Sunday, May 26, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Tremors (1990)

"Cold, my ass, he's dead! We killed it. We killed it! *FUCCKKKK YOOOOUUU!!!* - Val

"There's no way Walter Chang's getting his slick mits on this for no 15 bucks." - Earl

"I think I have a plan. Why don't we throw a bomb the way we want to go and then when it goes off, we run like goddamn bastards!... Pardon my French." - Rhonda

Man, this is one that I just missed out on forever. Now a great cheesy cult horror classic, this one had tons of names, used to be's, and almost was's! Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, EGG CHEN!, Reba McEntire, and Michael Gross (FAMILY TIES) star in TREMORS!!!

Val (Bacon) and Earl (Ward) are handymen in a very small town in Nevada. They are trying to get out of town because they can't really save any money that only has fourteen residents. Finally one day after getting shit sprayed all over them they decide to pack the junk they have in the truck and split. They meet up with a young graduate student who's studying seismic phenomena in the area. On the way out, things keep happening that send the guys back into town. First off, they see an old man way up on an electrical power tower. Val figures he's drunk and goes up to bring him down. He soon realizes the old man is dead and dried up. They take him back into town figuring he died from dehydration after being drunk.

Then Val and Earl go see this dude named "Old Fred" who is a sheep herder. The only problem is all of the sheep are slaughtered and old Fred is dead and his head has a bed in the...dirt. He was dead, whatever. So they think a killer is on the loose and they go to tell the rest of the people in town. They tell these two road workers and then something grabs one of them by the drill and pulls him in the earth, and the other dude gets crushed beneath a pile of rocks. So Val tries to call the police from their town (Perfection), and the phones are dead, so they try to make it to the next town over (Bixby) to get help. Unfortunately there's the rock slide blocking the way and they are now trapped in town. They get ready to go back to town, but Val has the truck trapped in the rubble (he thinks). Back in town at Walter (Egg Chen)'s store, they see that some kind of underground snakes were wrapped around the back axle of the truck. That night, an old man and his wife who are building a house out in Perfection are swallowed up by the snakelike creatures, station wagon and all!

So Val & Earl set out for help on horseback the next morning and some of the snakes attack them. They turn out to really be 3 tongues that are hooked to a giant wormlike creature. It chases them and they run into the grad student Rhonda who is still out there with her readings. The giant worm dies when it crashes into an underground retaining wall and they figure out that there are 3 more of them in the area. One of them traps them out on some rocks because it can feel them move. They are blind but feel through vibrations in the land. So they spend the night on the rocks and escape to the truck in the morning by pole vaulting from rock to rock until they reach it. They get back to town but no one believes them until one of the worms busts through the ground and steals Egg Chen and sucks him into the ground. They then all rush into their homes and the store and up onto their roofs.

So the couple with all the weapons are back in their house and they hit everyone up by cb. They manage to kill one of the worms but another is tearing their underground bunker apart. Back in town, the foundations of the buildings are being torn apart and Val and Earl quickly realize the worms are going to eat them by making the town fall down around them. Suddenly they have an idea about dragging a tractor trailer bed with a bulldozer. They get it going and pick up the couple with the weapon supply. Then they head off into the desert. They THEN get trapped on more rocks because the worms become smart and dig a trench that foils their bulldozer plan. Then they start throwing bombs at the worms and nail one of them. But the last one is much more crafty than the others and it takes them a bit to come up with a spontaneous plan to off it. Finally, Earl urges Val into going for Rhonda who is kind of heinous. Should you? Why not? Its nothing special, but a pretty good stoned out watch.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Savage Streets (1984)

"You're a tough little bitch, aren't you? I like that. But I don't give second warnings. So consider yourself suspended." - Principal Underwood

"Well, well, well... what do we have here? The game's over, bitch. This time you're dead for sure. First, I'm gonna fuck you. Then, I'm gonna slice you into little pieces." - Fargo

"Go fuck an iceberg!" - Principal Underwood

"Ima hide that salami so far up in you, goddamn Christopher Columbus couldn't find it." - Fargo

my buddy Ryan Waste talked this flick up to me a long time before I was able to check it out. If you're a fan of gang flicks, exploitation trash, 80s grit, vigilante justice, or horror film stars Linda Blair or Linnea Quigly then you're in for a treat here. Almost a companion piece to CLASS OF 1984, this one should already be in your collection. Violence, girl's locker room fights, senseless gang murder and the ramifications of raping a girl's deaf sister are all packed into SAVAGE STREETS!!!

So Brenda and her friends have taken her little sister out on the town for the night. A gang of drug dealers who have a young progeny are similarly out doing their thing as well, shaking down low dealers for bread and ripping their girlfriends shirts off and what have you. To teach them a lesson, the girls steal the leader's convertible and drive off leaving them in the dust. The gang finds their car down the street later that night covered in garbage. They scream into the air and vow revenge.

The next day tensions rise all over the place. Brenda is in gym while her school rival is cheering on the squad outside. Brenda's deaf little sister is supposed to wait on her in the gym while she showers and then they'll go hang. However, Brenda gets in a fight in the locker room with her rival over some dimwitted dude and they are sent to the principal's office. While they're in there, the gang comes in and rapes her deaf sister. It's tough to watch. Brenda comes back and finds her sister missing. Her friends help her search for her sister and one of them screams. The girl goes to the hospital, and frustrated, the girls go out to the bar(?). Brenda is crying and getting supported by her friends. Meanwhile, the gang (the Scars) are there at the nightclub too. What are the chances? I thought this was NYC. Everyone at this high school goes to the same hangouts? Must be Brooklyn. Anyway, the gang is still shaking people down and grabbing chicks. They grab one of Brenda's friends (Francine) and some dudes try to stop them and start a fight. Francine stabs the head Scar in the back with a switchblade and escapes.

Vince, the young progeny starts freaking out. The gang shows up at school looking for Francine. Vince makes them promise not to hurt her. Brenda's teacher tries to reach out to her but she isn't having it. In another class, her rival again provokes her by calling her sister a "retard". Brenda rips her shirt off and her titties fall out in front of the whole class. The principal expels her. The gang finally catches up to Francine and Fadden (the leader) THROWS HER OFF A FUCKING OVERPASS! Vince freaks and runs off. He runs to the hospital room of the deaf girl and confesses everything in earshot of Brenda who chases him off and then goes home to take a hot bath.

Brenda sits in the hot bath contemplating while 80s rock music plays and then gets a crossbow and a bunch of beartraps and takes off in her Trakker. She heads over to Vince's house and tricks the dad into letting her in. She threatens to kill Vince unless he tells her where the gang is. Then she goes out to find them and corners the mohawk one and Fargo in a warehouse teasing them with a threesome. The two chase her into the warehouse simultaneously hoping to hurt her and fuck her. She puts a crossbow arrow through Fargo's neck, and then gets Red the mohawk dude. Vince takes out a loan from one of his bosses and is making a getaway until Fadden comes out of the shadows in an alley and runs over Vince with the convertible. He then goes to find the gang, but opens up the warehouse to his two dead buddies. He hears Brenda laughing at him in the distance. He fires off his pistol hoping to hit her, but gets an arrow in his thigh, and then another in the other. He gets caught in a snare and turned upside down, but manages to use the door to knock her out and down. He gets down but she escapes and runs into another paint supply warehouse. He's coming after her but just as she's about to get caught, she slings a pan of Gesso on his head and then sets him on fire. He screams and freaks out and dies. Then the cops come. Cut to a scene where all the girls including the deaf girl are at Francine's grave. The End. Was it worth it? Yeah, pretty much for the girls locker room scene alone. Check it out.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Explorers (1985)

"Look, I know I must look weird to you but how do you think you look to me? Listen, I watched four episodes of "Lassie" before I figured out why the little hairy kid never spoke. I mean, he rolled over, sure, he did that fine but, I don't think he deserved a series for that." - Wak

"Elephantitis is when something gets bloated and ugly like your ASS." - Ben

"I would like... cheese... go... to... hell..." - Heinlein the Mouse

This was SUCH AN AWESOME FLICK when I was a little duder. My lil adopted Earth brother is 11 now and i just told him he basically had to stop whatever he was doing and go watch this immediately. Rewatching it, there are so many little parts that i had forgotten about. I just remembered the basic plotline. Forgot that these guys were the losers. Makes me like it even more now, probably why I dug it so much in the first place. The film debuts of River Phoenix and Ethan Hawke in EXPLORERS!!!

When the flick begins 6th grader Ben (Hawke) is having a dream where he's flying over his town and then he's in some kind of computer or what looks to be an early TRON-like video game. He sees some kind of weird circuit board but he doesn't even know what it is. When he wakes up, he's watching THIS ISLAND EARTH (The movie they watch in the actual MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE MOVIE) and its super loud and probably why he was having wild dreams in the first place. So he draws a picture of what he saw in his dream and takes it to his buddy at school the next day. His buddy is named Wolfgang (Phoenix) and he's super nerd. He is busy getting beaten up when Ben comes up and helps him pick up his scattered books. He tells him about the chip and shows him the drawing. He tells him don't worry because the kid who beat him up has elephantitis. Word gets back to dude and then Ben is fighting at lunch. Some other negative kid bails him out and runs from the bullies but drops his walkman. Ben follows him home and brings it back to him trying to thank him.

The thing about Ben is that he is SUPER DUPER FUCKING CHIPPER, POSITIVE, AND OPTIMISTIC about the future. About everything. He's so syrupy it makes you wanna puke. And the other kid has a bad home life, & as much as he hates to he takes Ben up on going to hang so he can get away from his abusive alcoholic dad. They stop by Wolfgang's on the way home and he's built the circuit already and when they connect it, some kind of forcefield puts a hole through all of his dime store novels... in a row... like a bullet. So they freak out and then the next day, he's figured some more shit out and he makes whatever the force is visible and says he can program it to go anywhere in space on a fixed grid. Some shenanigans ensue and they end up meeting over the course of the next half hour (for a few weeks) and do tests... way up on a hill, and then they accidentally figure out that they can get inside of it. So they decide to build a "ship" to protect them from falling as they decide to travel around town in it. They must be staying up late every night to build it because we get a montage of them falling asleep in class and getting answers wrong that the teacher is asking, etc.

So they get it up and running and test drive it, zooming by the chick Ben like's house and then destroying the snack bar at the local drive in. Before they can get home a police helicopter catches up to them and can't decide whether it was aliens or a practical joke or what. They begin to go higher and Wolfgang pulls the circuit out and puts it in backwards and the force takes them safely home. The other guys can't wait to go back, but Wolfgang says, no way, we gotta do more tests. The cop goes back out and thinks he's spotted something weird in the ravine where they are hiding the ship. The kids all have the same dream so they know something is telling them to go back into the ship, they can feel whatever it is calling to them. Meanwhile the old cop figures out Ben's identity and goes to his house but Ben slips through his hands and gets to the ship. The boys take off right when the copper rolls up and he looks up at them and smiles, delighted because he always wanted to be a "fun-loving-space-ship-sci-fi-nerd-kid-who-went-to-space" too.

So they go up to space and they are taken into this large ship and they meet a couple of aliens. Then they have some actions, and some reactions, and then something else happens. No spoiler for this one. There's a neat twist to the ending that I don't wanna give away. Its cute, and worth watching even if Ethan Hawke is like a glass of sweet tea that needs to be cut with unsweetened. Undrinkable. But definitely watch this.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Daredevil (2003)

"Hell's Kitchen is my neighborhood. I prowl the rooftops and alleyways at night, watching from the darkness. Forever in darkness. A guardian devil." - Daredevil

"She's hideous. I don't know if it's a fungus or some sort of congenital birth defect. But, as your attorney in this matter, I advise you to take no further action." - Foggy Nelson

"Business. It's all it ever is, business. I was working for Fallon at the time. Your father was supposed to throw a fight. And your girl... was in the wrong family at the wrong time." - Kingpin

I waited ten years to watch this piece of shit. And you know what? Its just as I suspected, a big piece of shit. Well, I WILL say this, the exact same movie could have been made the EXACT same way and could have come out 15 times better had they used different actors. That's all I will say in its defense. The only real bad part is the acting. Otherwise, its a blind guy exacting vigilante justice on mafia-esque criminals in the same city as Spider-Man, just a different part... I guess. Comic book nerds know the deal, these ARE comic book movies, so - AS MUCH AS WE CAN- we suspend our belief and hope that they don't murder our beloved characters that we've grown up with and spent time with for who knows? Twenty plus years?? Well what can I say? I've seen almost all of the Marvel movies, and MOST of them don't let you down. If you WANT a Daredevil movie, then you're gonna get it. If you want a GOOD Daredevil movie, well I guess you're gonna have to wait to they decide its worth it again, which might very well be never (BUT THEN AGAIN, WHAT DO I KNOW? THEY DID A GHOST RIDER SEQUEL....). Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Collin Farrell, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Jon Favreau "star" in DAREDEVIL!!!

In the beginning its raining and Daredevil falls through this cathedral window into the main area of the parish and a preacher guy comes up to him. Apparently then we immediately flashback to what led up to this event. We are introduced to Matt Murdock, a blind lawyer and his buddy Foggy. They don't make much bread because Matt will represent you even if you are completely broke, as long as you are innocent. And somehow he has a way of knowing... somehow he can sense it. And then, we go into a flashback INSIDE OF THIS FLASHBACK!! MINDBLOWN. Matt's dad was a boxer in Hell's Kitchen, but he got in with some mobsters and starting muscling for them and lying to his son about it. But Matt busted him doing it and ran away only to almost get hit by a toxic waste truck which spilt the shit in his eyes. He wakes up in a hospital freaking out because the waste gave him this crazy sonar where his other senses are super heightened. So he teaches himself to flip around and fight like a ninja at 13 on the rooftops like a young blind Spider-Man.

His dad feels bad for causing his son to be blind so he starts boxing again but refuses to throw a fight for the mob dudes and then they kill him leaving a rose on his dead body. Matt vows to avenge his father's death and becomes Daredevil. Flashforward and Matt & Foggy are eating in a deli and this chick walks in (kind of like Seinfeld). Matt goes after her to ask her name and they start ninja fighting in a schoolyard with a bunch of kids watching. Turns out she happens to be Electra, the daughter of a shady businessman who deals with this other shadier business exec named Wilson Fisk. The underground crime syndicate knows him as Kingpin. I kept thinking the whole movie that it reminded me of the Dolph Lundgren version of PUNISHER, because its a badly acted dark Marvel vigilante hero movie. Makes sense that both The Punisher and Daredevil fought against the Kingpin. Anyway Kingpin has it out for this Mr. Natchios and he hires a crazy badguy named Bulleye to come do the job.

Bullseye is a nutjob who never misses at anything be it darts or killing people. Matt falls in love with Electra and they get invited to this big shindig. There is a reporter there who is trying to find out dirt on the Daredevil. Then Bullseye shows up. Daredevil thwarts his first attempt to kill Natchios, and really pissed Bullseye off (because he claims to NEVER miss). But he eventually kills Natchios and frames Daredevil for it. Electra was there and she even thought that Daredevil killed her father. So Daredevil splits and sleeps in his weird coffin. The reporter finds Matt/Daredevil's stick at the coroner's and figures out Daredevil's identity but doesn't rat him out. Then Daredevil goes to fight Bullseye. He shows up but then Electra kicks his ass and rips off his mask realizing she's made a mistake. But she hurt him so bad it would take bit for him to recover. Meanwhile she had to fight Bullseye herself.

So Bullseye kills Electra and is about to finish off Daredevil but the cops show up tipped off by the reporter dude. So he splits and Daredevil does to and falls through that church window bringing us up to speed with the beginning of the movie. The preacher knows him and tries to help but Daredevil says get outta here and finally he does once Bullseye shows up. (A weird side note: At one point Bullseye tells Kingpin he'll kill Daredevil but he wants a costume. I guess he's just making fun of Daredevil because he never puts one on. I thought that was weird because in the comics he totally wears one. whatever.) So they fight and Bullseye figures out that clanging the organ fucks Daredevil up and he can't hear or see or anything when he makes loud noise. So he uses that to get an advantage till Daredevil uses his sonar to pull Bullseye's hands in front of a sniper's bullet. Then Daredevil finds out that its Fisk who killed his father and is behind this whole thing as well. So he goes to kill him and fights him in his office where its raining like hell because they punch out the windows way up on a high floor of this skyscraper. Fisk starts whooping his ass even rips his mask off and finds out his identity too (Dude needs a better mask). Finally Daredevil overpowers him but doesn't kill him. Sends him to the slammer and says he'll be waiting when he gets out. Fisk swears he'll tell everyone Matt's secret, but Matt says yeah right, who's gonna believe you let a blind man whoop yer ass. Then he finds a locket like Electra's but with braille on it, so we assume she's still alive. End. Should you? No. There are plenty more superhero movies you can spend your time with. Nothing special here.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Convoy (1978)

"Piss on you, and piss on your law." - Rubber Duck

"You oughta be shot right where you're standing! So help me if I had a gun, I'd do it myself!" - Cottonmouth Wallace

"This piece of white shit! I knew I should've bought myself a black truck!" - Widow Woman

Really and truly this is nothing but Sam Peckinpah creating a SMOKY AND THE BANDIT except for Smoky is driving a black 18 wheeler instead of a black Camaro in reference to the 1975 country song "Convoy". BUT it IS directed by Sam Peckinpah and stars Kris Kristofferson, Ernest Borgnine, Paulie from ROCKY, and TC from CARWASH, so join me and check out CONVOY!!!

The Rubber Duck is a truck driver and he's hauling ass and this hot chick in a Jaguar pulls up beside him and they race a bit. "RD" gets pulled and I think the Jag actually pulls over a bit ahead. RD tells the copper that the girl had no panties on and she was flashing him. The copper is horny and lets RD go and goes to get the chick. She gets pulled, he passes her by and meets up with a few other truckers he knows, Spider Mike and Pig Pen. A trucker ahead of them tells them that its ok to haul ass again and they speed up but it turns out the trucker was a cop tricking them over their cb's. Copperhead Wallace pulls them and tells them to pay him 50 bucks each or get big tickets. He makes them pay even more for shit talking him. Then they leave and split down to a diner they frequent.

Now the whole time they're doing this, they are shittalking Wallace on their cb's knowing full well that he's out there listening to them. They go check out the diner, and RD has a girlfriend waitress who works there. The chick in the jag is broken down there and hanging too. Wallace pulls up looking for trouble like Ben Affleck's character in DAZED AND CONFUSED. Just a real prick. So RD is getting some ass in his truck, Pig Pen and Spider Mike start making fun of Wallace again and he is searching the lot. They try to tell RD to chill out and get back in there, but Wallace goes in and starts harassing the other guys. Spider Mike has no bread and only wants to get home to his pregnant wife, but Wallace tries to arrest him after he can't pay his "shittalking fee" which is basically extortion. Finally RD peels himself away and comes in to try to smooth things out. Wallace insults Mike and Mike punches him. Then some other cops come in and it starts a full on knockdown dragout. Its an awesome old style slow motion cowboy fight and in the end Wallace is handcuffed to a seat and the drivers decide to split to the state line so they don't get arrested. RD makes his girlfriend get out of the truck and brings the Jag chick with him because she needs a ride in a SUPER AWKWARD exchange of chicks. However, Jag chick is not too psyched once the drivers are blasting out of town as fast as their trucks will take them, one even turning over and crashing.

So the race is on, and more and more truckers decide to join in the "convoy" until its over a mile long. Coppers try to stop the truckers but they blast through weigh stations at high speeds. At one point they smash Wallace's car between two trucks. Then ultimately they decide to go down a treacherous bumpy desert dirt road that leaves dozens of cop cars crashed out and stuck in the sand. All the while the convoy keeps getting longer and longer. At a certain point, Spider Mike leaves to go check out his newborn son. The media grabs hold of the story and attempts to ask RD why the convoy is happening and what his plans are. He keeps it vague and says the point is to keep going. I was wondering if they were going to have him crash a la VANISHING POINT. But then the governor up for reelection wants to look good for his constituents and they apparently support RD, so he wants to support him as well. Meanwhile Spider Mike is arrested and beaten.

The convoy heads to Texas and busts Spider Mike out of jail destroying half the town in its wake. They decide to head to Mexico so they don't get caught. On the way there, there is a traffic incident that stops the whole convoy behind RD. RD heads on towards Mexico but on the bridge there is a huge showdown and Wallace is on top of his car with a gatling gun firing it at RD's truck and destroys it running it off the bridge. Then a funeral is held for the Rubber Duck and the convoy drives by the coffin in salute to his life. At the back of the convoy is a bus full of hippies and a preacher. They ask the jag chick to get inside and in the back she finds the Rubber Duck in disguise who asks her, "did you ever see a duck that couldn't swim?". End credits. The weirdest part is that when the bus drives by, Wallace sees Rubber Duck in the bus and he just starts laughing maniacally. After all that, he doesn't get pissed, he just gives this, "well he got me" smile and shrugs it off. UGGGH. Should you watch this one? Well its not the best trucker movie ever, but its a pretty good late night springtime flick. Have a couple cold ones and you'll feel better about it.