Wednesday, March 31, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Moonraker (1979)

the 11th James Bond flick, Roger Moore takes the franchise all over the fucking world and I guess you could say "out of this world". This rewatching may have just changed my favorite Bond film from Octopussy to Moonraker. This one's got it all.

This one starts out with a space shuttle (the Moonraker) being hijacked by a couple of dudes. The shuttle is being transported on top of a plane, and when the rockets ignite, it burns the plane to bits. The shuttle was on loan to the UK from the US. Bond is on a mission somewhere and gets attacked by a pilot in a different plane. Then Jaws comes outta no where and pushes Bond outta the plane with no 'chute. James nosedives to the pilot and steals his fucking 'chute midair! Then Jaws tries to grab him, but fails and falls into a circus tent (presumably surviving). M & Q call James in and send him to California to see Drax, the company and dude who built the shuttle.
This hot pilot gives him a tour, then introduces him to Drax who couldn't be more of a douche. Then he's sent off with Holly Goodhead an astronaut. She shows him a centrifuge and Drax's main bodyguard Chang tries to kill James by turning up the juice. But James uses this wrist gun Q gave him to put the ki-bosh on that plan.
Then James bangs the pilot and splits to investigate. She comes in & helps him find a glass vial made in Venice in the safe, but Chang spots them. The next morning, James is invited shoot quail with Drax, and instead he shoots a sniper out of a fucking tree foiling another attempt on his life. Then he splits. Then Drax sics his dogs on the pilot and she's history. Bond sees Goodhead in Venice, and is like, wtf? and then he gets chased by Drax's droogs thru the canals. His gondola transforms into like a hovercraft and he escapes driving it thru the famous Piazza San Marcon. After he finds this lab, and snoops around, these scientists drop one of the vials and kill themselves. So he figures out that the vials contain some deadly gas. He stashes one in his pocket. Then Chang tries to kill him. He throws him out a fucking window. Then he bangs Goodhead & tells her he knows she's with the CIA. Then Drax makes a call to hire Jaws. Then he tries to bust Drax, but Drax moved all his shit to Rio De Janeiro. M and the other head MI-6 dude are pissed and embarrassed, but Bond gives M the vial for Q to analyze. M says go to Rio and don't come back until shit is savvy. So Bond goes to Rio, and immediately bangs his hot contact Manuela. Then he catches up with Goodhead again, after she split on him in Venice. They are trying to get down off a mountain, and Jaws attacks them on a cable car. They kick his ass, and Jaws gets rescued by this tough scandinavian blonde chick. They fall in love. Then James is rolling around in the grass with Goodhead and they're captured by Drax's henchman. But Goodhead gives the dude the eyes in the back of the ambulance while Bond kicks a fire extinguisher making it go off in the dudes face. Then they roll out the back on a hill, and the dude crashes into a billboard. Bond has escaped. He reports back to MI-6 in Brazil dressed like Eastwood in Fist Full of Dollars, and they tell him the gas comes from a rare orchid deadly to humans found on the Amazon river. Bond goes looking for it, and is chased by Jaws and more dicks. James shoots bombs out of his fancy boat, and then takes off in a fucking hang glider before the boat goes over these huge waterfalls. Jaws goes over. James finds Drax's hideout, filled to the brim with trim if you know what i mean. Then Jaws grabs him, takes him to watch the show. 4 Moonrakers take off, and they tie James and Goodhead to the bottom of the 5th one and Drax explains that he stole the other shuttle cause one of his others had faulty wiring or something. They plan to burn the agents up on liftoff. James of course escapes, and the two jump aboard the 6th shuttle. Then while all of the are going into space...(luckily Goodhead had all that astronaut training) they dock on a space station that doesn't show up on the radar. You finally hear Drax explain his plan to bring all these genetically "perfect" couples to the space station to start a new "master race", ejecting all the globes of poison gas around the earth to kill everyone else and replace them with his new "race". James and Goodhead go up and disable the radar jamming thing. Then when they are caught, James asks Drax one last thing, "will everyone not meeting standards be annihilated too?" And Jaws freaks out cause of his teeth, and "Dolly's" glasses, and their weird heights, so he just starts beating the shit outta the guards. Then theres a huge space battle with laser guns. I forgot to mention a huge snake fight, and the one agent using a laser gun to melt a mexican dummy's head. Then they have to go collect the poison globes, and escape, and goddamnit, just rent it, ok? Its incredible.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Trancers (1985)

"His name is Deth. He hunts Trancers. Even in the 20th Century." Such is the tag line of this totally amazing flick that I remember hearing about years ago either on like Joe Bob Brigg's Drive-In Theater or USA's Up All Nite with either Gilbert Godfried or Rhonda Sheridan. Hopefully it was Sheridan. Rrrowr.

Totally got more than I bargained for with this little gem. I do remember hearing about it, but at the time not giving a shit. How was I to know that this flick resembles the same kind of sci fi noir vibe of any Philip K. Dick book (of whom which I'm currently obsessed with)? Much like a cross between Blade Runner and Terminator, the story starts out with a "trooper" dressed in long beige detective duster coat named Jack Deth. He's out checking for "Trancers" in the 23rd century with a pistol and a little device he slaps on their wrists. Trancers are people whos minds are taken over by a criminal psychic named Martin Whistler. So somehow, after catching and 'retiring' a trancer, the three main judges in Angel City (LA in the future) call a meeting with Jack. They tell him that somehow Whistler has found a way to be ported from his own body back into one of his ancestors bodies back in 1985. There he plans to kill the ancestors of the judges who put him away. So they are freaking out and decide to send Jack back in time to save their own lives. Before he splits, he shoots the body of Whistler so that he can't be sent back "down the line". If Jack kills him in the past, hopefully he'll be stuck and die. Then they give Jack a special watch that gives him a "long second" in case he gets in trouble. He can push a button on it and slow down time and possibly escape a sticky situation. This is very reminiscent of the package given to the dude trying to save his wife and the religious figure in Philip K. Dick's book Counter Clock World. So he splits back to 1985 and hunts down Whistler. His ancestor's girlfriend just happens to be Helen Hunt. She's pretty bangin in the flick, but then again, she's always been pretty bangin. No reason to tell any more really, I highly recommend looking up this super bad awesome title. For a little more info, I looked it up, and there's been 5 sequels so far, all staring Tim Thomerson as Jack Deth except for Trancers 6 which was supposedly about his daughter. And everyone says its dogshit. There is a petition online to get Charles Band, the original director to direct Trancers 7, which some dude wrote a screenplay for. I signed it b/c fuck it, you know? If you want to sign it, go here: TRANCERS 7
Enjoy partyers! and thanx for the comments and suggestions! Keep em coming!!
yrs, Valient Himself

Friday, March 19, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Conquest (1983)

perhaps the WORST WORST movie I've ever seen EVER. with probably the BEST movie posters I've ever seen. I seriously started and tried to get through this movie over 10 times with no success... until today. Separating the men from the boys, I give you Lucio Fulci's CONQUEST.

well, where to start. wow. wow wow wow. First of all, this is the foggiest movie of all time, and I'm not just talking about the script. They must've filmed with fog machines running constantly. The landscapes in the flick are beautiful. Apparently Fulci split to Mexico to film most of the scenes. There's some cool shit in the beginning where they film a scene twice, once with the actors and once with just the background so that they could fade the actors away and make it look like a dream. It starts off with this old man giving his son (Illias) a bow that was handed down from Kronos. And its a magic bow, but the kid has to learn how to use it so he can shoot lasers from it. Then cut to a scene where there are some hill people praying to the sun, and this chick (Okrun) is standing on the hill and chanting, so everyone thinks she is the one making the sun rise. She is mostly naked and wears a Golden Destro mask like from GI Joe. Ok, so when the sun comes up, her henchman, which are dudes in black destro masks, dudes in monkey masks, and some talking werewolves chase the hill people into a cave and ask them for a sacrifice. This old man is like, "take me" and the werewolf goes "no way, we only like young flesh" and then smashes the old man's head open and it looks like a pizza! Then they grab this naked chick who's covered in gray paint, and they rip her in half by pulling her legs apart. Then they take her head back to Okrun, who smashes the head open and drinks the brains out like a crunk chalice. Then the werewolves smoke this powder, and blow some into Okruns nose, and then she masterbates with a snake, and has a vision of Illias with no face shooting her chest open with a laser arrow. AND THATS ALL IN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES!! so you can see how i THOUGHT this was gonna be a killer flick. I was wrong. ok, so then we see this hill chick by the water, and a snake is about to get her, but Illias shoots it thru the head with an arrow, with henchman watching him. They are blown away by his bow, and they decide to steal it. The chick runs away, and they attack him. Then this old guy comes outta no where with some weird rabbit foot nunchucks and beats the shit outta the werewolves.

the old dude is named Mayx. He's a traveler with babes here and there. He has fake birds that fly around a show him the way. The chick tries to kill them over and over, trapping them in caves and whatever. Then when she fails, she transforms this dog into this ultimate killing god who looks like he raided Rob Halfords wardrobe. His name is Zora. Zora sends a bunch of water mummies and snow gleeps to try and kill our heros, and eventually they kill Illias, but when Okrun tries to eat his brains, his eyes open proving his spirit lives on. This was achieved when Mayx burned his body and covered his own body in his ashes. Then he just goes to the hill, and summons the bow, which flies thru the air into his hand and bang, he kills her and she and Zora turn back into wolf dogs, and run away into the sunset. Fuck man. If you love burning poisoned pussy skin boils, fighting shapeshifters, creepy ol snow gleeps, snake masterbation, wookie-like werewolves, titties, ambushes, and laser arrows, well, download this somewhere.

and if you can't find it, don't worry, i could probably be arrested for boring you all to death if you could actually make it through it. Ladies and gentleman, the worst movie I've ever seen. thank you.

Monday, March 15, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Deadbeat At Dawn (1987)

Pretty much the total opposite of the last movie I reviewed (Rockers), this movie is not awesome at all, and almost 100% bad. let's say it's 99% terrible, but still has just enough moments of excellence that make it perfect for review. Dudes and other dudes, i present you with DEADBEAT AT DAWN.

Man, this is a stinker. Don't get me wrong, there's enough shit in here to keep me interested, but its pretty fucking heinous. Often suggested (many times by my old buddy Raf) Deadbeat At Dawn is set in Dayton, Ohio, and even though it was written, directed, and produced by the main character Goose (Jim Van Bebber) in 1987, it looks like it was made after the apocalypse happened. I mean I've seen old footage of Akron, but you really start to get a feel for these old burned out cities when watching this flick. The story starts out with a chick speaking with a psychic. She says something that doesn't matter at all, basically you're supposed to dig that this chick is into some voodoo shit. Then when she's trying to split, this bad looking dude grabs her and forces her into a car. The dude is Danny, the leader of a gang called the Spiders. The chick is Christie, the girlfriend of Goose, the leader of rival gang- The Ravens. A cop saves the Christie, but Danny gets away. Then, word gets back to The Ravens and they go to the cemetary to make a move on the Spiders. Danny hates the fucking Ravens bad. So Danny and Goose have it out knife fight style in the cemetary. Goose gets his hand and face cut, but he beats the shit out of Danny. Everyone gets away. Christie cleans Goose up, but then he splits and beats a dude up and steals a motorcycle. Christie tells him she's gonna leave him if he doesn't quit the life. So he says fuck it, and quits the Ravens. Then he goes out to make one last deal (selling a huge block of speed) so that they'll have some bread to start a new life. While he's out, 2 of Danny's goons go over to the pad and murder Christie. On the way over, some of the best dialogue EVER happens which is this:

ok, so then Goose wraps her bloody carcass in a sheet and throws her in a fucking trash compactor! Then he goes across town and breaks into his dad's apartment which is just fucking filthy. His dad is a fucked up Vietnam Vet who is freaking out and turns out to be a junkie. Heavy scene showing him shooting up into his toes made me gag. Then Goose is all feeling sorry for himself, and he tries to kill himself, but his 2nd in command (who's now the leader of the Ravens) shows up and beats the crap out of him and tells him the gangs have now joined forces and theyre gonna rob an armored car. And I won't ruin the ending for ya, but there's a good bit of ass kicking and blood splattering left. The budget was low, so you don't get a dude thrown into a moving train like you REALLY want... but there are some dream sequences with dead girlfriend skeletons, and snakes everywhere, and some nunchucks, and throwing stars... Not sure how to rate this one. I mean, it WAS torture to sit through, but that's sort of the criteria for this, isn't it? Wow, I don't know. I'll bet if i didn't watch this totally sober, it may have been better. How can I sum this movie up? Two words: Kaleidascope transitions.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Rockers (1978)

Nothing at all "bad" about this film/pseudo-documentary. Only awesome... Set in Kingston, Jamaica in 1978, ROCKERS follows Leroy "Horsemouth" Johnson (the drummer for Burning Spear) around while he's hustling "like rain drops".

A near perfect flick, ROCKERS began as a documentary of the booming reggae/dub scene in Jamaica in the late 70s. The film features many dudes from the period many call the "peak" of that scene including Burning Spear, Gregory Isaacs, and one of my favorites Big Youth. The cinematography is simultaneously beautiful and unique and the subtlety in which some of the scenes are shot is genius. Looking it up, apparently this dude Ted Bafaloukos didn't make anymore movies. That's a shame. Story follows Horsemouth (a session drummer) while he's trying to borrow enough money from buddies and his old lady to buy himself a motorcycle. He figures he can make some bread if can sell 45s for the record company. But first he needs wheels. And then after he gets the wheels, first and foremost, he must get the Lion of Judah painted on the side. Then "Iman" goes to the record company to convince the man to give him 200 records to sell. When he gets them, he goes around selling 45s to the shops in Kingston. Then he goes to a party, and his bike gets stolen! Then he's bummed. Basically the plot moves from "the Bicycle Thief" to "Robin Hood". One of the best scenes is when he's bummed out and he goes to his buddies house to tell him someone "thiefed" his bike. His buddy says, "I and I will go out, fuck it." and they go down to the river and sit on the bank and light up 2 joints, and then his buddy sings him a song. Its so KILLER! Highly recommended for a laid back stoney night. Here's a bonus clip from the movie. Its a scene where Kiddus I is in the studio recording vocal tracks. His voice is so powerful. cheer up cheer up cheer up Rockers!!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: Thriller: A Cruel Picture (or "They Call Her One Eye") (1974)

Alahoyus everyone. Today, I tackled a monster of a horrible flick. Horrible because it was horrible, and horrible because what happens to the chick in the movie is pretty heinous to boot. The first movie ever banned in Sweden, Broskeeto's and a's, I give you THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE. (the trailer is for the dubbed for English version renamed THEY CALL HER ONE EYE.)

I had heard about this flick for quite some time after the release of KILL BILL, b/c it was supposedly a big influence on Tarantino's double feature. THRILLER just so happens to be the nastiest femme fatale rape and revenge flick I've ever seen. Its so rough, that when they dubbed it in in English, they took most of the penetration scenes out and renamed it. The story goes that there's this little girl, and she's running up to this old dude in the park... He picks her up, swings her around in the air in slow motion, and then blood starts coming out of his mouth. Then they arrest him. Simple as that. You don't even know what happened until the next scene, fast forward 15 years, and she's selling milk on her parents farm to gossiping old ladies who say, "isnt it a shame how she was raped 15 years ago. and also isn't it horrible that now she's mute." Yeah its that bad. So she actually has no dialogue throughout the whole movie. Her old man goes, "why don't you catch the bus and take the weekend off". She misses the bus and is picked up by the slick dude who takes her out for drinks. Then he takes her home and drugs her. Then she wakes up 3 days later, tries to run away, he knocks her out and drugs her again. When she wakes up again, its been over a week, and he tells her she's hooked on heroin and he'll give her 2 hits a day to survive as long as she does what she's told. She tries to split again. Then she's too weak to get away, the cycle begins again. When she wakes up for her first "assignment", she's to pork this old dude, but she scratches his face all up. Then the pimp dude comes in and cuts out her eye. So she complies. She meets the other chick, who's been there a while... Then she starts saving her bread, and takes karate lessons, driving lessons, shooting lessons, and hand to hand combat from some army dudes. (No word on how or why she's being let split from her fuck cave). Then one day the pimp dude says the other chick left for Beirut, but One Eye goes to the chicks room and the bed's covered in blood. Then more training, then more sex. Then more training, then more sex. Then over weeks, and weeks and montage after montage of dirty, D grade porn penetration shots and her getting beaten up by johns (and a "jane") intermitten with her training to kill all these dudes, she buys a car and a bunch of skag to last her, and then goes about her business of killing. I won't ruin that skree, but hear me out, there are some pretty weird scenes that come up. The choice of slow motion for all the killing is very strange. I reminds me a bit of peckinpah, but they go on for SOOOO long... there's seriously a 6 or 7 minute slow motion scene of an ass kicking she gives some cops just so she can steal their cop car. The blood spurting out of the mouths kind of reminds me of the slo-mo shots that guy ritchie used in SNATCH. Was it worth it? Yeah, I always like to see the really bad guys fucking die horrible deaths, but the end is kinda weak, and left me with a few questions. Really, if I had it to do over again, I wouldve watched the dubbed version and not had to see the gratuitous stuff... not that i don't enjoy dirty things... but this was some really awfully shot love making. stay classy.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Mechanic (1972)

alahoyus brollums y broskeetas. here before you lies an amazing gem of a movie. I was trying to remember when and where I first encountered this tale the other day when watching it for the first time in many years with Sadat Thorr. Today, I give you Charles Bronson and Jan Micheal Vincent in "The Mechanic". (Don't be confused by the trailer, when it was rereleased overseas, it was retitled "Killer of Killers".)

The Mechanic was the first collaboration between director Micheal Winner and good ol Chuck Bronson. They went on to create the classic vigilante series "Death Wish". This flick however was a bit more stylish, albeit a bit typical in the "hired killer" genre. I personally dig this one better than Death Wish and its sequels. Bronson plays Arthur Bishop, a hired killer who is starting to feel over the hill after he suffers an anxiety attack that makes him faint at an aquarium after some little kids are clanging pipes against a railing. Bishop's father got him into the business, and when he is forced to put a hit against his father's old business partner, he inadvertently strikes up a friendship with the hit's son (Jan Micheal Vincent). Vincent is curious about Bishop and tags along with him, chiding him and trying to figure out what Bishop's "action" is. Bishop brings him along for a couple days until he trusts him and then eventually lets him in on the secret, thinking he could use some help after his accident. But his bosses don't dig it, and then the flick gets good. Let's see, we have some elaborate kills with meticulous planning, a badass motorcycle chase, a speed boat chase, airplane loopdy loop tricks, an Italian mountain car chase, lots of falling off cliffs, scuba diving, shotguns, pistols, sniper rifles, automatic weapons, tons of explosions, kung fu, teenage suicide, and tons more. I can't recommend this enough. Definitely a fun flick if you dig bounty hunter movies. more coming soon!