Monday, July 26, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Crippled Masters (1979)

"Two crippled brothers, one indestructable force. Revenge against all odds!!" So reads the box of our next masterpiece. For this segment of my all time favorite bad flicks, I went Black Belt Theater on yer ass. This may not be the best kung fu movie of all time, but it definitely is the weirdest, and it definitely is my favorite, and it definitely sticks out in anyone's mind who has ever seen it. A man with no arms, and a man with (sort of) no legs are- THE CRIPPLED MASTERS!!!

So, let me tell you a tale. Once there was an bad organization of bad dudes. one of them- Lee Ho, betrayed the organization. So when the flick starts, you see Lee Ho getting his arms chopped off. As a matter of fact, the first thing you see is his bloody arm dropping to the ground. Its amazing. Then the other dude (Tang) is like, "chop his other arm off..." And they do. Then he rolls down the steps, and then gets treated like shit in the restaurant, and the bouncer kicks his ass. They take him to the coffin maker, but he is still alive. The main bad guy (Lin Chang Cao) sends his right hand man (Pao) and his two main bodyguards (Black and White) to go get some coffins. They see Lee Ho, and kick his ass some more. He escapes to the woods, and is unsuccessful trying to eat rice from chickens, and after being caught eating hogslop, decides to make it in the village doing oddjobs. So then for some reason, Tang is accused of knowing too much?! and Lin Chang Cao (the evil bastard) pours acid all over Tang's legs, and they're literally turned into just bones w/ little feet on the end. Its gross. So he splits to the woods too. Too bad he runs into Lee Ho out there... Lee Ho sets out to beat the shit out of him, and the battle escalates into a cave, but luckily for Tang, they here something and find this little old man balled up inside a basket. He tells them to stop fighting and that he knows that they used to work for the organization, and that if they want to beat Lin Chang Cao, they should team up, and that he will train them. So then you have a long training montage, and then they meet up with this other dude, and well, I don't want to give away the whole thing. Let's just say, there are jewel thieves, Eight Jade Horses, Lin Chang Cao has this weird metal hump on his back, and what else? The fucking fight scenes are great. Its really well organized and choreographed for dudes with no arms and little stick legs. Wait'll you see them team up like those special transformers. Its nuts. It doesn't get much more bad/awesome than this. I should devise a rating system. Ill do that very soon. its great. that is all.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988)

ok, so I thinking about bad flicks, and I asked myself, what were my favorites growing up? What were the ones that made my hair stand on end they were so bad slash so totally incredible? Which ones deserve the treatment so to speak? And so I came up with a list of flicks that were just begging to be rewatched, and reviewed. First up on the list was a little known and (at one time) hard to find flick starring Rowdy Roddy Piper! Made the exact same year as he starred in John Carpenter's THEY LIVE... 1988 was a "hell" of a year for Piper. Here he is alongside Sandahl Bergman in HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN.

The thing about this one that sets it apart from the rest of the bad movies I usually review here, is that there is almost NO redeeming quality to it. Its pretty bad... No great one-liners like he had in THEY LIVE, the acting is pretty heinous... I guess you could say the costumes were ok. BUT... the reason this one stuck up there in the old gordon, after rewatching it- is that its a total boner story. I must have seen this on skinemax when i was like 14 or something, because Sandahl Bergman is in her bra and panties most of the flick, her "gunner" Corporal Cintranella gets naked, and they have to rescue another harem of chicks from the frogs.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Check out this awesome plot: Its after WWIII. The world is devastated, and as a result of uranium mining there are mutant frogs who live out in the outlands on reservations. Sam Hell is being investigated for porking this future cops daughter when all of a sudden this division of the army made up of chicks rescue him and agree to drop all charges against him if he'll help them impregnate a few of the only fertile women left on the earth (since he is {even rarer} one of the only virile men left on earth). He agrees, then they put like a chastity bomb on his weiner so he can't get away, and then inform him he has to bust the fertile chicks out of frogtown. To which he retorts: "Hey lady, I agreed to fuck for my freedom, but Frogtown was no part of this deal, you're crazy!"

And there ya go. Totally classic, cheeseball post-apocalyptic low budge rightousness. Plenty of machine guns, a pink vehicle that kinda looks like a fucking pt cruiser w/ a gatlin gun on top, nasty frogmen, a bit of boob action, and lots of pent up end of the world desire. Good shit. Find it. Apparently there are 3 sequels! They all look like utter dogshit. Cheers!

Monday, July 5, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Black Dynamite (2009) & Ninja Assassin (2009)

growing up, after cartoons were over on saturday mornings, the local tv stations would have matinee theater all afternoon, starting with something like "mega monster" theater, then "black belt" theater, and then maybe a blaxploitation or other genrecentric film. And I lived for them. So even though I don't often review newer flicks here, I thought I'd package both of these together since they are kind of reminiscent of the past for me. A Blax spoof/sendup and a ninja flick. here we go first with: BLACK DYNAMITE!

This movie is almost fucking perfect. In every way. They never slip you a wink or a nudge like, "haha, we're poking fun". Its very true to the Blaxploitation flicks of old, yet, spoofed in a smart way. This one I totally recommend, so as usual Ill spare you the walkthru, and just give you a brief synopsis: Black Dynamite is one bad mother. He is ex-CIA, a veteran of Nam, and generally just holds shit down, and handles business in Hollywood. When his brother is killed by the same dope fiends who are putting "a new drug" in the hands of the orphans, its just too much for Black Dynamite to take. I want to tell you more, but, suffice to say, his travels are hilarious, and the cameos are hilarious as well. A+++ dudes, wish I could say the same for this next flick...

I don't wanna start of shitting on this movie right from the beginning, as the fucking thing starts out awesome...but, well, watch the trailer. a bunch of unknowns in NINJA ASSASSIN.

Ok... my problem here is not the ass-kicking and dare I say "riki-oh" influenced gore. My problem is the need for the director (whoever) to throw in the goddamned love story. And its light at best... but for christsakes... We're talking about a ninja movie here. These dudes are supposed to be SOOOOO badass, yet they have ample opportunity to waste the chick and her fucking DUMBASS boss time and time and time again, yet somehow, they come away unscathed. I guess these ninjas are that badass after all. So, let's see, I'm halfers for it. The blood and carnage is great, but they even CGIed most of that too, so its kind of shit. I caught myself going, "oh shit!" or "goddamn!" a couple of times, but like i said... its a ninja movie! I should have been saying that over and over again. Do I need to do the plot thing? Little kid gets kidnapped into ninja organization. Years later, chick investigator uncovers centuries old plot where governments pay these clans to assassinate peeps for them. Kid could be the baddest of them all. His girlfriend is in the clan too. She rebels. They kill her. He stays with them, till he's had too much, then vows revenge. Years later, he gets it. Ho Hum. watch Black Dynamite instead. or Youth in Revolt. I know i didn't review it, but its hilarious. word.