Saturday, February 9, 2013
Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Prototype X29A (1992)
"Suffering demon! I told you not to sleep here. Wake up and remove your sinful body from my hotel!" - Rev Delaney
"What do you mean dead? He hasn't paid his rent!" - Rev Delaney
"Glad you think this is so funny. Maybe you can help me find him and bury the little shit!" - Chandra Kerkorian
This is one of the worst sci fis I've ever watched EVER. And I've seen a ton of them. And believe me, there are tons more out there. So I'm not saying this one is THE worst, but its one of them. Its a slow ride that can't hold your attention because it portrays itself as an action flick ala ROBOCOP, but ends up trying to be a tearjerker post apocalyptic romance. No one you've ever heard of in PROTOTYPE X29A!!!
Poor acting, poor dialogue, poor lighting, poorly executed decisions on almost every basic movie making level on top of taking itself way too seriously is what kills this movie. Don't get me wrong, if its executed well, the more serious, the possibly more believable, the possibly more scary. But what's the meme everyone uses? "Ain't nobody got time for that!" The story begins with a title card on the screen that explains that in LA around 2020, the government created these cyber-humans to help them do something, possibly keep the peace. They were called Omegas. But sooner or later the Omegas rewrote their own programming to follow their own agenda. Whatever that means. So the government created these Prototypes to hunt down and kill all the Omegas. They suceed, except for this one kid. In a flashback sequence, we see a "rebel" Omega leader tell some old chick to take his daughter and hide her from the Prototypes. They he gets wasted. (Killed not drunk).
The old chick does and we flashforward to like 2047. The chick is grown and even though she doesn't know it, just like her old man, you can plug a computer in the back of her head. She doesn't know that, but she knows she's different and has pretended to have a brother growing up so that no one would think that she was the missing Omega baby. So she hangs with this dude who's in a wheelchair and jerks off to a version of her in cyber porn all day. Her fake little brother has some kind of scanner powers like her called "processing". They always get in trouble trying to cheat at cards. She's very protective of him. Meanwhile, some young chick comes to their town wanting to start up the Prototype program again.
She meets up with some doctor dude who used to be the head of the Prototype program. They never tell you why he can't just get the program up and running by himself. There is literally NO REASON for this chick to be in the movie. She goes to the cripple guy and tells him she can help him walk again. He knows there are going to be consequences. She tells him he'll never get to "really" bang the daughter chick unless he can walk. She played him against his weaknesses and insecurities. So he goes through with it. Basically they cut his head off and stick it on a robot. So he's the new Prototype. Its so stupid. Then he's like a sad robot, but "oh my gosh" he's not supposed to have any feelings. BARF.
So there's this band of mute punkrock karate dudes who do tai chi and protect the girl and her fake brother. They take her one day when they know the Prototype is coming for her. I should say they TRY to protect her. Anyway, they plug her neck into the matrix and her dad left her a message in cyber space. He says, protect the world, or some crap. It doesn't matter. The creepy old doctor kills the chick who built the prototype, when he probably could have just built it himself. I never understood that. Then the Prototype sadly goes about his business eliminating the last of the Omegas. Does he go through with it? Does she get away? Do you really actually care? Seriously, my half assed explanation is 15 times more riveting that the actual movie. Don't bother.