Tuesday, January 31, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: Bloodsport (1988)

"Now Remember, there are three ways to win: One, You knock the guy right out; Two, He shouts Mate'. It's like saying 'Uncle'. Three, You throw the fucker right off the runway!" - Victor

"He's the American shit head who makes tricks with bricks!" - Hiro

"You break my record, now I break you, like I break your friend." - Chong Li

Earth childhood favorite here. A whole lot of dudes were raised on this one! Jean Claude Van Damme as Frank Dux! Ogre as Randy "Tiny" Jackson, and "GHOST DOG" Forest Whitaker as a bumbling cop, all raising Hell to battle in the coup de gras of underground martial arts battles, the Kumate'! If you've never heard of this one, shame shame, I know your name- this one's called BLOODSPORT!!!

In the beginning a bunch of dudes from different countries are training for what looks to be like some kind of ENTER THE DRAGON secret heavy fight club type deal. Then we see our hero Frank Dux ninja kicking a speed bag until some Army flunky comes by telling him the boss man sergeant must have found out about his involvement and he needs to see him and speak to him about it and he's in trouble. STUPID MOVE PAL. Frank Dux is no dummy, but this kid was. He should've just said the dude needed to see him about something else. Then maybe Frank Dux wouldn't have dipped out instead of taking a shower like he told the corporal or lieutenant or whatever. Frank wasn't letting anything stop him from competing in that contest. Why? FLASHBACK!

When he was little he was kind of a timid little punk belgium kid who was the chickenshit in the gang of asian kids who broke in this badass dojo to steal katana blades. When the other kids split right before getting busted, Frank Dux stood there like he had some kind of learning disability. Then the master Takana's kid kicked his ass and called him "Round Eye". But the master saw something in this Belgium kid. He didn't flinch when he swung a full on samurai sword in his face. BALLS. So then the master's kid gets killed, and Frank Dux ends up training with him for a full on twenty couple minute flashback scene. So Frank Dux wanted to honor his master (against Takana's advice) by competing in his dead son's place.

Fast forward and Frank Dux gets over there to fight in the Kumate'. He plays video games with Ogre, the only other guy from the states to compete. No "round eye" has ever won the Kumate'. There are a bunch of bad asses there including this one long time champ named Chong Li, a ruthless killer/fighter. After a while, two cops, an old guy and Ghost Dog come out to find Frank Dux and take him back to the states to face charges for going AWOL. Ok. So seriously the next thing you know THERES A GODDAMNED SCENE STRAIGHT OUT OF SCOOBY DOO, where Frank Dux runs through the city with them LITERALLY JUST right behind him, turning corners, going in one door and coming out the other, with the SHITTIEST song playing, and then him jumping from boat to boat and them ... WAIT FOR IT... you guessed it, falling face first in the water, and Dux looking back and shaking his head and smiling and saying something like, 'you guys!'. FUCKING BOGUS!!! THE WORST SCENE!!! I couldn't fucking believe it. It was such a cartoon moment. Ok, then this reporter chick tries to gain access, but no one will let her in. BUT SOMEONE WILL. Guess who?

If you said Ogre, you're wrong. It was Frank Dux! He totally wanted to get laid. He ran off like ten times during the kumate' and he wasn't supposed to leave at all, but he was a badass who could do splits that would shame James Brown, so fuck it. Ogre beats a guy to death, and then gets put in the hospital by Chong Li. It finally comes down to Chong Li vs. Frank Dux and if you seriously expect me to tell you the ending then you're cracked. Is it what you expect? Probably, but come on, you should totally watch this. And there's 3 sequels. I can't speak for those, but you should buck up and peep this one.

Friday, January 27, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988)

"Get that damned screwdriver out of my head!" - Zombie head

"Look, they're ugly and they're dirty and they're dumb, and I don't even care if they are dead. I hate 'em, there's no way they're touching me! " - Lucy

"Sorry Joey, I'm not into dead guys!" - Brenda

Ever seen RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD? Well this wasn't so much of a remake as EVIL DEAD 2 was of EVIL DEAD, but this one DID have 2 of the SAME DUDES PLAYING SIMILAR CHARACTERS WITH SIMILAR LINES. Some of the same lines in fact. And I guess that was to add to the charm. Brenda was pretty hot. Reminded me of a chick from a long time ago. I guess this is what happened with those barrels of toxic waste zombies after the first one. A bunch of nobodies really and no Linnea Quigley in RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD PART II!!!

So in the beginning of this one, some army dudes are splitting town from the wreckage of the last movie with the toxic barrels. One of the drivers pulls out a joint to smoke and starts toking away, not really noticing that he's hitting bumps and a few of the barrels fall out and roll into a creek when they cross over a bridge. Subsequently they must float down river and get stuck in this drain where some a local boy gets chased by 2 other older boys. They were initiating the one kid, who's like the hero of the flick, into their gang, but really they were just shitting him out of his comics and beating him up. They chase Jesse (the son? of the dude in the first flick) to this drainage ditch hole in a cliff that looks like the same drain from the movie NEON MANIACS. Jesse is scared (and rightly so) and they chase him back to a masoleum and lock him in it and then go back to explore the drain.

Then an old man, and a young dude are dropped off in this AMAZING VAN to the cemetery by the young dude's hot chick girlfriend, so that this old man can rob the graves of their heads (and a few watches and rings if he's lucky). They find the kid locked in there and he fucking splits like a bat out of hell when he's able to escape. The bad kids fuck up and unlock the barrel which releases some putrid toxic green gas all through the valley and the cemetery and makes anyone coming in contact with it die and come back to life, not to mention all the motherfucking corpses in the graveyard!

From here its cheese city. Jesse runs home, then goes to see the bad kid Billy who's dying after reading an issue of a comic that pretty much explains whats happening with the gas and the barrels and all that. He goes back to the drain to get the number to call the army to tell them what's up. Then a zombie tries to eat his brains. Then he runs home and tries to tell his sister and the cable guy but they lock him in his room for being a bad young dumb kid. Then the old man and young man and hot chick are freaking out when the zombies start ripping from the ground in the graveyard. They run to the neighborhood and try to steal the cable van to split only to wreck it and knock out the phone lines JUST as Jesse was about to talk to a general. Unbeknownst to the neighborhood, the rest of town is being evacuated because of "the plague".

Finally everyone gets this doctor to let them borrow his car and they split to a hospital and the old man and young man die and everyone is fighting zombies for the rest of the flick. Finally Finally the hot chick splits with the old man and young man and she eventually lets young man eat her brains. Then they never show them again. WEIRD. Then the cable guy, the sister, Jesse, and the doc have to figure out finally finally finally how to electrocute all the rest of the zombies in the town that they lure into some electrical plant. There are a bunch of super cheesed out scenes with green slime, dismembered heads and hands and all that shit that makes this sort of a horror/comedy. Pretty good stoned out action. Recommended.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Rocknowledgy episode 24 is up now!! on iTunes & elsewhere!!

One whole day of Rocknowledgy. Well, its actually about 25 hours when you add up all the minutes that go over every episode. But either way! 24! Fuck You Keifer Sutherland! Suck my fat one you cheap dime store hood! Works as good today as it did way back when! Hope you guys are ready for Freddie, cause this one's a scorcher. PACE.

Get the episode heeeeeerrrrreeee or later on iTunes jack!

Rocknowledgy Episode 24 playlist:

T-6000- intro,
Rory Gallagher- Sinner Boy,
They Might Be Giants- Boat of Car,
Randy California- I Don't Want Nobody,
NoMeansNo- Rags and Bones,
The Leaves- Too Many People,
Butthole Surfers- The Wooden Song,
Townes Van Zandt- Mr Mudd and Mr Gold,
Widow- Come To The Sabbat,
The Specials- Racist Friend,
Jimi Hendrix- Beginning,
Pennywise- Dying To Know,
The Sea And Cake- Afternoon Speaker,
(Smog)- Song,
T-6000- outro,
English Beat- March Of The Swivelheads

Sunday, January 22, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Punisher (1989)

"Come on god, answer me. for years I'm asking why, why are the innocent dead and the guilty alive? Where is justice? Where is punishment? Or have you already answered, have you already said to the world here is justice, here is punishment, here, in me." - The Punisher

"We are Yakuza. When your ancestors were shepherds still screwing sheep on the Mediterranean coast, ours were the crime lords of Asia. " - Lady Tanaka

"There's a limit to revenge, you know." - Gianni Franco
"I guess I just haven't reached mine yet." - The Punisher

I don't care what anybody says. This movie is the SHIT. I remember watching it when it came out. It was never in the theaters, it just went straight to video. Same year as BATMAN. So parents all over let their kids rent this pretty dark, language heavy movie because they let them see OTHER comic book movies, how different could this one be? Speaking of Batman, I don't think its a coincidence that ol Frank Castle mentions him in a torture scene seeing as how one was a huge blockbuster and one couldn't even get shown in a theater in the states. Either way, this one has it all... The cop who's family gets murdered so he must get revenge a la WALKING TALL, MAD MAX, etc. But THIS ONE stars Dolph Lundgren, and Louis Gossett Jr... all in one of the first modern comic book flicks and one of the ONLY comic book flicks that doesn't bow to a PG audience...THE PUNISHER!!!

We all know the story of Frank Castle. If you don't, then a lot of shit probably goes over your head. Frank Castle is a cop who's wife and daughter are murdered by gangsters. He's become a full on vigilante intent on paying back those who wronged him, and since he has no life left and everyone assumes him dead as well, he just keeps on "punishing" bad guys. Punisher is also a term we came up with as a band in like 2005. We call them "Frank Castle's" to be polite. You know the type. "Hey, Frank Castle's here" or "Hey, who put Frank Castle on the list?". Oh, you mean the guy who won't shut up and is constantly talking, screaming or interrupting you and me and all of our friends all night? Yeah, that guy (or girl). Francis Castle. Anyway, that doesn't have shit to do with this flick.

This flick is the first of I'm pretty sure 3 different films that have given us a Punisher origin story. None of them have been spectacular, none of them have been blockbusters, but upon rewatching this one, I'm gonna say it was about as badass as it could have been. They didn't hold back. It's violent and full of "fuck you"'s and "oh shit!"'s. Dolph Lundgren is our hero and he's killed 125 gangsters in the last 5 years. He uses a drunk to get information, no idea where he gets his arsenal. He lives down in the sewers, and is chasing down the last of the gangsters who were actually involved in his personal case. In the beginning he blows up the house of one of the last top head dudes who just got out of jail.

With his latest move, the Punisher has forced the top mobster Franco back home to regain control over his mafia before everything falls apart. His idea is to bring the mafia together. After Punisher throws a wrench in his plans, the leader of the Yakuza, Lady Tanaka comes in and says she'll help them put their mafia back together for 75% of their take. She basically kills a bunch of motherfuckers and then kidnaps the leaders that are still alives children. His drunk tells them that, but the Punisher is like who cares, except for he realizes he does, because his kids being hurt are what turned him into what he is.

So Frank, who this whole time is being chased down by Lou Gossett Jr and his new chick partner, goes after the kids. He steals a school bus and rescues all the kids but one, the main mafia guy Franco's kid. He takes the others though and theres a chase, and this one dude gets run over (and that's probably the best scene in the flick. I rewatched it about 15 times). Eventually theres a road block and Punisher pulls over and hands over the kids. But they arrest him and they're dropping him off to be executed, but the mafia wrecks the transport truck and kidnaps Frank. They tell him he has to help them rescue Franco's kid or he'll kill his old partner Lou Gossett Jr. Punisher agrees. Then they go and fuck up the Yakuza. I don't want to tell you the whole ending here, because you should definitely watch this one. Verily I say unto you- The criminals shall be punished!!!

Friday, January 20, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: Tales from Earthsea (2006)

"This life that is both our torment and our treasure was never meant to endure for eternity. Life is a wave on the sea. Would you force the sea to grow still to save one wave? To save yourself? " - Sparrowhawk

"You think your life belongs to you? Tenar gave me my life. That's why I have to live, so that I can give life to someone else." - Theru

"Everything that exists has its true name. The power of magic is nothing more than the power to command based on the knowledge of a things true name." - Sparrowhawk

This is an incredibly beautiful movie, with a horribly discombobulated plot. I seriously think that something was lost in the translation, and upon reading the reviews by the lady who wrote the books that the film is based on, I'm not sure the director even grasped what he was trying to convey in the first place. It certainly wasn't what the author was trying to get across. BUT... the first time director was Goro, the son of famous Studio Ghibli director Hayao Miyazaki who's made tons of killer films. No doubt the kid has talent, but he may have bit off more than he could chew. Trying to piece together this plot will scramble your eggs. Timothy Dalton and Cheech Marin do American dubs in TALES FROM EARTHSEA!!!

This is a BEAUTIFUL flick. Like I said, it may be so gorgeous that the plot doesn't even matter. Fuck it, watch it for the art. BUT if you're like me, and you need brains with your good looks, you may be skeptical. The whole first ten minutes make no sense whatsoever with the rest of the flick. This is the main "lost in translation" part for me. And I guess "everything" doesn't HAVE to make sense all the time to enjoy something, this just SEEMS like there's something we are missing. When it starts out theres a storm brewing around a ship out in the sea. They call up this "master of storms" or "storm whisperer" guy who claims he forgot how to talk to the sea. Before they have time to scream at him, 2 dragons fly out of nowhere and are ripping each other apart. Finally one dragon kills the other which falls into the ocean. Cut to a roundtable meeting of a king and a bunch of bearded and mustachioed guys talking about a disruption in the "balance" of nature. When they hear the story of the dragon sightings, one old guy explains that once men and dragons lived together, but dragons chose freedom, & men chose possessions, so they split into different worlds. Then this kid comes out of no where, and kills the king while he's walking by himself.

The kid was the king's son, and he takes this sword from the king. Then he runs off into the desert and almost gets eaten by wolves because he says he doesn't give a fuck, but he's saved by this scarfaced wizard named Sparrowhawk. No other mention of the king ever happens except for when the kid admits that he killed his dad to this young chick, but they never give a reason that he did it. There's my big beef. Why did this kid do that? What the fuck was that about? Ok, so the wizard takes the kid to a beautiful city. He leaves him to explore and the kid freaks out that he's being followed. About that time, a dude tries to sell him some drugs, but he is convinced not to by Sparrowhawk. Again Sparrowhawk leaves. This time Arren (the kid) rescues some chick from getting raped by the slave captains who ride in town on bulls. The chick is not psyched on Arren even tho he saved her because she values life, and he doesn't give a shit. He is obviously confused. The captain comes back, kicks his ass and takes him to be a slave. Sparrowhawk rescues him from the slave wagon by flying on a mystical light. He tries to tell Arren some mumbo jumbo about the balance of the world, and that he is trying to find out why something is "off" out there. And also he starts talking about eternal life and shit like that.

Sparrowhawk takes Arren to his old girlfriend (Tenar)'s house and surprise, she's taken in an orphan chick Therru (the chick Arren saved). Therru is still pissed at Arren for a while. Sparrowhawk goes to seek out his metrosexual arch nemesis Lord Cob, who is the head cheese in charge of the captain of the slaves and probably a lot of other bad stuff. While he's gone, we have a game of back and forth, as Arren wins over Therru by confessing his crime and deciding to split to help Sparrowhawk. Sparrowhawk meanwhile figures out how he'll "get" Lord Cob, but misses Arren on his way back. The bumbling captain is always trying to have his way, riding up and talking shit to Tenar and finally kidnapping her in place of Sparrowhawk. Lord Cob catches up with Arren who falls into a lake to drown after being chased by his own shadow, or what I think they were trying to convince us was his "good" side. I think maybe they were trying to say: Arren's own "balance" or dark and light side split when he killed his father. And he was really a good kid, so it was trying to get back to him, but he was still filled with his darkness so he was scared of being killed for what he did. Lord Cob tells him that Sparrowhawk is trying to use him because he "is" the key to eternal life. So he's brainwashed. Lord Cob pits him against Sparrowhawk, but Sparrowhawk is like, "look man, no one can live forever." Oh yeah, Lord Cob controlled Arren because he told him his "real" name- Lebennon. Back then, no one could mind control you unless they knew your "true" name. So everyone went by fakes. I like that part.

So with the spell broken but his light still missing, Arren just goes to hang in his room in the top of the castle bummed that he tried to kill his friend. DEPRESSION. But Therru is busy trying to take Arren's sword back to him and she meets his light half. He says to go find Arren and speak his true name to him. Sparrowhawk saves Tenar I think, and finally Therru meets up with Arren, tells him whats up and he goes to fight Lord Cob. Finally Arren can use his magic sword and he cuts off Cob's hand. Cob turns into a creepy fucking old man that can turn into that black jello pudding virus shit that surrounds the possessed giant pig in PRINCESS MONONOKE. He's all flying around and he grabs Therru. Arren goes to save her but Cob chokes her to death, and the castle starts to crumble and Arren starts to fall, but somehow THERRU TURNS INTO A FUCKING DRAGON, KILLS COB AND CATCHES ARREN AND THEY FLY OFF INTO THE COUNTRYSIDE!!! Then she turns back into a little girl and I guess the end? Weird shit. Should you watch it? Well, as a fan of most everything this studio has produced, I'd say yes, its not like the story is terrible, and it is stunningly drawn. Some of the wide shots of the cities they created are some of the best cartoon city drawing I've ever seen. So go for it, but if you're confused, don't even trip. I think everyone that watches it feels that way.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Rocknowledgy episode 23 is up now!! on iTunes & elsewhere!!

yo yo yo bo bo. Alahoyus once again and welcome to the 23rd episode of Valient Himself's Rocknowledgy. We are well on our way now ladies and gents. Now its time to get weird. Thanx for your patronage. Keep circling the tapes.

Go here here here here here to get the mp3, and/or check iTunes later for it to upload. werd berd.

Rocknowledgy Episode 23 playlist:
Intro by T-6000,
Red Fang- Wires,
Big Star- O My Soul,
Ghost- Ritual,
The Attack- Feel Like Flying,
Stephen Moore (Marvin The Martian)- Reason's To Be Miserable,
WAX- Who Is Next?,
Arlo Guthrie- Motorcycle Song,
The Dwarves- I Will Deny,
Billy Bragg- A New England,
Funkadelic- Baby I Owe You Something Good,
Paul Giovanni- Maypole Song,
Jerry Reed- Tupelo Mississippi Flash,
Anvil- Mothra,
Food And Shelter- Surveillance,
T-6000 outro,
(the) Melvins- The Water Glass

Monday, January 16, 2012

Bad/awesome flixxx review/theater: Creepozoids (1987)

"Real water?? If this works.... C'mon, gimme a break, its not contaminated! If this is poison, GIVE ME MORE!" - Bianca

"This soldier's optioning herself into a shower, for a couple hundred light years." - Bianca

"Amino Acids... they're building blocks of human life. Those are the ones the human body can't make by itself." - Jake

WOW. What a piece of shit. We all know how I feel about bad flicks. I of course love them, along with pretty much everything that entails. The bad acting, dialogue, lighting, set dressing, complete lack of plot, etc. I can sit through and have sat through some HEAVY SHIT. BUT... this is one of those flicks that seems like no matter how I look at it, there just isn't hardly any way to save it from being completely bad (WHICH IS STILL GOOD TO ME). Way more bad than awesome. Not even scream queen Linnea Quigley's tits could save this one. And that is just about its only redeeming quality. What you have here is a pretty bad ALIENS rip off. The tag line was, "YOUR FLESH WILL CRAWL RIGHT OFF YOUR BONES!!", when it should have been- "YOUR BRAINS WILL MELT RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD IF YOU HAVE ANY AT ALL LEFT AFTER WATCHING THIS." Starring Linnea Quigley, AN UNBELIEVABLE SOUNDTRACK! and a cast of unknowns in CREEPOZOIDS!!!

Five young AWOL soldiers are running through a nuke ravaged abandoned city in 1998, 6 years after a nuclear war that reduced the Earth to super bad movie sets including darkened warehouses, garages, and office building's storage closets. The five are seeking shelter from an acid rain storm that is about to descend upon them and suddenly they stumble across a warehouse that was once used a team of scientists. The scientists were doing experiments on humans in hopes of making the human body not need amino acids so it could live for longer on less food- therefore fixing a food shortage/ world hunger problem.

There's one dude who is an ex bio chem major who can at least figure out how to work the Apple II/DOS computer in the office. He figures out that the place is an old lab facility. Linnea Quigley finds a shower and goes right to it grabbing the one meathead and ripping her shirt off, and losing no time getting naked and wet for everyone. The nerd finds a cage under the computer, crawls in it by himself, and this dude in a really REALLY bad fat rubber Alien suit bites him or pushes him or something. Something happened in there.... but it was dark. Anyway, they go to find him and he's...... in his bed and ok? But then, over brunch, his hand swells up and he starts puking blood out of his eye sockets. Everyone is rightfully upset.

The two dudes who are left are macho and they wanna go after what got their buddy. So they try to figure out the computer and one of them spots the cage door under the computer. The main macho man goes in, they can't stop him! They're women! He's a man! He's tough! He's- screaming like a baby and getting chased for the rest of the movie. There really isn't too much else that goes on in the flick. The monster chases them, they chase the monster, people split up, another one dies. The shower meathead goes into a room to cut the power back on that mysteriously went off, and A GIANT RAT COMES TO EAT HIS HAND!! These rats prove to be some relentless little mothers for the rest of the flick.

I would finish giving you the end of the thing, but if you're up for some torture, you can view the whole movie on youtube- right here, right now below this paragraph---- 2 words. shit sandwich... NO- 2 words: Alien baby.
Go for it, you've been warned.


Thursday, January 12, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)

"How would you like to bite that in the butt, develop lockjaw, and be dragged to death? " - Dakota

"I understand you're very good with your hands and feet." - Rawley

"Kid get out of here. And forget that partner crap." - McQuade

This is a bad ass Chuck Norris/ David Carradine flick that I must've watched a half a dozen times growing up with my old man. Its full of loner cop, new partner, and chief "who's had it up to here" type cliches'. It also pits Chuck F'n Norris against David "Grasshopper" Carradine. Basically nuff said. Need more? This is the flick that hatched the WALKER TEXAS RANGER franchise ten years later. Want you mind blown? Chuck Norris is 72 years old!!! NO SHIT!!! But he was only 43 when he made this bad/awesome jam called LONE WOLF MCQUADE!!!

This one starts out sort of like BILLY JACK. Except Chuck is the law. Norris plays JJ McQuade, a texas ranger spying on some amigos who have just hijacked a huge gang of horses. He watches from afar as the local yocal county mounties bung everything up, and then snipes a dude from 300 yards. Averting a major fiasco, he splits back to town in time for his buddies retirement party, and long enough to get chewed out by his chief for not having enough "style". He assigns him a partner, which is one of the latino cops' ass he saved back in the desert. He tells him to fuck off and bails home to drink some Pearl beer.

McQuade lives on a ranch with a pet wolf and loves to drink Pearl beer. Kayo his new "partner" comes to his house and gets a gun pointed in his face. Another unspoken of character in the movie comes in the form of McQuade's muddy white 81 Dodge Ramcharger with supercharger turbo on it. He hauls ass in it to leave his partner in the dust. Then he goes to hang with his daughter & picks her up from his ex wifes house. They go ride horses and the girls horse runs off as a car backfires, and this hot chick runs the horse down and saves the girl from danger. We are then introduced to a mysterious midget in a wheelchair and his business partner David Carradine (Rowley). The chick is Rowley's girl but her panties are clearly dripping wet when she meets McQuade. She invites them to a party later at Rowley's where he intends to do a karate display or something. McQuade's daughter goes on a date and witnesses a truck of weapons being hijacked off the highway in the desert. Rowley kicks a bunch of dudes asses at the fight and challenges McQuade, but he says he doesn't fight for sport. Then the chick takes him off and bangs him. Some lawman. Banging other dude's wives. I guess everyone has the weaknesses.

McQuade's daughter goes on a date and witnesses a truck of weapons being hijacked off the highway in the desert. They get caught and the boyfriend gets murdered, and she gets pushed over a cliff in a car but doesn't die. The feds take over the case and McQuade says bullshit. McQuade and his partner bond over the partner "hacking" into his Apple II computer to find some information about what was in the stolen army rigs. They find out it was guns, so McQuade follows this dude Snow then kidnaps him. They interrogate him and find out that its the midget who's stolen the guns and that Rowley is the distributor or something like that. Either way they are both in trouble. McQuade goes to get answers but they kill the witness and McQuade is dismissed from the case and put on unpaid leave since he investigated a case he wasn't on. He goes home to drink some Pearl beer, and the chick has thrown it all out and is cleaning his house. He gets mad, makes her cry, drinks a beer, and then they have sex in a mud puddle with a hose going off in slow motion. TIGHT.

One of the feds, Agent Jackson comes to help McQuade and his partner after the bad guys kill his wolf and try to kill him and the chick in the bed. They helicopter out and find the weapons. The one fed is a prick and gets shot by jumping the gun and not listening to McQuade. Everyone gets caught. Rowley takes his ranger star. DISSED. And they bury McQuade in his Ram charger after beating him up. Kayo shoots a bunch of guys and Jackson isn't dead and they're fighting and meanwhile McQuade was conveniently driving with a SIX PACK on his console, and THEN HE CRACKS A BEER AND POURS IT ALL OVER HIMSELF, TURNS UP THE SUPERCHARGER TURBO ON HIGH, FLOORS IT AND DRIVES THE MOTHERFUCKER STRAIGHT UP OUTTA THE GROUND, COMES OUT SCREAMING AND STARTS BEATING ASS. Powerful man shit right there. Anyway, the midget makes a deal with McQuade to show him where the weapons went in Mexico, and then McQuade goes in for the final showdown. I'm not gonna give away the ending on this one, because its essential. Should you watch this? You should have already fucking seen it. If you haven't, drop everything and make it happen. You'll be 10 times tougher than you were before.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Rocknowledgy episode 22 is up now!! on iTunes & elsewhere!!

Alahoyus once again true believers! Its ROCKNOWLEDGY deuce deuce! YA KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN BOUT! We dug out some wild gems this week. Some PiL and some Pet Shop Boys, and an awesome track by a band called Room. Hope you dig it, as always, feel free to call us for weird requests, nerd shit, waxing philosophically, or just for advice. 850 583 6871. leave a message. OK, much to do, much to do said the white rabbit.

You can download this episode HEEEERRRRRREEEEEEE and also itll be on iTunes free later today. word.

Episode 22 playlist:
Intro by T-6000,
Weird War- Grand Fraud,
Public Image Ltd.- Public Image,
The Flying Burrito Brothers- Christine's Tune,
Pet Shop Boys- West End Girls,
Ricky Nelson- Travelin' Man,
John Cale & Lou Reed- Nobody But You,
Nig Heist- Balls of Fire,
Blue Oyster Cult- The Red And The Black,
Newcleus- Jam On It,
Slough Feg- High Passage/Low Passage,
Guided By Voices- Everywhere With Helicopter,
Frank Black- Two Reelers,
Room- Pre-Flights Parts I & II,
Outro by T-6000,
Motorhead- Lost Johnny

Saturday, January 7, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: Robot Jox (1990)

"He IS the best. It IS a big deal. That's why we're saving him. To fight for ALASKA! We CANNOT allow the Confederation to OCCUPY one square inch of American soil." - Commissioner Jamison

"Crash and burn." - everyone in the flick

"We are already dead. We are Robot Jox." - Alexander

I remembered seeing this late at night when I was younger on one of the "late night" movie lineups either on The Movie Channel with Joe Bob Briggs or maybe on USA Up All Night with Gilbert Godfried or Rhonda Shear. I didn't really remember anything about it, except for that it was cheesy as hell, and probably going to be super awesome and super bad upon rewatch. Well I was right. It was both. Produced by Charles Band of Full Moon Entertainment fame, this was sure to be a pleaser either way she fell. A bunch of unknowns star in ROBOT JOX!!!

This film begins in the future. A future so far "advanced" that there is no more war on the planet Earth. Two distinct massive "countries" came from all the conflicts and in the end, one represented the US superpower, and the "Confederation" was the country representing the Russian presence of the East. All major conflicts now are dealt with and settled by huge fights that the whole world watches with huge robots fighting for each country in hopes of winning the battle for their own side. Each country has a team and we our story starts out with one of the Confederation "robot jox" (Alexander) fighting and killing one of the last team members of the "USA" side. Even though the US dude yielded and Alexander was in the wrong, no one did shit about it. So this put Achilles (the last US guy) in a position where he would have to finally fight his tenth fight, to seal his contract, in a battle against Alexander. Achilles team consists of this redneck guy Tex, and this Hawaiian guy Dr. Matsumoto.

Achilles is the best fighter the US team ever had. No one else even made it close to their tenth fight. This was an important fight as well, because whoever won it would control Alaska which is deep in oil, trees, and tons of other natural resources. Alaska is up for grabs, you can't fuck this up, nahm sayn? So Achilles suits up, and they start battling it out. Somehow all the fighters have been getting killed, and the bad guys already know about all the "new" weapons that the US team is coming up with. That means somewhere there is leak. Someone is spying and telling the Confederation about their plans. Also there's a ton of test tube babies born and bread to fight that are making Achilles life difficult by trying to outdo him and basically making him feel like an old piece of shit.

Achilles fights Alexander but when Alexander blocks Achilles new weapon and then counters, it gives Achilles a concussion. As if that wasn't bad enough, when he finally wakes up and gets to his feet, he's blasted again and this time falls on a huge deck of bleachers and crushes like 300 people. So, they have a ruling to see who controls Alaska, and whoever the neutral party is in the world is like, "we don't give a fuck about the crushed people. AND we don't care that Achilles was trying to stop the weapon from killing them. We can't say who won. You have to fight again." RUTHLESS! But Achilles is like- BULLSHIT, and refuses to fight. Then a bunch of people say- It ain't over till its over jack. And they try to convince him to fight again. So he quits and people call him a pussy. But he's over it. Maybe its the fact that he just killed 300 people. OR maybe its the fact that chances are you'll NEVER survive this shit, and HE DID. Can't say I blame him.

OK, but the show must go on. Someone has to control Alaska, so they look to the test tube "tubies" to try to find a champion ready to face Alexander. There are two possible candidates. One is a wreckless loudmouth who gets his body broken in training. The other is this chick. The only female "jock" ever. Achilles kind of ends up falling for her, and when its announced that she'll face Alexander, he says fuck it, I'll fight. The tubies say he's just pulling shit to get more money, and they don't understand he wants to save the chick. Dr Matsumoto finds out who the spy is and its

**************SPOILER ALERT***********************

Tex the redneck... and he pulls a gun and kills the Doc. But the doc is smart enough to tape it on the weapons briefing that he's hidden until the fight. So the chick is super pissed cause she wants to fight so she goes and knocks Achilles out, suits up and hijacks the robot. The refs say she took the field so she has to fight. She's trying out the new weapons and they find out that Tex is a murderer. He says you'll never take me alive and jumps out of a super high elevator shaft and bites it. So then the chick (Athena) gets knocked out, & Achilles goes out to save her. He jumps in the robot and Alexander allows it because all he wants to do is kill Achilles. The refs disqualify Alexander for not stopping so Achilles has really won it for the team, but he says fuck it and they have a showdown. Finally they tear the robots up and start fighting on the field. In the end, Achilles convinces Alexander that they don't actually HAVE to die on the field. Then they bump fists. THE END. Should you see this? Yes, order it for like $1 on VHS on Amazon and get wild man! You NEED this cheese.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: Hawk The Slayer (1981)

"Now this must stay a secret between you and me. Not only will I bring back the head of this Hawk, but I'll have the gold as well. Then Voltan will see who is the lord of the dance." - Drogo

"I'd sooner eat cowdung." - Gort

"We have sat waiting like this many times before. Sometimes I tire... of the fighting and killing. At night, I can hear the call of my race. They wait for me. When I join them, we will be forgotten." - Crow

This is your typical sword and sorcery flick except for THIS one is starring JACK FUCKIN PALANCE and the main dude is the main character Jack's dad CHRISTIAN from LOST! But in this he's about as young as Jack is in LOST. For a good long while this one was a hard one to locate, but it has come out on DVD and if you search you can definitely find it for sale online now. Its pretty rad. I can see liking it a whole lot more if I saw it when I was younger. Not particularly great, and pretty low budge... but if you're a wizard junkie, you'll dig it. Jack Palance and John Terry star in HAWK THE SLAYER!!!

This one starts off with a bang as evil Voltan (Palance) stalks into a throne room and challenges what looks to be a younger man, but calls him father. That part made me realize this was gonna be a bad one. They didn't even care that they cast a younger man to play Palance's father. But fuck it whatever. So he kills his own father because he won't give him some secret power he has. Then Voltan splits. Enter Voltan's brother Hawk. His father is about to bite the big one (he's not dead yet) and he gives him a sword off the wall with a fist in the hilt. Then he says some magic words and tells him to take this green rock out of a leather pouch hung around his neck. Hawk does it, and then the rock glows and floats and the hand on the sword grabs it. The king dad tells Hawk that this is the legendary Mind Sword and it would always leap into his hand if he just thought about it. SCORE. So before his old man croaks, Hawk promises to kill his brother.

Ok, so this Voltan is a dick. He beats the shit out of this guy, and the guy has to get his hand removed by these nuns. The guy is hell with a crossbow tho. So Voltan comes and kidnaps the head nun for a ransom of 2000 bucks or gold or whatever. The nuns send a message to some monks with the one handed man. Meanwhile Hawk rescues some witch from some hicks in the woods. She becomes his friend. The monks send a message to Hawk to help the nun. The one handed man meets up with Hawk who takes him to the witch so he can magically teleport and get his boys to help him fight Voltan and his army.

His boys each have their own little thing they are in trouble for, but Hawk helps a dwarf, a giant, and an elf telport to help him fight Voltan and rescue the chick. We find out that Hawk and Voltan hate each other because Hawk stole Voltan's chick and then Voltan killed that chick. Hawk and his boys head to the convent and then go steal the 2000 bucks from the slavedriver dude. Then Voltan comes to fight him but they lose, and Voltan sneaks up on him. But then Hawk kills Voltan's son Drogo, and even tho Voltan himself threatened to kill Drogo like 2 scenes back, he was pretty pissed. So they all prepare for the final battle.

I forgot to tell you that Voltan got acid poured into his face by his ex chick and that's why he hates everyone so much. Somehow it was magic acid, and it never heals, and Voltan goes to see his own black magic witch chick every few days so she can rub it with magic salve and stop the hurting for only a little while. Anyway, Hawk ends up having to sick his witch on all of them and they fight it out, and Voltan is killed, but as this thing goes on and on, we realize they are setting us up for a sequel which has never been made. Voltan is most def getting rezerected, but its seriously been 30 years last year, so don't look for it anytime soon. The made a website for HAWK THE HUNTER, but nothing has happened on it in two years. Should you watch this? Well, if you can find yourself a copy, I'd say go for it. The elf shooting arrows and the one handed man shooting the crossbow over and over and over every scene is hilarious because of how fast they shoot. That was my favorite part. Hope ya dig it.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012



Rocknowledgy episode 21 is up now!! on iTunes & elsewhere!!

Alahoyus brollums y broskeetas around the world! It's 2 Thorrsand 12! let's get ready to pump this motherfucker up with whatever life is left in it! A lot of people think this may be the end of the world, but for most of us, we believe that it could be the beginning of something beautiful. Open up your nose and let the air breathe in. Oxygen to tha brain jack.

In the recording I refer to the Little Willie and the Adolescents cover by the Dwarves as by Little Willie and the "Alexanders". I don't know where that came from. Rambling I guess....


Rocknowledgy 21 playlist:

Intro by T-6000,
Golden- Feel This Flow,
Syd Barrett- Octopus,
Junior Brown- Darlin' I'll Do Anything You Say,
Kut U Up- S&M Dens,
Thrills- Hey! (Not Another Face In The Crowd),
Lee Fields & The Expressions- Money I$ King,
Lungfish- Sex War,
Public Enemy- I Ain't Mad At All,
Dwarves- Get Outta My Life (Little Willie and the Adolescents cover),
Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band- Too Much Time,
Bloodlet- Shell,
Young Marble Giants- N.I.T.A.,
Avail- New #2,
Excelsior- Midnight Rendezvous,
Alice Cooper- Shoe Salesman,
T-6000 outro,
The Walker Brothers- The Electrician

Monday, January 2, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Omega Man (1971)

"Definition of a scientist - a man who understands nothing until there was nothing left to understand." - Matthias

"Don't screw up. I know how to roll, but it's hard on the elbows. And if you just have to play James Bond, I'll bust your ass. " - Lisa

"You know the old song? If you were the only girl in the world, and I was the only boy, well, okay, but until then, don't bother me? Well, I guess I'm the only boy..." - Neville

A classic Charlton Heston sci fi. Along with PLANET OF THE APES and SOYLENT GREEN, these were the movies that framed my sci fi childhood. If you took these end of the world sagas, maybe throw in LOGAN'S RUN, and the KAMANDI (LAST BOY ON EARTH) comics, something about that end of the world stuff always interested me. Heston landed roles in all of these powerful "ender" sci fi gems. This one in particular being a remake of 1964's THE LAST MAN ON EARTH starring Vincent Price, and was remade again in 2007 with Will Smith (ugh) as I AM LEGEND. Here we go with Chuck Heston in THE OMEGA MAN!!!!

This flick starts out with Colonel Neville (Heston) as a scientist who worked for the military on an antidote that would have helped save the rest of the world's population from the fallout of a chemical weapon used in a war between China and Russia.
It's 1977 and everyone else on Earth has perished... or so he believes. Neville lives in a bigass fortified mansion in downtown San Francisco, and drives whatever car he can find until he wrecks it or the gas runs out or whatever. He speeds around town and watches movies during the day. As he goes in to watch it again, he says he's watched "Woodstock" several times over the last few years.

So Neville is kind of going crazy being all alone. He hears phone's ringing, and talks to his only companion, a bust of Caesar. But, Neville himself knows he's not alone. Even though after three years he hasn't found any human survivors, he's had trouble with plenty of "victims" of the chemical warfare. These ex-humans call themselves "the family". They have weeping sores, and can't see, and can't handle themselves in the sunlight. So in essence they have become pseudo-vampires. The family believes that Neville is the one who caused them to be the way they are, but an enemy and a relic to them. Part of the "old way" that led to the wars and killing in the first place. Neville just wants them to leave him the fuck alone.

One night Neville believes he sees a black chick running around in a department store, so instead of spitting back to his apartment, he camps out for the night. The family catches him down in a wine cellar and takes him back to their lair to put him on trial for his sins. We find out in flashbacks that the head family dude used to be the main news anchor back before the shit went down. His name is Matthius. Matthius sentences Neville to death for his crimes (which are living in the old ways that humans used to before the fallout). They plan to burn him at the stake in Dodger stadium, but Neville is rescued by the black chick and some kids.

They drive out to the boondocks, and Neville sees that there's a group of survivors including a dude who was working on getting his doctorate in biological medicine which is what Neville studied. Neville starts banging the chick. Oh yeah, Neville is ammune because he was in a helicopter crash trying to deliver the antidote. When the pilot got sick and bit the big one, Neville survived the crash and jabbed the antidote (untested) into his leg. Lucky for him it saved him. Ok, so he sees that the kids are unmutated, and that some of them have blood that may resist the virus. So he decides to make a serum from his blood. He tests it on the chicks brother who is sick and cures him. The brother wants to save everyone after that. Neville plans to get them all the fuck outta there, but the kid brother gets grabbed by the family. Neville goes to save him and the chick gets infected. He tries to rescue them both, but gets a spear through the chest in a fountain. The kids come to pick everyone up to leave, and Neville is alive long enough to hand over the antidote serum. Then he croaks, and the kids split to start a new tomorrow. Should you watch this? Fuck yes, especially if you've never seen it, but have seen I AM LEGEND. word up.