Sunday, April 28, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Death Race 2000 (1975)

"You know Myra, some people might think you're cute. But me, I think you're one very large baked potato." - Joe

"Frankenstein! Frankenstein the legend, Frankenstein the indestructible! Sole survivor of the titanic pile-up of '95, only two-time winner of the Transcontinental Road Race... Frankenstein! Ripped up, wiped out, battered, shattered, creamed, and reamed... a dancer on the brink of death... Frankenstein, who lost a leg in '98, an arm in '99! With half a face and half a chest, and all the guts in the world, he's back!" - Junior

"To recap those revisions: women are still worth 10 points more than men in all age brackets, but teenagers now rack up 40 points, and toddlers under 12 now rate a big 70 points. The big score: anyone, any sex, over 75 years old has been upped to 100 points." - Harold

This is an old favorite, and one that Valient Thorr has shown behind us before when we've played live. Its an amazing low budget flick with young "will be" superstar actors David Carradine and Sylvester Stallone. It was produced by ol Roger Corman and was one of only 2 flicks where he gave up a percentage of the gross to an actor. Carradine got 10% of this one, and I believe the other was Ron Howard in GRAND THEFT AUTO. Anyway, a gory ride indeed, kick back and check out DEATH RACE 2000!!!

In the future, the US has run out of money, and the political climate is dismal. The US has eroded into one bipartisan party that rules the country as a business AND as a church. In this Police State the major form of entertainment that has come forward is a bloody three day cross country race in which racers and their navigators are encouraged to not only kill the other racers, but to run over any pedestrians that get in their way. You don't actually win by being the first to cross the finish line, but you can steal the race by the points you accumulate according to how many and what age group pedestrians you murder. That is, if you finish the race at all... (followed by exaggerated Blowflyesque maniacal laughter)

The country is ruled by a "Mister President" who doesn't even come out in public much except for maybe once a year to give his blessing to the games and the winner. The presumed winner of this year's race (as he's won the last howmanyever years in a row) is Frankenstein, a man who wears a mask because of the extensive damage done to his face and body over course of many years transversing and outwitting numerous racers to be victorious. His competitors are Machine Gun Joe Viterbo (a gangster), Calamity Jane Kelly (a cowgirl), Matilda the Hun (a nazi), and Nero the Hero (a Roman). Each one has a car and navigator designed to fit their persona. Frankenstein's car is a custom Shayla Vette that looks like an alligator. Its pretty awesome.

The year 2000 is the 20th annual race and there is a resistance group that is out to kill the racers and make a stand against Mister President. They plan on kidnapping Frankenstein and using him as leverage. They kill almost all of the racers themselves and even go so far as to circumvent the actual national race footage by pirating a signal announcing their mission, but the government covers this up and blames it on the French (the national enemy of the time blamed for ruining their economy in the first place - and their telephone system). Frankenstein's navigator is the granddaughter of the mastermind behind the resistance- Thomasina Paine (a reference to the American Revolutionary Thomas Paine). The granddaughter Annie is supposed to kidnap Frankenstein but instead she falls in love with him when he divulges that all of his character traits are bullshit made up by the government to have a national hero. Whenever one Frankenstein dies, another takes his place. He doesn't even know how many Frankensteins there have been. His fake burnt eyeball, legs, arms, that's all a sham. This guy doesn't even like the President, but he isn't going to let the granddaughter of some revolutionary chick stop his OWN plans... (more maniacal laughter)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SPOILER WARNING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So Frankenstein plans to kill Mister President himself by using his "hand grenade" but Annie has to use it to kill Machine Gun Joe. Then Frankenstein drugs Annie and Thomascina and her resistance think she is dead. So Frankenstein gets Annie to dress up and kill the President by stabbing him. When Mister Pres goes to shake Frankie's hand, he announces a war against France and appoints Frankie the Minister of War or something like that, but Thomascina shoots her own granddaughter thinking she's killing Frankenstein. Frankenstein then jumps in his car and rams the stage killing Mister President once and for all. Then they get married and Frankie abolishes the race. Then this really annoying sportscaster whom we've seen the whole movie gets in front of Frankie's new car freaking out on him for stopping the race. So Frankie gives the people what they want and runs over his ass. Should you see this? Yup, this is a classic. Enjoy.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Omen (1976)

"When the Jews return to Zion / And a comet rips the sky / And the Holy Roman Empire rises, / Then You and I must die. / From the eternal sea he rises, / Creating armies on either shore, / Turning man against his brother / 'Til man exists no more." - Father Brennan

"Wrong? What could be wrong with our child, Robert? We're the beautiful people, aren't we?" - Kathy Thorn

"The child is dead. He breathed for a moment. Then he breathed no more. The child is dead. Dead. The child is dead." - Father Spilleto

Richard Donner! Director of the first SUPERMAN (the second one too if they hadn't have fucked him over), THE GOONIES, and the first couple LETHAL WEAPONs brings us this tale of a terribly evil little boy that prophesy says will bring about the destruction of the world. A scary 70s flick with Gregory Peck, Roy Boyd (from THE WICKER MAN), and Lee Remick in THE OMEN!!!

A child dies born to the wife of the newly elected US ambassador to Great Britain. He's stationed in Rome and this old preacher somehow convinces Thorn (the dude) to take another newborn white baby whose mother had just died. He reluctantly does so thinking that it will be better for his wife if she never knows that her baby died.

Fast forward to his fifth birthday party and everyone is having a good time until this big black dog shows up. It catches eyes with Damien (the baby)'s nanny and she goes upstairs and proclaims to the whole party, "It's all for you Damien, it's all for you." and hangs herself out the fucking window. Kids start screaming, a clown hides a kid's eyes, it's a mess. So then this other nanny shows up out of nowhere bullshitting them that "the agency" sent her over after they read about the incident in the paper. And she takes in the big scary growling dog as a pet.

They try to take Damien to church and he has an absolute fucking freakout. Same thing at the zoo, the baboons jump all over the car trying to smash in the windows to get to him, but none of the other animals will have anything to do with him. On a business trip, a preacher comes and warns Thorn that his son is evil and may not be human and gets thrown out. But he keeps showing up telling Thorn that his wife is preggers and that Damien will never let the child be born. So the wife starts acting weird, and says she's pregnant but wants an abortion. Thorn says no way, because he doesn't want to believe the prophesy. So he meets with the preacher again who tells him that he's gotta kill his son, who isn't really his son anyway. And he tells him the only one who can help him. And then that preacher gets killed. And then Damien runs into his mother while she's hanging something and she falls over a railing and loses the baby. Thorn goes on a trip with this photographer who thinks his pics predict the deaths associated with Damien to find out who Damien's mother really was. The photog has a vested interest since his camera caught his reflection in a mirror revealing that he would die soon also.

They visit the hospital where Damien was born. Then they go to a monastery to visit the monk who performed the surgery. Then they go dig up the graves of the mother (a jackal) and Thorn's real son, who had his head bashed in so that the Antichrist would be placed into a family of wealth. Then a bunch of dogs chase them outta there. Then they go see this dude Bukenhagen who gives them the special knives to kill the kid with. Thorn freaks and throws them away saying he'll never do it. The photog goes to retrieve them and is decapitated. Then Thorn learns that his wife was thrown out of the hospital window like 20 stories up by the maid. So Thorn freaks and goes and shaves his kid's head to see if he has the mark of the beast on his gourd. YUP. So he goes to do the deed with the 7 daggers of Megiddo, but is shot to death by the cops who frown on child murder. Then we see the funeral and Damien is standing with his new parents, the president of the US and um... the first lady. Should you? Why not? Should I watch the sequels? Probably! I think I'll do a big sequel fest coming up soon.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Near Dark (1987)

"The light that's leaving that star right now will take a billion years to get down here. You want to know why you've never met a girl like me before?...Because I'll still be here when the light from that star gets down here to earth in a billion years." - Mae

"Well, why don't you lick it up off the bar, meatball?" - Severin

"You have any idea what it's like to be a big man on the inside and have a small body on the outside?" - Homer

Thanks to Skelethorr for the suggestion on this one! A rad 80s vampire movie WITHOUT ever mentioning vampire not once not ever. We all know that it has to be dealing with vampires, but its very subtle in its language, not so much in it execution. This is truly more like a MAD MAX style western than a vampire flick, and it has some very inventive albeit controversial twists. AND LOOK AT THIS CAST: Tim Thomerson (!), Lance Henrikson (!), a very funny Bill Paxton, and the kid from RIVER'S EDGE all starring in NEAR DARK!!!

This one begins with a cowboy going out to some honky tonk to meet up with his buddy cowboys. And they talk some shit to each other and then one of them spots this hot little number hanging out in front the gas station next door. He immediately heads over to talk to her, but she is basically looking up at the stars the whole time they talk. He's totally going for her, but she is acting weird and blowing him off. At some point she asks for a ride home and they stop and listen to "the darkness" and he says he can't hear anything. "Just up the road" must have been pretty far away because by the time they get close, the sun is about to come up. She starts freaking out and says get me home, but he stops the car and hides the keys and says not until you give me a kiss. So she does, and then she bites him on the neck. All he says is "that was some kiss". And then she runs off. He can't get his truck to start anyway (I think that's what happened. For some reason he heads home on foot). By then the sun starts coming up and his skin starts burning, and he's stumbling all over the place and starts coming up to his dad's farm and his lil sister yells for him and then this Winnebago hauls ass across the horizon and grabs him off the dirt road, turns around and splits with the dad and sister chasing along after them.

The killer thing about this movie is they never mention vampires. We know it because of the blood sucking and the hiding from the sun, but there are very few other cliche vampire things in the flick. And there are a couple really crazy ideas that I've never heard of in here too. I think there were a number of vampire flicks that came out around the same time in the late 80s (FRIGHT NIGHT, VAMP, THE LOST BOYS, ONCE BITTEN). I think they were trying to go for something different with this one. A bit darker, drop the comedy, introduce something new to the mix. Bummer, but I'm pretty sure this flopped at the box office.

The Winnebago is full of a gang of vampires. Lance Henrikson and his chick, and the two "sons" Bill Paxton as "Severen", and the kid "Homer" who is now just an old vampire stuck in a kid's body. Severen is wild as hell and wants to kill the cowboy (Caleb) right away. Mae (the chick) tells him she's turned him. They are all pissed as hell, especially Homer because he is the one who turned Mae so she'd be "his" chick. But she didn't go for that because he was too young. Anyway they give him a timeline, if he doesn't make a kill within the week, they are going to kill him. So Mae tries to get him to kill a trucker and she teaches him some stuff, but he just doesn't want to do it, and so to keep him alive she let's him drink her blood. That makes her sick so she tells him he's going to have to kill soon or else they will really kill him. Meanwhile the dad (Tim Thomerson) and sister are searching all over the place trying to find Caleb.

So the gang goes to a bar and Severen is hilarious because he just doesn't give a fuck. He is pure evil and does whatever he wants. They basically massacre the place except this one kid gets away (because fucking Caleb lets him) and everyone is pissed as hell at Caleb and then they have to hole up in this shitty motel. Then the cops surround them, but facing sunlight and bullets, Caleb runs to their blacked out van and crashes it into their room allowing them to escape. Finally they get to another motel and Homer brings this young chick back to the room and he wants to turn her for his own. It turns out to be Caleb's sister! So there's this big fight and Caleb escapes with his dad and sis. This all leads to a huge final scene and sequence and I'm really leaving a lot out here, but if I tell you any more it will ruin it. This is one of those that have to be seen to be really gotten. The thing that happens before the final "battle" if you wanna call it that is unique to any other vampire movie I've ever seen, so if you dig this kind of thing at all, you should definitely see this one.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Xtro (1983)

"Okay Paula, could you stop eating, we don't want to see the crumbs on your toenails. Kev, could you just get rid of that stuff? That's good and dust off the shoes. Could you remove the food? Kevin take it away, we don't wanna see a fat food here. Paula- you're not selling an orthapedic shoe." - Joe

"well that's all it takes. If you think hard about something, you can make it happen. You'll be able to do lots of things. Use it when you need it." - Sam

"Daddy's hurt." - Tony

This is a gross movie that I've heard about for a long time. Just seeing the cover of the flick (same as the poster) made me freak out needing to see it. Looks like it would be a cross between THE SHINING and maybe GHOULIES. Liss said a while back (a few years) that her and her sisters used to watch it as kids and she thinks that one of them still had their VHS copy. I'd wanted to see if for a long time and finally after searching for who knows how long, and finally remembering to grab it when at her house, it was in our grasp. Now after watching it is, why the hell a group of young sisters would wanna watch this GROSS ass flick! A bunch of British never was's in XTRO!!!!

This is a really bad flick. Kind of like the best kind of bad one too. It tries really really hard to impress you and/or gross you out, and I can say that it succeeds on both levels to some degree. The flick begins with a father and son maybe flying a kite or something on a farm and suddenly the dad is abducted. Then we very quickly skip to three years later where the boy is being taken care of by his mother, her live in boyfriend, and a hot french au pair. Suddenly one night Tony wakes up covered in blood.

All he says is "daddy's hurt." They haven't heard from the dad for 3 years, and the everyone thinks he just ran off and no one believes Tony's story about the light taking him away. Then a ship comes from the sky and a backwards alien man-dog thing creeps outta the woods and jumps out in front of a car. A dude tells the chick to wait there and then he checks out what he thought he saw. Which is total bullshit, I would have gotten the F outta there with the quickness. Anyway, he gets got, the whiny chick gets got, then the thing goes to some other chick's house and sucks her neck and then curls up and withers away. He wasn't sucking, he was planting some weird baby inside of her, and then SHE GIVES BIRTH TO A FULL HUMAN MAN. And its the dad.

Sam (the dad) gets Tony from school showing up out of nowhere after 3 years. Boyfriend Joe isn't down. The mom doesn't know what to do. Joe gets pissed. Sam eats Tony's snake's eggs. Then he has to chase Tony down and explain to him that he now has powers. He tells him about getting taken away and then he sucks his blood. Then the au pair gets fucked a lot. Now Tony has powers and he makes a midget clown come to life. His snake disturbs a neighbor and she kills it, so Tony uses his powers to make an army man come to life and murder her. Then he murders the au pair and the midget clown makes a real life Giger painting out of her and uses her to manufacture snake/alien/clone/Tony eggs in the bathtub. Then the dad invites the mom out to the farm.

Joe jumps in his 1982 Range Rover and grabs Tony who has shown up at his photography studio after killing the au pair and her boyfriend (using a deadly toy tank). Then they haul ass out to the farm where Sam is boning the mom after years of her living with her new dude. While they are boning SAM'S SKIN STARTS COMING OFF and he turns into the "Xtro". Then Sam kills Joe and takes Tony to a spaceship that melts Tony's skin off and they fly away leaving the mother all alone. EXCEPT... when she gets home, the home is full of those snake/clone/baby eggs and she picks one up that breaks out and bites into her face. SCENE. Should you see this? Fudge yeah. Everyone should have to sit through that once. Is it good? Not really.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Walking Tall part 2 (1975)

"Now you listen to me Dobson, and you listen good. That sonofabitch, whereeva they got him hid out healin up there, he shows himself back in McNairy County- you had better find some way for him to have the kind of accident you failed at or I'm tellin' you Pinky Dobson there ain't enough piney woods in the whole of Tennessee for you to continue in the whiskey business once me and my partners say you're outta business. You understand?" - Mr Witter

"Buford, what are we talking about cooking whiskey for, when all we wanna know is what we're gonna do about getting those bastards shot you and your wife?" - Dept. Grady

"You better not touch that engine Pusser, that's a 12,000 dollar motor in there- you sumbitch!" - Stud Pardee

The sequel to WALKING TALL, this one changes up the lead from Joe Don Baker to Bo Svenson who actually looks a lot like the real Buford Pusser. Other than that this is just the further adventures of what really happened to Tennessee most famous ass kicking lawman. Certain things stray from the truth, but with this one they actually tried to play it more to the way things actually went down. Mysteriously the real Pusser was killed during the making of this film, allowing them to make a part three. Bruce Glover and Bo Svenson in WALKING TALL PART 2!!!

This one begins with Obra (a different actor playing him as well) and Grady talking with Buford's dad and some other dudes wondering if Buford will seek re-election or retribution. Then Buford's mom and kids visit him in the hospital where he's still recovering with his face still in a cast. This could possibly be a "Hollywood" explanation for why he looks different from the actor in the first film. The real Buford suffered severe deformity in his face after the attack that killed his wife (that happened at the end of the first film). Buford is then reelected but doesn't go seeking revenge just yet. He plays it business as usual and figures that the ones who tried to take him out would come after him again and so he starts rounding up the moonshiners.

Knowing full well that there was someone who was masterminding all this moonshining, someone possibly going all the way back to Nashville and possibly connected to local politics, Buford follows leads and investigates his own case checking friends of those that he identified from the car chase in the other flick. Sure enough one of them was still bootlegging in McNairy county, and he just so happens to be getting away in a speedboat every time Buford comes to bust them. Now this dude, Pinky Dobson is answering to a dude named Whitter who is a heavy in Nashville and a familiar face that told Buford to lay off in the first film. Whitter is visited by Dobson and Whitter reams him out and tells him to get his shit together and kill Buford or else. He is also pissed that Pinky brought is dimwitted friend along. Meanwhile Whitter also hires this chick to infiltrate Buford's office and eventually seduce and lure him into a trap.

Buford buys an extra car because those dudes are always "fixing" his car with bombs and loosening the tires on them and almost making him die. Pinky hires a racecar driver to 'do' Buford in. He tries the tire, he tries a long chase, and then Buford gets a warrant and tears his car all to hell. Then he busts his dad's friend to show this black moonshiner that he's not being biased. Then they let Pinky get away again. Then he lets Obra go change to another new car. Obra gets it up to 100 mph and discovers the breaks are gone and suddenly one of Buford's oldest friends is dead.

Then the chick tries to kill Buford at a cottage with some snipers in a boat. Buford is onto her. Then the sheriff in another county helps Buford trick the race car dude into a chase with Buford. Its a wild one and the driver flips his car and gasoline is leaking all over him. Just before it blows up he gets him to confess that it was Pinky who paid him off. So they go after some moonshiners but have a trap set for Pinky. He flips his boat and goes to the hospital. His hot redhead girlfriend helps him escape. Then there's another chase to catch Pinky. Buford shoots Pinky and his girl rats out Pinky's dumb friend and Mr. Whitter. They go to a boarding house where the dumb friend is and get in another shootout. Buford gets shot again, but kills the dummy and then he tells Grady, "let's go get the fat asshole in Nashville". Then he's taken away in an ambulance. So I guess that is where "THE FINAL CHAPTER" comes in. Then they tell you that Buford Pusser was killed in an "accident". But that is was unknown what had happened. Good shit. I like Joe Don Baker, but Bo Svenson was pretty awesome. I guess I'll be watching part tres soon.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Big Top Pee-Wee (1988)

"I call it... the hot dog tree, because... it's a hot dog tree." - Pee-Wee

"It's Abraham Lincoln! May I have your autograph, Mr. Lincoln? I'm a big fan." - Woman

"Well, my chin's banged up pretty bad... I think my ribs are broke... an' it feels like I punctured a major organ, Andy... but I'm circus." - Mace Montana

I went to see this in the theater, and I actually have the original poster hanging in my childhood bedroom. Not that that should be a big endorsement of this one. I'll go ahead and start off by saying that this is certainly no PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE. Not even close. But if you like Pee-Wee, well then you'll probably like this. Paul Reubens, Kris Kristofferson, Penelope Ann Miller, Valeria Golino, and cameos from Dustin Diamond (pre SAVED BY THE BELL) and Benicio Del Toro in his first big screen appearance in BIG TOP PEE-WEE!!!

So, for some reason, Pee-Wee has moved away from the suburbs of California, and not to his Playhouse either... I'm guessing he wanted to get away from all the glory after becoming the subject of a major motion picture in his last movie. So he moves to the sticks and buys a farm. Not only that but he has a talking pig named Vance as his best friend. He has a whole farm full of animals (like a cow that gives him chocolate milk) but not many other friends in town. As a matter of fact, besides his fiancee, everyone else is a bunch of old dicks.

So yeah, he has this school marm fiancee, and she's a terrible cook. He goes to see her everyday, but she pretty much prick teases him. Then him and Vance usually head into town to get a sandwich from the general store and deal with the old men and women in there who hate him. This particular day he rolls into town, a huge storm is coming up... Like tornado in WIZARD OF OZ style storm. No one will give him a ride, so him and Vance huff it home to secure all the animals in his cellar. Once the storm finally subsides, he comes out to a circus exploded all over his farm.

So this circus is ran by Mace Montana and he has a tiny little wife that fits in his hand and a dog boy and a sad clown and a bearded lady and the whole nine. They hang around for the day getting the circus trucks back together and decide they want to put on their show at whatever town Pee-Wee lives in. By the time they get to town, the oldsters tell them to get the hell out of there. Pee-Wee tells them they can chill on his farm for a while, so they decide to put together a new show. Pee-Wee falls in love with one of the circus chicks and blows off his fiancee one day to hang with her instead. He gets busted and his fiancee dumps him and then the new chick does too when she finds out he was playing the two-timer.

So the fiancee gets over Pee-Wee quickly and he finally talks "Gina" into forgiving him. They put together a cool show, but Pee-Wee can't seem to find anything to do in the circus and he desperately wants to be a part of it. I forgot to tell you that him and Vance were scientists that grew crazy giant plants with their weird chemistry lab/greenhouse. I thought maybe they would make Mace's chick a regular size woman for a short amount of time but they didn't. I'm sure Mace would be psyched about that. Anyway, the townspeople still don't want a circus but somehow by feeding them his genetically modified weiner dogs- Pee-Wee transforms them back into kids and then they are psyched for the circus and all is well. And then suddenly instead of the 10 or 12 old people speaking for the town, there are a ton of kids everywhere. Its a little bit of a stretch, and more for kids than his previous movie, but it has a few good moments. Would I recommend it? Ah, if you've never seen it, but it doesn't have near as much rewatchability as BIG ADVENTURE. word.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Walking Tall (1973)

"I'm gonna take, and take, and take, till they ain't got nothin left to give but BLOOD!... And I'm gonna take that, one drop at a time!" - Buford

"If you let them do this to me and get away with it, THEN YOU'RE GIVING THEM THE ETERNAL RIGHT TO DO THE SAME DAMN THING TO ANY ONE OF YOU!" - Buford

"There's only two rules, and thats all... But don't ever forget them. Number one we enforce the law equally. Number two, any man caught taking a bribe gets his head knocked off by me." - Buford

When I was younger, I remember a family trip to Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge Tennessee. This was when I was super young, young enough to curl up under my dad's shirt on the trip back from whereever we went one of the nights on the trolley because of how cool the breeze was. I remember this all vividly. There was a museum there dedicated to this cop who was murdered named Buford Pusser. It was like a wax museum with these old dummies in the jail behind bars and plaques and stuff hanging around. Years later I would read Punisher comics and think this was seriously based on stories like the one of Pusser. Years and years later Hollywood would shit all over his legacy by remaking his movie with the Rock in it and changing his fucking name! Anyway, this is a hell of an asskicking fest in the style of Mad Max or the Punisher. He wants to do good, they'll do anything to stop him. Starring JOE DON BAKER (!), Leif Garrett and (Crispin Glover's dad) Bruce Glover, I give you WALKING TALL!

So Buford Pusser was a wrestler. He was traveling the country with his kids and his wife, and finally he got fed up hearing his old lady give him the business all the time, so he decided to move back home to McNairy county Tennessee. He went and bought a farm out near his pop's place and started working doing some logging out there in the sticks. When he finally goes to town, his mother warns him that McNairy isn't the same as it used to be. He spots an old friend who takes him drinking to one of the local spots that has hard illegal booze, gambling and even whores. He realizes quickly that his friend is being cheated of the money he lent him and he immediately begins a fight to get his money back. Well they beat the hell out of him and cut him so bad he needs like 90 something stitches to sew him up. They leave him in a ditch for what seems like the first of many.

He triest to get the dudes in trouble who did it to him but no one believes his buddy cause he's the town drunk and the cops and even the judges are crooked in town. So Pusser goes back in there with a two by four and tears the place to pieces and gets his money back from the cashier. Then the crooked cop comes to arrest him the next day. When he goes to court, they think they have him but Buford rips his shirt open and says, look they'll do this to you if they get the chance. The old men on the jury take ten minutes and decide he's innocent. Then later Buford's friends and family talk him into running for sheriff. So he does, and so begins many more of his troubles. Segregation and race in general was still a big issue in the south at this time so Pusser asks his best friend Obra to become his deputy. He figures then they can cover the black places and white places. He figures Obra can get into places that he cannot.

They try and try to stop Buford. He arrests people without reading their rights and they get turned loose. So after several times being outsmarted by the crooked judge, Pusser reads up and puts the judge's quarters in the shitter. Then the old sheriff tries to kill Buford but ends up running himself off a bridge into a river and dying. Buford saves the deputy. Actually I think this happens right before he gets elected. Either way, the crooked folks running the whore houses and running white lightning try to get the deputy to fuck over Buford, but he's indebted to him for saving his life. So they go up the ladder, up the crooked ladder I should say all the way to some political figures in Nashville, and they try to get this one guy to persuade Buford to leave things alone and leave them the way they were, but he doesn't give a shit what they want. So they intensify their efforts to kill him once and for all. And they almost do it. 6 or 7 more times. The one chick bad guy gets her head blown off trying to catch him with her shotgun near the end.

Things start getting heavy. They kill his dog, upset his family, and then he catches some of them. He thinks he's gotten things under control and then his wife wants to go with him on a liquor run one morning where he's going to catch some dudes running a still super early. Only this is an ambush and he gets shot all to hell and his wife catches a bullet to the head killing her instantly. Pretty sure this last bit is all Hollywood, but at the end of this one, still in a face cast, drives his cop car into the bar, The Lucky Spot where all the shit has been going down, and kills at least two of his would be assassins, and then the funeral procession drives up and starts a bonfire with the establishment's furniture. So yeah, this is BASED on real events, but that feels set up. Anyway there were 2 sequels, a tv movie, a tv series, and a remake with 2 sequels. This guy was cinema gold. Dig this one up for sure if possible.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Ice Pirates (1984)

"Space Herpes. Dormant form. uh - Keep away from heat and - uh - moisture. Extremely dangerous when activated. Antibody - oh boy - unknown." - Jason

"They don't castrate clergy. Just in case. Just in case there really is a god." - Killjoy

"I hope no one minds but I have no intention of facing this sober." - Zeno

This is a wild one. Pretty bad on purpose, we have a space ship full of thugs who go around in search of ice so they can have the ultimate key to life, water. That's it folks. The key to life is water. And air. You need air too. Water and air. And music. I don't think I could survive without music. One of Eidan Thorr's fav flicks- we have a young Ron Perlman, a young Anjelica Huston, Spenser For Hire himself Robert Ulrich, Bruce Vilanch, the football player dude who played Sloth in GOONIES, and a super hot Mary Crosby all star in THE ICE PIRATES!!!

Jason and Roscoe are the head pirates on a ship that is scouring the galaxy in search of ice. Its a hot commodity these days and so they plan attacks on these dudes called the Templars and regularly steal ice from them to melt down into an even rarer substance.... water. Only when the movie begins, these pirates bungle their raid and end up kidnapping a princess. Later they split up (literally their ship splits into three parts) but the Templars locate and rescue the princess.

Luckily for Jason and Roscoe, the princess knows the Templars are hiding her father from her. He's the only dude in the galaxy who knows where the mysterious 7th planet is that is covered with water and has an atmosphere that regularly has rain showers "so we can take hot wet baths together". She rescues them from being castrated and turned into some sort of eunuch slaves. She disguises them as her servants and they split from the planet Mithra where she's essentially being held captive by hitching a ride with a pimp robot (years before Conan O'Brian had a pimpbot).

So Jason and Roscoe and the princess meet up with the rest of the crew and get this frog lady to take them to see his buddy Lanky Nibbs. But Lanky is really old. He says he visited the 7th planet with the princess's father but ages like 20 years going thru a time warp. He tells them to go meet up with this robot who has a human head, but first they're attacked by other pirates in this radical real life MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE style vehicle. Then they travel to find the robot guy with the head.

So then they get to the robot human head guy who is Bruce Villanch. And he's got an army of Amazon chicks on unicorns. I forgot about the fucking space herpes! That's a whole ALIEN tribute. And then Jason gets the princess pregnant. Then they find out the whole time the Templars were using them to gain access to the 7th planet. But they have to go through this time warp where they age years in minutes right when this huge battle starts. And the scene seems to go on forever in slow motion and sometimes in fast motion. Its really crazy. Jason and the princesses son is born in a minute and grows up to look exactly like Jason and begin battling these oncoming robots and templars. The heroes get too old to fight. Then it seems to all work out in the end and the Templars calculated wrongly and get lost forever in time. Its a pretty insane scene. The makeup is crazy, and it really pushes the whole movie over the top. As if it hadn't already gone there. If you dig space and time and cheese, you should look this one up.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Highlander (1986)

"Why does the sun come up? Or are the stars just pin holes in the curtain of night, who knows? What I do know is that because you were born different, men will fear you... try to drive you away like the people of your village." - Ramirez

"Father! Forgive me , I am a worm...I have something to say! It's better to burn out than to fade away!" - The Kurgan

"I have the power! Aye, the quickening that empowers me! I feel everything! I know... I know everything! I am everything!" - Connor MacCloud

"There can be only one" - everyone in the movie probably

Complete classic. I don't think I'm speaking out of line when I say that this is one of Lucian Thorr's favorite films. I've heard him say it on occasion. At any rate he loved it when he was younger. And so did I. I think its influenced tons of sci fi time warrior stories over the years, but none have come quite close to this. A great concept, good actor choices, and a killer soundtrack by Queen. What more could you ask for? Sean Connery, Christopher Lambert, and that one guy from CARNIVALE/LOST/etc... star in HIGHLANDER!!! (By the way, there's like 10 different recut versions of this movie, but the one I'm reviewing is the Director's Cut which has 8 more minutes than the theatrical release.)

When the film begins, our hero Connor MacCloud is in the present day watching a wrestling match in the 80s. Which is when wrestling was really REALLY good. You can tell because he's watching that has the Fabulous Freebirds- Michael Hayes, Buddy Roberts and Terry Gordy, and Greg Gagne and some jobbers. Sweet gig for them. This is taking place at Madison Square Garden in 86, so it was probably a low card match, but still, anytime you play the "Garden" is sweet as Hell. Anyway, he has a flashback to the 1500's where a dude that is supposed to be him with long scraggly hair is gathering up his homeboy's the MacCloud's to fight this rival clan called the Fray's. The Fray's have this HUGE dude on their side and he tells the Fray's not to fight Connor, to leave him for him to kill. So Connor is fighting through all the Scottish dudes and no one will give him battle, and finally, this huge dude (The Kurgan) comes over and yells in his face and sticks his sword through him. Then we are in present day again and Connor has to fight a dude out in the parking lot. See its the 80s and that means its time for the gathering. Back when he was just learning he was immortal he met this Egyptian dude named Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez. But he's Egyptian, not Mexican- played by a Scotsman. Anyway he tells him that he'll have to fight all the remaining immortals someday to receive the prize, which is the Quickening, which is like telekinesis and telepathic abilities along with being immortal. So I guess its like "god mode".

Anyway he kills that guy in the parking deck by chopping his head off but the pigs still bust him for speeding out of there and he's considered a suspect but they have no evidence. He goes to get his sword and this chick cop who's a sword expert is investigating after hours there and he creeps on her at a bar. Then we get another flashback where his homeboy's kick him outta town because he came back to life. Even the chick he was banging back then went from bringing him roses to begging for them to burn him at the stake. TUFF! Then he's creeping on the chick cop and all of a sudden the Kurgan shows up and they have a sword fight near an electric sub station. The Kurgan splits back to his ratty motel room when the pigs show up. The chick cop is then determined to get to the bottom of MacCloud (who's going by the alias Nash)'s horseshit. She finds out he's an antiques dealer and goes and hassles him until he fesses up.

Then we get more backstory on Ramirez and MacCloud. Ramirez ends up training MacCloud after he's moved out to this little castle with this other chick. And we have swordplay montages, and MacCloud gets better, and then he's yelling on a mountain. Then Ramirez tells some about his life and tells Connor he should get rid of his wife because its going to end up causing him nothing but heartache. And then one day the Kurgan shows up and Connor is gone, so Ramirez fights him and gets killed. The Kurgan rapes Connor's wife thinking its Ramirez's. But she never tells him. Ramirez almost got him and the Kurgan gets away. Conner doesn't listen to Ramirez and stays with his old lady till she really is an old lady and dies. Then we flash forward and the Kurgan catches up to Connor in church and tells him about raping his wife, but Connor can't do anything to him because they are forbidden to kill on holy ground.

Finally the Kurgan kidnaps the chick cop and drives crazily through traffic. He then leaves A MESSAGE ON MACCLOUD'S ANSWERING MACHINE(!!) to come get her. So MacCloud heads over to this movie studio and unleashes all manner of havoc and they duke it out. There's no reason to tell you every single part. The story is a bit more complex than what I've hashed out here, you have your "telly" flashback moments, and some comical ones involving another African immortal friend of Connor's named Kastagir. If you love sci fi, time travel, immortality, or sword and sorcery, you're gonna love this one. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Double Trouble (1992)

"That's the only kinda pussy you'll ever see... go lift some weights and give yourself a hernia." - Danitra

"Why don't you stick it in your 'dark side'?" - David

"AAAAIIGHGGGHHHHH! Honey! There's two huge men wrestling in the back seat of our carrrrr!" - Woman
"Eh, shut up." - Man

"Didn't dad have old timer's disease?"
"No, you mean Alzheimer's disease."
"Yeah, he turned into like Ronald Reagan ya know. Couldn't remember anything. And one day, I guess he couldn't remember to wake up." - Peter and David

For some reason in the early 90s, the two twin muscle "barbarian" brothers were given a series of chances to make feature films. I can only remember this one and the other one where they're truck drivers called THINK BIG, but there were a couple of them. And for some other reason, I liked them. I used to watch them with my old man. He liked them because the barbarian brothers were in D.C. CAB. So anyway, for some other "other" reason Roddy McDowell agreed to be the bad guy in this one. So there ya have it, Roddy McD, Peter and David "Barbarian", David Carradine (pre comeback), Tito from Tito and Tarantula/DESPERADO/MACHETE/etc., and no one else in DOUBLE TROUBLE!!!

The plot of this flick is fairly simple. Raiders fan David (or Peter, i can't remember, they're twins) is a cop in LA and is on a case searching for a cat burglar who actually spraypaints cats on the wall and then reports the crime while he's still performing it. Turns out that the cat burglar is actually Peter (or David) the other ones twin brother- that he HATES. Yeah they can't stand each other. Peter knows this and he pours salt on the wound all day long. There's this other guy who's a bigshit standup citizen (McDowell) who has a team of thugs (Bill Mumy, Tito, etc) who are brutally murdering diamond merchants for some reason. In the beginning they kill this one English dude (I think he was English) and steal this card key. Peter steals it from one of their diamond storage units basically on accident.

Peter gets away from David and Danitra, and then Danitra gets killed by one of McD's associates along with another associate who was gonna rat him out to her. Peter then gets caught by setting a trap for David and then springing it on himself. Scottie from STAR TREK plays David's chief and he assigns Peter to help solve the murder much to David's chagrin. They quickly get on the scent along with Corbin Bersen's real life brother playing "Whitney". Peter keeps trying to get away and soon he does. He finds out by a quick cameo from David Carradine that the key card is for this huge diamond warehouse place and they figure out what's happening.

Whitney gets knocked out at Peter's house where an ambush is set up, Peter gets locked in the car by David but gets out by taking the steering wheel off. He saves David, but then when they go to chase the bad guy, he can't drive his car. So they are still pissed at each other over and over and over again. Finally they figure out some big shit politician is in on the game with McD and they shake him down and turn his car upside down. Then Peter talks David into putting on a nice suit and staking them out at a fancy restaurant.

Finally the card gets stolen back, but the mulletbound, I mean musclebound duo is all over it. They go under the subway to thwart the bad guys and somehow........................SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT...........
they kill Roddy McD. And then what? I don't know I guess they lift some weights. Its a pretty shitty movie, but if you love shitty movies then its right up yer alley. I guess I really wanted to see the truck driver one. I can't remember, maybe its just as shitty. We'll see because I'm currently searching for a copy as you read this. Cool.