Monday, December 28, 2009

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Octagon (1980)

Merry After Xmas folks... I finally got around to watching this, and it took me 2 sittings to stomach and force myself through it. Chuck Norris, and Lee Van Cleef in: The Octagon.

ok. i bought this @ a Flying J truckstop for 2.99. Somewhere in the middle of the country... i have no idea where, b/c all of those Flying J's, T&A's, Pilots, etc. look the same. But this one had a brand new shipment of these dvd's in the flatcards. Hundreds of them, and hardly any were the same. I only stood there for a second, and most of them looked like shit, but this one's cover stood out. How tuff does that look, right?? WRONG!!
For all intents and purposes, i think this movie is supposed to be about a training camp for terrorists run by a bunch of ninjas (who aren't supposed to exist anymore) and simultaneously led by Chuck's estranged half-brother. Ok. well, it starts off good enough, with a mansion and a car pulling out, and 2 chicks with a runaway baby carriage, when the driver jumps out to see if the baby is hurt, the chicks pull out machine guns and fucking slaughter the driver and the dude who he was driving. And they used a shit load of blood packets, so you'd think these dudes were important too, but nope, they hardly mention them again except that they were victims of a terror attack. So, next scene, we're @ some banquet for some chick, and there's our hero, and his buddy, no explanation why they are there. Norris wants the chick, at the afterparty, he says 2 words to her, then BANG! she's off for drinks with him. Ok, so only later to you get some kind of idea that there's a karate convention in town, no idea why this chick was singing at it, AND you never see any of the karate matches. I still have no idea if im right about that. They vaguely mention it, b/c everyone is hounding Chuck about not fighting b/c he "accidently" hurt someone years ago. Anyway, i forgot to mention that Chuck is a schizofrenic in this one too. Every five minutes he keeps hearing voices with an annoying double layered Echoplex that is like him arguing with himself & explaining (poorly) whether he should fight or not. So back to the "story". That chick is killed in 5 minutes (by ninja). A huge gang of rednecks are trucked out into the desert to train in the ninja style. One badass ninja keeps beating the shit out of the rednecks to "teach" them. Lee Van Cleef tries to convince Chuck to avenge the chicks death. He says no. Some old chick breaks down, and Chuck tries to help her. Then she splits leaving him stranded. He has her card so he shows up at her house. He smells a rat. He calls her bluff. She wants the ninjas killed but she's shady. The buddy falls for her, and is jealous of Chuck. He thinks Chuck is a pussy and goes after the ninja himself. Chuck tries to infiltrate the ninja school. They know who he is. He whoops some ass. A 3rd love interest redneck chick defects from the Ninja (somehow). She tells chuck she wants to help him. She takes her shirt off. He bangs her. Ninjas break in. Its taking him WAAAAY to long to "convince himself in his head that he can believe himself" that his brother Sekurya is training terrorists. Then the old chick is murdered. Then FINALLY, chuck and the 3rd chick fly to japan or wherever, and chuck goes to avenge all the chicks deaths, find his buddy and stop his brother. The last 15 minutes of the movie are all you need to watch. As a matter of fact, 99% of the trailer comes from the last 5 minutes of the flick! Then you finally get to see some explosions and whatever. It really wasnt worth it. You'll never get your time back from this one, but in its defense, i did watch this completely sober. Im sure it may have been a bit better stoned. maybe. have a great new year yall!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

bad/awesome flixxx review: William Sanderson edition (Fight For Your Life & Blade Runner)

welcome welcome. its been a while. you can easily tell the months that we are on tour by checking how many posts i put on the ol vloggg. oct/nov had one apiece. that means im busy as shit. otherwise, im just lounging around watching bad movies and painting or writing. anyway, welcome back to me. i just unintentionally watched a couple movies with ol William Sanderson in them. You may remember him from Newhart. He was Larry w/ his brother Darryl, and his other brother Darryl. Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. Remember them? he was the one who spoke. Anyway, a while ago i heard about this movie someone said i "HAD" to watch for the vloggg. I downloaded it. Yeah, i downloaded it, what of it? you'll never find the goddamn thing any other way. While we were driving thru the alps last month, i watched it. Terrible, awful, horrible racist language, yet an intruiging story that probably would NEVER be made today.

it starts out w/ a truck full of inmates getting run off the road, then the 3 of them bashing a flatfoot over his gordon when he goes to check on them. they then snake his pistol and escape to the suburbs with dreams of skipping the country to canada then flying to paris? anyway, typical plot really, i guess what makes this one so brutal is not only sandersons dialogue delivery but maybe just the fact that this is so classic grindhouse that it almost seems to good to be true. Sanderson plays the main baddy Jesse Kane, and he's a sadistic care-less motherfucker. they knock over a liquor store and this cute little black girl is buying wine for a dinner party her family is having. they kidnap her and go back to her place, and there's where the film takes its name. The family is a pacifist preacher Ted Turner's family. Theres a brief unexplained scene where apparently they are inviting the white girlfriend of their dead vet son over for this dinner. the unnecessary cut scene shows this dude making out hard with this white girl in front of a fireplace with very quick shots of their car careening around a very curvy road. its ridiculous, and i guess youre supposed to get that the mother hates this chick and blames her for their sons death in this car accident. but i digress. The preacher dad is a stick in the mud, and wont stand up to these bad dudes, kane, a chinese guy, and a spanish guy. they basically hold the family hostage, call them every racist thing they can think of, and then rape the daughter. the young sons friend almost gets to tell the cops, but gets caught and gets his face bashed in in the woods. Also, the white chick gets raped and thrown over a waterfall. well, finally Preacher "Turd Turnip" gets some balls and they get the best of Kane. He gets his neck shot off in the end. Literally. Hard to watch if you don't like racist language, and seeing little kids get smashed in the face with bricks, but pretty good if you like video nasties.

Now, remember that list of movies i was talking about last time? the one where everyone has a list of flicks that everyone has seen but you? well, i just tackled another on my list. Now, in my defense, ive tried many times to watch this one, only to pass out or just lose interest after a few moments. ive recently come to find out that many people LOVE this movie, and many consider it a piece of shit. AND that is why there are no less than 5 versions of the same movie out there. I chose to watch the very first OG version... simply because it was supposedly the closest to the book, which i just read, which made me want to finally sit down and see this fucker.
"Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" by Philip K. Dick was made into BLADERUNNER by Ridley Scott.

The reason i chose to watch the OG version was b/c everyone said this is the one that had Dekkard's narration or inner monologue. Supposedly it was cut from the newer versions. And those are all you can find on DVD. Maybe there is one of the og ones out there, but i found it on vhs for a dollar, so whatever. The Sanderson connection is that he plays JF Sebastian, instead of the counterpart in the book JR Isadore. God knows WHY he would change such a very simple name like that. The character was a bit different, but not SO much. Apparently i should watch the directors cut and the final cut too now, b/c they have different endings. hmmm. well, anyway, i guess when i was younger i wanted my sci-fi to have space battles and shit like that, and now i realize that most of these sci-fi dudes were storytellers telling grim tales of a future that COULD very well come true, because they are about ideologies rather than cowboy shootemups... i guess i can appreciate this better. I highly recommend the book, there is a whole lot more to the book, i mean they couldnt very well put a few of the parts in the flick and make it make sense, but it is pretty good... and I wanna thank Beeby for getting me into it via graphic novel, and Jason for purchasing a copy of the novel for me. Anyone not familiar with the story, here the movie version: Retired cop Dekkard was the best at retiring androids who've escaped from being slaves on mars and come back to earth where they are illegal. There are 4 he has to kill... his old boss (M. EMMETT WALSH!!) cons him into coming back to retire this latest crop- the NEXUS 6. a highly advanced model, they give him the business. and so it goes from there. i won't ruin it for ya. just try to make it through it. took me fucking years.... but i will say, i was finally worth it. MURRY XMASS EVERYBODY!!! more coming soon!