Terror In The Swamp (1985)

"I don't know but we're trying like Hell to find out." - Frank

"Well it sounds like BULLSHIT to me" - old man

"I don't know but I sure hope we've seen the last of its kind." - Frank

WOW. This one is BAD. But... again, something persuaded me to sit through it. And even though it was grade A garbage, there was at least SOMETHING to it. I'm not sure exactly what, but it wasn't a bad story. I think maybe it was the acting and the budget. But, the story was not bad, and there's something to be said for that. Having SAID that, it still SUCKS. Filmed entirely on location somewhere in the swamps of Louisiana, this movie is so rough that it makes 1985 look like 1972. And that's no bullshit. Watch the clip below and see for yourself. There's no trailer for this thing laying around anywhere, so you'll have to get the gist from this. Starring a bunch of nobodies, and a man named Billie Holliday (who is just some guy with a famous woman singer's name) we bring you TERROR IN THE SWAMP!!!





When this begins there's literally about a 7 or 8 minute POV shot from the "terror" of the swamp. He skulking and lurking around and breathing heavy, you guessed it, in the swamp. After we finally establish that point, he murdalizes a drunk hunter in the shadows of the darkness. The next day a swamp ranger named Frank is alerted to some disturbance in the area. He goes to inspect and finds all kinds of trouble awaiting him. Enter T-Bob and Jesse, two bumbling fur trapper brothers (who run moonshine with their pa on the side). They figure something is amiss and decide to kill whatever it is. They think its some kind of bear. Frank radios the cops and then they meet up about 15 times for coffee at the coffee shop inside of the local motel.



There are some really strange asides in the movie, like Frank walking by families and saying hello before going to the cop meeting. I guess its meant to show us that this is a small community where everyone knows each other. As if you couldn't tell that for any other reason. It turns out that there are two scientist dudes, an old one and a young nerd guy who are being paid to experiment on animals down there in the swamp to try to come up with a faster way to breed and collect A LOT of cheap fur for these greasy dudes to sell in Mexico. The Mexicans meet with the scientists and tell them they need some motherfucking RESULTS NOW, or they're going to cut the scientists funding. The scientists talk to each other and we realize the younger one has fucked up somewhere along the line and injected waaaay too much growth hormone into a common Newtria (swamp rat).



So we have this Super Nutria walking around killing people in the swamp. They want to keep hunters away from trying to go out there and kill it (for their own safety), but word spreads and the hunters drink A LOT of beer and get in their boats and split from the one dock in search of the monster before the bumbling youngest cop can stop them. The hunters getting drunk to kill is reminiscent of the beginning scene in DAWN OF THE DEAD when all the rednecks are traipsing through the fields in Pittsburgh drinking Straub's and IC beer. Or whatever it was. I can't remember. Anyway, these rednecks are no different. They're likely drinking Abita and getting psyched to kill the Gator man or bigfoot or whatever the hell is threatening their precious swamp turf.



Frank calls in a favor with the local farm pesticide plane guy who flys up and down the river back and forth over and over again dumping shit on the hunters so they'll leave the area. The music playing might as well have been the "da da dut da da" BENNIE HILL theme song. Its a break in a lot of monotony. So eventually the Nutria Man gets Jesse & TBob's dad, and then he gets the others except for Jesse. There's a voodoo lady that basically gets revenge for nature (?) by tricking the scientists in walking into quicksand so they die. I'm pretty sure that's more for fucking up her weird swamp house than talking over her head while she's with them like she's not even there. But, who knows? Oh yeah, Frank blows up this trailer that the Nutria man is hiding in and it goes sky high. With 90% of the budget. The End (?) You hope. Should you see this? No. It would be really hard to find a copy and you'd be SUPER pissed that you wasted your precious time doing so.

At long last!!! Rocknowledgy episode 28 is finally up!!

After a few week hiatus, we are finally back with episode 28! thanx to all of the Thorriors and Rocknowledgists who came out to see us the last few weeks. See you all at SXSW! And European Thorriors, see you all soon!! Here we go!

DOWNLOAD THE MTHRFKR RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW FER FREE JACK!

Episode 28 playlist:

Intro by T-6000,
Caltrop- Blessed,
Lungfish- The Words,
The Queers- You're Tripping,
Guided By Voices- Doughnut For a Snowman,
The Flaming Lips- Superhumans,
Sam Gopal- Grass,
Stereolab- Percolator,
Silkworm- Treat the New Guy Right,
The Beach Boys- Surf's Up,
Continent- Black As Night,
Foreign Objects- Decline,
The Obits- Pine On,
Gregory Isaacs- Leggo Beast,
Spacemen 3- Revolution,
Outro by T-6000,
Sparks- This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Labyrinth (1986)

"Oh, believe me, that's enough! But the worst thing is, if you so much as set a foot in the Bog of Stench, you'll smell bad for the rest of your life. It'll never wash off." - Hoggle

"It's a crystal. Nothing more. But if you turn it this way and look into it, it will show you your dreams. But this is not a gift for an ordinary girl who takes care of a screaming baby." - Jareth

"*Everything*! Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for *you*! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous?" - Jareth

Jareth: You remind me of the babe.
Goblin: What babe?
Jareth: The babe with the power.
Goblin: What power?
Jareth: The power of voodoo.
Goblin: Who do?
Jareth: You do.
Goblin: Do what?
Jareth: Remind me of the babe. (BEGINNING OF THE WORST SONG IN HISTORY...or nearabouts)

So, here we have the 2nd collaboration between George Lucas and Jim Henson (a personal hero). First they did THE DARK CRYSTAL, and then they pulled this "similar in its dark mysticism" flick off- only this time using real live humans. AND they used a chick who would become a world class hottie as of her appearance in CAREER OPPORTUNITIES (Check THAT one out! That whitey tighty shirt on her big bust is essential teen fantasy cream dream type shit. But I digress), Jennifer Connelly!!! And some dude named David Bowie starring in LABYRINTH!!!!





This one will probably be in the "best of childhood" category for a bunch of characters out there. I'd have to say that I remember this one fondly, however, I don't want to blow it out of proportion. Upon reviewing it after all these years, it REALLY reminds me of THE WIZARD OF OZ. However, it stands alone on its own merits specifically The Henson families unbelievable talent. They built their biggest muppet ever on this one, and designed and developed new technology just to pull off many of the scenes and stunts. The plot is as follows. A young girl, tired of how her stepmother is constantly treating her like shit, and making her do (very ordinary, typical) things that girls have to do, chants a spell out of an old fairytale book, unknowingly unleashing very real goblins to dispatch to her home and kidnap her baby brother and take him away to "Jareth" the Goblin King. What a little bitch! That's the lesson here, kids today are so goddamned spoiled that they should be faced with losing something (perhaps a sibling) for all their horseshit and bellowing.



So, when the baby disappears, Jareth gives her the option to get her baby brother back but she'll have to solve his personal garden labyrinth first, AND she only has 13 hours to do it in. So she's transported to this thing and she meets this grumpy little asshole named Hoggle and he's pissing in a creek. I loved that part as a kid. He tells her he can't help her, but she splits anyway, and almost figures out the right path by way of a worm, but it warns her against going to where she wants to go. Then Hoggle tries to help her out but he's scared he'll piss off Jareth and become the Prince of the Bog of Stench. So he's a spineless little asshole to boot. Then they meet this big monster dude named Ludo who can summon rocks up from the ground.



Then she sort of get separated from her gang and these reggae chicken kangaroo things called the Fire Gang who can take their heads and legs and arms off try to do the same to her, and she barely escapes them. Then her and Hoggle meet up with Ludo at the Bog of Eternal Stench and meet another little fox dude named Sir Didamus who rides on a real dog. Its pretty funny. So then Hoggle- the little jerk- reluctantly gives Sarah a peach that makes her pass out and go into a floating ball and it transports her to a ballroom where Jareth (who is definitely way older than her) tries to seduce this 13-14 year old. FUCKED UP. But then a clock strikes and she remembers she's supposed to be saving her brother, not dry humping 40 something androgenous rock stars. So she's transported back to her Wizard of Oz type gang and they find the goblin city and get in a fight with a bunch of goblins. This huge brick wall Muppet tries to axe them to death, but betrayer Hoggle comes to the rescue and jumps on its head sending it crashing (bickkedy-bam) to the ground.



Then Sarah goes to find her brother and she finds him crawling around and Jareth singing a bad song in MC Esher's staircase room. ARTISTIC. So Jareth just ups and asks her to spend eternity with him, but she recites some old poem that she finally remembers, the last line being- "you have no power over me". Then finally she gets back and she's not mad at her step mother and then she parties in her room with the muppets, and then Jareth is in owl mode outside the window, and then spurned, he flies away into the night. Should you see this? You already should have.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

"Ooh, bazonkers! I never counted on bazonkers." - Ugly Hattie

" Is good, ya? Is funny?" - Fejos

"Do you smell perfume?"
"Yes. I know what was in this room."
"What?"
"The Creature from Estee Lauder." - Gil and Jack

This is a funny little movie that always seemed to me like it was a Mel Brooks movie that Mel Brooks didn't do. Meaning its very "Mel Brooks". Super funny, super punny. Lots of big name cast and hilarious cameos. Jeff Goldblum, Ed Begley Jr, Michael Richards, Jeffery Jones, Geena Davis, AND (yet another movie with) OGRE from REVENGE OF THE NERDS all starring in TRANSYLVANIA 6-5000!!!





This is one of those either you love it or hate it yuck em up flixxx. The kind that I usually love. Aaaannnnd this was no different. It has a million cameos and a super simple plot that does a great job of not revealing itself til the end. Since its different doing comedies than other types of flicks, and I don't like to spoil flicks.... unless you're never going to watch them anyway... i won't give the whole thing away. But to give you the gist: Gil (Begley) and Jack (Goldblum) are reporters who work at a local rag that's a lot like Weekly World News. Gil's dad owns it, and he'll do anything to look good in his old man's eyes. Jack doesn't give a shit, he just wants to make quality writing so that he can move up in the journalistic world. He sees this as a stepping stone on the way to a bigger career. Gil's old man gets a video of some kids getting fucked up by a Frankenstein monster. He thinks its real, and he wants Gil and Jack to go to Transylvania to investigate. "Where's Transylvania?" "I don't know... over there somewhere."



Jack thinks this is complete bullshit, but he can't afford to get fired, so he goes along. They arrive in Transylvania and meet up with the mayor (Jeffery Jones) and this weird ass butler (Michael Richards) and decide that the town is wonderful and very cute. Jack immediately meets some hot broad, I can't remember her name, but she's Jackie Gleason's hot ass wife from THE TOY. He chases her around while Gil starts asking the locals about Frankenstein. Everyone laughs in his face, and he almost gets laughed out of town until Jack comes and rushes him out of there and back to check in to their hotel.



That night in the hotel, Geena Davis as a super hot nympho vampiress comes into Gil's room and tries to suck his blood. There are various other monster's that start showing up: A mummy, a wolfman, a creature from the black lagoon, you get the idea. So Jack finally sees something weird is going on and him and Gil do a little more investigating looking for this dude who is supposedly locked up in the koo koo house. There's a hunchback guy named Radu who has a maid/cook/girlfriend who chases him around and won't stop bothering him. She's the 2nd angel that visits Bill Murray in SCROOGED. Anyway they are very Mel Brooks'ed out if you know what I mean.



Ok, I can't tell you anymore or it will give away the end, but suffice to say- I thought that Goldblum was going to play the goofball, but instead he played the straight man. Usually he plays the weirdo. So that threw me for a loop. Its a pretty great underrated flick. If you're looking for Comedy/Horror, heavy on the cheese, look no further. Should you watch? Yes. With a pretty girl.

bad/awesome flixxx review: City of Lost Children (1995)

"The poor masterpiece became so crazed he believed a single tear drop could save him. And after many cruel deeds he died. Never knowing what it was to dream!" - Uncle Irvin

"Irvin, you know all about feelings. Won't you try to help me? Won't you explain why all those children only have nightmares?" - Krank

"Who stole the child's dreams? Krank, in his evil schemes. But the happy tale had a sting in it's tail. The genius has a fit of pique, hear the genius shriek, the 'genius' is up a creek." - Uncle Irvin

This is one of the most beautiful movies ever. Its feel and tone is a very dark future (almost steampunk) fairytale. I could believe that society could have developed very fast in the 20's in France and this could have been a creepy dramatization of that heavy fairytale type shit. Its super confusing upon first watch, and even though I watched it countless times in Earth high school, when I watched it a few weeks back, I still wasn't exactly sure what was going on. I had to pay close attention because its in French, and its confusing as shit on top of that. An all french cast excluding Ron Perlman, and including a super intriguing young actress (at the time) named Judith Vittet who would be like 28 now (creep creep). All in CITY OF LOST CHILDREN!!!





Like I said, this movie is confusing, but let's see what I can make of the plot for you: There's this big dude named One. He's like a circus strongman and an ex French sailor. He's adopted this little brother kid who is only concerned with eating. No talking just eating. The beginning scene is outstandingly creepy with a little boy dreaming of Santa, and then there's like a ton of Santa's, and the world kind of becomes twisted and distorted. The kid is dreaming and he's having a nightmare. When he comes out of it, there's this ugly dude (Krank) and he's screaming with a huge chandelier vice contraption on his head. Turns out he's trying to steal the kid's dreams. Unfortunately for him, he is a clone who cannot dream. Because of this- he is aging super fast compared to his 5 brothers. 4 of them live with him. One of them (the original) escaped and lives underwater and collects junk that falls into the water (which everyone seems to be scared of).



Krank lives with his clone brothers and his uncle (who is just a brain in a fishtank) and a midget lady on an oilrig offshore. It's France so I like to pretend they are in Hossegor. They control a steampunk cyclops army who steals kids in town at night so that Krank can steal their dreams, only they have nightmares and he can't figure out why. His uncle claims its because he's a hideous monster. The cyclops dudes kidnap One's little bro and One goes to find him. He meets some orphans who are thieves for these conjoined twin sisters who are mean. One of the orphans, Miette, befriends One and finally helps him go look for his brother against the Octopus (what the call the twins) wishes. One becomes very protective over Miette and begins calling her little sister. It actually DOES get uncomfortable for a moment when they are holding each other and he's snuggling into her back. But then the innocence of One rears its head and you forget that.



The Octopus is pissed and somehow sends this dude (who puts poison into pouches on the mouths of some fleas) to get Miette and One to come back to them and be thieves AND recover this safe for them that was stolen and fell into the water. The guy does it and feels bad and rescues One but lets Miette fall in the water. No one goes in after her so we assume the water is poisonous or something. Nobody wants to go in there for some reason. Who knows? But then Miette ends up meeting the original clone. She escapes from him because he's so batty he doesn't even remember who he is (which turns out to be the guy who created all of the clones in the first place. He lost his memory. And the midget chick turns out to be a wife he made for himself).



So, Miette goes back to One and they continue on their journey. Along the way, Krank's dream escapes thanks to meddling by Uncle Irvin the brain, and it enters Miette's nose and the nose of the OG clone. It lets them know some of what's going on. Its like the device to move the story along. "The reveal". So everyone (Miette and One, and The OG creator/original genius guy) starts converging on this oil rig to confront Krank and rescue the little duder. I won't tell you the ending. The visuals are the real pay off here. The movie creates a giant world. I don't know how to properly convey how big it feels. You'll just have to watch it and see. And if any French Thorriors out there know how to contact Judith Vittet, let me know. Word.

RIP Whitney Houston & Michael Davis. My tribute. "IWAKOTJMF"

I was bummed to hear about the death of Michael Davis. We were fortunate enough to meet and play with DKT (Davis, Kramer, Thompson) the surviving members of the MC5 around 2003. We were psyched then, and it still stands as one of my proudest and psychedest moments to jam for those men who "kicked out the jams". We based our band on this Earth band. May he transcend this Earth like his music did, does, and will. Here's something I made today in his honor by adding it to something that has gotten more play in the last week than it ever needed to get in the first place. Paired with one of THE great rocknroll "get off your ass and do something" motivational yet STILL underrated and underappreciated true gems of all time. I give you "I WILL ALWAYS... KICK OUT THE JAMS MUTHER FUCKER".

RIP. (CLICK THAT LINK BELOW THIS LINE TO HEAR IT.)

I WILL ALWAYS... KICK OUT THE JAMS MUTHER FUCKER

bad/awesome flixxx review: Meatballs Part II (1984)

"Fanny, look, snakes only come out like that once a year. " - Jaime

"I'm not a dork, I'm Italian!" - Flash

"Just remember ladies. That this is a cabin for respectable women. There will be no talk of pinkies. They're not playthings, you know! They're weapons! Dangerous weapons! Like loaded guns! They can go off when you least expect it!" - Fanny

Here we go with another one of those old type flicks I haven't seen in around 20 years, but you never really lose any of it. You remember it like it was yesterday. It wasn't as good as the original and was really just a rip off that somehow ended up getting the rights to the name, ultimately resulting in a (!) franchise. But I saw this one around the time I was first going to camp and I was hoping girls would be slutty. Only thing is I was about the age of the younger dudes going to camp, not the teenagers. Paul Reubens (feckin Pee-Wee), Richard Mulligan (EMPTY NEST), Kim Richards (ESCAPE FROM WITCH MOUNTAIN), John Larroquette (NIGHT COURT), Ogre (REVENGE OF THE NERDS) & Jason Hervey (THE WONDER YEARS) all star in MEATBALLS PART II!!!





So, in the beginning, the absolute cheesiest 80s "summer" "fun" song comes on while some campers are being driven to camp in a bus by Pee-Wee Herman. A camper in a wheelchair races the bus to camp. No one ever says shit about why the kid is in a wheelchair. Apparently this flick went through major cuts. Over 80 minutes of sex scenes were shot and cut from the film to lower the rating from R to PG. There are two stories going on in the flick. The first involves a greaser delinquent camp counselor named Flash who falls for this chick. The head of Camp Sasquatch is about to get bought out by the Army Camp across the lake so the Sgt head camp guy over there can expand his army camp. The head of Sasquatch bets that whoever wins the camp boxing match at the end of the summer will win the lake and therefore force the loser to close their camp. I don't even think the campers are aware of the scheme.



The other thing going on in this flick is like a spoof on E.T. This alien with stereotypical Jewish alien parents gets dropped off to spend the summer at camp. The younger boys in Flash's cabin befriend the alien. One of the boys speaks to the alien and says, "Me Ted". The alien repeats him, but the boys think he says "meathead". So they name him Meathead. Meathead dresses in a rain slicker and no one else notices he's an alien all summer. Meathead also has powers like walking through walls and telekinesis.



There are two head councilors that are just finding places to bang each other all summer. Anyway Flash finally figures out that Meathead lives there when he's smoking a joint in the cabin. Meathead takes the joint and smokes it. His eyes get red and he floats into the air. PARTYIN. Cheryl, the naive blond chick tells her bunkmates that she's never seen a "pinkie" (weiner). So they set out to con Flash into skinny dipping with her. But the army campers invade at night by boat to do something that I can't remember. Then later its time for the big boxing match. I think when he was skinny dipping he got stuck out there and kidnapped or drugged or something. Then he had to steal a dress out of John Larroquette's wardrobe because he was caught nude. Larroquette was gay in this. Then Flash had to show up and fight in a dress.



Flash has to fight Ogre from REVENGE OF THE NERDS. He's getting his ass kicked... Hell, he gets knocked out, and then Meathead makes him fly around like a fairy, prompting lots of gay jokes. But he ends up winning. whoops. spoiler warning. Should you watch it? Yes. Sorry if I don't sound so enthusiastic. It is great if you love early 80s cheese. I can't find a goddamned picture of him, but the french chef looked like Doug Benson's heavyset uncle.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Monkey Shines (1988)

"You slime. You filth. I'm gonna tear you apart. I'm gonna rip yer fuckin' eyes out." - Alan

"You killed my Bogey!" - Maryanne

"maybe you jammed your foot into that slipper... who gives a shit... it deserved to die!" - Alan

WOW. This is one of those flicks that 90% of people I ask, have never actually seen, but they always remember the poster from the back horror section of their local video stores in the 80s up on the wall. Well, I remembered that poster too, but could never get my Earth dad to rent it for me. Too scary he'd say. He wasn't far from the truth. This is from old George Romero! It's extremely heavy, with a cast of nobodies and a monkey named Boo all starring in MONKEY SHINES!!!





So Alan the athlete wakes up naked next to his hot but ultimately shallow shitty girlfriend and stretches nakedly by the bed until he loads up some bricks in a bookbag and starts out for his morning jog. Then when he's almost home, a dog jumps out barking and he jumps in front of a truck. Fast forward to when he gets out of the hospital, and now he's a quadrapalegic. Apparently his girlfriend had been banging the doctor who "miracle cured" him (allowing him to use a wheelchair with his mouth). His best friend is a mad scientist who has been delicately shaving off bits of frozen human brains, melting them down, mixing them with some kind of gatorade and injecting them into a girl monkey. Alan's mom is koo koo and gets him a very crabby bitch nurse to stay with him 24/7.



The nurse sucks. The mad scientist buddy's boss is trying to steal his experiments, so he comes up with an idea to give the monkey to Alan to use as a helper monkey. He meets with this blond chick who trains them and promises her that he hasn't done anything fucked up to the monkey (Ella). Ella up until now hasn't shown any signs of being intelligent beyond her species to the buddy, but when she meets Alan, she blows his mind with what she knows and can do. Pretty soon they have a sweet relationship going that the nurse can't stand. The blond chick falls for Alan. But Alan starts to get pissed at the world, and he hates his ex girl and the doctor that "cured" him. He gets a 2nd opinion from another doc who thinks he may be able to be cured permanently.



The hatred for his nurse's bird, and the ex girl and doc, and even his own mom is realized and acted upon by Ella. She actually murders the bird, the ex and doc, and then the nurse quits. Alan says get rid of her. And they try, but Ella escapes and comes back. Alan tries to warn his mom, but then she pisses him off and then Ella electrocutes her. Alan tells his bud of the telepathy and finally his bud confesses and he brings a serum to try to kill Ella.



Ella ends up being too smart for the scientist and Alan can't do shit. BUT- he outsmarts her and even though she succeeds in beating up his girlfriend, he finally talks her into listening to some music, and before she poisons the blond, she pisses on his unusable legs and he FREAKS OUT *********************** SPOILER WARNING***************

AND THEN HE BITES HER NECK AND SWINGS HER FROM SIDE TO SIDE UNTIL SHE IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DEVOID OF LIFE. Its sick. And then he goes to the old doctor and gets his shit fixed, and him and his chick live happily ever driving around a sweet van. Chicks in these flicks always drive sweet vans. Should you see it? Yep. Eat cake and sushi or pizza or something and make it happen.

Rocknowledgy episode 27 is up now!! Special Valient-ine's Day ep!!

YAW. How lovey can you get? This is your sexual chocolate filled episode straight up hot off the presses. Listen to it in the bedroom, under the covers. WE LOVE/LUST AFTER YOU. PACE.

You can get this ep for free heeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrre right now!

Episode 27 Valient-ine's Day Special Playlist:

intro by T-6000,
Sex- Love is a Game,
Alice Cooper- Be My Lover,
Frank Zappa- Dirty Love,
Devo- Love is Stronger Than Dirt,
The Kinks- Who'll Be the Next in Line?,
The Mamas and The Papas- Dedicated To The One I Love,
Nomeansno- Real Love,
Buck Owens- If You Fall Out Of Love With Me,
Black Flag- I Love You,
The Sweet- Honeysuckle Love,
Lee Fields & The Expressions- Love Comes and Goes,
Lee Hazlewood- Must Have Been Something I Loved,
Wipers- Telepathic Love,
The Saints- Story of Love,
Velvet Underground- We're Gonna Have A Real Good Time,
Nig Heist- Love In Your Mouth,
Unknown Hinson- Love On Command,
outro by T-6000,
Wayne Kramer & The Pink Fairies- Do You Love Me?

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Black Hole (1979)

"The word "impossible," Mr. Booth, is only found in the dictionary of fools." - Dr. Hans Reinhardt

"To quote Cicero: rashness is the characteristic of youth, prudence that of mellowed age, and discretion the better part of valor." - V.I.N.CENT

"A wolf remains a wolf, even if it has not eaten your sheep." - V.I.N.CENT

I know a ton of dudes will remember watching this as little young rockers. You probably didn't give a shit about what it was about except that it had to do with space and some robots! There was a ton of shit that came out around this time either right before or mostly right after the success of STAR WARS. I'm talking about shows and movies such as BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, BUCK ROGERS, and the like. Every company was making space flicks, even Disney. Now Disney had a weird thing for a while where they made a shitload of flicks that weren't necessarily for kids (see WATCHER IN THE WOODS). Well, it was high time for me to go back and revisit this classic film. Anthony (Psycho) Perkins, Ernest Borgnine, Robert Forster, and the voices of Roddy McDowell & Slim Pickins star in THE BLACK HOLE!!!





Much like Star Wars- I had toys of this movie before I actually knew what the movie was all about. The USS Palamino is on a STAR TREK type mission. Seek out whatever's out there. They are at the end of their mission and about to return home to Earth, when they spot THE BIGGEST FUCKING BLACK HOLE THEY EVER SEEN. And what's that? A HUGE US space ship long thought to be lost. And how the Hell is it treading water there in space like that? It's not getting sucked into the hole and it's close as shit. Since the only chick aboard the Palamino's dad was the captain of that big ship, they decide to head in for a closer look.



They head in and get as close as they can and all of a sudden there is no pull from the hole anymore. Somehow the lost ship has figured out how to defy the laws of gravity and dock in space. But once out of its range, the Palamino is again being sucked into the void. They luckily escape the clutches of the hole, and then the lights come on on the big ship. They dock on the thing and are made to come inside sans laser pistols thanx to some unfriendly robuts. Once aboard they find the brilliant psycho genius Dr. Hans Reinhardt. He's creepy as Hell and has a robut army led by the ominous red Maximillian. He tells Max to lay off the guests. But no one trusts him except Anthony Perkins (who's name is Dr. Durand- possibly a nod to Durand Durand the mad space scientist from BARBARELLA).



The good guys have a robut named V.I.N.CENT who's very philosophical and quick to let everyone know he's never wrong. Which going back, I don't think he was at all. One thing I'll never understand is how the fuck the chick had ESP with a robot?! Maybe I just don't understand robots. I thought maybe humans could have ESP together, and maybe robots could read robots minds like R2-D2. But human/robot esp? It's unnatural. HA! Aboard the ship is an older model called Old Bob. Old Bob eventually helps the crew of the Palamino once they figure out that Reinhardt is super crazy. So there's a farm, a robot funeral, and then everyone is hip that the old crew didn't split, Reinhardt turned them into drone worker zombies. Fearing for their lives the crew decides to split except Dr. Durand. They keep trying to get him to leave but he's over it. He notices Reinhardt's genius even if he is crazy. Reinhardt wants to go INTO the black hole.



Ok, so as the shit gets closer and closer, Durand is killed, Max actually attacks Reinhardt who asks for the chick's help. Then Ernest Bornine splits but blows their ship Palamino up. Then they decide they'll have to leave by the drone ship. A HUGE flat screen tv falls on Reinhardt and he quotes Goethe as he croaks. "More light". Then the crew is splitting and they realize the ship is programmed to go into the Black hole and that's that. So they pray something cool happens. Now, the ending is up for interpretation... but it LOOKS like Maximillian and Reinhardt hug each other and all of a sudden Reinhardt is inside Max and he's standing at the top of a mountain in Hell. And all the drones are walking down the mountain. And then it looks like the chick is walking toward a tunnel full of crystals (heaven?) and then it shows the other side, and a planet and the probe hurtling through space toward it. TRIPPY. Kind of ends like 2001 a bit. Anyway... WEIRD SHIT! One of the only Disney flicks I can remember with cursing in it. I heard they ended up creating Hollywood Pictures and Touchstone Pictures so they could have more adult shit and keep it away from the Disney name... SHOULD YOU SEE IT???? Abso-lutely.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Jacob's Ladder (1990)

"Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth." - Louis

"See. According to this, you're already dead." - Gypsy

"Mr. Singer. What an appropriate name for a man who can't shut up." - Army officer

HEAVY. This is a great film. Its both a horror flick and a thriller at the same time. A lot of films are like that, but in this one, we believe it could be about demons or some shit... **********************SPOILER WARNING ALL THROUGHOUT************ BUT once we figure out what is really up... we see that this could actually have really happened. And THOSE are the scariest films for me. The ones that end up being stories that could or CAN really happen. Like that movie FRAILTY. Anyway, this one stars Danny Aiello, Tim Robbins, and a young Macaulay Culkin in JACOB'S LADDER!!!





The whole set up here is that this is a horror movie. And that's what we are led to believe throughout. And I guess by the ending you could still consider it one... However- All is not what it seems. This film begins in Vietnam, where a platoon with Tim Robbins and Ving Rhames are just sitting around. Tim Robbins (Jacob Singer) is shitting and he's coming back and his platoonmates are making fun of him because he shits a lot. Then they start yucking it up and then all of a sudden, there's a big attack, and one dude is screaming "something's not right, something's not right!!! AAAAAIIIGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" and rolling on the ground. Ving Rhames starts convulsing and puking and some of the dudes heads are shaking violently, and Jacob gets freaked out and starts to run and bang, he's stabbed by a bayonet. All of a sudden BANG fast forward and we're in the present (1975ish) and Jacob is a mailman and he lives with this chick Jezebel. He has bad dreams all the time. He's riding on the subway and he tries to get on but the lights make him start having a flashback or something and he falls (luckily) down beside the train and it doesn't hit him.



So the film jumps backwards and forwards from here, tricking us and we never can tell, is Jacob living with his wife and is the son alive, or is or did the son get hit by a car and he's divorced from his first wife. He has two other kids, or does he? He goes to see this chiropractor who helps him with his chronic back pain and it seems like whenever he cracks his back, he passes out for a few hours and then all of a sudden his flashback/hallucinations increase.



So Jezzie wants to get him out of his funk and takes him to a party and his hangs out with a gypsy who tells him he's already dead, and then he sees Jezzie getting fucked by a lizard on the dancefloor, and he lays on the floor and starts freaking out. And then he has 106 degrees temperature and then he's in the past again, and then he wakes up in the tub and all these people are around. Then he decides not to go out anymore and starts looking up books on demons. Then one of his buds from his platoon contacts him and tells him he's freaking out and needs help cause HE'S seeing shit and someone is chasing him. So he meets him and then they go to leave and his buddies car explodes. He goes to funeral and meets up with other platoon buds, and they tell him THEY'VE been seeing shit too. So they decide to sue the army because they think they may have been experimented on. So they hire George from SEINFELD to help them, and he says ok. Then the next day he says he can't do it, because his buds backed out. Jacob calls them freaking out wondering why. He looks up George Kastanza and he's like "look bud, don't fuck with me!" So somebody DOESN'T want them to know about shit.



He meets a nerd dude in the grocery store that tells him that he has the answers he's been looking for. The nerd says look man, I was busted by the pigs for making acid way back when. They told me if I work for them and make this heavy heavy shit, they'd clean my slate. So I made some LSD that make monkey's dicks hard. And then.... the army fed it to you guys without you knowing it. It was called... (wait for it).... the Ladder. And when you guys took it, you freaked out and started killing each other. So then Jacob realizing it was his own dudes that probably stabbed him, starts to have another freakout and then they put him in the hospital where he sees demons and blood and monsters and they tell him he's dead. Then Louis comes to get him out. Tells him he had a slipped disc. Also tells him that Hell is being attached to shit. So he goes to his old apartment that his ex wife still lives in, and goes through some old photos of his son that's dead and his dog tags. He throws them away or something and then he sees Macaulay Culkin who tells him to go up the stairs with him. Then we see him laying in a med tent back in Vietnam. Apparently the whole movie was a hallucination death trip. OR he really did all that shit and then he died in the demon hospital thinking he was back in 'Nam. They never say really. I think we're supposed to believe the Ladder put him in a dream state of Purgatory or something. Either way. Solid flick. Both thumbs. up.

bad/awesome flixxx review: A Night in Casablanca (1946)

"From now on the essence of this hotel will be speed. If a customer askes you for a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he askes you for a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he askes you for a one-minute egg, give him the chicken and let him work it out for himself!" - Ronald Kornblow

"If he had such good manners, he'd get off your lap and give me a seat. He can stand up better than I can, he's got twice as many legs." - Kornblow

"I don't mind being killed, but I resent hearing it from a character whose head comes to a point!" - Kornblow

What you have here is the 12th Marx brother film. It was a later film that they did, coming out of retirement basically to help cover Chico's gambling debts. I read Chico's daughter's biography of him around the end of middle school. A long time ago, but from what I remember, he was a SUPER DUPER BAD ALCOHOLIC, and a pretty fucked up gambler, along with being an insanely gifted piano player and all around funny funny dude. So this is a send up of the film noir genre that was big around the time. Starring Groucho, Chico, and my favorite Harpo in A NIGHT IN CASABLANCA!!!





Not necessarily a bad movie per se, this is more of "the better of their later" movies, is how most critics have put it. I think its spot on. We have hilarious performances by each of the brothers, harp playing by Harpo, a piano performance from Chico, and tons of gags. The plot revolves around a hotel in Morocco that has had three managers murdered. They can't find a soul that will take the job to manage the place until the run up on Ronald Kornblow (Groucho) a seasoned motel manager who thinks he's just walked into the big time.



Corbaccio (Chico) is the head of the camel cab service who attaches himself to Kornblow as his bodyguard. Rusty (Harpo) is his valet who begins the movie working for the main bad guy but soon realizes he's in hot water if he hangs with that dude for too long. The reason the managers are getting murdered is because the main bad guy is a Nazi war criminal posing as a Count in hopes of recovering his stolen treasures he's hidden in the hotel.



So the Count keeps sending chicks to woo Kornblow but Kornblow is as stubborn and slippery as he is inept. He manages along with the help of Rusty and Corbaccio in dodging the bullet so to speak, and succeeds in making the Count begin to think that he's lost his own marbles. The Count tries to turn it around on Kornblow by convincing the cops that since he's always seen in the company of Rusty- who's just broken the bank of the casino by betting red 22 or 35 like 3 times in a row on the roulette, and winning- that they must be in on it with each other and cheating the house. So they have to convince the cops that the Count is a crook before the cops can get them.



The straight man and that guy's main love interest who are also trying to catch the Count help the brothers chase them to the airport for the final scene mimicking the final airport scene in CASABLANCA. There's a super awesome sequence where Harpo is flying the plane and finally they crash into the police station exposing the Count to be Stubel the Nazi. I think watching this airport scene that the budget for this flick must have been huge for the time. Should you watch this? Well, of course I'm going to tell you to, I love the Marx brothers. Even though its not their best flick, it is loaded with laughs. Check it out on Netflix instant now.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Harrison Bergeron (1995)

"Can you imagine how I must feel, knowing that I'm striving to create a world in which no Beethoven will ever be born? But it has to be, not just because of some words in a constitution. It has to be." - John Klaxon

"Anyway, I don't think you're all that stupid." - Harrison
"Thanks! Well I don't think that you're all that smart." - Alma

"You haven't made everyone equal. You've made them the same, and there's a BIG difference!" - Harrison

Talk about a SCORE! This is a great little hard to find VHS. I got it for around 50 cents at some thrift store. It's Showtime's TV adaptation of Kurt Vonnegut's sci fi short story. It's a good find because this one is low budge, but just smart enough to have done it right. AND you can't get it on DVD. This is Sean Astin, and Christopher Plummer and tons of cameo's by folks like Eugene Levy, Howie Mandel, and Andrea Martin in HARRISON BERGERON!!!


Harrison Bergeron (1995) by ItsBartman



If you're a fan of Kurt Vonnegut, then you should search around for this guy. I checked and you can find it on Amazon for pennies. Even if you've never heard of this story, its premise seems like it was ripped from today's headlines. What with the Occupy movement in full effect, this is a forward look at a future not far from now, where the government has rendered everyone man and woman on Earth "equal". If you're smart or gifted in anyway, then you are subject to be "handicapped" so that you will not succeed or have anything over anyone else. The government came up with these "harnesses" for people to wear that keep them stupid. In the case of our protagonist, Harrison is smarter than the average bear. He's super smart but has been held back in school so many years that his younger brother (who'd grow up to be Darth Vader -Hayden Christiansen) has caught up with him. His folks keep taking him to a doctor to adjust his "band", but he just keeps getting smarter.



In a world with arranged marriages between those too stupid, and those too smart (in hopes of creating "average" children) Harrison feels left out and that something is wrong. When they finally schedule him the equivalent of a lobotomy, his doctor suggests he go to something that's like a knowledge brothel where he can exercise his brain- one last time. The cops raid the place and it turns out it was all a scam. In a society that is bred to be average, the government can't be trusted to really run things, so there is a shadow government of the chosen few who hypocritically enjoy the things that they regularly deny the mass public. Music, film, television, everything that the masses see is regulated to be boring, brainless and average. This is eye opening to Harrison at first but then he begins to hate the whole idea and wants to change it so that everyone can enjoy these things.



There's a chick named Philippa who talked the shadow agency into letting Harrison in their "club". He passes all the tests and they hire him and Philippa sort of falls for him and I don't think that's supposed to happen. They can't take wives or have children and they tell their families that the agents have been killed. Most of the families are too stupid to remember them a few weeks later anyway. Philippa and Harrison play chess in their spare time, and Harrison is soaking in years of jams and flicks. Finally they fall in love and Philippa wants to escape and she's freaking out but won't tell anyone what's up, and she DOES split and they catch her and give her a lobotomy. And the main dude is pissed, and Harrison is SUPER pissed.



**********************SPOILER WARNING *****************************

So, Harrison has got a job at the TV station that programs all the channels that we have in the US- which equals about 4 like old school England (and modern day in some places). Harrison lets himself in after borrowing a camera for the weekend, and then proceeds to lock himself in the TV station and airs all this music, and film and basically for like a weekend, just tells everyone in America that they are slaves and encourages them to take off their headsets. Finally they bust in and knock him out. But they don't kill him. They make him go on National television on the biggest nighttime talk show and tell everyone that his set on tv was just a big joke and he was an actor in a hoax like Orson Welles presentation of WAR OF THE WORLDS back in 1938. But after telling them, Harrison pulls a gun from his pocket and blows his own brains out on national television. Then we cut to a scene where a kid and his friend are talking about discs that they've gotten their hands on, and one tells the other his cousin is bringing a copy where the guy blew his brains out. And they proceed to watch the jazz & films that Harrison presented WITHOUT THEIR BANDS MAN!!! OUTLAWS! And so technology helped them preserve the pieces of art that had been hidden from them. And then we realize that the kid is Harrison's kid as Phillippa recognizes the music even after her lobotomy and she's downstairs, and the reason she was splitting is because she was pregnant. A no no. Yes, its shitty old Sean Astin, but its a pretty damn good philosophical sci fi story. i recommend. Cheers.