Sunday, February 24, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Deer Hunter (1978)

"A deer has to be taken with one shot. I try to tell people that but they don't listen....I'll tell you, Nick. You're the only guy I go hunting with, you know. I like a guy with quick moves and speed. I ain't gonna hunt with no assholes." - Michael

"I like the trees, you know? I like the way that the trees are on mountains, all the different... the way the trees are." - Nick

"You gotta learn, Stanley. Every time you come up here, you got your goddamn head up your ass. Every time he comes up, he's got no knife, he's got no jacket, he's got no pants, he's got no boots. All he's got is that stupid gun he carries around like John Wayne. Stanley, see this? This is this. This ain't something else. This is this. From now on, you're on your own." - Michael

This one is heavy. Its one of the first movies that came out about the Vietnam war and it gets a ton of flack from people because a number of things in the movie are not historically correct and at times even made up. But I personally don't think it takes away from the movie. And it must not have bothered a lot of people at the time either because it won 5 oscars. Regardless, shit was heavy and bad over there and the soldiers went through a lot of shit. This movie is fucking epic. And I don't just mean in scope, I mean its epic in scale, its three hours long! But rest assured, if you want a long cold blue sunday picture, this one will GET YOU! Heavy as anything I've watched in a long time, Robert De Niro, Christopher Walken and Meryl Streep in THE DEER HUNTER!!!

The movie is shown in three parts or Acts. Act I starts out in Clairton, PA when a bunch of steelworkers get off work, with 5 or 6 good friends going to celebrate. Its a two part celebration as three of the friends are going off to Vietnam and one of them is getting married before he goes to a chick that's pregnant with some other dudes baby. Before they leave the friends are planning a big deer hunting trip on one of their last nights in the country. So the first whole hour is devoted to this really big wedding. The ceremony is straight up Russian Orthodox. Big and ceremonial. Then there's a huge after-party and these few scenes last right around 51 minutes! But the whole time we are building who these characters are. Nick (Walken) is the suave dancer, the intellectual. Michael (De Niro) is the quiet, strong, loner, central character. Steven is the younger, pushed around type. Nick's girlfriend is Linda (Streep) whom Michael obviously has feelings for. There's a tense scene when a soldier comes in to the VFW for a drink and the boys are drunk and try to "cheers" the guy, but he just says, "fuckit.". They get pissed and mock him, and its pretty clear that they have no idea what they're about to get into. The next day they go hunting and Michael bags a deer with his "one shot" technique.

Very abruptly we are transported into the heart of Act II. Michael is coming to on the ground on the outskirts of some burned down village with a flamethrower in his hand. He sees a Vietnamese soldier shoot a lady holding a kid. He kills him and then crazily a helicopter lands with reinforcements 2 of which are Nick and Steven. They are then captured and held along the river under a crude shack soaking and tied in the water and tortured. They are then forced to play a game of Russian roulette while the Vietnamese soldiers bet on who will die first. They see soldier after soldier die, and Steven freaks out. Michael tries to console him but Steven is picked next. He almost dies but grazes his own head and is left out with the rest of the dead bodies as punishment. Next up is Nick vs Michael, but Michael devises a plan to put 3 bullets in the gun. After they shoot two and neither dies. Michael shoots one of the captors and they kill all of them and escape. A helicopter picks them up, but Steven falls and Michael goes to rescue him. Nick thinks they're both dead and freaks out wandering around Saigon until he falls in with this bad french dude who persuades him into becoming a willing contestant in the roulette games for lots of money. Michael keeps missing Nick and is eventually sent home.

In Act III Michael arrives home and his friends have put together a big party in his honor. Upon arriving home he asks the cab driver to drive past his house and down the hill to the edge of town where he checks into a hotel. He's having a very hard time adjusting and he's just not ready for a big shindig. So after they leave he sneaks back home and surprises Linda at the door. She's very happy to see him, and you can tell very quickly is confused about her feelings toward him again. She likes him but she knows she loves Nick but who knows if he's ever coming back. At one point she just wants to spend the night with him so they can "console each other". Michael find out that Steven is back and he tries to get everyone to tell him where he is. His wife is catatonic and he finally gets a phone number out of her. Steven is glad to hear from Mike, but is so afraid he'll come to the hospital he hangs up quickly. Mike goes and gets Steven who is now legless and makes him get out of the hospital. He's treated like a hero around town, but he can't shake the fact that Nick made him promise not to leave him over there. So he goes back.

In a flash we are back in Saigon and Mike starts looking in the seediest places. He finds the French guy who runs the shows and pays him shitloads of this money that Nick had been sending to Steven in the hospital. The guy eventually reluctantly agrees to take him to Nick. So they go to a place and after much haranguing Mike is allowed entry into the roulette games. He doesn't see Nick and searches the place. Finally he finds him and Nick doesn't even recognize his own best friend. He has really nasty track marks up his arms and we are led to believe that he's heavy into heroin. Mike enters himself into the game against Nick to try to jog his memory. I won't tell you what happens, but I wanted to comment on the epilogue. I don't think it'll spoil anything if I don't say too much, but just in case you haven't seen it: *****************SPOILER WARNING!!!!!!!*************** Ok, my only problem with the epilogue is not the fact that they SING God bless America, its how fucking cheesy it is. They SING God bless America! At the dinner table over breakfast after a funeral. If I were there, I probably would have just gotten up. I guess I've never been the most patriotic, but that shit just seemed cheesy as hell. I read somewhere that they thought people wouldn't like it because they maybe thought they were taking the piss out of it, or maybe might think they were being blasphemous or something like that. I just think its lame. But that was a different time I guess. I've never in my life wanted to sit around and sing that song for no reason whatsoever and I'm not anti american or communist or whatever. I just think all of those old timey patriotic songs are cheeseball. BUT BESIDES THAT- You should definitely see this flick. Its pretty incredible.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Ernest Goes To Camp (1987)

"If he had faith in The Great One, the knife would not cut him. If he had courage; *true* courage, the rock would not break him. If the brave was pure of heart, the arrow could not catch him." - Nurse St. Cloud

"Ernest, you got a turtle on your nose man!" - Moose

"I did it! I took the Lindbergh baby! I am 'Josef Mengele' qv! AAAHHH!" - Ernest P. Worrell

This is basically an 80s "camp" camp movie perfected. They took the formula from the late 70s/early 80s and used every element to create the perfect backdrop for Jim Varney's dim witted signature character. This was the first (and best) in a long line of Ernest flicks (although he had an earlier cameo in a direct to video flick called DR. OTTO AND THE RIDDLE OF THE GLOOM BEAM). The thing that really got me while re-watching it after so many years was the montage songs. They really did describe what was happening in the movie. Its so wild, and this wasn't a spoof a la WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER, they were really going for it with this one. Jim Varney is Ernest P. Worrell in ERNEST GOES TO CAMP!!!

When the film begins we are in a flashback sequence where a young native American brave goes through a trial to test his courage and spirit. Flashforward to the present the same land where this took place is now Kamp Kickakee where our hero Ernest P. Worrell works as kind of a maintenance man and really wants to be a councilor. He's worked very hard to learn the ancient sign language of the only resident living from the tribe that the camp is named for. This man's daughter is the nurse at the camp. When the summer begins, the head councilor announces that in conjunction with some program the camp is bringing in some troubled youths to the camp for the summer much to the chagrin of the councilors. He sends Ernest to pick them up.

Meanwhile a company is buying up all the surrounding land to put developments on and the head dude is sending his lawyer lackey on rounds to get everyone who's been holding out to sign over now or else. Ernest picks up the delinquent kids and they immediately seize the opportunity to roll over him. They begin by making him play a guessing game while driving and almost make him crash the bus. The boys are put in the care of Councilor Stannis, a real prick. They get into a fight in the cafeteria right away and are sent to a really shitty cabin. After Stannis throws the youngest/smallest "Moose" in the water knowing he can't swim, the boys retaliate and throw Stannis in the water by pushing the lifeguard chair over breaking his leg. The boys are almost kicked out of camp, but Ernest begs for them to have another chance. They officially make him a councilor and he goes about it in his way, fouling up for the most part, but giving it all of his heart.

I should note that my favorite part of this movie is the two cooks Jake and Eddie, and their quest to make the ultimate dish "eggs erroneous". They build a machine that you can throw food items into what looks like a trash can and it shoots out the meal on the other side. So the only people holding out signing their land over to the developers is the old chief, and the lawyers talked his head off with him to no avail. So the head guy gets a sniper rifle and goes to speak with him. The boys begin to get along and decide to compete in the games, building a teepee only to have the rich asshole campers burn it down. This pisses them off, and makes them not care again. The head developer tricks Ernest into getting the chief to sign over the land effectively killing the camp. The next morning the head master tells everyone they have to close, to pack up and get ready to go home. Ernest decides to go fight them and gets the shit beat out of him. Then he sings and cries.

The boys decide they absolutely don't wanna go back to "juvi" so they come up with a plan and get Ernest on board to help them. Then there's this montage of them building this ridiculous Ewok village/pirate ship on top of a converted school bus. Its almost too unbelievable, but I guess you can buy into it if you consider how resourceful these young criminals are. They even get the asshole rich kids to help. EVERYONE'S FRIENDS NOW! And then there's the big showdown at the end. This is a total kid's movie, but the nostalgia makes it totally watchable. If you are young or grew up in the 80s, you'll definitely get a kick outta this one.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Judgement Night (1993)

"Attention, food shoppers. We have a special over at the frozen food department, dead meat!" - Fallon

"Calm down? This stuff's gonna cost me a fortune! I'm now the proud owner of this piece of shit! We're stuck in this piece of shit which I NOW OWN!" - Ray

"Let me tell you something, Ray. You don't understand shit, OK? Nothing. Guys like you check to see if they got a dick. I got one. You and your friends are the kind of spoon-fed fucking fruit bait that I fucking HATE! Shut the fuck up. You speak when fucking spoken to, okay. This is not fucking high school, motherfucker. I'll eat your fucking friends for fucking lunch. You know who we are? You got no fucking idea, do you? No. Jerks like you sail through life, reading about people like me in the newspaper. HEY! You're in a different place now, motherfucker! $100,000 might buy you out of North Shore. Here, that means shit. This is my fucking world." - Fallon

Who remembers this? This is a great example of the music industry and the film industry tying in with magazine subscription record clubs and pumping out soundtracks to hype kids up to see a film. I was simultaneously in BMG and Columbia House, so I was getting pumped from both sides. "You HAVE to get this soundtrack!", "You HAVE to see this movie!" And it wasn't so bad. The soundtrack was awesome, it teamed up hip hop artists with current rock artists. So you got: Sonic Youth AND Cypress Hill, Helmut AND House of Pain, Biohazard AND Onyx, Slayer AND Ice-T. Pretty rad. And then the flick drops and of course after all that hype, I went to see it, and it was pretty awesome. Emilio Estevez, Cuba Gooding Jr, Stephen Dorff, Jeremy Piven, Denis Leary, One of the dudes from House of Pain, Zed from PULP FICTION, and Crump's brother from THE STONED AGE all star in JUDGEMENT NIGHT!!!

Emilio is Frank, a dude who lives in suburban Chicago and is completely whipped by his wife who guilt trips the shit out of him and won't let him hang with his buds. So Jeremy Piven is Ray and he gets Frank and Cuba Gooding Jr tix to see a boxing match. Frank invites his younger brother Steven Dorff to come hang and everyone is a little iffy on the whole thing because he's supposedly a prick. But in all honesty, its Ray who is really the biggest prick. So Frank finally escapes his wife who guilt trips him all the way to the edge of the driveway and they split to downtown to see the fight. Problem is Ray has rented this HUGE RV and it looks like they're gonna miss the whole damn fight because they get stuck in traffic.

Tentions rise quickly when Ray tries to ride the median and squeeze in another lane in traffic and some cowboy won't let them in and then dudes jump out of their cars and someone gets decked. They finally get back into their cars and Ray, not wanting to miss the fights, backs out again on the shoulder and exits off the highway. They drive without the benefit of GPS and soon find themselves very lost in a completely desolate part of Chicago. Suddenly they hit something in the road. Ray comes to a stop and the other guys jump out to see what they hit. Ray had hit some kid and they bring it into the rented RV against Ray's wishes. Ray starts cleaning up all the evidence of them drinking because it looks like he's about to be up shit creek. Upon examination it looks like the kid they hit has been shot and he has a bag full of bloody money. He starts screaming that they need to get outta there and Frank yells for Ray to drive. He declines and Frank sees a squad car go by and he jumps in the driver's seat and pursues the cops. The cops get farther and farther away and then all of a sudden a car slams into their side and the RV turns sideways and drives into a narrow alley getting stuck and smashed all to hell. While they're gathering themselves together and Ray is whining that he is now completely fucked, someone shoots out the back window and drags the kid into the street.

Here's where it gets good. In the 90s, Denis Leary was cast as a villain in a ton of flicks, THE REF, DEMOLITION MAN, and his most sinister role here as Fallon the leader of the gang that the kid owes money to. Fallon shoots the kid dead while the four friends look on and then he instructs his gang to kill the witnesses. So they kick out the front windshield and bail, and Frank sets the RV on fire. They begin to run like hell with the gang in pursuit. The guy I call Zed was in a ton of flicks playing shady bad guys too. PULP FICTION, THE USUAL SUSPECTS. They chase and chase the boys through this dark desolate seemingly abandoned part of the city. The boys hide in a rail car and are trying to keep quiet but a bunch of bums blackmail them by threatening to rat them out if they don't hand over their wallets and valuables. They do, but one of the drunks starts yelling and alerts the bad guys. They come over shooting and the boys get away and escape to an apartment building.

Now over at the apartment building they go up in the top and you think, these have to be the unluckiest motherfuckers ever. Because how in the hell were these thugs going to find them- but they do. Over and over and over again they keep finding them. They hide in an apartment but the thugs begin harassing the neighbors and shooting them and fucking them up, so they don't want any harm to come to the ladies who let them in. They escape to the roof and try to go across to another roof by some ladders. Ray is chicken and throws the ladders off the roof trapping himself. He tries to talk his way out of the situation, but they throw his ass off the roof killing him. The other guys escape into a sewer but can't keep their mouths shut for five minutes and the gang comes after down there. They kill Red and then Fallon drowns Crump's brother for annoying him and then it went from 4 on 4 to 3 on 2. I won't spoil the ending for this one so that you can find a copy of the soundtrack on tape to hype yourself up and then search for yourself a VHS copy of this so you can relive 1993 in full effect! YES you should!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Repo Man (1984)

"A lot o' people don't realize what's really going on. They view life as a bunch o' unconnected incidents 'n things. They don't realize that there's this, like, lattice o' coincidence that lays on top o' everything. Give you an example; show you what I mean: suppose you're thinkin' about a plate o' shrimp. Suddenly someone'll say, like, plate, or shrimp, or plate o' shrimp out of the blue, no explanation. No point in lookin' for one, either. It's all part of a cosmic unconciousness." - Miller

"You eat a lot of acid, Miller, back in the hippie days?" - Otto

"Goddamn-dipshit-Rodriguez-gypsy-dildo-punks. I'll get your ass." - Bud

"John Wayne was a fag. He was, too, you boys. I installed two-way mirrors in his pad in Brentwood, and he come to the door in a dress." - Miller

"Oh, yeah, you're fuckin' A we ripped your car, asshole. You want to know who told us where it was? Your god-damned brother." - Olly

You want a sell on this movie? My old man and me watched this days after I gave him that kidney. Like about a week later. We were back home recovering and I told him he had to watch this one with me, so we get situated in this room that is pretty small consider the shape we were in and what we had just been through. We get 3 quarters of the way through it and I look over at him to see if he's enjoying it and as we catch eyes, he says very slowly, "...this is the most fucked up movie I've ever seen. What the fuck is going on?" Hahaha. I love that. Completely revisitable over and over. Zander Schloss (Circle Jerks), Harry Dean Stanton, and Emilio Estevez in REPO MAN!!!

So, our hero Otto works a shitty grocery store job, something that I can identify with having spent seven long years working for Winn-Dixie in my youth. By the time I quit that job I could have been talking into just about any scheme involving the quick deaths of at least two of my employers at the time. I remember building up a lot of hate and then just having to let it go so that I didn't spend another 7 years in a real jail instead of a jail job. So Otto gives them the fuck you and goes to hit up his folks for the bread they saved up for him for college. But too late, his burnt out parents gave all their duckets to a scummy televangelist. BUMMER. So Otto hits the streets, going to a punk rock show and moshing around with his california punker friends. He tries to bang his girl, she tells him to go get her a beer during a party, and when he comes back, his friend is making out with his girl. He splits and drinks fortys.

While out walking the streets kicking cans, Otto is approached by a blue sedan. Bud is calling out to him from the window asking him if he'll drive a car thats parked across the street because his old lady is pregnant or sick or something. He says he'll give him some bread, I can't remember how much. Anyway Otto jumps in the car and begins to drive away and someone comes out and starts beating on it. He laughs and follows Bud to this building. Bud walks in and doesn't even pay any attention to Otto. Otto asks him whats up with his old lady and Bud gives him some bullshit excuse. The boss throws him a beer, and Otto pours it out on the floor. Bud almost busts his ass, and Otto figures out they're repo men and he claims he's not going to be one, but the chick hands him some cash and says "too late". Meanwhile, this whole time, there's this creepy dude driving around with half a pair of glasses in a car that's running hot. He gets pulled over. The cop asks to see what's in the trunk. He tells him he doesn't want to know. The cop takes the keys, opens the trunk and a glowing light vaporizes him. Then you keep seeing this dude and this car throughout the flick. The repo dudes hear that they're looking for the car maybe because the cop called it in before he was vaporized.

So Otto becomes fully immersed into the repo man lifestyle interacting and learning the trade from the various weirdos that work at the repo joint. He encounters his old friends and they don't know what to make of him dressing up in sports coats. He trades his fortys for speed and starts keeping wild hours. He meets a conspiracy theory chick who thinks she's being chased because she knows something about some aliens. She knows the weird dude is coming and thinks that his trunk is full of ETs.

There are some side plots about his dumb thief friends and their "gang" that ultimately is snarky commentary on "white suburban punks" of california in the early 80s. There ends up being a big competition to see who can land the malibu that has the trunk full of aliens because of a $20000 reward. Otto originally comes up with it by chasing it down and riding along with the weird ass scientist who actually dies while driving around. He slow crashes onto a curb and Otto just lays him on a bench. Bud quits from the gang and steals the car after Otto has locked it up. Then theres a big showdown and the cars shows up glowing bright green from radiation. Otto's been ratted out, locked up and tortured by some CIA agents by this point. The only one not scared to jump in the car while its glowing is Miller, and he's not even a repo man, he's like the clean up guy. Anyway, the car literally takes off and flies away, and at this point my old man was like, "yeah, this is just completely fucked up. I don't understand." But we were kinda doped up at that point. Should you see this? Yes. Think about purchasing the soundtrack as well.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Jaws (1975)

"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity." - Quint

"Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down the pond chasin' bluegills and tommycods. This shark, swallow you whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down you go... I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten... $10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing." - Quint

"You're gonna need a bigger boat." - Brody

This is an unbelievable flick. If you haven't seen this in a long time, or just think of this as "some cheesy shark movie from the 70s" you really owe it to yourself to check this out. Its an actual HORROR movie that is really SCARY. Its scary in a different way than monster flicks or satan flicks or zombie flicks (if those ever scared you at all anyway). Its scary because there really are sharks out there. And they occasionally eat people who are unfortunate enough to get in their way. Robert Shaw, Richard Dreyfuss, and Roy Schneider star in JAWS!!!

So in the beginning these beach hippies are partying and this one chick gives this dude the eye and telepathically tells him- "let's fuck in the water", so they take off, and before he can even get in the drink, she's getting chomped up by something down below. The head jerk is COMPLETELY gnarly and famously scary. Cut to an island police chief who knows something bad has happened, but instead of being able to close off the beaches, the mayor puts the kibosh on that and says no way. Its a summer town and they'll be broke if they do that. So they say it was a boating accident. Then this chicks son gets killed and she slaps his face cause she found out he was lying and he wishes he never pulled that boat shit.

So now everyone is up in arms, but the mayor still won't give in. A bunch of fisherman go out and catch a medium sized tiger shark and the mayor claims that MUST be it. But a wildlife expert comes in and tells them that there's no way that girl was eaten by a small shark. It only takes him five minutes to determine that they're dealing with a real monster. He calls it a great white. This crazy old fisherman claims he can catch it all for them if they pay him $10000. The mayor declines in the beginning. Then the cop and the expert find a fisherman's boat and a shark tooth and a dead guy. The mayor won't believe them though because Richard Dreyfuss dropped the tooth.

So on the 4th of July a bunch of fisherman and coast guard dudes are on patrol in the ocean, but no one is getting in the water. The mayor gets some old dude to go in and everyone reluctantly enter the water. But then some kids scare everyone by swimming with a fin on. Everyone relaxes after they think its a hoax and then five minutes later the real shark comes out in the bay and bites a small boat in half, almost killing the cops kid and then it eats another man. Finally the mayor says hire the crazy captain and kill the thing. The captain is a real asshole, but even though he wants to go alone, the cop and the expert convince him to let them come along to catch it.

So they get out in the water. The cop throws out bait, the expert drives, and the captain captains. They eventually see the big bastard. They estimate it to be at least 25 feet long. The captain harpoons it and gets a barrel stuck to it, but it disappears. They get drunk and the captain tells one of the roughest most gruesome 5 minute stories ever. Then they battle this shark in one of my top 5 gnarliest scenes ever. I won't tell you what happens except for that its great. Go revisit this one even if you're an old fan. Its a really good watch that still holds up.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Last Chase (1981)

"Those of us that survived learned to cope with changes, and I lost the chance to do what I love best...race cars." - Franklyn Hart

"...and this MAN...this fool...IS DEFECATING ON THOSE FLOWERS!" - Hawkins

"I knew she'd sick you on me here sooner or later you two-legged bloodhound. How'd you get in here?" - Captain J.G. Williams

Here we go. I searched for this movie for a LOOOOONG time. As a kid, I was a huge fan of the 1966 Batman series and I was also a fan of THE FALL GUY. Not to mention that ol Lee Majors was also the SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, and was married to Farrah Fawcett. So when I heard about a film about a world stricken with a disease that kills most of the inhabitants and takes away their forms of transportation starring Lee and ancient ol Burgess Meredith the Penguin himself, I had to find it. Ladies and gents, THE LAST CHASE!!!

So at some point in the future, a major plague happens on Earth wiping out a significant portion of the population. Around the same time, mankind has also depleted its fossil fuel supply. In the ensuing chaos that unfolds, a Gestapo type government takes control of the US and installs cameras everywhere resulting in all of the automobiles being dismantled and a good portion of everyone's personal freedom's taken away. Our hero is Frank Hart, an ex race car driver whose family was killed in the plague. As a bizarre type of punishment for the type of life he led, his job working for the government is to go around and give speeches and lectures on the importance of public transportation and the evils of having your own vehicle and how life is way better now that he rides the bus instead of driving race cars.

This horseshit spiel he's forced to give everyone is really freaking him out and he spends his nights in his garage piecing together an unbelievably fast porsche racing car from parts that he steals from junkyards. Around the time that he finally finishes it, every once in a while he'll see this A/V signal jam coming from somewhere in California that interupts regular propaganda type television telling everyone that plans are being made to help everyone become free again and for people to try to head out to California if they had any way to do it. So one day Frank is giving a speech at this private school and there's this whiz kid who's also been jamming the government's signals. Frank randomly is completely over his whole bullshit talk and finally just abandons it and tells the kids what he really thinks. He almost gets fired over it, but the kid is really inspired. Frank's boss yells at him, and he goes home. Meanwhile the kid runs away from school b/c the pigs are onto him for being an airwave pirate. He somehow makes his way to Frank's house and breaks into his garage. This lures the police to Frank's house and kind of forces his hand. He wasn't necessarily ready to make his trip yet, but after the pigs come looking for the kid, he almost gets his facade blown. The cops all drive golf carts by the way.

So they take off across the country. They don't have anyone to stop them, but the roads haven't been used in over 20 years, so there are some trouble spots they have to figure out. The thing is there aren't any cops are anything out there. This infuriates the government goons, and the one dude they send to handle the situation decides that if there is anyone in the country who used to fly planes that is still alive, he knows where there are enough parts to restore one. So they send this geeky guy to get Burgess Meredith. He's a drunk who likes to fly kites. But when he here's that he gets the chance to fly again, he almost immediately snaps out of a 20+ year drunk. It takes them awhile to put the plane together and then they are in hot pursuit of Frank and the kid. They are stealing gas with this hand pump out of the bottom of basically any gas pump that exists because they all have a bit way down in the bottom. So he's loving it.

So Burgess Meredith catches up to them and unleashes the machine guns and he actually hits them first shot. But Lee Majors was only hit in the shoulder and while the Penguin is flying around, Lee and the kid duck into some woods. They meet some Native Americans and some others living in a commune and they help them hide their car and patch Lee up. Lee falls for this chick but before they have a chance to confess their feelings, some militia dudes come in and start shooting all these innocent people. So Lee and the kid split. Meredith is back on them quickly but he radios them and tells them that he doesn't want to kill them. But the government dudes are listening in and they rig up a laser in the desert that will blast the hell out of them judging by what it can do to a cactus. Burgess tries to warn them, but its too late, and to save them he crashes his plane INTO THE LASER!!! BOOM!!! And its pretty much smooth sailing from there. Does Lee make it to California? And what becomes of the kid, or the chick? Or the government goons? You'll have to search for it and see! Enjoy!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Prototype X29A (1992)

"Suffering demon! I told you not to sleep here. Wake up and remove your sinful body from my hotel!" - Rev Delaney

"What do you mean dead? He hasn't paid his rent!" - Rev Delaney

"Glad you think this is so funny. Maybe you can help me find him and bury the little shit!" - Chandra Kerkorian

This is one of the worst sci fis I've ever watched EVER. And I've seen a ton of them. And believe me, there are tons more out there. So I'm not saying this one is THE worst, but its one of them. Its a slow ride that can't hold your attention because it portrays itself as an action flick ala ROBOCOP, but ends up trying to be a tearjerker post apocalyptic romance. No one you've ever heard of in PROTOTYPE X29A!!!

Poor acting, poor dialogue, poor lighting, poorly executed decisions on almost every basic movie making level on top of taking itself way too seriously is what kills this movie. Don't get me wrong, if its executed well, the more serious, the possibly more believable, the possibly more scary. But what's the meme everyone uses? "Ain't nobody got time for that!" The story begins with a title card on the screen that explains that in LA around 2020, the government created these cyber-humans to help them do something, possibly keep the peace. They were called Omegas. But sooner or later the Omegas rewrote their own programming to follow their own agenda. Whatever that means. So the government created these Prototypes to hunt down and kill all the Omegas. They suceed, except for this one kid. In a flashback sequence, we see a "rebel" Omega leader tell some old chick to take his daughter and hide her from the Prototypes. They he gets wasted. (Killed not drunk).

The old chick does and we flashforward to like 2047. The chick is grown and even though she doesn't know it, just like her old man, you can plug a computer in the back of her head. She doesn't know that, but she knows she's different and has pretended to have a brother growing up so that no one would think that she was the missing Omega baby. So she hangs with this dude who's in a wheelchair and jerks off to a version of her in cyber porn all day. Her fake little brother has some kind of scanner powers like her called "processing". They always get in trouble trying to cheat at cards. She's very protective of him. Meanwhile, some young chick comes to their town wanting to start up the Prototype program again.

She meets up with some doctor dude who used to be the head of the Prototype program. They never tell you why he can't just get the program up and running by himself. There is literally NO REASON for this chick to be in the movie. She goes to the cripple guy and tells him she can help him walk again. He knows there are going to be consequences. She tells him he'll never get to "really" bang the daughter chick unless he can walk. She played him against his weaknesses and insecurities. So he goes through with it. Basically they cut his head off and stick it on a robot. So he's the new Prototype. Its so stupid. Then he's like a sad robot, but "oh my gosh" he's not supposed to have any feelings. BARF.

So there's this band of mute punkrock karate dudes who do tai chi and protect the girl and her fake brother. They take her one day when they know the Prototype is coming for her. I should say they TRY to protect her. Anyway, they plug her neck into the matrix and her dad left her a message in cyber space. He says, protect the world, or some crap. It doesn't matter. The creepy old doctor kills the chick who built the prototype, when he probably could have just built it himself. I never understood that. Then the Prototype sadly goes about his business eliminating the last of the Omegas. Does he go through with it? Does she get away? Do you really actually care? Seriously, my half assed explanation is 15 times more riveting that the actual movie. Don't bother.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Leprechaun: In The Hood (2000)

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed, but a friend with gold is the best I'm told." - Leprechaun

"Hey you, you listen to me. You don't wanna fuck with me, okay? I hope you had sex last night, 'cause I'm gonna come over there and I'm gonna cut off your dick, then I'm gonna feed it to my pit, then I'm gonna burn the shit when it comes out my goddam dog's ass, you hear me? Don't fuck with me, bitch!" - Mack Daddy

"I ain't with that "save the fucking hood" bullshit, "treat your girl right", that shit is wack. All right? This label, we rap about Uzis, blowing motherfuckers' heads off. Know what I'm saying? "Smack your bitch up", "Shoot your motherfucking homeboy in the face", type shit. All right?" - Mack Daddy

Here ya go! The straight to video, 5th installment of the Leprechaun franchise- but probably the BEST/WORST one- if you can believe it. Well, that may be horseshit, because as I type this, I've never even seen "LEP BACK 2 THA HOOD", which i THINK is #6. But regardless, if you love stoner trash, this is for you. Warwick Davis and Ice T in LEPRECHAUN: IN THE HOOD!!!

This one begins with 2 dudes in the 70s digging around in a sewer and looking for treasure from a map they have. One is pissed at the other for bringing him down there. Then they bust through a wall and find a little statue and a bucket of gold. One guy with a huge afro grabs a golden flute and tells the other to grab the rest. Then the other guy takes and amulet off of the statue and the little guy comes to life creeping around and annihilates the guy. Then as he's getting ready to kill the other dude- Mack Daddy, somehow the amulet falls back around his head and he turns back into a statue.

Fast forward to present day and three shitty rappers are trying to get into this rap contest in Vegas and win it and then get a record deal. By chance they find themselves in front of Mack Daddy, the head of some record label that he started with the gold he stole from the Leprechaun 20 years earlier. He asks them to come have a meeting with him. This conflicts with the message that the leader of the three, Postmaster P wants to give. But Mack Daddy isn't having any bullshit. He wants killing and uzis, and the conflict of whether or not to sell out causes pause with the band. Mack Daddy is impatient and tells them to get the fuck out. They get pissed at each other and eventually and reluctantly decide to rob him. They accidentally free the Leprechaun and split out fast. The Leprechaun beats the hell out of Mack Daddy and tells him to get his flute back or die.

The Leprechaun chases the boys around town, hunting them down at a church and killing the preacher, killing a transvestite, killing the asian guy at the market who hates them, and they barely escape each time. But they begin to get a following by playing the flute. Little do they know that every time they blow into it, it alerts their whereabouts to the Leprechaun. When he catches them he makes Stray the loudmouth one shoot himself in the mouth. The other dudes are bummed, but they devise a plan to get him back.

The fat virgin rapper and postmaster p dress up like chicks and go to the hotel where the Leprechaun and his "zombie fly girls" live. They go upstairs and get the Leprechaun to smoke a joint that has clover in it. It makes him pass out long enough for them to steal the flute back and split. When they get downstairs, Mack Daddy kills the virgin and then the Leprechaun comes down for the final showdown. I'll let you figure out the ending for yourself if you're so inclined. Should you watch this one? I usually watch stuff like this more than once if its really funny to me, but this one isn't all THAT funny. It's not essential, but good/bad either way.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Scream And Scream Again (1970)

"Smells like cheese, looks like ham...Oh, no problem: it's chicken." - Bellaver

"Fastest transition in the world: from human to corpse. It doesn't do to get the two confused, or you'll never be successful." - Professor Kingsmill

"She has never really existed yet, you see she's been assembled piece by piece, organ by organ. She's a composite, like Keith... You remember, the so-called 'vampire killer'." - Dr. Browning

Ah, who doesn't love a good old Vincent Price movie! And a groovy one from just after the "summer of love"! This was one of my favorite flicks to push on people way back when I worked at a video store. I don't even remember why I picked up all those years ago. I just wanted to get into some weird old horror that I had never heard of and I stumbled onto this gem. Also starring Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing (Gran Moff Tarkin from STAR WARS)- and another guy I didn't really know, but who probably should have been top billed is Alfred Marks- I present to you Vincent Price in SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN!!!

Ok, before we get started here, realize now that this is a super hard to understand movie. I'm not sure if I ever figured out what was going on and I've seen it like ten times. The plot is like three different stories slapped together that KIND OF come together at the end. They never really tell you what, or why, I guess you're just supposed to take hints and figure it out yourself. The first scene while the credits are playing show this gun running his ass off across (we'll say) London. When the credits end, he has a heart attack and collapses. Throughout the movie, they keep coming back to him and he's waking up dazed in a hospital bed, and he's pleading to a mute nurse who ignores him. And when he turns down the covers he realizes one of his legs has been taken, and - he screams.

Then we're taken to a club and there's this Frankenstein version of Mick Jagger who keeps taking chicks and banging them sometimes against there will and then he sucks their blood out and leaves them for dead. The coppers are hot on his trail and they plant one of the female cops in there to try and lure him. It works and he whisks her off in his tiny Miata and begins sucking her wrist. The coppers move in and he's almost passed out from drinking blood, they smack him awake and he beats the shit out of five cops like it was nothing and speeds away in his Miata. Unlucky for him, they had a tracer in her shoe that was left in the car. And so begins the centerpiece of the whole movie and really my reason for liking it in the first place. We are treated to a 15 plus minute car/foot chase through England where this hulking monster evades the bobbies any way he can. He gets caught in a quarry and he runs up to the top and falls hilariously right to the bottom at their feet. Amazingly he's only stunned, and they handcuff him to the back of one of the cars. They go to call in that they've caught him and the bastard RIPS HIS OWN HAND OFF TO GET AWAY!! Then he leads them to the house that they had just been to days before to research the disappearance of a worker. He goes into a shed and jumps into a vat of acid!

A third storyline running through the flick is of this unnamed European country that is supposed to be Germany (I'm only guessing because of their Nazi-like uniforms and insignia) that has a spy who has either stolen or some secrets or either way knows too much. When called out on it he kills his superior and assumes command of this army, commander by commander. He visits each one who is reaming him for his unorthodox ways or is suspicious of him for his quick rise in rank and puts this mean Vulcan death grip on them and they die instantly. He seems to have superhuman strength, kind of like the Frankenstein Jagger. I GUESS that's a connection. Ok, so flash back to the runner in the hospital, same deal, mute nurse, wakes back up, pushes down the bed covers and reveals- they've taken another leg. AND HE SCREAMS AGAIN! (get it?)

Ok, so the whole time, there's been this Dr. Browning (Price) who has played dumb about everything and there's this young mortician/police autopsy/graduate assistant kid who's been poking his nose where he shouldn't. The mute nurse comes to steal the missing hand, and it turns out she's a frankenstein too. The kid takes the chick cop to the house where the frankenstein jumped in the acid, but now the acid is gone. But he goes back to find the chick cop missing. So he sneaks in the house and the Dr reveals that he's making "composites" and that his work is very tedious. Somehow and for some reason, Christopher Lee is involved and he's (I think) on the English's side, but working in cahoots with the Bad Euro Frankenstein killer. The Bad Euro Frankie Killer busts into the house and comes in and kills all the composites and tries to fight the Dr who ends up being a compostie too. He says the doctor has fucked up by letting his composites run wild in England, and that their shenanigans have made the papers even in his country. But the Euro Frankie gets killed by the Doc. Then Christopher Lee busts in and the Doc pleads with him that he HAD to kill Euro Frankie because he was trying to stop his work and said it was out of hand. And Christopher Lee says, "It is.", and bullies the Doc into lowering himself into the acid. Lee goes out and the kid asks, "is it over?", to which Lee responds, "Its only just begun." WAH-WAH. Should you watch this? Well, for cinematography alone the chase is amazing. You can watch that part or the whole thing on Youtube. Up to you, but don't expect to understand all of it.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Purple Rain (1984)

"Well, for starters, you have to purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka." - The Kid

"God got Wendy's periods reversed. About every 28 days she starts acting nice. Lasts about a weekend." - Matt Fink

"Oh, Lord... Either somebody put something in my drink, or you're the finest motherfucker I've seen in ages!" - Morris

A movie that plays like its supposed to be reality. Set in Minneapolis in the 80s, its a film that sets up a rivalry between "The Kid" (Prince) and the Revolution vs Morris Day and the Time against the backdrop of the First Avenue rock club. Most of the performers play themselves, with a little bit of exaggeration in the drama department. Prince, the Revolution, Morris Day, Jerome, Appalonia, and Billy Sparks in PURPLE RAIN!!!

Minneapolis night club First Avenue has a bitter rivalry going down on a nightly basis with veteran performers Morris Day and The Time being shone up at first by talented newcomers The Revolution fronted by "The Kid". When the film begins, The Revolution break into their song Let's Go Crazy. All of the music performed are pretty much extended videos that show the entire song. The movie was written this way to simultaneously capitalize on a musical movie and a chart topping soundtrack. This chick moves from (I think she said) Alabama to Minneapolis to break into the record business. Interesting choice of cities, but I guess they did have something going on. She skips out on a cab and sneaks into the club giving her number for the owner. The kid finishes and The Time go on. The Kid walks into the audience and spots Appalonia (the chick). He breathes down her neck and then disappears.

The kid is a bit of a jerk to his band. The girls have been writing songs and giving him tapes and he doesn't even listen to them. He's got a pretty big ego. He rides a fancy Honda and lives with his parents out in the suburbs. But his folks are completely fucked up. The dad is beating the mom every time he comes home. I think seriously he comes home like five different times and either has to pull his dad away or his mom has split and is found crying somewhere. Its heavy, but looking at him, you wouldn't think he would even live at home. So Morris Day is scheming a way to get The Revolution kicked out of First Avenue. He talks Billy into giving him a chance to put together a different group and sets about finding performers for his female band. Meanwhile the kid has schemed HIS way into Appalonia's pants, teasing her about helping her get a job, even though he really has no intention of doing so. Its pushed home that he really only cares about himself.

So Morris has his group put together, but they need a leader for it, and he decides to try and get Appalonia to do it, and begins courting her. She is hesitant at first telling him that the Kid is going to help her. So she splits and buys the kid a guitar he's been wanting. The kid is bumming because his assholeishness is about to break up his own band. He won't play the girls song and they are getting pissed. Meanwhile he isn't pulling as many people at the club. So Appalonia brings him his gift and tells him she's going to sing for Morris's new project- AND HE SLAPS THE SHIT OUT OF HER. She's pissed and splits and joins the "Appalonia 6". The kid feels bad because he is turning out to be as shitty as his father... who turns out to be a failed genius musician himself.

So Appalonia comes to see The Revolution play and they do this crazy version of "Darling Nikki" and he's screaming at her and Morris and Jerome and like beating off with the mic and making fun of them, and it looks like he thinks its funny, but then she storms off crying and he storms off backstage and throws a tantrum and Billy yells at him and tells him no one even understands his stupid music but him and he better do something quick or he's fucked. Then his dad beats his mom again and then kills himself. The kid is sad and he drives his motorcycle around and then finally he listens to the girls tape. Boom. Then he writes a bunch of singles and almost runs over Morris Day, and I won't tell you the end. You'll have to see this yourself. If you want a big wild story, you're not gonna get it here. If you like musicals, or if you like Prince, or if you wanna see some full pretty rad footage of Prince jamming back in the day, then you should watch this.