Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Elvira- Mistress of the Dark (1988)
"Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot they're gonna need all the luck they can get." - Elvira
"Ok, but I want payment up front. I know what you heavy metal weirdos do to hotel rooms. I read all about it in the Star." - Mrs Meeker
"He who holds the book of sight, when the moon is drained of all its light, will then be ruler of the night, Master of the Dark." - Vincent Talbot
"I am so sure. They're gonna kill Spider-Man with plutonium? He's GOT radioactive blood!" - Billy
Trying hard to remember the first time I came across Elvira's... well, that sentence is sort of an Elvira joke in and of itself. Trying to remember the first time I "saw Elvira's image". In the 80s, she was everywhere. She graced amazing movie posters in that first little VHS store that my father took me to in our little small town. She was on pinball machines and hosting late night movies and videos on cablevision. Elvira seemed to be everywhere. In fact, the very first 45 record I was ever given was the Oakridge boys, and I thought the song they sung, "Elvira" was about her. And in my mind, it really was. Here was MY version of Glenda the good witch. This one loved rocknroll, Vincent Price, and had an amazing rack. This flick is sort of a camp horror comedy throwback showcasing Elvira's valley-girl, pun-based sense of humor. Basically, its amazing- starring the secretary from FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF- Edie McClurg and Cassandra Peterson as ELVIRA- MISTRESS OF THE DARK!!!
This little number begins with our favorite Hollywood late night horror theater television host (with the most) Elvira becoming fed up with the shitty situation at her job (which if I can be so bold as to interject here, would be my DREAM job- not to dress up in sexy outfits, but to host really bad movies for the world each and every week) and upon the final straw of sexual harassment being broken, quits and splits. See- it just so happens her heretofore unknown aunt Morgana died and left her a chunk of what she hopes is change way up in Massachusetts. Elvira wants to put on her own FLASHDANCE style horror dance revue type show up in Vegas, but she desperately needs bread. So Massachusetts it is.
Elvira moves to some super uptight town in Massachusetts MOST DEFINITELY sometime during a Romney-esque conservative peak in the cities history. In her "never take things as seriously as everyone else type way" Elvira coasts through these yahoos like an iron through a hot butter shirt. The kids immediately are attracted to her and the parents and older locals are offended from moment one. Elvira doesn't let it slow her down one bit. She rolls into town, meets the hunky dude who runs the theater, steals him from a bra stuffing waitress and begins her takeover. Turns out she inherits a huge house, Morgana's dog, and a special recipe book that her uncle seems to want very badly.
Elvira plans a late night movie event for the kids to earn some bucks and her plan is foiled when she goes to shake it down for a bonerific finale. Tit-stuffer tars and feathers our heroine and tries her best to bum out the seemingly unbumoutable voluptuous vixen. Elvira tried to woo the Brawny paper towel guy by cooking from the recipe book and rustled up a mess of mean that would have made Jim Henson proud. A scary looking meal indeed, but the side effect being this was no ordinary betty crocker's special. This book was written by Elvira's witch aunt who had left her at an orphanage when she was a kid. Also lets her know that her uncle is a super weirdo warlock who'll stop at nothing to get his mitts on that witchy tome.
Elvira gets her revenge on those who chastised her by cooking up what she thought was a monster, but turned out to be a lust potion. It in turn gives her uncle the firepower he needs to turn the whole town against Elvira. Now we have the 80s version of the Salem or whereever Massachusetts witch trials. They begin to burn her at the stake, and if it wasn't for her transformer doggie, she eventually would have. But she got a magic ring, rained rain on the fire to put it out, escapes, loses the ring and then gets it back all in about 3 or 4 minutes. But her house burns down and she ends up going to Vegas to do her show. I guess she had insurance. Should you see this? Absolutely, if you're a horror fan, or a comedy fan, look no further... She's waiting for you. Unpleasant dreams!