Sunday, September 20, 2009

bad/awesome flixxx review: Seizure

Get a load of this turd from 1974.  And to whom do we owe the great displeasure that is festering before our eyes?  Well, it could be Jason, since he decided to rent it from Netflixx, but really and truly the blame shall fall squarely on the gourd of Oliver Stone.  Yep, this was his first screenplay and directorial debut.  For some reason, people really dug this at the drive-in's back in the day.  Actually, it was probably a lot better that way... But man, this thing really sucks.  Its about a dude who is a writer, and every summer his wife gets a bunch of creepy friends together for this weekend.  There's this Count and his wife, a rock dude, an old rich guy and his hot wife, some dorky teen dude, and their young son.  Ok, so the writer dude is writing a kids horror story?  and he keeps having dreams about something that makes him really jumpy and sweaty.  Everyone in this movie seems like theyre perpetually on painkillers.  The old rich dude has some classic lines, but other than that there's little build.  Then all of a sudden, the little dude from Fantasy Island (yes, him again) comes crashing in the window and just starts beating the hell out of everyone in the room.  The old chick spreads some goop on her face after talking to her dead husband in a mirror and then turns super old and jumps out the window.  The writer, trying to get out of the room he's locked in, shoots the dork kid in the head.  Then a huge disfigured black russian executioner kills the babysitter.  Then the rock dude gets fucked to death by the hindu queen of evil.  So whoevers left gets told by the 3 visitors that they are fucked, and that they have to try and survive the night, but that only one will be left when the morning comes.  The lil midget says, "Stop gwaveling! you cannot pway to god, because he hates you!  you might as well pway to me, because I hate you too."  Hilarious.  then they make the survivors race around the lake.  They kill the rich guy, the hot babe tries to split, then they make the writer and her have a fuckin knife fight.  She gets her throat cut.  Then the wife of the writer is pissed at the writer cause she says its all his fault.  The count dude (who somehow watches his wife commit suicide, but then has all the info on who these creeps are) goes outside and gets his head chopped off.  The evil queen tries to fuck the writer, he says no, but then his wife teases him, and then she fucks him one last time, then kills herself.  But then her ghost tells the queen that she has to kill the writer, not her son.  So the fucking dude wakes up like its all a dream, then for some reason, he's asleep again, the kid tries to wake him up but he's dead from a heart attack!  PURE HORSESHIT!  AND there wasn't even a fucking seizure in the whole movie!!! what the fuck was that about?  I guess no one wouldve watched it if it was called Midget Monster Snorefest. Minus 2 Thumbs.

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