Wednesday, March 31, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Moonraker (1979)

the 11th James Bond flick, Roger Moore takes the franchise all over the fucking world and I guess you could say "out of this world". This rewatching may have just changed my favorite Bond film from Octopussy to Moonraker. This one's got it all.

This one starts out with a space shuttle (the Moonraker) being hijacked by a couple of dudes. The shuttle is being transported on top of a plane, and when the rockets ignite, it burns the plane to bits. The shuttle was on loan to the UK from the US. Bond is on a mission somewhere and gets attacked by a pilot in a different plane. Then Jaws comes outta no where and pushes Bond outta the plane with no 'chute. James nosedives to the pilot and steals his fucking 'chute midair! Then Jaws tries to grab him, but fails and falls into a circus tent (presumably surviving). M & Q call James in and send him to California to see Drax, the company and dude who built the shuttle.
This hot pilot gives him a tour, then introduces him to Drax who couldn't be more of a douche. Then he's sent off with Holly Goodhead an astronaut. She shows him a centrifuge and Drax's main bodyguard Chang tries to kill James by turning up the juice. But James uses this wrist gun Q gave him to put the ki-bosh on that plan.
Then James bangs the pilot and splits to investigate. She comes in & helps him find a glass vial made in Venice in the safe, but Chang spots them. The next morning, James is invited shoot quail with Drax, and instead he shoots a sniper out of a fucking tree foiling another attempt on his life. Then he splits. Then Drax sics his dogs on the pilot and she's history. Bond sees Goodhead in Venice, and is like, wtf? and then he gets chased by Drax's droogs thru the canals. His gondola transforms into like a hovercraft and he escapes driving it thru the famous Piazza San Marcon. After he finds this lab, and snoops around, these scientists drop one of the vials and kill themselves. So he figures out that the vials contain some deadly gas. He stashes one in his pocket. Then Chang tries to kill him. He throws him out a fucking window. Then he bangs Goodhead & tells her he knows she's with the CIA. Then Drax makes a call to hire Jaws. Then he tries to bust Drax, but Drax moved all his shit to Rio De Janeiro. M and the other head MI-6 dude are pissed and embarrassed, but Bond gives M the vial for Q to analyze. M says go to Rio and don't come back until shit is savvy. So Bond goes to Rio, and immediately bangs his hot contact Manuela. Then he catches up with Goodhead again, after she split on him in Venice. They are trying to get down off a mountain, and Jaws attacks them on a cable car. They kick his ass, and Jaws gets rescued by this tough scandinavian blonde chick. They fall in love. Then James is rolling around in the grass with Goodhead and they're captured by Drax's henchman. But Goodhead gives the dude the eyes in the back of the ambulance while Bond kicks a fire extinguisher making it go off in the dudes face. Then they roll out the back on a hill, and the dude crashes into a billboard. Bond has escaped. He reports back to MI-6 in Brazil dressed like Eastwood in Fist Full of Dollars, and they tell him the gas comes from a rare orchid deadly to humans found on the Amazon river. Bond goes looking for it, and is chased by Jaws and more dicks. James shoots bombs out of his fancy boat, and then takes off in a fucking hang glider before the boat goes over these huge waterfalls. Jaws goes over. James finds Drax's hideout, filled to the brim with trim if you know what i mean. Then Jaws grabs him, takes him to watch the show. 4 Moonrakers take off, and they tie James and Goodhead to the bottom of the 5th one and Drax explains that he stole the other shuttle cause one of his others had faulty wiring or something. They plan to burn the agents up on liftoff. James of course escapes, and the two jump aboard the 6th shuttle. Then while all of the are going into space...(luckily Goodhead had all that astronaut training) they dock on a space station that doesn't show up on the radar. You finally hear Drax explain his plan to bring all these genetically "perfect" couples to the space station to start a new "master race", ejecting all the globes of poison gas around the earth to kill everyone else and replace them with his new "race". James and Goodhead go up and disable the radar jamming thing. Then when they are caught, James asks Drax one last thing, "will everyone not meeting standards be annihilated too?" And Jaws freaks out cause of his teeth, and "Dolly's" glasses, and their weird heights, so he just starts beating the shit outta the guards. Then theres a huge space battle with laser guns. I forgot to mention a huge snake fight, and the one agent using a laser gun to melt a mexican dummy's head. Then they have to go collect the poison globes, and escape, and goddamnit, just rent it, ok? Its incredible.

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