Thursday, November 1, 2012

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Witchboard (1986)

"Hang loose, stay cool, and don't forget your psychic humor." - Zarabeth

"I bet he wants a clear strong contact." - Jim

"Please... do you see spazz written on this man anywhere? Please. So how did that board jump off their knees?" - Buddy

Another piece of work from the brothers (Kevin Tenney & Dennis Michael Tenney) who brought you NIGHT OF THE DEMONS. This one though stars arguably the hottest video vixen of all time- Tawny Kitaen. She's pretty much the lead, and then there's your regular cast of nobody z lister 80s actors. Watched this one just in time for Halloween, also starring the house from WAXWORK and WILLARD, I present to you WITCHBOARD!!!

This lame dude comes over to this hot chicks house for a party with all their friends, and after getting in discussions about religion and the afterlife (all SUPER boring when people are trying to get fucked up) he busts out this ouija board, even going so far in his lameness as to correct people's pronunciation of the word ouija. I think most people pronounce it "weegee", and he says "its pronounced wee-zha". Fucking pussy. Anyway, there's some SUPER friction between lame dude and the chick's boyfriend. He makes fun of the whole thing and bails to drink jack daniels. They finally start contacting this dead ghost boy named David that lame guy is fond of. He is super serious about everything he says. Remind me never to try to act smart in front of a room full of people, you come off as a total prick. Boyfriend Jim pisses off David and in return David the ghost slashes Brandon lamedudes really nice car's tires. Party's over, but Brandon leaves his "wee-zha" over there. Don't guess he was TOO concerned about its fragility.

The next morning Linda (Tawny) gets up and sees the Ouija is still there. Even after being warned against using it by herself, she contacts David and asks him if he can be reincarnated into whatever set of parents he wants. She actually would like to give birth to a sentient baby!! Cut to Jim and his bro at work talking, cut back to Linda and David telling her that he doesn't like Jim. Then all of a sudden an axe falls down meant for Jim but killing instead his buddy. Jim comes home understandably distraught and Linda is a complete asshole to him. Somehow it becomes clear that Brandon and Jim used to be friends. Brandon thinks Jim stole Linda from him, but he did not, its just unfortunate shit. But anyway it ruined their friendship. However they are forced to become friends again because of this mysterious ghost boy that Linda becomes obsessed with.

At the funeral Jim tells Brandon he needs to take it back. I can't remember what takes them so goddamned long to get rid of it. Jim throws it out, but she rescues it from the trash. Brandon brings over a psychic and she does a seance in the house and then gets a ride home only to be thrown out of her fucking window and impaled on the gate out front. This prompts Jim and Brandon to team up to go to the kids hometown to find out what happened to him or whatever. They take the board with them to become closer to him. Turns out that Linda was never talking to David in the first place, it was some evil dude named Malfeitor who was an axe murderer back in the day. Linda is in the hospital at one point and then shes out and gets naked and the ghost attacks her in the shower. Pretty rad. Hot 80s redheads, what can I say? The ghost kills Brandon at the waterfront where they're trying to contact David. Jim escapes.

So Jim goes home to his place and goes up in the house looking for Linda and she's got an old man hat on and tries to axe chop him all over that old house (which is actually an apartment building in the flick). There's been this detective dude who thinks he's pretty good at riddles trying to nab Jim the whole time, and he sees what's really going on right before getting smashed in the face. He drops his gun, and in the most ridiculous part of the movie, the board flies at him and he shoots a bunch of holes in it, and then everything is over! She somehow isn't possessed anymore, and then THEN T H E N, THE NEXT SCENE LINDA AND JIM ARE FUCKING GETTING MARRIED!!!! Are you kidding me? AND EVEN THEN (AT THE WEDDING) IN THE TRASH IS THE OUIJA BOARD!!!! Some little girl sees it with holes in it and wonders if it still works. The "planchette" moves over the word "yes". BUT SERIOUSLY --- why would the ouija board be at the goddamned wedding???? Don't you think they would have burned that fucking thing?!? I guess its so there could be a SEQUEL! and yes there are two of them. Should you see it? If you ever wanted to see Tawny Kitaen naked, then yes sir you most definitely should.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Dead Heat (1988)

"Roger, maybe you ought to get yourself a change of clothes. Being dead isn't something you should advertise." - Doug

"God wants us to live forever. And even if he doesn't, you could always buy him off." - Arthur P. Loudermilk

"Personally rip his heart out with my bare hands, Roger. Hold the heart in the palm of my hand and we'll watch it stops beating together." - Doug

Over the last six months I've probably been suggested this movie about ten times. Boy you guys are some sick sick bastards. This is the equivalent of a HUGE HUGE turd that just won't come out. Its stuck and I believe that if I didn't personally ingest a bunch of fast food whilst watching this one, it may have never come out. Joe Piscopo's lines are SO fucking dry and shitty that you sometimes feel that the whole goddamned movie is a REALLY bad joke. Not one single line he utters is even somewhat believable. I mean it is fucking BAD. This feels like a huge "fuck you" and I'm pretty hurt that you guys would do this to me. HAHAHA. However, you all DO know that I love this shit, so if you think there was some way I wasn't gonna make it through you were "Dead" wrong. wow. So here we go- Treat Williams, Joe Piscopo, Darrin McNavin (the dad from A CHRISTMAS STORY) and one of the last performances by VINCENT PRICE! You'd think with all that you'd have something amazing. Well, you just might. Amazing enough to probably kill you. Handle with care, I present to you DEAD HEAT!!!

Our story begins with Doug and Roger, two cops who sometimes get in trouble with their captain for using extreme measures. They are responding to what seems to be a jewelry heist. But for some reason, when the cops start shooting these guys who are using automatic weapons on them, the bullets don't work. They are filling these dudes full of lead yet, officer after officer goes down. Roger thinks fast, jumps in a nearby squad car and runs the thieves down. They then proceed to get chewed out by their captain. Typical.

So Roger's ex girlfriend works down at the morgue and Doug & Roger head down there to find out what was up with those crooks. She is kind of a jerk in a "I know you need me" kind of way, but she gives them info that trips them out. She tells them that the crooks had been there before. She had pics of them from when they were there the first time. Somehow they had come back to life. Her boss is a jerk and they only kind of show him for a second, so you know he plays some kind of part later in the flick. She told them their was traces of some weird chemical in their body and so they go to the place in town where those chemicals are shipped. In that spot they meet this kind of hot chick who plays dumb and acts like she knows nothing, but they suspect she knows more right from the get go. While Roger distracts her, Doug fakes a piss break and snoops around. He finds this room where they kill animals they test on, and then finds a weird room in the back where something weird definitely happens. Out of nowhere this huge mutant biker jumps out and starts fighting Doug. It takes them both to kill it, but Roger gets locked in the asphyxiation room, "someone" turns on the "airsuck" and just like that- he dies.

But Doug shows Roger's ex morgue girl the machine and they figure that they are using it to reanimate corpses. They don't even believe it themselves, but before they can fully doubt their thoughts they have Roger up on the machine and convulsing until poof- he's back alive. With no pulse and cold skin they figure he has about 12 hours to solve his own murder and find out why someone is bringing back the dead. So then we have a lot of back and forth. They go to the one chicks house and question her and then 2 more undead goons attack them. She tells them she is a rich dudes daughter who owned the company. Then they go try to find this one Chinese guy for some reason, but he gets a bunch of reanimated chicken wings and cow corpses to attack them. Then they go back to see Roger's ex. She says she can help him maybe live undead indefinitely but she needs him to hang around. He says no way, he's got to find his killer. He takes the other chick to her dad's grave and he finds a number on a lampshade. She admits she wasn't really his daughter. Then they go back to her house and Doug is dead in a fishtank. Then the chick tells him she's dead and right when she does, she starts to melt.

So Roger goes to find his ex's dickhead boss and accuses him of being the mastermind behind the whole thing. He laughs and has undead goons grab Roger and strap him into an ambulance beside of his (now too) dead girlfriend. They lock him in there, and he uses his leg to knock it out of gear on the steep hill and the van rolls into a huge intersection, flips and explodes. Roger escapes looking like a burnt up maniac, goes into the place where The Coroner and the now resurrected Arthur Loudermilk are pitching a death sales scam to rich old people. He tries to bust them and they sic his reanimated dead partner Doug on him. But at the last minute he says, "Hey Doug its me" and SOMEHOW HE REMEMBERS WHO HE IS THAT FUCKING SIMPLY!! Incredible. Then they kill The Coroner and reanimate him and then reanimate him again causing his guts to explode everywhere. Then they destroy the machine. The End. But they didn't kill Loudermilk, and there were at LEAST 2 more of those machines in other places in town. I guess we are supposed to glean that they'll take care of it. I'm not sure if you actually made it this far, but if I had to listen to one more of Piscopo's lame jokes, someone may have had to reanimate me. Should you see this? Only if you are a real fuckin masochist.