cleopatra comes back to town, and is totally pissed. She kills a couple dudes straight off the airplane, and just flashes her "special agent" badge and walks straight outta the fucking airport!! haha!! no questions asked! I know shit was different back then, but come on! No paperwork whatsoever?? Bullshit! Anyway, I guess I shouldn't give away too much on this one, but let's just say there's a special appearance by Florida from Good Times!! and her sons are these bad ass karate dudes! (of course!) and what else? Cleopatra drives the sweetest corvette you've ever seen with a crazy extra on the T-top that makes it raise so it doesn't mess up her afro when she's getting out of the car!! TUFF!! pretty sick car chase through the same drainage ditches that are in T2 between her vette and a badass mustang, a hilarious character named Doodlebug who has some pretty funny sidekicks, some motorcross, and plenty of action. You can find this guy at Big Lots for like 5 bucks or maybe even less. Pick it up!

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Wild Life (1984) (Cameron Crowe)

"It's casual"- Tom Drake

"It's my hair, isn't it? You don't like my hair."- Harry

Alahoyus! Now this is more like it! Another childhood awesome flick completely debunked! Well not completely... How could a movie starring Chris Penn, Eric Stoltz, Lea Thompson, with cameos by Ben Stein, Randy Quaid, Rick Moranis, Ron Wood, the "pussy wagon" guy from KILL BILL, and Lee Ving from Fear, written by Cameron Crowe as a follow up to "Fast Times...", and a score written by Eddie Van Halen possibly be anything but amazing?? Well watch this and find out... Bad/Awesome personified, all of those people trying their best to make a fantastic comedy with no discernable plot whatsoever- in THE WILD LIFE!!



It took me a very long time to find a copy of this. It has only ever been released on VHS and Laserdisc (I think because Cameron Crowe doesn't want it to get out that his name is attached to such a big flopping stinker... but wikipedia says its because of soundtrack issues... somebody in Steppenwolf is looking for the big bucks...). Its one of those movies that you try to remember the name of and then after explaining what it's about, everyone goes, "OHHHH YEEAHHH!" The fucking thing is worth watching to see Chris Penn try to out-Spicoli his brother as a super thin young wild buck. Seems like they got everyone to be in this thing. You'll even recognize the little brother as the "other" kid from WEIRD SCIENCE (opposite AMH {shorthand for Anthony Micheal Hall [duh]}).
Story goes (if you can call it that) its the end of summer. Almost time for school to be back in sesh. Tom Drake (Penn) and Bill Conrad (Stoltz) work at the bowling alley. Bill is outta school and getting his own place. He's recently busted up with his chick (Lea Thompson) who is porking this cop (who turns out to be married). Tom is like a local wrestling star wildman who goes out with this chick with terrible 80s hair and style who works in the mall at a shop with Rick Moranis (who fucking knocks it outta the park as always.)
Bill's lil brother is Jim who is tuff as shit and obsessed with Vietnam. He doesn't know if he'll go back to school yet or not, because he's fucked i guess.



Tom decides he want to marry his chick but she's like no way dude, yer crazy... He tells his buds that she said yes, and that they're gonna have a stag party. Bill's rent is too high, so he gets Tom to move in with him. They go to "Les Girls" and get in a huge slugout. Tom starts raging all the time, and pisses Bill off. Jim takes his buddy to meet Charlie (Quaid) a Nam vet. Charlie turns out to be a junkie, and Jim splits. Bill finds out about his chick porking the cop, and goes to tuff him up. He gets sauced, but his lil bro Jim fixed the pigs up real good, dig? Crash, Huge doughnut to the copmobile. Bill tries to pull it together in the 7th inning stretch only to come home to a rager to end all ragers in his swank bachelor pad, with Lee Ving the cable guy hanging and so many partyers that the place has no room. Tom and his wrestling buds take care of that by ker-smashing the wall down. "Lawsuit." Bill gets her in the closet. Tom kidnaps his girl. IF, (big if) IF you can find it... get some "burlacious gange buds" and it'll prolly be worth it. still gotta come up with a sweet rating system. one thumb up. one somewhere else.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Superfuzz (1980)

Ok, so for the last movie... I got called out for reviewing an awesome/awesome movie... so, the only way to redeem myself was to find and review a truly bad/bad movie. Then the balance shall be restored. I have to admit, when I was a kid, this movie was awesome. I even remember when Robocop came out, thinking that somehow they had gotten part of the idea from this movie. Upon long overdue rewatching... this thing is a pile of dogshit. Terence Hill and Ernest Borgnine in SUPERFUZZ!



So the story goes, Dave Speed is this rookie cop in Miami who is always goofing up. Ernest Borgnine is the sarge, and he sends him out to collect the bread on this parking ticket... Speed goes to it, finds out he has to deliver the ticket way out on a deserted Native American reservation. He has to canoe there. So, while he's on his way to do that... NASA decides to fire an experimental missile over the reservation. I have know idea how this was supposed to fly in the real world, but I guess it WAS 1980. Anyway, the reservation has been evacuated and Speed is like, "where is everyone?" He starts shouting hello, figures it a lost cause, hangs the ticket on a teepee, and decides to split. When he tries to get back in the canoe, there's an alligator in it. At first he's gonna shoot it, but he can't bring himself to do it, so instead he decides to fire his pistol into the air. When he shoots into the air, the fucking bullet hits the rocket?!? causing it to explode and then mushroom cloud around him, covering him in this red powder. No word on the condition of the alligator.
Everyone thinks he dies, but he's fine. When he gets back to town, he sees Borgnine, who has been busted down to traffic duty for sending an officer into the shit. Borgnine busts his chops and calls bullshit on him even going out there because he says nothing could survive that. Right away Speed notices that he has powers "far beyond those of mortal men". Powers like super strength, speed, telekinesis, he sees the future, etc. But no one believes him because the powers don't work all the time. The gag is, his powers fail if he sees the color red.
He starts to fight crime, and eventually the mob who are counterfeiting bills around town. They kill the Sarge and frame Speed. Then the cops try to kill Speed, unsuccessfully.
Probably the worst thing about the flick was the constant theme song. "Supah-Supah". Anyway, this is cornball to the max, sped up film for special effects, mobsters that counterfeit one dollar bills instead of 100s. Its killer if you're 9 years old... other than that... skip it.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Wild at Heart (1990) (David Lynch)

"Did I ever tell ya that this here jacket represents a symbol of my individuality, and my belief in personal freedom?" - Sailor

"Speaking of Jack, One eyed Jack's yearning to go a peeping in a seafood store!" - Bobby Peru

"Uh oh. Baby, you'd better get me back to that hotel. You got me hotter than Georgia asphalt." - Lula

The last of the flicks I watched while in the house on the beach in France, another chapter in the weird and wild mind of David Lynch. This one sort of hit home with me being set in Cape Fear, North Carolina and being about young lovers on the lam(b)(?) in a world of shit. Kind of reminds me of high school. A very violent and strange movie from beginning to end, from characters to dialogue and its delivery... Nicholas Cage, Laura Dern, Harry Dean Stanton, Diane Ladd, Crispin Glover, and Willem Dafoe in David Lynch's WILD AT HEART.


What a helluva flick. Its classic Lynch, with insane cameos, dialogue thats so cheesy that you can smell it coming off the screen, lots of violence and gore set against a backdrop of the broken American dream, this time viewed through the crystal ball of the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. It starts off with Sailor (Nick Cage) beating the shit outta this dude named Bobby Ray Lemon, actually beating him to death. The dude pulled a knife on him because Lula (Dern)'s mother Marietta Fortune (Ladd) hired him to kill him because Sailor wouldn't fuck her in the bathroom. Sailor goes to jail for 5 years, gets out, gets picked up by Lula, and then they set off on a lover's adventure to California. Marietta hires a detective (Stanton) to follow them, and also a mobster named Marcellos Santos. The whole damn movie is great. They fuck a lot, and listen to a heavy metal band called Powermad. And they love Elvis, and there's a wreck where they see this chick croaks right in front of them.



Crispin Glover plays a weird cousin in a flashback story scene who loves christmas, and makes sandwiches all night and sticks cockroaches in his pants. Issabella Rossalina is in it as a killer, and the main chick from Twin Peaks as Glenda the good witch. There are many other assorted characters that you'll recognize from other flicks as minor characters... like John Lurie, and the dude from "Oh Brother Where Art Thou" that doublecrosses the boys... "sorry, i gotta do for mine"... But, by far and away, the best character in the movie is Bobby Peru, as portrayed by Willem Dafoe. A greasy slippery rapist rat fink hitman,

***SPOILER ALERT***

the penultimate scene in the flick is when he after doublecrossing Sailor in their feedstore robbery, accidently blows his own fucking head off with a shotgun. Man, the sound coming from the screen, I had to rewind it two or three fucking times. "So intense"! This movie won the Cannes film festival top prize in 1990, and was panned by critics everywhere... but they were all obviously full of shit, because this movie ruled. Also, Diane Ladd is Laura Dern's real mom. And she was even creepier than ol Bobby Peru. No shit!!! ok, double thumbs up. Check it out at all costs..... More soon.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Darkman- (1990) (Sam Raimi)

"Tell us where to find the Bellasarious Memorandum, and we shall disappear... like a nightmare before the breaking day." - Durant

I love Sam Raimi, but talk about a shitty flick. This is one of those flicks that maybe you see once years ago, and maybe back then you were like, this is great OR, at least, that was pretty good. When you're a young dude or dudette, some things can seem amazing that are totally shitty. Sports for example. (That's sort of a joke). Ok, so like I said, I found a stash of VHS at this chateau in France, and I've been watching them. I thought I remembered this one being a really well done movie about a seedy underworld with a cool character trying his best to overcome the forces of evil, and with Sam Raimi at the helm, I had to revisit. Boy was I disappointed. Liam Neeson, & Francis McDormand in a piece of shit entitled DARKMAN.



To tell you the truth, I don't even know when it was that I saw this. I may have been taken by my folks with some neighborhood dudes to see this one hot summer day, and just been really high on kool-aid. Then again, it could have been one of those sleepover domino's pizza/oreos/coca-cola classic features. I can't remember. Either way, I was too young to discern how terrible Liam Neeson's acting was. Sam Raimi apparently wanted to do a big budget superhero flick, trying for Batman, and the Shadow. Unable to secure the rights for those, he said fuck it, and just made up his own character. The whole thing is NOT THAT BAD. BUT... i guess I've come to enjoy good/bad flicks so much, that when you see a bad/bad one, it just bums you out that much more.



the story is about a scientist who is trying to create some kind of synthetic skin, and he's almost there, except for that the skin disintegrates after 99 minutes. Finally he figures out that it won't melt if its in the dark. (I feel like in this day and age of plastic surgery that this whole movie doesn't make ANY sense anymore, and MAY be my problem with the whole movie. I think its become dated because of upgrades in technology.) So, buying into this, he also dates this chick who is a lawyer. She comes across a super badass named memo ("the Bellasarious Memorandum") and it says that her boss is bribing the board of directors allowing him to build a "super city". She splits to confront him on it, and he sends some gangster dudes (the nastiest one cuts off dudes fingers and collects them) to get the memo from the lab. I'm assuming that the lab was their apartment, because why the fuck would he take her paperwork to his lab?? But I digress. So anyway, they fuck him up, he becomes hideously deformed burning his hands and face and then blowing up the lab sending him flying into the water and assumed dead.



BUT... he didn't die, he was taken to a hospital as a john doe, and then treated with special techniques that cut his feeling off... Because he'd live in agony forever (if he woke up they said) but the bad news was that he'd go crazy because he couldn't tell how much adrenaline he was working up or whatever. Anyway, he wakes up, escapes, puts some of his old equipment together in an old warehouse, reconstructs masks of his face and his enemies faces and tries to go get his old lady back from the asshole who blew him up and stole her away. He succeeds, but I don't know, I was totally passing out... the one dude gets blown up in a helicopter but must've not died, because part 2 is called the return of Durant... and i don't even think he killed the main guy. Theres a couple cool scenes. He puts his regular face back on, tells his old lady he's fine, and now they're back in love, and then he goes to a carnival and wins her a stuffed elephant, but the redneck carny won't give him the prize, so he goes Bonkers, and wigs out, sees fire, and breaks the dudes fingers, grabs an elephant and just splits. So, its not all bad. There are some Raimi moments. Ok... I do not recommend this one. And that may be like the 2nd out of all of these that i don't recommend, so thats saying something. Last but not least, there's a special cameo at the end of none other than BRUCE CAMPBELL! He's the last mask Darkman puts on when he says fuck it, and splits from his chick to live the life he hates, but is forced to live.

If you have any bad/awesome flicks recommendations, leave them in the comments for me!! thanx for reading!!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Bad Lieutenant- (1992) (Abel Ferrara)

“I've been dodging bullets since I was 14. No one can kill me, I'm blessed. I'm a fucking Catholic.”

Hello out there... if you read this vloggg with any frequency, you know that lately I've been writing about the weirdest and best/worst movies that I can remember watching growing up. Last night, I was digging around the chateau that I'm staying at in France, and found a badass collection of vhs on the back of a shelf in the living room. I thought I'd take advantage of reviewing some more classics and searching for a few that I haven't thought of in years. The first one that nearly jumped off the shelf in my hands was Harvey Keitel's outstanding performance in a movie that creeped me out beyond belief as a teenager, Abel Ferrara's BAD LIEUTENANT. (The trailer is ok, but doesn't really do the movie justice, so Ill put a link to a rad tribute some dudes made on youtube at the bottom of this review... word):



I was glad to get a chance to see this again, as a few friends have recommended seeing last year's pseudo-remake by Werner Herzog starring Nick Cage. Yeah, I was skeptical too, but even the snobbish of critics gave it some praise (Not that that really matters in the context of this vloggg, of course its better if its dogshit...). I can't remember exactly when I first saw this movie, but I'm pretty sure it was on skinemax or showtime?!? Like I said, I can't remember, but I do remember that I DID see the uncut nc-17 rated version w/ the naked dance, and the "beat off in front of the young girls" scene. Even with those 5 minutes cut out, this is definitely one of the most fucked up movies ever. I still cringe at the level of the destructive path this character is on. Harvey Keitel plays a cop (they never say his name actually) who starts the movie by dropping his kids off late to school, then as soon as they jump outta the car, he starts doing bumps of coke. And its all downhill from there. I'm not going to give you the whole plot of this flick, but it does have a bit of everything: excessive drug use including but not limited to cocaine, smoking crack, chasing the dragon, shooting heroin, drinking, prostitution, transvestites, he steals drugs from crime scenes and gives it to dealers to make money on it. And his heinous gambling problem is what sort of ties the whole plot together. He bets a shitload on a series between the Mets and the Dodgers, and Darryl Strawberry (who by now has started playing with LA) is up 3 games to 0 in a series of 7. The Mets make a comeback, and he just keeps doubling up on his debt as the movie goes along. There's also a nun who gets raped, and he starts investigating this crime somehow in his drunken stupor, and for those of you who have seen this already...

(SPOILER ALERT)

- what the fuck was up with when he tracks down the 2 dudes after the jesus/baglady shows him the goblet??? Why did he take them to the bus station? I figured they were dead for sure. But, I figure, the nun wasn't going to prosecute them, so he figured, he's such a fuck up, that who was he to judge them.... BUT- that still doesn't explain why he gave them 30,000 FUCKING DOLLARS!!! I mean, if we're talking redemption here, I'm 99% sure those 2 dudes did NOT split town. They probably took one look in that cigar box, and were like, "who the FUCK was that?" And then maybe moved across town, I don't know. That whole part just didn't make sense to me. Of course I'm not a drug addled maniac.


ok, so... I highly recommend checking this one out. And maybe Ill do a review of the Herzog one if its worth a shit. And maybe even if its not. More soon.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzsayiLy52E

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Crippled Masters (1979)

"Two crippled brothers, one indestructable force. Revenge against all odds!!" So reads the box of our next masterpiece. For this segment of my all time favorite bad flicks, I went Black Belt Theater on yer ass. This may not be the best kung fu movie of all time, but it definitely is the weirdest, and it definitely is my favorite, and it definitely sticks out in anyone's mind who has ever seen it. A man with no arms, and a man with (sort of) no legs are- THE CRIPPLED MASTERS!!!



So, let me tell you a tale. Once there was an bad organization of bad dudes. one of them- Lee Ho, betrayed the organization. So when the flick starts, you see Lee Ho getting his arms chopped off. As a matter of fact, the first thing you see is his bloody arm dropping to the ground. Its amazing. Then the other dude (Tang) is like, "chop his other arm off..." And they do. Then he rolls down the steps, and then gets treated like shit in the restaurant, and the bouncer kicks his ass. They take him to the coffin maker, but he is still alive. The main bad guy (Lin Chang Cao) sends his right hand man (Pao) and his two main bodyguards (Black and White) to go get some coffins. They see Lee Ho, and kick his ass some more. He escapes to the woods, and is unsuccessful trying to eat rice from chickens, and after being caught eating hogslop, decides to make it in the village doing oddjobs. So then for some reason, Tang is accused of knowing too much?! and Lin Chang Cao (the evil bastard) pours acid all over Tang's legs, and they're literally turned into just bones w/ little feet on the end. Its gross. So he splits to the woods too. Too bad he runs into Lee Ho out there... Lee Ho sets out to beat the shit out of him, and the battle escalates into a cave, but luckily for Tang, they here something and find this little old man balled up inside a basket. He tells them to stop fighting and that he knows that they used to work for the organization, and that if they want to beat Lin Chang Cao, they should team up, and that he will train them. So then you have a long training montage, and then they meet up with this other dude, and well, I don't want to give away the whole thing. Let's just say, there are jewel thieves, Eight Jade Horses, Lin Chang Cao has this weird metal hump on his back, and what else? The fucking fight scenes are great. Its really well organized and choreographed for dudes with no arms and little stick legs. Wait'll you see them team up like those special transformers. Its nuts. It doesn't get much more bad/awesome than this. I should devise a rating system. Ill do that very soon. its great. that is all.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988)

ok, so I thinking about bad flicks, and I asked myself, what were my favorites growing up? What were the ones that made my hair stand on end they were so bad slash so totally incredible? Which ones deserve the treatment so to speak? And so I came up with a list of flicks that were just begging to be rewatched, and reviewed. First up on the list was a little known and (at one time) hard to find flick starring Rowdy Roddy Piper! Made the exact same year as he starred in John Carpenter's THEY LIVE... 1988 was a "hell" of a year for Piper. Here he is alongside Sandahl Bergman in HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN.



The thing about this one that sets it apart from the rest of the bad movies I usually review here, is that there is almost NO redeeming quality to it. Its pretty bad... No great one-liners like he had in THEY LIVE, the acting is pretty heinous... I guess you could say the costumes were ok. BUT... the reason this one stuck up there in the old gordon, after rewatching it- is that its a total boner story. I must have seen this on skinemax when i was like 14 or something, because Sandahl Bergman is in her bra and panties most of the flick, her "gunner" Corporal Cintranella gets naked, and they have to rescue another harem of chicks from the frogs.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Check out this awesome plot: Its after WWIII. The world is devastated, and as a result of uranium mining there are mutant frogs who live out in the outlands on reservations. Sam Hell is being investigated for porking this future cops daughter when all of a sudden this division of the army made up of chicks rescue him and agree to drop all charges against him if he'll help them impregnate a few of the only fertile women left on the earth (since he is {even rarer} one of the only virile men left on earth). He agrees, then they put like a chastity bomb on his weiner so he can't get away, and then inform him he has to bust the fertile chicks out of frogtown. To which he retorts: "Hey lady, I agreed to fuck for my freedom, but Frogtown was no part of this deal, you're crazy!"



And there ya go. Totally classic, cheeseball post-apocalyptic low budge rightousness. Plenty of machine guns, a pink vehicle that kinda looks like a fucking pt cruiser w/ a gatlin gun on top, nasty frogmen, a bit of boob action, and lots of pent up end of the world desire. Good shit. Find it. Apparently there are 3 sequels! They all look like utter dogshit. Cheers!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Black Dynamite (2009) & Ninja Assassin (2009)

growing up, after cartoons were over on saturday mornings, the local tv stations would have matinee theater all afternoon, starting with something like "mega monster" theater, then "black belt" theater, and then maybe a blaxploitation or other genrecentric film. And I lived for them. So even though I don't often review newer flicks here, I thought I'd package both of these together since they are kind of reminiscent of the past for me. A Blax spoof/sendup and a ninja flick. here we go first with: BLACK DYNAMITE!



This movie is almost fucking perfect. In every way. They never slip you a wink or a nudge like, "haha, we're poking fun". Its very true to the Blaxploitation flicks of old, yet, spoofed in a smart way. This one I totally recommend, so as usual Ill spare you the walkthru, and just give you a brief synopsis: Black Dynamite is one bad mother. He is ex-CIA, a veteran of Nam, and generally just holds shit down, and handles business in Hollywood. When his brother is killed by the same dope fiends who are putting "a new drug" in the hands of the orphans, its just too much for Black Dynamite to take. I want to tell you more, but, suffice to say, his travels are hilarious, and the cameos are hilarious as well. A+++ dudes, wish I could say the same for this next flick...



I don't wanna start of shitting on this movie right from the beginning, as the fucking thing starts out awesome...but, well, watch the trailer. a bunch of unknowns in NINJA ASSASSIN.



Ok... my problem here is not the ass-kicking and dare I say "riki-oh" influenced gore. My problem is the need for the director (whoever) to throw in the goddamned love story. And its light at best... but for christsakes... We're talking about a ninja movie here. These dudes are supposed to be SOOOOO badass, yet they have ample opportunity to waste the chick and her fucking DUMBASS boss time and time and time again, yet somehow, they come away unscathed. I guess these ninjas are that badass after all. So, let's see, I'm halfers for it. The blood and carnage is great, but they even CGIed most of that too, so its kind of shit. I caught myself going, "oh shit!" or "goddamn!" a couple of times, but like i said... its a ninja movie! I should have been saying that over and over again. Do I need to do the plot thing? Little kid gets kidnapped into ninja organization. Years later, chick investigator uncovers centuries old plot where governments pay these clans to assassinate peeps for them. Kid could be the baddest of them all. His girlfriend is in the clan too. She rebels. They kill her. He stays with them, till he's had too much, then vows revenge. Years later, he gets it. Ho Hum. watch Black Dynamite instead. or Youth in Revolt. I know i didn't review it, but its hilarious. word.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Blue Velvet (1986) by David Lynch

-[peering into bag that Jeffrey brought]
Detective Williams: "That's a human ear all right."
***
-Frank Booth: "Don't be a good neighbor to her. I'll send you a love letter, straight from my heart, fucker! You know what a love letter is? It's a bullet from a fucking gun, fucker! You receive a love letter from me, you're fucked forever! You understand, fuck? I'll send you straight to hell, fucker!"
***
-Sandy Williams: "...it means that there is trouble until the robins come."
***
-Jeffrey Beaumont: "Do you see that house? I used to know a kid who lived there, he had the biggest tongue in the world."





First things first. Rest in peace Dennis Hopper. I've always dug Dennis Hopper from watching Easy Rider and Apocalypse Now with my pop when I was little. This little gem slipped by my peepers growing up, even though I'd heard of since I was young. But the description was always something like "very weird" or "too hard to understand", when the real description should have been, "unbelievably beautiful" or "something very noir, and very creative in its storytelling". Then I would've watched this years ago. There are so many awesome lines in it, I had to use them as the intro to the trailer- & I may start doing that all the time. What a cast. The funny thing is, thinking of all the films i DID see with Hopper around this time, like RIVERS EDGE or TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2, I never knew I was missing one of the best roles of his career. Frank Booth. What a dastardly character. What a hilarious and awful/perfect villian. I just think this a must see, and I missed it all these years, maybe you have as well, go give this fucker a chance.
I absolutely wouldn't dare ruin this one for you, but here's a brief synopsis: Kyle Maclachlan (DUNE, TWIN PEAKS) is a dude who comes back to his hometown cuz his pops had a stroke. He finds an ear in a field and takes it to this cop who has a hot daughter in high school. He starts hanging with this chick and she tempts his curiosity with info about the case. There's a chick singer (Issabella Rossalini) who's wrapped up in it somehow. They go see her sing, and then the dude says fuck it, lets pretend we are exterminators, get a key, break in her house, and then see what happens. What happens is this dude gets caught up in some heavy shit, with the crazy dancer wanting him to pork her, and a dangerous wildman on his ass bigtime. Sounds pretty simple, but put together, I think old David Lynch really made his masterpiece here.
To follow, another trailer that'll tempt your tastebuds to go buy or rent or whatever to get this in yer hands.
3 thumbs up.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Riki-Oh- The Story of Ricky (1991)

a favorite of mine for years... one of the first, and one of THE goriest japanese flicks of all time. Based on a comic book of the same name, a bunch of dudes you've never heard of in- THE STORY OF RICKY aka RIKI-OH. Below is a pretty good homemade English trailer, as there was never an original English one made, and the one that they made later on for the dvd release makes it look too serious and stupid. So this is what you get... (way down at the bottom is the og Japanese trailer too.)



Wow wow wow. I can't tell you how many times I wondered what the hell the movie the clip was from that came on the Daily Show way back when Craig Kilborn was the host during his "5 Questions" segment. It depicted this giant dude smashing this little dudes head into a million pieces. All of my friends used to wonder what it was from and this was way before the days of the internet explosion. Luckily there was a cool older dude down at the local video store who was up to snuff on his gory martial arts imports. As we settled down in my buddy's basement to watch this "Story of Ricky", none of us knew what we were in for. This was like 1992. (i know some of you are like, hey man, they had the internet way before 92, yeah, well, not in the town i lived in smartass. you can't even get wifi there NOW... hence the trips to the coffeeshop, but i digress). What unfolded was the most low budget- yet most awesome- punch dudes thru the face- exactly what every dude wants out of a movie-movie that was ever made (besides maybe roadhouse). I still get excited thinking about an invincible dude who is imprisoned for revenge for the death of his love, fighting for the rights of all of the prisoners, and just decimating this fucking place.



the first version I saw was with subtitles, the original. Since then, a dubbed version has been released that is pretty great as well, because its makes a few things funnier in ways they weren't before.
Again, this is one i highly recommend finding, so I don't wanna ruin it for ya, but here's a general plot run down: In the year 2001 (its like saying 2025 now) all of the prisons and government institutions are privatized and franchised. Ricky has been imprisoned for manslaughter. The dudes running the prison are dicks. The warden is off in Hawaii, and the asst warden is in charge til he gets back. The four blocks of the prison are ran by these badass dudes called the "gang of four". They basically beat the shit out of the other prisoners and treat them terribly. But, these badass dudes are nothing compared to the awesome power of Ricky. This dude punches down walls, punches thru dudes bellies, ties his own goddamned tendons together after being having them severed. There's heads chopped in half, people getting skinned alive, people exploding, heroin trafficking, dudes getting their faces sawn off, and that ain't even the tip of the iceburg. If you've never seen this, get yerself a copy at all costs. It can be easily ordered online. Below you'll find the original trailer in Japanese.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Rubin & Ed (1991)

So, after years of looking for a copy (it has never had a dvd release and has long been out of print on vhs) I finally got to witness ol Jonny Fever and George McFly in one of the weirdest sought after independant flicks out there. Howard Hesseman, Crispin Hellion Glover, and Karen Black in- Ruben & Ed.



Years ago, I remember some friends talking about Crispin Glover appearing on David Letterman dressed up all funny and acting completely distraught and confused like he was on acid, and ended with him trying to kick Letterman in the face and saying "I'm strong, I can kick... I can kick" and Letterman walking off the set during the interview. That was long before Youtube, and I continued to hear about this legendary interview over the years, and finally someone somewhere explained that he wasn't on acid, he was playing a character that ended up being in a movie he did four years later. AGAIN, EVEN THOUGH IT SAYS HE IS IN THE TEXT, HE IS NOT ON ACID.



Since then, I had watched the clip many times, but never could land a copy of the flick. We even saw a copy on vhs at a place on tour one time and offered the guy at the shop a good amount of bread for it, just so we could see the damn thing. He wouldn't even let us rent it for fear that we wouldn't bring it back since we werent from around there. This only made us salivate for it more and more. So blah blah blah, we got our hands on a copy, and I just rewatched it last night.
Talk about a weird flick. And I'm not talking Crispin Glover "What is it?" weird, I'm just talking about a very strange movie about an eccentric young hermit, and a middle aged divorcee trying to pull his life together through a "get rich quick" scheme. Since it'll probably be a while before you find a copy of this gem, Ill give you a quick plot rundown. Ed has joined "the organization", a pyramid scheme disguised as a real estate money making seminar. He is instructed to get dudes to the seminar. Ruben is a home body who lives in a motel that his mom manages. He listens to Mahler and dances around squeaking a toy mouse. His mom desperately wants him outta the motel and wants him to make some friends. She takes away his jam box, and says he can have it back when he makes a friend. So, these dudes meet each other and Ruben says he'll go to the seminar if Ed will come pick him up. Ed comes over, and Ruben says he has to meet his mother first. Ed is gonna split, but decides to wait and drink a glass of water. He goes to get ice out of the fridge and pulls a dead frozen cat out of the freezer. When he asks what the hell Ruben is doing with a dead cat in his freezer, Ruben says he needs to find a place to bury it. Ed says why not the desert, and Ruben agrees to go to the seminar if Ed will drive him out to the desert to bury it. So they go, and they are fighting and bickering the whole time, and Ruben keeps NOT burying the cat because its the wrong spot. Anyway, it gets weirder from there. I don't wanna ruin everything, its kind of slow in a few spots, but could have been a second rate Raising Arizona if it got more publicity. There are several sequences that are fucking hilarious, such as the cat waterskiing dream sequence. Anyway... this one rules. If you can find it, I highly recommend it.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Cobra (1986)

Fucking H. You know it. You've seen it, and you don't remember it. You need to go rent it again for the first five minutes alone. Its great, it sucks, and its even better than that, all rolled into one. Stallone. a cop. Bridgette Nielsen, a chick, and the ugliest dude I've ever seen yelling "you wanna go with me to hell, PIG?" in- COBRA.



Let me start out by saying, sorry its been such a while. Ive watched some hideous flicks that I have yet to review, but touring didn't allow me a lot of free time these last few months. So we begin this run with Cobra, an old favorite. Some of the lines in this movie are unbelievable, and some are REALLY bad... Some of the shit Stallone pulls in the beginning make you think this may be the best movie ever made. Then thirty minutes later you are like, what the fuck is this? My pop rewatched this guy with me last week, and he made the comment that it came out during the 80s when the production in cop shows and flicks was all the same. The song montage with Bridgette Nielsen herself couldve been straight outta Miami Vice. And what was up with those weird prop robots she was dancing with??? They were terribly constructed (haha). So, I don't think I'll ruin this one with a total walkthru. Let's just say that there's a gang of dudes who hang out in a warehouse somewhere with barrels of fire lit, and they stand around like they are in an old 80s workout video and clang axes and hatchets together in unison. When confronted, they shout about the "new order" and try to kill "pigs" or whatever. Stallone is Sgt Cobretti, and he is supposed to protect this chick who may be able to identify the "Night Slasher" or head of the "new order". Anyway, if you are looking for a badass and cheesy 80s action flick, you gotcherself a wiener here. ***bonus shit*** supposedly Stallone wrote this script for Beverly Hills Cop, but wanted a grittier less comedic movie, and split (according to Wikipedia.) word.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Keoma (1976)

One of the final great "spaghetti westerns", KEOMA was a last hurrah and a shining triumph of what the genre had been, and could have been. In 1976, when most of the steam had already run out of these types of flicks, and they had moved on from serious dramas to shitty parodies or even shittier "western comedies", Franco Nero brought to life the story of a "half-breed" hell bent on making up for lost time.



KEOMA is the tale of Keoma, a half-white, half-native American man who has returned from the civil war to his home in the old west. Upon his return he finds his old town run by a corrupt Confederate soldier who's got a posse of assholes that ride roughshod all over the citizens of the town. Something has infected the water and given some of the townsfolk the "plague". The bad guy (Mr. Caldwell) won't let anyone leave town except to go to an old mine to die if they are sick enough. Keoma sees them taking a bunch of them to the mine, and he rescues this pregnant lady, and takes her back to town. The townsfolk are pissed, b/c they think she has the plague and might infect them.



Other things aren't working out so well for ol Keoma either. His dad, who used to be the main ass kicker in town, never even leaves his ranch anymore b/c things are so fucked. His 3 bigtime asshole half brothers are in cahoots with Caldwell, and they've been kicking Keoma's ass since their ol man brought him back from the reservation. His only friend in the world, who was his dad's ranchhand, and was also a badass with a bow and arrow, is now the town drunk. Plus there's this old witch that Keoma sees all the time, who's haunting him and asking him "why he came back?", and "isn't he tired of killing?" Keoma always has a tuff as hell answer for her. "Everyone deserves a chance to be born", or "I go alone because I AM alone", or "I do what I do because I am free, and that is the only way to be free." or some shit like that. He's tuff like I said. Plus, Franco Nero had KILLER steez. Ive never seen so much style. There's so much action in this flick... It really has everything you could ask for in a western. There's a fucking 15-20 minute shootout that's like 3 on 50 or so. I don't wanna give away the juicy bits though. The only thing that is annoying about this one is this running ballad theme that narrates throughout the film. It sort of has a BILLY JACK vibe about it, but its really bad, in that its this really shrill ladies voice describing what's happening as it transpires. "you have to go and save her now, you get up on your horse and ride away as fast as it will take youuuu!" HA! it really is like that. And then like, a really out of key drunken sounding dude is singing as if he is Keoma, or responding/narrating in the song.... anyway, that part sucks. But not enough for you to not totally understand that this is a hell of a western. I'm gonna find some more of these to watch, as this was enjoyable. Aloha from somewhere in PA!!