Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Alahoyus to all! Happy New Year! Valient and the T-6000 back with their 20th Episode! Get ready for some killer jams. Pop some bottles yall.
Go download the episode HEEEEEEERRREEEEE now. It'll be free on iTunes later today.
Episode 20 playlist:
Intro by T-6000,
Comets On Fire- Dogwood Rust,
Death- Keep On Knocking,
Annihilation Time- Get A Job,
Zior- Entrance Of The Devil,
Captain Beyond- Dancing Madly Backwards (On A Sea Of Air),
Caltrop- Ancient, Suicide- Wrong Decisions,
The Dead Milkmen- Meaningless Upbeat Happy Song,
The Dead Milkmen- Or Maybe It Is,
The Dismemberment Plan- The Ice Of Boston,
Funkadelic- I Got a Thing, You Got a Thing, Everybody's Got a Thing,
The Flaming Lips- With You,
Willie Nelson- Me And Paul,
Ghostface Killah- Back Like That,
Outro by T-6000,
Kolpakov Trio- Starrushka
Friday, December 23, 2011
alahoyus to all and to all a good night! Tired of your boring old Xmas party mix. Me and the T-6000 are here to help. I almost didn't do a holiday show, because most of my friends hate Xmas music.... BUT I think it's because everyone usually plays the same old shit. Just like we always do, Rocknowledgy digs deep in the cracks of chrimbus to bring you the best of the unknown or rare in everything, including season's greetings. So download, load it up, crank it up, and turn up the eggnog. Happy Holidays.
This episode is available for free download HERRRRRRRREEEEE and later it'll be on iTunes (for free).
PS- BONUS VALIENT HIMSELF & T-6000 ACAPELLA HOLIDAY CAROL MEGAMIX AT THE END. ENJOY.
Episode 19 Holiday Playlist:
Intro by T-6000,
Dies Irea- Silent Night,
Squirrel Nut Zippers- Santa Claus is Smoking Reefer,
The Sonics- Don't Believe in Christmas,
King Diamond- No Presents For Christmas,
James Brown- Go Power At Christmas Time,
Jethro Tull- A Christmas Song,
Eek-A-Mouse- Christmas A Come,
Wesley Willis- Merry Christmas,
Merle Haggard- If We Make It Through December,
Sparks- Thank God Its Not Christmas,
Hasil Adkins- Santa Claus Boogie,
Fat Daddy- Fat Daddy,
Lemmy Kilmister/ Billy Gibbons/ Dave Grohl- Run Run Rudolph (Chuck Berry Cover),
Spinal Tap- Christmas With The Devil,
The Who- Christmas,
VALIENT HIMSELF/ T-6000- ACAPELLA HOLIDAY CAROL MEGAMIX,
Outro by T-6000,
Ramones- Merry Christmas (I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight)
Friday, December 16, 2011
!!! THORRIORS!!! I got "Alahoyus" added to the Urban Dictionary!!!
Go HEEEEEEERRRRRRREEEEEE to see the definition of a greeting brought from our world to yours, and NOW added into your lexicon.
THAT'S WHAT I CALL "EFFORTS REALIZED" JACK!!
Go HEEEEEEERRRRRRREEEEEE to see the definition of a greeting brought from our world to yours, and NOW added into your lexicon.
THAT'S WHAT I CALL "EFFORTS REALIZED" JACK!!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
"Deke- turn on the tv- there's a old cowboy movie on with nothing but midgets. Yeah midgets- even the horses are midgets." - Johnny Suede
"She's not a schoolteacher! She works with retarded kids and shit, and I mean that's a big difference." - Johnny Suede
"I wrote a song once...It's called "The Rent Song". Did you ever hear "The Rent Song"? It goes like this: hey, hey, -today is the day- those that pay- will get to stay. Those that don't,- I hate to say,- they got to pack their shit..and move, move away...Practice that, Caruso." - Landlord
This is a helluva flick. I hadn't seen it since around the time it came out. I probably saw it in like 92 for the first time. It left an impression on me. I remembered it being somewhat strange but quirky. Going back now, it makes sense that the director Tom Dicillo had worked on numerous projects with Jim Jarmusch. It has a very Jarmusch feel to it. Johnny Suede is a misunderstood crooner who just wants to put a band together and doesn't really understand anything about women. Brad Pitt, Nick Cave, Catherine Keener & (a tiny cameo by a man who'd become a megastar that same year with PULP FICTION) Samuel Jackson star in JOHNNY SUEDE!!!
This is a crazy lil flick about a guy named Johnny. Not sure if his last name is Caruso of if that was some vague reference his landlord was making. Either way, he goes by Johnny Suede and he's a big liar with a huge pompadour that really wants to start a band. He idolizes Ricky Nelson and thinks that he has it all except for a pair of suede shoes. There's a revival of rockabilly type shit in Brooklyn where he apparently lives, led by a guy called Freak Storm (Nick Cave). Johnny just wants to get a band together but his buddy keeps trying to get him out to the club scene. When he splits for home one night after hanging for a while at a club, he sees a woman being raped (even though she's not complaining and a dude says she's game for it). He goes to call the police and a huge box crashes down on the phone booth he's in. When he checks it out, theres a pair of diamond encrusted black suede shoes inside of it.
The shoes immediately give Johnny confidence and he hits on this chick Darlette who's dating a weird photographer in town named Flip Doubt. He keeps seeing her even though she's dating the other guy, continually fueling his own ego. But Johnny is broke and- even though he doesn't want to- takes a job as a painter with Deke (his bud). Darlette complains of abuse by the boyfriend but he has a gun so Johnny can't get him. Then one day, Darlette just dumps Johnny. He finally gets his band together, pisses off a midget, and meets a weird chick who's nothing like anyone he's ever met.
Johnny meets Freak Storm who's kind of a crook/junkie. He gives him his tape and $20, and Freak Storm gives him a song. The tape was supposed to go to a producer, but we never learn if it ends up there. Johnny actually turns the song into a better song. He ends up digging the new chick, they become involved, and she asks him to move in with her. Johnny contemplates the move with Deke one day, but decides against it. Naturally he ends up moving in with her anyway. But Johnny is a dude, and he's a flawed character at that. He has bad dreams about the midget getting him, and he ends up following some chick home from the subway. He actually just goes into her apartment and tells her some tale, and they end up fucking. Johnny returns home and lies to his girl about where he's been, but somehow, the subway ladie's panties were stuck to his pants or his jacket, or in his pocket or something. BUSTED.
So Johnny fucked up. She kicks him out, throws a shoe out the window at him and he can't find it. He told her not to throw shoes at him, and so he ends up slugging her in the belly. Then he splits. He's been through the ringer. Oh yeah, it was his birthday too. Forgot about that. He can't find his shoe. He goes out, sees Darlette, and she's with.... you guessed it- Freak Storm. So its the next morning, and Johnny makes his way back to Yvonne's (his chick- Keener). She hands him his shoe. But then the movie ends, and we see a cab drive off, with a shoe on its roof. Fucking weird. The whole thing has a weird indie feel to it. And seeing it now is weird because you know Brad Pitt as this huge star, but the only thing he'd done before this was THELMA AND LOUISE and it hadn't even been edited yet. So this was one of his first deals. He knocks it out of the fucking park if you ask me. Should you see this? If you're a Jarmusch fan, absolutely. If you like weird shit, totally. If you appreciate a good surreal dark comedy. Yes. Check it.
"I'm gonna poison their water supply! For gold! For ransom! For jewels! For money! AHHHHHahahahahahahahah!!!" - Velvet Von Ragnar
"I've figured out how to access their computers to re-channel radioactive waste so it goes from Diablo Canyon... into their *drinking water*. " - Ragnar
"What kind of designer-drug are you on? How is Lance mixed up in all this? " - Drew Stargrove
Talk about an action packed turd of a flick! This was suggested to me long ago by readers, and I finally found a copy in the last few weeks... however, I've been buying so many, I couldn't tell you where I bought it. Maybe in New Orleans. Either way, FUCKING MONEY'S WORTH!! James Bond spy set up with "son of" inclinations. Starring a very young John Stamos (about a year before FULL HOUSE started), Vanity (from THE LAST DRAGON fame), and Gene Simmons as a hermaphrodite!!!! You can't miss NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!!
*****(I did today's bad/awesome movie review in conjunction with the SHOW SHOW podcast hosted by Miles and Katie- I don't think this episode we taped is up yet, but when it is, it can be found HEEEEEEEEERRRREEEEEE.)*****
First off, this movie was distributed by the fine folks at CHARTER Entertainment. A few weeks back I reviewed another flick distro'ed by them from the same year called WHAT COMES AROUND (a Jerry Reed flick). I looked everywhere for the trailer for WHAT COMES AROUND on the internet, but the best I could come up with was a song that Jerry performed under his character's name (Joe Hawkins). But lo and behold, the first trailer that comes up on the VHS is for WHAT COMES AROUND. I'm going to video it with my phone and post it up for all the world to see. Its the little things in life that count. OK- back to this one... This flick starts off with a young Stamos getting ready for his big day training as a gymnast in his high school. It seems to be a private high school because all of his friends live in dorms. His roommate is a dude that plays the "Data" role a la "Data" from THE GOONIES. Its the old 'young Asian super smart inventor' cliche. If he looks familiar, its because he was in everything (THE GOLDEN CHILD, MACGYVER, 227, MIAMI VICE, THE A-TEAM, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, BRAINSMASHER, GLEAMING THE CUBE...tons of shit). There's so much build up with the gymnastics that I thought we were gonna get a little GYMKATA action. But no luck. What we do get is Gene Simmons as a bad guy leader living in a rock quarry with a buncha desert biker gang tweekers, who just so happens to be a burlesque jiving hermaphrodite. Did I mention he's looking for a disc to help him poison the city's water supply? Oh, well he is.
You see Stamos is Lance Hargrove and unbeknownst to Lance his dad just so happens to be Drew Stargrove, one of the governments top secret agents. There's even a "Stargrove" theme in the beginning of the flick. Strange details make this flick worth it. Somehow, in the beginning, Ragnar (Simmons)'s assistant Riley (Fucking Robert "Freddie Kruger" Englund) has lost the "disc" that will allow them to poison the city. And it's super confusing as to whether Stargrove is a secret agent, or some kind of super thief when we first see him, because it looks as if he's breaking into a bank underground. Either way, he's betrayed and taken to face Ragnar. Somehow he smuggled the disc away and mailed it off to his son in a care package. So Stargrove is killed by Ragnar. Lance goes to his funeral and notices this bangin chick crying over by the other mourners. When he goes to see meet his dad's assistant Corruthers, he finds out he's inherited some farm upstate.
So Lance decides to go up to the farm. When he gets there, he sees the chick Danja Deering (Vanity- what kind of name is that?!) and she gets ambushed by a bunch of those MAD MAX biker goons. She immediately begins capping dudes and then has to take her shirt off. ARE WE GOING TO SEE THOSE BOOBS SO DESPERATELY PONDERED UPON THROUGHOUT THE DURATION OF THE LAST DRAGON?? We shall see. For now though she teases up shooting dudes in a big grandma brassiere for like 5 minutes. After this scene, Lance says something to the effect of her being one of his dad's "pieces" and she smacks the shit out of him. Lance wonders why all this is happening, and Danja tells him his dad was a spy, and might have been killed by a burlesque dancer. Then he finds an underground lair under his old man's bed. Then he follows Danja to a club. Then we see the most disturbing burlesque show that has probaby EVER been recorded by anyone ever. Gene Simmons is especially creepy when he keeps yelling, "YEEE-AH!" At this club he uses one of "Data's" chewing gum "bugs" to bug Ragnar's room. Ragnar quickly finds it and throws it in a toilet. But then they blow up his motorcycle. He escapes, and borrows Data's bike. Then he hauls ass to catch up with Danja.
They play some cat and mouse games, kill some more bad guys, and then the head of the agency or whatever and Carruthers want to lure Ragnar out to get the disc. So they post Lance and Danja at the house and put them under surveillance. Danja is thankful for Lance saving her, so she puts on a bathing suit and starts hosing herself off. Lance tries to stop his sexual urges by eating an apple, and pacing around. But this girl is ready to pounce. You wouldn't have had to ask any other man alive twice. She's so dirty hot, and he's acting like a total kook. She takes her top off, and he's like FUCK IT. SO THEN BANG!! THERE THEY ARE. Vanity totally bares it all in the "D" grade flick. Totally awesome. It gets hot and heavy, but then Carruthers sends a helicopter in to "check" on them. Turns out Carruthers is really RAGNAR! WHOOPS! How could they not tell through that "really great" fake orange wig and mustache/beard combo?? Anyway, Ragnar gets them, and finds the disc in the motorcycle and then there's a big fight, Ragnar kisses Danja (YEAH), tries to kiss Lance (BOGUS), and then Lance decides that even though he has no training whatsoever, he's going to be the hero. So he fights the big goon, and Ragnar splits to poison the water supply (finally). Does he do it??? I'll not ruin the end of this one for ya, but I will say this- Vanity's titties aren't the only titties you get to see by the end of this flick!! GROSS!!! BIG FINISH! Should you see this? ABSOLUTELY if you can find a copy. Make it happen. Pure cheese at its best. Word.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Please take a few moments (took me 2 minutes) to call your rep and tell them NOT to censor the internet. The Stop Online Piracy Act seems like it would be a good thing for artists, but in reality it gives the government full on power to block websites and prosecute/fine them. THIS WILL AFFECT YOU. THIS WILL CHANGE THE INTERNET AS WE KNOW IT. We use the net now for commerce, communication, and in ways we all take for granite. Please don't sleep on this. Call them and tell them its crazy and will block your freedom at home and abroad.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Hello everyone! A la peanut butter SANDwiches! That's what the Amazing Mumford used to say. He had some sweet eyebrows, and a sweet stache too if you wanna go there. Have no idea who I'm speaking of? Well you may just want to google him. He was.... amazing. This week we crush the hopes and dreams of everyone else who even THINKS of making podcasts. That's how good this is. Well, maybe. Ok, let's be serious, there's probably like maybe one or two other ones that come close. THANKX FER LISTENIN.... "TELL EM ALL"
Episode 18 is available for download HERRRRRRRRRRRRE right now! and later today on iTunes. It's free, check it out. Subscribe and tell yer boys. Bumbaclot.
IF YOU'RE A FREQUENT LISTENER OF ROCKNOWLEDGY YOU MAY HAVE HEARD THE T-6000 EXPLAIN A CONTEST OVER THE OUTRO THE LAST TWO WEEKS. WELL WE HAVE OUR WINNER OF THE "DRAW WHAT YOU THINK THE T-6000 LOOKS LIKE" CONTEST AND HIS NAME IS COCK ROBINSON. HE DREW THE T-6000 AS SORT OF A CROSS BETWEEN DEBBIE HARRY AND H.A.L. FROM 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. VERY COOL. HE WINS THE PRIZE PACK. COCK ROBINSON, CALL THE HOTLINE AND LEAVE ME SOME SHIPPING INFO. EVERYONE ELSE, ENJOY HIS PIC OF THE T-6000.
Episode 18 playlist:
Diamond Head- The Prince,
The Lyres- I Wanna Help You Ann,
Violent Femmes- Dance Motherfucker Dance!,
Status Quo- Caroline,
Descendants- My World,
Make-Up- Born On The Floor,
Destroyer- The Sublimation Hour,
Golden- Ma Petite Est Mariée,
The Flying Burrito Brothers- Can't Ya Hear Me Calling,
Mercyful Fate- Charon,
The Specials- Do Nothing,
Joey Ramone- Stop Thinking About It
Monday, December 5, 2011
Alahoyus YALLLL. This is episode 17. Feeling like an animal and laying around on a heating pad all week after getting in a wreck, Valient decides to wreck your ears with some crushing jams this week. He is good, his back and neckbone have been better. But he will LIVE to rock again!! Posi vibes to you guys from Valient and the T-6000. Here we go!
Rocknowledgy is available NOW RIGHT HERE!! and later today on iTunes!!!
Episode 17 Playlist:
intro by T-6000,
The Soft Boys- Insanely Jealous,
Bad Brains- Stay Close To Me,
Radio Birdman- Aloha Steve and Danno,
Jimmy and Johnny- I Can't Find The Doorknob,
Deadguy- Pins and Needles,
Honey & The Bees- Love Addict,
Ram Jam- Let It All Out,
Blonde Redhead- Chi e' e non e',
Devo- Buttered Beauties,
We Ragazzi- I Forever Surrender 2 U,
T2- In Circles,
Standstill- Ride Down The Slope,
Judas Priest- One For The Road
Sunday, December 4, 2011
"And our password will be... Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch." - Dildano
"Then you're a dead duck. - Guards! To the Mathmos with this winged fruitcake." - the Great Tyrant
"An angel does not make love, an angel *is* love." - Pygar
"This is a much too poetic way to die." - Barbarella
Unbewievable. Jane Fonda was a goddamn fox in this. This is an irrefutable fact. Pretty much there isn't anything else to say. Its basically all about how fucking hot she is. Like twenty other chicks turned this role down. And I'm SO glad they did. I'm not sure any of them could have played this as well. Fonda has oft been quoted as wishing she didn't do it only because she turned down roles in Rosemary's Baby and something else that were hits, while this flopped. But fuck that. If this was the only flick she ever made, it would've went down in history. Jane Fonda, John Phillip Law, and a ton of French dudes in BARBARELLA!!!
Imagine Heavy Metal (the animated movie) coming to life. Well it did. Sort of. Barbarella was a French comic strip that came way before Heavy Metal. Jane Fonda just so happened to be married to director Roger Vadim, so after Brigette Bardot (his wife before her) turned it down, I guess he talked her into it. And guess who produced it? That's right! Probably the baddest ass producer of all time! Dino De Laurentiis. Barbarella is pretty much like a female version of Flash Gordon. Funnily enought Dino ended up directing a cinematic version of Flash Gordon about 15 years later as well. BINGO! So Barbarella is some kind of space agent or intergalactic ambassador from Earth dispatched to do a bit of dirty business. And NO not that kind of dirty business. Even though she ends up doing that kind. She never even had before if I understand it correctly. Well not like our dirty minds think of it anyway. Let me start over.
In the future, A drop dead gorgeous space ranger named Barbarella does a strip tease and then gets a call from the space president of Earth. He says, listen, go to the city of SoGo (I guess a reference to Sodom/Gomorra) where everyone is wicked and bring back this dude named Duran Duran (no shit). Duran Duran has built some kind of space laser, which surprises Barbarella because apparently in the year 40,000 AD they haven't used weapons in a long time. Also they haven't used sex. Which brings me to the dirty stuff. Apparently on Earth now they eat a pill and place hands together and somehow psychically bang each other. So Barbarella flies her spaceship to some planet called Tau Ceti. It kind of looks like Hoth with all the ice and snow. Two creepy twins hit her on the head with an ice snowball and take her to a place where other kids are. The kids try to sic their biting dolls on her but luckily she's rescued by this dude named Mark Hand "The Catchman". The Catchman is this tough dude who goes around collecting bad kids I guess. The name would have scared the shit out of me as a kid. "Watch out for the Catchman!" Anyway, he talks Barbarella into fucking him the ol fashioned way as a reward. TIGHT!! Then he fixes her ship and she splits.
Then Barbarella's ship drills into the planet like in the old cartoons. But then it breaks down again near some kind of underground labyrinth. Then she gets knocked out by a landslide. Then a blind angel named Pygar finds her. Pygar has lost his will to fly. His boss, some old wizard Professor Ping promises to fix Barbarella's ship. Then some Black Guards try to kill her. Pygar saves her, and then she bangs him. She digs him you can tell. So when she wakes up in his nest, he's all flying around because her vagina gave him the will to LIVE (and to fly)! So she talks him into flying them out of the labyrinth which is like a prison of punishment for people who are cast out of the wicked city. Which I don't understand. If you're supposed to be wicked, does that mean those who are cast out are all good? It seems that way. Anyway, they have to destroy the Black Guards in these funny spaceships with weapons the president sent Barbarella from the weapons archive. So they get there, and these rapers wanna rape Barbarella (rapers wanna rape, ha!) but she's saved by this hot one-eyed chick who calls her "pretty pretty", which I think is a great thing to call chicks. Then Barbarella saves Pygar from some thugs. Then this dude named the Concierge traps them and takes them to meet the ruler of SoGo who is called the Great Tyrant. Turns out the Great Tyrant is the same one eyed chick, except she has 2 eyes. And she's bangin. She wants to fuck either of them, but they turn her down. SoGo is set atop a weird sentient lake called the Mathmos which is alive and feeds on evil. Barbarella is sent to die by birds, and Pygar is sent to the Mathmos. Barbarella is rescued by a front of dudes (a rebellion) headed by a guy named DILDANO (!) Ol Dildano wants a reward, but HE actually wants to bang with the pill like the Earthlings do. Barbarella splits to try to help the rebellion and is caught by the Concierge again while she is smoking some 'ESSENCE OF MAN' (yeah seriously).
The Concierge tries to play a piano that actually fucks Barbarella to death, but her love-making is so good that she burns the machine out. The Concierge is so pissed that he reveals he is Duran Duran aged over 25 years by the Mathmos. That means he's FULL of evil. Dildano gave Barbarella an invisible key to get in the chamber of dreams to kill her which is the only time she is vulnerable. Duran Duran fakes allegiance to get access to the chamber and then locks Barbarella in with the Tyrant and goes to take over SoGo for himself. Then the rebellion happens, but Duran Duran uses his Positronic Ray to blast everyone. But unluckily for him, the Great Tyrant releases the Mathmos from inside the chamber and all of SoGo is swallowed up forever... except Barbarella and the immediate things around her. They are vomited up by the Mathmos because of her inherent goodness. Ditto for Pygar. And then Pygar flies both chicks out of there. Barbarella asks him why he saves the Tyrant, and he SAYS its because "angels have no memory" but really, I think he wasn't blind at all, and just wanted to bang both of them at the same time. You know the Tyrant was down. Should you watch this? If you are a lover of women and science fiction, you should own this. Are you a man or a mouse?
Saturday, December 3, 2011
"You are here because the outside world rejects you. THIS is your family. *I* am your father. I want you all to become full members of the Foot. There is a new enemy: freaks of nature who interfere with our business. You are my eyes and ears; find them. Together we will punish these creatures. These... turtles." - Shredder
"This is great. First it was The Farm That Time Forgot and now this. Why don't I ever fall in with people who own condos? Probably hard to get good maid service in a sewer. Maybe you guys should try Roto Rooter, huh? " - Casey Jones
"Wise man say forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza." - Michaelangelo
I don't know about you guys, but this flick holds up. Who doesn't like ninjas, and pizza? Those 2 things alone as a premise have held together lesser movies. But this one has that and much more. Not mere ninjas, but young ones, young mutated ninja ones, young mutated ninja turtle ones. Beat that, and you're just slinging adjectives together. This movie may only be topped by its own first sequel TMNT 2: SECRET OF THE OOZE (which hopefully we'll be discussing soon enough). Clearly because that one has something this one doesn't: Vanilla Ice. But this one does have Casey Jones and April O'Neil and Splinter and the boys, and ol Oroku Saki himself, the Shredder. Sit back, order some pie, and check out TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!!!
How appropriate that my roommates are building a patio outback and cranking what seems to be the greatest alternative radiohits of the 90s on a Jango station (Pandora clone). I've been sitting here laying on the heating pad all afternoon reliving some of the worst jams that I'd NEVER admit to having listened to back then beginning around the time this movie came out, when I was in the 5th grade. I'm laying on said heating pad because some asshole rear-ended me and totally totaled my Jeep 2 nights ago as I was leaving the Hurricanes game. BUMMER. But anyway, at least I have stacks and stacks of VHS to keep me happy. Also a very clean pair of sweatpants. But... I'm revealing too much. For my first feature-length fiasco I chose TMNT. This one was always near and dear to me. Straight from the pages of the Eastman and Laird comics, to the cartoon, to saying "DAMN" on the big screen, these turtles were the first comic/cartoon/movie guys I'd seen that got to say "DAMN" since Ultra Magnus on the 1st cartoon TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE. That in itself made some moms reluctant to let their sons go see it, but having a dad that "spun webs of profanity that may still be lingering in some kind of giant web over the greater metropolitan area of Charlotte, North Carolina", this seemed like a harmless attribute.
Reporter April O'Neil starts telling tales of a gang of baddies stealing all the tv's and radio's and other good stuff from 1990 NYC. The leader of the gang of young runaway boys is a mean dude named Shredder. He decides to shut her up for good. But a turtle with a red bandana on his eyes rescues her to recover his weapon he lost the night before saving her. He takes her back to his "lair" where all his buds, the teenage mutant ninja turtles live. They are ruled by a giant rat named Splinter. The rat found them in the sewer where some nuclear waste was falling on their heads and it got on him too. So then they grew into funny looking puppets, and learned to dance, and eat pizza and jinjitsu. They are followed by a gang member. So the turtles take April back to her house, but when they get back home, Splinter has been kidnapped. They also meet this dude who beats people up with sporting goods named Casey Jones.
So the son of April boss is one of the bad guy teens, but he feels remorse and actually sees one of the turtles. When he runs away again, he meets Splinter in the bad guy hideout which looked cool as hell really. If I was a teen, I would've hung there. They had an arcade version of NARC and a bunch of other classic video games, and a skatepark that had a weird loop that went around through the whole place. There are tons of those now, but not back in 1990. Anyway, Splinter tells him that when he was a little rat, he sliced up Oroku Saki's face and that's why he became the Shredder. He also says Shredder killed his master. Meanwhile, the turtles get ambushed and the building is caught on fire so they escape to a farm that April's family must have owned upstate, and Raphael is in a coma for a while.
Ok, so April wants to bang Casey Jones (can you blame him for doing it?) Raphael snaps out of it. April gets fired. The turtles trip in the woods and see a vision of Splinter. They head back to town to whoop Shredder's ass. They fight the foot clan throughout their lair, then all the way through town til they find Shredder. Then they can't seem to win even though they are giving it their all. Then Splinter shows up, talks shit to Shredder and Shredder gets pissed and runs at him. Splinter grabs some nunchuks and makes Shredder fall off and hang by a thread, and then fall into a trash compactor. Then the turtles dance some more. Should you see this? Fuck yes, if you haven't EVER seen it, then go find a copy. You probably can find one for 50 cents in a thrift shop. There are more copies of this on vhs than copies of Star Trek the movie, and if you're an avid thrift shopper you know that's about the most findable movie of all time. TWO FUNNY THINGS: Corey Feldman did the voice of Donatello- which is awesome cuz of his line in THE 'BURBS ("Hey Pizza Dude!"), and Sam Rockwell makes a weird cameo as a young leader of the foot clan kids. Weird shit.