Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. (1990)
"I was depressed, I was confused and I was turning Japanese." - Harry Griswold
"At the end of Mercury's next journey, the Dragon shall dance through the hoop of Jupiter. If at that moment the Monkey will ride the Jaguar and the Tiger will feast on the Nubile, the order of the Universe will be such that the Evil One will reign supreme for Eternity!" - Lotus
"I like a dog-faced monkey that has an appreciation for expensive sports cars." - Sgt. Kabukiman
I was so looking forward to watching this for a very long time. I thought for some reason that this was supposed to be a really good bad flick. I assumed since a lot of times when you see a promotion for Troma films you usually have two mascots dressed up or at least a guy in a Toxie mask and a guy in a Sgt. Kabukiman mask. Boy was I ever duped. This is one of those films that takes at least three or four tries even to get started. If you try to put this on and are even the slightest bit tired, you're done for. And maybe that's what you're looking for in a bad flick. Not me jack. This is grade "D" horseshit. I present to you, one for the books, SGT. KABUKIMAN N.Y.P.D.!!!
So apparently in NYC, there's a big underground Kabuki community. Legend has foretold that this old guy is supposed to pass his super secret Kabuki powers to a young actor in this community. However, the dude who was to become the superhero was brutally murdered along with his entire family. So the spirit of this mythic Japanese warrior is just hanging there inside of the old grandfather where unbeknownst to him his beneficiary has just been killed. Enter our protagonist goofball cop Harry Griswold. He narrates the story as if its a film noir. He's investigating the murder of the dude. We are introduced to and can tell right away something is up with this billionaire philanthropist named Reginald Stewart. He is responsible for bringing the Kabuki theater out of the small playhouses and into the spotlight in Manhattan. Meanwhile this chick Lotus is backstage somewhere preparing with her grandfather for the Kabuki actor who was killed to become the new incarnation of the hero that is to save not only the city, but the universe.
This grandfather is sucking down a box of mealworms just as our boy Harry is suckin on a chili dog. We're supposed to surmise that Harry is simultaneously going through the same ritual that this actor was supposed to go through. Lotus is getting super anxious since their dude hasn't showed up to receive his powers and she begs her grandfather to give them to her instead. He goes out for his performance with Harry in the audience, one of the Kabuki guys pulls out a machine gun just as Stewart and his entourage splits. More dudes pop outta the stage floor and fill grandpa full of lead. The audience laughs away and Lotus is screaming her head off. Harry figures it out, starts a riot and charges the stage. A thug tries to kill Lotus, but Harry straddles her and shoots his dick off. Lotus hates Harry right from the start. She throws him on top of her grandfather who kisses him and the magic mealworms jump into Harry's mouth signifying that he is the new Kabukiman.
Now we get another 45 minutes or so of Harry trying to cover up to his coworkers and explain why he's always dressing up in "dresses" and has paint on his face. We get more insight on just how bad Stewart is and what all he's involved in. Fast food chains, crooked churches. He even kills his own nephew. We get Captain vs Harry cop shit, and we get Lotus talking about women's rights. Harry has a cop girlfriend who was getting really close to the case. Finding out more than she should. So she gets attacked in the park and Harry tries to help but gets beat up enough to turn him into the full Kabukiman. Utilizing all his powers such as missile chopsticks, he defeats the thugs, but his girl is sent to the hospital. Stewart sends one of his thugs to the hospital to finish her off.
So over the next hour (this movie's true fault is its length. It should have been edited for sure), Harry decides he can't do anything but figure out his powers. And he keeps getting in trouble with his boss. AND he needs Lotus to help him and there are montages, and they of course fall in love. And he turns into a clown for some reason, and there are chase scenes and there's this part about a shirt thief at the local dry cleaners. Then they catch Stewart in the act but the bungling cops let this one chick loose and then Stewart is able to enact his plan as "the evil one". "The tiger begins to feast on the nubile" as it goes, and Stewart begins to become the Evil One, but Harry gets knocked out. He comes to and begins to fight what looks like the Hobgoblin from Marvel Comics. Luckily Lotus stops the monkey from riding the Jaguar, but did was Harry saved from the resulting explosion??? You'll have to sit through this one to find out! Should you find out? Well, upon second viewing, its not much worse than any of the other Troma flicks which I happen to enjoy... It just suffers from being too long. So... maybe watch it on fast forward.