bad/awesome flixxx review: Wild at Heart (1990) (David Lynch)

"Did I ever tell ya that this here jacket represents a symbol of my individuality, and my belief in personal freedom?" - Sailor

"Speaking of Jack, One eyed Jack's yearning to go a peeping in a seafood store!" - Bobby Peru

"Uh oh. Baby, you'd better get me back to that hotel. You got me hotter than Georgia asphalt." - Lula

The last of the flicks I watched while in the house on the beach in France, another chapter in the weird and wild mind of David Lynch. This one sort of hit home with me being set in Cape Fear, North Carolina and being about young lovers on the lam(b)(?) in a world of shit. Kind of reminds me of high school. A very violent and strange movie from beginning to end, from characters to dialogue and its delivery... Nicholas Cage, Laura Dern, Harry Dean Stanton, Diane Ladd, Crispin Glover, and Willem Dafoe in David Lynch's WILD AT HEART.


What a helluva flick. Its classic Lynch, with insane cameos, dialogue thats so cheesy that you can smell it coming off the screen, lots of violence and gore set against a backdrop of the broken American dream, this time viewed through the crystal ball of the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. It starts off with Sailor (Nick Cage) beating the shit outta this dude named Bobby Ray Lemon, actually beating him to death. The dude pulled a knife on him because Lula (Dern)'s mother Marietta Fortune (Ladd) hired him to kill him because Sailor wouldn't fuck her in the bathroom. Sailor goes to jail for 5 years, gets out, gets picked up by Lula, and then they set off on a lover's adventure to California. Marietta hires a detective (Stanton) to follow them, and also a mobster named Marcellos Santos. The whole damn movie is great. They fuck a lot, and listen to a heavy metal band called Powermad. And they love Elvis, and there's a wreck where they see this chick croaks right in front of them.



Crispin Glover plays a weird cousin in a flashback story scene who loves christmas, and makes sandwiches all night and sticks cockroaches in his pants. Issabella Rossalina is in it as a killer, and the main chick from Twin Peaks as Glenda the good witch. There are many other assorted characters that you'll recognize from other flicks as minor characters... like John Lurie, and the dude from "Oh Brother Where Art Thou" that doublecrosses the boys... "sorry, i gotta do for mine"... But, by far and away, the best character in the movie is Bobby Peru, as portrayed by Willem Dafoe. A greasy slippery rapist rat fink hitman,

***SPOILER ALERT***

the penultimate scene in the flick is when he after doublecrossing Sailor in their feedstore robbery, accidently blows his own fucking head off with a shotgun. Man, the sound coming from the screen, I had to rewind it two or three fucking times. "So intense"! This movie won the Cannes film festival top prize in 1990, and was panned by critics everywhere... but they were all obviously full of shit, because this movie ruled. Also, Diane Ladd is Laura Dern's real mom. And she was even creepier than ol Bobby Peru. No shit!!! ok, double thumbs up. Check it out at all costs..... More soon.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Darkman- (1990) (Sam Raimi)

"Tell us where to find the Bellasarious Memorandum, and we shall disappear... like a nightmare before the breaking day." - Durant

I love Sam Raimi, but talk about a shitty flick. This is one of those flicks that maybe you see once years ago, and maybe back then you were like, this is great OR, at least, that was pretty good. When you're a young dude or dudette, some things can seem amazing that are totally shitty. Sports for example. (That's sort of a joke). Ok, so like I said, I found a stash of VHS at this chateau in France, and I've been watching them. I thought I remembered this one being a really well done movie about a seedy underworld with a cool character trying his best to overcome the forces of evil, and with Sam Raimi at the helm, I had to revisit. Boy was I disappointed. Liam Neeson, & Francis McDormand in a piece of shit entitled DARKMAN.



To tell you the truth, I don't even know when it was that I saw this. I may have been taken by my folks with some neighborhood dudes to see this one hot summer day, and just been really high on kool-aid. Then again, it could have been one of those sleepover domino's pizza/oreos/coca-cola classic features. I can't remember. Either way, I was too young to discern how terrible Liam Neeson's acting was. Sam Raimi apparently wanted to do a big budget superhero flick, trying for Batman, and the Shadow. Unable to secure the rights for those, he said fuck it, and just made up his own character. The whole thing is NOT THAT BAD. BUT... i guess I've come to enjoy good/bad flicks so much, that when you see a bad/bad one, it just bums you out that much more.



the story is about a scientist who is trying to create some kind of synthetic skin, and he's almost there, except for that the skin disintegrates after 99 minutes. Finally he figures out that it won't melt if its in the dark. (I feel like in this day and age of plastic surgery that this whole movie doesn't make ANY sense anymore, and MAY be my problem with the whole movie. I think its become dated because of upgrades in technology.) So, buying into this, he also dates this chick who is a lawyer. She comes across a super badass named memo ("the Bellasarious Memorandum") and it says that her boss is bribing the board of directors allowing him to build a "super city". She splits to confront him on it, and he sends some gangster dudes (the nastiest one cuts off dudes fingers and collects them) to get the memo from the lab. I'm assuming that the lab was their apartment, because why the fuck would he take her paperwork to his lab?? But I digress. So anyway, they fuck him up, he becomes hideously deformed burning his hands and face and then blowing up the lab sending him flying into the water and assumed dead.



BUT... he didn't die, he was taken to a hospital as a john doe, and then treated with special techniques that cut his feeling off... Because he'd live in agony forever (if he woke up they said) but the bad news was that he'd go crazy because he couldn't tell how much adrenaline he was working up or whatever. Anyway, he wakes up, escapes, puts some of his old equipment together in an old warehouse, reconstructs masks of his face and his enemies faces and tries to go get his old lady back from the asshole who blew him up and stole her away. He succeeds, but I don't know, I was totally passing out... the one dude gets blown up in a helicopter but must've not died, because part 2 is called the return of Durant... and i don't even think he killed the main guy. Theres a couple cool scenes. He puts his regular face back on, tells his old lady he's fine, and now they're back in love, and then he goes to a carnival and wins her a stuffed elephant, but the redneck carny won't give him the prize, so he goes Bonkers, and wigs out, sees fire, and breaks the dudes fingers, grabs an elephant and just splits. So, its not all bad. There are some Raimi moments. Ok... I do not recommend this one. And that may be like the 2nd out of all of these that i don't recommend, so thats saying something. Last but not least, there's a special cameo at the end of none other than BRUCE CAMPBELL! He's the last mask Darkman puts on when he says fuck it, and splits from his chick to live the life he hates, but is forced to live.

If you have any bad/awesome flicks recommendations, leave them in the comments for me!! thanx for reading!!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Bad Lieutenant- (1992) (Abel Ferrara)

“I've been dodging bullets since I was 14. No one can kill me, I'm blessed. I'm a fucking Catholic.”

Hello out there... if you read this vloggg with any frequency, you know that lately I've been writing about the weirdest and best/worst movies that I can remember watching growing up. Last night, I was digging around the chateau that I'm staying at in France, and found a badass collection of vhs on the back of a shelf in the living room. I thought I'd take advantage of reviewing some more classics and searching for a few that I haven't thought of in years. The first one that nearly jumped off the shelf in my hands was Harvey Keitel's outstanding performance in a movie that creeped me out beyond belief as a teenager, Abel Ferrara's BAD LIEUTENANT. (The trailer is ok, but doesn't really do the movie justice, so Ill put a link to a rad tribute some dudes made on youtube at the bottom of this review... word):



I was glad to get a chance to see this again, as a few friends have recommended seeing last year's pseudo-remake by Werner Herzog starring Nick Cage. Yeah, I was skeptical too, but even the snobbish of critics gave it some praise (Not that that really matters in the context of this vloggg, of course its better if its dogshit...). I can't remember exactly when I first saw this movie, but I'm pretty sure it was on skinemax or showtime?!? Like I said, I can't remember, but I do remember that I DID see the uncut nc-17 rated version w/ the naked dance, and the "beat off in front of the young girls" scene. Even with those 5 minutes cut out, this is definitely one of the most fucked up movies ever. I still cringe at the level of the destructive path this character is on. Harvey Keitel plays a cop (they never say his name actually) who starts the movie by dropping his kids off late to school, then as soon as they jump outta the car, he starts doing bumps of coke. And its all downhill from there. I'm not going to give you the whole plot of this flick, but it does have a bit of everything: excessive drug use including but not limited to cocaine, smoking crack, chasing the dragon, shooting heroin, drinking, prostitution, transvestites, he steals drugs from crime scenes and gives it to dealers to make money on it. And his heinous gambling problem is what sort of ties the whole plot together. He bets a shitload on a series between the Mets and the Dodgers, and Darryl Strawberry (who by now has started playing with LA) is up 3 games to 0 in a series of 7. The Mets make a comeback, and he just keeps doubling up on his debt as the movie goes along. There's also a nun who gets raped, and he starts investigating this crime somehow in his drunken stupor, and for those of you who have seen this already...

(SPOILER ALERT)

- what the fuck was up with when he tracks down the 2 dudes after the jesus/baglady shows him the goblet??? Why did he take them to the bus station? I figured they were dead for sure. But, I figure, the nun wasn't going to prosecute them, so he figured, he's such a fuck up, that who was he to judge them.... BUT- that still doesn't explain why he gave them 30,000 FUCKING DOLLARS!!! I mean, if we're talking redemption here, I'm 99% sure those 2 dudes did NOT split town. They probably took one look in that cigar box, and were like, "who the FUCK was that?" And then maybe moved across town, I don't know. That whole part just didn't make sense to me. Of course I'm not a drug addled maniac.


ok, so... I highly recommend checking this one out. And maybe Ill do a review of the Herzog one if its worth a shit. And maybe even if its not. More soon.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzsayiLy52E

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Crippled Masters (1979)

"Two crippled brothers, one indestructable force. Revenge against all odds!!" So reads the box of our next masterpiece. For this segment of my all time favorite bad flicks, I went Black Belt Theater on yer ass. This may not be the best kung fu movie of all time, but it definitely is the weirdest, and it definitely is my favorite, and it definitely sticks out in anyone's mind who has ever seen it. A man with no arms, and a man with (sort of) no legs are- THE CRIPPLED MASTERS!!!



So, let me tell you a tale. Once there was an bad organization of bad dudes. one of them- Lee Ho, betrayed the organization. So when the flick starts, you see Lee Ho getting his arms chopped off. As a matter of fact, the first thing you see is his bloody arm dropping to the ground. Its amazing. Then the other dude (Tang) is like, "chop his other arm off..." And they do. Then he rolls down the steps, and then gets treated like shit in the restaurant, and the bouncer kicks his ass. They take him to the coffin maker, but he is still alive. The main bad guy (Lin Chang Cao) sends his right hand man (Pao) and his two main bodyguards (Black and White) to go get some coffins. They see Lee Ho, and kick his ass some more. He escapes to the woods, and is unsuccessful trying to eat rice from chickens, and after being caught eating hogslop, decides to make it in the village doing oddjobs. So then for some reason, Tang is accused of knowing too much?! and Lin Chang Cao (the evil bastard) pours acid all over Tang's legs, and they're literally turned into just bones w/ little feet on the end. Its gross. So he splits to the woods too. Too bad he runs into Lee Ho out there... Lee Ho sets out to beat the shit out of him, and the battle escalates into a cave, but luckily for Tang, they here something and find this little old man balled up inside a basket. He tells them to stop fighting and that he knows that they used to work for the organization, and that if they want to beat Lin Chang Cao, they should team up, and that he will train them. So then you have a long training montage, and then they meet up with this other dude, and well, I don't want to give away the whole thing. Let's just say, there are jewel thieves, Eight Jade Horses, Lin Chang Cao has this weird metal hump on his back, and what else? The fucking fight scenes are great. Its really well organized and choreographed for dudes with no arms and little stick legs. Wait'll you see them team up like those special transformers. Its nuts. It doesn't get much more bad/awesome than this. I should devise a rating system. Ill do that very soon. its great. that is all.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988)

ok, so I thinking about bad flicks, and I asked myself, what were my favorites growing up? What were the ones that made my hair stand on end they were so bad slash so totally incredible? Which ones deserve the treatment so to speak? And so I came up with a list of flicks that were just begging to be rewatched, and reviewed. First up on the list was a little known and (at one time) hard to find flick starring Rowdy Roddy Piper! Made the exact same year as he starred in John Carpenter's THEY LIVE... 1988 was a "hell" of a year for Piper. Here he is alongside Sandahl Bergman in HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN.



The thing about this one that sets it apart from the rest of the bad movies I usually review here, is that there is almost NO redeeming quality to it. Its pretty bad... No great one-liners like he had in THEY LIVE, the acting is pretty heinous... I guess you could say the costumes were ok. BUT... the reason this one stuck up there in the old gordon, after rewatching it- is that its a total boner story. I must have seen this on skinemax when i was like 14 or something, because Sandahl Bergman is in her bra and panties most of the flick, her "gunner" Corporal Cintranella gets naked, and they have to rescue another harem of chicks from the frogs.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Check out this awesome plot: Its after WWIII. The world is devastated, and as a result of uranium mining there are mutant frogs who live out in the outlands on reservations. Sam Hell is being investigated for porking this future cops daughter when all of a sudden this division of the army made up of chicks rescue him and agree to drop all charges against him if he'll help them impregnate a few of the only fertile women left on the earth (since he is {even rarer} one of the only virile men left on earth). He agrees, then they put like a chastity bomb on his weiner so he can't get away, and then inform him he has to bust the fertile chicks out of frogtown. To which he retorts: "Hey lady, I agreed to fuck for my freedom, but Frogtown was no part of this deal, you're crazy!"



And there ya go. Totally classic, cheeseball post-apocalyptic low budge rightousness. Plenty of machine guns, a pink vehicle that kinda looks like a fucking pt cruiser w/ a gatlin gun on top, nasty frogmen, a bit of boob action, and lots of pent up end of the world desire. Good shit. Find it. Apparently there are 3 sequels! They all look like utter dogshit. Cheers!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Black Dynamite (2009) & Ninja Assassin (2009)

growing up, after cartoons were over on saturday mornings, the local tv stations would have matinee theater all afternoon, starting with something like "mega monster" theater, then "black belt" theater, and then maybe a blaxploitation or other genrecentric film. And I lived for them. So even though I don't often review newer flicks here, I thought I'd package both of these together since they are kind of reminiscent of the past for me. A Blax spoof/sendup and a ninja flick. here we go first with: BLACK DYNAMITE!



This movie is almost fucking perfect. In every way. They never slip you a wink or a nudge like, "haha, we're poking fun". Its very true to the Blaxploitation flicks of old, yet, spoofed in a smart way. This one I totally recommend, so as usual Ill spare you the walkthru, and just give you a brief synopsis: Black Dynamite is one bad mother. He is ex-CIA, a veteran of Nam, and generally just holds shit down, and handles business in Hollywood. When his brother is killed by the same dope fiends who are putting "a new drug" in the hands of the orphans, its just too much for Black Dynamite to take. I want to tell you more, but, suffice to say, his travels are hilarious, and the cameos are hilarious as well. A+++ dudes, wish I could say the same for this next flick...



I don't wanna start of shitting on this movie right from the beginning, as the fucking thing starts out awesome...but, well, watch the trailer. a bunch of unknowns in NINJA ASSASSIN.



Ok... my problem here is not the ass-kicking and dare I say "riki-oh" influenced gore. My problem is the need for the director (whoever) to throw in the goddamned love story. And its light at best... but for christsakes... We're talking about a ninja movie here. These dudes are supposed to be SOOOOO badass, yet they have ample opportunity to waste the chick and her fucking DUMBASS boss time and time and time again, yet somehow, they come away unscathed. I guess these ninjas are that badass after all. So, let's see, I'm halfers for it. The blood and carnage is great, but they even CGIed most of that too, so its kind of shit. I caught myself going, "oh shit!" or "goddamn!" a couple of times, but like i said... its a ninja movie! I should have been saying that over and over again. Do I need to do the plot thing? Little kid gets kidnapped into ninja organization. Years later, chick investigator uncovers centuries old plot where governments pay these clans to assassinate peeps for them. Kid could be the baddest of them all. His girlfriend is in the clan too. She rebels. They kill her. He stays with them, till he's had too much, then vows revenge. Years later, he gets it. Ho Hum. watch Black Dynamite instead. or Youth in Revolt. I know i didn't review it, but its hilarious. word.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Blue Velvet (1986) by David Lynch

-[peering into bag that Jeffrey brought]
Detective Williams: "That's a human ear all right."
***
-Frank Booth: "Don't be a good neighbor to her. I'll send you a love letter, straight from my heart, fucker! You know what a love letter is? It's a bullet from a fucking gun, fucker! You receive a love letter from me, you're fucked forever! You understand, fuck? I'll send you straight to hell, fucker!"
***
-Sandy Williams: "...it means that there is trouble until the robins come."
***
-Jeffrey Beaumont: "Do you see that house? I used to know a kid who lived there, he had the biggest tongue in the world."





First things first. Rest in peace Dennis Hopper. I've always dug Dennis Hopper from watching Easy Rider and Apocalypse Now with my pop when I was little. This little gem slipped by my peepers growing up, even though I'd heard of since I was young. But the description was always something like "very weird" or "too hard to understand", when the real description should have been, "unbelievably beautiful" or "something very noir, and very creative in its storytelling". Then I would've watched this years ago. There are so many awesome lines in it, I had to use them as the intro to the trailer- & I may start doing that all the time. What a cast. The funny thing is, thinking of all the films i DID see with Hopper around this time, like RIVERS EDGE or TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2, I never knew I was missing one of the best roles of his career. Frank Booth. What a dastardly character. What a hilarious and awful/perfect villian. I just think this a must see, and I missed it all these years, maybe you have as well, go give this fucker a chance.
I absolutely wouldn't dare ruin this one for you, but here's a brief synopsis: Kyle Maclachlan (DUNE, TWIN PEAKS) is a dude who comes back to his hometown cuz his pops had a stroke. He finds an ear in a field and takes it to this cop who has a hot daughter in high school. He starts hanging with this chick and she tempts his curiosity with info about the case. There's a chick singer (Issabella Rossalini) who's wrapped up in it somehow. They go see her sing, and then the dude says fuck it, lets pretend we are exterminators, get a key, break in her house, and then see what happens. What happens is this dude gets caught up in some heavy shit, with the crazy dancer wanting him to pork her, and a dangerous wildman on his ass bigtime. Sounds pretty simple, but put together, I think old David Lynch really made his masterpiece here.
To follow, another trailer that'll tempt your tastebuds to go buy or rent or whatever to get this in yer hands.
3 thumbs up.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Riki-Oh- The Story of Ricky (1991)

a favorite of mine for years... one of the first, and one of THE goriest japanese flicks of all time. Based on a comic book of the same name, a bunch of dudes you've never heard of in- THE STORY OF RICKY aka RIKI-OH. Below is a pretty good homemade English trailer, as there was never an original English one made, and the one that they made later on for the dvd release makes it look too serious and stupid. So this is what you get... (way down at the bottom is the og Japanese trailer too.)



Wow wow wow. I can't tell you how many times I wondered what the hell the movie the clip was from that came on the Daily Show way back when Craig Kilborn was the host during his "5 Questions" segment. It depicted this giant dude smashing this little dudes head into a million pieces. All of my friends used to wonder what it was from and this was way before the days of the internet explosion. Luckily there was a cool older dude down at the local video store who was up to snuff on his gory martial arts imports. As we settled down in my buddy's basement to watch this "Story of Ricky", none of us knew what we were in for. This was like 1992. (i know some of you are like, hey man, they had the internet way before 92, yeah, well, not in the town i lived in smartass. you can't even get wifi there NOW... hence the trips to the coffeeshop, but i digress). What unfolded was the most low budget- yet most awesome- punch dudes thru the face- exactly what every dude wants out of a movie-movie that was ever made (besides maybe roadhouse). I still get excited thinking about an invincible dude who is imprisoned for revenge for the death of his love, fighting for the rights of all of the prisoners, and just decimating this fucking place.



the first version I saw was with subtitles, the original. Since then, a dubbed version has been released that is pretty great as well, because its makes a few things funnier in ways they weren't before.
Again, this is one i highly recommend finding, so I don't wanna ruin it for ya, but here's a general plot run down: In the year 2001 (its like saying 2025 now) all of the prisons and government institutions are privatized and franchised. Ricky has been imprisoned for manslaughter. The dudes running the prison are dicks. The warden is off in Hawaii, and the asst warden is in charge til he gets back. The four blocks of the prison are ran by these badass dudes called the "gang of four". They basically beat the shit out of the other prisoners and treat them terribly. But, these badass dudes are nothing compared to the awesome power of Ricky. This dude punches down walls, punches thru dudes bellies, ties his own goddamned tendons together after being having them severed. There's heads chopped in half, people getting skinned alive, people exploding, heroin trafficking, dudes getting their faces sawn off, and that ain't even the tip of the iceburg. If you've never seen this, get yerself a copy at all costs. It can be easily ordered online. Below you'll find the original trailer in Japanese.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Rubin & Ed (1991)

So, after years of looking for a copy (it has never had a dvd release and has long been out of print on vhs) I finally got to witness ol Jonny Fever and George McFly in one of the weirdest sought after independant flicks out there. Howard Hesseman, Crispin Hellion Glover, and Karen Black in- Ruben & Ed.



Years ago, I remember some friends talking about Crispin Glover appearing on David Letterman dressed up all funny and acting completely distraught and confused like he was on acid, and ended with him trying to kick Letterman in the face and saying "I'm strong, I can kick... I can kick" and Letterman walking off the set during the interview. That was long before Youtube, and I continued to hear about this legendary interview over the years, and finally someone somewhere explained that he wasn't on acid, he was playing a character that ended up being in a movie he did four years later. AGAIN, EVEN THOUGH IT SAYS HE IS IN THE TEXT, HE IS NOT ON ACID.



Since then, I had watched the clip many times, but never could land a copy of the flick. We even saw a copy on vhs at a place on tour one time and offered the guy at the shop a good amount of bread for it, just so we could see the damn thing. He wouldn't even let us rent it for fear that we wouldn't bring it back since we werent from around there. This only made us salivate for it more and more. So blah blah blah, we got our hands on a copy, and I just rewatched it last night.
Talk about a weird flick. And I'm not talking Crispin Glover "What is it?" weird, I'm just talking about a very strange movie about an eccentric young hermit, and a middle aged divorcee trying to pull his life together through a "get rich quick" scheme. Since it'll probably be a while before you find a copy of this gem, Ill give you a quick plot rundown. Ed has joined "the organization", a pyramid scheme disguised as a real estate money making seminar. He is instructed to get dudes to the seminar. Ruben is a home body who lives in a motel that his mom manages. He listens to Mahler and dances around squeaking a toy mouse. His mom desperately wants him outta the motel and wants him to make some friends. She takes away his jam box, and says he can have it back when he makes a friend. So, these dudes meet each other and Ruben says he'll go to the seminar if Ed will come pick him up. Ed comes over, and Ruben says he has to meet his mother first. Ed is gonna split, but decides to wait and drink a glass of water. He goes to get ice out of the fridge and pulls a dead frozen cat out of the freezer. When he asks what the hell Ruben is doing with a dead cat in his freezer, Ruben says he needs to find a place to bury it. Ed says why not the desert, and Ruben agrees to go to the seminar if Ed will drive him out to the desert to bury it. So they go, and they are fighting and bickering the whole time, and Ruben keeps NOT burying the cat because its the wrong spot. Anyway, it gets weirder from there. I don't wanna ruin everything, its kind of slow in a few spots, but could have been a second rate Raising Arizona if it got more publicity. There are several sequences that are fucking hilarious, such as the cat waterskiing dream sequence. Anyway... this one rules. If you can find it, I highly recommend it.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Cobra (1986)

Fucking H. You know it. You've seen it, and you don't remember it. You need to go rent it again for the first five minutes alone. Its great, it sucks, and its even better than that, all rolled into one. Stallone. a cop. Bridgette Nielsen, a chick, and the ugliest dude I've ever seen yelling "you wanna go with me to hell, PIG?" in- COBRA.



Let me start out by saying, sorry its been such a while. Ive watched some hideous flicks that I have yet to review, but touring didn't allow me a lot of free time these last few months. So we begin this run with Cobra, an old favorite. Some of the lines in this movie are unbelievable, and some are REALLY bad... Some of the shit Stallone pulls in the beginning make you think this may be the best movie ever made. Then thirty minutes later you are like, what the fuck is this? My pop rewatched this guy with me last week, and he made the comment that it came out during the 80s when the production in cop shows and flicks was all the same. The song montage with Bridgette Nielsen herself couldve been straight outta Miami Vice. And what was up with those weird prop robots she was dancing with??? They were terribly constructed (haha). So, I don't think I'll ruin this one with a total walkthru. Let's just say that there's a gang of dudes who hang out in a warehouse somewhere with barrels of fire lit, and they stand around like they are in an old 80s workout video and clang axes and hatchets together in unison. When confronted, they shout about the "new order" and try to kill "pigs" or whatever. Stallone is Sgt Cobretti, and he is supposed to protect this chick who may be able to identify the "Night Slasher" or head of the "new order". Anyway, if you are looking for a badass and cheesy 80s action flick, you gotcherself a wiener here. ***bonus shit*** supposedly Stallone wrote this script for Beverly Hills Cop, but wanted a grittier less comedic movie, and split (according to Wikipedia.) word.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Keoma (1976)

One of the final great "spaghetti westerns", KEOMA was a last hurrah and a shining triumph of what the genre had been, and could have been. In 1976, when most of the steam had already run out of these types of flicks, and they had moved on from serious dramas to shitty parodies or even shittier "western comedies", Franco Nero brought to life the story of a "half-breed" hell bent on making up for lost time.



KEOMA is the tale of Keoma, a half-white, half-native American man who has returned from the civil war to his home in the old west. Upon his return he finds his old town run by a corrupt Confederate soldier who's got a posse of assholes that ride roughshod all over the citizens of the town. Something has infected the water and given some of the townsfolk the "plague". The bad guy (Mr. Caldwell) won't let anyone leave town except to go to an old mine to die if they are sick enough. Keoma sees them taking a bunch of them to the mine, and he rescues this pregnant lady, and takes her back to town. The townsfolk are pissed, b/c they think she has the plague and might infect them.



Other things aren't working out so well for ol Keoma either. His dad, who used to be the main ass kicker in town, never even leaves his ranch anymore b/c things are so fucked. His 3 bigtime asshole half brothers are in cahoots with Caldwell, and they've been kicking Keoma's ass since their ol man brought him back from the reservation. His only friend in the world, who was his dad's ranchhand, and was also a badass with a bow and arrow, is now the town drunk. Plus there's this old witch that Keoma sees all the time, who's haunting him and asking him "why he came back?", and "isn't he tired of killing?" Keoma always has a tuff as hell answer for her. "Everyone deserves a chance to be born", or "I go alone because I AM alone", or "I do what I do because I am free, and that is the only way to be free." or some shit like that. He's tuff like I said. Plus, Franco Nero had KILLER steez. Ive never seen so much style. There's so much action in this flick... It really has everything you could ask for in a western. There's a fucking 15-20 minute shootout that's like 3 on 50 or so. I don't wanna give away the juicy bits though. The only thing that is annoying about this one is this running ballad theme that narrates throughout the film. It sort of has a BILLY JACK vibe about it, but its really bad, in that its this really shrill ladies voice describing what's happening as it transpires. "you have to go and save her now, you get up on your horse and ride away as fast as it will take youuuu!" HA! it really is like that. And then like, a really out of key drunken sounding dude is singing as if he is Keoma, or responding/narrating in the song.... anyway, that part sucks. But not enough for you to not totally understand that this is a hell of a western. I'm gonna find some more of these to watch, as this was enjoyable. Aloha from somewhere in PA!!

"Put a little insanity on yer potato"

NEW FREE VALIENT THORR SONG!! NEW SITE IS LIVE!! CHECK IT!

ALAHOYUS TRUE BELIEVERS! The day has finally arrived. Tomorrow, we launch out with our friends MASTODON, BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME, & BARONESS on the 2010 Volcom Tour.
To celebrate, we decided to give all the Thorriors out there a present. Cassius Thorr designed a new website for us, and we thought you might like to hear ONE OF THE NEW SONGS from our album we recorded with Jack Endino last month!!
So click right here, and it'll take you to the home page and then enter your email. We’ll send you a link to download our new jam “DOUBLECROSSED” – wait for it……….. FOR FREE. Spread the news. We play around 6:30 every night, so leave work early, have a few cocktails, and help us get the party started right! So excited to be back out there with ya! See you all soon,
VALIENT THORR

bad/awesome flixxx review: John Carpenter's: Prince of Darkness (1987)

wow, here's a hard to find horror classic. and after checking out the critic's reviews, it seems like a lot of people didn't enjoy this flick! made just one year after (probably) my favorite movie ever- BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and one year before THEY LIVE, Victor (Egg Shen!) Wong and Dennis (Wang!) Dun return in John Carpenter's PRINCE OF DARKNESS.



Man it took me forever to find a copy of this. I love John Carpenter. Besides VAMPIRES, i can't really find any fault in the man's career. I don't know why this movie never made it as big as some of his others. Maybe because it was distributed by a new company at the time, who knows? Straight up tho? I'm gonna say this is one of his top films. you got BIG TROUBLE, this one, HALLOWEEN, THE THING, & ESCAPE FROM NY. top 5. oh sure there's plenty more. What's gonna make you wanna watch this one? How about Alice Cooper's frequent cameo as a satanic homeless person? How about a story involving a canister thats over a million years old containing a glowing green swirling liquid thats supposed to the anti-christ in an old abandoned church in LA? one that was supposedly buried in the desert by his father the Super Devil who was banished to the dark side of a mirror by an alien named Jesus? one where bugs are crawling all over dudes eating their hands and heads off, girls puking in other girls mouths, dudes puking in other girls mouths, everyone puking in everyones mouths, remote psychic tachyon visions replacing dreams, fountains of demonic liquid infesting a young student and possessing her, a dude jabbing a stake into his own neck, and all kinds of students and scientists dying in various ways. I just don't have the heart to give out everything here, because I believe this bastard deserves the chance to be viewed by you. There are some unbelievable scenes in this film, very subtle things that stand out. The vibe of the damn thing is creepy throughout the whole thing. The story is extremely well written. The music is amazing (as it almost always is in his films, of course done all by himself), and the end scene is great. I think the only problem people may have is some of the acting. But, seriously it's not that bad, and I think the story actually holds its own even if you don't like the acting. I highly recommend finding this, although I've only ever come across it on vhs. I think they just released it on DVD finally. check it out big time. thumbs up, aces, whatever. find it! Fucking terrifying and worth every penny.

bad/awesome flixxx review: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

with an impending remake in the can, and a whole franchise of sequels, including a tv show to tempt me into watching more, I decided to revisit what some call the greatest slasher movie of all time. Robert Englund, John Saxon, and Johnny Depp in his big screen debut, ladies and gents, I give you Wes Craven's A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.



ok, There are literally thousands of shitty movies I wanna review, most of which I have never seen, but I have a few here that I've either been given or downloaded a while back, and I need the space on my harddrive, so I'm dusting some of them off before I delete them. This isn't any new territory here, I'm not gonna be telling you anything about this flick that you don't already know. Most of the time these dudes making the remakes fuck them up royally so that no one even gives a shit to see any of the other ones. That was the case for me when someone told me about a new Nightmare remake. I tossed it around in my head a bit and came to this conclusion: well, its better than trying to sell us another sequel. The interesting piece of information here is that the dude playing Freddy in the new movie, Jackie Earl Haley actually went to the auditions of this first film bringing along his buddy Johnnie Depp who ended up getting a part. Jackie Earl Haley is the long haired motorcycle kid from the first BAD NEWS BEARS. He was also in another bad/awesome flick reviewed last summer called DAMNATION ALLEY. But enough about the new shit, let's talk about this one. We all know the plot: Cute blonde chick has a nightmare about a dude trying to kill her. She finds out her friend Nancy had the same dream the next day. So Nancy and her boyfriend Glen (Depp) decide to sleep over to make Tina feel better. Tina's cool boyfriend busts in on them and takes Tina up to her mom's bedroom to bang. Johnny Depp tries to bang Nancy, but she's like, "no, we're supposed to be here for Tina." Bummer. After Rod and Tina pass out from sex exhaustion, Tina has another dream about the knife finger dude. She sees a goat, and Freddy chops his own fingers off! Then Rod wakes up to her screaming and he's freaking out, and she's getting cut open somehow, and he's like,"what the fuck?" "help!" "this is crazy, this is crazy!" and Tina's getting dragged up the wall and onto the ceiling and blood is everywhere, and it just looks bad for ol Rod. He freaks out and bolts. They accuse him of murder and catch him the next day. Nancy freaks out, she can't sleep cause she keeps having these nightmares, and she starts getting this skunk streak in her hair (that's pretty rad). And she goes to see ol Rod, and he gets strangled by Freddy thru his dreams by his sheets. Nancy goes ballistic, denies sleep, then her mom takes her to a Dream clinic. She has another dream, and she's running away from Freddy (who isn't named yet btw) and she wakes up with a burn on her arm and freddy's hat! She pulled it into reality! So the mom freaks out, the neighbors hate Nancy cause she sucks, they don't want their boy hanging with that creep of a girl and her punk rock quaff. Nancy's mom tells her the story of a killer named Fred Krueger who killed like 20 kids and then was released from jail because the cops didn't sign a form or something. So then some angry parents, and I'm not sure if she meant her parents, or like her friends who are all of nancy's friends parents now (?) all burned Fred alive. Then to "comfort" her she takes her to the basement and grabs this bladed knife glove out of her fireplace because of course that's gonna make everyone feel better! You got this dead guy's fucking killing glove in your fireplace! That's why he's fucking haunting you! HA! So she boards up the house and Johnny Depp gets turned into a bloody geyser, and then theres a chase and some HOME ALONE style booby traps, and then freddy's on fire (again) and then he sucks Nancy's mom into the bed. And then it was all a dream. And then Freddy is a car, and then he "here's Johnny's" the mom thru a window on the door. Wow. I think I need to watch the second one, cause this one was lacking on the goods. That scene where Freddy's arms extend across the alley to scratch the walls? Hilarious. My favorite lines? At the end Nancy tells Freddy, "You're nothing! You're shit!" And that just about sums up a lot of these movies. More soon bad movie lovers!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Runaway (1984)

"It is the future", except for everything sucks and the cars look like its the past, and the robots are pretty shitty. But you do have Tom Selleck, Gene Simmons, Kirsty Alley, and fuckin Mauser from Police Academy in his same role in a Micheal Crichton(!) film- RUNAWAY.



This was a childhood favorite. All i could remember about it was that there was a bad guy (Gene Simmons) who had a bunch of robot spiders who would jump on you and stick a needle in your neck BEFORE exploding and setting you on fire! Need I type more? ok... well, Tom Selleck is a very serious cop with a new hot partner chick and his son is the kid from FLIGHT OF THE NAVIGATOR. He has vertigo, which may or may not be a nod of the hat to Hitchcock. There is a very similiar scene in which he's waaay up at the very tip top of an elevator about two floors above an unfinished building and has to peer over the side much like Jimmy Stuart in VERTIGO. Besides that Gene Simmons has an awesome gun that shoots heat seeking missile bullets, and his girlfriend is Kirsty Alley, and she has to take her clothes off looking for bugs. No nudity on her (thank christ) but there is a nice rack that shows up at one point. What else? Flying camerabots called "floaters", and these badass robots that are dumped thru the floorboard of this car, that zoom thru traffic and explode on intended targets. The final scene is pretty awesome and Gene Simmons has a moment that will make you piss yerself laughing. totally worth a watch. B-. Bonus spiderbot kill to follow:

"you shoulda seen that cocksucker's face when i took out that knife"

bad/awesome flixxx review: Beastmaster 2- Through the Portal of Time (1991)

wow. i will never ceased to be amazed by the flicks that are out there. i was so curious about the sequel to Beastmaster after watching the first one (because truly, these reviews are supposed to be about bad AND awesome movies- and Beastmaster doesn't really qualify as bad. its just awesome) that I went and found a copy of Beastmaster 2. and I was not disappointed. It truly sucked (in an awesome way).




One of the reasons that I liked the Beastmaster so much was that when I was younger (on earth) it reminded me of Masters of the Universe. Dar was kind of like He-Man, and he pretty much had his own battle cat, and his world looked like Eternia. The only thing that ever remotely sucked about He-man (besides that fact that they never killed anyone) was the truly horrible movie adaptation w/ Dolph Lundgren. In that movie, I'm guessing they didn't really have the budget to make a realistic world filled with baddies that looked similar to Beastmaster the original. So what was their solution? Come up with some bullshit story about a "cosmic key" and bring He-Man and his cohorts over into Earth, and film in LA. That all happened in 1987, four years before Beastmaster 2 was made. I guess the director was like, fuck it, let's rape this one too. To be fair, I guess this one could have worked if they left the whole LA part out, but then everyone would complain that it was just another sword and sorcery flick. But some of the continuity mistakes were atrocious. His bird isn't even the same color. It was a huge black bird in the first one, this time it's like a brown, and sometimes white eagle. Rrrugh (his tiger) was a huge black tiger in the first one, and in this one he's a lean Bengal tiger. Somehow Kodo and Podo are back even though one of them died saving Dar from Mayax in the first one. (now, the chick ferret had babies in the last one, so these could be the babies of the OG Kodo and Podo. who knows?). What else? Well, a brief plot outline: Dar is captive to the evil Arklon in the beginning but of course escapes. As he's being chased in the swamp, he meets a monster thats like a cross between the Swamp Thing and the big ass Orcs from LOTR. It shoots red light from its eyes. but it sees Dar's hand, and goes, "yo, I was your dads sister one time. You have a big brother, who's a dick, you have to go west and kill him." So Dar sets out, meanwhile Arklon meets up with this witch who is way hotter than the witches in the last one. She tells him of this secret portal (that looks like StarGate- which came out in 94- interesting) and he also has a cosmic zapping "key" (see what i mean?). She tells him of this ultimate nullifier bomb the military has (in LA??) that looks like a pony keg with a timer on it. Just before they can enter the doorway, they cut to this scene of a chick zooming around LA getting chased by cops, and then they crash in the doorway. The chick is "like way totally rad the max, k?" Gag ME with a spoon. Dar befriends her and they chase Arklon and the witch into the portal and Dar figures out that Arklon is his long lost older bro. it gets worse from here. They totally make Dar out to be a kook. There's even a scene where they are driving around LA, and they pass by a movie theater and BEASTMASTER 2 is on the marquee. Dar looks into the screen like "what?!" WAH-WAH-WAAAAH. pretty much a bummer, but it makes me VERY interested in how bad beastmaster 3 could be. can i even handle it? enjoy boys and ghouls!

VALIENT THORR EURO SUMMER TOURDATES!!

Valient Thorr Euro Summer Tourdates 2010

Alahoyus to you all today! We will be hitting the road this summer in Europe. Here are the initial gig dates, with more coming soon. Please help us spread the word!
more soon, Valient Himself

* Jun 17 2010- HELLFEST 2010- Clisson, France
* Jun 19 2010- Elektra Tuinfeest 2010- Sliderecht/ Rotterdam, Netherlands*
* Jun 20 2010- Trix- Antwerpen, Belgium
* Jun 23 2010- Schaubude- Kiel, Germany
* Jun 24 2010- Hafenklang- Hamburg, Germany
* Jun 25 2010- White Trash- Berlin, Germany
* Jun 26 2010- Alter Schlachthof- Eisenach, Germany
* Jun 27 2010- Podium Asterix- Leeuwarden, Netherlands
* Jun 28 2010- Little Devil- Tillburg, Netherlands
* Jun 29 2010- Riders Park/ L’entrepot- Arlon, Belgium
* Jun 30 2010- Volxbad- Flensburg, Germany
* Jul 1 2010- ROSKILDE FESTIVAL 2010- ROSKILDE, DENMARK
* Jul 3 2010- Gaskessel Barbarie Festival 2010- Biel/ Bienne, Switzerland
* Jul 6 2010- Nachtleben- Frankfurt, Germany
* Jul 7 2010- Eden- Ulm, Germany
* Jul 8 2010- Sedel- Luzern, Switzerland
* Jul 9 2010- Volxhaus- Klagenfurt, Austria
* Jul 10 2010- ROCK IM RING FESTIVAL 2010- Südtirol/ Botzen, Italy
* Jul 15 2010- Viper Room- Vienna, Austria
* Jul 16 2010- PMK- Innsbruck, Austria
* Jul 20 2010- Estraperio- Barcelona, Spain
* Jul 21 2010- Ritmo & Compas- Madrid, Spain
* Jul 22 2010- Music Box- Lisbon, Portugal
* Jul 23 2010- Piano B- Porto, Portugal
* Jul 24 2010- Azkena- Bilbao, Spain
* Jul 27 2010- Grotta Rosso- Rimini, Italy
* Jul 28 2010- Sabotage Bar- Vicenza, Italy
* Jul 30 2010- Festivalkult! U&D 2010- Porta, Germany
* Jul 31 2010- ROADKILL FESTIVAL 2010- Waarschoot, Belgium

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Beastmaster (1982)

what a score! I found this on DVD for $3.99. A favorite of mine from way back in my Venusian days, Marc Singer, John Amos, and Rip Torn star in this badass Conan style fantasy film from the director of Phantasm, Don Coscarelli!



I'm not gonna give you a total play by play on this one, b/c I think it totally deserves a look up or a rental or whatever. I dug it so much, I'm gonna look for Beastmaster 2 (which is most probably terrible). Anyway, to give you the brief rundown here, Rip Torn (Mayax) is like a big shit sorcerer, and he works for this King Zed. Zed's wife is pregnant, and these witches that work for him tell him that the King's unborn son is gonna kill him. So Mayax is like, "bullshit, I'll kill him first" and he sends one of the witches to kill the baby (still inside the mother). The witch transports the baby from the womb of the queen to a cow's belly, kills the queen, and they lock Zed up for years. The witch gets the baby from the cow and brands his hand and is about to sacrifice him when this old peasant dude comes outta the woods and chops her with this handy little boomerang blade thing. Then he raises Marc Singer (Dar) as his own. When Dar is a teenager, his old man notices that Dar has psychic powers with animals and tells him he's special. Fast forward, and this gang of assholes called the Junn Horde burns Dar's village to the ground, killing his dad and his dog. So he goes off to kill them and meets a black lion, a black magic hawk, 2 cute little ferrets, an unbelievably hot redheaded chick named Kiri (who he bangs, and then later finds out its his own cousin, but they never say shit about it. hey, if its good for Jerry Lee Lewis, right?). Later on he meets John Amos and some kid who is his little brother. Seeing John Amos in this makes me wanna watch "Coming To America" really bad. This flick has beautiful scenery, rad views, animal telepathy, animal sight kinda like in Thundercats with the sword of omens, rings with fucking eyeballs in them, witches, Rip Torn with braids and skull bow-bows, these Bird worshipping dudes that can wrap their arm/wing/talons around someone and suck them dry til there is only bones left, and these berzerker dudes with toxic green leech earwigs driving them insane



one thing bothers me about the film upon further review.. at the end when Dar is fighting the main Junn Horde dude that looks like the guy from the old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon with the big headdress, why doesn't he use his freakin animal psychic powers on that dudes horse?? He could have just told the horse to dump his ass in the fuckin fiery moat, know what I'm sayin? Also, one other cool thing, our good friends in the NC band Caltrop named a song off of their last album "Junn Horde". They are awesome, check them out. And if you dig sword and sorcery flicks, this has you written all over it. I personally prefer it to both Conan flicks... more soon prettys!

bad/awesome flixxx review: Moonraker (1979)

the 11th James Bond flick, Roger Moore takes the franchise all over the fucking world and I guess you could say "out of this world". This rewatching may have just changed my favorite Bond film from Octopussy to Moonraker. This one's got it all.



This one starts out with a space shuttle (the Moonraker) being hijacked by a couple of dudes. The shuttle is being transported on top of a plane, and when the rockets ignite, it burns the plane to bits. The shuttle was on loan to the UK from the US. Bond is on a mission somewhere and gets attacked by a pilot in a different plane. Then Jaws comes outta no where and pushes Bond outta the plane with no 'chute. James nosedives to the pilot and steals his fucking 'chute midair! Then Jaws tries to grab him, but fails and falls into a circus tent (presumably surviving). M & Q call James in and send him to California to see Drax, the company and dude who built the shuttle.
This hot pilot gives him a tour, then introduces him to Drax who couldn't be more of a douche. Then he's sent off with Holly Goodhead an astronaut. She shows him a centrifuge and Drax's main bodyguard Chang tries to kill James by turning up the juice. But James uses this wrist gun Q gave him to put the ki-bosh on that plan.
Then James bangs the pilot and splits to investigate. She comes in & helps him find a glass vial made in Venice in the safe, but Chang spots them. The next morning, James is invited shoot quail with Drax, and instead he shoots a sniper out of a fucking tree foiling another attempt on his life. Then he splits. Then Drax sics his dogs on the pilot and she's history. Bond sees Goodhead in Venice, and is like, wtf? and then he gets chased by Drax's droogs thru the canals. His gondola transforms into like a hovercraft and he escapes driving it thru the famous Piazza San Marcon. After he finds this lab, and snoops around, these scientists drop one of the vials and kill themselves. So he figures out that the vials contain some deadly gas. He stashes one in his pocket. Then Chang tries to kill him. He throws him out a fucking window. Then he bangs Goodhead & tells her he knows she's with the CIA. Then Drax makes a call to hire Jaws. Then he tries to bust Drax, but Drax moved all his shit to Rio De Janeiro. M and the other head MI-6 dude are pissed and embarrassed, but Bond gives M the vial for Q to analyze. M says go to Rio and don't come back until shit is savvy. So Bond goes to Rio, and immediately bangs his hot contact Manuela. Then he catches up with Goodhead again, after she split on him in Venice. They are trying to get down off a mountain, and Jaws attacks them on a cable car. They kick his ass, and Jaws gets rescued by this tough scandinavian blonde chick. They fall in love. Then James is rolling around in the grass with Goodhead and they're captured by Drax's henchman. But Goodhead gives the dude the eyes in the back of the ambulance while Bond kicks a fire extinguisher making it go off in the dudes face. Then they roll out the back on a hill, and the dude crashes into a billboard. Bond has escaped. He reports back to MI-6 in Brazil dressed like Eastwood in Fist Full of Dollars, and they tell him the gas comes from a rare orchid deadly to humans found on the Amazon river. Bond goes looking for it, and is chased by Jaws and more dicks. James shoots bombs out of his fancy boat, and then takes off in a fucking hang glider before the boat goes over these huge waterfalls. Jaws goes over. James finds Drax's hideout, filled to the brim with trim if you know what i mean. Then Jaws grabs him, takes him to watch the show. 4 Moonrakers take off, and they tie James and Goodhead to the bottom of the 5th one and Drax explains that he stole the other shuttle cause one of his others had faulty wiring or something. They plan to burn the agents up on liftoff. James of course escapes, and the two jump aboard the 6th shuttle. Then while all of the are going into space...(luckily Goodhead had all that astronaut training) they dock on a space station that doesn't show up on the radar. You finally hear Drax explain his plan to bring all these genetically "perfect" couples to the space station to start a new "master race", ejecting all the globes of poison gas around the earth to kill everyone else and replace them with his new "race". James and Goodhead go up and disable the radar jamming thing. Then when they are caught, James asks Drax one last thing, "will everyone not meeting standards be annihilated too?" And Jaws freaks out cause of his teeth, and "Dolly's" glasses, and their weird heights, so he just starts beating the shit outta the guards. Then theres a huge space battle with laser guns. I forgot to mention a huge snake fight, and the one agent using a laser gun to melt a mexican dummy's head. Then they have to go collect the poison globes, and escape, and goddamnit, just rent it, ok? Its incredible.

new tshirt design

bad/awesome flixxx review: Trancers (1985)

"His name is Deth. He hunts Trancers. Even in the 20th Century." Such is the tag line of this totally amazing flick that I remember hearing about years ago either on like Joe Bob Brigg's Drive-In Theater or USA's Up All Nite with either Gilbert Godfried or Rhonda Sheridan. Hopefully it was Sheridan. Rrrowr.



Totally got more than I bargained for with this little gem. I do remember hearing about it, but at the time not giving a shit. How was I to know that this flick resembles the same kind of sci fi noir vibe of any Philip K. Dick book (of whom which I'm currently obsessed with)? Much like a cross between Blade Runner and Terminator, the story starts out with a "trooper" dressed in long beige detective duster coat named Jack Deth. He's out checking for "Trancers" in the 23rd century with a pistol and a little device he slaps on their wrists. Trancers are people whos minds are taken over by a criminal psychic named Martin Whistler. So somehow, after catching and 'retiring' a trancer, the three main judges in Angel City (LA in the future) call a meeting with Jack. They tell him that somehow Whistler has found a way to be ported from his own body back into one of his ancestors bodies back in 1985. There he plans to kill the ancestors of the judges who put him away. So they are freaking out and decide to send Jack back in time to save their own lives. Before he splits, he shoots the body of Whistler so that he can't be sent back "down the line". If Jack kills him in the past, hopefully he'll be stuck and die. Then they give Jack a special watch that gives him a "long second" in case he gets in trouble. He can push a button on it and slow down time and possibly escape a sticky situation. This is very reminiscent of the package given to the dude trying to save his wife and the religious figure in Philip K. Dick's book Counter Clock World. So he splits back to 1985 and hunts down Whistler. His ancestor's girlfriend just happens to be Helen Hunt. She's pretty bangin in the flick, but then again, she's always been pretty bangin. No reason to tell any more really, I highly recommend looking up this super bad awesome title. For a little more info, I looked it up, and there's been 5 sequels so far, all staring Tim Thomerson as Jack Deth except for Trancers 6 which was supposedly about his daughter. And everyone says its dogshit. There is a petition online to get Charles Band, the original director to direct Trancers 7, which some dude wrote a screenplay for. I signed it b/c fuck it, you know? If you want to sign it, go here: TRANCERS 7
Enjoy partyers! and thanx for the comments and suggestions! Keep em coming!!
yrs, Valient Himself

bad/awesome flixxx review: Conquest (1983)

perhaps the WORST WORST movie I've ever seen EVER. with probably the BEST movie posters I've ever seen. I seriously started and tried to get through this movie over 10 times with no success... until today. Separating the men from the boys, I give you Lucio Fulci's CONQUEST.



well, where to start. wow. wow wow wow. First of all, this is the foggiest movie of all time, and I'm not just talking about the script. They must've filmed with fog machines running constantly. The landscapes in the flick are beautiful. Apparently Fulci split to Mexico to film most of the scenes. There's some cool shit in the beginning where they film a scene twice, once with the actors and once with just the background so that they could fade the actors away and make it look like a dream. It starts off with this old man giving his son (Illias) a bow that was handed down from Kronos. And its a magic bow, but the kid has to learn how to use it so he can shoot lasers from it. Then cut to a scene where there are some hill people praying to the sun, and this chick (Okrun) is standing on the hill and chanting, so everyone thinks she is the one making the sun rise. She is mostly naked and wears a Golden Destro mask like from GI Joe. Ok, so when the sun comes up, her henchman, which are dudes in black destro masks, dudes in monkey masks, and some talking werewolves chase the hill people into a cave and ask them for a sacrifice. This old man is like, "take me" and the werewolf goes "no way, we only like young flesh" and then smashes the old man's head open and it looks like a pizza! Then they grab this naked chick who's covered in gray paint, and they rip her in half by pulling her legs apart. Then they take her head back to Okrun, who smashes the head open and drinks the brains out like a crunk chalice. Then the werewolves smoke this powder, and blow some into Okruns nose, and then she masterbates with a snake, and has a vision of Illias with no face shooting her chest open with a laser arrow. AND THATS ALL IN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES!! so you can see how i THOUGHT this was gonna be a killer flick. I was wrong. ok, so then we see this hill chick by the water, and a snake is about to get her, but Illias shoots it thru the head with an arrow, with henchman watching him. They are blown away by his bow, and they decide to steal it. The chick runs away, and they attack him. Then this old guy comes outta no where with some weird rabbit foot nunchucks and beats the shit outta the werewolves.



the old dude is named Mayx. He's a traveler with babes here and there. He has fake birds that fly around a show him the way. The chick tries to kill them over and over, trapping them in caves and whatever. Then when she fails, she transforms this dog into this ultimate killing god who looks like he raided Rob Halfords wardrobe. His name is Zora. Zora sends a bunch of water mummies and snow gleeps to try and kill our heros, and eventually they kill Illias, but when Okrun tries to eat his brains, his eyes open proving his spirit lives on. This was achieved when Mayx burned his body and covered his own body in his ashes. Then he just goes to the hill, and summons the bow, which flies thru the air into his hand and bang, he kills her and she and Zora turn back into wolf dogs, and run away into the sunset. Fuck man. If you love burning poisoned pussy skin boils, fighting shapeshifters, creepy ol snow gleeps, snake masterbation, wookie-like werewolves, titties, ambushes, and laser arrows, well, download this somewhere.



and if you can't find it, don't worry, i could probably be arrested for boring you all to death if you could actually make it through it. Ladies and gentleman, the worst movie I've ever seen. thank you.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Deadbeat At Dawn (1987)

Pretty much the total opposite of the last movie I reviewed (Rockers), this movie is not awesome at all, and almost 100% bad. let's say it's 99% terrible, but still has just enough moments of excellence that make it perfect for review. Dudes and other dudes, i present you with DEADBEAT AT DAWN.



Man, this is a stinker. Don't get me wrong, there's enough shit in here to keep me interested, but its pretty fucking heinous. Often suggested (many times by my old buddy Raf) Deadbeat At Dawn is set in Dayton, Ohio, and even though it was written, directed, and produced by the main character Goose (Jim Van Bebber) in 1987, it looks like it was made after the apocalypse happened. I mean I've seen old footage of Akron, but you really start to get a feel for these old burned out cities when watching this flick. The story starts out with a chick speaking with a psychic. She says something that doesn't matter at all, basically you're supposed to dig that this chick is into some voodoo shit. Then when she's trying to split, this bad looking dude grabs her and forces her into a car. The dude is Danny, the leader of a gang called the Spiders. The chick is Christie, the girlfriend of Goose, the leader of rival gang- The Ravens. A cop saves the Christie, but Danny gets away. Then, word gets back to The Ravens and they go to the cemetary to make a move on the Spiders. Danny hates the fucking Ravens bad. So Danny and Goose have it out knife fight style in the cemetary. Goose gets his hand and face cut, but he beats the shit out of Danny. Everyone gets away. Christie cleans Goose up, but then he splits and beats a dude up and steals a motorcycle. Christie tells him she's gonna leave him if he doesn't quit the life. So he says fuck it, and quits the Ravens. Then he goes out to make one last deal (selling a huge block of speed) so that they'll have some bread to start a new life. While he's out, 2 of Danny's goons go over to the pad and murder Christie. On the way over, some of the best dialogue EVER happens which is this:

ok, so then Goose wraps her bloody carcass in a sheet and throws her in a fucking trash compactor! Then he goes across town and breaks into his dad's apartment which is just fucking filthy. His dad is a fucked up Vietnam Vet who is freaking out and turns out to be a junkie. Heavy scene showing him shooting up into his toes made me gag. Then Goose is all feeling sorry for himself, and he tries to kill himself, but his 2nd in command (who's now the leader of the Ravens) shows up and beats the crap out of him and tells him the gangs have now joined forces and theyre gonna rob an armored car. And I won't ruin the ending for ya, but there's a good bit of ass kicking and blood splattering left. The budget was low, so you don't get a dude thrown into a moving train like you REALLY want... but there are some dream sequences with dead girlfriend skeletons, and snakes everywhere, and some nunchucks, and throwing stars... Not sure how to rate this one. I mean, it WAS torture to sit through, but that's sort of the criteria for this, isn't it? Wow, I don't know. I'll bet if i didn't watch this totally sober, it may have been better. How can I sum this movie up? Two words: Kaleidascope transitions.