Monday, April 22, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Xtro (1983)

"Okay Paula, could you stop eating, we don't want to see the crumbs on your toenails. Kev, could you just get rid of that stuff? That's good and dust off the shoes. Could you remove the food? Kevin take it away, we don't wanna see a fat food here. Paula- you're not selling an orthapedic shoe." - Joe

"well that's all it takes. If you think hard about something, you can make it happen. You'll be able to do lots of things. Use it when you need it." - Sam

"Daddy's hurt." - Tony

This is a gross movie that I've heard about for a long time. Just seeing the cover of the flick (same as the poster) made me freak out needing to see it. Looks like it would be a cross between THE SHINING and maybe GHOULIES. Liss said a while back (a few years) that her and her sisters used to watch it as kids and she thinks that one of them still had their VHS copy. I'd wanted to see if for a long time and finally after searching for who knows how long, and finally remembering to grab it when at her house, it was in our grasp. Now after watching it is, why the hell a group of young sisters would wanna watch this GROSS ass flick! A bunch of British never was's in XTRO!!!!

This is a really bad flick. Kind of like the best kind of bad one too. It tries really really hard to impress you and/or gross you out, and I can say that it succeeds on both levels to some degree. The flick begins with a father and son maybe flying a kite or something on a farm and suddenly the dad is abducted. Then we very quickly skip to three years later where the boy is being taken care of by his mother, her live in boyfriend, and a hot french au pair. Suddenly one night Tony wakes up covered in blood.

All he says is "daddy's hurt." They haven't heard from the dad for 3 years, and the everyone thinks he just ran off and no one believes Tony's story about the light taking him away. Then a ship comes from the sky and a backwards alien man-dog thing creeps outta the woods and jumps out in front of a car. A dude tells the chick to wait there and then he checks out what he thought he saw. Which is total bullshit, I would have gotten the F outta there with the quickness. Anyway, he gets got, the whiny chick gets got, then the thing goes to some other chick's house and sucks her neck and then curls up and withers away. He wasn't sucking, he was planting some weird baby inside of her, and then SHE GIVES BIRTH TO A FULL HUMAN MAN. And its the dad.

Sam (the dad) gets Tony from school showing up out of nowhere after 3 years. Boyfriend Joe isn't down. The mom doesn't know what to do. Joe gets pissed. Sam eats Tony's snake's eggs. Then he has to chase Tony down and explain to him that he now has powers. He tells him about getting taken away and then he sucks his blood. Then the au pair gets fucked a lot. Now Tony has powers and he makes a midget clown come to life. His snake disturbs a neighbor and she kills it, so Tony uses his powers to make an army man come to life and murder her. Then he murders the au pair and the midget clown makes a real life Giger painting out of her and uses her to manufacture snake/alien/clone/Tony eggs in the bathtub. Then the dad invites the mom out to the farm.

Joe jumps in his 1982 Range Rover and grabs Tony who has shown up at his photography studio after killing the au pair and her boyfriend (using a deadly toy tank). Then they haul ass out to the farm where Sam is boning the mom after years of her living with her new dude. While they are boning SAM'S SKIN STARTS COMING OFF and he turns into the "Xtro". Then Sam kills Joe and takes Tony to a spaceship that melts Tony's skin off and they fly away leaving the mother all alone. EXCEPT... when she gets home, the home is full of those snake/clone/baby eggs and she picks one up that breaks out and bites into her face. SCENE. Should you see this? Fudge yeah. Everyone should have to sit through that once. Is it good? Not really.

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