Monday, November 29, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Lolita (1962)

Double shot today. I watched this a week and a half ago, and didn't get a chance to put it up, but now you get double the waste of time for the day! A total creepster classic with an amazing cast. I feel like I saw almost every movie Stanley Kubrick made growing up except for this one. I totally blew it. Sometimes the Melvins play movies before they go on, and I've seen them play Lawrence of Arabia before their show. When we were on tour with Mastodon this spring, Brann was talking about them playing this when he saw them last, and we ended up watching some of it in North Dakota before the show. I heard one line that made me have to go buy a copy and watch it:

"here you go dear, its "loaded" with mayonnaise just the way you like it."

I fell on the floor hearing this description of the sandwich Humbert Humbert had prepared for Lo. Adapted from Vladimir Nabokov's novel, I am very psyched to bring you Shelley Winters, James Mason, an incredible Peter Sellers, and an unknown Sue Lyon in one of Kubrick's best: LOLITA!

The film starts off with an old dude busting in on a mansion with a pistol in his hand yelling out a name. The dude he's looking for uncovers himself from a sheet on a chair and is still drunk from the apparently wild party from the night before. The drunk guy is Clare Quilty (Sellers) and the shooter is Humbert Humbert (Mason). "Are you Quilty?" "No, I'm... Spartacus. You come to free the slaves or sumpn?" Quilty tries to get Humbert to play table tennis with him unsuccessfully until he realizes Humbert is gonna shoot him. He then starts playing Chopin and suggesting they write a play together. Then Humbert shoots him.

Then we flash back 4 years, and ol Humbert is gonna spend the summer before he starts teaching in Ohio in New Hampshire. He's looking for rooms to rent and he meets Charlotte Haze (Winters), and she's flirting it up with him and she's like a sexually frustrated widower. He's putting her off, until they check out the garden out back. He takes one look at her daughter and is like, "how much?" Creep city.

So this old geezer falls in love with Lolita, and the mom is still trying to swoon him. She gets pissed and is gonna send Lolita off to camp, and the day she does, Charlotte leaves a letter for Humbert saying if he doesn't want to hang and marry her, he's gotta split. And he's reading it and laughing his ass off, but for some reason THAT I CANNOT FATHOM, he fucking actually marries her!!! The only reason I can see that he did it is so that he can be closer to Lo. The creep keeps a secret diary of his lust. Then one day, Hum is getting fed up with Charlotte's shit. She's fucking crying and whining, and he actually thinks about shooting her and killing her.

But he can't do it. But then she finds his diary, and freaks out. He goes to make some drinks, and then all of a sudden, she runs out in a rain storm and gets hit by a fucking car! LUCKIEST SONOFABITCH EVER!!! He personally goes to the camp and pulls Lo out, and says something has happened but doesn't tell her she's dead. Now Lo just so happens to be a totally dirty lil scoundrel herself and decides to flirt and eventually bang ol Humbert at a hotel he takes her to.

So, while they're at the hotel, an old friend of Charlotte's this movie star dude Quilty notices Lo, and goes on a plot to steal her away from stupid ol Humbert. He's smart and he basically hounds him and dogs him right and left and eventually steals Lo away and drives Humbert insane. The flick is rad. A creepy quality that lacks in modern films. I haven't seen the remake but I heard it was a bit dirtier. They couldn't make this one super dirty because of censorship at the time. Im gonna go ahead and highly recommend this one, especially if you're a dirty ol creep.

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bad/awesome flixxx review: Star Slammer (1987)

What can I say? I like space flicks, and I like chick prison flicks. If you gimme a space chick prison flick, I'm gonna watch it, no matter how godawful it is. There's gotta be some story with this flick that I can't find. The full name of it is THE ADVENTURES OF TAURA: PRISON SHIP- STAR SLAMMER. But it's advertised as about 10 different names, as you can see from the poster above. Star Slammer: The Escape? Whatever, its still one of a line of about 45 or 50 super shitty/killer movies by a man named Fred Olen Ray. I can't even find a trailer for it, so you know its low budget. That means it was probably direct to video, but that doesn't mean anything really, it can just mean they are harder to find. Anyway, instead of a trailer, I posted a few quick scenes so you get the picture of what we're dealing with here. So, without further ramblings, I proudly present a bunch of strippers from the 80s "starring" in: STAR SLAMMER!

Basically, the flick begins with Taura hanging out with some little dudes who kind of look like the goblins from Troll 2 way out in the desert on some planet. Then this old wizard comes by and is sad because he can't afford his space taxes. Then this tax collector Bantor shows up with a pink haired toadie, and a bald down the middle cyborg guy who has long flowing platinum hair otherwise. Sort of like an advanced golden eagle quaff. They say they're there to take the goblins crystals, and then the wizard tries to stop them. They vaporize his ass, and then Taura kills a few of them with a claw hammer, cutting off Bantor's hand, but they eventually catch her. Then she's tried by the Space Council and thrown on this Spaceship Jail called the Vehemence.

Then she meets her Lesbian warden and gets smacked around by the hot (?) prison chicks. Then the boss of the cell block comes by. She's a cyclops named Muffin! Ha! After that, you (surprisingly) see the only set of boobs in the movie. Well, you see them twice because she feels the need to change shirts twice, but with all the t&a, cleavage, and bouncing around on the set, I have to say, I expected more.

So, after that, you get a lot of catfights, some pg space sex, food fights, a cool mute midget, a giant monster, some rats trying to eat faces, and Bantor gets assigned to the ship to take care of business. He's got a cyborg hand now, and he's pissed at Taura.

Then, after the prisoners make peace with each other, they plan to bust out. They cut off Muffin's hand and then stab her to death, and then with the help of this Asian scientist chick (who goes from scientist outfit to unitard in half a scene) they start fighting their way through the ship to Bantor's escape pods.

Finally they get away, but, Bantor gives chase in a space pod, and there's a space shoot em up. Also they hid the rat in Bantor's pod, and it jumps out and bites his face (one of my favorite parts). At the end, they show a shot of Taura running around, and much like Buckaroo Banzai, promise a sequel that was never made. Should you see this? Well, If there is nothing else at all to watch. Yes. Its okay. But there's lots better. Word.

Friday, November 26, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: ThanksKilling (2009)

my buddy Mike Scibetta hit me up last week and told me there was a Thanksgiving movie I had to see. We have always talked about hilarious and stupid wonderful flicks to get stoned to tha bone to for years, like Leprechan in the Hood and the Stoned Age, so I knew I should take his advice and check this out. Luckily it was on Netflix and Hulu so I made it happen last night. A cast of nobodys in a seriously low budge flick that was right up my alley, I highly recommend: THANKSKILLING!!

This movie is so bad, that it pretty much needs to be seen to be believed... HOWEVER... that is what I like so much about it. It looks really low budge, looks like it was made that way on purpose, and it camped up so hard that it actually is a bit more intelligent than it lets on. The opening scene had me hooked so that I had to watch the whole thing. but I don't wanna spoil it for anyone, so here's a spoiler warning:

It starts out with a titty onscreen and backs out slowly to reveal- yes, a set of boobs. And then it keeps backing out til you see a Pilgrim lady with her shirt undone leaning and panting up against a tree, looking behind her, resting for a moment until, bang, she's off running again. Then all of a sudden you see a close up of a turkey's face. He says, "Nice tits, Bitch!" and then raises a tomahawk/axe and then- Blood across the screen- opening credits: THANKSKILLING!

The premise of the rest of the movie is about a group of college students: a slut, a slob, a nerd, a jock, and a good girl who are on Thanksgiving break somewhere in the sticks of Ohio. A hermit's dog, "Flashy" accidentally pisses on a small totem pole sticking out of an Indian burial ground. The turkey comes out of the ground magically and slaughters Flashy.

The jocks jeep breaks down and the kids must camp for the night. The nerd tells them a story of the killer turkey that comes to life every 505 years in Crawtown. Then the turkey finds them and chases them relentlessly until he gets what he wants. Revenge. If you like horrible flicks, it gets no worse, or no better. We're talking- shit in coffee, a turkey getting a nut, a cop's face shaved off and used a disguise (BY A TURKEY), a montage of reading, the same joke told twice about Jon Benet Ramsey, pilgrim lady's boobs, and lots of death. You really can't go wrong with this one. I just hope they plan to make a sequel. Watch this now while you still have leftovers!!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Gleaming the Cube (1989)

Alahoyus broskeetos. This was a favorite growing up. Sure there's some totally unbelievable stunts and a couple "why the fuck did he/she do that" moments... but this one holds up pretty well. With a shitload of famous old school skaters in the mix, like Tony Hawk, Tommy Guerrero, Rodney Mullen, Gator, Mike McGill, Mike Vallely, Natas and others, they make Christian Slater look pretty good his board. And even now when you're older and the belief is not as suspended as it once was, its still pretty funny to see those dudes ripping it up with that fucking funny ass wig on. I'm proud to wax philosophically about: GLEAMING THE CUBE!

The movie starts off with a 16 year old dude named Brian Kelly (Slater) skating with members of the Bones Brigade onto the tarmac of John Wayne Airport which was way smaller back then. They get a young pilot to fly them over Orange County to look for empty pools to skate in. They find one, and then start skating it til one of them eats shit. Then the cops come and take Brian home. Apparently not the first time, and we get the picture that Brian is somewhat of a trouble maker.

At home Brian is sort of the opposite of his adopted Vietnamese brother Vinh. Vinh is perfect and has a hot Vietnamese chick, and a good job. The only thing is, he finds out some shit about the weight of packages sent out by his employer, who is his chick's dad. Col. Trac is helping this dude Mr. Londale ship weapons to the Rebels in Vietnam so they can fight the Communists or something like that. Anyway, its illegal, and he tries to make Vinh feel like he's wrong. Vinh is bummed, and goes to investigate. They bust him, take him to a hotel, and then one of the "storm" dudes from Big Trouble in Little China who works for the Col, accidentally chokes and kills Vinh. They freak out and make it look like he hangs himself.

Fast forward, and Brian isn't buying any of their bullshit. He finds a paper that Vinh left, and goes to figure out this shit on his own. While looking around, Raiden the "storm" dude sees the list, and follows him, loses him, freaks out, calls the Col. and Mr. Londale demanding flight back to Nam. Brian hides in his car and the Raiden dude drives out to an orchard. Then he pulls a gun and says he's not fucking around. Then a fight ensues, and Raiden gets shot and they are even deeper in shit. Brian escapes and runs to tell the cops.

I'm not gonna give away the end here, but here's a few things: I was wondering if Tony Hawk still has that badass Pizza Hut truck? Does anyone know that? Can anyone ask Tony Hawk that for me? Tony do you have that Pizza Hut truck? and can I borrow it while I'm in Cali next month?

Also... When Brian is trying to find out shit about Col. Trac, why does he hit on Vinh's ex girlfriend? Why doesn't he just be straight up with her? Seems kind of sleazy, and really a fucking longshot in real life that she'd actually want to go out with him after she just lost her boyfriend i.e. his BROTHER!?! Nahm sayn?? But she just jumped right in. I was blown away. High school girls are sluts. Find this and watch it with your bros. Eat Doritos, and Pizza Hut.

Friday, November 19, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Flight of the Navigator (1986)

Damn right! This was one of my favorite flicks growing up... (on Venus). What happened to Disney? They made a lot of movies in the old days that weren't afraid to have a bit of language in them... A "shit" here, a "damn" there, everything but the "f" word really. And it wasn't used frequently, but with proper timing for comedic effect or to nail home a point. That's what off-color language and colloquial terms were made for! Now its just a bunch of prancing fucking preteens that they're preening to be the next big pop star. Hey, if they don't do it, then American karaoke Idol will... All that shit makes me wanna puke. Too bad Tonya Harding has a gig over on Tru TV, she could jump out of the stands and pull a move on Bristol and any of those other Dancing w/ the "stars". Anyway, I digress. At one time, someone over at Disney worked to make badass creepy movies like Watcher in the Woods, Escape from Witch Mountain, and um... the Apple Dumpling Gang. And somewhere along the lines, they popped out this gem. Johnny Fever himself- Howard Hesseman, Sarah Jessica Parker, and the voice of "Pee-Wee" Paul Reubens in FLIGHT OF THE NAVIGATOR!

After watching this movie, whenever I played in the woods growing up, I would always wish that when I came out of the woods, somehow, years would have gone and crazy shit would happen. Such is the story of David Freeman. Picture this: Its the 4th of July 1978. His stupid dog lost the frisbee championships, and his little brother is such a jerk. David is 12, and his brother Jeff is 8. His parents drop his brother off at a birthday party. Later in the day, his mom tells him to walk through the woods and make sure his brother gets home safe. He goes in, and his brother scares the shit out of him. When he goes to head home, his dog is barking in the other direction. He goes to see whats up, looks down in a ravine and falls in, passing out. When he awakes, he walks home, knocks on the door thinking his brother has locked him out. But when an old lady answers the door, he bursts in and tries to figure out why everything is changed and why his house doesn't have his stuff or his family in it anymore.

the people call the police, and David learns that he's been missing for 8 years! His family has moved a few miles away, and when he gets there, his folks look old, and his little brother in now 16, but David hasn't aged a day at all. He's freaking out, and they take him to a hospital. While all this is happening, a spaceship is found, and taken to NASA. Turns out all the maps and shit are in David's head. NASA gets him to come over, and they extract maps of Phalon from his gordon. But the ship is calling to David. A young Sarah Jessica Parker shows him a robot named RALF, and he escapes to the ship in it. Once inside the hangar, the ship opens up for him and his adventure really begins. It had been over 20 years since I saw this, and it still made me smile when it was through. If you're looking for a semi-creepy sci fi flick from the past, I totally recommend this one for pure nostalgia. word.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Concrete Cowboys (or Ramblin' Man) (1979)

I'm pretty sure that 99% of you will have never seen or even heard of this one. Partially because its not even really a movie. It was a TV movie/pilot, that was supposed to begin a series for Tom Selleck and Jerry Reed. However it was pretty bad, and Selleck moved on and was picked up for a detective series of his own. A little show called Magnum P.I. Anyway, they did eventually make 8 episodes with Selleck being replaced by some other dude. And it kinda looks like they based the show Simon & Simon on this a few years later. Oh well, also, it was called a few different things, originally: Concrete Cowboys, but for the copy I have it was called RAMBLIN' MAN. (Which is stupid, cause there were two of them... Shouldve been Ramblin Men).

I thought right away, this is gonna be awesome, because it had TOM SELLECK, JERRY REED, MORGAN FAIRCHILD, Roy Acuff, Barbara Mandrell, & Ray Stevens. I thought it was gonna be like Smokey & the Bandit or Cannonball Run or some shit. I thought it might even be as good as Roadie with the star power and the musicians and whatnot. Man, I was mistaken. The only one who plays is Ray Stevens, and he's not really that good anyway. The story is about Selleck and Reed as 2 cowboys who are on their way to Hollywood, they get in trouble, hop a train and end up in Nashville. They start staying at some dudes pad, and are mistaken for detectives by some chick who comes by. Then they're asked by her to help find her sister. Then they eventually do. Reed is always making mistakes Dukes of Hazzard style, and Selleck is the encyclopedia reading, good listener who is slow to act, but usually makes the right choices. I could tell right away it was some kind of TV pilot instead of a movie, because there was no cursing and the quality was bad... i mean damn bad. They couldn't even afford to use real cop cars, so they dressed up a bronco and a station wagon to look like them. This was a stinker, and naturally there was no real trailer cause it wasn't a movie. But I hope you enjoy the title sequence with an original number by ol Jerry Reed himself.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Second Sight (1989)

"None of dat nun! None of dat nun!"- Murray

"As you can see, we're very weird."- Wills

Wow. I actually saw this way back when. I didn't pay attention to mainstream reviews (still don't really.) But I had no idea how much everyone said this movie sucked. They were right of course. But, not really any more than a lot of the movies that came out around the same time. It tried for something unique. It had a few good leading television comedy men, but I think maybe it lacked good direction. And possibly storyline. Ok, it sucked, but if you could get past the FUCKING TERRIBLE version of "Do you believe in magic?" that the movie opens with, you may be able to sit through it. There's also another god awful song in one of the car chases: Aretha Franklin's "freeway of love". I hate both of those songs so much, I'm pretty sure that's the reason the flick did so bad. Solely on the reason that no one could make it through the beginning credits. Bronson Pinchot, and John Larroquette in: SECOND SIGHT.

I always liked John Larroquette. I was a fan of Night Court, and he basically plays the same character here, except instead of a sleazy womanizing lawyer, he's a sleazy womanizing detective. I never watched Perfect Strangers, so my only interaction with Bronson Pinchot was in the Beverly Hills Cop series. But he even does a pretty good job here. The basic plot is Larroquette plays Wills, a detective who's partnered up with a young man named Bobby Mcgee who got struck by lightning and became a psychic and his new age handler Preston (Stewart Pankin). Bobby helps solve crimes by contacting a dead guy named Murray. When he gets out of control they feed him Goobers to calm his psychic seizures.

So, the boys barely being able to sustain a living because they usually "goof" up (and Bobby eats a lot), but they go ahead a take a low profile hit and run case. Bobby falls for the girl and Wills falls for her "handler" who is a nun. They don't even explain why the girl is with the nun really. Anyway, they get the car back, but the next day the Cardinal is kidnapped. Wills suspects the Bishop, and questions him, but they never even go back to decide whether he hired the goons in the first place. Bad script holes. Anyway,

Bobby figures out that its the same goons who kidnapped the Cardinal and he takes control of a plane and drives it through a tunnel in Boston. Oh yeah, the ghost Murray was killed by the nun, going out to get her ice cream. And he gets pissed at Wills for being after her. Hilarity ensues. Also, there's a happy ending. Fuck it, just skip this one. Trust me. (but for 50 cent on vhs, deal.)

Monday, November 15, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Roadie (1980)

"Time is evaporatin', Roadie"- Mohammad Johnson

"The muscians make it rock but the roadies make it roll!" - Lola

"Everything works if you let it"- Travis W. Redfish

"Od-a mightydamn- it's a catfight!"- Ramblin Jack Elliot

I happened across this flick out on tour last month at the very reasonable price of ONE DOLLAR! Brand new too. I had never heard of this one but the cover had everything I needed to decide I had to watch it: appearances by Hank Williams Jr., Blondie, Roy Orbison, Alice Cooper, and more, starring Meatloaf and Art Carney, AND the fat dude with the mustache from the Ernest movies that did his eyes back and forth?!? Done Deal. Bring it on.

I didn't know if this was going to be pure shit or totally awesome when I got it, but I'm so psyched on this that I've already watched it twice. Immediately I wonder why no one ever talks about this flick. There are a lot of rocknroll and country stars in it, and it seems like it holds the same kind of place that the Blues Brothers would in the annals of rock movie history. Anyway... It starts outside of Austin, Texas with one BB Muldoon driving a Shiner Beer truck onto a ranch to pick up his buddy Travis W. Redfish. Art Carney stars as Corpus Redfish, Travis's father, and we are introduced his sister Alice Poo there as well.

Quickly the flick gets underway as Travis begins his day much like every other day, driving around and delivering Shiner Beer throughout South Texas. But just as they begin "chair dancin" they come upon an RV that seems to be broken down. They are about to pass by, when Travis lays eyes on the "only woman he's ever respected as a person ever". And so the adventure begins.

Manager Ace and crew have broken down on the side of the road with Hank Williams Jr's gear in tow. Travis quickly fixes the situation, and Lola Boulabaisse is a "groupie" along for the ride in hopes of making her way to NYC to meet Alice Cooper and make it with him (for her first time). Lola convinces Travis to come along for the ride and drive them to Austin. Upon arriving in Austin they meet up with Mohammad Johnson (Don Cornelius, long time host of Soul Train) the promoter of the Traveling Rocknroll Circus. Fans are jumping on the RV demanding that they hurry up so Hank Jr can play. Very quickly again Lola uses her feminine wiles to convince Travis to hang out and help roadie the gear in so the show can go on. He does, and they do. Then Travis gets in a fight and goes into "brainlock". They get him to drive them to the airport with a full on Blues Brothers style cop chase scene and drive straight into a plane headed for LA.

After that Travis and Lola have many adventures around the country where Travis seems to always come up with the solution to any problem that comes to him. There are a ton of cameo appearances by bands and characters. There's a lot of live perfomances too including Blondie covering Johnny Cash, Hank Williams Jr performing with Roy Orbison, Alice Cooper, Asleep at the Wheel. Theres a whole band of midgets called Snow White!! Anyway, I recommend this one, seems like you can find it cheap and its totally worth it for the jams and laughs alone. The soundtrack is tight too with songs written just for the movie by Cheap Trick and the Joe Ely band. Get it. Watch it. Love it.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai (1984)

"hey, hey, hey, hey-now. Don't be mean; we don't have to be mean, cuz, remember, no matter where you go, there you are."- Buckaroo

"Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife. Doomed is your soul and damned is your life"- Whorphin

"Will somebody turn off that gosh darn klaxon?"- Whorphin

absolutely one of the weirdest/ most convoluted movies I ever saw. I don't think I ever finished this movie when I was younger. I have memories of certain scenes, but maybe it was a little too hard for me to comprehend at an early age. When recently watching this again, I finally took in all the small pieces and figured out what this was about. Not that it takes a genius to figure this one out, but there are several things going on at the same time and I'm not sure that they do the best job of explaining everything in the movie. But watching it now nearly 20 years later, I get the gist of it, let's see if I can recap it to you sufficiently. So many great players in this wild, made up comic book/sci fi roller coaster including Christopher Lloyd, Peter Weller, John Lithgow, Ellen Barkin, Jeff Goldblum, & even Vincent Schiavelli star in: THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8TH DIMENSION!!

"Robocop" himself Peter Weller stars as Buckaroo Banzai in this campy "serial" style send-up. Buckaroo is a genius, neurosurgeon, physicist, rocknroll and comic book star who leads his band the Hong Kong Cavaliers (who also happen to be geniuses and scientists and assassins) on adventures around the globe. This particular adventure pits him against John Lithgow (the mad scientist Lizardo possessed by alien Whorphin) and some of his henchmen who happen to be Red Lectroids from the planet 10 (in the 8th dimension). When the film starts out, Buckaroo is busy as hell, in an operating room, then he's off, straight to the desert to test run his "rocket car" that will only run with his newly developed "interstellar overthruster". He takes off in it passing Mach 1, and then breaks some speed barrier and goes "inside" of a mountain. Then he bursts out only to discover that some creature came out with him, leading him to believe that other creatures exist in other dimensions & they cannot be discovered by normal means. then he splits out to play a rock concert.

At the concert, he stops the show b/c he sees this chick who looks like his dead wife, and it turns out to be her long lost twin sister. He stops her from killing herself, and she comes along for the rest of the flick, whining & wondering the whole way. Then you get some back story on Lizardo. Apparently back in the 30s, he tried to create an overthruster but it didnt fully work, and whilst stuck halfway in another dimension was taken over by Whorphin. Buckaroo gets a phone call at his press conference and these Black Lectoids shock him through the telephone and enable him to see the aliens. Whorphins henchmen attack everyone at the press conference kidnapping professor Ito and grabbing the overthruster. They drive off in a truck that says Yoyodyne Propulsion. From that, The Hong Kong Cavaliers including Perfect Tommy, Jeff Goldblum as a cowboy scientist named New Jersey, and other dudes named Reno Nevada, etc, hack into Yoyodynes computer and figure out that everyone working there was born on the same day, and in the same place, connecting them to the Orson Welles "War of the Worlds" radio broadcast "farce". They figure out that aliens did land, and the "farce" was a coverup. Then they receive a package from a Rastafarian dude who happens to be a Black Lectroid (or goodguy). That's how they piece everything together.

The Black Lectroid has a Star Wars style hologram message that they can watch only by putting the plastic packing stuff with bubbles on their faces and she tells them that if they don't stop the Red Lectroids, she'll blow up something and make Russia think that the US did it, and basically fuel the Cold War into a reality.

Then basically the shit goes down, and there's a watermelon, but nobodys says why, except for they'll tell you later... but they don't. And I'm not gonna tell you the end, you should just watch it. I will say that it says at the end that you should stay tuned for a sequel, but they never made it. They should have. At first I didn't think I was gonna like this, but it turned out to be pretty great. Check it out.

Friday, November 12, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Troll 2 (1990)

"you can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!"- Dad

"christ! your sister Hollie's with that playboy son of the Cooper's."- Dad

"as for you old man, go back to your kingdom of shadows!" - preacher

Alahoyus! It's been a long time. Someone stole my computer a few months back while we were rocking in DC, so I haven't been able to post any reviews for a while. But I bought a shitload of flicks to watch and review while I was out there, and watched quite a few, so i'll be knocking a few out here in the next few days. But I am glad to be back and I've got tons of heinous stinky terrible yet amazing flicks to show you. I'll start off with this little gem that has been suggested to me for a while now. It's been called the "Best Worst" Movie, and there's even a documentary about it called that now- created by the boy who was the star (?) of the flick. I'm not sure it is THE worst movie ever, but its pretty bad, yet there's something endearing about it, which makes it perfect to analyze and review here at BAFR. Ladies and broskeetos, today I bring you a heinous classic: TROLL 2.

This one is heinous, so i'm just gonna give it to ya: The flick starts out with a little dude named Joshua being told a story by his grandfather. The story is about some goblins out in the woods who are chasing this dude named Peter. Peter falls after a badass intro with this killer 80s keyboard/rock song. Peter then gets tricked by this hot chick that was really a Goblin into eating this green porridge. Then he turns into a plant that the Goblin eats. Grandpa Seth is telling Joshua that goblins still exist so don't eat any green shit or the goblins will eat him when he turns into a plant. Then his mom busts in and is like, what are you doing? And he's like, well Grandpa Seth is telling me a story.... whoops, I forgot that Grandpa Seth was dead. Sorry mom. Mom tells him to quit imagining things and there's no such thing as goblins, and to go ahead and get some sleep because they are going to have plenty of fun next week starting tomorrow when they go on their trip out to Nilbog. Then his sister is working out. Then the mom asks the dad, 'who are the goblins?', and the dad laughs, 'hahaha, there are no goblins'. Then, the sister's boyfriend sneaks up to see her, and brings his stupid friends. She tells him if he wants to get laid, he has to bail on his friends and calls him gay. wah-wah. He is supposed to show up at 8.
Next scene, he doesn't show, and they split anyway. Josh has a bad dream that his folks are goblins, but then wakes up and sees his dead grandfather as a bum and the bum is holding a sign saying stop the car. So Josh pretends to be sick. They stop, and then grandpa Seth tells him to make them go back. Then they're like, 'get away from that bum'. Seth turned into some old hitchhiker. Elliot the boyfriend shows up with his friends in an RV, and she flips him off. They get to Nilbog, and its like an old deserted farm town. They meet the creepy ass family who they are trading houses with for a while, and they give them their house keys. The family says nothing and just drives off. They go in the house and the family left them some food, which looks like a bunch of cakes. Then Grandpa Seth appears behind the screen door, and tells Josh to stop them, don't let them eat. Josh is like, how?, and somehow Seth freezes time for 30 seconds so that Josh can figure out a way to stop them. He gets up on the table and pisses on the food. His dad is pissed, and yells at him and tries to get him back by saying he'll starve him out or something.

Then cut to one of Elliots friends out in the woods as he finds some chick getting chased by the goblins. They run into this nearby house after he gets stabbed by one of their wooden spears. Its the home of Creedence Leonore Gielgud, some chick who is like the leader of the Goblins- "of ancient Druid origins". She gets them to eat some veggie stuff, and then the hot chick turns into a puddle and is eaten by the goblins, and the dude turns into a tree, and delivers some of the worst dialogue (and delivery) EVER.

Then the sister dances in front of the mirror, and Grandpa Seth appears in the mirror and scares the shit out of her, but he's looking for Joshua. Josh changes rooms with her, and then talks to his Grandfather. Seth tells him to get them outta there, so Josh throws out all the food except some milk. But the dad takes Josh to the store to get some breakfast food. Another of Elliots friends gets picked up by the local sheriff who feeds him a veggie cake, and takes him into town. He starts sweating green and checking out the creepy ass locals who are staring him down. They give him a message from Arnold the tree boy. Then he drinks some bad milk.
Josh tries to contact Seth through a car mirror, and sees that Nilbog is Goblin backwards.
Then Lenore shows up at the house where the mom and sister are and gives them a cake.
Josh skateboards across the street and catches the townspeople worshipping and talking about how the flesh and meat is gross. "hamburgers! steaks! sausages! hotdogs! the smell of carcasses!" He sees the family that was supposed to take their house. Then, he gets caught and they take him to the basement to eat some ice cream, but then his dad busts in, and is like, "whats up? Why are you still here?" "we had car trouble. We'll be leaving tonight."
Then his sister knocks Elliot the fuck out.
Then the dad busts holly with her beau, then the one dude tries to save his tree friend, but Creedence stops him. She chainsaws the tree guy, and i guess she kills the other guy who lands on her bed?? They never say.

Then the townspeople show up at the house, and try to make a feast for them to make up for the "misunderstanding". Josh gets sent to his room for acting like a little asshole. The townspeople are a little too creepy trying to get the fam to eat. They get suspicious. Then Josh tries to call Seth, but Creedence jumps out of the mirror as a goblin and tries to eat him, but Seth comes outta no where, and chops her fucking hand off sending her back through the mirror. Then she grows it back like it never happened. Then grampa Seth tries to light a molotov cocktail, but the preacher catches him and is like, "go back to hell old man!", and starts chanting, but grandpa seth says something and makes lightning come from the sky and ignite the molotov cocktail and sets the preacher on fire. That part is awesome. Then everyone comes outside, and is like what the fuck? They put out the preacher, and they see his true form. Then the cop and everyone is like, "he was one of us", "now its your turn".
Creedence starts chanting and makes herself pretty to seduce the last of Elliots friends with a piece of corn on the cob?!? The townsfolk hold them hostage in the house, and tell them to eat sandwiches or they'd kill them violently. So they decide to have a seance to get him to come to them.... "You're a genius big sister". Goddamn this is horrible. They contact Seth and he tells them they have to defeat the magic stone that gives them their power. Then he disappears somehow, and a goblin is in his place. I don't know?! It jumps on the dads back and its hilarious. Josh wakes up in Creedences house while shes out killing the dude with popcorn. Then a goblin attacks him, until Seth shows up out of nowhere unexplained. He gives him a backpack and tells him not to take it out until he needs the contents. Then he says "there it is- The Stonehenge Magic Stone"!! Seriously. That's what its called. He says all they have to do is touch it. Unbelievable. The goblins have the family surrounded. Then they disappear. Then Creedence is back at her house. She backs Josh into a corner and he takes out the answer to the whole movie- a goddamned double-decker bologna sandwich!! He eats it and somehow it works, and also SOMEHOW his family is magically there, and then Josh is screaming at them to touch the "Stonehenge Magic Stone" and CONCENTRATE- no CONCENTRATE HARDER!! you're not doing it HARD ENUFF!! i wanted to strangle him at this point. Then it worked. The End? No. Then, the dad takes the boyfriend home, and the mom and josh go home. Josh goes up for a nap, and his mom goes for a shower. He gets weirded out, finds a baseball that says "Mummy is so good"- Checks the shower- green slime. Then he goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, Goblins eating his mom. "do you want some Joshua?"
terrible. and great at the same time. I think.
if you need any other reason to watch this flick, check out these dance moves- you're welcome: