Monday, July 26, 2010
bad/awesome flixxx review: The Crippled Masters (1979)
"Two crippled brothers, one indestructable force. Revenge against all odds!!" So reads the box of our next masterpiece. For this segment of my all time favorite bad flicks, I went Black Belt Theater on yer ass. This may not be the best kung fu movie of all time, but it definitely is the weirdest, and it definitely is my favorite, and it definitely sticks out in anyone's mind who has ever seen it. A man with no arms, and a man with (sort of) no legs are- THE CRIPPLED MASTERS!!!
So, let me tell you a tale. Once there was an bad organization of bad dudes. one of them- Lee Ho, betrayed the organization. So when the flick starts, you see Lee Ho getting his arms chopped off. As a matter of fact, the first thing you see is his bloody arm dropping to the ground. Its amazing. Then the other dude (Tang) is like, "chop his other arm off..." And they do. Then he rolls down the steps, and then gets treated like shit in the restaurant, and the bouncer kicks his ass. They take him to the coffin maker, but he is still alive. The main bad guy (Lin Chang Cao) sends his right hand man (Pao) and his two main bodyguards (Black and White) to go get some coffins. They see Lee Ho, and kick his ass some more. He escapes to the woods, and is unsuccessful trying to eat rice from chickens, and after being caught eating hogslop, decides to make it in the village doing oddjobs. So then for some reason, Tang is accused of knowing too much?! and Lin Chang Cao (the evil bastard) pours acid all over Tang's legs, and they're literally turned into just bones w/ little feet on the end. Its gross. So he splits to the woods too. Too bad he runs into Lee Ho out there... Lee Ho sets out to beat the shit out of him, and the battle escalates into a cave, but luckily for Tang, they here something and find this little old man balled up inside a basket. He tells them to stop fighting and that he knows that they used to work for the organization, and that if they want to beat Lin Chang Cao, they should team up, and that he will train them. So then you have a long training montage, and then they meet up with this other dude, and well, I don't want to give away the whole thing. Let's just say, there are jewel thieves, Eight Jade Horses, Lin Chang Cao has this weird metal hump on his back, and what else? The fucking fight scenes are great. Its really well organized and choreographed for dudes with no arms and little stick legs. Wait'll you see them team up like those special transformers. Its nuts. It doesn't get much more bad/awesome than this. I should devise a rating system. Ill do that very soon. its great. that is all.