Sunday, January 23, 2011

Thursday, January 20, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Boy Who Could Fly (1986)

"You don't date retards, It's just not done..."- Geneva

"ain't no water in this water gun"
"oh yeah, well what's in it?"
"piss!"- Louis to Bully

Lemme go ahead and point out what a godawful teaser trailer this is. You can't even find the original trailer online. It just ain't happening. I searched. None of the fucking actors are even in this trailer! As a matter of fact, some other chick does one of Lucy Deakins lines! That's sacrilege in my opinion. Of course, I only had a crush on her since I was about 7. Remember The Great Outdoors? She played the "everyone comes here, and then leaves, I'm too tuff" girl at the mountain camp resort. Anyway... Also you have a young Fred Savage, McLane's wife from Die Hard as the mom, Herman Munster as a drunk uncle, and Jay Underwood (Johnny Storm from Corman's Fantastic Four) as Eric Gibb, an autistic kid who thinks he can fly. Or maybe he knows it? Anyway, spoiler warning here: He only speaks like 6 words in the entire film! All he did was look at the ground and hold his hands up like an airplane, so no one knew how bad of an actor he really was. Lucky asshole. Got to smooch Deakins. Oh yeah, PLUS Natalie from the Facts of Life plays the nosy, know-it-all, eat your fries kind of neighbor friend. The trailer gives you no hint at what this is about, but whatever, all those people star in THE BOY WHO COULD FLY!!!

So, if you haven't seen this flick then you should probably check it out. Its the story of a family who's patriarch offs himself after he finds out he has cancer. Then they move to a new town and move in beside of this autistic boy. The kids have their first day of school and the mom is going back to work to make bread for the family. Milly the daughter and the lead pretty much runs the show at the house caring for her GI Joe obsessed little brother, and cooking meals for them because the mom is barely holding shit together.

Pretty soon Millie notices that everyone treats Eric Gibb differently cause he's autistic and doesn't really give a shit about anyone else or anything but flying apparently. She falls for him and it takes her the rest of the movie to figure out what to do about it. Can he really fly or is it all bullshit? Will the CPA come and take Eric away from the drunk uncle? Will Louis every be able to ride his big wheel around the block without the bullies fucking with him? Watch the movie and see. This is an incredibly long movie actually. The average flick clocking in at 98 minutes, this one soars in at a full 2 hours. Good for nostalgia though if its been years since a viewing. Had been YEARS since I saw this. Favorite scenes by far are the Fred Savage bully scenes. He's seen here in his pre-Wonder Years days. Probably what landed him the role truthfully. check it out.

Monday, January 17, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Hudson Hawk (1991)

"Yeah, you look great- you look like fuckin...Zorro."- Tommy Tutone

"You New York Italian, father-made-twenty-bucks-a-week son of a bitch."- Darwin Mayflower

"They had the worst ketchup when I was in prison."- Hudson Hawk

You can file this one in the "one of my favorites growing up" section as well. I may have went to the movies by myself to see this one. But as soon as it came out of VHS, I purchased my own copy. I remember specifically laying out of school feigning sickness to watch and rewatch this and PCU. I also remember reading how bad everyone thought this was. Die Hard 2 I think it was, maybe 1, but I'm thinking 2 had come out the year before maybe, and so this was billed as an action movie to pull in the same crowd, but most were disappointed because this was a straight up comedy caper. Action fans were pissed. Tri-Star were in dire straits, and ended up losing so much money on this that they had to merge with Columbia. But the fucked up thing is, it was a great flick. Don't believe the bullshit press. I mean, I'd probably praise it here anyway if I thought it was horrible, but there was something truly unique about this picture. Besides the amazing cast, it had these weird shots of 3 Stooges inspired slapstick, and really sort of poked fun at itself. If you're familiar with the movie, you can see why the fans were so perturbed at what they got just by watching the trailer. It hints that its funny with a few Willis one-liners, but i guess Die Hard fans weren't ready for full blown plot devices and running gags. Fuck them anyway. Here we have James Coburn (!), Richard Grant, Sandra Bernhardt, David Caruso, Andie Macdowell, Danny Aiello, and motherfuckin Bruce Willis in HUDSON HAWK!!!

So this is the story of Eddie "Hudson" Hawk, a very successful cat burglar. The flick starts out with a narrator explaining that Da Vinci made a device that could turn lead into gold. Then he hid the pieces of crystal that was the pinnacle of his machine in different pieces of his artwork all over the world. Fast forward to the 1990s, and ol Hudson Hawk is just getting out of SingSing on a 10 year bid. The very day he is getting out, his parole officer offers him a job stealing something. He says no. His old thief buddy Tommy Tutone (Aiello) picks him up and brings him the only thing he wants after getting out- a cappuccino. He slams on the brakes spilling it on Hawk. Then Tommy takes him to the bar they own together. While Hawk was in jail it turned all foo foo much to Hawk's distaste. He tries again to get a cappuccino and is again foiled (this begins a running gag throughout the film). The "Mario" Brothers (one of who is Frank {brother of Sly} Stallone) come to try and muscle and/or blackmail Hawk into doing the job previously spoken about. They represent someone who wants one of Da Vinci's pieces stolen from an auction house.

Hawk eventually caves and goes to steal the piece. Hawk and Tommy have a strange way of keeping time in that they quiz each other on the lengths of classic songs and then sing them so that they know when they are supposed to be out of there and the job is supposed to be over. Hawk then begins an adventure getting caught up stealing the Da Vinci pieces only to have them smashed in front of him to collect the puzzle pieces of the crystal. Along the way he has encounters with the CIA man who framed him and sent him to jail in the first place (Coburn) and his "MTV-IA" operatives Snickers, Kit-Kat, Almond Joy, and Butterfingers. They beat the shit out of Hawk on several occasions including knocking him out and flying him to Rome.

Hawk also encounters an art expert/vatican operative/nun (MacDowell) who ends up being his love interest. He first meets her at the auction house then again when trying to steal Da Vinci's codex. Then we meet the Mayflowers. "What can I tell you? I'm the villain." Darwin and Minerva are played wonderfully by Grant and Bernhardt. Sandra Bernhardt is such an awesome bitch!

There is a ton a action in the flick as well. The ambulance scene is one of my favorites. Hawk picks up a tray of needles and smashes them into one of the Mario brother's faces and he's screaming, Hawk rolls out the back on a gurney hauling ass down the highway, somehow lights a smoke... its pretty nuts. In the end you have lots of back and forth, lots of fights, lots of who's got the upper hand now?, lots of fake deaths, and real deaths, and loads of one-liners, some great, and some not so great. The end is pretty good, and I'd say over all, more awesome than bad. On netflix instant now. check it out if you never have. Essential viewing. Also, Andie MacDowell talking like a fucking dolphin. worth it.

Friday, January 14, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Swamp Thing (1982)

"Oh Shit... Here Comes Trouble!"- Jude

"Everything's a dream when you're alone."- Swamp Thing

"A man who loves, gives hostages to fortune."- Arcane

Alahoyus everyone! What an awesome flick. Not sure if any of you ever saw this, or its sequel with Heather Locklear, or even the television series in the 90s on USA channel. They all started here in 1982 with Adrienne Barbeau's cleavage. That's pretty much the star of the movie to tell it true. It definitely keeps you interested. You even see her bare breasts for a moment, but the cleavage is so much better in my opinion. I feel like the whole movie revolved around her chest. Or maybe that's just what I was paying attention to. Also, one of the coolest posters, and best trailer's I've ever seen... "monsters, and midgets!" Ray Wise, Louis Jourdan, Dick Durock, and Adrienne Barbeau's tits in Wes Craven's SWAMP THING!!!

Not sure if you are a Swamp Thing fan or not. I've read the first 5 graphic novels by Alan Moore. This adaptation however is based on Wein's original story of Swamp Thing. In Moore's version, Swamp Thing was just a monster, not a man. In this version, the original version, Swamp Thing is created deep in a swamp in Louisiana (really it was filmed entirely in Charleston, SC). The movie goes that there's this eccentric brother/sister duo of scientists living down there in this shack that has a secret laboratory underneath. Alec Holland, and his sister are working on making some shit that will someday hopefully grow plants in ungrowable places like deserts. They wanted to make an aggressively growing plant formula.

So in the beginning of the film, this chick is called in to be the new assistant or something. The old one doesn't like it in the swamps. So they fly in Cable (Barbeau). She notices a sensor out right away, but this dude in charge is like forget it. Then she meets the head dude Alec. He says lets go out and fix the sensor, and then he starts creeping on her right away. Who the hell could blame him really. No man in the world could take their eyes off her rack, except for maybe long enough to ponder how she gets her hair like that. She is like, 'save it asshole' thinking that his sis is his wife. He doesn't correct her. She later figures it out and feels stupid cause she digs him. Ok, so then these guerilla dudes infiltrate the headquarters and start killing everyone. Then they go in the lab and the main bad guy Arcane (Jourdan) reveals himself by pulling off a rubber mask. Awesome!!

Then Alec falls backwards into his mixture of glowstick goo after that kill his sister. It sets him on fire because that stuff is flammable obviously, and he runs off into the swamp. Then he transforms into Swamp Thing. Then he kicks a bunch of ass. There is a back and forth in the swamp between the bad guys and Swamp Thing, and he keeps rescuing Cable and her little friend Jude, and then going back into the swamp. After they burn the shack down, Arcane steals the notebooks and tries to make the formula himself.

However, he fucks it up and turns his best goon into a midget with piglike features. Then he figures out he didn't have the last notebook. Finds it, kidnaps Cable and Swamp Thing, and asks him what he did wrong. Then after Swamp Thing is like," it turns you into what you are the most", Arcane is like "well, fuck it, I'm a genius, I'm gonna turn into a super genius", and he drinks the glowstick juice, only he turned into some kind of cocoon. Then the cocoon bursts open and reveals a weird wolf-man with a long mohawk and tail, and like armour skin or something. Then he gets a sword, and even though the midget helps them escape, Swamp Thing ends up having to battle Wolf-Arcane in the swamp and somehow magically heals Cable after her boobs are slashed. He brings her back to life, kills Arcane-Wolf and then stalks off into the swamp telling Cable to tell their story and vowing to see her again. This is a totally awesome bad flick in all the best ways. Wes Craven, thumbs up buddy. See it now on netflix instant before its gone.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: No Escape (1994)

"Now, anyone who would like to disagree with me, would you please raise your right hand... If you've got one."- Marek

"I just got a shipment of disposable plastic razors in, 20 in a pack... they're pink but..... who gives a shit?"- Stephano

Alahoyus! Nothing at all stinkerish about this flick! A minor star studded futuristic sci fi island prison romp! Thats the best fucking one-sentence description yet. I remember watching this, hell, I don't know if it was a theater flick or like an HBO movie. I don't think they made it, but they definitely had a featurette that came on and got people psyched about it in the old days. And I remember then thinking it might not be that good. I was wrong. This flick is top notch. Ray Liotta, Ernie Hudson, Matt Dylan's brother and ol "Ed Harley" from Pumpkinhead star in NO ESCAPE!!!

This one starts out blazing and never really slows down. What can I say? It has furious action, its a sci fi, and its a deserted island story. Kind of like Rambo meets Robinson Crusoe meets Escape from Alcatraz. Reminds me of a few different stories you read growing up actually. It is based on a book called The Penal Colony by Richard Herley. While the credits are coming on, there are 3 soldiers standing next to them. They kind of look like statues. When the credits come to a close, you see them salute the soldiers walking by, just then, someone shoots the middle one in the head.

Fast forward to a ship taking prisoners to a futuristic prison. Apparently John Robbins (Liotta) has already escaped from 2 other prisons and is now being shipped to this last chance deal. Theres something about the prison system being big money for corporations. Doesn't seem necessary to the story really. Anyway, he quickly shows his lethal prowess here too, forcing the shitty warden to send him to the place they dump those no one wants to deal with anymore, an island no one knows about called Absolom. They are using tactics they aren't supposed to on the prisoners, but no one is supposed to find out about it.

Once on the island, Robbins has a run in with the "Outsiders" a group of about 600 savages who get weekly drops of supplies from the warden, but are barbaric in nature. They live on the part of the island that was an old retreat. He meets their leader Marek and Marek makes him fight another Outsider. Robbins kills him with one swoop, and then is asked to join them. Instead he embarrasses Marek in front of his own men, and splits. Soon he gets trapped on a cliff and falls like what seems forever (like from so high, that NO ONE could have survived, but he does) and is picked up by another group- The Insiders.

The Insiders are a more peaceful group who grow crops, and make liquor, and are trying to find a way of the island by secretly building a boat and a sub. They are led by Ed Harley from Pumpkinhead only he's called The Father. Also, the head of security is Ernie Hudson. But Ernie Hudson must not be that good at his job, b/c there's only a 100 of them, and the Outsiders raid them and burn their shit once a month. Bummer. Anyway, Robbins tells them he's gonna leave, and they're like, well, you can't. And he's like watch me. And then he sees that he is almost fucked, and that its almost impossible to split. Except for after a raid he sees a dropship, and gets an idea, and then later finds out about the boat. All they need is a distributor, and he knows where to get one.

So he gears up to go get the distributor and fight all the Outsiders cause no one else has ever even lived to get that far, and blah blah blah, and then Matt Dylan's brother comes out even though he was told not to, and gets killed, and then Robbins is caught, but a spy lets him out. Then the father gets lynphoma but he's like, if you escape, take this book to the people and tell the story of how they are mean to us. Then we get the story of why Robbins shot his captain and the big fight, and a bunch of doublecross type shit happens, but, let's not ruin the whole thing eh? So, yeah, I'd say pick this one up if you find a copy. Definitely worth is for sci fi, prison, action fans. Steers!

Friday, January 7, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review/theater: Band of the Hand (1986)

Alahoyus everyone! Here today I present to you our second installment of BAD/AWESOME FLIXXX THEATER! This movie is not available through netflix, but Crackle posted it, and I'm psyched to say that right here from the site, you can view the whole thing in its entirety for FREE!! Word up! okay. So... the deal with this one is it was supposed to be a pilot for a new show by Michael (Miami Vice) Mann. You'll notice some characters like Izzy and a few others popping up in support roles. The story is about 5 teenage kids who are arrested at the beginning of the movie. A cuban drug kid, a black guy and a puerto rican guy who were rival gang members, a weird white guy who escapes a lot, and a young kid who killed his dad. They can't survive in the current juvie prison system, so they are chosen for this native american guy's new program and taken deep into the everglades to shape up and pass his tests. When they do that, they are taken to Miami to see if they can clean up a corner run by a shitty drug pimp played by a young Lawrence Fishburne (that's 2 for him this week). He answers to a higher up bad guy drug lord who you'll notice as the cocky guy from the Warriors who gets locked up. sick. Plus it has a badass original song by Bob Dylan that is not on any of his albums. The whole soundtrack is good actually. Couldn't find the trailer online, but there was one because its on the DVD copy I have. oh well. Hope you dig this one! Lemme know in the comments what you think! And tell yer friends. Just enter your bday below and you'll be able to view it! thanx and enjoy BAND OF THE HAND!!!

Band of The Hand

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Cherry 2000 (1987)

"Well we can't all be glamour pusses 24 hours a day!"- E

"Ginger-- have the girls make us some sandwiches."- Lester

"Firin' one those up'll be like slammin' an octopus."- Lester

"Well, you can just go shit in yer hat."- Snappy Tom

Yelo so rillius so rilem! I have had no prior knowledge to this film! I owe it all to Netflix for showing me this beautiful masterpiece! If you dig em like I do, you love hot robot women, redheaded warrioresses, post apocalyptic wasteland tales, badass muscle cars, hilarious dialogue and ridiculous shoot em ups! This one has it all! Never released theatrically in the US, but straight to video a year after it was made, with cameos by Lawrence Fishburne, Harry Carey Jr. & Brion James (Bladerunner, 48 Hours), A 30 year old SMOKING HOT Melanie Griffith, and ol "Jack Deth" Tim Thomerson himself, I'm proud to have watched CHERRY 2000!!!

ok. So the deal here is this dude Sam Treadwell is like a yuppie dude with an amazing car and an amazing house from Anaheim. He comes home one day to dinner, and his hot wife Cherry wants to bang. So they start in the kitchen with the water from the sink spilling on the floor. A couple minutes into the smoochin, and some flashes spark and bang- turns out Cherry is a robot, and she's shorted out.

Sam takes her to get fixed but its a no go. He salvages her memory chip and heads to the edge of the cities to find a tracker to go way out into zone 7 to find him a replacement body for his "Cherry 2000". That's the model. Anyway, after bumbling around and almost getting his ass kicked, he hires smoking hot Edith "E" Johnson. She's got this badass 1965 Mustang lifted so it'll go offroad, and they run it ragged.

The whole time, they are persued by ol Jack Deth or Lester as he's called in the film. He's like the boss of the outlands, and he doesn't mind shooting chicks in the face if he has too. There's this ridiculous scene where they try to capture E and Sam, by lifting the Mustang with a huge magnet by crane, and then lift them into the air and start shooting rocket launchers at them. Its pretty awesome. E climbs out and gives back fire with her own rockets and machine guns. Then rigs it so they can't drop them. But they do lower them into the Hoover Dam. They fall down a huge water slide in the dam, and there is where we meet E's uncle 3 Finger Jake. He has a lot of toaster ovens in his cave.

Ok, so they keep trying to make it to the "Robot Graveyard", and run into Snappy Sam and Renda. Renda is a bitch, and she gets hers later. E fixes an unfixable plane, and fly to get another Cherry. They finally get her, but when trying to escape, the plane is too heavy with 3 of them. E jumps out, but Sam is like, man, "fuck this robot who only says a bunch of bullshit, I have Melanie Griffith in punkrock/MadMax mode, and she's still hot, what am I doing?" So he tells Cherry to get him a Pepsi (SERIOUSLY!!) and goes back for Edith.

This movie fucking rules. The characters are great, and I think everyone involved got screwed since it only went to theaters in Europe. This is a small cult classic, but couldve been much bigger. The dialogue alone impressed me. Its actually written pretty well. I expected a huge turd. Like I said, this one is still on Netflix Instant. Do yourself a favor and check it out before they take it off. Enjoy! and let me know in the comments if you are digging these reviews. Thanx

bad/awesome flixxx review: Scanners (1981)

Alahoyus all! There are certain flicks that would fit perfectly in here, but just haven't been reviewed, because I either haven't gotten around to rewatching them for a fresh perspective, or in the case of "Big Trouble" (probably my favorite movie of all time) haven't been put it because I'm waiting for the perfect spot. I've sprinkled classics in with unknown favorites, and horrible masterpieces. High up on my list of best movies of all time comes this unbelievable picture from David Cronenberg. I've always thought about telekinesis, from as early as I can remember. Maybe it was movies or tv shows such as this, or probably it came from years of reading comic books, but I've always been fascinated with telepaths. In this future Scifi/thriller flick, there are a little over 200 scanners in all of the world. And one man is out to destroy them all... or is he? A famous Canadian painter, Patrick McGoohan (warden in Eastwood's Escape from Alcatraz, The Prisoner #6 himself!, and King Edward I from Braveheart), and Michael Ironsides in SCANNERS!!!

This movie has it all. I don't want to ruin it by telling whats really going on, because anyone who reads this blog should definitely seek out a copy of this to own, or rent, or whatever. It has the highest recommendation from me. The basic plot is this: A bum freaks out and is hauled off to a government organization called Consec. At the same time a meeting is taking place about the phenomena of scanners, or telepaths who can control regular humans. One of the most famous scenes happens when a scanner holding the seminar has an audience member come forward to be scanned and is instead scanned himself so hard that his fucking head explodes.

The bum turns out to be an unknown scanner named Cameron Vale. The government has a list of all the scanners on Earth somehow. They have this drug they can give scanners to help them calm the voices in their heads. The agency wants to use Vale to infiltrate the coven of scanners headed by the most powerful one named Darrell Revok. Between the guy Dr. Ruth who invented the drug and helped Cameron, and the new head of security at Consec theres a bunch of backstabbing and people being used for others own ends. I can't really tell anymore without giving too much away. Its really set up and written very well. There are lots of psychic murders, psychic freakouts, car crashes, explosions, manhunts, and other shit that I seem to want out of every movie. The battle at the end is crazy and the outcome is not expected. Not too much more I can say. A bit of a complicated plot twist at the end, but it all works out. Double thumbs up. Belee dat.

Monday, January 3, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Fantastic Four (Roger Corman) (1994)

"What kind of a thing have I turned in to?"- Ben Grimm/The Thing

"Holy Freud, Batman. I think you're right."- Johnny Storm/Human Torch

Wow. I had always heard about this flick. I remember reading about it in Wizard magazine years ago. I remember when they pumped it like it was actually going to come out. A few months back, my ol buddy Raf dropped a copy into my hands. I did a little research and it turns out the film was never intended for release at all. The very same company and man that co-produced the Fantastic Four and its sequel in 1995 (Bernd Eichinger) and the company he worked for (Constantin Film) was about to lose the rights to produce the flick. They needed 40 million to make it. According to wikipedia, without the funding to make his project, they turned to veteran low budge indie producer Roger Corman to begin production on a film that would act as a franchise holder basically. The fucked up thing about that is, they never told the actors or anyone involved that they never planned on releasing it. The actors even went to Comic conventions signing autographs believing that this flick was actually coming out. Then they pulled the plug at the last minute shelving this one until they had enough bread (ten years later) to make a real "hollywood" flick. Heavy. So, A bunch of television actors, and THE BOY WHO COULD FLY as Johnny Storm!!! in Roger Corman's unreleased film, THE FANTASTIC FOUR!!!

I don't really consider this movie all that bad, considering the kind of movies I usually watch anyway. The story is already there, you already know the basic story if you are familiar at all with the comic, and I would assume those that would want to see a flick like this would be. However, the dialogue is horrible. That being said, Corman really only had a few weeks to put the script together, and then the filming only lasted a month in January of 93. That's not really that bad for the amount of time and the budget that they had. Actually is pretty goddamned amazing.

There were a few weird things though. The story is still the same deal. Reed Richards & Ben Grimm are in college with Victor. They don't tell us his last name, but everywhere says that his last name is Von Doom. I would have assumed that he adopted that after he became Dr. Doom. Otherwise, when he introduces himself as Doom to the Four, wouldn't they have realized who he was, instead of putting two and two together later in the movie? I'm not sure of the actual comic history here, just seemed strange to me. Ok, so there is this comet thing coming and everyone in town is going to see it. Nice cameo here by Commandant Lassard (from Police Academy) as the Professor! Reed and Ben stop by this house to see a little girl Sue and even littler boy Johhny. I don't really know why they went there. I guess just to introduce the characters.

Victor and Reed have a plan to harness the power of the comet, but Victor doesnt listen to Reed, and the thing starts to malfunction spraying lightning all over the room and burning Victor's face off. Ben knocks him out of the way hoping to save his life. Two weird henchmen take him away posing as doctors. No one ever explains why or where they came from, and how he ended up ruling over them later.

Ten years later, Reed and Ben are going to fly away to space with this super diamond. They need a crew, so instead of getting real astronauts, they inexplicably go get Sue and Johnny, their old friends. Somehow this is all cool with NASA or whoever is in charge. Doom makes his first appearance & sends his henchmen to steal the diamond, but he's too late and a sneaky little midget who at first I think is the Mole Man, steals the diamond first. Doom is like, fuck it. The Midget is the Jeweler. Whoever that is. Before they split to space, Ben knocks this blind chick Alicia Masterson over, and messes up her statue. She touches his face and falls in love. Immediately she begins sculpting a replica of his face. Creepy.

So they go to space and the fake diamond malfunctions and they crash and are ok. But they realize they have powers. Then they are kidnapped by Doom. They escape and then The thing is pissed cause he's a hideous monster, and the Jeweler kidnaps Alicia to be his queen. Doom is building a laser to blow up NYC. Although, instead of shooting the laser at NYC, he is shooting it into space, so that doesn't really make sense. Unless is was going to get reflected off of a satellite or something. Maybe they didn't have time to tell us that part. Or write it. Or consider it. But nonetheless, he goes to the Jeweler and gets the diamond so he can use the laser. The 4 reunite to fight him, and even though they JUST BARELY DECIDED TO BECOME THE FANTASTIC FOUR, somehow, the Baxter Building (their headquarters) ALREADY has a huge 4 symbol on top of the building. Then they fight the doomtroops, then Reed goes after Doom, ultimately letting him fall to his demise (supposedly). Johnny becomes the Human Torch (it looks like first generation CGI or maybe even just regular animation) and saves NYC. I guess the Jeweler got away. Next, with NO EXPLANATION WHATSOEVER we cut to a scene of Reed and Sue getting married. End movie. The special effects are ridiculous. Especially the parts with Reed's arms and legs stretching. The fact that Reed knew Sue when she was a super young little girl is kind of creepy too. If he was only 10 years her senior, that's one thing, but it seemed a bigger gap in their age in the beginning. All in all, its not that bad, for a totally thrown together movie with no budget at all that was filmed in a month. But it is bad. Perfect actually.

***UPDATE!!!*** after being goaded into going back to watch a specific scene (and it looks like someone caught it in the comments too) during my first watch, I failed to notice another, maybe THE MOST ridiculous moment in the movie. There's a POV shot when the morlocks are kidnapping Alicia for the Jeweler. Normally this wouldn't be weird at all, except that Alicia Masters was fucking blind!! HA! wow! incredible. Hope you all enjoyed this. From the many suggestions, Ill probably be reviewing the 1990 CAPTAIN AMERICA soon, if I can come across a copy. Thanx for the feedback yall!!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Children of the Corn (1984)

"Make sacrifice unto Him! Bring Him the blood of the outlanders! "- Malachai

"And He Who Walks Behind The Rows did say, "I will send outlanders amongst you: a man and a woman. These outlanders will be unbelievers and profaners of the holy. But they will sorely test you, for they have great power, even greater than that of the Blue Man!"- Isaac

"Don't ever show up in my emergency room, buddy!- Burt

Alahoyus all. One of the creepiest flicks I remember watching when I was young, this one has it all right from the go. Blood splatters across a young boy's face as another instructs the children of the city to murder all the adults in town. And whose blood was it that adorned the kids face along with the remnants of milkshake on his little nose? Why his own father's of course. They murdered them all right after everyone got out of church. I've always distrusted religious people since watching this flick. Crazies are ten times scarier than monsters any day of the week in my book. Linda Hamilton, the creepy son from across the street in the Burb's, and a cast of shady looking youngsters in CHILDREN OF THE CORN!!

I had this jam on VHS growing up and recently rewatched it. It was never as insane as I imagine it couldve been, but nevertheless it was pretty fucked up flick for its time. The basic story is told by Job, whose parents are killed in the initial strike by the kids. Apparently 3 years prior, in the town of Gatlin, where everyone makes their bread from corn, the crops all failed. So everyone got really religious and started praying so that the harvest would be good next time around. So outta no where, this weird 9 year old kid preacher shows up and gets all the kids to come out to the cornfield with him and worship.

Once there, he hatches a plan to kill all of the adults in the whole town, except for this one dude who runs a gas station on the outskirts of town. So after church one day, they did it. Hacked them up, poisoned them, whatever. Killed em all and sacrificed them to this demon that lived in the cornfields called "He Who Walks Behind the Rows". Personally, if you told me there was a fucking demon that lived in the cornfields, there's no way you could get me to go out there and fucking pray. I might hide in town, and pray that the motherfucker stayed in the cornfields. Then basically, anyone who came through there for the next 3 years were sacrificed to the demon. The only 2 kids not in on the shit were Job, & his sister who were sick. She's also got the "sight" which is like the Shining i think. She sees visions that come true, and draws them with her crayons.

So, then one kid is like, this is bullshit, and he's trying to escape, but he who walks behind the rows says no way. This dude Burt and his wife Linda Hamilton are moving to Seattle so Burt can be a doctor. On the way they pass close to Gatlin and while looking at a map, plow into the kid who'd been set up in the middle of the road. They are like, Oh SHIT, and then they need to tell someone, instead of just leaving like anyone else probably wouldve done. They get all scooby doo trying to solve a mystery and then almost get killed themselves.

At some point Malachai is fed up with Isaac's fucking bullshit. So he puts Isaac up on the cross and kills him. Then Isaac comes back from the dead and kills Malachai. Burt figures out the blue man (who was just a cop) was trying to burn the crops, so he makes a molotov cocktail from the gasohol they have after trapping most of the kids in a barn. Somewhere in there they rescue Linda from off the cross, and then they blow the whole fucking farm up narrowly escaping He who walks behind the rows. Then this one chick is hiding in the car and tries to kill em, but Burt knocks her out. Then they walk 19 miles to the next town. I haven't seen any of the sequels, but they must be worthy a little bit, because they've made SIX of them! I'm not sure what happens next. I at least wanna watch the second one. So we'll see. I say watch it. The beginning is pretty rad, but the end isn't as sick as you want it to be.