Thursday, November 1, 2012

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Witchboard (1986)

"Hang loose, stay cool, and don't forget your psychic humor." - Zarabeth

"I bet he wants a clear strong contact." - Jim

"Please... do you see spazz written on this man anywhere? Please. So how did that board jump off their knees?" - Buddy

Another piece of work from the brothers (Kevin Tenney & Dennis Michael Tenney) who brought you NIGHT OF THE DEMONS. This one though stars arguably the hottest video vixen of all time- Tawny Kitaen. She's pretty much the lead, and then there's your regular cast of nobody z lister 80s actors. Watched this one just in time for Halloween, also starring the house from WAXWORK and WILLARD, I present to you WITCHBOARD!!!

This lame dude comes over to this hot chicks house for a party with all their friends, and after getting in discussions about religion and the afterlife (all SUPER boring when people are trying to get fucked up) he busts out this ouija board, even going so far in his lameness as to correct people's pronunciation of the word ouija. I think most people pronounce it "weegee", and he says "its pronounced wee-zha". Fucking pussy. Anyway, there's some SUPER friction between lame dude and the chick's boyfriend. He makes fun of the whole thing and bails to drink jack daniels. They finally start contacting this dead ghost boy named David that lame guy is fond of. He is super serious about everything he says. Remind me never to try to act smart in front of a room full of people, you come off as a total prick. Boyfriend Jim pisses off David and in return David the ghost slashes Brandon lamedudes really nice car's tires. Party's over, but Brandon leaves his "wee-zha" over there. Don't guess he was TOO concerned about its fragility.

The next morning Linda (Tawny) gets up and sees the Ouija is still there. Even after being warned against using it by herself, she contacts David and asks him if he can be reincarnated into whatever set of parents he wants. She actually would like to give birth to a sentient baby!! Cut to Jim and his bro at work talking, cut back to Linda and David telling her that he doesn't like Jim. Then all of a sudden an axe falls down meant for Jim but killing instead his buddy. Jim comes home understandably distraught and Linda is a complete asshole to him. Somehow it becomes clear that Brandon and Jim used to be friends. Brandon thinks Jim stole Linda from him, but he did not, its just unfortunate shit. But anyway it ruined their friendship. However they are forced to become friends again because of this mysterious ghost boy that Linda becomes obsessed with.

At the funeral Jim tells Brandon he needs to take it back. I can't remember what takes them so goddamned long to get rid of it. Jim throws it out, but she rescues it from the trash. Brandon brings over a psychic and she does a seance in the house and then gets a ride home only to be thrown out of her fucking window and impaled on the gate out front. This prompts Jim and Brandon to team up to go to the kids hometown to find out what happened to him or whatever. They take the board with them to become closer to him. Turns out that Linda was never talking to David in the first place, it was some evil dude named Malfeitor who was an axe murderer back in the day. Linda is in the hospital at one point and then shes out and gets naked and the ghost attacks her in the shower. Pretty rad. Hot 80s redheads, what can I say? The ghost kills Brandon at the waterfront where they're trying to contact David. Jim escapes.

So Jim goes home to his place and goes up in the house looking for Linda and she's got an old man hat on and tries to axe chop him all over that old house (which is actually an apartment building in the flick). There's been this detective dude who thinks he's pretty good at riddles trying to nab Jim the whole time, and he sees what's really going on right before getting smashed in the face. He drops his gun, and in the most ridiculous part of the movie, the board flies at him and he shoots a bunch of holes in it, and then everything is over! She somehow isn't possessed anymore, and then THEN T H E N, THE NEXT SCENE LINDA AND JIM ARE FUCKING GETTING MARRIED!!!! Are you kidding me? AND EVEN THEN (AT THE WEDDING) IN THE TRASH IS THE OUIJA BOARD!!!! Some little girl sees it with holes in it and wonders if it still works. The "planchette" moves over the word "yes". BUT SERIOUSLY --- why would the ouija board be at the goddamned wedding???? Don't you think they would have burned that fucking thing?!? I guess its so there could be a SEQUEL! and yes there are two of them. Should you see it? If you ever wanted to see Tawny Kitaen naked, then yes sir you most definitely should.

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