Sunday, August 3, 2014

Rocknowledgy Episode 44 is up in the stratosphere now jack!!!

Alahoyus Rocknowledgists, Thorriors, and other disreputables! Its finally time for episode 44 of Rocknowledgy. Valient Thorr has just returned from Europe and I'm excited to finally have a moment to jam some jams. Special stuff in this episode include a track from Eidan Thorr's band Revolving Beast and a new track that I guest on from Mastodon. All that plus as always the T-6000. Let's do it!

You can download or stream that badboy here:  http://traffic.libsyn.com/rocknowledgy/Rocknowledgy_Episode_44.mp3

Episode 44 Playlist:
T6000 intro,
Spinal Tap- Rocknroll Creation,
Molly Hatchet- Gator Country,
Tuff Darts- She's Dead,
Revolving Beast- Four Banger,
The Datsuns- You Build Me Up (To Bring Me Down),
Mastodon- Asleep In The Deep,
Agent Orange- Bloodstains,
Link Protrudi & The Jaymen- Avalanche,
America- You Can Do Magic,
Screaming Lord Sutch- Thumping Beat,
Lucifer's Friend- In The Time Of Job When Mammon Was A Yippie,
Chain and The Gang- I'm Not Interested In (Being Interested In) Pt. 1,
The Upper Crust- Old Money,
D.I.- Falling Out,
Love- Slick Dick,
The Doors- Not To Touch The Earth,
The Animals- I Ain't Got You,
T6000 outro,
David Bowie- Let's Spend The Night Together

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Warrior of the Lost World (1983)



"Are the meek inheriting the earth?" - Prosser

"Listen lady I need any computer to tell me I'm in way over my head do you understand...LOOK AT ME! Did you see the firepower out there? Do you know what we're up against here? I don't like the odds here so I'm gettin' out alright? The deal's off. There's nothing more I can do for ya." - The Rider

"NO WAY! We're lucky we got outta there alive. I'm not going back in." - The Rider

Man this is a bad one. Another in the long line of really crummy MAD MAX/ ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK ripoffs. One of the first Italian ones, this is also known as THE MAD RIDER, THE EXECUTIONER OF THE LOST EARTH, and RAIDERS OF THE OMEGA YEAR. Not a whole lot to say about this one. If you like post apocalyptic trash cinema, then chances are you'll love this. Its one of those "funny but not intended to be funny" flicks. Starring Robert Ginty and Donald Pleasence with a cameo by Fred Williamson in WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD!!!





So "The Rider" is driving through this junked car strewn landscape. Their are several Morlock looking dudes on motorcycles and souped up apocalypse demolition derby type cars that start attacking him and trying to kill him by running him off the road and shooting at him. His motorcycle is equipped with some kind of wise cracking super computer. Eventually he wrecks and is found by Fred Williamson who informs him that he's been chosen by "The Elders" to help out "The Outsiders".



The Outsiders are trying to overthrow this state run military based government called "the Omega" ran by this evil dude named Prosser. The Rider is to meet up with this chick and help her rescue her dad from this super jail. Her dad is some kind of genius leader of the resistance movement. So they infiltrate the place, and The Rider is apprehensive the whole time. Finally they get the dad and are escaping by helicopter during a fire fight and the chick is shot in the leg and she barely misses boarding the chopper as the Rider splits.



So Natasha (the chick) is captured, and her dad insists that they go rescue her now. The Rider says no way, his orders were just to rescue the Professor. But eventually he comes around and goes to meet up with a bunch of gangs ("the Marginals) and has to battle them to assemble a team of badasses. They'll only follow and listen to him if he wins their battle. So he fights white karate dudes, rednecks, truckers, amazons, punk rockers and other various factions beating the hell out of them and gaining their respect (?). Then they go after Prosser.



So the Professor and the Rider and the Outsiders use tanks, motorcycles and derby cars to fight the Omega army. The Omega pull out this thing called the MegaWeapon. Finally the Rider destroys it by short circuiting it but not before his super bike is crushed. Then him and the professor split into the compound to fight Prosser and find Natasha. She is brainwashed and programmed to kill them. She shoots the Rider, but can't kill her father and ends up killing Prosser in a jarring slow motion scene as everything starts blowing up. the Outsiders celebrate and the Rider decides to split. However their victory is short lived as Natasha unknowingly killed a robot, and the real Prosser himself splits with the true secret traitor enemy, Fred Williamson. Should you see it? Nah, that's why I gave away the whole thing. If you are going to watch it, do yourself a favor and watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, so that at least you can laugh and laugh instead of laugh and then cry.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Peanut Butter Solution (1985)



"Nonsense! What kind of a dodo do you take me for? Human hair grows only half an inch a month, no more." - Teacher

"Quiet! Or I'll put you in the net!" - Sergio

"I found out that you've been kicked out of two schools, that you've faked famous paintings, and that you've changed your name and appearance four times. AND you claim to be Rembrandt's great-great-great-great grandson." - Principal

I swore up and down for years to myself that I had dreamed this movie and that it didn't exist. Only after hearing someone talk about it, and knowing the plot in my head, but not knowing how this other person could possibly have known about this made up dream story I knew, did I realize that this was an actual film and not a little kid imagination type thing that happened to me every once in a while. Sometimes shit DID happen that couldn't have been real. This time it was. A real French Canadian film about a kid who's hair falls out and then he talks to some drunk ghosts who tell him to spread peanut butter on his head and then his hair won't stop growing. Sounds like a crazy dream story right? Behold, THE PEANUT BUTTER SOLUTION!!!





So there's this artist. He has a couple kids, a boy and a girl. His wife's father died and she bailed on him to Australia to deal with it for what must be a good little bit, because the girl is trying to cook and act grown up and she's belittling her brother and trying to give advice to her father. The dude is frustrated with his new paintings (which are sick by the way) and basically hangs out all day in his attic. The kids are making due but are quirky and have problems. The boy, Michael has a friend Connie (who may or may not be Data from THE GOONIES) who's always getting him into hijinks. Upon heading to school one morning, they come up on this old mansion that burned down. Connie dares Michael to go in, and he does only to be scared shitless by these homeless ghosts who used to live in the mansion but burned up in the fire. He got scared so bad that all his hair falls out.



So he completely freaks out cause he knows that everyone's going to make fun of him as school. He puts on a wig and then plays in a soccer game. During the game he gets in a row with another kid who pulls off his wig and he has one of those bad freakouts where he runs away crying with glue on his head and everyone's laughing at him in slow motion. What, that never happened to you? So later that night some ghosts visit him and give him a recipe for hair growth because he was nice and gave them his lunch money while they were panhandling. While making this concoction which is primarily made of peanut butter, his dad and sister come in and bust him and throw it out thinking that he's sleepwalking. The next night the ghosts come back and give him another chance to make the mixture, warning him not to use to much, because this shit is supposed to be VERY POTENT.



So Michael's hair starts growing immediately. By the next morning its a full head of hair, and then a few hours later its super long. His teacher's get pissed because its distracting the other students and Connie makes Michael tell him what made it grow so fast. So the next day it turns out Connie whipped himself up a batch and applied it to his pubes to make it look like he was going through puberty. Pretty soon hair is growing out of the bottom of his trousers. Finally everyone as school gets sick of the distractions and they are expelled. After searching for something to stop the growth (a "solution" if you will, although I think the solution the title is speaking of is the mixture with the pb itself...) Connie figures out that yelling at the hair stops it from growing. Then there's the whole side story about their weird ass art teacher.



Their art teacher is this dude named "The Signor". He's mean and he yells at his students. After getting fired from the school, he starts kidnapping kids. Once he gets a shitload of them including Michael, he puts them to work turning the hair into magic paintbrushes. Turns out the Signor is Michael's dad's art dealer's brother. The paintbrushes are so powerful they can paint whatever comes out of the users imaginations. But Connie and Michael's sister found out where the Signor kept the kids and they come to the rescue. I don't want to give away the ending, but its pretty clever and you can find this guy easy enough online to watch if you really want to. Enjoy!

Monday, May 5, 2014

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Razorback (1984)



"There's something about blasting the shit out of a razorback that brightens up my whole day." - Jake

"Now listen Bill. Yer in tha middle of bugger all here so for chrissakes don't go walkabout or we'll neva find ya. Now we'll be back in 5 or 6 hours." - Dicko

"It's only got two states of being- dangerous our dead. Nothing inbetween." - Jake

Wow! Watched this bad boy in Europe on tour last fall. What a great overlooked horror flick. I guess this is one of the Ozploitation flicks. I'm not sure if that term was recently-coined or not. I do know that the flicks in the category came out in the 60s, 70s, and 80s and were all pretty great genre flicks. I think they probably had little or no distro in the states and that's why some of them are under appreciated. Anyway, this one is great. It was directed by Russell Mulcahy who did the great HIGHLANDER, and the equally NOT great HIGHLANDER II. You'll also recognize a couple geezers from the first MAD MAX flick. If you like crazy ass giant wild boars, then this one is for you. I present to you a beautifully shot film, RAZORBACK!!!





This one starts out with an old dude taking care of his grandson and then all of a sudden this HUGE boar (literally) rips the house in half killing the small child. The granddude is accused of murder but he's ends up getting off because A BOAR RIPPED THROUGH HIS FUCKING HOUSE AND TORE IT IN HALF. No one believed him because anyone else who ever saw this huge thing besides him was usually killed. A couple years later we meet this lady who is an animal rights activist/ journalist. She splits from the US way down deep in the outback of Oz to search out some crummy kangaroo killers.



The journalist starts asking around at this local bar about kangaroo hunters. This flick takes place pretty far out in the middle on nowhere and the bar is one of the only spots around besides the pet food processing plant. The locals don't take kindly to a journalist coming around asking questions, especially a female one. Two of them, apparently two who specialize in killing kangaroos and who both work at said plant are tiffed and decide to make sure this journalist gets a scare so they can get on with their business. Unbeknownst to them while trying to scare (and possibly rape or have their way with her) the rednecks are themselves scared shitless when this monster boar comes upon the journalist's car and ravages it and her. So she dies. I didn't forsee that. We're only like 20 minutes into the movie and I thought she was gonna be a main character. That's good shit.



So her husband is sad. And he can't figure out what to do. No one knows what happened to her, and they don't have a body. So naturally he goes down to the middle of nowhere to find some answers. And naturally he too gets the cold shoulder from the locals. But he poses as someone who he is not. Maybe he thinks he'll get farther if they don't know who he is. The two hicks are spooked and they decide to take him out and let the boar get him too so they don't get in trouble. But they hang out with him for a bit after he seeks them out at the animal processing plant. And then they drive him into the bush and leave him for hours. He walks out and through the desert for hours and hours and finally comes on a farm. There's a super hot chick taking a shower and she screams and he screams and then passes out in front of her from exhaustion and dehydration. When he comes to, she has him in her bed taking care of him. Lucky for him she has more answers than anyone else in town. She knows about the journalist, and knows who may be able to help him. She's some kind of scientist studying seismography in the area. The team of her, him, and the old man figure out that it may have been the boar who killed his wife. The hicks freak out and think they're gonna get in trouble so they maim the old man and leave him to be killed by the boar too.



The husband is super pissed now. He knows the hicks are responsible for his buddy and his wife's death. He finds them and lowers one of them into a mineshaft killing him. Then he goes after the other one but before he can get to him the huge boar smashes the other hick to death. So now the husband and the hot chick basically have to survive and somehow kill this boar and get the hell out of there. Because like the old man said, he's either dangerous or dead. I'm gonna just go ahead and say yes, you should see this one. Its better than just a cheesy b horror movie. The cinematography is beautiful. They also built a humongous full size animatronic robot boar that cost thousands and thousands of dollars and you only see it in the film for ONE SECOND! So they need you to watch this because they're still trying to recoup the bread for that big bastard. Cheers.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Enter the Ninja (1981)



"You know Mary Ann there are times when I... when I wake up in the morning and I look at this guy in the mirror and I say "What the hell are you doing with your life frank?" and you know something, son of a bitch never answers me! - Frank

"I want a ninja. Find me a ninja. I want Lander's land!" - Venarius

"I don't like to be followed!" - Cole

If you ever watched ninja movies growing up in the 80s, chances are you are familiar with Sho Kosugi. Along with REVENGE OF THE NINJA, these were two of the most fantastic ninja movies I can remember. There were a few more of course, but these were two highlights for me. This one also has Franco Nero! Man he played everything! Those two dudes in a little kid who's eaten too much candy's dream flick, ENTER THE NINJA!!!





So Franco Nero plays Cole, a serious badass white dude who becomes a ninja. Everyone is super psyched for him in Japan except for this other badass dude within his dojo. That dudes name is Hasegawa, and he is the "black ninja" as opposed to Cole's "white ninja" getup. None of this shit is lost on kids who grew up watching this a few years after its release who were heavy into G.I. Joe. It was like Stormshadow vs. Snake Eyes in real life. Cole was a veteran though and after the Bush War he went to see his old buddy that he saved during the war who now owns a farm in the Philippines. No idea why. Unless he heard his old buddy just married a SUPER hot chick who is totally not faithful. And he's a scumbag. Maybe that had something to do with it.



So yeah his buddy Landers has married this head strong super hot babe. But Landers himself is kind of a pussy. He's getting bullied by a local mob goon. Little does he know that his farm has a huge oil deposit somewhere on it that the mob goon's boss is after. So Cole rolls into town and he's not scared of any mob goons. He's a genuine fucking ninja. A white one too, which just means those dudes ain't expecting that shit. Cole starts pushing back against the goons. Landers has been getting his ass kicked and mentions that he hasn't been banging his wife. So she shows up to Cole's room in a slinky little night gown one night, and then we're supposed to still buy Cole as a good guy. Didn't really feel so good about him, but I guess he is saving the farm and their lives, so....



So Venarius, the mob boss who owns most of the Philippines by now keeps turning up the heat on the Landers and Cole keeps turning on the ass-kicking. Every time Venarius sends more and more thugs to beat up and take control of Lander's land, and every time Cole beats them to a pulp. So Venarius starts to get pissed and finds out that Cole is a ninja, so he tells his dude to hire him a ninja then. So Venarius's dude travels all the way to Japan and looks to hire a ninja. And wouldn't you know it, he goes EXACTLY to the spot that Cole trained at and gets the ONE DUDE who hates Cole's guts. Hasegawa.



So, somehow Lander's gets killed, and then Cole is bound and determined to kill them all and get retribution. It takes the whole rest of the movie for him and his arch nemesis rival to fight it out to the finish, with Venarius trying to rig the outcome the whole way. Does Cole save the farm for his dead friend and his dead friend's hot wife? You'll have to try and find this one and find out. This was a super awesome flick and sort of started the ninja craze of the 80s. After this one Sho Kosugi did REVENGE OF THE NINJA and NINJA III: THE DOMINATION. I recommend them all.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1986)



"We reserve the right... to refuse service... to ASSHOLES like YOU." - Vunk

"That fat motherfucker right there. That fat motherfucker right there. Them two giggling twin motherfuckers right there. And that skinny walnut headed motherfucker right there ordered 72." - Magneto Jones

"Put those cookies back... MOTHERFUCKER." - everyone in unison.

This is the kind of classic fair you would have seen on USA's "Up All Night" or The Movie Channel's "Joe Bob Brigg's Drive-In Theater". I remember watching stuff like this in the early days of HBO and Cinemax at my dad's used car lot where he had cable before they brought it to the part of town where we lived. Movies like this were made remade over and over. I think there was a Hot Dog movie as well right before or right after this one was made. Classic 80s teenage comedy. Starring Dick Butkus and the ever hot Randi Brooks in HAMBURGER: THE MOTION PICTURE!!!





This kid gets kicked out of a bunch of schools because chicks all want to bang him. He gets in trouble and they send him to the dean, and if the dean's a chick, then SHE tries to bang him. His dad is super pissed and makes it so he can't get into his trust fund if he doesn't get a college diploma. So instead of trying for a nice school and a bigtime diploma he says fuck it and applies to go to Buster Burger University. This is based on McDonalds Hamburger University that they had in the 80s.



So he signs up for the program and moves into the dorms. He gets a roommate whose only purpose in life is to get laid. However "Proco" (our hero) wants to do anything BUT get any ass seeing as how this is what's been getting him in trouble. But sure enough, first thing that happens is girls start sneaking in through his window. He successfully ditches the first few and meets up with his new teacher. Dick Butkus is a real asshole who has it out for him from the beginning. That dude gives them 3 rules. They can only eat food from the University, they have to stay on school grounds, and worst of all (or best in Proco's case) they aren't allowed to have sex the whole time they are students.



Proco is pretty good at dodging the ladies for a while, but somehow falls for a teacher who just so happens to be the CEO's daughter AND Dick Butkus's fiance. So Butkus decides to do everything he can to get rid of Proco from the beginning. Proco's roommate falls for the CEO's wife (Randi Brooks). They are after each other from the beginning. There's a scene where they go after each other in a Chinese restaurant and then they are messing around in a helicopter and somehow it takes off with the soul singer character Magneto Jones along for the ride. Then they crash the helicopter in Dick Butkus's car.



There are some other funny character's like a fat guy who shocks himself to control his overeating, a nerd who gets hypnotised into thinking he's a chicken and a nun who have some pretty good lines. In the end, the final test is for the candidates to run an actual Buster Burger restaurant. Butkus is out to sabotage them and hires a morbidly obese eating team to come through, a biker gang, and a group of angry cops who all come and destroy the place. Ill let you watch and see what becomes of Proco and his team of burger achievers. Should you see this? If you can find it, I'd say watch it. This is some classic forgotten comedy of an age that you can truly say, "they don't make them like they used to ."

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Rocknowledgy Episode 43!!! Ready for your unquenchable appetites!

Alahoyus Rocknowledgists and Thorriors! We're back after a small break. And this one comes on the heels of Record Store Day. On this episode we celebrate the lives of Dave Brockie from Gwar, and Scott "Rock Action" Asheton, both who passed away since our last episode. We also see some of the projects I've been working on lately. Super psyched on this one brothers and sisters!! Crank it up!

Click here for episode! 
http://traffic.libsyn.com/rocknowledgy/Rocknowledgy_episode_43.mp3

Episode 43 playlist:
Intro- T-6000,
 The Action- Ill Keep On Holding On,
 Holly & The Italians- You Better Tell That Girl To Shut Up,
 Chuck Berry- Tulane,
 Gwar- Sick Of You,
 Big Star- Don't Lie To Me,
 Kill The Hippies- Volcano,
 Melvins- Dog Island,
 Herb Alpert- The Spanish Flea,
 Sonic's Rendezvous Band- City Slang,
 Andre Nickatina- Baking Soda Down In Minnesota,
 Basment Sessions w/ Valient Himself- 7 & 7 Is (Love cover),
 Hjortene w/ Valient Himself- 180.000 km/t,
 Big Boys- Gator Fuckin',
 Radio Birdman- Love Kills,
 The Deviants- You've Got To Hold On,
 Earl Grant- House Of Bamboo,
 Hasil Adkins- Change Gears On That Thing,
 Outro- T-6000,
 Golden- Nikki

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Rock'n'Roll Nightmare (1987)



"You've overstepped your line again, Bub. There's a creator's highest law that keeps you in your dark place and yet you and your brethren still insist on coming into this world and trying to steal a place in the world of the living. When will you ever learn?" - Triton

"This is incredible! It is almost no fun to kill one so stupid as to not know who it is that slays him. You are in my domain, and I will kill you as I have killed your pitiful friends." - Demon

"Or is it less familiar to call you Beelzebub? Or do you prefer Abaddon; or as the Hindus called you, Shaitan; or as you are known to answer to, Ahriman? Belial? Apollyon? Asmodeus? Because, you see... I *do* know you." - Triton

Originally titled THE EDGE OF HELL, this piece of Canadian garbage is REALLY bad. No disrespect to Canada. I love Canada, Canadians, their cities, their country, their food (poutine and pogos), their comedy, their weed, and most of all their music (Rush, April Wine, Voivod). Herein lies the problem. This movie stars an awesome Canadian Rock Star, none other than Thor! But man. I don't know what to say. Its a direct to video piece of camp trash. Shot probably with a camcorder definitely in seven days, you can bet this bad boy went straight to video. Now, if anyone has a copy they wanna pass my way, that's a different story. Thor and some of his friends in ROCK'N'ROLL NIGHTMARE!!! (There's no trailer available anywhere, so you'll have to watch this scene. And careful because it DOES CONTAIN SPOILERS!!!)





So in the beginning of this film, a pretty hot mom is making breakfast for her son and husband. She's mumbling to herself about something and (cut upstairs to the husband looking in the mirror) she starts screaming. He runs downstairs and sees the oven shaking and slowly opens it. BOOM! Red smoke and a really fake skeleton with googly eyes pops out and he screams. Then we see a kid on the staircase looking down into the kitchen saying "mommy?", then screaming-- and I'm PRETTY sure it was the fucking "redrum" kid from THE SHINING. Roll intro cards.



While the cards are rolling we get a wild POV shot of the camera running quickly on the floor like we are looking through a dog or cats eyes, or some other little small creature from the synth soundtrack. Then a badass vans hauls ass down the highway. The van is headed up to the same old house from the beginning. But it doesn't arrive until dusk. Out jumps Thor and his band Triton and their girlfriends. They are there to record an album for the next five weeks and its supposedly ten years later. "A month to come up with ten minutes of new music". HAHAHAHA! The van is SO badass, but we're supposed to believe that like 11 people came with them in it? So they start figuring out the living situations. This leads us to believe that there will be much pairing off for dirty 80s sex. Then the evil winds start blowing.



Then they have dinner! Then they go out to the barn to ROCKNROLL! The girl's wash the dishes except the bitchy one. They perform a song called, "We live to rock". Its really bad. Slash awesome. The drummer's girlfriend starts getting all hot and bothered. A little one eyed dick monster pukes in the manager/recording engineers beer. Then they all freak out because he breaks a stick on the last hit of the song.?? The manager goes to get sticks from the basement. Then the drummer's girlfriend comes down and takes her shirt off and starts hitting on him. Its confusing. I think maybe it was supposed to be her drink that got the cyclops dick puke in it. I don't know. She bites his neck and he screams for a minute and then everyone finally hears it at the same time. Ridiculous. So he is disappeared with the van, and so everyone peels off to bang each other.



Thor finds the sticks and knows something foul is going down. A hot chick/gross monster kills the drummer/takes over is body. Groupies show up to hang with the band and the manager shows back up and is creepy as hell telling them to go to the basement and pull out their boobs. Then the next day the band rocks another jam in the barn. "Energy... takes me where I want to be"... Then they all go to have more sex. A huge hand comes out of the drummer's chest and grabs his girls tit. Then yes more sex. Then a little boy shows up and everyone chases him around to find out who he is. Then he has a dog face. Then everyone disappears. Then the little dick monsters run rampant. Then Thor's chick turns into a huge Demon. Thor keeps calling it Bub. Then we find out because its name is Beezlebub. Then they have a really long fight. There's another complete song during the fight. Thor explains the whole thing to Bub. Apparently none of his friends were real and the whole thing was a trap set up to bring out the demon to kill him. Then why did they make us sit through it? BOGUS ending! Anyway, should you watch this? I recommend other bad rock horror movies instead such as TRICK OR TREAT, or SHOCK 'EM DEAD. They're bad too, but ... one has Traci Lords and the other is at least halfway funny.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Prophecy (1995)



"I'm an angel. I kill firstborns while their mamas watch. I turn cities into salt. I even, when I feel like it, rip the souls from little girls, and from now till kingdom come, the only thing you can count on in your existence is never understanding why." - Gabriel

"You see, I'm not here to help you little bitch because I love you or because I care for you, but because two hells is one hell too many, and I can't have that. - Lucifer

"Years later, of all the Gospels I learnt in seminary school, a verse from St. Paul stays with me. It is perhaps the strangest passage in the Bible, in which he writes: "Even now in Heaven there are Angles carrying savage weapons." - Daggett

I remember seeing this one in the theater! I remember it being built up in the press as to be super evil and scary and satanic and everyone was psyched to go see it. It was supposed to THE EXORCIST good. Was it? Well, let's not freak out. Its a pretty good flick from a formula that happens every few years or so. Specifically good angels versus bad angels a la LEGION from a few years back. But with a very good lineup: Christopher Walken, Eric Stoltz, Viggo Mortensen and CASEY JONES from the first TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES flick! Curiously this one also stars Virginia Madsen who I didn't even mention, but was in the last movie I reviewed HIGHLANDER II: THE QUICKENING as well. All of them starring in THE PROPHECY!!!





So this cop (Casey Jones...real name Elias Koteas) Daggett was supposed to be a priest but he chickened out because he saw visions of demons. Fast forward to present day and he's lost his faith and chasing crooks. One day two angels decide to fall to Earth from heaven searching for this super evil dude's soul. Simon (Stoltz) is trying to find it before Uziel (who is supposed to be a bad angel I think). Uziel tries to kill Simon but ends up getting iced. They call Daggett down to the morgue because he was on the scene. They're all tripped out because the dude has both male and female organs, and other weird stuff. I think he didn't have any eyes. Anyway, Simon is tracking down this veteran who died (the evil guy) and gets his soul and removes it from his body. Daggett does some investigating, gets a warning from Simon, finds the obituary in his rented room and goes to the town where the evil soul was.



The coroner finds a handwritten bible on Uziel and gives it to Daggett. It contains a 23rd chapter in Revelation that is unknown. Daggett translates it and finds out there was a second war in heaven where all the angels are pissed that God made and favored humans in a greater light than all his other creations... even the angels. He learns that the "dark soul" it speaks about is the old man's and whoever has control of it can use it as a weapon in the heaven war I guess. So Gabriel (Walken) the head neck chopper for the bad angels comes down to earth to get shit done. He gets a helper and finds out where they have to go to retrieve the soul. Simon meanwhile hides the dark soul in this little Native American girls body. She gets sick but is taken care of by her teacher.



Daggett finds the charred remains of Uziel thanks to Gabriel and decides to go to Chimney Rock Arizona to investigate whatever is going on. Gabriel finds the body of the vet but sees the soul is gone. He then sniffs out Simon and tries to convince him to give it up to no avail. He then rips Simon's heart out and sets him afire! BRUTAL! Daggett finds out the old man was a fucked up cannibal. Gabriel questions the schoolchildren. The teacher goes to the little possessed girls house to check on her and finds Daggett. She takes him to some cave and they see visions of a gnarly angel war with dead bodies and angels impaled on stakes and all manner of heavy shit that would make mom's cringe. They head back over to the girl's house and find Gabriel trying to extract the soul from the little girl. They foil his plans by killing his assistant and blowing up the little girls family's trailer.



Gabriel recruits another helper from a local hospital. Daggett and the teacher go to a Native American reservation and they prepare to perform an exorcism on the girl. All of a sudden Lucifer himself (Mortensen) shows up! He basically tells them that nobody has went to hell since this war started and he's pissed. He thinks that if Gabriel wins then the "new heaven" they are trying to create will be exactly what he already is the king of. Another Hell. And that for Lucifer is one Hell too many. So he tells Daggett to use Gabriel's lagging faith against him. Then we have the big showdown. I won't tell you how it ends. If you're wondering whether or not you should watch this one, go ahead. The one anyway. I can't say anything for the four sequels. But maybe I'll get to those one day. I'll be the second one is at least worth watching. Maybe...

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)



"Most people have a full measure of life... and most people just watch it slowly drip away. But if you can summon it all up... at one time... in one place... you can accomplish something... glorious." - Ramirez

"Okay, now let me just see if I can get this straight. You come from another planet, and you're mortal there, but you're immortal here until you kill all the guys from there who have come here... and then you're mortal here... unless you go back there, or some more guys from there came here, in which case you become immortal here... again." - Louise

"Enough of this useless banter, I will be on my way and leave you to converse with your skull. Farewell, dear shithead, farewell." - Ramirez

Alright. Where to start with this piece of shit? Don't get me wrong-- I respect a movie's right to absolutely suck as much as anybody. I gush about bad flicks. But this one is in a category filed in outer space somewhere. Literally. Someone thought it was a good idea to basically completely throw out the origin story of the Highlanders from the first flick and revamp it and make it like they were from space and throw in a couple of flying Hawkman bad guys that look like they're from THE fucking MATRIX. You like grade "A" dogshit? Strap in. Christopher Lambert, Michael Ironside, and Sean Connery in HIGHLANDER II: THE QUICKENING!!!





So, we start off with an okay premise. Connor MacLeod won "the prize" at the end of the first movie. That means that along with gaining all the knowledge available on Earth and becoming one with every man, woman, child, and animal and basically being all powerful, he has also earned the right to grow old. He chose to do so with his wife, but by the mid 90's she was dying with cancer because the ozone layer was really messed up. He promised to help fix this problem and starts a corporation with a bunch of scientists that covers the earth in a "shield" and saves the humans from the sun's harmful rays. The only problem is that now Earth is in a perpetual state of darkness, and twenty years down the road the people and the general way of life has declined to the point of madness. The shield is governed by an evil corporation that makes huge profits off of the people just to keep them safe from the sun.



Connor MacLeod is now an old man and much like him watching wrestling in the beginning of the first flick, here we find him watching a performance of one of Wagner's operas. Here's where shit go completely mental. All of a sudden, Connery's character (a Spanish Egyptian played by a Scotsman) Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez comes to him and he remembers a flashback from his past. Apparently somewhere on a planet called Zeist, Ramirez is telling a bunch of members of a rebellion that he's choosing a great warrior from their ranks to battle some bad guy named Katana. Just then Katana's forces bust up the party, kill everyone but Ramirez and MacLeod and sentence them to go to Earth and compete for "the prize". Now if you are at all a fan of the first movie and you watch this sequence, you are saying to yourself, "WHAT are they talking about?" This makes absolutely NO SENSE whatsoever. They are aliens? What the fuck was that "there can be only one" shit about then???



So this chick named Louise is a terrorist (?) who wants to take down the shield. Several groups have been trying unsuccessfully to do the same thing. She goes to meet with MacLeod who claims his days of saving the world are over. Meanwhile Katana decides to send these 2 hawkmen matrix goons on flying skateboards to kill MacLeod so that he can't come home to his home planet of Zeist. MacLeod easily kills these ugly mothers and then gets "the quickening" again and becomes young. He's furious about it, but uses it to his advantage because he hasn't even known that chick Louise for an hour and he takes her panties down right there in the alley and bangs her. Its been several months since I've seen this, but I'm quite sure that's how it happens. That means one of four things: He's smooth, OR, she's a slut, OR, this is written TERRIBLY, OR, I'm completely remembering that part wrong. But I think I'm right. She's gotta be a huge slut. Ok, also- SOMEHOW while he was re-quickening, he says Ramirez's name and that gives him the power to resurrect? How did he not know that already? Besides, this is so crazy, if he had all the powers of a god, he could do what he wanted anyway. Correct? Who the fuck knows? So Ramirez comes back to life in the middle of a production of Hamlet, buys an awesome expensive suit with his earring and has enough bread left over to fly to NYC. Plus since the matrix goons failed, General Katana decides to come to Earth and battle MacLeod himself.



So we get another half hour of REALLY BAD one-liners from Katana and then he goes to team up with the evil corpo dudes in charge over at the Shield. They think somehow that they can hold the world hostage with the notion that shutting it off will blow up the Earth. Or something. That's the thing, Louise found out that the sky repaired the ozone on its on, but the Shield corp was basically holding the Earth people hostage by taking their bread for a promise that was a lie. Let's move on to the spoiler warning. If you haven't already watched it, I'm not going to recommend you do, but if you plan on it: SPOILER WARNING **************************************************** Somehow after defeating Katana, MacLeod just walks into the room where the shield is, and basically walks into the light and it breaks it. THAT'S IT!!! That's all he had to do??!! Then the chick sees the stars for the first time and according to which version you actually watch (there are like NINE of them) he takes her and flies back to his stupid goddamn made up planet. Being the fan of the first film that I am, I never need to see this again, and I recommend skipping to the third if you're going to go deep into Highlander territory. Maybe the catchphrase for this one should be: THERE SHOULD BE ONLY ONE... MOVIE.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Waterworld (1995)



"If you'll notice the arterial nature of the blood coming from the hole in my head, you can assume that we're all having a real lousy day." - Deacon

"You know, I thought you were stupid, friend. But I underestimated you. You are a total freaking retard! Ha-ha-ha..." - Deacon

"I don't have a goddamn clue. Don't worry, they'll row for a month before they figure out I'm fakin' it." - Deacon

First things first. I'm not a Kevin Costner fan. Never have been. But take a look at this movie! I thought forever that it was gonna be a piece of shit, but they should've called this MAD MAX 4!! Mad Max underwater! That's basically what it is. "With no where left to go, those that remained took to the seas." Or something like that. I feel like you could've slapped Mel Gibson in here and it wouldn't have been such a flop at the theaters. But what can I say? Old Kevin Costner holds his own. He only had about ten lines in the whole thing, and plus he had Dennis Hopper to play the foil, and you can never go wrong with him. Those two alongside a pretty hot Jeanne Triplehorn in one of the biggest (and most expensive) box office flops ever to grace the silver screen, I present to you WATERWORLD!!





So Kevin C plays this dude that everyone calls "the mariner". They call him this because he never gives us his name and he's obvious a skilled boatsmith. It is some time in the distant future. We are led to believe that as time went along, the polar ice caps all melted and gave way to a new world where those who survived lived on whatever boats were left behind. It is so far into the future in fact that the surviving members of society were born believing that this is how it had always been and always will be, water as far as you go in all directions, with precious few small islands existing somewhere out there. But there are old timers who heard stories and spread rumors that they believe that there is a sacred place somewhere called "Dryland". When the movie begins, we have this unnamed chap floating around the sea in this wild boat that is super fast and is like a sailboat with training wheels.



The guy on his boat speeds up to this floating city to trade some "dry" dirt. He's got a pickle jar full of it. The people are suspicious as to wear the Hell he got the dirt from as its super rare. He is very tight lipped and trades buying himself some drinks and an orange tree. He makes a shitload of bread off of his dirt and then when he's about to leave, the people in the floating city turn on him. They figure out he's a mutant and has webbed toes. They don't like freaks around those parts, so they decide to turn him into compost. About that time, a bunch of Dreadnots on jetskis (that need some serious muffler work) calling themselves "smokers" come into town like a bat outta hell looking for this little girl with a treasure map backplate. Supposedly, the little girl floated into town in a basket and someone had tattooed something on her map that was rumored to be a map to "Dryland".



The bossman of the Smoker's is this dude who calls himself the Deacon (Hopper). He is the captain of this huge oil tanker that we later figure out is supposed to be what's left of the Exxon Valdez. For those of you reading this born in the 90's, that was a tanker in Alaska that ran aground and spilled thousands and thousands of gallon's of oil. It was a national tragedy. Anyway, he wants to kidnap the little girl and be the first one to found a city on Dryland that he'll be the ruler of. Basically he's your everyday ruthless villain with dictator/world domination tendencies a la Cobra Commander. The chick and the little girl miss their chance to escape with the crazy oldtimer on his homemade hot air balloon and end up hitching with the mariner. He can't stand them though because he's a loner. He ends up cutting their hair off to make lashings for the mast. He does end up liking them though because the little girl makes him feel like a piece of shit and says she's his friend. Also we find out that the mariner has all this cool shit because he swims to the bottom of the oceans and finds cool stuff like sony walkmans, clocks, and old copies of national geographic. He tries to tell the girls that there is no dry land, because he's sailed so far and believes that he knows everything.



Around then the mariner takes the chick to the bottom of the ocean to the ruins of Denver to show her that he gets his cool stuff from where humans "used to" hang out. She then realizes that water has now covered all that and her dreams are vanquished. While they're down there, Deacon and some Smokers board his sailboat, kidnap the little chick and destroy the boat. Luckily the little old grandpa flies his balloon over to them, rescues and takes them to the place where all the survivors of the floating city are chilling. The mariner takes a jetski and blazes a trail to find the little chick. The Deacon is only in charge by sheer cleverness. He'd be overthrown in a minute if they knew he had no idea what he was doing. So they're looking the little girl over when the mariner comes on deck and threatens them by holding a flare over their refining oil tank (which makes no sense whatsoever. I know very little about refining oil, but to run that ship and all those exhaust blowing jetskis, theres no way they have the capacity to refine that oil on that ship. That ship was made to haul oil and thats about it. We've seen THE ROAD WARRIOR! You need a whole city for that!). They call his bluff and SHWOOP! He drops the thing down the shaft blowing the whole goddamn ship sky high. BUT... That's not the last of the Deacon! Bungee jumping was REALLY BIG in the mid 90s and the next scene proves that. I won't tell you how this one ends, because its a pretty fun ride even though its a bit of a stretch, and the acting is pisspoor. But as far as another far fetched sequel to MAD MAX goes, there are literally a few hundred who have tried and they're much worse. I thought I would hate it, but it kinda ruled.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Tuff Turf (1985)



"Mm-hmm. So did that girl he brought home for Easter last year. Remember? She was so stoned, all she could do was look at the peas and say, 'Wow, they're so green!'" - Page Hiller

"Oh yeah, if I ever catch you near Frankie again, I'll take you out so fast, you won't even have time to spit." - Nick

"How many bullets are left in this gun, Nick? Enough for Morgan? For my father? For everybody else who doesn't fit in your turf?" - Frankie

This flick was suggested a while back by my friend Robyn. I had heard of it but had never seen it. Boy was I missing out. These type of 80s high school revenge flicks are always up my alley. Starring James Spader, Robert Downey Jr., Kim Richards, and with a musical performance by Jim Carroll Band (with Robert Downey playing drums no less!!) I present to you TUFF TURF!!!





So this flick is basically about Morgan Hiller (Spader). He's just moved to a southern California town from Connecticut where his father has lost his job. In Connecticut the Hiller's were well to do, but since the cut, things are different. No more private school for Morgan who's been in and out of trouble all of his 17 years much like any rich folks I've ever known growing up. Especially ones who live in the shadow of older siblings. This seems to be part of the drama that makes Morgan the obstinate and stubborn teenager that he seems to be. When our story begins Morgan is riding his bike around his new town. Cut to Frankie (Kim Richards) flirting with some dude and asking him for some money. This schmo probably thought he was gonna get laid as he pulls out a money clip fat with cash, but in reality he's about to get robbed by Frankie's punk boyfriend Nick and his boys. And that's what would have happened if Morgan hadn't ridden by and pulled some fast moves on them rescuing homeboy's loot. And pissing off the gang.



The next day is the first day of Morgan's senior year in public school. He gets hassled by the school cops for riding his bike. He goes to the office to register after being clocked in the parking lot by Nick and his gang who hang out and wait for him (all day?) to whoop his ass after school. Robert D. Jr plays Jimmy, a dude who hears about Nick's proposed ambush and hits up his friend "Feather" for her "blade". After already getting chewed out by the principal, Morgan receives the switchblade from Jimmy who sits behind him in class for protection. "YOU GOT- THE SWITCHBLADE". (That's a Legend of Zelda joke folks. Ill be here all week.) Jimmy then invites Morgan to come see his band that night. Apparently he plays drums for The Jim Carroll Band. I love that song "People Who Died". It says my name in it. Anyway, in the parking lot Nick is riding around on Morgan's bike with Frankie on the handlebars. Morgan goes to get it, but is almost hit by a badass '68 Camaro which totally runs over his bike totally crushing it. BUMMER.



He walks his bike home, gets yelled at by his mom (that bike cost $500) and then he bails to see the Jim Carroll Band. On the way there he steals a convertible Porsche because he lives on the edge. He hangs with the band, talks briefly with Jim Carroll who gives him guitar tips, and then proceeds to mack on Frankie because again- he likes to play with fire. He grabs her and forces her to dance with him. The gang arrives and beats his ass and takes the keys to what they assume is his Porsche and then joyride it around town only to be stopped and thrown in jail for grand theft auto. Then Jimmy steals the 68 Camaro and tricks Morgan into thinking he's the goons. They joyride it while Nick is jail and even trick Frankie and her friend. They cruise Beverly Hills and sneak into a bougie country club party, eat a ton of killer food and then when the band takes a break, Morgan jumps on the piano and sings Frankie a jam. They get kicked out and Frankie starts to fall for Morgan and takes him dancing. Nick hears about this bullshit and tells his boys to get Morgan. They beat the shit out of him with padlocks in the locker room, but undeterred Morgan sneaks in Frankie's window the next night asking her to have dinner with his folks the next night. He has to bail quick though because Nick busts into her room after telling Frankie's father that they're getting married (unbeknownst to Frankie).



Morgan is pissed about this supposed "engagement" but Frankie assures him she'll still come to dinner. She does and then bails because she feels like scum compared to them and is embarrassed when Mrs. Hiller asks her about her mother who is dead. Meanwhile the whole dinner is being spied on by Nick and the boys. Nick and the boys cruise around getting drunk and pick up Frankie. They see a cabbie and tell Frankie to ask the driver for money by trading a watch. She sees the cabbie is Morgan's dad, and says she won't do it. Nick says fuck it and they get ready to beat his ass. Frankie tries to warn him, and the old man holds up pretty good until Nick pulls a gun and shoots him! WHOA! GONE TOO FAR DUDE! Frankie totally feels like a piece of crap now and when Morgan comes to see his dad at the hospital she's goes back home with him and bangs him. The next day Nick comes to Frankie's dad's liquor store and beats her and her dad up and makes her call Morgan and invite him to a fight at the warehouse. Morgan goes at them all guns blazing with a goddamn fireman's axe and some Doberman pinchers. I could tell you the end, but if you dig the story so far, you should just go ahead and watch this one. Enjoy!