bad/awesome flixxx review: Rockers (1978)

Nothing at all "bad" about this film/pseudo-documentary. Only awesome... Set in Kingston, Jamaica in 1978, ROCKERS follows Leroy "Horsemouth" Johnson (the drummer for Burning Spear) around while he's hustling "like rain drops".



A near perfect flick, ROCKERS began as a documentary of the booming reggae/dub scene in Jamaica in the late 70s. The film features many dudes from the period many call the "peak" of that scene including Burning Spear, Gregory Isaacs, and one of my favorites Big Youth. The cinematography is simultaneously beautiful and unique and the subtlety in which some of the scenes are shot is genius. Looking it up, apparently this dude Ted Bafaloukos didn't make anymore movies. That's a shame. Story follows Horsemouth (a session drummer) while he's trying to borrow enough money from buddies and his old lady to buy himself a motorcycle. He figures he can make some bread if can sell 45s for the record company. But first he needs wheels. And then after he gets the wheels, first and foremost, he must get the Lion of Judah painted on the side. Then "Iman" goes to the record company to convince the man to give him 200 records to sell. When he gets them, he goes around selling 45s to the shops in Kingston. Then he goes to a party, and his bike gets stolen! Then he's bummed. Basically the plot moves from "the Bicycle Thief" to "Robin Hood". One of the best scenes is when he's bummed out and he goes to his buddies house to tell him someone "thiefed" his bike. His buddy says, "I and I will go out, fuck it." and they go down to the river and sit on the bank and light up 2 joints, and then his buddy sings him a song. Its so KILLER! Highly recommended for a laid back stoney night. Here's a bonus clip from the movie. Its a scene where Kiddus I is in the studio recording vocal tracks. His voice is so powerful. cheer up cheer up cheer up Rockers!!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Thriller: A Cruel Picture (or "They Call Her One Eye") (1974)

Alahoyus everyone. Today, I tackled a monster of a horrible flick. Horrible because it was horrible, and horrible because what happens to the chick in the movie is pretty heinous to boot. The first movie ever banned in Sweden, Broskeeto's and a's, I give you THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE. (the trailer is for the dubbed for English version renamed THEY CALL HER ONE EYE.)



I had heard about this flick for quite some time after the release of KILL BILL, b/c it was supposedly a big influence on Tarantino's double feature. THRILLER just so happens to be the nastiest femme fatale rape and revenge flick I've ever seen. Its so rough, that when they dubbed it in in English, they took most of the penetration scenes out and renamed it. The story goes that there's this little girl, and she's running up to this old dude in the park... He picks her up, swings her around in the air in slow motion, and then blood starts coming out of his mouth. Then they arrest him. Simple as that. You don't even know what happened until the next scene, fast forward 15 years, and she's selling milk on her parents farm to gossiping old ladies who say, "isnt it a shame how she was raped 15 years ago. and also isn't it horrible that now she's mute." Yeah its that bad. So she actually has no dialogue throughout the whole movie. Her old man goes, "why don't you catch the bus and take the weekend off". She misses the bus and is picked up by the slick dude who takes her out for drinks. Then he takes her home and drugs her. Then she wakes up 3 days later, tries to run away, he knocks her out and drugs her again. When she wakes up again, its been over a week, and he tells her she's hooked on heroin and he'll give her 2 hits a day to survive as long as she does what she's told. She tries to split again. Then she's too weak to get away, the cycle begins again. When she wakes up for her first "assignment", she's to pork this old dude, but she scratches his face all up. Then the pimp dude comes in and cuts out her eye. So she complies. She meets the other chick, who's been there a while... Then she starts saving her bread, and takes karate lessons, driving lessons, shooting lessons, and hand to hand combat from some army dudes. (No word on how or why she's being let split from her fuck cave). Then one day the pimp dude says the other chick left for Beirut, but One Eye goes to the chicks room and the bed's covered in blood. Then more training, then more sex. Then more training, then more sex. Then over weeks, and weeks and montage after montage of dirty, D grade porn penetration shots and her getting beaten up by johns (and a "jane") intermitten with her training to kill all these dudes, she buys a car and a bunch of skag to last her, and then goes about her business of killing. I won't ruin that skree, but hear me out, there are some pretty weird scenes that come up. The choice of slow motion for all the killing is very strange. I reminds me a bit of peckinpah, but they go on for SOOOO long... there's seriously a 6 or 7 minute slow motion scene of an ass kicking she gives some cops just so she can steal their cop car. The blood spurting out of the mouths kind of reminds me of the slo-mo shots that guy ritchie used in SNATCH. Was it worth it? Yeah, I always like to see the really bad guys fucking die horrible deaths, but the end is kinda weak, and left me with a few questions. Really, if I had it to do over again, I wouldve watched the dubbed version and not had to see the gratuitous stuff... not that i don't enjoy dirty things... but this was some really awfully shot love making. stay classy.

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Mechanic (1972)

alahoyus brollums y broskeetas. here before you lies an amazing gem of a movie. I was trying to remember when and where I first encountered this tale the other day when watching it for the first time in many years with Sadat Thorr. Today, I give you Charles Bronson and Jan Micheal Vincent in "The Mechanic". (Don't be confused by the trailer, when it was rereleased overseas, it was retitled "Killer of Killers".)



The Mechanic was the first collaboration between director Micheal Winner and good ol Chuck Bronson. They went on to create the classic vigilante series "Death Wish". This flick however was a bit more stylish, albeit a bit typical in the "hired killer" genre. I personally dig this one better than Death Wish and its sequels. Bronson plays Arthur Bishop, a hired killer who is starting to feel over the hill after he suffers an anxiety attack that makes him faint at an aquarium after some little kids are clanging pipes against a railing. Bishop's father got him into the business, and when he is forced to put a hit against his father's old business partner, he inadvertently strikes up a friendship with the hit's son (Jan Micheal Vincent). Vincent is curious about Bishop and tags along with him, chiding him and trying to figure out what Bishop's "action" is. Bishop brings him along for a couple days until he trusts him and then eventually lets him in on the secret, thinking he could use some help after his accident. But his bosses don't dig it, and then the flick gets good. Let's see, we have some elaborate kills with meticulous planning, a badass motorcycle chase, a speed boat chase, airplane loopdy loop tricks, an Italian mountain car chase, lots of falling off cliffs, scuba diving, shotguns, pistols, sniper rifles, automatic weapons, tons of explosions, kung fu, teenage suicide, and tons more. I can't recommend this enough. Definitely a fun flick if you dig bounty hunter movies. more coming soon!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Legion (2010)

hello everyone. ive been watching a lot of steve martin, chevy chase, martin short, john candy, and dan akroyd flicks lately, and they are awesome, and i guess in some ways, they can be bad... but they aren't the type of flicks that i would review on here, just because they are too awesome. these flicks are awesome in a different way. So for my bday a few weeks back, an old friend took me out to see a movie that NO ONE else wanted to see, that somehow i KNEW was going to be perfect. i wasn't disappointed. LEGION.



Talk about a confusing plot. Im going to start this off by letting everyone know that in the past, Ive let some spoilers slip in hopes that people WOULD actually track down some of these movies so that they are worth talking about. Ive never really reviewed a new movie, and I don't wanna ruin it for anyone, so I will not let anything slip here. But, there's plenty to talk about. How about the fact that one of the main characters is the little kid from SLINGBLADE all growns up!! It took me all of 10 minutes to place that thick drawl, and then I spent the rest of the movie trying to figure out if it had really been long enough for that little kid to be this old looking. He really sprouted! Or else, he was old already in slingblade. who cares. Another thing I dig is Apocalypse flicks, and that's the whole deal with this one. Randy Quaid owns a diner and some people get stuck out in it during the end of times. God is over it, and he sends Micheal (one of his main angels) to eradicate the human race. But Micheals like, waitaminnit... this is bullshit God. So he chops his fucking wings off, breaks into some warehouse with hundreds of machine guns, fills an LAPD squad car with them, and then hits the road to the desert. Anyway, skipping forward, let's just say Gabriel doesn't like Micheals attitude, and we have a setup for a fucking hectic sequel. Cussing Grannies, black clouds, confusing plots... this one is definitely shitty and awesome rolled into one. highly recommended especially if you can check it at a 1.50 screening. word.

Valient Thorr Tour w/ Mastodon, BTBAM, & Baroness!!

Alahoyus to all! just posted a shitload of new dates for the VOLCOM TOUR 2010 featuring MASTODON, BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME, BARONESS, and yes, your favorite Venusians, VALIENT THORR. We are super psyched to do this tour with all these great bands, especially in TONS of cities that we've never even played in. Touring 250+ shows a year for 6 years, and you'd think that we've hit every spot, but there are ALWAYS more spots. And a few of these spots we've only been to a few times, so this is a special treat for us. Another cool thing is its close enough to some of our regular stomping grounds that tried and true THORRIORS can hop in a rig and haul ass for a little road trip action. We'll be playing cuts from our new album that will be finished (not released, but finished) by the time we hit the road. Can't wait to see you all out there! Help us spread the word! Add us on facebook and twitter to keep up with updates straight from my earth communicator device.!!

http://www.facebook.com/valientthorr
http://www.twitter.com/valientthorr

more very soon!
valient himself

Apr. 16 - Charleston, SC - Music Farm
Apr. 17 - Raleigh, NC - Lincoln Theater
Apr. 18 - Richmond, VA - The National
Apr. 20 - Baltimore, MD - Rams Head
Apr. 21 - Sayreville, NJ - Starland Ballroom
Apr. 22 - Hartford, CT - Webster
Apr. 23 - Worcester, MA - Palladium
Apr. 24 - Burlington, VT - Higher Ground
Apr. 26 - Pittsburgh, PA - Palace Theater
Apr. 27 - Rochester, NY - Water Street
Apr. 29 - Grand Rapids, MI - Orbit Room
Apr. 30 - Indianapolis, IN - Vogue
May 01 - Columbia, MO - Blue Note -
May 03 - Albuquerque, NM Sunshine Theater
May 04 - Tucson, AZ - Rialto
May 05 - San Diego, CA - House Of Blues
May 07 - Pomona, CA - Fox
May 08 - Oakland, CA - [to be announced]
May 09 - Reno, NV - Knitting Factory
May 10 - Eugene, OR - McDonald Theater
May 11 - Spokane, WA - Knitting Factory
May 13 - Billings, MT - The Shrine
May 14 - Fargo, ND - The Venue
May 15 - Omaha, NE - Sokol Hall
May 16 - Lawrence, KS - Liberty Hall
May 18 - Madison, WI - Orpheum
May 19 - Urbana, IL - Canopy Club
May 20 - Memphis, TN - Minglewood
May 21 - Knoxville, TN - Valarium
May 22 - Lexington, KY - Busters

Tickets go on sale on Friday, February 12

chuck bronson

this ones for the true believer.

golden fox, red coyote, blue raccoon process #2

golden fox, red coyote, blue raccoon process

wilmington- strictly 4 muh rekkids

get it?

A Real Crusher

seriously... really wanted to come up with a crusher... all i could get out was, "nadda finga!"

bad/awesome flixxx review: Maniac (1980)

alahoyus once again yall and yinzers. Im back with another dose of pure heinous that seems to go down so sweet. Today's nugget of brilliance, the 1980 slasher Maniac.



This turned out to be a great flick to watch @ night, under the covers. Now, that's not saying its a great flick. Maniac is the story of the big slob schizoid serial killer named Frank Zito. The film starts out with him breathing heavily and spying on this couple on the beach. After the chick nags her dude to go get some wood for the fire, Zito leaps in, stabs the shit outta her, and then strangles the dude until blood is dripping from his sneaks. This is a pretty graphic flick by the way. Then we have ol Frank frightened awake by god knows what, into a room full of candles lit around a pic of some chick. In the bed next to him is what appears to be a bloody mannequin. Frank looks at some cigarette burns on his chest, dresses and then goes out on the prowl. First he lets a hooker lure him into a scummy hotel, then he eventually strangles her while having hallucinations that she is some other chick that he has presumably strangled. Then he has a minor freakout, and then he scalps the whore. then cut to a scene where he is carrying something to his apartment. In his apartment, he starts to unwrap, yep another mannequin, while talking to himself with inner and outer monologue about how she or he shouldnt go out, but they will, and theyll keep doing bad, and no ones gonna catch them, and more heavy breathing, and more crazy talk. All the while he's dressing the mannequin in the whores clothes and then for the icing on the cake, he puts the scalp on the mannequin, then goes out for more. Ok, so then, best scene of the movie, he goes to a disco, still yammering on about fancy women and richers and how theyll all get theirs, hangs out outside, spots a couple, and then follows them. Then the couple drives to like the verrazano bridge, and the dude turns out to be the motorcycle guy from dawn of the dead! he was in some other shit too- um, from dusk til dawn, and creepshow. whatever, anyway, he tells the chick to get in the backseat, then theyre making out, and ol frank creeps up and shes sees him, freaks out. she says lets split, and then they get in the frontseat, then {best scene in the movie} ol frank jumps on the hood of the car, points the gun at the dudes head- pulls the trigger and BAM!! a slow motion head explosion that makes the one in Scanners look like crap! I said "FUCKIN SHIT!!" outloud when i saw it. Heavy rad stuff. after that, as always, im reluctant to give away the ending unless its just truly not worth watching. theres a couple more good murders and lots more heavy breathing and freakouts from ol frank. A couple hot babes too. Would i look hard for it? Hell no. Would i get stoned and watch it w/ some dudes or a babe again? total.
more soon. yours, valient.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Thunderbolt and Lightfoot (1974)

alahoyus hombres! and fancy ladies! I dug this old vhs out of my collection last night. What a rad old movie! Clint Eastwood, Jeff Bridges, George Kennedy, and some guy who looks like one of the dudes from Simon and Simon in: THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTFOOT



I wish all flicks were this good. Great actors, pretty great little story, filmed well. Everyone knows George Kennedy from COOL HAND LUKE, but he did a couple great films with Clint including one of my favs THE EIGER SANCTION. This flick starts off in a church where apparently Clint is preacher, then about a minute into it, some thug comes in to blow him away. He splits out the back and hauls ass. Meanwhile, a young jeff bridges steals a badass camaro (i think) from a dealership, speeds off. then he almost kills clint. clint jumps in, knocks his arm outta socket on accident. they hit it off. They switch cars, get some whores, then keep running from these 2 dudes who are trying to kill them. Turns out, clint used to be a bank robber, and the dudes chasing are his old partners, who thinks he shit them. Clint hid the bread in an old school house. They go to get it, but the school house is gone. Chase ensues where the thugs catch up with them. Clint beats the piss outta them. Then he explains. Theyre all broke and don't know what to do. The big heist they did in the first place was the Montana Armory. So the kid (bridges) suggests they do the same thing again. He and Kennedy don't get along at all. But they decide its a good plan and go into town and get jobs. Then they somehow buy a fucking anti tank machine gun (??!!?) and Clint puts together this elaborate plan to break into the place. I won't ruin the rest of it. There's a couple twists in there, a great chase, and a hectic ending. Highly recommended. You can probably find this and many of these flicks i review for cheap on ebay. If you still have a vcr. Or whatever. Many more coming soon. Ive been lazy as shit over the holidays and i watched a bunch of flicks. Excelsior!

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Octagon (1980)

Merry After Xmas folks... I finally got around to watching this, and it took me 2 sittings to stomach and force myself through it. Chuck Norris, and Lee Van Cleef in: The Octagon.



ok. i bought this @ a Flying J truckstop for 2.99. Somewhere in the middle of the country... i have no idea where, b/c all of those Flying J's, T&A's, Pilots, etc. look the same. But this one had a brand new shipment of these dvd's in the flatcards. Hundreds of them, and hardly any were the same. I only stood there for a second, and most of them looked like shit, but this one's cover stood out. How tuff does that look, right?? WRONG!!
For all intents and purposes, i think this movie is supposed to be about a training camp for terrorists run by a bunch of ninjas (who aren't supposed to exist anymore) and simultaneously led by Chuck's estranged half-brother. Ok. well, it starts off good enough, with a mansion and a car pulling out, and 2 chicks with a runaway baby carriage, when the driver jumps out to see if the baby is hurt, the chicks pull out machine guns and fucking slaughter the driver and the dude who he was driving. And they used a shit load of blood packets, so you'd think these dudes were important too, but nope, they hardly mention them again except that they were victims of a terror attack. So, next scene, we're @ some banquet for some chick, and there's our hero, and his buddy, no explanation why they are there. Norris wants the chick, at the afterparty, he says 2 words to her, then BANG! she's off for drinks with him. Ok, so only later to you get some kind of idea that there's a karate convention in town, no idea why this chick was singing at it, AND you never see any of the karate matches. I still have no idea if im right about that. They vaguely mention it, b/c everyone is hounding Chuck about not fighting b/c he "accidently" hurt someone years ago. Anyway, i forgot to mention that Chuck is a schizofrenic in this one too. Every five minutes he keeps hearing voices with an annoying double layered Echoplex that is like him arguing with himself & explaining (poorly) whether he should fight or not. So back to the "story". That chick is killed in 5 minutes (by ninja). A huge gang of rednecks are trucked out into the desert to train in the ninja style. One badass ninja keeps beating the shit out of the rednecks to "teach" them. Lee Van Cleef tries to convince Chuck to avenge the chicks death. He says no. Some old chick breaks down, and Chuck tries to help her. Then she splits leaving him stranded. He has her card so he shows up at her house. He smells a rat. He calls her bluff. She wants the ninjas killed but she's shady. The buddy falls for her, and is jealous of Chuck. He thinks Chuck is a pussy and goes after the ninja himself. Chuck tries to infiltrate the ninja school. They know who he is. He whoops some ass. A 3rd love interest redneck chick defects from the Ninja (somehow). She tells chuck she wants to help him. She takes her shirt off. He bangs her. Ninjas break in. Its taking him WAAAAY to long to "convince himself in his head that he can believe himself" that his brother Sekurya is training terrorists. Then the old chick is murdered. Then FINALLY, chuck and the 3rd chick fly to japan or wherever, and chuck goes to avenge all the chicks deaths, find his buddy and stop his brother. The last 15 minutes of the movie are all you need to watch. As a matter of fact, 99% of the trailer comes from the last 5 minutes of the flick! Then you finally get to see some explosions and whatever. It really wasnt worth it. You'll never get your time back from this one, but in its defense, i did watch this completely sober. Im sure it may have been a bit better stoned. maybe. have a great new year yall!

bad/awesome flixxx review: William Sanderson edition (Fight For Your Life & Blade Runner)

welcome welcome. its been a while. you can easily tell the months that we are on tour by checking how many posts i put on the ol vloggg. oct/nov had one apiece. that means im busy as shit. otherwise, im just lounging around watching bad movies and painting or writing. anyway, welcome back to me. i just unintentionally watched a couple movies with ol William Sanderson in them. You may remember him from Newhart. He was Larry w/ his brother Darryl, and his other brother Darryl. Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. Remember them? he was the one who spoke. Anyway, a while ago i heard about this movie someone said i "HAD" to watch for the vloggg. I downloaded it. Yeah, i downloaded it, what of it? you'll never find the goddamn thing any other way. While we were driving thru the alps last month, i watched it. Terrible, awful, horrible racist language, yet an intruiging story that probably would NEVER be made today.

it starts out w/ a truck full of inmates getting run off the road, then the 3 of them bashing a flatfoot over his gordon when he goes to check on them. they then snake his pistol and escape to the suburbs with dreams of skipping the country to canada then flying to paris? anyway, typical plot really, i guess what makes this one so brutal is not only sandersons dialogue delivery but maybe just the fact that this is so classic grindhouse that it almost seems to good to be true. Sanderson plays the main baddy Jesse Kane, and he's a sadistic care-less motherfucker. they knock over a liquor store and this cute little black girl is buying wine for a dinner party her family is having. they kidnap her and go back to her place, and there's where the film takes its name. The family is a pacifist preacher Ted Turner's family. Theres a brief unexplained scene where apparently they are inviting the white girlfriend of their dead vet son over for this dinner. the unnecessary cut scene shows this dude making out hard with this white girl in front of a fireplace with very quick shots of their car careening around a very curvy road. its ridiculous, and i guess youre supposed to get that the mother hates this chick and blames her for their sons death in this car accident. but i digress. The preacher dad is a stick in the mud, and wont stand up to these bad dudes, kane, a chinese guy, and a spanish guy. they basically hold the family hostage, call them every racist thing they can think of, and then rape the daughter. the young sons friend almost gets to tell the cops, but gets caught and gets his face bashed in in the woods. Also, the white chick gets raped and thrown over a waterfall. well, finally Preacher "Turd Turnip" gets some balls and they get the best of Kane. He gets his neck shot off in the end. Literally. Hard to watch if you don't like racist language, and seeing little kids get smashed in the face with bricks, but pretty good if you like video nasties.



Now, remember that list of movies i was talking about last time? the one where everyone has a list of flicks that everyone has seen but you? well, i just tackled another on my list. Now, in my defense, ive tried many times to watch this one, only to pass out or just lose interest after a few moments. ive recently come to find out that many people LOVE this movie, and many consider it a piece of shit. AND that is why there are no less than 5 versions of the same movie out there. I chose to watch the very first OG version... simply because it was supposedly the closest to the book, which i just read, which made me want to finally sit down and see this fucker.
"Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" by Philip K. Dick was made into BLADERUNNER by Ridley Scott.

The reason i chose to watch the OG version was b/c everyone said this is the one that had Dekkard's narration or inner monologue. Supposedly it was cut from the newer versions. And those are all you can find on DVD. Maybe there is one of the og ones out there, but i found it on vhs for a dollar, so whatever. The Sanderson connection is that he plays JF Sebastian, instead of the counterpart in the book JR Isadore. God knows WHY he would change such a very simple name like that. The character was a bit different, but not SO much. Apparently i should watch the directors cut and the final cut too now, b/c they have different endings. hmmm. well, anyway, i guess when i was younger i wanted my sci-fi to have space battles and shit like that, and now i realize that most of these sci-fi dudes were storytellers telling grim tales of a future that COULD very well come true, because they are about ideologies rather than cowboy shootemups... i guess i can appreciate this better. I highly recommend the book, there is a whole lot more to the book, i mean they couldnt very well put a few of the parts in the flick and make it make sense, but it is pretty good... and I wanna thank Beeby for getting me into it via graphic novel, and Jason for purchasing a copy of the novel for me. Anyone not familiar with the story, here the movie version: Retired cop Dekkard was the best at retiring androids who've escaped from being slaves on mars and come back to earth where they are illegal. There are 4 he has to kill... his old boss (M. EMMETT WALSH!!) cons him into coming back to retire this latest crop- the NEXUS 6. a highly advanced model, they give him the business. and so it goes from there. i won't ruin it for ya. just try to make it through it. took me fucking years.... but i will say, i was finally worth it. MURRY XMASS EVERYBODY!!! more coming soon!

Been a while...

yosoholius. ive been on tourrr. So sorry for the slackness... lot's of bad flixxx, tourrr pixxx, and other timewasting shit coming up... can you handle a bit more of a wait??

bad/awesome flixxx review: IT (1990) & Roadhouse (1989)

ok, so everybody's got a list of movies that they've never seen, but supposedly "everyone"'s seen.  When you say you've never seen said flick, everyone is immediately taken aback.  "You've never seen the Lost Boys??" or "C'mon, you've never seen Animal House?"  The usual response is, well, i've seen half of it, or not all the way through, or better yet, it's been a loooong time.  Well, I've got a list like that, and i'm tackling it head on.  No bullshit excuses here, until this weekend, I had never seen "IT" or "Roadhouse" all the way through.  So I headed to VisArt, and the results are exactly why i do this section... one was bad, and one was awesome:

So, first off, I watched IT. i had tried unsuccessfully to watch this "made for tv" miniseries several times now.  Including my last ill fated attempt a few weeks back.  The last time i tried, I even unknowingly started the dvd on side 2, watching about an hour into part 2 and wondering what the fuck everyone was talking about.  I wondered why the goddamn thing didnt have any credits or anything.  It didnt make any sense.  I mean who was this white haired asshole in the looney bin, where'd he come into play??  So this time, I rented the vhs and me and the Nitewolf sat down to business.  Basically, i have only a few problems with this flick.  Its like the director couldn't decide who he wanted to be the narrator.  I think there's the main narrator, and then the "losers" each narrate their own first encounter w/ Pennywise.  But i'm getting ahead of myself.  This flicks starts off w/ a child murder.  Then this black dude, a librarian named Mike Hanlin finds a pic on the ground.  So he flips out and calls all his nerd buddies from 30 years ago.  Apparently they made a promise to each other to come back to their podunk town, Derry, Maine, if this monster child killer ever came around again.  

So then it goes around all over the country and england to where his friends have migrated.  First you get John Boy from the Waltons w/ an amazing ponytail who's a horror writer in england writing a screenplay w/ his wife.  Then you get fuckin John Ritter whos a big shit architect in nyc (who used to be fat).  Then you have Harry Anderson from Night Court who's like a David Letterman type nightshow host.  Then you get the token chick, the asthma nerd, and the boy scout.  They all freak out when he calls them.  The boy scout even slashes his wrists in the tub, so he never makes it back (well except for his head is in a refrigerator at one point).  Part one is the flashback movie.  It shows what happened when they were kids.  You have seth green as harry anderson, he's attacked by a werewolf, and then the kid from the chuck norris flick "sidekicks" and the terrible "neverending story 2" as the young version of main stuttering nerd john boy walton.  He started stuttering after his little brother was ripped in half by a evil clown named Pennywise in a drainage ditch.  That's who's pic mike hanlin found.  So stuttering nerd gets asthma nerd, and fat nerd, and girl nerd to build a dam w/ him down under the bridge.  Then they start hangin w/ funny nerd and scout nerd.  One day theyre hangin out and the new black kid nerd is getting chased by the same greaser bullies who beat the hell out of all of them.  So they throw rocks at the greasers and the greasers threaten them with death.  Then they confess all kinds of heavy shit to each other.  They become "tight".  In all honesty, with so much going on in here, its no wonder its all over the place.  The girl nerd has an abusive father, the fat nerd is poor, and gets treated like shit by his relatives, the asthma nerds mom has an oedipus complex.  It gets heavy.  Then this mike guy lets them all in on this 30 year curse on the town, then shows a photo album that comes to life, and they all freak.  So fast forward, they go in the sewers to try and kill it.  The greasers follow after them, and IT eats 2 of them and cripples the main one w/ madness and dyes his hair white.  Then the asthma nerd sprays acid out of his inhaler on IT's face and the chick slingshots it in the head w/ some Silver broaches.  Then IT does a backflip into a deeper part of the sewer drain? i guess.  then they go on with their lives promising to come back. ok. Part 2: So mikes called them, they all come back (except the boy scout) then they all start seeing shit, but they keep going "what happened?"  "i can't remember any of it." "mike remind us." "hey man, why did we come back here again?"  over and over and over.  Why do you think you came back?  goddamn, the fog in their brains mustve been thick...  Each character keeps seeing blood everywhere, but can't seem to remember a goddamn thing.  Then one by one, they go, "oh yeah, i just had a flashback."  and then they go eat at a chinese restaurant, and theyre all freaking out, fainting, screaming, and crying, and no one seems to worry or ask whats the matter, till they open the fortune cookies... but by then, they'd been screaming bloody murder for at least 15 minutes.  im not buying it.  ok, so after a bunch of lame shit from harry anderson, some more lame stuttering  & terrible acting from john boy, finally john ritter tries to prove he wasn't gay and starts smooching the chick.  but pennywise is up to his old tricks.  finally after what seems like 4 hours, they decide to go kill it again.  They go in the sewer, and find John Boys wife, and It turns out to live down there in a little door, and he's not really a clown, he's a giant fucking spider w/ man arms and hands.  So IT kills the nerd, and then the chick shoots it in the "deadlights".  And it runs away, but the losers have a bloodlust, so they chase it down, and start beating the shit out of it, and eventually John Boy rips its fucking heart out.  I half expected him to eat it.  the end?  No, then after the librarian mike gives us the update on everyone, he says that even though its only been a couple days, he and john boy have to remind each other their names?? and then john boys wife is in a trance, but instead of leaving, he grabs his old bike, and hauls ass down this hill and somehow she magically jolts out of her trance. the end. please. 3 on a scale of 10 that goes -10 to 10. heinous, but points for so many familiar faces.  then again, even if it had the greatest actors in the world in it, it could still be a piece of shit.



ok. part 2 of my weekend.  it got a whole lot better!!

I can't believe it took me this many years, and the deaths of two prominent cast members to actually see this flick.  Often hailed by many of my buddies as the best movie ever, and many critics as the worst movie ever (are they crazy?) i am ashamed to say it took me this long to see this flick.  Powerhouse movies somehow pack it all in, and w/ no stretch of the imagination, this ones got it all:  Monster trucks plowing thru car lots, blind man fronted bar band covering a ton of jams, at least ten knife fights, throat getting ripped out, dirty strip teases, ben gazzara crooning whilst running people off the road driving, FUCKING TERRY FUNK as a bouncer/muscle dude, John Doe from X as a greasy bartender, a young looking Sam Elliott being as badass as Ive ever seen him, a country loft for $100 a month, a knife boot, exploding auto supply store, swayze gettin cut at least 3 times, naked KELLY LYNCH (whos still hot btw), exploding BMW carflip, death by 6 shotguns, death by knife to the gullet, dancing in a diner, poolcue fight, lots of t&a, and about 25-30 good ass kicking scenes, including a least 5 full on bar romps.

With all that shit crammed in there, why the hell should i spend any more time typing out a plot??  Without a doubt, this one is a full on recommended purchase. 18 outta 20. and im toning it down, trying to think of how this couldve been "cooler".  get it?

RIP Patrick Swayze, and RIP Jeff Healy.

LO-FI CONSPIRACY (1997-2000)

waaay back in 1997, in Greenville, NC there was a building on the corner of 5th street. This building was Backdoor Sk8park.  A bunch of the dudes from art school had bands, and Backdoor provided us w/ a place to play with touring bands from around the world while local dudes skated, other area bands would play and get drunk and it was pretty much anything goes.  Nitewolf was starting up a band at the time w/ some dudes and they asked me to sing.  Our first show was actually @ the Corner w/ the Spazms, and Bilirubin.  Our second show was at Backdoor w/ the Mommyheds.  Over the course of our run, we played w/ some killer bands, that mostly don't exist anymore, some of which were: the Spazms, Creeping Phlox, the Mommyheds, Bilirubin, Kill the Hippies, NEMO, Blatt Box, the Soccer Moms, F13, King Monkey, Twin Turbo, Justin Little, Exercises in Breathing, Mollycuddle, Read Palms, the Kickass, the Ladderback, Reason of Insanity, DS13, Municipal Waste (super early on), Hank Earl Carr, Bread & Water, Otophobia, Diskonto, the First Step, JRS, Wheelbite, Pretty Little Flower, Berzerk, Crash Smash Explode, Legend of the Overfiend, Party of Helicopters, the Convocation Of..., If It Doesn't Kill You, Question Rig, Prelude to Damnation, Crimescene 13, Wesley Willis, and a ton more i can't seem to think of right now.  Ill post more as they come to me.

Anyway, the other night, I found this little video that either me or our buddy Biggs put together for like an old geocities site in like 1999.  Its got some RARE footage of the Robot Condor, and 3 songs from our only released album.  "Intro", "LOFI", and "Genitalia".  there is a TON more footage that i have on VHS buried somewhere that makes this look even more like shit than it already does... but  I'm pretty sure there are people who will appreciate this.  LO-FI Conspiracy created some stepping stones for us to be where we are today, and when I watch this over ten year old footage, it kind of blows me away how time flies.  LO-FI was: Herbie Abernethy- vocals, Tyler Wolf- bass, Brendan O'Donnell- drums, and DJ Griffin- guitar.  Enjoy, and post thoughts and old pics below if you have any! thanx.

***update: thought of a couple more bands! secret life of machines, and sullenspire. probably more to come.  i should also mention that the whole scene, Peasants, The Percolator, the Attic, the Corner, the "blue room" and all the house parties made the whole vibe for those days something to remember.  thanx for all the feedback!***

Lo-Fi Conspiracy (1997-2000) from valient himself on Vimeo.

bad/awesome flixxx review: John Carpenter's: They Live (1988)

alahoyus once again there bad and awesome movie lovers.  This here is a classic by none other than John "big trouble" Carpenter himself.  THEY LIVE starring "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.  I cant really think of a flick by him that i don't cherish in some weird way or another... be it Big Trouble in Little China, Prince of Darkness, The Thing, ... wait a minute! what am i talking about! i forgot about Vampires!  that movie SUCKED!  you know what though?  That one is not JC's fault.  Now, if he had Kurt Russell in there instead of fucking James Woods, then maybe Vampires wouldn't have been so heinous.  but I digress: 

this gem starts out w/ Rowdy Roddy walking into LA from somewhere like Barstow... outta nowhere, a drifter, possibly a veteran a la John Rambo complete w/ sleeping bag & rucksack in tow.  you get the sense that he feels outta place and he keeps checking out everyone unquestioningly following leaders and talking heads on tv.  Then he gets a job doing construction, and the foreman tells him to beat it, he can't sleep there.  So the one dude from The Thing is there, and he's like, well, ill take you to a lil bum shanty town over in west hollywood.  And again, even the bums have power so that they can watch tv out in this junkyard.  There's this church across the street and every time a tv is on, some dude is pullin a "Pump up the Volume" on the masses.  Once when it goes down, Roddy sees this preacher fucking channeling the message, and then the dude in charge grabs the street preacher and hauls his ass the church.  Roddy gets suspicious and does some PI work.  Then, the whole shebang is discovered by the feds, and they bulldoze the fucking shantytown and rip the church apart, which is where the broadcasts were made.  fast forward, Roddy finds some glasses and figures out the church knew about this scheme where a bunch of alien assholes w/ skeleton faces are posin as real people, and as a matter of fact, real RICH people.  Then he gets busted, then he fucking kills a bunch of cops.  Then he kidnaps a chick, and then she fucking throws him out a window.  Then he goes back to find more of the shades, and to alert his buddy from the Thing.  That dudes like, get the fuck outta here, i dont want any of yer shit, but then he brings rowdy his paycheck.  Then Rowdy's like, dude put these shades on, and the dudes like, fuck you, and Rowdy's like, i said put the goddamned shades on, and then they fight each other for over 5 minutes, no shit, and then finally he shows the dude whats behind door number 2.  When they look thru the shades they can see that everything is a facade, and that our whole world is just buy buy buy and basically we are all programmed to consume and reproduce.  So then, they get cornered after they go to a meeting of "those in the know".  Theres an awesome scene where the chick he kidnapped is about to say how sorry she was, and how stupid she was and its like a love moment then BAM, the fucking side of the building blows up.  Anyway, they use a teleporter watch to go underground to where the aliens have a landing strip to space, and a banquet set up for the alien loving earth stockholders.  Then they try to blow up the satellite that is beaming them back to space. Roddy's like: "fuck it", and offs himself for the good of mankind.  Only slightly better than his other movie: Hell Comes To Frogtown.

7 out of 10 on a -10 to 10 scale.... that's pretty good, eh?

BEST SITE EVER

http://www.hotchickspickingupdogshit.com

bad/awesome flixxx review: Film Noir Edition: Chinatown & the Big Sleep

hello hello.  ALERT!  Most of the flicks i review in this vloggg consist of guilty pleasures i come across and torture myself trying to get through, or something totally awesome i forgot about. But this little review today consists of my new found love for old detective novels and flicks. First off, I watched Chinatown.  This is Roman Polanski's take on 40s film noir:
I highly recommend this flick, so I'm not gonna blaze thru this one like usual and spoil anything.  But basically you have Jack Nicholson playing a private dick, faye dunaway as the obligatory suspect divorcee/daughter/mistress type chick.  Polanski makes his appearance as muscle for one of the main bad dudes & has possibly the best "OH SHIT!" moment in the movie, when Jacko gets his fucking nose sliced open and spends over half the flick with a bandage on his schnozz.  There's some heavy historical shit going down in this flick as well, thats pretty much on the nose as far as California political battles over "Ol' Mulholland" (as he's referred to in the Frank Black song off his 2nd solo album, Teenager of the Year) bringing much needed water to the los angeles area by means of a giant aquaduct.  Everyone's seen T2 right?  The thing they drive the big trucks thru?  Yeah, that.  John Huston is a creepy old man, and Jerry Goldsmith does the score... You know him from the Planet of the Apes score.  Yes you do.

the 2nd flick that i saw was the main inspiration for the Big Lebowski (one of my favorite flicks).  Its called The Big Sleep (the 1946 version).  Starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.

This is based on the 1939 book by Raymond Chandler that kicked off his series of novels about detective Phillip Marlowe.  Again, i actually recommend seeing this.  At night when its raining would be the perfect setting.  Bogie gets all the babes.  You immediately see ties to Lebowski from the first scene w/ a big old dude in a wheel chair who has some classic dialogue and his youngest daughter played by Martha Vickers.  She looks at Bogie, and you could swear she's gonna say, "i'll suck yer cock for a thousand dollars."  I guess the only reason everyone made so much about Lauren Bacall was that Bogie married her after they did "To Have and Have Not" the previous year.  Otherwise, even Raymond Chandler said that Vickers portrayal of Carmen stole the scenes out from under Bacall.  According to wiki, the producers caught wind of that and cut more than half of this lil knockout's scenes.  Watch the first five minutes with her cooing how Bogie is "cute", and tell me you don't swoon at the knees.  Christ, they just don't make em like that anymore.  And don't get me wrong, I like the coy bad girl that Bacall tries to play too.  I like it when girls try to play tuff.  And she's a great singer.  She makes Faye Dunaway look like a piece of shit.  anyway, all in all, you have a pretty convoluted plot here, but even the Big Lebowski took me a few tries before i "got" it.  And if you can keep up, Bogie does a pretty good job of revealing the scam once he finally figures it out himself.  I just got a copy of "To Have and Have Not" that ill be perusing very soon.  Keep yer eyes peeled flatfoot.

*** PS while i'm at it, i must recommend Thomas Pynchon's new stoner p.i. novel: "Inherent Vice".  It is laugh out loud funny, and reads like a sequel to Lebowski.  loves it.***

bad/awesome flixxx review: Seizure

Get a load of this turd from 1974.  And to whom do we owe the great displeasure that is festering before our eyes?  Well, it could be Jason, since he decided to rent it from Netflixx, but really and truly the blame shall fall squarely on the gourd of Oliver Stone.  Yep, this was his first screenplay and directorial debut.  For some reason, people really dug this at the drive-in's back in the day.  Actually, it was probably a lot better that way... But man, this thing really sucks.  Its about a dude who is a writer, and every summer his wife gets a bunch of creepy friends together for this weekend.  There's this Count and his wife, a rock dude, an old rich guy and his hot wife, some dorky teen dude, and their young son.  Ok, so the writer dude is writing a kids horror story?  and he keeps having dreams about something that makes him really jumpy and sweaty.  Everyone in this movie seems like theyre perpetually on painkillers.  The old rich dude has some classic lines, but other than that there's little build.  Then all of a sudden, the little dude from Fantasy Island (yes, him again) comes crashing in the window and just starts beating the hell out of everyone in the room.  The old chick spreads some goop on her face after talking to her dead husband in a mirror and then turns super old and jumps out the window.  The writer, trying to get out of the room he's locked in, shoots the dork kid in the head.  Then a huge disfigured black russian executioner kills the babysitter.  Then the rock dude gets fucked to death by the hindu queen of evil.  So whoevers left gets told by the 3 visitors that they are fucked, and that they have to try and survive the night, but that only one will be left when the morning comes.  The lil midget says, "Stop gwaveling! you cannot pway to god, because he hates you!  you might as well pway to me, because I hate you too."  Hilarious.  then they make the survivors race around the lake.  They kill the rich guy, the hot babe tries to split, then they make the writer and her have a fuckin knife fight.  She gets her throat cut.  Then the wife of the writer is pissed at the writer cause she says its all his fault.  The count dude (who somehow watches his wife commit suicide, but then has all the info on who these creeps are) goes outside and gets his head chopped off.  The evil queen tries to fuck the writer, he says no, but then his wife teases him, and then she fucks him one last time, then kills herself.  But then her ghost tells the queen that she has to kill the writer, not her son.  So the fucking dude wakes up like its all a dream, then for some reason, he's asleep again, the kid tries to wake him up but he's dead from a heart attack!  PURE HORSESHIT!  AND there wasn't even a fucking seizure in the whole movie!!! what the fuck was that about?  I guess no one wouldve watched it if it was called Midget Monster Snorefest. Minus 2 Thumbs.

My first velvet painting

i just did this for a buddy's velvet painting collection.  lemme tell ya, painting on velvet is a bitch.  And yes, i did listen to a ton of Mercyful Fate and King Diamond when i was painting.

progress of yet another painting: final product

i love Mexican food.

progress of yet another painting

bad/awesome flixxx review: ZARDOZ, & Damnation Alley

first off RIP Jim Carroll & Patrick Swayze & Henry Gibson.  Helluva week.

now, i really have a couple stinkers for ya tonight.  One is TOTALLY AWESOME, and one is fucking garbage.  the first flick that i watched was a film entitled ZARDOZ.  Holy shit. check the trailer:
So, Sean Connery stars in a 1974 future vision by John Boorman.  He's the dude who did Deliverance.  In this flick a giant stone head god named Zardoz comes flying outta the sky to the countryside and screams that "the gun is good and the penis is bad" "go forth and kill"  to a bunch of "Brutals".  These "brutals" are the chosen killers tho, called "exterminators".  then it pukes up a bunch of guns.  Connery stows away in the thing and then blasts this dude who's inside.  The guy's like: "you idiot." Then it crashes and "Zed" (his name in the flick) goes into the nearest town which happens to be the secret town of the Eternals.  Turns out all the rich people got together when one doctor figured out how to make it possible to live forever.  But they left the "brutals" or poor people out in the world to grow them crops.  "zardoz" traded guns for grain.  anyway, these "Eternals" live forever so there's no need to fuck anymore, so theyre all bored as hell, and some of them become "apathetics" or even worse, "renegades".  The chicks who find Zed are fighting cause some want to kill him, some want to learn from him, and some want to fuck him.  So he's got the whole hen house in an uproar.  Weird scenes though, like him licking another dudes hand mess with your mind even more than the constant barrage of psychedelic wardrobe and neat 70s camera tricks.  Anyway, i don't wanna ruin it, but there are so many things about this flick that makes me wonder why i haven't seen it until now. You've got connery w/ an amazing ponytail and basically a diaper running around shooting dudes in the head and raping women, an ultimate paradise setup that tries desperately to get some sort of message across about technology and i don't know, cutting an all knowing diamond up into pieces and implanting them into yr forehead to become a part of the all knowing consciousness or "tabernacle".  There's something to do with "man behind the curtain" and the joy of bringing death to those with infinite life.  You've got it all here folks, boobs, murder, gods, scifi, guns, infinity, a weird jester dude w/ a sharpie painted beard, unbelievably cool future envisioned technology, and about 2 hours worth of crazy camera angles.  See this at all cost.

Now on the opposite end of the spectrum.  A turd that was once believed to have the possibility to outsell Star Wars: Damnation Alley.

1977 flick about survivors of World War III.  ok, so this film has Jan Michael Vincent (Airwolf), George Pepard (The A-Team), & Jackie Earl Haley (Bad News Bears).  And you would think w/ the star power that it would be pretty rad, but basically... nothing happens the whole time.  This clip is about as hectic as it gets.  Jan Michael V & Pepard are the 2 military dudes in the bunker when the shit goes down after the ruskies fire the big one.  Earth is decimated.  So they survive in the bunker.  Then some asshole passes out after beating off to a playboy? (seriously that's a stretch.  i thought people read that for the articles.  Its classy right?)  but he drops a smoke, and blows the whole thing skyhigh.  Luckily like 5 dudes escape, and decide to drive to Buffalo, NY in these Crazy armored tank vehicles.  One gets f'd up in a heinous storm right away.  Then they drive.  Then they fight giant scorpions.  then they drive.  then they find a chick.  then they drive.  then they fight killer cockroaches.  then they drive.  then they find a kid.  then they drive.  then they fight rednecks.  then they drive.  then they get to buffalo.  then everyone is happy.  the end.  WASTE of valuable time wasting.  ok... more soon lovers.

if you are into killer jams

hallo.  Do you sit all day @ a cubicle and are bored as shit with your own itunes?  Or are you already an avid listener/DJ on Blip.fm yourself?  Either way, i am concocting a pretty sweet playlist over @ Blip.fm that is based on my old radio show from college entitled, "Rocknowledgy".  you can check it out here: http://blip.fm/ValientHimself

bad/awesome flixxx review: Deathsport

welcome to another installment of ... well, i guess i never call it the same thing twice... but whatever.  This is me telling you about a terrible/awesome movie i just watched.  Ok, so i have a ton on the backburner and some that i haven't been actually able to sit thru, b/c i either pass out, or just shut it off b/c its so heinous.  But i finally made it thru one tonight.  Its a Roger Corman flick entitled, "Deathsport".  Stars David Carradine as a "Guide" who from what i could gather, shows the "statesmen" how to get from one city- Helix- to the next- Triton.  These "guides" ride on horseback, and have clear swords that they battle these bad dudes with on motorcycles called "deathmachines".  The main Scanner from Scanners is like the "Darth Vader" bad dude, and his boss gets brain madness and forces chicks to dance around naked in a dark room w/ crystal poles that swing from the ceiling to some funky space techno music, until he flips a switch and then they start freaking out and the poles start shaking around and... well, i guess scaring the naked chicks, b/c they all start cowering on the floor.  There's a hot redhead who gets naked like 3 times, and seeing that was pretty much all that kept me from turning this off.  I mean, don't get me wrong, i dig bad movies, but this is pretty rough.  It takes them forever to get to the Deathsport part, and then Carradine and the redhead and this dr guy just split into the desert for like a 45 minute chase.  Then theres a break where they have to rescue this little girl from some "mutants".  Who are just a bunch of dudes in a cave w/ nets around their shoulders, some sunglasses on, and doo-rags on their heads.  I won't spoil the ending for you but it doesn't matter anyway, because the best part was the few times you saw the red boosh half an hour ago.  They did have these rad flashlight guns that made people disappear though.  We could really use some technology like that here in 2009.  Check the trailer, but don't go out of your way to find this one, unless you really dig torture.  tons of explosions, swords, horses, motorcycles, decent nudity, but only 2 stars... out of like 7.

kids say the darndest things

this clip a friend sent me makes me laugh so hard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dXGj_-orxw&feature=player_embedded

Valient Thorr Interview in Rolling Stone

yo, here's a link to the pdf file of our first ever interview w/ the elusive Rolling Stone. Rolling Stone caught up with me in Italy, I caught up with him in Australia. http://bit.ly/432iG

even more euro tourr pics #5

French BBQ, the reeperbahn whore stores in hamburg, fun with sharpies, and michael jackson died all over the world.