Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Stargate (1994)

"Give my regards to King Tut, asshole." - Col. Jack

" I'm on Planet 'X' lookin' for a dweeb who wears green fatigues. He wears glasses. He has long hair. And he sneezes. Chicken. Chicken! Yes, Chicken Man!" - Col. Jack

"I don't want to die. And your men don't want to die, and these people certainly don't wan to to die. It's a shame you're in such a hurry to." - Dr. Daniel Jackson

Another flick that took me years to finally see. This is one that started a HUGE franchise that would rival STAR TREK for years with spin off shows and movies, however, I could never find the time to go back and watch the original. I'd have watched it a lot sooner if I knew that one of my favorite actors was in it using his same name from another one of my favorite flicks. Kurt Russell plays another character named Jack in this one. Not as cool as Jack Burton from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, but its Kurt as Jack nonetheless. You can pretend if you want, except this Jack is a big dipshit marine for most of the flick. Anyway, Kurt Russell, James Spader, French Stewart, and often overlooked background guy John Diehl "star" in STARGATE!!!

In the late twenties a professor archeologist dude and his very young daughter are excavating in Egypt and are there when they dig up this huge cyclical portal gate with symbols on it that match these rocks on the ground that had been excavated as well. Fast forward about 65 years and the young daughter is now a scientist herself. She's sitting in on a lecture by a forward thinking archeologist/linguist who believes the pyramids were built by a civilization much more advanced than the ancient Egyptians. His colleagues walk out on his lecture but the young lady who is now an old lady offers him a unique opportunity while he's standing outside in the pouring rain. Meanwhile Col. Jack is a depressed ex soldier whose son has just died. He is recalled into active duty and cuts all his cool hair off.

Daniel Jackson (the archeologist/linguist) is offered the chance to be on the team that unlocks the key to the "cover" stones found way back in 1928. He figures out everything but one set in a matter of minutes. He figures the last one out in 14 days. Something they couldn't figure out for more than 2 years. Col. Jack classifies the project before Daniel can find out more about it, but when he discovers the meanings, they then ask him to translate the real thing. It says "STARGATE", and the symbols are constellations and coordinates for space. So when he plugs in the correct sequence, it fires the thing up. A wormhole to another galaxy opens and they send a robot through and then close it and track it. Then they decide to go through and see if they can reprogram the other side. Daniel volunteers and Col. Jack and him and some other military types shove off into the great beyond. They come out on another side in a pyramid millions of galaxies away. At first everyone is pissed at Daniel because it turns out that all the symbols are different. They wander around and Daniel finds a super fast camel type animal. Then they spot a trading village. The old chick gave Daniel a necklace and the people see it and worship him. Then a few of them take him to a bigger city.

While they are gone, a huge sandstorm comes up and traps the remaining members of their entourage. The humans there are mining the same substance the stargate is made out of. The leader of the miner humans offers his daughter as a prize to Daniel. Daniel is shy but soon falls for the chick Shayari. Then begins speaking to each other in a primitive form of Egyptian. Shayari shows Daniel some hieroglyphics that tell him the whole story. So the Egyptian god Ra is an alien who is the last of his race, but before he died, he built the stargate and kidnapped a bunch of ancient egyptians and took them to be slaves and miners for him on his planet. They mine this substance which gives him his power and technology. Daniel also finds the other symbols which will allow them to return home- except for the last one. They all head back for the pyramid.

So by now a huge pyramid shaped ship has landed on top of the pyramid and Ra is aware of whats happening. Jack and Daniel try to infiltrate, but Daniel gets killed. But Ra uses this sarcophagas thing regenerate him and tells him he's gonna send an atomic bomb back through the stargate to blow up Earth but it'll be 10 times more powerful coated with that stargate material. And he says he'll do it if Daniel doesn't go and kill his own team to prove to his slaves that Ra is their one true god. Then there's a bit of action, but I don't want to spoil this one for you. If you are a history nerd, a sci fi drama nerd, or a fan of shows like ANCIENT ALIENS, you'll dig the hell out of this one. Check it out.

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