Friday, December 31, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Evil Bong (2006)

Alahoyus true believers! wow. wow. wow. Ok, in direct juxtaposition with yesterday's entry- I am not proud at all to bring you one of the biggest pieces of shit ever. Having said that, there was something mesmerizing about the whole experience. You would think that the story of a haunted bong that sucks anyone's who smokes out of it's soul into a titty bar inside the bong would be just about the best idea for a movie EVER. AND----- you may be right, except for this guy falters in so many ways that its very hard to be forgiving. With special cameos by someone representing almost every flick in New Moon's video history like Gingerdead Man, "Jack Deth" Tim Thomerson from Trancers, and even Tommy Chong himself (who rated top billing only because he was the only one the general public was familiar with) New Moon Home Video Entertainment brings you: EVIL BONG!!!!!

So I basically gave you the plot in the first paragraph. A nerd goes to rent a room with 3 other stoner dudes. He doesn't smoke weed and wants to keep all his brain cells. One of the roommates reads about a haunted bong for sale in the back of High Times mag. They order it, and one by one get sucked inside of it after taking at hit. The bong begins to take on human features. Inside of the bong there's a titty bar. One of the dancer chicks is Brandi from Season one of Rock of Love. HA! Every time someone gets sucked inside, they bump into another character from the New Moon movies trying to get out.

Also, the strippers in the bong kill the dudes with their bras. I thought this was ridiculous, but it turns out that its another marketing ploy by Charles Brand, the writer and producer to sell a line of novelty bras. Motherfucker is an entrepreneur. There are lots of boobs. Then, just as the nerds girlfriend is getting sucked into the bong, Chong shows up. His name is Jimbo and its his bong.

His wife sold it, along with his "hotwheels cars". The nerd goes in after his chick with some vitamins that Jimbo gives him. My problem with this movie is not so much that its ridiculous in the first place, my problem is in its execution. First of all, while I was stoned, the fucking beginning credits seemed like they took forever. Part 2: There are these segways between scenes with this swirly pot leaf, that are like a combination of the ones between the old batman show, and That 70s Show. They are super long, and SUCK, and have terrible music. If you took those out altogether, the fucking movie would improve by about 30%. No shit. Its that bad. Not only is the music horrendous, but the characters overacting like stoner "bros" is a little much too. Even REALDEAL surfer dudes don't use the term "bro" so much. Maybe surfer frat boys do though. Anyway, its almost too much to handle. They don't make the characters likable at all. In fact they make you want them to be killed because of the way they speak.

Not much else to add here. Truly a horror movie for the acting and the music, and the graphics. They were all horrible. Horrorible. Ha! what else? lots of boobs, but I'd have to have a lot stronger weed to be convinced to watch this again. BUT would I watch the sequel EVIL BONG 2: KING BONG? Fuck yes. AND, am I excited about the making of EVIL BONG 3D?? Absolutely. Ill really try to watch anything once. This'll be the last post of 2010. Had to take it out with a bang. or a bong. Whatever. This movie sucked. pass.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Eiger Sanction (1975)

"Get out of here. Either of you friggin' vampires ever touch this telescope, you're gonna need surgery to get it out of your ass!"- Ben

"Here's to the selfish killer and the patriotic whore. I usually keep a twenty in the bowl by the door. You might pick it up on the way out."- Hemlock

Alahoyus everybody! Doing research on this flick, I was blown away at Clint Eastwood's background as a director. He's been lauded I guess for years. I know more recently I've been paying attention since "Mystic River", but I had no idea that he directed "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" or "The Bridges of Madison County". He even did a couple of his own earlier cowboy flicks... Who knew? The one I am here to rally around and totally celebrate today is his fourth film as a director. This flick was one of my favorites growing up and I've seen it many many times. I always thought it was one of his strongest, dare I say my favorite movies as an actor, and I never even took to time to notice that he directed it. It blows away a lot of Bond flicks if you ask me. Unbelievable cast, breathtaking cinematography, awesome banter, and one of the most tightly written adaptations I've ever seen. Ladies and gremlins, George Kennedy and Clint Eastwood in THE EIGER SANCTION!!!

Brief descriptions can't really sum up the beautiful scenery that unfolds in this story of hired assassins and they kill us/we kill them. I only want to give a brief plot summary on this flick because even though its not that "talked about" of a flick these days, it IS available and rather easy to find if you are willing to do some digging. And believe me it is worth it!

The Eiger Sanction is a great flick about international espionage. Dr. Hemlock (Eastwood) is a college art history professor/ art collector/ ex mountain climber/ and ex assassin for a government agency known as C2. He retired and spent the bread from his "sanctions" (or killings) on rare paintings. He is contacted by his old employer "Dragon" through a courier named "Pope". Dragon wants him to do 2 more sanctions. He decides to do one of them, so that he can afford a rare painting that just went on the market for his collection.

On his way back home, he meets a woman named Jemimah Brown. She bangs him and steals his money and paintings, hired by Dragon to basically convince Hemlock to take the other sanction. When Hemlock goes to get his shit back from Dragon, he's pissed but finds out its his old bud that he's getting revenge for. He claims that's all they had to say. The fucked up thing is he has to not only go back to being a killer, but go back and tackle something that had already almost killed him- twice. The Eiger, a huge legendary mountain in Switzerland.

He decides to take the job, but first he must go train in Arizona with his old climbing buddy Ben. Here you get a chance to see the Totem, this insane natural formation out in AZ. They climb it for practice and the view is breathtaking. I can only imagine what it took to film these scenes. There's a bunch of other characters here and a bunch of old scores to settle dealing with betrayal and other heavy shit that I can't get into, because I don't wanna give too much away. It sounds like I've told a lot already, but this is a very layered yet easy to follow masterpiece. There's a bunch of hot women, a bunch of back and forth backstabbing, and bunch of back story that connects and makes the frayed ends make sense, and the flick is set up into a few sections. The whole ending is the actual climb. This is one of those underrated films that was never really put on a pedestal and deserves much more recognition than it gets. Find and watch this badboy at all costs! doublemcthumbs up! Happy new years dears!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Four of the Apocalypse (1975)

a really amazing film. One of the last of the Italian or "Spaghetti" Western genre, made in 1975, Four of the Apocalypse was one of Lucio Fulci's top 2 favorite movies that he ever made according to him. Not a well known flick, this was made at the end of the popularity of such films and therefore didn't make that big of a splash. Also made a few years before Fulci made his full on dive into the splatter horror field, this film showed him exploring ideas of the undead speaking with humans, and them being thought of as crazy. It had a few wild ideas. But def a great showing. Fabio Testi, Michael J Pollard, and Tomas Milian star in Lucio Fulci's FOUR OF THE APOCALYPSE!

This is the story of 4 strangers, coincidentally locked up at the same time in the same down on its luck "just about to be" ghost town. Stubby, Clem, Butt, and Bunny are a gambler, drunk, crazy mortician, and pregnant prostitute who narrowly escape being slaughtered by some apparent clansmen who were "cleaning up" a town somewhere in the old west. A shitty conniving sheriff takes Stubby's bread and lets them go out on their own into the wild.

They head south toward a town called Sandtown and meet up with some religious folk from Switzerland. Then they meet up with treacherous and sadistic Chaco. He befriends them and gains the trust of everyone but Stubby. Then he gives them peyote, ties them up, humiliates Clem, rapes Bunny, and steals all their shit. What an asshole. Stubby vows revenge. He also shoots Clem in the leg. Stranded, they make a stretcher and walk through the desert trying to find a town to get Clem some help.

But they end up having to hide from Chaco again as he slaughters the religious folk. Then they brave heinous rainstorms and soon find an abandoned town. Clem croaks, Butt goes crazy and serves them some of Clem's actual butt after claiming he killed an animal. Then they leave his ass there talking to ghosts. Then by chance they run into an old preacher friend of Stubby's. During dinner, Bunny's water breaks.

They haul ass up into the snowy mountain range and find a town that is almost deserted except for about 30 miners. They are wary at first of anyone coming around especially women. They get one dude who's married 3 women to deliver the baby, even though he doesn't really know what he's doing. They spend the next 15 minutes getting excited about the baby, and taking bets on it and all that shit. Finally she has the baby, but Bunny dies right after childbirth. Then the miners get all excited and name the baby Lucky, and shower him with gifts, and money. Stubby leaves them with the baby knowing he'll never be as good to the baby as they will. They give him a horse, some clean clothes and a pistol. He then sneaks up on Chaco's gang, and gets his revenge. Then for some reason out of nowhere, THE UGLIEST DOG i've ever seen runs up to him, and he's like, come on little doggie. Pretty great flick. But I think its pretty rare. I found it used in Austin. But it can be had. Look it up on amazon or whatever. Melekaleeky maka!

Monday, December 27, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: C.H.U.D. (1984)

"I know your work. You go by the name of being alive and you are dead. They have the power to shut the sky! They have the power to shut the sky!!" - Val

"Are you kidding? Your guy's got a camera. Mine's got a flamethrower."- Bosch

"Cooper, you son of a bitch. I'm in jail. I only get one phone call. You think I wanna waste it talking to some goddamn fucking machine?"- baglady

Man, this is a horrible flick. I remember watching it when I was younger. I think I watched it around the first time I saw House as well. I know there's a sequel, and I think I saw it around the same time, however, I couldn't remember shit about either one of them. There's not really a lot to tell about this one. I accidentally turned on the commentary halfway through, and even the people who made it, and the actors were bagging on how bad it was. But the thing is actually full of names. Daniel Stern, John Heard, and a super early cameo by John Goodman (the same year he played the cop in Revenge of the Nerds) in- C.H.U.D.!!!

So, in the beginning, this chick is walking her dog, and a monster grabs her from a manhole. This lady turns out to be this police chief Bosch's wife. He is becoming involved in the beginning in a coverup by the city to suppress rumors about monsters living in the sewers, but once his wife disappears, he starts investigating on his own. He visits Daniel Stern who is a dude who runs a soup kitchen named AJ Shepard. Shepard claims like 12 of his regulars who live in the sewer haven't shown up in days. While all this is going on, a photographer who hates shooting models now, and wants shoot homeless people has discovered the shit is going down as well.

Then his wife gets pregnant, he visits some injured homeless people, and Bosch investigates some more. They find out the NRC or nuke regulatory commission has forbidden the city to tell anyone whats happening. Meanwhile more people keep getting eaten. We finally start seeing the CHUDs with the giant glowing eyes. CHUD turns out to stand for cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers, and due to pressure the head cheese caves and after they find a dead CHUD, they decide to close off the city and gas the fuckers, even if it kills the homeless.

The goodguys have big problems with that plan, because you shouldn't kill the homeless. And they go to tell them. AJ, and the photographer get trapped in the sewer. Some reporter gets snatched up, and they are trying to find a way out. Then the photographers wife finds a dog's head in her basement! Also she's pregnant. I forgot that part. So then she decides to take a shower to wash the dog's head memory from her brain, and the drain is stuck, and for some reason not explained, she pokes a hanger into the drain to unclog it, and gets sprayed all over with blood. Its hilarious, and like I said, the actors are all making fun of it when I turned on the commentary, and they had a bunch of rewrites apparently. Anyway, then she's like sitting on the bed. Daniel Stern says, " yeah, she's just had blood sprayed all over her, so she's just sitting there- refecting." I should start watching these with the commentary on more. Its kind of like the old MST3K days. And makes them a bit more bearable to watch. A bit...

So then what? The head nuke dude is pissed. He tries to kill the cop, and I don't know. Anyway, I think those guys got out. Whatever. Watch this one if you want. But get stonish first. Because its pretty good, but really bad. Worth it. Just for the weird cameos, and the shitty plot. The CHUDs kind of look like shit. I think I'm gonna watch part 2 though. Excelsior!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Class of Nuke 'Em High (1986)

"But what about the Fellini festival?"- Warren
"Warren - fuck the Fellini festival!"- Chrissy

""Holy shit, what is all this green stuff?"- Toxic worker

Alahoyus everyone! Came home to my earth parents for the holidays, and dug out some old VHS favorites! I've always been a fan of Troma since I first landed here on Earth. I'm pretty sure one of my first experiences with them was a flick from 1983 called The First Turn-On... sort of a raunchy teen summer camp flick. After that, I discovered ol Toxie himself in Toxic Avenger. I was hooked. These guys, especially in the old days knew how to make a quality low budge film. Some of the new ones are incredibly painful to sit through, but this follow up to The Toxic Avenger is sure to make any fan of toxic waste, punk rockers, and 80s teenage lust go apeshit! Many of the same actors from the first Toxie flick return in CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH!!!

This is the story of Tromaville High School conveniently located a quarter mile from the Tromaville Nuclear Power Plant. Tromaville, being the nuclear waste capital of America (and looking extremely like Jersey city) has had its share of trouble lately. Pat Healy stars as the fat asshole head of the plant who doesn't want to get in trouble when the shit goes down and a pipe bursts at the facility leaking deadly toxins into the neighborhood and down the street into the basement of the school.

This may or may not be the reason that all of a sudden last month, the honor society decided that the school could fuck off and they'd start dressing like a cross between punk rockers, aboriginees, and fucking looney tunes characters. Some of their outfits are very strange. One dude who carries a bone around with rings in his nose has this large mouth guard in his mouth for most of the flick. Its distracting to say the least. Another one has a fucking rubber rooster comb on top of his head. That dude by the way has the funniest scene in the flick, when he asks this secretary if anyone ever told her to knock when she enters a room, then he spins around with a fucking M-16 and pumps her full of lead. She falls backwards ramming the door, and then falls in a heap in the office outside. Its ridiculous and you can see a few seconds of it in the trailer above. It doesn't really do it justice though, because the humor comes from being in the moment. Why does that guy have an M-16 in the first place?

Anyway, besides the punk rockers or "Cretins" as they're referred to, there are Warren and Chrissy and their friends. Warren is too chicken to pork Chrissy, and his buddies are gunning for him to do it. So they buy some weed from the Cretins, thinking this will loosen him up. The weed they buy is called "Atomic High", and the Cretins buy it from some of the workers at the Nuclear plant who grow it in the toxic waste barrels. Awesome!! So, as soon as they smoke it, Chrissy wants to fuck. They do, and then they feel sick. Chrissy gets pregnant, and vomits her nuke baby up into a toilet at school that gets flushed into the basement. Warren goes on a rampage and wastes some of the Cretins.

After that, the Cretins plan on getting Warren back, get expelled from school, and then they say fuck it, you can't stop us, and plot their revenge. All the while the nuke baby is growing in the basement. I'll save the details, because you all should DEFINITELY watch this one. Its class out the ass. 2 thumbs and 1 tail up in the air!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review/theater: Night of the Living Dead (1968)

"Are they slow-moving, chief?"- Reporter
"Yeah, they're dead. They're all messed up."- Sheriff

"They're coming to get you, Barbara"- Johnny

"Tell the people for God's sake to get off the streets! Tell them to go home and lock their windows and doors up tight! We don't know what kind of murder-happy characters we have here!"- Radio DJ

ALAHOYUS EVERYONE! Today is killer because not only do I review one of the classics, but today here at B.A.F.R., we are psyched to present our first film viewing straight from here on the site!!! for freeeeee!! WELCOME TO BAD/AWESOME FLIXXX THEATER!! And what a gem. This is the zombie movie that pretty much set the standard for all zombie flicks. Not sure if it was in fact THE first zombie flick, I'd have to look that up, but for sure its THE "go to" model. George Romero spent around 114 grand, and made somewheres around 12 million bucks, making it one of the most successful independent films of all time (especially in its day). The release and widespread love of this movie shook Hollywood to its knees showing big wigs that they didn't know shit. About budgets, or what the people wanted. So, be sure to check out and watch this amazing flick in its entirety at the bottom of the post. Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review and Bad/Awesome Flixxx Theater are proud to present: NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD!!!

So, since this is my first review where you can actually watch the fucking movie right after I review it, I'm gonna keep it short and sweet. If you've EVER seen pretty much ANY zombie movie, you know the formula. Well, it comes from this flick here. Johnny and Barbara have driven out to the sticks from Pittsburgh, and it actually must be quite a ways from the city, because Johnny keeps complaining that they have a 3 hour drive home. Anyway, they're out there to put a wreath on a grave for their mother. Johnny is teasing Barbara, delivering one of my favorite lines in history, when all of a sudden the shit goes down, and doesn't really stop going down for the entire movie. A dude comes outta no where, slams Johnny's head on a grave, and somehow renders Barbara completely and utterly useless for the duration of the entire fucking movie. She runs to her car, and then you get one of the most frightening scenes I can remember from my childhood, when that first zombie is bashing in the car. Then she runs to a farmhouse, and gets stuck with some others. That's all I say here. Whenever you have a moment, do yourself a favor, click the link below and enjoy this movie. Awesome score/soundtrack, awesome cinematography, A+++ all around. If you've never seen it, you owe it to yourself to veg out. Happy Zombidays everybody!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Laserblast (1978)

This is one of the worst pieces of shit I ever sat through. The thing here is, I had no idea Mystery Science Theater 3000 had riffed this movie, or I'd have watched their version instead. I'd like to see their version, but seriously, trust me here: I have no intention of EVER seeing this movie again. HA! Having said that, I would never discourage anyone from spying the misery for themselves. Im not here to critique these movies. I'm just throwing out thoughts and discussing and giving my review. Every single thing posted here has some sort of merit to it or I just wouldn't bother with it, nahm sayn? Sometimes bad is EXACTLY what the doctor ordered... And that is exactly what this is... with cameos by Eddie Deezen, a guy known for his voice on cartoon network cartoons' like Dexter's Lab, and this one dude who true nerds may remember as Cal Pettie (the guy who became the dude who took care of Fred Sanford after Lamont left, and "Sanford and Son" became just "Sanford"), Roddy "Planet of the Apes" McDowell and nobody else in LASERBLAST!!

So, this thing starts out with a dude running through the desert. His eyes are all sunken back into his head and he's got this big honkin' lasergun attached to his side. Then a spaceship flies up and these two claymation lizard guys jump out and they fucking evaporate the one dude. But for some reason they just leave the gun and his necklace laying in the sand. I guess they didn't need it.

Then there's this guy Billy. He's a local dude who has it shitty in a shitty town. The only thing rad is his girl and his van. Otherwise he would split... or you would hope he would. His mom is a slut, and his girlfriends dad hates him, there are bullies who pick on him, and the local yocal hick cops have it out for him. So for some reason, he stops his van out in the desert and finds the gun and the necklace and put it on, and blows up cactuses and shit for about ten minutes.

So then his chick is like, "let's go to this pool party at the ugly girl's house", so he does, but he's all tired, so he just lays by the pool and sleeps. Then his girl goes to the bathroom to change, and billy goes to look for her after a while, and busts in on the one bully basically raping her! Then the bullies try to beat him up, but he fucks them up and they split. Then later he blows the guys car up with a ---LASERBLAST! Get it??

Ok, so- the very next day!- a government dude shows up and tells the sheriff he wants to investigate the blast and the desert and to seal off the town. Either nothing was going on in the world that this dude could just react so quickly to an explosion or LOTS of shit was going down so they had dudes in the area. No one ever explains. I guess that's left up to the viewer. He's there for whatever reason you want him to be there. I like to think he was there to investigate holes in the plot. Anyway, you know what else happens? A whole lot of revenge and then about 20 minutes of laserblasts to finish off the flick.

**********SPOILER WARNING******************

They kill him. But WHY THE FUCK do the aliens leave the fucking gun and pendant again?? Their superior TOLD them to go back and get it. Either that was the thing all along, or They are just fucking complete idiots. or stoned. or badly written.

Friday, December 10, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Phantasm (1979)

-"Okay. I see it, I see it all now. What we gotta do is we gotta snag that tall dude and stomp the shit out of him, and we'll find out what the hell is going on up there. Yeah! We lay that sucker out flat and drive a stake right through his Goddamn heart!"- Reggie
-"You gotta be shittin' me, man! That mother's STRONG! "-Mike

-"You're sure it wasn't that retarded kid, Timmy, up the street?"- Jody

One of my all time favorites here, another by Don "Beastmaster" Coscarelli. This is a horror classic that I've watched many times over the years. It seems to get better and better, yet no matter how many times I watch it, there are still scenes that no one can seem to explain. Coscarelli filled the movie with a bunch of weird shit including a silver ball that flies across the room at lightning speed, stabs you in the face and drills into your forehead shooting blood all across the room. Come to think of it, the fucking title doesn't even really make any sense. Angus Scrimm, Reggie Bannister, tons of great lines, and a bunch of nobodies in- PHANTASM!!!

So when the flick starts out, this dude is banging this heinile chick in a graveyard, then all of a sudden she stabs the shit out of him, and turns into this hideous old man. Next scene this dude Jody is going to his buddies funeral, and he runs into his buddy Reggie who drives an ice cream truck in town. Then you see Mike hauling ass across the graveyard on his dirt bike. He keeps having trouble starting it. So Jody is back in town after him and Mike's parents were killed. Mike is freaking out and following Jody around because he knows that eventually that Jody is gonna hit the road again soon in his badass car and get the fuck out of their podunk town where everyone is getting killed anyway. Mike starts seeing weird shit right away. I'm not going to give away the plot here, because everyone should see this flick, but there are weird things I'd like to comment on.

-I love the flying silver ball. When it stabs into the one dude and he pisses himself, that is the definition of classic.
-I don't understand where and who or what was going on with Mike hanging with the chicks in the antique store.
-Jody and Reggie totally fucking jam.
-Why did Mike not go back to the creepy chick and her psychic grandmother?
-Why didn't he freak out when that black box appeared and then disappeared? I would have at least asked "what up wit dat?"
-The score is really badass. Kind of John Carpenter style

The Tall Man is one of the creepiest aspects of the movie. What I really don't understand is Jody and Mike's need to investigate this shit. Who gives a shit? As soon as I saw any of it, Ill be damned if I'd head back into the basement of that fucking masoleum. No way jack. Whatever, I could go on and on, but you should just watch this one for yourself. And when you see The tall man walking in slow motion down the street, and slow down and stop when Reggie opens the ice cream truck, then you will know the meaning of creepy. Two old skeletons thumbs up.

UPDATE!!: I didn't wanna give too much away on this one, so I neglected to give a proper plot summary... but ol Sadat Thorr had this to say (which I think sums it up perfectly, and is a great addition to the review):

"This movie has the greatest storyline of any horror movie...tall creep steals corpses..shrinks em down...reanimates them...then sends them through a portal back to his home planet to use as slaves.....classic!" - Sadat Thorr

Thanx brutha!

Monday, November 29, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Lolita (1962)

Double shot today. I watched this a week and a half ago, and didn't get a chance to put it up, but now you get double the waste of time for the day! A total creepster classic with an amazing cast. I feel like I saw almost every movie Stanley Kubrick made growing up except for this one. I totally blew it. Sometimes the Melvins play movies before they go on, and I've seen them play Lawrence of Arabia before their show. When we were on tour with Mastodon this spring, Brann was talking about them playing this when he saw them last, and we ended up watching some of it in North Dakota before the show. I heard one line that made me have to go buy a copy and watch it:

"here you go dear, its "loaded" with mayonnaise just the way you like it."

I fell on the floor hearing this description of the sandwich Humbert Humbert had prepared for Lo. Adapted from Vladimir Nabokov's novel, I am very psyched to bring you Shelley Winters, James Mason, an incredible Peter Sellers, and an unknown Sue Lyon in one of Kubrick's best: LOLITA!

The film starts off with an old dude busting in on a mansion with a pistol in his hand yelling out a name. The dude he's looking for uncovers himself from a sheet on a chair and is still drunk from the apparently wild party from the night before. The drunk guy is Clare Quilty (Sellers) and the shooter is Humbert Humbert (Mason). "Are you Quilty?" "No, I'm... Spartacus. You come to free the slaves or sumpn?" Quilty tries to get Humbert to play table tennis with him unsuccessfully until he realizes Humbert is gonna shoot him. He then starts playing Chopin and suggesting they write a play together. Then Humbert shoots him.

Then we flash back 4 years, and ol Humbert is gonna spend the summer before he starts teaching in Ohio in New Hampshire. He's looking for rooms to rent and he meets Charlotte Haze (Winters), and she's flirting it up with him and she's like a sexually frustrated widower. He's putting her off, until they check out the garden out back. He takes one look at her daughter and is like, "how much?" Creep city.

So this old geezer falls in love with Lolita, and the mom is still trying to swoon him. She gets pissed and is gonna send Lolita off to camp, and the day she does, Charlotte leaves a letter for Humbert saying if he doesn't want to hang and marry her, he's gotta split. And he's reading it and laughing his ass off, but for some reason THAT I CANNOT FATHOM, he fucking actually marries her!!! The only reason I can see that he did it is so that he can be closer to Lo. The creep keeps a secret diary of his lust. Then one day, Hum is getting fed up with Charlotte's shit. She's fucking crying and whining, and he actually thinks about shooting her and killing her.

But he can't do it. But then she finds his diary, and freaks out. He goes to make some drinks, and then all of a sudden, she runs out in a rain storm and gets hit by a fucking car! LUCKIEST SONOFABITCH EVER!!! He personally goes to the camp and pulls Lo out, and says something has happened but doesn't tell her she's dead. Now Lo just so happens to be a totally dirty lil scoundrel herself and decides to flirt and eventually bang ol Humbert at a hotel he takes her to.

So, while they're at the hotel, an old friend of Charlotte's this movie star dude Quilty notices Lo, and goes on a plot to steal her away from stupid ol Humbert. He's smart and he basically hounds him and dogs him right and left and eventually steals Lo away and drives Humbert insane. The flick is rad. A creepy quality that lacks in modern films. I haven't seen the remake but I heard it was a bit dirtier. They couldn't make this one super dirty because of censorship at the time. Im gonna go ahead and highly recommend this one, especially if you're a dirty ol creep.

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bad/awesome flixxx review: Star Slammer (1987)

What can I say? I like space flicks, and I like chick prison flicks. If you gimme a space chick prison flick, I'm gonna watch it, no matter how godawful it is. There's gotta be some story with this flick that I can't find. The full name of it is THE ADVENTURES OF TAURA: PRISON SHIP- STAR SLAMMER. But it's advertised as about 10 different names, as you can see from the poster above. Star Slammer: The Escape? Whatever, its still one of a line of about 45 or 50 super shitty/killer movies by a man named Fred Olen Ray. I can't even find a trailer for it, so you know its low budget. That means it was probably direct to video, but that doesn't mean anything really, it can just mean they are harder to find. Anyway, instead of a trailer, I posted a few quick scenes so you get the picture of what we're dealing with here. So, without further ramblings, I proudly present a bunch of strippers from the 80s "starring" in: STAR SLAMMER!

Basically, the flick begins with Taura hanging out with some little dudes who kind of look like the goblins from Troll 2 way out in the desert on some planet. Then this old wizard comes by and is sad because he can't afford his space taxes. Then this tax collector Bantor shows up with a pink haired toadie, and a bald down the middle cyborg guy who has long flowing platinum hair otherwise. Sort of like an advanced golden eagle quaff. They say they're there to take the goblins crystals, and then the wizard tries to stop them. They vaporize his ass, and then Taura kills a few of them with a claw hammer, cutting off Bantor's hand, but they eventually catch her. Then she's tried by the Space Council and thrown on this Spaceship Jail called the Vehemence.

Then she meets her Lesbian warden and gets smacked around by the hot (?) prison chicks. Then the boss of the cell block comes by. She's a cyclops named Muffin! Ha! After that, you (surprisingly) see the only set of boobs in the movie. Well, you see them twice because she feels the need to change shirts twice, but with all the t&a, cleavage, and bouncing around on the set, I have to say, I expected more.

So, after that, you get a lot of catfights, some pg space sex, food fights, a cool mute midget, a giant monster, some rats trying to eat faces, and Bantor gets assigned to the ship to take care of business. He's got a cyborg hand now, and he's pissed at Taura.

Then, after the prisoners make peace with each other, they plan to bust out. They cut off Muffin's hand and then stab her to death, and then with the help of this Asian scientist chick (who goes from scientist outfit to unitard in half a scene) they start fighting their way through the ship to Bantor's escape pods.

Finally they get away, but, Bantor gives chase in a space pod, and there's a space shoot em up. Also they hid the rat in Bantor's pod, and it jumps out and bites his face (one of my favorite parts). At the end, they show a shot of Taura running around, and much like Buckaroo Banzai, promise a sequel that was never made. Should you see this? Well, If there is nothing else at all to watch. Yes. Its okay. But there's lots better. Word.