Sunday, October 4, 2009

bad/awesome flixxx review: IT (1990) & Roadhouse (1989)

ok, so everybody's got a list of movies that they've never seen, but supposedly "everyone"'s seen.  When you say you've never seen said flick, everyone is immediately taken aback.  "You've never seen the Lost Boys??" or "C'mon, you've never seen Animal House?"  The usual response is, well, i've seen half of it, or not all the way through, or better yet, it's been a loooong time.  Well, I've got a list like that, and i'm tackling it head on.  No bullshit excuses here, until this weekend, I had never seen "IT" or "Roadhouse" all the way through.  So I headed to VisArt, and the results are exactly why i do this section... one was bad, and one was awesome:

So, first off, I watched IT. i had tried unsuccessfully to watch this "made for tv" miniseries several times now.  Including my last ill fated attempt a few weeks back.  The last time i tried, I even unknowingly started the dvd on side 2, watching about an hour into part 2 and wondering what the fuck everyone was talking about.  I wondered why the goddamn thing didnt have any credits or anything.  It didnt make any sense.  I mean who was this white haired asshole in the looney bin, where'd he come into play??  So this time, I rented the vhs and me and the Nitewolf sat down to business.  Basically, i have only a few problems with this flick.  Its like the director couldn't decide who he wanted to be the narrator.  I think there's the main narrator, and then the "losers" each narrate their own first encounter w/ Pennywise.  But i'm getting ahead of myself.  This flicks starts off w/ a child murder.  Then this black dude, a librarian named Mike Hanlin finds a pic on the ground.  So he flips out and calls all his nerd buddies from 30 years ago.  Apparently they made a promise to each other to come back to their podunk town, Derry, Maine, if this monster child killer ever came around again.  
So then it goes around all over the country and england to where his friends have migrated.  First you get John Boy from the Waltons w/ an amazing ponytail who's a horror writer in england writing a screenplay w/ his wife.  Then you get fuckin John Ritter whos a big shit architect in nyc (who used to be fat).  Then you have Harry Anderson from Night Court who's like a David Letterman type nightshow host.  Then you get the token chick, the asthma nerd, and the boy scout.  They all freak out when he calls them.  The boy scout even slashes his wrists in the tub, so he never makes it back (well except for his head is in a refrigerator at one point).  Part one is the flashback movie.  It shows what happened when they were kids.  You have seth green as harry anderson, he's attacked by a werewolf, and then the kid from the chuck norris flick "sidekicks" and the terrible "neverending story 2" as the young version of main stuttering nerd john boy walton.  He started stuttering after his little brother was ripped in half by a evil clown named Pennywise in a drainage ditch.  That's who's pic mike hanlin found.  So stuttering nerd gets asthma nerd, and fat nerd, and girl nerd to build a dam w/ him down under the bridge.  Then they start hangin w/ funny nerd and scout nerd.  One day theyre hangin out and the new black kid nerd is getting chased by the same greaser bullies who beat the hell out of all of them.  So they throw rocks at the greasers and the greasers threaten them with death.  Then they confess all kinds of heavy shit to each other.  They become "tight".  In all honesty, with so much going on in here, its no wonder its all over the place.  The girl nerd has an abusive father, the fat nerd is poor, and gets treated like shit by his relatives, the asthma nerds mom has an oedipus complex.  It gets heavy.  Then this mike guy lets them all in on this 30 year curse on the town, then shows a photo album that comes to life, and they all freak.  So fast forward, they go in the sewers to try and kill it.  The greasers follow after them, and IT eats 2 of them and cripples the main one w/ madness and dyes his hair white.  Then the asthma nerd sprays acid out of his inhaler on IT's face and the chick slingshots it in the head w/ some Silver broaches.  Then IT does a backflip into a deeper part of the sewer drain? i guess.  then they go on with their lives promising to come back. ok. Part 2: So mikes called them, they all come back (except the boy scout) then they all start seeing shit, but they keep going "what happened?"  "i can't remember any of it." "mike remind us." "hey man, why did we come back here again?"  over and over and over.  Why do you think you came back?  goddamn, the fog in their brains mustve been thick...  Each character keeps seeing blood everywhere, but can't seem to remember a goddamn thing.  Then one by one, they go, "oh yeah, i just had a flashback."  and then they go eat at a chinese restaurant, and theyre all freaking out, fainting, screaming, and crying, and no one seems to worry or ask whats the matter, till they open the fortune cookies... but by then, they'd been screaming bloody murder for at least 15 minutes.  im not buying it.  ok, so after a bunch of lame shit from harry anderson, some more lame stuttering  & terrible acting from john boy, finally john ritter tries to prove he wasn't gay and starts smooching the chick.  but pennywise is up to his old tricks.  finally after what seems like 4 hours, they decide to go kill it again.  They go in the sewer, and find John Boys wife, and It turns out to live down there in a little door, and he's not really a clown, he's a giant fucking spider w/ man arms and hands.  So IT kills the nerd, and then the chick shoots it in the "deadlights".  And it runs away, but the losers have a bloodlust, so they chase it down, and start beating the shit out of it, and eventually John Boy rips its fucking heart out.  I half expected him to eat it.  the end?  No, then after the librarian mike gives us the update on everyone, he says that even though its only been a couple days, he and john boy have to remind each other their names?? and then john boys wife is in a trance, but instead of leaving, he grabs his old bike, and hauls ass down this hill and somehow she magically jolts out of her trance. the end. please. 3 on a scale of 10 that goes -10 to 10. heinous, but points for so many familiar faces.  then again, even if it had the greatest actors in the world in it, it could still be a piece of shit.

ok. part 2 of my weekend.  it got a whole lot better!!

I can't believe it took me this many years, and the deaths of two prominent cast members to actually see this flick.  Often hailed by many of my buddies as the best movie ever, and many critics as the worst movie ever (are they crazy?) i am ashamed to say it took me this long to see this flick.  Powerhouse movies somehow pack it all in, and w/ no stretch of the imagination, this ones got it all:  Monster trucks plowing thru car lots, blind man fronted bar band covering a ton of jams, at least ten knife fights, throat getting ripped out, dirty strip teases, ben gazzara crooning whilst running people off the road driving, FUCKING TERRY FUNK as a bouncer/muscle dude, John Doe from X as a greasy bartender, a young looking Sam Elliott being as badass as Ive ever seen him, a country loft for $100 a month, a knife boot, exploding auto supply store, swayze gettin cut at least 3 times, naked KELLY LYNCH (whos still hot btw), exploding BMW carflip, death by 6 shotguns, death by knife to the gullet, dancing in a diner, poolcue fight, lots of t&a, and about 25-30 good ass kicking scenes, including a least 5 full on bar romps.
With all that shit crammed in there, why the hell should i spend any more time typing out a plot??  Without a doubt, this one is a full on recommended purchase. 18 outta 20. and im toning it down, trying to think of how this couldve been "cooler".  get it?
RIP Patrick Swayze, and RIP Jeff Healy.


  1. point break was way better. one day, im going to one up swayze.

    love, that crazy asshat from orlando that always gets stupid with yall southern fucks.

  2. so, i've seen this movie 3-4 times, and i only just now got this weird jesus-is-coming-to-save-us!-oh-wtf-he-isnt-a-big-warrior-at-all-he's-just-some-dude vibe.

    swayze = jesus??!

  3. Oh yeah, IT rules!

    You should check out Retard-O-Tron video mixtape, they're free to download and for sure the craziest thing you ever seen. 100% suggested for all other Thorriors!!!

  4. you know I'm in love with Sam Elliot, right? SWOOOONNNNN <3