Thursday, January 17, 2013
Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Golden Child (1986)
"Ha! I got the knife! Now turn on the goddamn lights!" - Chandler Jerrell
"My dear, sweet brother Numsie!" - Chandler Jerrell
"Hey Bird - Did you just see a little Hare-Krishna midget in the tree, floatin'?... Or is it me?" - Chandler Jerrell
So, 1986, one of the best years ever for music, movies and all the things that root themselves deeply in some of our nerdcenters. This flick has a dear place in my heart as I've seen it a multitude of times. I've always viewed it as kind of a sister flick to my favorite movie BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA probably for the sheer fact the Egg Chen basically plays himself in it. I always had this idea that Egg Chen just went around having adventures and fighting with the Wi Kong and Sardum Noomsie and maybe taught a class on ultimate evil in his spare time (PRINCE OF DARKNESS). But yes, one of Eddie Murphy's classics, and surely in my top ten, cameo by Randall "Tex" Cobb, I present to you THE GOLDEN CHILD!!!
So a little monk brings a bird back to life and then is kidnapped by a dude in a cape with some henchmen who kill all the other monks. Cut to LA, where we see all the typical Hollywood scenes (Pink's Hotdogs, etc) and meet our protagonist Chandler Jerrell who finds lost children. Chandler is on a mission to find a lost girl and is spotted on a local cable access show by a lady who wants to enlist him to find the little monk. Turns out the little monk is very special and Chandler Jerrell finds himself being called the Chosen One who will help find the "Savior of mankind".
Jerrell dismisses the lady as crazy and goes back to playing basketball. Days later they find the missing girl in a house where bikers were putting her blood in oatmeal. The lady tells Jerrell that they had the child too and were trying to feed him the blood to make him unclean. They go meet a dragon lady and she tells them where to find the bikers. The chick kicks the bikers asses and the caped guy "Sardom Numsi" comes to Chandler in a dream. Finally after being burned in a dream and seeing the apparition of the kid in a tree and spotting the boys parakeet everywhere, Chandler agrees that something is going on.
Kee (the girl) talks Jerrell into going to Tibet after a lot of arm twisting and when they arrive, he is put through a series of tests by Egg Chen, who at first disguises himself as a street salesman. They came all this way to get a sacred knife basically to keep it out of Numsi's hands because that's really the only thing that can kill the kid. That or eating blood I guess. So he gets the knife and they go back to LA. Jerrell and Kee are attacked while sleeping and Kee gets shot and killed and she tells Jerrell that she loves him. The doctor (who is Lo Pan from BIG TROUBLE!!!) (actually there are a lot of extras from BIG TROUBLE in this) tells him to bring the kid back to save her before its too late.
So Chandler drives his shitty car out to like an abandoned warehouse where the shit goes down. Numsi ends up turning into a flying bone dragon demon and its pretty rad. Also the kid turns a pepsi can into a little dancing man and amuses a clearly brain damaged Randall Tex Cobb. Oh, and one other killer part I'll tell you about instead of relaying the final plot points is that Numsi talks to Satan in one part and the room falls away and reveals that he is on some kind of hill in Hell. That part is pretty rad. Should you see this? Shit man, you should OWN this.