Friday, March 19, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Conquest (1983)

perhaps the WORST WORST movie I've ever seen EVER. with probably the BEST movie posters I've ever seen. I seriously started and tried to get through this movie over 10 times with no success... until today. Separating the men from the boys, I give you Lucio Fulci's CONQUEST.

well, where to start. wow. wow wow wow. First of all, this is the foggiest movie of all time, and I'm not just talking about the script. They must've filmed with fog machines running constantly. The landscapes in the flick are beautiful. Apparently Fulci split to Mexico to film most of the scenes. There's some cool shit in the beginning where they film a scene twice, once with the actors and once with just the background so that they could fade the actors away and make it look like a dream. It starts off with this old man giving his son (Illias) a bow that was handed down from Kronos. And its a magic bow, but the kid has to learn how to use it so he can shoot lasers from it. Then cut to a scene where there are some hill people praying to the sun, and this chick (Okrun) is standing on the hill and chanting, so everyone thinks she is the one making the sun rise. She is mostly naked and wears a Golden Destro mask like from GI Joe. Ok, so when the sun comes up, her henchman, which are dudes in black destro masks, dudes in monkey masks, and some talking werewolves chase the hill people into a cave and ask them for a sacrifice. This old man is like, "take me" and the werewolf goes "no way, we only like young flesh" and then smashes the old man's head open and it looks like a pizza! Then they grab this naked chick who's covered in gray paint, and they rip her in half by pulling her legs apart. Then they take her head back to Okrun, who smashes the head open and drinks the brains out like a crunk chalice. Then the werewolves smoke this powder, and blow some into Okruns nose, and then she masterbates with a snake, and has a vision of Illias with no face shooting her chest open with a laser arrow. AND THATS ALL IN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES!! so you can see how i THOUGHT this was gonna be a killer flick. I was wrong. ok, so then we see this hill chick by the water, and a snake is about to get her, but Illias shoots it thru the head with an arrow, with henchman watching him. They are blown away by his bow, and they decide to steal it. The chick runs away, and they attack him. Then this old guy comes outta no where with some weird rabbit foot nunchucks and beats the shit outta the werewolves.

the old dude is named Mayx. He's a traveler with babes here and there. He has fake birds that fly around a show him the way. The chick tries to kill them over and over, trapping them in caves and whatever. Then when she fails, she transforms this dog into this ultimate killing god who looks like he raided Rob Halfords wardrobe. His name is Zora. Zora sends a bunch of water mummies and snow gleeps to try and kill our heros, and eventually they kill Illias, but when Okrun tries to eat his brains, his eyes open proving his spirit lives on. This was achieved when Mayx burned his body and covered his own body in his ashes. Then he just goes to the hill, and summons the bow, which flies thru the air into his hand and bang, he kills her and she and Zora turn back into wolf dogs, and run away into the sunset. Fuck man. If you love burning poisoned pussy skin boils, fighting shapeshifters, creepy ol snow gleeps, snake masterbation, wookie-like werewolves, titties, ambushes, and laser arrows, well, download this somewhere.

and if you can't find it, don't worry, i could probably be arrested for boring you all to death if you could actually make it through it. Ladies and gentleman, the worst movie I've ever seen. thank you.

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