Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Summer Rental (1985)

"Did you see the one where Papa Smurf took a crutch and smashed the shit out of a guy with a red hat? Did you see that one? You want to see that one?" - Jack

"She'll make ya rich, or she'll feed ya to the fishes. If she wants you to dance, sonny boy, you've got to follow her lead." - Scully

"That's right you've got my table but you're not getting my lobsters." - Jack

Completely classic good/bad flick here. This was a studio's attempt to cash in on the success of modern family comedies at the time a la VACATION. All they needed was dude who had the chops like Chevy and they thought they could pull it off. And to some extent, they did. That IS really probably the best description of this, a knock off or B movie version of VACATION (where you'll remember John Candy made a cameo at the end as the amusement park {WALLYWORLD} security guard). And there are a few great cameos and actors in this one as well, such as Joey Lawrence as the young son, Richard (Rambo's boss) Crenna as the antagonist, John Larroquette, and the great Rip Torn (!) all for you in SUMMER RENTAL!!!

this one begins with overworked and overstressed air traffic controller Jack Chester getting sent on a mandatory vacation after he has a freakout in the booth over a fly on the screen. He hasn't had a break in a long time, so he takes his wife and three kids on a dream (?) vacation to a house in florida for two months. Only Jack just so happens to be one of the unluckiest sonofabitches ever. That begins when he just wants some lobster and waits in line at a VERY popular restaurant for hours. This reminds me of going to the beach with my folks when I was very young. He waits and waits, and finally they are next, and then some rich asshole comes up, jumps the line, and orders the last lobsters. Jack freaks out, shows his ass, announces they would never eat where there were rats, and goes to a rundown boat restaurant called Scully's, where they are so hungry, they gladly eat frozen tv dinners without question.

After that, they hear a burglar in the house that night, and it turns out that they've got the wrong address, and they aren't even in the right house. Jack makes a classic comedy exit, spilling dogfood, forgetting his daughter and the subtle use of an imagination gag in that his daughter peed in their bed. Classic 80s stuff here. Jack tries to take his son sailing and ends up ripping a hole in the rich asshole's fancy boat. Then Jack hurts his leg and misses out on some of the fun. He gets locked out, sees the neighbor's tits, has everyone in and out of his house like its a public restroom, and finally gets fed up. The family keeps going out, but Jack doesn't mind, because he went to get drunk at Scully's and decides to learn how to really go sailing.

Jack keeps the facade of broken leg up so he can keep getting better at sailing. The owner of the house dies, and Jack goes to settle up their bill only to discover that the rich asshole bought the property and is evicting him thereby cutting his family's trip short. Jack gets mad and bets him that he'll beat him in the annual boat race. They laugh their asses off and then say "you gotta deal". Jack and Scully train the next two weeks every day and then we have a sweet montage.

We get a second sweet montage when the kids and wife decide to help really driving home the family feel of the movie. They are fixing up the boat to a pretty sweet Jimmy Buffet song that was made just for this movie (HA). The trouble comes when they can't find a sail big enough, and I forgot that they made the restaurant into the boat they needed to sail. It took the rest of their vacation to do it, but they were doing it together. That's what counts right? So then they get the sail, and we have the big race. Why should I spoil who wins for you? I will say that during the credits it shows like a slideshow of pics taken during the trip and you realize they are the pics the wife took over the course of the movie. I liked that probably best of all. Should you see it? Well if you haven't ever, you should, it's classic, but if you did once, you know what's up, leave it in your list and you'll get to it sometime again eventually.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Elvira- Mistress of the Dark (1988)

"Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot they're gonna need all the luck they can get." - Elvira

"Ok, but I want payment up front. I know what you heavy metal weirdos do to hotel rooms. I read all about it in the Star." - Mrs Meeker

"He who holds the book of sight, when the moon is drained of all its light, will then be ruler of the night, Master of the Dark." - Vincent Talbot

"I am so sure. They're gonna kill Spider-Man with plutonium? He's GOT radioactive blood!" - Billy

Trying hard to remember the first time I came across Elvira's... well, that sentence is sort of an Elvira joke in and of itself. Trying to remember the first time I "saw Elvira's image". In the 80s, she was everywhere. She graced amazing movie posters in that first little VHS store that my father took me to in our little small town. She was on pinball machines and hosting late night movies and videos on cablevision. Elvira seemed to be everywhere. In fact, the very first 45 record I was ever given was the Oakridge boys, and I thought the song they sung, "Elvira" was about her. And in my mind, it really was. Here was MY version of Glenda the good witch. This one loved rocknroll, Vincent Price, and had an amazing rack. This flick is sort of a camp horror comedy throwback showcasing Elvira's valley-girl, pun-based sense of humor. Basically, its amazing- starring the secretary from FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF- Edie McClurg and Cassandra Peterson as ELVIRA- MISTRESS OF THE DARK!!!

This little number begins with our favorite Hollywood late night horror theater television host (with the most) Elvira becoming fed up with the shitty situation at her job (which if I can be so bold as to interject here, would be my DREAM job- not to dress up in sexy outfits, but to host really bad movies for the world each and every week) and upon the final straw of sexual harassment being broken, quits and splits. See- it just so happens her heretofore unknown aunt Morgana died and left her a chunk of what she hopes is change way up in Massachusetts. Elvira wants to put on her own FLASHDANCE style horror dance revue type show up in Vegas, but she desperately needs bread. So Massachusetts it is.

Elvira moves to some super uptight town in Massachusetts MOST DEFINITELY sometime during a Romney-esque conservative peak in the cities history. In her "never take things as seriously as everyone else type way" Elvira coasts through these yahoos like an iron through a hot butter shirt. The kids immediately are attracted to her and the parents and older locals are offended from moment one. Elvira doesn't let it slow her down one bit. She rolls into town, meets the hunky dude who runs the theater, steals him from a bra stuffing waitress and begins her takeover. Turns out she inherits a huge house, Morgana's dog, and a special recipe book that her uncle seems to want very badly.

Elvira plans a late night movie event for the kids to earn some bucks and her plan is foiled when she goes to shake it down for a bonerific finale. Tit-stuffer tars and feathers our heroine and tries her best to bum out the seemingly unbumoutable voluptuous vixen. Elvira tried to woo the Brawny paper towel guy by cooking from the recipe book and rustled up a mess of mean that would have made Jim Henson proud. A scary looking meal indeed, but the side effect being this was no ordinary betty crocker's special. This book was written by Elvira's witch aunt who had left her at an orphanage when she was a kid. Also lets her know that her uncle is a super weirdo warlock who'll stop at nothing to get his mitts on that witchy tome.

Elvira gets her revenge on those who chastised her by cooking up what she thought was a monster, but turned out to be a lust potion. It in turn gives her uncle the firepower he needs to turn the whole town against Elvira. Now we have the 80s version of the Salem or whereever Massachusetts witch trials. They begin to burn her at the stake, and if it wasn't for her transformer doggie, she eventually would have. But she got a magic ring, rained rain on the fire to put it out, escapes, loses the ring and then gets it back all in about 3 or 4 minutes. But her house burns down and she ends up going to Vegas to do her show. I guess she had insurance. Should you see this? Absolutely, if you're a horror fan, or a comedy fan, look no further... She's waiting for you. Unpleasant dreams!

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Tron (1982)

"I've got a little challenge for you, Sark - a new recruit. He's a tough case, but I want him treated in the usual manner. Train him for the games... let him hope for a while... and blow him away. " - Master Control Program

"*Because*, man, *somewhere* in one of these memories is the *evidence*! If I got in far enough, I could reconstruct it." - Flynn

"The best programmer ENCOM ever had, and he ends up playing space cowboy in some back room." - Alan Bradley

I remember my older cousins going ape shit over this movie Tron.  My cousin Alan was completely obsessed and got super into Atari right after that.  He had me super stoked on Atari and that led my pop to buying our Atari 2600.  Those were wild days.  Top-loading VCRs and cartridge based "video" games were new to the mass public and with no internet and primitive DOS machines in only the richest of homes, the folks at Disney really knocked it out of the park by grabbing onto this one.  Granted it wasn't anyone involved with Disney who "made" the movie, they only financed it after the visionary director Lisberger gave them an outstanding screen test.  Jeff Bridges in one of his early outstanding roles, I present to you TRON!!!

Tron is the story of genius computer programmer Kevin Flynn who used to work for a company called Encom.  He was screwed over by his former partner Ed Dillenger who stole his design for five early video games that Flynn developed.  We learn that Dillenger rewrote the games deleting all information pertaining to Flynn and then got a "big fat promotion".  Flynn was later canned, and barred from anything concerning Encom.  Fast forward a few years later and Flynn runs a bigtime arcade in some downtown warehouse.  His former colleagues can't understand why he's obsessed with breaking into Encom's systems (or hacking).  In the beginning of the flick it shows Flynn controlling a computer version of a dude (played by himself) named CLU that is trying to hack the system to find the information that will prove he wrote the games.  But he is shit out of luck because Dillenger has a new security system called the Master Control Program that keeps blocking his every move.

Flynn invites his former colleagues over and explains the deal to them hoping they will allow him level 7 security clearance.  His bud Alan tells him unfortunately no one has that clearance anymore because of Dillenger and the MCP.  BUT they can help him sneak into Encom, and that they do.  Once in, Flynn begins to hack and is confronted by the MCP who aims some kind of wild ass laser at his back and somehow sucks him into the computer and forces him to play games for his life.  It also seems as though he does this to get him back because he invented him in the first place as a chess program.  Here's where the awesome effects of the movie shine.  The computer world is filmed unlike any other movie before it, and combines real life, animation and backlit animation.  Its pretty rad.  All the actors in the real world have counterparts in the computer world and speak with very computer saavy and computer related dialogue.  Its very well written even by today's standards (which I guess isn't saying very much).

The MCP and his lieutenant Sark see over "games" in which "programs" compete against each other in order to keep their lives.  "User's" are considered religious nonsense by the MCP, but the bits and programs secretly believe in them.  Being a user himself, Flynn conceals his identity from everyone until he can figure out just what exactly is going on.  So Flynn meets up with Ram and Tron (a program with a special security mission) and they escape the game grid.  Chased throughout the inner workings of the mainframe, Ram and Flynn are separated from Tron.  Ram is killed and Flynn continues his quest to get to the MCP figuring out that being a user, he can manipulate the digital reality to his liking.  Tron is dogged by "tanks" until he meets up with their chick friend who takes him to see a tower guard who lets him communicate with his user.  Once he does that, he has the info he needs to defeat the MCP.

Riding on some kind of laser boat, Tron and Flynn are reunited.  Sark chases them and rams their ship with his larger one leaving Flynn and the chick to believe Tron to be dead.  Tron infiltrates the MCP's inner sanctum while he is trying to decimate some captured programs and begins battle with Sark.  He defeats Sark but Sark is then brought back to life by the MCP when he transfers all of his power to Sark.  Sark looks big as shit.  Suddenly Flynn and the chick are flying by and they see the MCP.  Flynn smooches the chick and jumps into the center of the MCP to distract it, leaving a big gaping hole open in its spinning security... thing.  Flynn is lifted back out of the MCP and it turns from red to blue signifying that shit is going good.  Then the blue color spreads throughout the system and they rejoice.  Then Flynn is magically transported back into the real world and he gets an email that says hey, that other guy is a dick, you really wrote these programs.  Dillenger gets the same email the next morning and he sulks in his desk.  Next scene is real life Tron and real life chick watching Flynn fly onto the top of Encom in his new helicopter.  He gets out in a suit showing us that he is now the big cheese.  Should you see this one?  Absolutely!  Its a Hell of a film.  I recommend the almost 3 decade later sequel as well.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Watcher In The Woods (1980)

"That's enough! I have better things to do than listen to hysterical fantasies. What happened to Karen was a tragedy that touched us all, changed us all and it's best forgotten." - John Kellar

"Oh, it's just a little cut. I thought... I thought I saw something out there in the woods." - Jan Curtis

"She's going to stay here. Is that what you wanted? " - Mrs. Aylwood

This is a totally classic movie.  I thought Holly Lynn Johnson was super cute when I was a second grader and I can't even remember why we watched this is second grade.  I also remember there being a SUPER confusing ending, which makes sense seeing as how they originally released this movie without the finished ending being on there, and then tacked it on afterwards, and THEN reshot a completely different ending.  The ending that was on my VHS copy seemed to make a bit more sense here years later, but in the grand scheme, I think makes it tell a different story.  Either way, this is a fucking Disney horror film that led them to create Hollywood Pictures so as not to identify the Disney name with such black dark evil shit.  Starring Bette Davis, I present to you, the scariest Disney movie ever, THE WATCHER IN THE WOODS!!!

So this couple with two daughters are moving into a big scary house deep in the English countryside.  They can only move into the house if this old lady says they can.  The old lady comes over to meet them and basically ignores everyone except the eldest daughter.  There seems to be some weird thing watching everyone, we don't see it but its characterized by the wind.  The older daughter cuts her hand on a window and sees a flash outside.  The old lady creeps her out.  She starts to believe that something evil is happening.  The window breaks in a weird triangle that is repeated throughout the movie.  The next day Jan sees a girl with a blindfold on in a mirror right before it breaks in front of her.  She tries to tell her folks but they don't believe her.  Supposedly the old lady next door had a daughter about Jan's age disappear about 30 years earlier out in the woods under mysterious circumstances.

So at some point the youngest daughter gets a dog and when asked why she named it Nerak, she says that the dog told her that was its name.  Then she keeps getting possessed and once she writes the name on the wall and it spells Karen backwards.  You would think everyone would be super freaked out that the little girl keeps getting possessed but they just keep going about their day.  Once she finds out that Karen was the name of the missing girl, Jan sets out on a mission to find out why strange things keep happening and why whatever it is wants her to to find out who or what or why or when or where about Karen.  She gets a boyfriend and finds out his mom was with Karen when she disappears.  Then she asks one of the dudes out in the woods what his deal is.  She slowly starts to piece the story together.  Apparently four kids went out to an old church in the woods and three of them starting hazing Karen, initiating her into their "club" by having a seance around her in the church.  They told everyone they were playing "ring around the rosies".  This was the triangle symbol Jan keeps seeing.

So the old lady saves Jan from drowning once she falls in the water after chasing her sister out into the woods who was in turn chasing her lil dog.  They end up befriending the old lady and Jan tells her she's seen some shit and is figuring it all out.  Jan tries to get her boyfriend to press his mom into giving details out.  The one guy is a drunk and he reveals more.  He says that Karen disappeared when lightning struck the tower and a huge bell fell on her, but she had disappeared and no one ever found her body.  The other old man is a rich dickhead who looks like Romney.  He's been holed up in his huge manor for years.  He's a crab and tells Jan to fuck off.  Jan and Ellie's mom catch Ellie freaking out possessed and She vows to take them out of there, but suddenly a bridge collapses and they're stuck.

Finally Jan figures out that Karen's disappearance has something to do with a solar eclipse that is about to happen so she convinces the crab man to come out to the woods with her, and tells her bf to go get the others, and that they have to recreate the ceremony in hopes that Karen will just reappear.  Suddenly Ellie busts in, again possessed and she tells them not to release their hands and that she is an alien named the Watcher and she's gotta return home, and she needs to change places with the girl.  She somehow got stuck there 30 years prior when they pulled their first little trick.  So there's a lot of screaming and then the transfer takes place, and then Jan boyfriend breaks the circle.  There a huge explosion and standing in the cloud of smoke is Karen.  She takes off her blindfold and hugs her mom, 30 years later. Super creepy build up and kind of a let down ending.  BUT, its explained by the fact that they wrote 152 endings, filmed probably a tenth of those, and released at least 3 different ones.  Should you see this?  I think so, I think its a great classic horror film with a sci fi twist ending.  Enjoy!

VALIENT HIMSELF HAS AN ETSY SHOP!!!!

Hello everyone! I decided to make an Etsy shop for my paintings & drawings. Still taking commissions but here's some stuff I have for sale! Check both pages wrestling fans, there's stuff for you near the end!! http://www.etsy.com/shop/ValientHimselfsArt

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Starchaser- The Legend of Orin (1985)

"Never dig up. Up is Hell." - Mine Robot

"Don't bother with the shields. That bot's about to get a laser-enema." - Dagg

"Oh dear what have you done to me? I'm naked, put my ship back on you perverted fembot!" - Arthur

What an awesome flick! I saw this years ago and could never remember what it was about, I was so young there were a few titles like this that I got mixed up. A super ambitious bit of film making, this was the first animated film entirely made in 3D. It cost millions to make and probably only recouped about 1/15th of the cost... so yeah it was a flop. Doesn't mean its not good though. A tale of space slavery and deception, starring no one I've ever heard of doing the VO's, I present to you STARCHASER- THE LEGEND OF ORIN!!!!




This one begins in the mines of slave planet Trinia where our young hero slaves away with his girlfriend, young blind brother, and all of his people, under the rule of a terrible tyrant named Zygon who has robot guards that force the people to dig all day for crystals.  The slaves think that this is all that life is, even though they've heard tales of another world beyond the Hell that their lives is.  The truth is that their life is a complete facade and Zygon is using these people.  One day Orin (our hero) finds a sword while he's zapping rocks.  His girlfriends grandfather freaks and tells Orin to keep it safe. The old man gets a laser whip to the face for his trouble, dying to protect the sword.  When Orin lifts it, some old man is projected out of the sword and tells them a whole new world is waiting for them if they'll just wake up and figure it all out.  Then the sword disappears and leaves the hilt laying on the ground.  The people are wary and one dude tries to fight Orin, but Orin beats his ass and splits with his girl and leaves his lil bro behind.  On the way out, he gets caught and Zygon kills his girlfriend.  But Orin escapes and digs up, defying the idea that "up is Hell".  About to give up, Orin finally sees a speck of light flickering above, and digs himself out seeing the sky for the first time.

Once free Orin is captured by Man-Droids in a swamp and only escapes after figuring out his sword hilt has an invisible blade that only cuts evil, or seems to work when he needs it.  He then meets up with this smuggler named Dagg who takes him along on his adventures.  They head back to Zygon's headquarters and commence to stealing a load of crystals.  Dagg also steals a fembot named Silica.  He then goes to a town called Toga Toga to sell the fembot and the crystals.  Word is out that he is harboring Orin, so the buyer tells him to meet him in the desert the next day.  Orin is confused about everything and outbids this chick trying to buy Silica, and then Dagg instead of making money has to spend 2000 starclams to buy back his own property.  They go to sell the crystals and the dudes try to buy Orin.  Dagg says no way, but they pay him with a time bomb in his money box.  A little Starfly warns Orin and they throw the box down and blow up the badguys.

Dagg agrees to take Orin to Norvaluna, some planet where he is supposed to find the blade for his sword.  But their ship is shot down and Dagg is captured.  Orin is thrown from the ship and rescued by the same chick who he outbid on Silica for.  She nurses him back to help and upon hearing his story, tells him that she can help because her dad is the Governor.  How convenient.  Oviana (the chick) looks up Orin's hilt on the internet and it says that a bunch of old dudes called the Ka-khan used it in the past to kill badguys, and in particular this one bad super computer called the Nexus.  So she and her robot protector fly Orin back to Trinia to confront some general who will help them.  That general is Zygon, who turns out to be Nexus.  He wants to eradicate humans once and for all, and explains that his mission began years in the past on some small planet (Earth) when the first computer beat a human at chess.  And now he will beat us all for the last time.

Orin is captured, Oviana tells him she loves him, Zygon take her on his ship as a hostage and begins the last attack on the rest of the humans left (except for the ones in the mines).  The starfly brings Orin his hilt, he escapes the jail and gets Dagg out and they gain control of the ship, and Silica fixes the Starchaser, so now they have 2 ships flying around trying to beat the bad guys.  And so it goes.  No need to spoil things for you, I do believe that they have put this out on DVD finally after many many many years being out of print on VHS.  Seek it out and enjoy.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Lifeforce (1985)

"She's resisting. I'm going to have to force her to tell me. Despite appearances, this women is a masochist. An extreme masochist. She wants me to force the name out of her. She wants me to hurt her. I can see the images in her mind. You want to stay? Otherwise wait outside!" - Carlsen

"I mean, in a sense we're all vampires. We drain energy from other life forms. The difference is one of degree. That girl was no girl. She's totally alien to this planet and our life form... and totally dangerous." - Dr. Hans Fallada

"The web of destiny carries your blood and soul back to the genesis of my lifeform." - Space Girl

THIS is how you make a sci fi movie!  Tobe Hooper had it all figured out.  From the director who brought you POLTERGEIST and THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, comes the movie version of the novel THE SPACE VAMPIRES (which would have been a more acurate and awesome name for this movie AND may have made more people want to see it).  Kind of like a cross between RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, ALIEN, THE BLACK HOLE, and PREDATOR 2 with just a dash of some English Dracula movie, this one has it all:  Space mission gone wrong, Haley's Comet, space coffins, space vampires, a space vampire chick with space boobs. exploding vampire corpses, helicopters, panic in the streets, quarantine, psychic energy transfer, and martial fucking law!!!  A bunch of classic UK and US actors including Patrick Stewart star in LIFEFORCE!!!



So, a team of Russian, English and American space explorers are studying Haley's Comet.  Hidden in the shadow of the comet they find a 150 mile long alien spacecraft and decide that it would be a great idea to board it.  Quickly surrounded by what seem to be thousands of huge dead space bats, the ship seems to come to life.  Instead of splitting like a space bat out of hell, they decide to go deeper as if something was calling to them.  In the middle of the ship they find 3 naked humans suspended in clear caskets.  One is a super hot chick and the main dude is like, we're taking them back to Earth.

Flash forward and a rescue space shuttle is sent to see why the "Churchill" is returning off course.  Turns out everything inside has been burned to bits except for the coffins with the alien humans.  They are immediately taken to some research facility in London and put in the care of some scientists to study.  Late that night one of the guards gets his "lifeforce" sucked out by the chick who wakes up when she is touched.  The one scientist dude determines that they may be the ancestors of the other vampires that were on the earth in primitive times, only they suck energy from their victims instead of blood.

So the chick one escapes naked into the London night and then they find out that the main dude from the Churchill jettisoned his escape pod at a certain point and its just landed in Texas.  There's this one dude from the UK version of the FBI investigating this whole deal and him and they rush the Colonel over fast to do some 'splainin'.  They find out that this dude has a psychic connection to the chick vampire and that she is also a shape shifter and gets inside the head of this s&m chick.


They find out that if the vampires and those they infect don't get their fair share of energy after two hours, then they explode.  Meanwhile the Fed guy and the Colonel track the female vampire through the country to a psych ward ran by Patrick Stewart.  Then they trap the chick in the mind of one of her victims.  Then as they take "the victim" they realize she's gone out of the body and mind, and was tricking them all along and has been spreading the vampires basically all over the UK.  The city is now in total and udder chaos and martial law has been enacted.  The turmoil is raging and even the Prime Minister has been infected.  So the chick one is hiding and the other 2 are sucking up energy and giving it to her and she is transferring that energy back to their ship which is now parked over London.

Since the Colonel and the female vampire have some kind of connection, the Fed sends him to find her and they begin to transfer the energy upwards while having wild space sex.  The Fed guy hunts them down during complete living dead style anarchy.  Its brilliant and if you haven't figured it out by now, yes you should totally see this.