Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: True Romance (1993)

"No thanks? What does that mean? Means you ate before you came down here? All full. Is that it? Naw, I don't think so. I think you're too scared to be eatin'. Now, see we're sittin' down here, ready to negotiate, and you've already given up your shit. I'm still a mystery to you. But I know exactly where your white ass is comin' from. See, if I asked you if you wanted some dinner and you grabbed an egg roll and started to chow down, I'd say to myself, "This motherfucker's carryin' on like he ain't got a care in the world. Who know? Maybe he don't. Maybe this fool's such a bad motherfucker, he don't got to worry about nothin', he just sit down, eat my Chinese, watch my TV." See? You ain't even sat down yet. On that TV there, since you been in the room, is a woman with her breasteses hangin' out, and you ain't even bothered to look. You just been clockin' me. Now I know I'm pretty, but I ain't as pretty as a couple of titties." - Drexl

"In Jailhouse Rock he was everything rockabilly's about. I mean, he is rockabilly. Mean, surly, nasty, rude. In that movie he couldn't give a fuck about nothing except rockin' and rollin', living fast, dying young and leaving a good-looking corpse." - Clarence

"Sicilians are great liars. The best in the world. I'm Sicilian. My father was the world heavy-weight champion of Sicilian liars. From growing up with him I learned the pantomime. There are seventeen different things a guy can do when he lies to give himself away. A guys got seventeen pantomimes. A woman's got twenty, but a guy's got seventeen... but, if you know them, like you know your own face, they beat lie detectors all to hell." - Coccotti

This is a badass fucking flick. I remember hearing about it when i came out. My older buddies had seen it, they talked about Tarantino's writing, we all went to see PULP FICTION, but I never went back to see this one. The cast alone is worth giving it a shot no matter who wrote and directed it. But... written by Quentin Tarantino, directed by Tony Scott, and starring Christian Slater, Patricia Arquette, Dennis Hopper, Brad Pitt, Christopher Walken, Gary Oldman, Michael Rapaport, Val Kilmer, Bronson Pinchot, Chris Penn, Samuel L. Jackson and James Gandolfini, you have to see TRUE ROMANCE!!!

SPOILER WARNING!!!! YOU SHOULD JUST WATCH THIS ONE, TELLIN' YA NOW, BUT IF YOU DON'T CARE, GO AHEAD & READ ON... We meet our protagonist in a diner on his birthday trying to pick up a chick by discussing his favorite person: Elvis. He eventually asks her to watch a triple feature of Sonny Chiba STREET FIGHTER flicks and she turns him down. We're in Detroit, and the narrator is a lady named Alabama. She wanders into the theater where "Clarence" is watching the flicks. She spills popcorn on him and they go eat some pie after the movies. Later he shows her the comic shop he works in and then they go fuck. Afterwards he wakes up to her crying outside his window and she confesses that she's a call girl on her fourth day at work and is upset that she really likes him and doesn't really want to be fucking for a living. They go get married and Clarence decides to pay her pimp a visit and get her things. He often speaks to Elvis when he's pissing. Elvis tells him to kill her pimp. We see a scene where her pimp Drexl (Oldman) doublecrosses some drug dealers and steals a suitcase full of cocaine.

Clarence goes & confronts Drexl (my fav character) and ends up killing him and grabbing what he thinks is Alabama's things. When he realizes its the coke, he goes and asks his father (Hopper) for help. His pop tells him the cops probably don't care, they think it was gang related. Clarence decides to go see his old friend in LA to unload the coke for $200,000 and then head to Mexico. Christopher Walken and some mob goons come to see Clarence's dad & tell him to give them up. He never does but has a very memorable scene about an eggplant and a cantaloupe. Unluckily for Clarence he left the address in Cali on the fridge.

Clarence & Alabama arrive at his old buddy Dick Ritchie's house. An aspiring actor with a stoner crashing on his couch, they expect that Ritchie will know someone to sell the coke to. Ritchie freaks but admits he does know someone even though its a long shot. They contact Elliot who is the righthand man for a director named Donowitz. Elliot sets up a meeting and then gets busted with a sample of the blow. The cops want to Elliot to help them bust whoever is involved in what looks to be a huge deal going down. Elliot agrees to dodge jail time. Meanwhile Walken sends goons to get the coke and kill anyone who gets in the way. Gandolfini finds Alabama alone in their hotel room after getting info from Pitt the stoner.

Gandolfini beats the shit out of Alabama and she only barely gets the jump on him killing him right before Clarence shows back up. He helps her cover her cuts and bruises and they go to do the deal. Clarence almost makes Elliot give up the wire by putting a gun to his head in the elevator. Cops and mob goons all converge on the hotel room where the deal is going down. Donowitz is so taken with the compliments by Clarence that he is full on ready to buy the coke. The pigs and the mob both bust into the room at the same time. We are at a standstill until Donowitz figures out that Elliot has betrayed him. He throws coffee in his face and then gets shot and then all hell breaks loose. I'll spare you the very ending if you haven't seen it, this one is important. Make it happen. Only a Sonny Chiba triple feature sounds better.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Black Dog (1998)

"ATF - what does that stand for? "Alcohol, Tobacco and Fuck-ups?"" - Agent Ford

"I know I shouldn't drink apple juice. It gives me gas." - Wes

"One fart and you're walkin'." - Earl

My old man loves this movie. Nothing about it said that it would be awesome to me... EXCEPT for the fact that it stars Meatloaf and ... (North Carolina's own) RANDY TRAVIS!! And Patrick Swayze if you wanna get technical. TECHNICALLY he's the star, but really WHO IS the star of this movie? Is there a star? Is there anything better than explosions and big rigs? Ill let you decide as I present BLACK DOG!!!

In the beginning there is some dude running a load of guns in what looks to be Charlotte NC judging from the public transit markings on the buses that are wrecked in the ensuing chase. So feds are about to make their move on the truck when some ATF officers mess the whole thing up. They may have gotten the guns, "but they didn't get the dealer and they didn't get the buyer" is the concern of the FBI agent. This begins a battle between the two parties throughout the movie. When that load is messed up, the guy buying the load of guns needs another driver and Patrick Swayze plays a truck driver named Jack Crews.

Now Jack Crews has just gotten out of jail and lost his CDL for vehicular manslaughter. He was driving super late and trying to make it home for his little girl's baseball game or something and saw what driver's call the "black dog". He then ran off the road and killed a couple who's car was on the shoulder. Crews boss asks him to run this load for him for some extra cash. Crews declines the offer until he finds out that his house is waaay behind on payments because his wife screwed up the bills while he was in the joint. So against her wishes, he flies from new jersey to atlanta to run the shipment, whatever it is, no questions asked.

When he gets there he picks up the load of "toilets" from Red (Meatloaf) and is given a rider (Randy Travis) and 2 dudes in a Camaro to follow for protection. In about five minutes someone is already trying to hijack the load, and what blows my mind is that its Red who's trying to hijack the load. He had the load in the first place, why didn't he just keep it? Doesn't make any sense to me that he should have to go the trouble to hijack it, when he's not disguising his identity, if he got the load, they'd know who it was anyway... so I don't know. Didn't make any sense. But he keeps failing, like he tries 3 or 4 times, getting a bunch of his goons killed in the process. Then we find out someone is feeding him information, and Crews gets suspicious of the dudes he's traveling with. No one trusts anyone.

Turns out the black guy is an inside man for the feds and he gets killed. Wes, the other guy was an inside man for Red and they put him and the tracer on a different truck headed back south. The Buyer kidnaps Crews wife and daughter and Crews comes up with a plan. Wes has the feds call Crews when they catch him and Crews informs them of the real situation. When Crews goes to make the trade, the guns for his family, the feds bust them and all is well right? No, wrong, as Crews goes to drive the rig back to the impound after being rewarded with his CDL license again, Red shows up and tries to kill his family and ends up blowing his own ass sky high. Should you see this? Probably not necessary, unless you love rednecks, trucker flicks, randy travis, meatloaf, or bad flicks in general. So yes.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Time Bandits (1981)

"If I were creating the world I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, Day One!" - Evil

"I should do something very extroverted and vengeful to you. Honestly, I'm too tired. So, I think I'll transfer you to the undergrowth department, brackens, more shrubs, that sort of thing... with a 19% cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time." - Supreme Being

"God isn't interested in technology. He cares nothing for the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time, forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men! Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?" - Evil

This is a flick that a ton of my friends saw when they were growing up, but its taken me years to finally see it. If you're a fan of Monty Python or time travel or midgets, then you're gonna love this. From director Terry Gilliam, and starring most of the cast of Monty Python, Sean Connery and Shelly Duvall, I present TIME BANDITS!!!

So there's this English kid named Kevin and his parents don't pay any attention to him. His dad is a prick who can't be bothered by his son and gets super pissed when he makes any noise at all. One night Kev is lying in bed when a fucking knight on horseback bursts through his closet door and runs off down a field. He hides his eyes and when he opens them again his bedroom is back to normal, and then his dad comes and screams at him for making a racket. He decides that if this shit happens again he'll be ready.

So the next night when he jumps in bed, he has a polaroid camera but instead of a knight busting through the closet, about 6 midgets fall from his ceiling, and then they push on his wall and it goes further than even the house is long. Kev is reluctant to follow them down the new hallway in his house until this huge glowing head pops into his room demanding that the midgets return the space map they stole from him. Then he books it, and they run into a little doorway that dumps them into Italy during an invasion by Napoleon. It turns out that the midgets used to work for the "Supreme Being", but they stole his map because they didn't feel appreciated. So they steal a bunch of loot from Napoleon and narrowly escape into the time of Robin Hood, who in turn gives their loot to the poor. Kevin gets mad at them throughout the movie because he has no interest in being a robber, but the boys need him because he's smarter than all of them. Meanwhile the ultimate Evil being is watching them all the while so that he can steal the time map for himself.

Kevin gets separated from the boys and ends up in Greece and helps Agemmemnon kill the minotaur. Then he tells him that he has no home, so Agemmemnon adopts him for his own, and Kevin is down because his parents care more about new microwaves and dishwashers than they do him. But soon the boys come to his "rescue" and then he's super pissed at them, because he would've eventually become a king if he had've stayed there. They next end up on the titanic and when it sinks, Evil manipulates one of them to suggest they go to the "time of legends" (which is where he lives). They get there and then they're stuck behind an invisible force field. When they bust through it they find the Castle of Ultimate Darkness. They ultimately get locked up in it in a cage above a bottomless pit. Kev finds more time portals in the pic he took of them and the map. So they escape by swinging on ropes out of the cage.

Ok, so Evil thwarts their attempts to defeat him and he has them right where he wants them until ... well, why should I spoil it for you? Let's just say that the end reminds me of an old episode of the Twilight Zone. Should you see it? Yeah, apparently its essential. I never knew that, but if you're young, I'm pretty sure its better than if you're in your thirties seeing it for the first time. Great flick though.

Rocknowledgy Double Jam Sesh!!! Two Episodes just for you!!!

Alahoyus troo believers! Its been months since I've had a podcast up! i don't want to hold you up from rocking, lots to tell, much to do. My present for you this year is 2 episodes in a row since I've been away so long. They aren't xmas episodes, if you want that, go back to episode 19. These are 2 new shows with jams cranked full throttle. This is part one, get it while its hot....

Episode 36 playlist:
T6K- intro,
Orang-utan- Chocolate Piano,
Everybody- Seeing Isn't Believing #2,
The Standells- Sometimes Good Guys Don't Wear White,
Status Quo- Spinning Wheel Blues,
Dag Nasty- Justification,
Irma Thomas- Ruler of My Heart,
Avail- Lombardy St.,
Biz Markie- Busy Doin' Nuthin',
Excelsior- My Posse Don't Do Homework,
Edgar Broughton Band- Evil,
George Kranz- Din Daa Da,
Saint Vitus- Born Too Late,
Funkadelic- Who Says A Funk Band Can't Play Rock Music,
Donald Fagen- The Weather In My Head,
T6K- outro,
Wino- Adrift


You can download episode 36 heeeeerrrreeee and 37 as well...

AAAAANNNDDD happy holidaze from me and the T-6000! This is part 2 of our xmas gift to yall, the Thorriors and Rocknowledgists of the world. In this episode- I ANNOUNCE A CONTEST FOR YOU THE LISTENER TO CREATE A THEME SONG FOR ROCKNOWLEDGY!! Yes, listen, write, and record a theme song for Rocknowledgy, and I'll play them on the air! Contest ends Jan. 31st, so get crackin!. Oh, and yes we certainly crank more jams...

Episode 37 Playlist:
T6K intro,
Charisma- C. Rock,
English Dogs- Survival of The Fittest,
Sonic Youth- Jams Run Free,
The Convocation- Solitaire,
Annhilation Time- Imaginary Mirror,
Truth and Janey- Down the Road I Go,
Tweak Bird- Bunch O' Brains,
Excel- You're Life, My Life,
(the) Melvins- We Are Doomed,
76% Uncertain- Another,
The Dead Milkmen- Dark Clouds Gather Over Middlemarch,
Cher- Gypsies, Tramps, & Thieves,
Dragon Sound- Against The Ninja,
Tony T.S. McPhee- Dog Me Bitch,
The Gun Club- Sex Beat,
Polvo- Every Holy Shroud,
T6K-outro,
Chubb Rock- Treat 'Em Right


it can be downloaded at the above link!
AAAAANNNNDDDDD if you're looking for more stuff, I recently guested on two podcasts:

Blag from the Dwarves had me on his podcast:
http://www.radiolikeyouwant.com/podcast960.php?strPodcast=121101ValientThorr
the download link is on that page!!

and Doctor Foxmeat had me interview Elvira for his podcast!!:
http://foxmeatradio.podbean.com/2012/10/29/dr-foxmeats-radio-show-episode-10/
the link to download is on that page.... word!!

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Miami Connection (1987)

"Listen to me. I don't want to have any trouble. I just get the job from agent. Don't bother us." - Mark

"They don't make buns like that down at the bakery." - Tom

" This doesn't look like the welcome wagon." - Tom

This was a real treat. It's not everyday that you get the chance to see a resurrected piece of "cinema trash" in a beautiful old theater and hang with the director. I first heard about this movie only a few months back when Alamo Drafthouse decided to pick it up and give it limited release in select theaters across the country. Less than a month ago I heard they were going to give it a midnight showing at the legendary Byrd Theater in Richmond, Virginia. I thought for sure I could find someone who would want to go with me, but I ended up checking it out solo and couldn't have had a better experience! It was everything you want out of a bad/awesome movie: unintentionally funny dialogue, blood, ninjas, new wave synth rock band that are also blackbelts, the list goes on. Grandmaster Y. K. Kim wrote, directed, and starred in MIAMI CONNECTION!!!

Ok, so from what I can tell, there's a big drug smuggling operation going down in Miami that is using a local gang to distribute up in Orlando. They are using a biker gang to be enforcers up there, and they are using ninjas on top of that if the bikers fuck up. Some of these gang members have a gig at a local bar with their band. This band loses their local gig to this new hit sensation group Dragon Sound. They are a bunch of Tai Kwon Do blackbelts and are also students at the University of Central Florida in Orlando. Somehow a deal goes wrong and one of the head dudes in the drug game flies out from somewhere in Asia, its hard to tell where from, because they dubbed him with Sly Stallone's voice. He comes out and invites one of the head gang dudes to his local dojo to find out what happened.

It turns out that whatever happened first doesn't matter anymore, because now one of the members of Dragon Sound is banging the gang leader's sister and has asked her to join the band. She's singing for them now, and the gang dude doesn't like it. The head Asian ninja dude tells him he better take care of it. So the gang dudes try to surround Dragon Sound, but DS kicks the shit out of them. Then the band that lost their gig tries to pick a fight with the boys, but they too get their asses kicked. So the band gang tells the local gang they should team up and then after we learn of Jim's father's disappearance (one of the funniest scenes in the flick) the teamed up gangs try again in vain to beat up Dragon Sound.

All the while this is going on, Dragon Sound are hanging out in their underwear together in a very non believable hetero way. They jam at the club on the reg and their songs are completely classic. "Defeat the Ninja" and "Friends till the end" are the best. You would think with so much going on, these tai kwon do masters would fall behind in their studies... but NO! They are seen going to and from class having a super fun time! This really is a weird fucking flick. Finally the head dude comes out and says no more bullshit, and then he gets killed in a street fight. The dude in the band banging his sister is like, "sorry", and she's like, "it's okay, I know it had to be done, whatever." !!! Insane.

Finally the Sly Stallone Asian guy goes out with a ton of bikers, over to one of their parties, and they're all drinking beer off the titties of all these gross chicks, and the best part was when I was watching this in the theater, and everyone is laughing, and there is this dude and his 8 year old son in front of me, and the dad is looking over at the son, and trying to gauge how much trouble he's going to be in with his wife, or if he's going to have to have a conversation with him on the way home. You could almost read his mind. He just busted out laughing as hard as he could. It was great. Then the Sly Stallone guy is sad because his general is dead and then he sends the ninjas after Dragon Sound and they fight in what looks to be some public park, but its so rad. Arms getting chopped off, full on katana blades. It's incredible. And, I'll save the ending for you because its too great to give away. Ok, yes, yes, find a copy and gather the boys, this one is soon to be one of the all time classic "WTF" flicks.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Legend Of Billie Jean (1985)

"When you rich, food ain't supposed to taste like what it really is." - Ophelia

"I thought it was awesome, this guy was chasing Billie Jean up the stairs, she turnd around and kicked him in the nuts and kept on running, I thought it was hilarious. Billie Jean if you're out there, I love you!" - Teen

"$608 dollars for the scooter your son trashed. That's what you owe, and we're NOT turnin' ourselves in til we get it. Fair is fair! We didn't start this, we didn't mean it to happen, but we're not givin' up til you pay. FAIR IS FAIR!" - Billie Jean

This is a classic. In some circles (from this movie alone) Helen Slater qualified to be plastered up on young men's bedroom walls like Farrah Fawcett was on their father's before them. A film about rednecks. Rednecks stealing motorscooters, and other rednecks who get mad and try to do something about it. But sometimes nothing can be done. And sometimes you're pushed so far that even though nothing can be done, somehow, you vow to find a way. Fair is fair. Helen Slater, Her real life brother Christian Slater, and annoying as hell Yeardly Smith in THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN!!!

In Corpus Christi a young girl and her younger brother go out for a spin on his brand new Honda scooter. He probably had to save for a long while to get it because they make in known that they are a poor family that lives in a local trailer park. A local jerk businessman's son and his friends all tease them and the son (Hubie) wants to bang the girl (Billie Jean). The brother (Binx) embarrasses Hubie and they speed off to a local watering hole. This always made me wonder, they must live kind of far out of town in Corpus Christi, or else the movie must not have been made entirely in Corpus. Because I've never seen a forest around with a lake like that anywhere near there, but I'll admit, I'm not expert on the city, it just seems like it was out of place. Anyway Hubie and his friends steal the scooter and Billie Jean and Binx find it later beat all to hell.

Billie Jean goes to the cops and tells them what happened, but the cop brushes it off. Binx goes to get it himself, and Hubie beats the shit out of him. Billie Jean goes and gets it fixed and then goes to confront Hubie with the bills at his father's store. Hubie calls bullshit and then gets kneed in the groin. The father tries to save face by sending the boy away and then motions for Billie Jean to come upstairs to get paid. Then when she's up there he tries to rape her and says she'll get paid little by little by coming back and fucking him over time. Her brother and two other trailer park kids Ophelia and Putter (Ophelia because she can drive her dad's station wagon) bust in and Binx grabs cash and a gun out of the register. When B.J. and the old man come downstairs, Binx points the gun and then it goes off and shoots the dude in the shoulder. The kids all bail.

So they're on the run and the cop realizes he blew it. They try to get the money at the mall but Hubie's dad has Hubie jump out and try to apprehend them and blows the whole deal and Binx ends up pulling a fake gun on the copper who is trying to help them. By now big time fugitives, they break into this house in a rich neighborhood and by now everyone knows whats happening. This kid named Lloyd is home and he lets them eat and go swimming and shows them a movie about Joan of Arc. B.J. cuts off her hair and makes a video to be broadcast telling them they want their money or they'll never turn themselves in. It gets shown all over town and girls start cutting their hair in support of B.J. The shop owner starts selling tons of merch with B.J.'s pic on it. He's a fucking slimeball. Lloyd offers himself to be a hostage and they don't know it but he's the local D.A.'s son. So it gets serious. They tell them to give themselves up so no one gets hurt.

Billie Jean comes up with a plan for them to turn themselves in, but I'll let you see how the whole thing turns out. This movie probably made Pat Benatar a goddamned gillionaire. Should you see it? Yes, its one that you already should have.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Vampire Hunter D (1985)

"I've lived for almost ten thousand years. Believe me you have no idea what that means: boredom. Everlasting and hideous boredom. A never ending search for ways to pass the time... and mating with a human female is one of the few I enjoy. - Count Magnus Lee

"My name's Doris Lang. Do you think you'll be able to help me? Don't worry, I can pay for it. I don't have much in the way of money, but I'll give you three meals a day, and you can sleep with me if you want to." - Doris

"Go back to the castle and tell Count Lee, visitors from the past shall return to the darkness once they came." - D

Pretty awesome stuff here. I've always found it hard to get into post apocalyptic anime. Growing up watching Voltron or Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, and whatever else sort of jaded me on a lot of them. Then of course you have the classics such as this or NINJA SCROLL or AKIRA and the like. I'd be letting you down if I didn't suffer the cheese. First impression is that if you come to this one not knowing anything about the Japanese books, the biggest question you're going to be left with is... WHY THE FUCK DOES D HAVE A TALKING LEFT HAND? AND why do they not explain it AT ALL? These questions and more will be asked when you watch VAMPIRE HUNTER D!!!

So this super hot young lady is living with her annoying much younger brother on a farm that is regularly attacked by werewolves. No one mentions this, but if you're a fan of the books you're supposed to know that its the year 12,000 something and that for the last 7000 years (give or take 100) vampires have lived and ruled the humans on Earth. They are called the "nobility". Well anyway, one night Doris is out protecting her farm from what she thinks is going to be a werewolf attack when an old grandfather vampire jumps out and bites her neck. The weird thing is he doesn't take her right away. He just leaves her. She also doesn't turn into a vampire right away.

Then the son of the mayor, a jerk named Greco (think of the sons in BILLY JACK or THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN that cause so much trouble) is put in his place by Doris (who won't give him the time of day), but not before he finds out she's been bitten. Doris negotiates a deal with a rider who comes into town cloak flapping in the wind on the back of a robot horse. She offers him food, a bed, and her body in return. The guy's name is "D". He has a huge sword and we think he talks to himself, only we find out he's talking to A FACE THAT LIVES IN HIS HAND THAT SUCKS UP WIND LIKE A VACUUM. The hand chastises D for not porking Doris and we find out that D is half-man, half-vampire or a dhampir. D promises to look out for Doris and realizes quickly from his heightened senses that this vampire is a super old one that is super strong.

Count Magnus Lee is a super old vampire who has a host of mutant weirdos that work for him and he also sends his proud snotty vampire daughter out to hunt for him. When he finds out that Doris has hired a hunter to protect her, his desire to marry her only grows by leaps. He sends a space warping mutie named Rei and his daughter to kill D. That doesn't go so well. But Rei doesn't give up. Count Lee gives him a candle that is supposed to take away vampires power, but its stolen by Greco. Greco uses it to try and kidnap Doris for himself. Rei finds him and fucks him up. D kills a bunch of Rei's pals. He rescues Doris the first time and then their doctor friend who is supposed to be helping them has been bitten by Lee's daughter and turns against Doris almost raping her himself. Also there's a ton of nudity with Doris showering and trying to get D to bang her.

Finally we find out that Lee's daughter is half human half vampire too, and that she isn't as classy as she thinks. She becomes distraught and almost helps D and Doris. We also find out that D's father was Dracula and that's why he's so fucking strong and mystically powerful. We don't find shit out about his hand though. Then we have the big showdown between Count Lee and D. I'll save that for your viewing pleasure. And yes there's a sequel that came out fifteen years later. Should you see it? Yeah there are at least five to ten eighties anime flicks that everyone should check out. Find the whole thing on youtube and give it a go.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Beyond The Law (1993)

"Shut up! Don't say anything, don't do anything, just fucking sit there!" - Blood

"You're not dirty enough. You're not crazy enough." - Virgil

"Something else my grandfather told me. What a true apache had to do, when surrounded, and out-numbered by crazy white men. Give the fuck up." - Bogus Charlie

This is a true fucking stinker, but I will say that ol Charlie Sheen is looking pretty fuckin metal with his beard and hair grown out. If you like undercover cop biker flicks like STONE or STONE COLD then this is right up yer alley. Chuck Sheen, Michael Madsen, Linda Fiorentino, and a small cameo by Rip Torn in BEYOND THE LAW!!!

Why do I do this to myself? I don't know. The pain hurts so good sometimes. This one is sort of by the books. Chuck plays Dan Saxon, supposedly a true life copper who went to far in his department, got fired by a crooked sheriff and then hired by a fame hungry federal agent to go deep undercover to raid a drug and arms running gang in new mexico.

So Dan Saxon is really bad at this at first and meets this bike mechanic named Virgil and immediately confesses that he's a copper to the guy in a drunken stupor. The mechanic promises to teach Saxon the ways of the road if he'll deputize him. So they set out to make a sweet chopper, and Dan grows his hair out.

They finally go and meet the gang, who seem like fun bikers who like to get fucked up, maybe they have some weapons, maybe they do a little too much blow, maybe they fuck up a bar every once in a while, but they're not all bad, right? "Blood" wants to prove he's so badass that he kills clerk for basically nothing. Dan is deep in the shit now. Fucked up on dope now trying to prove himself and falling for a hot photographer who knows his dirty secret, Dan has to nail Blood and the gang before he goes over the edge... I mean... BEYOND THE LAW...!

Like I said, its cut and paste, non essential viewing, but at least you get to see Linda Fiorentino's tits.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Dune (1984)

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will remain." - Paul

"It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of Sapho that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion." - Piter de Vries

"I'll miss the sea, but a person needs new experiences. They jar something deep inside, allowing him to grow. Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken." - Duke Leto

SPOILER WARNING!!!!! This is a GREAT movie. We're talking top notch shit here. Why then is it listed in a "bad" movie blog? Well, the thing is here, DUNE just like BLADERUNNER, is a grown up sci fi. It's not for everyone. Some people, even me the first few times around were bored to death even before they got the giant talking brain in a glass jar which is only like ten minutes into the film! If you're looking for Star Wars, its got some of that, but it has SO much more. The names are enough to confuse anyone. I personally fell asleep trying to watch it for over ten years at least. But I waited, bided my time, and BANG... I knew I was ready. Maybe its because both of these movies WERE novels before they were written as screenplays. You can tell by the ending of this film that they were trying to fit some things in. It definitely feels rushed, BUT, that being said, if you are patient, this is an incredible incredible film. Kyle Maclachlan, Sting, and Captain Picard (and a fucking soundtrack by TOTO!!), all star in DUNE!!!!!

If you looked up or have heard anything at all about this flick, then you know it was based on the novel written by Frank Herbert. It was directed by David Lynch but he was denied final cut, so on some versions he just took his name out of it and threw a bone to old Alan Smithee. The story sounds super complicated right from the start but all you really need to know is that there is this sweet spice that everything in the universe runs on in the future. It can only be found on one desert planet and there are two families fighting to rule that planet. There is also people who live on this planet and oh yeah, super giant fucking worms. The two houses are the Atreides and the Harkonnens. The Harkonnens control Dune. Think of the Atreides as the good guys and the Harkonnens as the bad guys. But that spice I mentioned? It can make you live longer, get you stoned, and it can also "fold" space so you can be anywhere in the universe like BAM! So whoever is in charge of that planet is bigtime.

So this talking brain is part of the guild. They are the ones who "fold" space by shooting lasers out of their asses and noses (which look like vaginas), and then flying in space and creating a portal with the butt lasers. One of them goes to the Emporer who is supposedly in charge of everyone and tells them that they must kill the son of the Duke of Atriedes (or their leader). They are planning on taking control of Dune, and they have these weapons called Weirding Modules! The Duke and his wife who is a secret psychic witch had this son. The psychic witches think he is the one foretold of in this prophecy that says one will come to help all the people from the planet Arrakis (Dune). Those people are called Fremen. They hide out in the wastelands of Dune underground and wait on their leader, the foretold or the "Kwisatz Haderach". The son is named Paul and the head witch comes and gives him tests but she still doesn't know what to think of him. So they head to Dune to take over, wary that the Harkkonen may have left traps for them.

Cut to some other planet where the Harkonnen live and the main dude, the Count is getting some gnarly acne scars cleaned up off of his face. He's got some major skin disease going on. So he gets his nephews, Sting and Glosso and this other guy who has wine lips and big eyebrows to get a traitor to help them betray the Atriedes. That dude happens to be one of the main dudes over at the Atriedes camp, their weapons man over the Weirding modules- Dean Stockwell (from Quantum Leap/Blue Velvet). He betrays the Atriedes allowing Paul's father, Duke Leto to be killed. But he also put a gas tooth in Leto's mouth hoping he would bite down and kill Harkonnen. But instead it kills their wine lips guy. Apparently each family or kingdom or whatever has one. They don't explain much about them in the movie, but they seem like they drink that juice or whatever and they have some special duties they perform. Maybe like a cleric or shaman or something. The Harkonnen's troops invade and take over Dune again, and Paul and his mother are left stranded in the desert after their ship crashes. Paul uses a "thumper" to help them escape from one of the giant sandworms (or Shai Hulud) and they meet up with a huge gang of Fremen. They quickly realize that all the years hanging out with the witches and given his visions and what happens when he ingests the spice, that he must be their savior. Also his mom has her second child that she was pregnant from Duke Leto. Her name is Alia and she is born with all the knowledge that her mother and the other witches have already at birth. CREEPY!

So years go by and Paul becomes the leader of the Fremen and teaches them the weirding way and how to ride sandworms. Then he drinks the water of Life and goes into a coma. When he wakes up he realizes "THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKEN". He knows the secret. The water can kill the spice. If he destroys the spice, he will take over the planet and become ruler of the galaxy. He also sees that the shit he is about to stir up (the jihad) is going to one day be out of control and spread across the universe. But he says fuck it, and goes to attack the guys who killed his father. They destroy the mining operation that is set up so that no one can mine the spice anymore and basically brings the production to a standstill. Him and the Fremen destroy the Harkonnen troops and his lil sis Alia kills Baron Harkonnen at only four years old!! That's tough! Paul says 'hey man, its over, I'm the boss now', and Sting says 'BULL shit man, let's fight!', and they have a knife fight, but Paul is a superhuman psychic desert warrior man, you gotta more than a smooth voice and a six pack abs to defeat him. So yeah, Paul becomes the winner and Alia jumps for joy with a knife. I just got a copy of the Sci Fi miniseries, so I'm gonna do a bit of comparing and contrasting to see what's what. I think I'm in here. Probably going to start the books after I finish this Dark Tower Stephen King series. Should you see it? Absolutely. This one is classic.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Battle Beyond The Stars (1980)

"NO! Wait. Listen to the rest of it: I sleep with my back to the wall - when I CAN sleep. I eat serpents seven times a week. There's not a major city in this galaxy where I can show my face, or spend my wealth. Right now, your offer looks very attractive to me... A meal, and a place to hide." - Gelt

"I thought I had the honor of making that form extinct, long ago! I won't fail this time! Here I come, Cayman of the Lambda Zone!" - Sador

"You see, there is only one Nestor, one consciousness. As you might imagine, this has proven very lonely, very dull. We must avoid becoming... we believe you have a phrase for it... becoming "bored to death." - Nestor 1

Here we go. A little piece of magic from my second favorite producer, Roger Corman. This is an amazing "space" version of THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN, which was itself a remake of Kurosawa's THE SEVEN SAMURAI. It has an unbelievable ensemble cast including George Peppard (A-Team), Robert Vaughn, John Saxon, Sybil Danning, and John Boy from the Waltons (and IT). If you love cheesy sci fi, dig in brother. All of those characters are about to have a BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS!!!

ok, so this badass dude named Sabor of the Malmori picks out this defenseless planet and rolls his bigass ship right up to them and announces that he is taking over and they can't do anything about it. But, he'll be right back because he's got some other shit to do. So you better be cool to I get back to rule you. So, like anyone who wasn't a complete moron would do, the only old tough guy on the planet tells John Boy to get in his old ship and go find some mercenaries to fight for them since they are all pacifists. So he says cool and goes to find the old tuff guys old partner who repairs androids on some planet nearby

First lesson "Shad" must learn is that he can't be a pussy forever. "Nell" the spaceship shows him if he doesn't shoot back he's going to get his ass blown off. So they reach the first planet and the old dude's bro is now an android with a human head. But the good news is he wants Shad to bang his hot daughter. She jumps in a ship to come help Shad. Then its off and Shad meets Cowboy (Peppard) the coolest dude in the flick and the only Earthling. He drinks whiskey and sings old western jams and gives one liners. Then they find this group of dudes that are really one dudes. The clones called Nestor.

Then Shad goes and finds this badass dude Gelt. He is basically Robert Vaughn's same character from THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN. And then this tiny hot Valkyrie finds them and wants to fight somebody, so eventually they let her. John Boy's chick gets this lizard man and two small thermonuclear dudes named Kelvin to help them and they all meet up and start heading toward Shad's planet.

Sador sends troops on the ground. Cowboy gives them guns to fight Sador's troops. Then the battle in the sky gets wild. One by one each of the mercenary's dies helping push the tide in planet Akir's favor. Finally trapped, John Boy decides to blow his ship up right into Sador's ship, and splits in an escape pod. Should you worry about seeing this? Is it essential? No, but its pretty damn good. I mean the cast alone should get you psyched to check this one out. Get a pizza, or some chocolate, maybe some popcorn. Get into it.

25 postcard prints for $50!!!

Holiday Shoppers! I'm selling sets of 25 different hand drawn postcard prints for $50 (in a limited edition of 50!)- and most of the originals are there for $25! but they're going fast! http://www.etsy.com/shop/ValientHimselfsArt Prints include: Ed-209, Big Trouble, Conan, Short Circuit #5, Highlander, Enter the Dragon, Diamond Dave, Hoth Han Solo, Cologne, First Blood, Robocop, Mad Max, Daleks, Austin, Richmond, Dark Helmet, Bangkok, Creature from the Black Lagoon, Coney Island, Die Hard, Raleigh, Bloodsport, Times Square, Quebec, and the Joker. Each print is 4x6. This is a deal, and a lot of work. Get them before they are gone!!