Wednesday, February 29, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: City of Lost Children (1995)

"The poor masterpiece became so crazed he believed a single tear drop could save him. And after many cruel deeds he died. Never knowing what it was to dream!" - Uncle Irvin

"Irvin, you know all about feelings. Won't you try to help me? Won't you explain why all those children only have nightmares?" - Krank

"Who stole the child's dreams? Krank, in his evil schemes. But the happy tale had a sting in it's tail. The genius has a fit of pique, hear the genius shriek, the 'genius' is up a creek." - Uncle Irvin

This is one of the most beautiful movies ever. Its feel and tone is a very dark future (almost steampunk) fairytale. I could believe that society could have developed very fast in the 20's in France and this could have been a creepy dramatization of that heavy fairytale type shit. Its super confusing upon first watch, and even though I watched it countless times in Earth high school, when I watched it a few weeks back, I still wasn't exactly sure what was going on. I had to pay close attention because its in French, and its confusing as shit on top of that. An all french cast excluding Ron Perlman, and including a super intriguing young actress (at the time) named Judith Vittet who would be like 28 now (creep creep). All in CITY OF LOST CHILDREN!!!

Like I said, this movie is confusing, but let's see what I can make of the plot for you: There's this big dude named One. He's like a circus strongman and an ex French sailor. He's adopted this little brother kid who is only concerned with eating. No talking just eating. The beginning scene is outstandingly creepy with a little boy dreaming of Santa, and then there's like a ton of Santa's, and the world kind of becomes twisted and distorted. The kid is dreaming and he's having a nightmare. When he comes out of it, there's this ugly dude (Krank) and he's screaming with a huge chandelier vice contraption on his head. Turns out he's trying to steal the kid's dreams. Unfortunately for him, he is a clone who cannot dream. Because of this- he is aging super fast compared to his 5 brothers. 4 of them live with him. One of them (the original) escaped and lives underwater and collects junk that falls into the water (which everyone seems to be scared of).

Krank lives with his clone brothers and his uncle (who is just a brain in a fishtank) and a midget lady on an oilrig offshore. It's France so I like to pretend they are in Hossegor. They control a steampunk cyclops army who steals kids in town at night so that Krank can steal their dreams, only they have nightmares and he can't figure out why. His uncle claims its because he's a hideous monster. The cyclops dudes kidnap One's little bro and One goes to find him. He meets some orphans who are thieves for these conjoined twin sisters who are mean. One of the orphans, Miette, befriends One and finally helps him go look for his brother against the Octopus (what the call the twins) wishes. One becomes very protective over Miette and begins calling her little sister. It actually DOES get uncomfortable for a moment when they are holding each other and he's snuggling into her back. But then the innocence of One rears its head and you forget that.

The Octopus is pissed and somehow sends this dude (who puts poison into pouches on the mouths of some fleas) to get Miette and One to come back to them and be thieves AND recover this safe for them that was stolen and fell into the water. The guy does it and feels bad and rescues One but lets Miette fall in the water. No one goes in after her so we assume the water is poisonous or something. Nobody wants to go in there for some reason. Who knows? But then Miette ends up meeting the original clone. She escapes from him because he's so batty he doesn't even remember who he is (which turns out to be the guy who created all of the clones in the first place. He lost his memory. And the midget chick turns out to be a wife he made for himself).

So, Miette goes back to One and they continue on their journey. Along the way, Krank's dream escapes thanks to meddling by Uncle Irvin the brain, and it enters Miette's nose and the nose of the OG clone. It lets them know some of what's going on. Its like the device to move the story along. "The reveal". So everyone (Miette and One, and The OG creator/original genius guy) starts converging on this oil rig to confront Krank and rescue the little duder. I won't tell you the ending. The visuals are the real pay off here. The movie creates a giant world. I don't know how to properly convey how big it feels. You'll just have to watch it and see. And if any French Thorriors out there know how to contact Judith Vittet, let me know. Word.

Monday, February 20, 2012

RIP Whitney Houston & Michael Davis. My tribute. "IWAKOTJMF"

I was bummed to hear about the death of Michael Davis. We were fortunate enough to meet and play with DKT (Davis, Kramer, Thompson) the surviving members of the MC5 around 2003. We were psyched then, and it still stands as one of my proudest and psychedest moments to jam for those men who "kicked out the jams". We based our band on this Earth band. May he transcend this Earth like his music did, does, and will. Here's something I made today in his honor by adding it to something that has gotten more play in the last week than it ever needed to get in the first place. Paired with one of THE great rocknroll "get off your ass and do something" motivational yet STILL underrated and underappreciated true gems of all time. I give you "I WILL ALWAYS... KICK OUT THE JAMS MUTHER FUCKER".



Friday, February 17, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: Meatballs Part II (1984)

"Fanny, look, snakes only come out like that once a year. " - Jaime

"I'm not a dork, I'm Italian!" - Flash

"Just remember ladies. That this is a cabin for respectable women. There will be no talk of pinkies. They're not playthings, you know! They're weapons! Dangerous weapons! Like loaded guns! They can go off when you least expect it!" - Fanny

Here we go with another one of those old type flicks I haven't seen in around 20 years, but you never really lose any of it. You remember it like it was yesterday. It wasn't as good as the original and was really just a rip off that somehow ended up getting the rights to the name, ultimately resulting in a (!) franchise. But I saw this one around the time I was first going to camp and I was hoping girls would be slutty. Only thing is I was about the age of the younger dudes going to camp, not the teenagers. Paul Reubens (feckin Pee-Wee), Richard Mulligan (EMPTY NEST), Kim Richards (ESCAPE FROM WITCH MOUNTAIN), John Larroquette (NIGHT COURT), Ogre (REVENGE OF THE NERDS) & Jason Hervey (THE WONDER YEARS) all star in MEATBALLS PART II!!!

So, in the beginning, the absolute cheesiest 80s "summer" "fun" song comes on while some campers are being driven to camp in a bus by Pee-Wee Herman. A camper in a wheelchair races the bus to camp. No one ever says shit about why the kid is in a wheelchair. Apparently this flick went through major cuts. Over 80 minutes of sex scenes were shot and cut from the film to lower the rating from R to PG. There are two stories going on in the flick. The first involves a greaser delinquent camp counselor named Flash who falls for this chick. The head of Camp Sasquatch is about to get bought out by the Army Camp across the lake so the Sgt head camp guy over there can expand his army camp. The head of Sasquatch bets that whoever wins the camp boxing match at the end of the summer will win the lake and therefore force the loser to close their camp. I don't even think the campers are aware of the scheme.

The other thing going on in this flick is like a spoof on E.T. This alien with stereotypical Jewish alien parents gets dropped off to spend the summer at camp. The younger boys in Flash's cabin befriend the alien. One of the boys speaks to the alien and says, "Me Ted". The alien repeats him, but the boys think he says "meathead". So they name him Meathead. Meathead dresses in a rain slicker and no one else notices he's an alien all summer. Meathead also has powers like walking through walls and telekinesis.

There are two head councilors that are just finding places to bang each other all summer. Anyway Flash finally figures out that Meathead lives there when he's smoking a joint in the cabin. Meathead takes the joint and smokes it. His eyes get red and he floats into the air. PARTYIN. Cheryl, the naive blond chick tells her bunkmates that she's never seen a "pinkie" (weiner). So they set out to con Flash into skinny dipping with her. But the army campers invade at night by boat to do something that I can't remember. Then later its time for the big boxing match. I think when he was skinny dipping he got stuck out there and kidnapped or drugged or something. Then he had to steal a dress out of John Larroquette's wardrobe because he was caught nude. Larroquette was gay in this. Then Flash had to show up and fight in a dress.

Flash has to fight Ogre from REVENGE OF THE NERDS. He's getting his ass kicked... Hell, he gets knocked out, and then Meathead makes him fly around like a fairy, prompting lots of gay jokes. But he ends up winning. whoops. spoiler warning. Should you watch it? Yes. Sorry if I don't sound so enthusiastic. It is great if you love early 80s cheese. I can't find a goddamned picture of him, but the french chef looked like Doug Benson's heavyset uncle.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: Monkey Shines (1988)

"You slime. You filth. I'm gonna tear you apart. I'm gonna rip yer fuckin' eyes out." - Alan

"You killed my Bogey!" - Maryanne

"maybe you jammed your foot into that slipper... who gives a shit... it deserved to die!" - Alan

WOW. This is one of those flicks that 90% of people I ask, have never actually seen, but they always remember the poster from the back horror section of their local video stores in the 80s up on the wall. Well, I remembered that poster too, but could never get my Earth dad to rent it for me. Too scary he'd say. He wasn't far from the truth. This is from old George Romero! It's extremely heavy, with a cast of nobodies and a monkey named Boo all starring in MONKEY SHINES!!!

So Alan the athlete wakes up naked next to his hot but ultimately shallow shitty girlfriend and stretches nakedly by the bed until he loads up some bricks in a bookbag and starts out for his morning jog. Then when he's almost home, a dog jumps out barking and he jumps in front of a truck. Fast forward to when he gets out of the hospital, and now he's a quadrapalegic. Apparently his girlfriend had been banging the doctor who "miracle cured" him (allowing him to use a wheelchair with his mouth). His best friend is a mad scientist who has been delicately shaving off bits of frozen human brains, melting them down, mixing them with some kind of gatorade and injecting them into a girl monkey. Alan's mom is koo koo and gets him a very crabby bitch nurse to stay with him 24/7.

The nurse sucks. The mad scientist buddy's boss is trying to steal his experiments, so he comes up with an idea to give the monkey to Alan to use as a helper monkey. He meets with this blond chick who trains them and promises her that he hasn't done anything fucked up to the monkey (Ella). Ella up until now hasn't shown any signs of being intelligent beyond her species to the buddy, but when she meets Alan, she blows his mind with what she knows and can do. Pretty soon they have a sweet relationship going that the nurse can't stand. The blond chick falls for Alan. But Alan starts to get pissed at the world, and he hates his ex girl and the doctor that "cured" him. He gets a 2nd opinion from another doc who thinks he may be able to be cured permanently.

The hatred for his nurse's bird, and the ex girl and doc, and even his own mom is realized and acted upon by Ella. She actually murders the bird, the ex and doc, and then the nurse quits. Alan says get rid of her. And they try, but Ella escapes and comes back. Alan tries to warn his mom, but then she pisses him off and then Ella electrocutes her. Alan tells his bud of the telepathy and finally his bud confesses and he brings a serum to try to kill Ella.

Ella ends up being too smart for the scientist and Alan can't do shit. BUT- he outsmarts her and even though she succeeds in beating up his girlfriend, he finally talks her into listening to some music, and before she poisons the blond, she pisses on his unusable legs and he FREAKS OUT *********************** SPOILER WARNING***************

AND THEN HE BITES HER NECK AND SWINGS HER FROM SIDE TO SIDE UNTIL SHE IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DEVOID OF LIFE. Its sick. And then he goes to the old doctor and gets his shit fixed, and him and his chick live happily ever driving around a sweet van. Chicks in these flicks always drive sweet vans. Should you see it? Yep. Eat cake and sushi or pizza or something and make it happen.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Rocknowledgy episode 27 is up now!! Special Valient-ine's Day ep!!

YAW. How lovey can you get? This is your sexual chocolate filled episode straight up hot off the presses. Listen to it in the bedroom, under the covers. WE LOVE/LUST AFTER YOU. PACE.

You can get this ep for free heeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrre right now!

Episode 27 Valient-ine's Day Special Playlist:

intro by T-6000,
Sex- Love is a Game,
Alice Cooper- Be My Lover,
Frank Zappa- Dirty Love,
Devo- Love is Stronger Than Dirt,
The Kinks- Who'll Be the Next in Line?,
The Mamas and The Papas- Dedicated To The One I Love,
Nomeansno- Real Love,
Buck Owens- If You Fall Out Of Love With Me,
Black Flag- I Love You,
The Sweet- Honeysuckle Love,
Lee Fields & The Expressions- Love Comes and Goes,
Lee Hazlewood- Must Have Been Something I Loved,
Wipers- Telepathic Love,
The Saints- Story of Love,
Velvet Underground- We're Gonna Have A Real Good Time,
Nig Heist- Love In Your Mouth,
Unknown Hinson- Love On Command,
outro by T-6000,
Wayne Kramer & The Pink Fairies- Do You Love Me?

Sunday, February 12, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Black Hole (1979)

"The word "impossible," Mr. Booth, is only found in the dictionary of fools." - Dr. Hans Reinhardt

"To quote Cicero: rashness is the characteristic of youth, prudence that of mellowed age, and discretion the better part of valor." - V.I.N.CENT

"A wolf remains a wolf, even if it has not eaten your sheep." - V.I.N.CENT

I know a ton of dudes will remember watching this as little young rockers. You probably didn't give a shit about what it was about except that it had to do with space and some robots! There was a ton of shit that came out around this time either right before or mostly right after the success of STAR WARS. I'm talking about shows and movies such as BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, BUCK ROGERS, and the like. Every company was making space flicks, even Disney. Now Disney had a weird thing for a while where they made a shitload of flicks that weren't necessarily for kids (see WATCHER IN THE WOODS). Well, it was high time for me to go back and revisit this classic film. Anthony (Psycho) Perkins, Ernest Borgnine, Robert Forster, and the voices of Roddy McDowell & Slim Pickins star in THE BLACK HOLE!!!

Much like Star Wars- I had toys of this movie before I actually knew what the movie was all about. The USS Palamino is on a STAR TREK type mission. Seek out whatever's out there. They are at the end of their mission and about to return home to Earth, when they spot THE BIGGEST FUCKING BLACK HOLE THEY EVER SEEN. And what's that? A HUGE US space ship long thought to be lost. And how the Hell is it treading water there in space like that? It's not getting sucked into the hole and it's close as shit. Since the only chick aboard the Palamino's dad was the captain of that big ship, they decide to head in for a closer look.

They head in and get as close as they can and all of a sudden there is no pull from the hole anymore. Somehow the lost ship has figured out how to defy the laws of gravity and dock in space. But once out of its range, the Palamino is again being sucked into the void. They luckily escape the clutches of the hole, and then the lights come on on the big ship. They dock on the thing and are made to come inside sans laser pistols thanx to some unfriendly robuts. Once aboard they find the brilliant psycho genius Dr. Hans Reinhardt. He's creepy as Hell and has a robut army led by the ominous red Maximillian. He tells Max to lay off the guests. But no one trusts him except Anthony Perkins (who's name is Dr. Durand- possibly a nod to Durand Durand the mad space scientist from BARBARELLA).

The good guys have a robut named V.I.N.CENT who's very philosophical and quick to let everyone know he's never wrong. Which going back, I don't think he was at all. One thing I'll never understand is how the fuck the chick had ESP with a robot?! Maybe I just don't understand robots. I thought maybe humans could have ESP together, and maybe robots could read robots minds like R2-D2. But human/robot esp? It's unnatural. HA! Aboard the ship is an older model called Old Bob. Old Bob eventually helps the crew of the Palamino once they figure out that Reinhardt is super crazy. So there's a farm, a robot funeral, and then everyone is hip that the old crew didn't split, Reinhardt turned them into drone worker zombies. Fearing for their lives the crew decides to split except Dr. Durand. They keep trying to get him to leave but he's over it. He notices Reinhardt's genius even if he is crazy. Reinhardt wants to go INTO the black hole.

Ok, so as the shit gets closer and closer, Durand is killed, Max actually attacks Reinhardt who asks for the chick's help. Then Ernest Bornine splits but blows their ship Palamino up. Then they decide they'll have to leave by the drone ship. A HUGE flat screen tv falls on Reinhardt and he quotes Goethe as he croaks. "More light". Then the crew is splitting and they realize the ship is programmed to go into the Black hole and that's that. So they pray something cool happens. Now, the ending is up for interpretation... but it LOOKS like Maximillian and Reinhardt hug each other and all of a sudden Reinhardt is inside Max and he's standing at the top of a mountain in Hell. And all the drones are walking down the mountain. And then it looks like the chick is walking toward a tunnel full of crystals (heaven?) and then it shows the other side, and a planet and the probe hurtling through space toward it. TRIPPY. Kind of ends like 2001 a bit. Anyway... WEIRD SHIT! One of the only Disney flicks I can remember with cursing in it. I heard they ended up creating Hollywood Pictures and Touchstone Pictures so they could have more adult shit and keep it away from the Disney name... SHOULD YOU SEE IT???? Abso-lutely.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Jacob's Ladder (1990)

"Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth." - Louis

"See. According to this, you're already dead." - Gypsy

"Mr. Singer. What an appropriate name for a man who can't shut up." - Army officer

HEAVY. This is a great film. Its both a horror flick and a thriller at the same time. A lot of films are like that, but in this one, we believe it could be about demons or some shit... **********************SPOILER WARNING ALL THROUGHOUT************ BUT once we figure out what is really up... we see that this could actually have really happened. And THOSE are the scariest films for me. The ones that end up being stories that could or CAN really happen. Like that movie FRAILTY. Anyway, this one stars Danny Aiello, Tim Robbins, and a young Macaulay Culkin in JACOB'S LADDER!!!

The whole set up here is that this is a horror movie. And that's what we are led to believe throughout. And I guess by the ending you could still consider it one... However- All is not what it seems. This film begins in Vietnam, where a platoon with Tim Robbins and Ving Rhames are just sitting around. Tim Robbins (Jacob Singer) is shitting and he's coming back and his platoonmates are making fun of him because he shits a lot. Then they start yucking it up and then all of a sudden, there's a big attack, and one dude is screaming "something's not right, something's not right!!! AAAAAIIIGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" and rolling on the ground. Ving Rhames starts convulsing and puking and some of the dudes heads are shaking violently, and Jacob gets freaked out and starts to run and bang, he's stabbed by a bayonet. All of a sudden BANG fast forward and we're in the present (1975ish) and Jacob is a mailman and he lives with this chick Jezebel. He has bad dreams all the time. He's riding on the subway and he tries to get on but the lights make him start having a flashback or something and he falls (luckily) down beside the train and it doesn't hit him.

So the film jumps backwards and forwards from here, tricking us and we never can tell, is Jacob living with his wife and is the son alive, or is or did the son get hit by a car and he's divorced from his first wife. He has two other kids, or does he? He goes to see this chiropractor who helps him with his chronic back pain and it seems like whenever he cracks his back, he passes out for a few hours and then all of a sudden his flashback/hallucinations increase.

So Jezzie wants to get him out of his funk and takes him to a party and his hangs out with a gypsy who tells him he's already dead, and then he sees Jezzie getting fucked by a lizard on the dancefloor, and he lays on the floor and starts freaking out. And then he has 106 degrees temperature and then he's in the past again, and then he wakes up in the tub and all these people are around. Then he decides not to go out anymore and starts looking up books on demons. Then one of his buds from his platoon contacts him and tells him he's freaking out and needs help cause HE'S seeing shit and someone is chasing him. So he meets him and then they go to leave and his buddies car explodes. He goes to funeral and meets up with other platoon buds, and they tell him THEY'VE been seeing shit too. So they decide to sue the army because they think they may have been experimented on. So they hire George from SEINFELD to help them, and he says ok. Then the next day he says he can't do it, because his buds backed out. Jacob calls them freaking out wondering why. He looks up George Kastanza and he's like "look bud, don't fuck with me!" So somebody DOESN'T want them to know about shit.

He meets a nerd dude in the grocery store that tells him that he has the answers he's been looking for. The nerd says look man, I was busted by the pigs for making acid way back when. They told me if I work for them and make this heavy heavy shit, they'd clean my slate. So I made some LSD that make monkey's dicks hard. And then.... the army fed it to you guys without you knowing it. It was called... (wait for it).... the Ladder. And when you guys took it, you freaked out and started killing each other. So then Jacob realizing it was his own dudes that probably stabbed him, starts to have another freakout and then they put him in the hospital where he sees demons and blood and monsters and they tell him he's dead. Then Louis comes to get him out. Tells him he had a slipped disc. Also tells him that Hell is being attached to shit. So he goes to his old apartment that his ex wife still lives in, and goes through some old photos of his son that's dead and his dog tags. He throws them away or something and then he sees Macaulay Culkin who tells him to go up the stairs with him. Then we see him laying in a med tent back in Vietnam. Apparently the whole movie was a hallucination death trip. OR he really did all that shit and then he died in the demon hospital thinking he was back in 'Nam. They never say really. I think we're supposed to believe the Ladder put him in a dream state of Purgatory or something. Either way. Solid flick. Both thumbs. up.

bad/awesome flixxx review: A Night in Casablanca (1946)

"From now on the essence of this hotel will be speed. If a customer askes you for a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he askes you for a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he askes you for a one-minute egg, give him the chicken and let him work it out for himself!" - Ronald Kornblow

"If he had such good manners, he'd get off your lap and give me a seat. He can stand up better than I can, he's got twice as many legs." - Kornblow

"I don't mind being killed, but I resent hearing it from a character whose head comes to a point!" - Kornblow

What you have here is the 12th Marx brother film. It was a later film that they did, coming out of retirement basically to help cover Chico's gambling debts. I read Chico's daughter's biography of him around the end of middle school. A long time ago, but from what I remember, he was a SUPER DUPER BAD ALCOHOLIC, and a pretty fucked up gambler, along with being an insanely gifted piano player and all around funny funny dude. So this is a send up of the film noir genre that was big around the time. Starring Groucho, Chico, and my favorite Harpo in A NIGHT IN CASABLANCA!!!

Not necessarily a bad movie per se, this is more of "the better of their later" movies, is how most critics have put it. I think its spot on. We have hilarious performances by each of the brothers, harp playing by Harpo, a piano performance from Chico, and tons of gags. The plot revolves around a hotel in Morocco that has had three managers murdered. They can't find a soul that will take the job to manage the place until the run up on Ronald Kornblow (Groucho) a seasoned motel manager who thinks he's just walked into the big time.

Corbaccio (Chico) is the head of the camel cab service who attaches himself to Kornblow as his bodyguard. Rusty (Harpo) is his valet who begins the movie working for the main bad guy but soon realizes he's in hot water if he hangs with that dude for too long. The reason the managers are getting murdered is because the main bad guy is a Nazi war criminal posing as a Count in hopes of recovering his stolen treasures he's hidden in the hotel.

So the Count keeps sending chicks to woo Kornblow but Kornblow is as stubborn and slippery as he is inept. He manages along with the help of Rusty and Corbaccio in dodging the bullet so to speak, and succeeds in making the Count begin to think that he's lost his own marbles. The Count tries to turn it around on Kornblow by convincing the cops that since he's always seen in the company of Rusty- who's just broken the bank of the casino by betting red 22 or 35 like 3 times in a row on the roulette, and winning- that they must be in on it with each other and cheating the house. So they have to convince the cops that the Count is a crook before the cops can get them.

The straight man and that guy's main love interest who are also trying to catch the Count help the brothers chase them to the airport for the final scene mimicking the final airport scene in CASABLANCA. There's a super awesome sequence where Harpo is flying the plane and finally they crash into the police station exposing the Count to be Stubel the Nazi. I think watching this airport scene that the budget for this flick must have been huge for the time. Should you watch this? Well, of course I'm going to tell you to, I love the Marx brothers. Even though its not their best flick, it is loaded with laughs. Check it out on Netflix instant now.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Harrison Bergeron (1995)

"Can you imagine how I must feel, knowing that I'm striving to create a world in which no Beethoven will ever be born? But it has to be, not just because of some words in a constitution. It has to be." - John Klaxon

"Anyway, I don't think you're all that stupid." - Harrison
"Thanks! Well I don't think that you're all that smart." - Alma

"You haven't made everyone equal. You've made them the same, and there's a BIG difference!" - Harrison

Talk about a SCORE! This is a great little hard to find VHS. I got it for around 50 cents at some thrift store. It's Showtime's TV adaptation of Kurt Vonnegut's sci fi short story. It's a good find because this one is low budge, but just smart enough to have done it right. AND you can't get it on DVD. This is Sean Astin, and Christopher Plummer and tons of cameo's by folks like Eugene Levy, Howie Mandel, and Andrea Martin in HARRISON BERGERON!!!

Harrison Bergeron (1995) by ItsBartman

If you're a fan of Kurt Vonnegut, then you should search around for this guy. I checked and you can find it on Amazon for pennies. Even if you've never heard of this story, its premise seems like it was ripped from today's headlines. What with the Occupy movement in full effect, this is a forward look at a future not far from now, where the government has rendered everyone man and woman on Earth "equal". If you're smart or gifted in anyway, then you are subject to be "handicapped" so that you will not succeed or have anything over anyone else. The government came up with these "harnesses" for people to wear that keep them stupid. In the case of our protagonist, Harrison is smarter than the average bear. He's super smart but has been held back in school so many years that his younger brother (who'd grow up to be Darth Vader -Hayden Christiansen) has caught up with him. His folks keep taking him to a doctor to adjust his "band", but he just keeps getting smarter.

In a world with arranged marriages between those too stupid, and those too smart (in hopes of creating "average" children) Harrison feels left out and that something is wrong. When they finally schedule him the equivalent of a lobotomy, his doctor suggests he go to something that's like a knowledge brothel where he can exercise his brain- one last time. The cops raid the place and it turns out it was all a scam. In a society that is bred to be average, the government can't be trusted to really run things, so there is a shadow government of the chosen few who hypocritically enjoy the things that they regularly deny the mass public. Music, film, television, everything that the masses see is regulated to be boring, brainless and average. This is eye opening to Harrison at first but then he begins to hate the whole idea and wants to change it so that everyone can enjoy these things.

There's a chick named Philippa who talked the shadow agency into letting Harrison in their "club". He passes all the tests and they hire him and Philippa sort of falls for him and I don't think that's supposed to happen. They can't take wives or have children and they tell their families that the agents have been killed. Most of the families are too stupid to remember them a few weeks later anyway. Philippa and Harrison play chess in their spare time, and Harrison is soaking in years of jams and flicks. Finally they fall in love and Philippa wants to escape and she's freaking out but won't tell anyone what's up, and she DOES split and they catch her and give her a lobotomy. And the main dude is pissed, and Harrison is SUPER pissed.

**********************SPOILER WARNING *****************************

So, Harrison has got a job at the TV station that programs all the channels that we have in the US- which equals about 4 like old school England (and modern day in some places). Harrison lets himself in after borrowing a camera for the weekend, and then proceeds to lock himself in the TV station and airs all this music, and film and basically for like a weekend, just tells everyone in America that they are slaves and encourages them to take off their headsets. Finally they bust in and knock him out. But they don't kill him. They make him go on National television on the biggest nighttime talk show and tell everyone that his set on tv was just a big joke and he was an actor in a hoax like Orson Welles presentation of WAR OF THE WORLDS back in 1938. But after telling them, Harrison pulls a gun from his pocket and blows his own brains out on national television. Then we cut to a scene where a kid and his friend are talking about discs that they've gotten their hands on, and one tells the other his cousin is bringing a copy where the guy blew his brains out. And they proceed to watch the jazz & films that Harrison presented WITHOUT THEIR BANDS MAN!!! OUTLAWS! And so technology helped them preserve the pieces of art that had been hidden from them. And then we realize that the kid is Harrison's kid as Phillippa recognizes the music even after her lobotomy and she's downstairs, and the reason she was splitting is because she was pregnant. A no no. Yes, its shitty old Sean Astin, but its a pretty damn good philosophical sci fi story. i recommend. Cheers.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: Side Out (1990)

"Alright, you ready Munroe? I'm gonna serve ya... C'mon, move up. No, come up a little bit closer, just a little bit more. Ya ready? Here it comes...." - Craig Moothart

"HahahahahaHAA! How does it feel to be stuffed like a turkey?" - Wiley

"Nice hit cheesedick." - Moothart

This is one of the ultimate late 80s, montage filled, cheese fests! But it is AWESOME! I don't remember what exactly drew me to this movie when I was younger. Was it the tons of hot women in scanty 80s bikinis? Was it C Thomas Howell?? Or his other performances in classic flicks like SOUL MAN or RED DAWN? (Have you seen him lately by the way? He looks OLD! He'll be in the new AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, so you'll get your chance.) Or was it the super hot Courtney Thorne-Smith (also from SUMMER SCHOOL!!!)? I don't know, its not like I was super into volleyball. Who knows what draws you in? Maybe it was that song "Playing with the Boys" by Kenny Loggins (This must have been the international volleyball song, because it's in TOP GUN i think when they're playing and if you look up the video, they're playing it in it as well). Pretty sure if you're movie didn't have a Kenny Loggins song in the soundtrack, there's about a third of the population who would refuse to see it. All this and more in SIDE OUT!!!

SO... C Thomas Howell plays Munroe, a pretty good basketball player from Wisconsin who's come out to Venice Beach for the summer to work for his uncle who looks pretty much like Bernie from WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S (1 AND 2 ;) ). I assume he's a good bball player cause they keep telling us that. We never actually see him with a basketball. He's come out to work for his super rich uncle because he's working to become a lawyer. A bit like SECRET TO MY SUCCESS here in the beginning. He meets up with this crazy dude Wiley in the beginning who's trying to get fares at the airport even though he doesn't have a taxi license. He's driving a hearse and is trying to scam bread because his tour of hollywood cemeteries isn't doing so well.

His uncle tells him he has to go and serve delinquent tenants summons and get them out of their spots. With no experience whatsoever, Munroe of course fails miserably. Then he meets Zach Barnes. Zach is a ex "king of the beach" turned beach bum. Some say he still has the moves, but it looks like he's dodging bookie after bookie, just trying to catch up. Zach gives Munroe the slip for the time being and Munroe meets Samantha.... SCHWING!!

After fucking up bigtime, Wiley invites Munroe to play a little 2 on 2 beach volleyball with "side out" rules with some locals. They are terrible, but not TOO terrible that Wiley doesn't ask Munroe to be his partner and enter the "Classic". Noticing that he's late, Munroe splits back and gets reamed out by his uncle. His uncle is like, well as long as you evict this Zack dude, you'll be ok. Fucked up thing is Munroe serves him, and he ends up being cool. When Munroe and Wiley are getting creamed, Zach's ex is a huge volleyball promoter & she's trying to con him into coming back to her. See Zach got to the finals in the Classic a few years back and then was a no show. It turns out it was because of gambling debts he had to let them bet on him to take a fall. He regrets it, and to show his defiance, pretends he is already coaching the boys. Munroe is reluctant at first but then takes to Zach.

Munroe gets date with Sam, he lies to her. She's pissed. He spends a good few weeks trying to win her confidence again. But he is a jerk and when Zach doesn't show to coach their big game against some meatheads, Munroe pushes Wiley into the net and Wiley breaks his arm. Zach was banging his ex. Then he tells Munroe not to worry. Munroe decides to help his uncle evict Zach. But in court he feels sorry for him and proves that the scummy landlord fucked up. They lose the case. Munroe's uncle fires him. Zach meets him on the beach, tells him to move in and that he'll be his partner in the Classic. Then there's a lot of montages and getting ready and more pure 80s gold. If you see one volleyball movie for the rest of your life, make it this one. Plus, the motherfucking soundtrack is tight as Hell. Word. Word is bond.

Friday, February 10, 2012

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Ref (1994)

"You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it." - Lloyd

"What is the matter with you? I thought Mothers were sweet and nice a-a-and Patient. I know loan sharks who are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain't dead, lady. He's hiding." - Gus

"Yeah? Well, maybe Santa won't come back next year. Maybe he and the Easter Bunny will take a fuckin' cruise to Jamaica and you can eat your own lousy cookies!" - George

This is a great Xmas movie. There are tons of great movies that don't advertise themselves as xmas movies. Nowhere on the box does this say anything about it being a xmas movie... but that doesn't mean its not. It takes place during xmas, they do all the xmas things, the whole goddamned thing is based around xmas, so its an xmas movie. BUT, i guess it doesn't have to be. I watched it in February... so there. There's a ton of these type movies. Another that comes to mind is TRAPPED IN PARADISE. Here we have Denis Leary and Kevin Spacey in THE REF!!! (couldn't find the real trailer, so here's a fan made one. I usually hate these, and i DO hate this guy's voiceover, but it gets the point across.)

I don't usually review most of the comedies that I watch. I didn't review tons of John Candy and Dan Ackroyd movies that I've watched since starting this blog, because I guess they don't really fit. Maybe they aren't "bad" enough... maybe some weren't "awesome" enough. Either way, those didn't fit, but this one did. I'm not gonna get too in depth cuz I don't wanna ruin it. Gus (Leary) is a burglar who's on his last score. A big one. "The big dirty" as they say in Canada. He's got a partner who gets scared and splits to a bar with the getaway car when Gus accidentally sets off a burglar alarm and gets sprayed with cat piss.

Gus freaks and holds a couple at gunpoint, making them drive them to their house where he can think of what to do. BUT, he fucks up in that he kidnaps THE lamest couple ever who are totally in the middle of a freakout session with each other where they are on the brink of divorce and one of the main reasons- his mother- is on her way over for Xmas dinner with the rest of their dysfunctional family. Gus thinks maybe his bud will go to the lamest dive bar around, and he does. Gus tells him to find them a boat since the State patrol is dispatched to find him. Meanwhile he's gonna lay low at the house.

The couple's delinquent son is coming home from military school as well, and he's a blackmailing fuck up too. The family gets there and the mother is every bit the bitch that they've made her out to be. The try to hide the fact that they are being held hostage by pretending that Gus is their marriage councilor, but that falls to pieces as the family's attitude and nerves begin to whither away. Plus there's a neighbor going around saying hello to the kids who gets drunk as Hell, and he makes Gus, but Gus knocks him out.

*********************************SPOILER WARNING***************************************

Finally they tie everyone up, and have their son take Gussy to the waterfront through the shortcut in the woods, and tell the cops that he escaped and make up a story about where he was going to go, because he helped them figure out that they were completely fucked but they weren't really mad at each other, they were pissed at their situation. Anyway, this is a funny flick, and its kind of lame, because Denis Leary's mid 90s humor seems dated now (see DEMOLITION MAN, or JUDGEMENT NIGHT) but I still recommend it.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Rocknowledgy episode 25 AND 26 are up!! 2 Eps this week!!

yo everyone! Sorry for the delay last week. I didn't have internet. So this week you get TWO episodes!! This first one counts as last weeks! Sorry for the delay homies! Just sit back and relax and these jams will make it all better. Be sure to download Ep 26 as well! Cheers!


Episode 25 playlist:

Intro by T-6000,
Zipper- Bullets,
Vaz- Elastik C,
Lee Hazelwood- I'm Glad I Never...,
The Pop Group- She Is Beyond Good And Evil,
Ween- The Stallion Part 3,
Groundhogs- Body Talk,
Funkadelic- Super Stoopid,
Graveyard- Blue Soul,
Peter Tosh- Mystic Man,
The Litter- Journeys,
David Crosby- Traction In The Rain,
Quix*o*tic- Sitting In The Park,
Gary Numan/Tubeway Army- Are Friends Electric?,
Desperate Bicycles- Smokescreen,
Enforcer- Speed Queen,
Outro by T-6000
The Flow- Searchin'

Episode 26 Playlist:

Intro by T-6000,
Rocket From The Tombs- What Love Is,
Gentle Giant- In A Glass House,
Minutemen- Cut,
Pere Ubu- Dub Housing,
Frank Zappa- Son of Orange County,
Ted Leo & the Pharmacists- Timorous Me,
Harvey Milk- Shame,
Dinosaur Jr.- Start Choppin',
Frank Black- Freedom Rock,
Golden- Napenda Judy (Lakini Bad),
Edgar Broughton Band- Freedom,
Outro by T-6000,
Mercyful Fate- Curse of the Pharaohs