Monday, September 14, 2009

bad/awesome flixxx review: ZARDOZ, & Damnation Alley

first off RIP Jim Carroll & Patrick Swayze & Henry Gibson.  Helluva week.
now, i really have a couple stinkers for ya tonight.  One is TOTALLY AWESOME, and one is fucking garbage.  the first flick that i watched was a film entitled ZARDOZ.  Holy shit. check the trailer:
So, Sean Connery stars in a 1974 future vision by John Boorman.  He's the dude who did Deliverance.  In this flick a giant stone head god named Zardoz comes flying outta the sky to the countryside and screams that "the gun is good and the penis is bad" "go forth and kill"  to a bunch of "Brutals".  These "brutals" are the chosen killers tho, called "exterminators".  then it pukes up a bunch of guns.  Connery stows away in the thing and then blasts this dude who's inside.  The guy's like: "you idiot." Then it crashes and "Zed" (his name in the flick) goes into the nearest town which happens to be the secret town of the Eternals.  Turns out all the rich people got together when one doctor figured out how to make it possible to live forever.  But they left the "brutals" or poor people out in the world to grow them crops.  "zardoz" traded guns for grain.  anyway, these "Eternals" live forever so there's no need to fuck anymore, so theyre all bored as hell, and some of them become "apathetics" or even worse, "renegades".  The chicks who find Zed are fighting cause some want to kill him, some want to learn from him, and some want to fuck him.  So he's got the whole hen house in an uproar.  Weird scenes though, like him licking another dudes hand mess with your mind even more than the constant barrage of psychedelic wardrobe and neat 70s camera tricks.  Anyway, i don't wanna ruin it, but there are so many things about this flick that makes me wonder why i haven't seen it until now. You've got connery w/ an amazing ponytail and basically a diaper running around shooting dudes in the head and raping women, an ultimate paradise setup that tries desperately to get some sort of message across about technology and i don't know, cutting an all knowing diamond up into pieces and implanting them into yr forehead to become a part of the all knowing consciousness or "tabernacle".  There's something to do with "man behind the curtain" and the joy of bringing death to those with infinite life.  You've got it all here folks, boobs, murder, gods, scifi, guns, infinity, a weird jester dude w/ a sharpie painted beard, unbelievably cool future envisioned technology, and about 2 hours worth of crazy camera angles.  See this at all cost.

Now on the opposite end of the spectrum.  A turd that was once believed to have the possibility to outsell Star Wars: Damnation Alley.

1977 flick about survivors of World War III.  ok, so this film has Jan Michael Vincent (Airwolf), George Pepard (The A-Team), & Jackie Earl Haley (Bad News Bears).  And you would think w/ the star power that it would be pretty rad, but basically... nothing happens the whole time.  This clip is about as hectic as it gets.  Jan Michael V & Pepard are the 2 military dudes in the bunker when the shit goes down after the ruskies fire the big one.  Earth is decimated.  So they survive in the bunker.  Then some asshole passes out after beating off to a playboy? (seriously that's a stretch.  i thought people read that for the articles.  Its classy right?)  but he drops a smoke, and blows the whole thing skyhigh.  Luckily like 5 dudes escape, and decide to drive to Buffalo, NY in these Crazy armored tank vehicles.  One gets f'd up in a heinous storm right away.  Then they drive.  Then they fight giant scorpions.  then they drive.  then they find a chick.  then they drive.  then they fight killer cockroaches.  then they drive.  then they find a kid.  then they drive.  then they fight rednecks.  then they drive.  then they get to buffalo.  then everyone is happy.  the end.  WASTE of valuable time wasting.  ok... more soon lovers.

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