Wednesday, April 7, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Beastmaster 2- Through the Portal of Time (1991)

wow. i will never ceased to be amazed by the flicks that are out there. i was so curious about the sequel to Beastmaster after watching the first one (because truly, these reviews are supposed to be about bad AND awesome movies- and Beastmaster doesn't really qualify as bad. its just awesome) that I went and found a copy of Beastmaster 2. and I was not disappointed. It truly sucked (in an awesome way).

One of the reasons that I liked the Beastmaster so much was that when I was younger (on earth) it reminded me of Masters of the Universe. Dar was kind of like He-Man, and he pretty much had his own battle cat, and his world looked like Eternia. The only thing that ever remotely sucked about He-man (besides that fact that they never killed anyone) was the truly horrible movie adaptation w/ Dolph Lundgren. In that movie, I'm guessing they didn't really have the budget to make a realistic world filled with baddies that looked similar to Beastmaster the original. So what was their solution? Come up with some bullshit story about a "cosmic key" and bring He-Man and his cohorts over into Earth, and film in LA. That all happened in 1987, four years before Beastmaster 2 was made. I guess the director was like, fuck it, let's rape this one too. To be fair, I guess this one could have worked if they left the whole LA part out, but then everyone would complain that it was just another sword and sorcery flick. But some of the continuity mistakes were atrocious. His bird isn't even the same color. It was a huge black bird in the first one, this time it's like a brown, and sometimes white eagle. Rrrugh (his tiger) was a huge black tiger in the first one, and in this one he's a lean Bengal tiger. Somehow Kodo and Podo are back even though one of them died saving Dar from Mayax in the first one. (now, the chick ferret had babies in the last one, so these could be the babies of the OG Kodo and Podo. who knows?). What else? Well, a brief plot outline: Dar is captive to the evil Arklon in the beginning but of course escapes. As he's being chased in the swamp, he meets a monster thats like a cross between the Swamp Thing and the big ass Orcs from LOTR. It shoots red light from its eyes. but it sees Dar's hand, and goes, "yo, I was your dads sister one time. You have a big brother, who's a dick, you have to go west and kill him." So Dar sets out, meanwhile Arklon meets up with this witch who is way hotter than the witches in the last one. She tells him of this secret portal (that looks like StarGate- which came out in 94- interesting) and he also has a cosmic zapping "key" (see what i mean?). She tells him of this ultimate nullifier bomb the military has (in LA??) that looks like a pony keg with a timer on it. Just before they can enter the doorway, they cut to this scene of a chick zooming around LA getting chased by cops, and then they crash in the doorway. The chick is "like way totally rad the max, k?" Gag ME with a spoon. Dar befriends her and they chase Arklon and the witch into the portal and Dar figures out that Arklon is his long lost older bro. it gets worse from here. They totally make Dar out to be a kook. There's even a scene where they are driving around LA, and they pass by a movie theater and BEASTMASTER 2 is on the marquee. Dar looks into the screen like "what?!" WAH-WAH-WAAAAH. pretty much a bummer, but it makes me VERY interested in how bad beastmaster 3 could be. can i even handle it? enjoy boys and ghouls!

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