Monday, April 12, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

with an impending remake in the can, and a whole franchise of sequels, including a tv show to tempt me into watching more, I decided to revisit what some call the greatest slasher movie of all time. Robert Englund, John Saxon, and Johnny Depp in his big screen debut, ladies and gents, I give you Wes Craven's A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.

ok, There are literally thousands of shitty movies I wanna review, most of which I have never seen, but I have a few here that I've either been given or downloaded a while back, and I need the space on my harddrive, so I'm dusting some of them off before I delete them. This isn't any new territory here, I'm not gonna be telling you anything about this flick that you don't already know. Most of the time these dudes making the remakes fuck them up royally so that no one even gives a shit to see any of the other ones. That was the case for me when someone told me about a new Nightmare remake. I tossed it around in my head a bit and came to this conclusion: well, its better than trying to sell us another sequel. The interesting piece of information here is that the dude playing Freddy in the new movie, Jackie Earl Haley actually went to the auditions of this first film bringing along his buddy Johnnie Depp who ended up getting a part. Jackie Earl Haley is the long haired motorcycle kid from the first BAD NEWS BEARS. He was also in another bad/awesome flick reviewed last summer called DAMNATION ALLEY. But enough about the new shit, let's talk about this one. We all know the plot: Cute blonde chick has a nightmare about a dude trying to kill her. She finds out her friend Nancy had the same dream the next day. So Nancy and her boyfriend Glen (Depp) decide to sleep over to make Tina feel better. Tina's cool boyfriend busts in on them and takes Tina up to her mom's bedroom to bang. Johnny Depp tries to bang Nancy, but she's like, "no, we're supposed to be here for Tina." Bummer. After Rod and Tina pass out from sex exhaustion, Tina has another dream about the knife finger dude. She sees a goat, and Freddy chops his own fingers off! Then Rod wakes up to her screaming and he's freaking out, and she's getting cut open somehow, and he's like,"what the fuck?" "help!" "this is crazy, this is crazy!" and Tina's getting dragged up the wall and onto the ceiling and blood is everywhere, and it just looks bad for ol Rod. He freaks out and bolts. They accuse him of murder and catch him the next day. Nancy freaks out, she can't sleep cause she keeps having these nightmares, and she starts getting this skunk streak in her hair (that's pretty rad). And she goes to see ol Rod, and he gets strangled by Freddy thru his dreams by his sheets. Nancy goes ballistic, denies sleep, then her mom takes her to a Dream clinic. She has another dream, and she's running away from Freddy (who isn't named yet btw) and she wakes up with a burn on her arm and freddy's hat! She pulled it into reality! So the mom freaks out, the neighbors hate Nancy cause she sucks, they don't want their boy hanging with that creep of a girl and her punk rock quaff. Nancy's mom tells her the story of a killer named Fred Krueger who killed like 20 kids and then was released from jail because the cops didn't sign a form or something. So then some angry parents, and I'm not sure if she meant her parents, or like her friends who are all of nancy's friends parents now (?) all burned Fred alive. Then to "comfort" her she takes her to the basement and grabs this bladed knife glove out of her fireplace because of course that's gonna make everyone feel better! You got this dead guy's fucking killing glove in your fireplace! That's why he's fucking haunting you! HA! So she boards up the house and Johnny Depp gets turned into a bloody geyser, and then theres a chase and some HOME ALONE style booby traps, and then freddy's on fire (again) and then he sucks Nancy's mom into the bed. And then it was all a dream. And then Freddy is a car, and then he "here's Johnny's" the mom thru a window on the door. Wow. I think I need to watch the second one, cause this one was lacking on the goods. That scene where Freddy's arms extend across the alley to scratch the walls? Hilarious. My favorite lines? At the end Nancy tells Freddy, "You're nothing! You're shit!" And that just about sums up a lot of these movies. More soon bad movie lovers!

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