Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Mutant Chronicles (2008)

"What do you believe in?" - Severian

"I don't get paid to believe, I get paid to fuck shit up." - Maj. Mitch Hunter

"Any last words?" - Lt. Maximillian von Steiner

"Shut the fuck up." - Maj. Mitch Hunter

A pretty horrible flick with a convoluted story. Actually the story is as intriguing as a lot of comic books I've labored to read over the years, but let's say the execution of the film is pretty grueling. For starters it looks like complete and total dogshit. It looks like they used the same engine that produced Playstation 2 graphics back in the early 2000s. And the color is basically brown and gray the whole time. Besides that, is has an alright cast: Thomas Jane, Ron Perlman, Jon Malkovitch, and this guy Sean Pertwee. I've watched him in four movies since summertime (the other three being EVENT HORIZON, DOG SOLDIERS, and SOLDIER.) I noticed his last name and looked it up and sure enough, he's Jon Pertwee (the 3rd Doctor on Doctor Who)'s son. Anyway, all of them are in MUTANT CHRONICLES!!!

So the Chronicles is like an ancient Bible about Mutants. It is really old and foretold their coming and told of their subsequent demise at the hands of some hero. Before the movie begins you get this ten minute back story on how a long time ago at the end of the Ice Age some machine came from space and dug a hole into the ground that would turn men into mutants. Some dude defeated the machine, sealed it for all eternity and wrote a book about it that was stored for centuries in some monastery. Fast forward to the year 2700 and something and the world is divided into four corporations that are waging war on each other. No cities, no countries, the land is just divided up into four sections that are at war. We are thrown into the mix where Thomas Jane and Pertwee are soldiers fighting for their side. Doesn't matter which one, they're all the same really. Unfortunately for them, they've just blown a hole in the ground and broken the seal on the long covered up "machine".

Very quickly, the shit goes down. Soldiers fall into this machine and are turned into "mutants" which look a lot to me like zombies. They are dumb and come after you and try to kill and eat you. That's a zombie in my book. Anyway, Jon Malkovitch is president of one of the corporations and him and the richest of the rich are taking spaceships and fucking off to Mars. Before he can split tho, he's hit up by Ron Perlman who is the head monk at the monastery I was telling you about. He (Brother Samuel) tries to tell "Constantine" that all is not lost and even though thousands of mutants are ripping apart citizens and society has went from total war to complete anarchy that if he gives him 20 soldiers, an airplane, and a nuke, they can stop this machine and everything will be totally cool.

So Constantine says yeah, go for it, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, I'M GOING TO MARS WITH THE REST OF THE SANE HUMANS. And somehow (I can't remember) 20 characters are assembled to go battle the evil mutants way down in the hole at ground zero. Of course Thomas Jane is recruited, his picture is on the poster, but his buddy Pertwee was one of the first soldiers to be transformed into a mutant. We see him later though. Then there is a beautiful but deadly Asian lady, and another super hot monk chick who is bound by a vow of silence, a Spanish guy named Jesus "el Jesus"(!), a German guy with about ten names, an Asian dude and I guess like 14 more people, but I can't remember them either. I guess they're all supposed to represent some portion from each of the four corpo/countries coming together.

The only thing I remember about the last half of this movie is they spend a lot of time getting to the machine and down into the thing itself. They fight a LOT of zombie/mutants, and pretty much all of them get infected and die off one by one. Perlman eats it, Pertwee comes back and helps them even though he's already a mutant, and even T.Jane himself gets infected and then gets a punk haircut and then kills everyone else. I also remember the machine looking like a cross between something in a cartoon and an old Nintendo game. Like they have to jump over fire pits and duck under swinging blades and shit like that. Anyway, yeah he seals it and thats the end. Should you watch this? No. Go bowling. Get out of the house for once.

Rocknowledgy Episode 41 is up and ready fer download brotha!!!

 Alahoyus everyone in the world! Hope 2014 is going well for ya! We're already behind, but don't give a shit! So this is Decembers' episode and we'll try to knock another out this month as well. Playing a new game this year called STUMP T-6000! You can just write in to valientthorratgmaildotcom or call us at 850 583 6871 and leave her a question. We'll answer as many as we can next episode. She's good at most stuff. Except math. Don't send math questions. Anyway, tons of jams on this week, check em out and crank em up!!!

Listen directly here:
http://traffic.libsyn.com/rocknowledgy/Rocknowledgy_episode_41.mp3

OR YOU CAN DOWNLOAD HERE NOW!!!http://rocknowledgy.libsyn.com/

Episode 41 playlist:
 Intro by T-6000,
 Judas Priest- Better By You, Better Than Me,
 Frank Zappa- Florentine Pogen,
 George Jones- If I Don't Love You (Grits Ain't Groceries),
 ZZ Top- Ko Ko Blue,
 David Bowie- The Supermen (alt),
 Creta Bourzia- We're Quitting Tomorrow,
 The Everly Brothers- Man With Money,
 Bowl Ethereal- Twenty Three Exciter Dreams,
 Bauhaus- In Fear Of Dub,
 Status Quo- Backwater,
 D.R.I.- You Say I'm Scum,
 My Dad Is Dead- Fireball,
 Skeletonwitch- I Am Of Death,
 Adolescents- Rip It Up,
 Dogs- Death Lane,
 The Dictators- Exposed,
 Hawkwind- Lost Johnny,
 Misfits- Some Kinda Hate,
 Mooney Suzuki- I Say I Love You,
 Outro- T-6000,
 Europe- Danger On The Track

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Condorman (1981)

"Have you seen this report on this Condorman? On this man Wilkins? He is an AMATEUR, do you hear? He is NOT an agent of the CIA! He is a WRITER OF COMIC BOOKS!" - Krokov

"I'll bring the dip, if you bring the dostoevsky." - Woody Wilkins

"Do me a favor, will ya Woody? Get on the train, order a stiff drink, stay out of trouble?" - Harry Oslo

I remember being completely amazed by this movie as a kid. I still think that the design of his costume and his car and his boat is some of the most amazing styled out super getups I've ever seen, and believe me, I've spent WAAAAY too much money on comic books to not know about super hero getups. The colors and the design are completely amazing. This is the story of Woody Wilkins, a comic book dreamer, who becomes a hero. Starring almost no one you'd probably recognize, but nonetheless Oliver Reed and James Hampton were in a ton of stuff, one of the few Disney movies that I feel fits outside the "Disney" brand (alongside WATCHER IN THE WOODS and ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN), I present CONDORMAN!!!

Condorman is the story of Woody, a comic book artist who believes in the realism of his character SO much, that he won't allow him to do anything in the comic book that he cannot do in real life. He believes and stands by that so much, that he built his own set of wings in the beginning of the flick and tests them out by jumping off of the Eiffel Tower. However one of his wings breaks and he ends up falling into the Seine River. Now Woody is friends with this dude Harry who works for the CIA. After fishing Woody out of the river, Harry ends up asking Woody for a favor.

The CIA needs someone other than an agent to do some kind of handoff with another agent in Russia. So Harry enlists Woody to do it after some haranguing. Woody ends up being super excited about the idea and is warned by Harry to knock it off with the Bogart routine. Anyway Woody meets up with the Russia spy who is this hot chick named Natalia. We find out she actually works for the KGB. Woody pretends to actually work for the CIA and says his code name is Condorman. He basically "NAKED GUN"'s his way through a bungled hand off and foils some counter intelligence spy's attempt to kill them. Natalia is impressed and over living in Russia with her shitty boyfriend/bad guy and decides to defect to the US. Her only qualm is that she wants agent "Condorman" to help her do it.

So the Feds are like, Harry, who the hell is Condorman? And he has to figure out how to get the job done and keep Woody from getting killed. But Woody will only agree to do it if the Feds will fund some Condorman style toys fo him such as the Condormobile and the Condorboat. It's ludicrous to think that the Feds would actually spend this kind of money to secure the safe passage of a known enemy spy, but then again, thinking about how much money just a regular old lobbyist in DC makes, maybe its not so ludicrous. So Woody does some rescuing and they travel from Yugoslavia to Italy, to Switzerland (which sounds crazy, but I've ridden those roads in the Alps, and it really is just like passing through states in the mountains. High, beautiful mountains) and then on their way to France to finally return home, they encounter trouble. A real one-eyed bad guy named Morovitch kidnaps Natalia and takes her to Monte Carlo where her bad guy boss/bf Krokov. Woody and Harry are supposed to go home, but Woody makes a last ditch effort to save Natalia.

I don't know if its PC or not these days to dress up like Arab sheiks, but in the 80s they did it all the time (CANNONBALL RUN II, CLASH videos). Anyway that's how Woody sneaks into the Monte Carlo casino and proceeds with his plan to rescue his girl. Twenty more minutes of speed boat chases later and they're snacking on chili dogs at a Dodgers game and Harry's bosses are asking if Condorman might be interested in another assignment. Was there to be a sequel? Maybe, but perhaps we'll never know, because they sure as hell never made it. And you'd be hard pressed to find anyone under 30 who's even heard of this movie. I think it MIGHT be on DVD now. Yep, I looked it up. You're all in luck. Find it. And watch it.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: The Running Man (1987)

"Uplink underground, uplink underground. If you say that one more time, I'll uplink your ass, and you'll be underground!" - Ben Richards

"...Later, she cheated on College exams. Then she had sexual relations with three, sometimes even four men within a single year. Then came Mad Dog Ben Richards, her *Confederate*, her LOVER!" - Announcer

"I live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine!" - Ben Richards

so its 2014... supposedly in 3 years (2017) shit is gonna be wild as hell. Reality television will be even crazier than it is already. Criminals will compete in games to not be murdered by super villain psychopaths. The plot is pretty similar to the much newer movies THE HUNGER GAMES and BATTLE ROYALE but based on an old story by Steven King. Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesse "the Body" Ventura, Yaphet Kotto, Mick Fleetwood, Jim Brown, Dweezil Zappa, and Richard Dawson, I present to you THE RUNNING MAN!!!

So, in the future we have a police state scenario and convicted criminals are televised on game shows for a chance at freedom. I guess that's why they chose Richard Dawson since he had already sent so many people to their deaths on Family Feud all those years ago. Anyway, the show and the people who run it are shady as hell, making up a lot of the shit that they tell about the contestants. They'll do or say anything for ratings. Not really so far off from what we have today anyway right? I could conceivably see this all going down in a few years.

So Arnold is a cop who refuses to shoot a bunch of innocent civilians who are rioting over food. So his pig employers throw him in a sort of concentration camp. He escapes with Yaphet Kotto and a nerd hacker kid. He's asked to join a resistance movement to overthrow the networks, but all he wants to do is get outta the country. He hightails it to his brothers house and finds this hot chick living there. He kidnaps her and tries to split to Hawaii, but she rats him out at the airport and they throw his ass back over to the networks. Dawson is impressed by how ruthless he is, so he asks him if he'll participate in the game show. If he refuses they'll use Kotto and the nerd. So Arnold says ok, only to find out they used his buds anyway. They also took the video from inside his helicopter and chopped it up to make it look like he DID kill all the innocent people. So he's pissed. Now they get sent down this crazy bobsled and attempt to avoid the first "stalker" Sub-Zero. Arnold kills him with barbwire, and the audience can't believe it because no one in the history of the show has ever killed a stalker.

It just so happens that the chick that got him captured works for the networks. She sees a video and realizes its fake and does some snooping around. She sees that Arnold is innocent but she gets captured and then they make her a contestant as well. So they're all thrown in the game and a bunch of stalkers come out to get them. They are trying to get some codes so they can broadcast over the airwaves and tell the audience that they're all a bunch of sheep. Buzzsaw comes after them, but Arnold kills him with a chainsaw. Then this one dude Dynamo looks like one of the Nasty Boys from WWF only with christmas tree lights on his body and he sings opera. He electrocutes the nerd but Arnold flips his rig (which is sweet by the way), BUT THEN DOESN'T KILL HIM BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE. BAM!! Audiences mind is blown again!

So ******************SPOILER WARNING****************after killing the remaining stalkers and having the last one bail, and finding out that the "winners" from the previous years were just killed anyway, Arnold and the chick are kidnapped by the resistance. Dawson fakes their deaths and convinces the audience that "Captain Freedom" killed them in a photoshopped video. Arnold and the chick give the resistance the codes and they storm over to the studio and take it over showing the audience footage clearing Arnold's name, and then footage of the dead winners. Then Arnold storms in (everyone freaks cause they thought he was dead) and then he straps Dawson to the bobsled and sends him off to his fate (which I'll let you find out for yourself). Should you see this? Of course, this is one of those classic 80s action flicks. Do it.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Men at Work (1990)

"There are several sacred things in this world that you don't *ever* mess with. One of them happens to be another man's fries. Now, you remember that, and you will live a long and healthy life." - Louis

"It allows me to seriously aggravate a situation without actually changing the course of history. It also stings like a bitch." - Carl

"Pizza Cong comes with us. Get him on his feet, I'll get Tricky Dick." - Louis

This is a classic. Sure its a brother movie and sure one of these dudes is a total and complete maniac, and sure the other made a ton of classics and then completely disappeared, but none of that takes away from a movie about two garbagemen who want nothing more than to open a surf shop someday. But if they don't figure out what to do after getting themselves into their biggest jam yet, they may wind up surfing their way into jail. I tried to sound like I was the guy who was reading the card for 80s trailers just now. "surfing their way... into JAIL." Emilio Estevez, Charlie Sheen, and Chainsaw from SUMMER SCHOOL as "Pizza Man" in MEN AT WORK!!!

So this one begins with our two heroes, Carl and James, two garbagemen with big dreams of getting out of the garbage racket by next year. They hate their jobs and don't really take it very seriously. I gather this by the way they throw the garbage cans everywhere. Their boss busts their chops for it, but its "cop movie sergeant" laughable. A secondary storyline where some businessman is after a local politician is happening as well. There are 2 local cops who dislike our boys as well as 2 reggae dipshit competing garbagemen who are out to embarrass our boys as well.

One night Carl is spying on his hot neighbor and see who he thinks is her boyfriend beating on her. Its her boss and its a misunderstanding but anyway, Carl shoots him in the ass with a pellet gun. This is the local politician. He gets iced that night unbeknownst to the boys by some thugs working for the scummy local businessman. The boys come back from the weekend of trashing cans and their boss sends his crazy vietnam vet brother'in'law (?)(I think) to accompany and evaluate them. The boys try their best to keep him off their backs to little avail. Suddenly they come across the body of the dude that Carl shot with the pellet gun and think that he's dead because of them. Instead of going to the cops, they keep the body (WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S style) and take it around with them until they can figure out what to do with it.

So they decide to investigate by sending Carl over to meet the lady. He poses as a neighbor and becomes romantically involved with him. They find out she has a tape that the goons were supposed to get from the politician. That means they'll be back. Louis (the vet) and James order a pizza while waiting and when he thinks the pizza man sees too much, Louis kidnaps him. So now James, Louis, the pizza man, and the stiff end up following the girl and Carl and trying to get away from the goons. The girl and Carl are stuffed in toxic waste cans (which is what the whole movie ends up being about in the first place- this businessman's toxic waste) and the other crew gets pulled by the bike cops. Louis pulls the pellet gun on them and ties them in their underwear together on a playground.

So now its up to Carl and James to rescue the girl, rescue them all once they're caught, and clear their names, all the while dodging more cops, goons, and coworkers who rig up lockers that spray shit all over you. I'm into this movie. It's dumb, but its pretty great. Maybe I like it because I watched it back when it came out. I don't know. I have a lot of fond memories of having cable with HBO and The Movie Channel in my room when I was a kid. Should you see it? Its not essential, but if you like reggae soundtracks and funny dude type flicks, you'll dig it.

New Rocknowledgy Episode 40 is UP yall!!!

Alahoyus truest believers!
 It is I Valient Himself back with the Nov episode of Rocknowledgy.... Yeah I'm a few days late. It happens. I was in Europe all month. Anyway, this is a helluva show that me and the T-6000 whipped up for ya. Oh- if it looks like somehow you missed episode 39, its because last month I was going crazy after my dad's passing, and basically just called it the wrong thing. Anyway- the Tribute to my Pop episode is actually 39 not 38. Besides that- thanks to all of you all over the world reaching out and sending me your condolences. I'm so grateful for all the people I've met over the world (and the ones I've only spoken to online...). You all keep me going, with writing, rocking, singing, painting, drawing, thinking, and the fact that you are still around after all these years makes me feel successful in my endevours. Hope everyone had a good beginning to holidays whether you're celebrating Thanksgiving or Chanukah or whatever else was on your plate. Sit back and enjoy, and I'll have something else ready for your stocking come XMESS.
Thanks yall!!

CHECK IT OUT HERE: http://rocknowledgy.libsyn.com/

or here's a direct link fer yer phone! http://traffic.libsyn.com/rocknowledgy/Rocknowledgy_Episode_40.mp3

Episode 40 playlist: T-6000 intro,
 Lucifer's Friend- Natural Born Mover,
 Peter Tevis- A Gringo Like Me,
 Status Quo- Oh Baby,
 The Datsuns- In Love,
 Pat Travers- Rock'N'Roll Suzie,
 Thor- Sleeping Giant,
 Angelo Badalamenti- Red Bats With Teeth,
 Frank Black- (I want to live on an) Abstract Plain,
 Tuff Darts- Rats,
 Al Wilson- The Snake,
 Wishbone Ash- Blowin' Free,
 Orange Goblin- They Come Back (Harvest of Skulls),
 Socrates Drank The Conium- Killer,
 Gogogo Airheart- I Knew (unreleased version),
 Alan Parsons Project- The Eye In The Sky,
 Eddie Vedder- No Ceiling,
 Hawkwind- Master of the Universe,
 Was Not Was- Walk The Dinosaur

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)

"The trained mind does not need a watch. Watches are a confidence trick invented by the Swiss." - Chiun

"It would be better for you to eat this can than what is inside of it. Why must everything in this country be coated with monositi-... monosoti..." - Chiun, "Monosodium glutamate. You can't even say it." - Remo, "I can say "rat droppings." That does not mean I want to eat them." - Chiun

"All I can promise you is terror for breakfast, pressure for lunch, and aggravation for sleep. Your vacations will be two minutes when you're not looking over your shoulder, and if you live to draw a pension, it'll be a miracle." - Conn

An old favorite of me and my pop. Here we have Fred Ward playing an ex cop turned super assassin. This film is based on the "Destroyer" men's novel series that began in 1971. A pretty bizarre little story that was supposed to serve as the introduction to a James Bond style character, in hopes of starting a franchise. When that didn't work they tried a television pilot. Then I guess they gave up. With a cameo by Wilford Brimley, this one always made me smile. I give you REMO WILLIAMS: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS!!!

An ex-military cop gets a call out to some docks and is ambushed. Then his car is dumped in the river and he is presumed dead by his cop friends. They have a funeral for him and all that. When the cop comes to in the hospital, much to his surprise, his face has been rebuilt and some dude is standing over him telling him he's going to now be named after his bedpan. "Remo" isn't having it, so he tries to escape in an ambulance, only to find the dude is in the ambulance. His name is Macready. He takes him to meet his new boss, Wilford Brimley.

Wilford tells Remo that he is now employed by a organization called CURE that operates outside of the government effectively policing it. He says the government is corrupt and its their job to keep them in line. Remo's job will be enforcer (or destroyer if you will). So Mac takes him to his first "assignment". He's supposed to kill the target inside. Remo tells the dude in there to watch out. The elderly Asian gentleman ends up being his target and dodges the bullets fired at him. The target ends up really being his trainer Chiun. He's there to show Remo that he has a lot to learn. And then we see that Chiun doesn't like him very much. Or really he thinks that theres no way he can get such an older man trained in time to be of any real benefit to their organization. Chiun is a master of a rare type of martial arts called Sinanju.

So we have a good portion of the movie devoted to Remo's training. There is much haranguing, jeering, and derision from Chiun who puts the pressure on hard. And in the spirit of ROCKY and KARATE KID, we have several montages of our protagonist finally becoming the man he is supposed to be. Dodging bullets and running across water. However, Remo's training is cut short when Wilford sends over papers requesting him to get info on some dude he's supposed to kill. The dude turns out to be a defense contractor who's making shitty weapons and selling them to the government. But he's a powerful dude cause if you cross him you usually disappear. Also this Major chick is doing some investigating of her own. She sees the weapons fail and questions the guy Grove about it. Grove sicks his boys on her, and they follow her to the Statue of Liberty. They try to kill Remo, but he does some fancy footwork atop the Statue and eludes them. He informs Wilford and Mac and they tell him if it all goes wrong they'll die and if he messes it up Chiun will kill him.

So Remo and Mac dodge dogs and infiltrate a warehouse owned by Grove to check on the weapons and this satellite activates and is destroyed by a laser. Guards come out and capture Mac but not before he slips Remo a disc. Remo then escapes and Mac commits suicide rather than spill any beans to Grove's goons. Wilford confirms that HARP is a fake and Grove can be assassinated. So Remo goes to the weapons test facility and gets locked in a gas chamber with a goon and the Major. Remo kicks the goons ass and uses his diamond tooth to break the glass and escape. They find Chiun and steal a truck with no brakes. As it crashes, Remo and the Major jump out but Chiun can't. He escapes unscathed anyway. Then Remo takes on the bad guys riding a log flying through the air and making it drop onto a jeep. Anyway, I don't wanna give away the very end. But yes, you should check this one out. Its good 80s dude action fun.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Superman II (1980)

"Come to me, Superman! I defy you! Come and kneel before Zod! Zod!" - General Zod

"Guy's a clod. Promises were made, gifts exchanged. I gotta hand it to you, you know. You always told the truth, a guy always knew where he stood with you." - Lex Luthor

"When? Where the hell have you been, mac, on a desert island?" - Diner owner to Superman

This was always my favorite superhero movie as a little dude. For some reason, 3 evil super beings with the same powers as Superman was such an awesome concept. They had the smart general (Zod), the hot female (Ursa), and the oversized brute (Non). Now the version I watched of this for this review was the much talked about "Richard Donner" cut. This cut is a good bit longer with more Marlon Brando as Jor-El and extended footage in the beginning telling more about the Phantom Zone, etc. I think its quite a superior film (no pun intended) to the Richard Lester cut from 1980. No reason to go into the details of why the switched and all that, you can look that up for yourself online. What we have here is a classic film where Superman is not only up against his biggest threat yet, but dealing with his desire to BE a human. Its a well written gem of a flick. I present to you Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, Marlon Brando, and Margot Kidder in SUPERMAN II !!!

This film is a very different film than the first cut that everyone has come to love. Even so, its still a better film. It makes more sense. See Richard Donner also directed the first SUPERMAN movie. They were actually filming them at the same time, so his sense of storyline was completely thrown out when he was let go from the movie. He had filmed 75% of it as well, so when they reconstructed this, it was as his vision was originally intended. Now the flick starts off with Jor-El banishing Zod, Ursa, and Non to the Phantom Zone. Then when Krypton exploded, the explosion sent their weird flying disc prison on the same trajectory as baby Kal-el's spaceship. Then we get a flashback scene from the first movie, showing the missile that Superman sent into space is what actually broke the super villains prison allowing them to escape.

So the villains head toward the moon and wreak havoc on some astronauts stationed there. Then they make their way toward Earth. Meanwhile Lex Luthor is making his escape from jail by hot air balloon and Lois is trying to trick Clark into revealing that he is really Superman. She tries by jumping out of the Daily Planet window but Clark saves her and makes her feel foolish. Then they are sent on assignment to Niagra Falls and she finally tricks him into revealing himself to her. Then they fall in love and Lois begins to go crazy because she can't tell anybody about who he is. Zod arrives on "planet Houston" and destroys a hick town. They fly to Washington and make the president "kneel before Zod". Everyone keeps telling Zod he'll be sorry when Superman comes to town. So Zod challenges Superman and its broadcast over all televisions the world over and they await his answer.

Superman doesn't hear any of this shit though, because he takes Lois up to his house at the Fortress of Solitude and spends the night with her. Then he asks the ghost of his dad what he should do. He decides to become a regular old pecker head shitty human and takes a bath in red Kryptonite. Bad timing. Then they start to head home and Clark gets the shit kicked out of himself in a redneck bar. Then he sees something on television about Zod taking over the Earth. Now he really feels like a shithead. So he goes back to his dad's ghost and his dad's ghost is like,"yeah yeah, I knew this was gonna happen", and he tells him he has to physically USE all the rest of the power in the Fortress to make it happen. And basically after it was done, he could never talk to him again. So he does that. Meanwhile, Lex had flown there and figured out that the fortress was Superman's house, and he then flies to the White House to exchange that pertinent information to the big 3 baddies for control over Australia.

SO... Zod decides Superman's true weakness is his love for the humans. Ursa suggests to him that they take the one he loves the most. So Luthor takes them to the Daily Planet to kidnap Lois. Then Superman shows up to whoop ass. But after a lengthy battle, decides that 3 of them with powers equally matched to his own was too much. He was outnumbered and couldn't win. So he flies off towards the Fortress. Superman knowing that Luthor was a treacherous jerk, let's him in on the chamber that takes away your power's secrets. Luthor rats him out according to plan, so they put Superman in the chamber, but ho-ho! Supes was too smart for them. He reversed the polarity on the chamber and with all of their powers drained, Supes makes light work of them. Then he pulls that reverse time trick and sends them back to the Phantom Zone, Luthor back to jail, and Lois back to not knowing who the Hell he really is. Which was just fine with him. Should you? DUHHHHH.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. (1990)

"I was depressed, I was confused and I was turning Japanese." - Harry Griswold

"At the end of Mercury's next journey, the Dragon shall dance through the hoop of Jupiter. If at that moment the Monkey will ride the Jaguar and the Tiger will feast on the Nubile, the order of the Universe will be such that the Evil One will reign supreme for Eternity!" - Lotus

"I like a dog-faced monkey that has an appreciation for expensive sports cars." - Sgt. Kabukiman

I was so looking forward to watching this for a very long time. I thought for some reason that this was supposed to be a really good bad flick. I assumed since a lot of times when you see a promotion for Troma films you usually have two mascots dressed up or at least a guy in a Toxie mask and a guy in a Sgt. Kabukiman mask. Boy was I ever duped. This is one of those films that takes at least three or four tries even to get started. If you try to put this on and are even the slightest bit tired, you're done for. And maybe that's what you're looking for in a bad flick. Not me jack. This is grade "D" horseshit. I present to you, one for the books, SGT. KABUKIMAN N.Y.P.D.!!!

So apparently in NYC, there's a big underground Kabuki community. Legend has foretold that this old guy is supposed to pass his super secret Kabuki powers to a young actor in this community. However, the dude who was to become the superhero was brutally murdered along with his entire family. So the spirit of this mythic Japanese warrior is just hanging there inside of the old grandfather where unbeknownst to him his beneficiary has just been killed. Enter our protagonist goofball cop Harry Griswold. He narrates the story as if its a film noir. He's investigating the murder of the dude. We are introduced to and can tell right away something is up with this billionaire philanthropist named Reginald Stewart. He is responsible for bringing the Kabuki theater out of the small playhouses and into the spotlight in Manhattan. Meanwhile this chick Lotus is backstage somewhere preparing with her grandfather for the Kabuki actor who was killed to become the new incarnation of the hero that is to save not only the city, but the universe.

This grandfather is sucking down a box of mealworms just as our boy Harry is suckin on a chili dog. We're supposed to surmise that Harry is simultaneously going through the same ritual that this actor was supposed to go through. Lotus is getting super anxious since their dude hasn't showed up to receive his powers and she begs her grandfather to give them to her instead. He goes out for his performance with Harry in the audience, one of the Kabuki guys pulls out a machine gun just as Stewart and his entourage splits. More dudes pop outta the stage floor and fill grandpa full of lead. The audience laughs away and Lotus is screaming her head off. Harry figures it out, starts a riot and charges the stage. A thug tries to kill Lotus, but Harry straddles her and shoots his dick off. Lotus hates Harry right from the start. She throws him on top of her grandfather who kisses him and the magic mealworms jump into Harry's mouth signifying that he is the new Kabukiman.

Now we get another 45 minutes or so of Harry trying to cover up to his coworkers and explain why he's always dressing up in "dresses" and has paint on his face. We get more insight on just how bad Stewart is and what all he's involved in. Fast food chains, crooked churches. He even kills his own nephew. We get Captain vs Harry cop shit, and we get Lotus talking about women's rights. Harry has a cop girlfriend who was getting really close to the case. Finding out more than she should. So she gets attacked in the park and Harry tries to help but gets beat up enough to turn him into the full Kabukiman. Utilizing all his powers such as missile chopsticks, he defeats the thugs, but his girl is sent to the hospital. Stewart sends one of his thugs to the hospital to finish her off.

So over the next hour (this movie's true fault is its length. It should have been edited for sure), Harry decides he can't do anything but figure out his powers. And he keeps getting in trouble with his boss. AND he needs Lotus to help him and there are montages, and they of course fall in love. And he turns into a clown for some reason, and there are chase scenes and there's this part about a shirt thief at the local dry cleaners. Then they catch Stewart in the act but the bungling cops let this one chick loose and then Stewart is able to enact his plan as "the evil one". "The tiger begins to feast on the nubile" as it goes, and Stewart begins to become the Evil One, but Harry gets knocked out. He comes to and begins to fight what looks like the Hobgoblin from Marvel Comics. Luckily Lotus stops the monkey from riding the Jaguar, but did was Harry saved from the resulting explosion??? You'll have to sit through this one to find out! Should you find out? Well, upon second viewing, its not much worse than any of the other Troma flicks which I happen to enjoy... It just suffers from being too long. So... maybe watch it on fast forward.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Evil Dead II (1987)

"Then let's head on down into that cellar and carve ourselves a witch." - Ash

"I don't think so. We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound "fine"? - Mirror Ash

"There's something out there. That... that witch in the cellar is only part of it. It lives... out in those woods, in the dark... something... something that's come back from the dead." - Ash

Sequel or remake? This usually is what people talk about when they are talking about this flick. I guess in the context of the film itself, it doesn't really fucking matter. Is it worth a shit? That's the question we should be asking. In all actuality its probably a bit of both sequel AND remake. A little retelling of the beginning and rewriting and polishing to make it a better story. Is it the best movie ever? No. Is it incredibly scary? No. Is it completely awesome and full of gross out, slapstick horror comedy? Yes. And with that I give you Bruce Campbell in (the middle film of Sam Raimi's trilogy) EVIL DEAD II !!!

So, second verse same as the first right? Not quite actually. In what is supposed to be a recap of the first movie (or so they say) we get a fresh perspective on our hero Ash and instead of his sister and gang of friends, we have his girlfriend with him. Very quickly they get excited for a romantic evening in this old cabin when Ash finds a tape recorder in the bedroom. On this recorder a professor explains he's made a wild discovery with his family in tow. It seems they found "the Book of the Dead" in the back of some castle and he brought it back to this cabin to decode it. He then recites some lines from the book that cause a wicked smoke to rise up out of the woods and give birth to true evil. From there Ash's girl Linda is out into the woods and her head comes off. Ash buries her and then goes back to the cabin where her dead body taunts him all night until he goes insane.

Just before daybreak, he's out in the woods fighting this evil and it throws him through the woods seemingly for miles and he hits a tree and splashes down in a puddle. When he gets up, he's possessed. But the sun comes up and the smoke goes back into the ground and seemingly so does his possession. He passes back out in the puddle for most of the day and then tries to drive his car outta there. No dice, the bridge is out. Suddenly, the daughter of the professor comes back from whereever and meets her dude. They can't get there by bridge so she hires this local redneck and his girlfriend to take them back out to her father's cabin. It seems she had been off looking for missing pages of the book.

Meanwhile Ash has been freaking himself out in the cabin. Talking to himself, seeing things, and finally having to cut off his own possessed hand which is trying its best to kill him. When Annie (the daughter) makes it back, they have to lock him in the basement because they think he's a killer. Finally they realize whats up and the professor's dead wife starts to attack Ash in the basement. They let him out and he ends up having to kill Annie's boyfriend who is also possessed. Then they're haunted for at least another half hour by Annie's dead mom.

The redneck makes them go try to help him find his girlfriend who has disappeared but Ash goes crazy again. Annie stabs the redneck and throws him in the cellar where her mother turns him into gallons of blood that sprays everywhere. Ash almost kills Annie, but sees Linda (his girlfriend from the beginning)'s necklace and transforms back into himself. Then they give each other a pep talk and he glues a chainsaw to his nub and fights off the demons as she recites the missing pages incantation that opens up a portal sucking everything back to the year 1300. Unfortunately it sucked up Ash as well and after quickly dispersing of a screaming flying hideous monster is hailed by the knights as their prophesized hero. To which he screams, "no, no, noooo, no......NO!!!" And this sets us up for the sequel which actually did come out a few years later. Should you? You already should have. Yes.

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Chrome And Hot Leather (1971)

"...no man, you don't get it. You leave when you're excused. Now say it: P-L-E-A-S-E may I be excused?" - T.J.

"Don't worry about a thang boys, its just like pluckin' feathers off a hot hen." - Hank

"Holy Mackaral boy- ya done lost again. The only way we gonna get rich is to own tha casina!" - Jim

Here we have a motorcycle movie from 1971. The only thing different from this biker flick from any other biker flick is that usually we have someone from one of the biker gangs is one of the heroes. Or possibly we have a skirmish betwixt two different biker gangs and we see who winds up on top. This one is young veterans vs. biker gang and it paints the bikers in a negative light. There was a time when the biker was glorified and this shows the turn that begun to show bikers as more trouble than they were worth. Possibly stemming from negative newspaper articles and books such as Hell's Angels by Hunter S. Thompson, the wild biker was now the enemy, not some bohemian ideal lifestyle. Starring MARVIN GAYE (!), today I bring you CHROME AND HOT LEATHER!!!

Mitch a his squadron of Green Berets have just been released to head home from Vietnam. Mitch's girlfriend and her friend and driving down some long stretch of what looks to be Sedona or somewhere in the desert in California. They run afoul of a biker gang called the Wizards, and one of the bikers decides right then and there to make an example of them. He ends up running the girl's car off the road after smashing in their windshield with a chain whip killing both of them instantly. After being yelled at by the group's leader TJ, they hightail it outta there before anyone sees them and go into hiding.

So Mitch gets home and realizes his old lady has been murdered. He of course vows revenge. First things first. He goes looking around for any motorcycle gangs that live in the area since the person who found her saw some iron horses riding off from the scene while the car was still down in the ravine smoking. One part I don't understand is how exactly are all of those Green Berets from the same town? They were all just drinking together in a bar in Bangkok asking where they are all going, and Mitch is the only one who mentions going "home" to his girl. Seems unlikely that they were all from like Riverside, CA. Anyway, they hear about this gang called the Devils and then almost get into a fight in a bar with some other bikers asking about the Devils. So they decide to ditch their army fatigues, and buy matching red Kawasaki's(?) to fool bikers into thinking they're a gang. Only problem? They don't know how to ride.

So they head out to the desert and learn to ride these Kawasaki's in the sand. A brief montage later and they are pretty prolific. Then they're back out looking for the Devils. They split up and arent' having much luck until they come by this old gas station and Mitch meets up with some of the members of the Wizards. He follows them back to a bar they frequent and Mitch actually gets in with the chick of the dude who killed his old lady. By this time there's a power rift growing between T.J. (the leader) and Gabriel (the dude who killed the chicks). Gabriel thinks TJ is getting soft but TJ whoops his ass and shows him how soft he is. He even grants Mitch the alone time he needs with Gabriels chick. And Gabriel splits sulking.

Eventually Mitch meets back up with the other berets at the gas station and he fills them in. Then they go to an old friend in the military and secure all the bombs, guns, rockets, and whatever else bullshit they need to spook and beat the hell out of this biker gang. Then there's a whole big set up and they trap them up in the mountains and scare them and if you really wanna know the end, you'll just have to check it out yourself. Problem is... Should you? Well, I can't say that I fully back this one. There are at lease 100 other ones that are probably better. That's all I'll say. But if you like biker trash, go for it!

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Watership Down (1978)

"All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed." - Narrator

"I'm in a mist! Everything's bad! Oh, I've got a funny feeling in my toe! *Hraka*!" - Bigwig mocking Fiver

"Look. Look. That's the place for us. High, lonely hills, where the wind and the sound carry, and the ground's as dry as straw in a barn. That's where we ought to be. That's where we have to get to." - Fiver

Wow.  I started this review a good long while ago.  Then I got super busy.  Its been a long time, but I've watched a shitload of flicks and kept notes, so prepare yourself to be immersed.  It is the holiday season though and maybe we'll all have time to catch up on some old favorites.  This film is based on a book written by Richard Adams, the same man who brought us PLAGUE DOGS.  Although this story deals with displaced rabbits instead of dis(mis?)placed doggies.  Anyway, its not nearly as heavy as PLAGUE DOGS, but in the vein of animated apocalyptic animal movies such as SECRET OF NIMH, or ANIMAL FARM, this pill should be easily swallowed.  I give you WATERSHIP DOWN!!!

So there's a quick prologue telling us that the animal god Frith made all the animals and ended up getting pissed at the prince of rabbits because he wouldn't control his rabbit constituency.  So Frith made rabbits taste good to a great many other animals.  But then just to give them the upper hand and be kind of wishy washy and fucked up the ways some gods can be, he made them swift and cunning and said, "yeah they'll be alright."  Fast forward, and we have this psychic weakling rabbit named "Fiver" who starts running around telling everyone they have to get the hell out of there because something bad is going to happen.  The only one who vaguely believes him is his brother Hazel.  They decide to go tell the rabbit mafia "the Owlsy", but they tell them to bugger off.  Hazel gives in to his brother and decides to help save as many as he can and they convince about 8 to come with them but end up having to fight the rabbit cops to get away.  Worse than that?  The only chick with them gets eaten by a hawk on day two.  BUMMER.

One of the Owlsy rabbits Bigwig comes with them.  Then they end up meeting this other rabbit named Cowslip who invites them to come hang in his "warren" with all his boys.  But Fiver thinks this is a bad plan and him and Hazel split.  The rest of the group kind of wants to stay and just as Bigwig is giving them the business for "making waves", he gets trapped in a snare and almost dies.  They get him out and realize that those other rabbits trick outsiders into coming to their spot and a farmer feeds them and protects them if they give him sacrifices.  Which doesn't make any fucking sense to me.  How did they strike this deal with the farmer?  Sounds suspect.

So they find a bunch of chicks at this one farm but they can't rescue them b/c the animals are too tough.  Then they actually find the "watership down" warren that Fiver has been seeing in his visions.  Hazel becomes the chief and they start hanging out with this pelican.  The pelican tells them they need chicks and he'll go scout out the farm for them.  Hazel gets shot, but the pelican helps him and tells them he found another dangerous warren full of chicks for all of them. They find a wounded rabbit cop named Holly from their old warren who tells them they shouldn't go to this Efrafan warren because its a totalitarian state and ran by a bunch of pricks.  So here's where the facade falls away and we realize its definitely about politics.  No SMURF analogies here, its right in your face.  So Bigwig infiltrates the Efrafan warren and becomes a rabbit cop again and starts spreading the word that he's their to rescue the chicks.  There's this HUGE rabbit boss named General Woundswort and he's tough.  Bigwig gets the chicks to split with him and with help of the bird they escape down river and back home.

So the Efrafan rabbits track them back to the watership down warren.  They tell them to surrender the escapees and Bigwig.  Hazel tells them Hell no, but then the Efrafan rabbits take siege on the warren.  Fiver passes out and has a vision about a dog.  Hazel gets the idea to let loose a dog to kill all the Efrafan rabbits, but he's worried that it'll kill his warren too.  So he prays to Frith to take his life for his warren.  Frith hears him but leaves it up to him.  So Hazel looses the dog and it comes and breaks up a heinous fight between the General and Bigwig.  The General tries to take on the dog and we'll leave it there.  Check it out for yourself and see what becomes of the watership down warren.  Should you?  Yeah if you can score a copy.  It should be easier to find than PLAGUE DOGS, and you'll cry less as well.