Saturday, April 30, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (1983)

"Are they missing any limbs? I hate it when they have missing limbs."- Chemist

"What do you think I am, you scrawny earthbag? I'm a woman!"- Niki

"I love yer planet."- Wolff

I found a copy of this on VHS in Flagstaff on vacation. I'd heard of it years ago, but it never made it to dvd over the years. Portions of it were shown in 3D at the movies in when it came out. I don't understand why they did that back then. I know a lot of people who don't like 3D movies. I don't really care personally. If it can make a cool flick look cooler, great, if it can make a shitty flick look kinda cool, even better. Some of them do suck, but I don't see the point in making a FEW scenes 3D. I remember one of the Freddie movies (Nightmare on Elm Street sequels) was like that I think.
But I digress. This movie got overlooked because there were a ton of great flicks that came out in 1983. This one wasn't one of those. However is DID have some amazing looking sets. It was pretty boring though and I found myself falling asleep and had to retry to watch it 3 times. A young Molly Ringwald, Peter Strauss, Ernie Hudson and ol Michael "Scanners" Ironsides himself try to make an epic space pirate rescue flick in SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE!!!

So the flick starts out with a planet blowing up. The only survivors are 3 hot chicks who escape in a rescue pod and land on a nearby habitable planet. Only problem is the planet is overrun by some dudes who look like they were all fucked by radiation and some of the creepiest fucking kids I've ever seen. They all hum in unison and sway back and forth holding lighters up like they were trying to summon Poltergeists from another dimension to play "Freebird". So a distress call is sent out that these chicks need rescuing and the man who makes it happen can win 3000 megacredits. That's big money in the 22nd century. So our hero Wolff, a down on his luck bounty hunter gathers up his fuck-robot Chalmers and heads for the mystery planet.

When he gets there there's a battle underway by these badguy space pirates driving land-ships with sails thru the desert and kidnapping the chicks to take back to their cyborg master the Overdog. They are being fought by some dudes called the Scavs who are basically just the people left on the shitty planet who are fucked and would have the chicks for themselves to scrounge up some loot to get off and away from that wasted existence. The pirate dudes get away in these crazy dive-bombing bird skiffs that are like rocket powered hang gliders. Wolff hauls ass in search of them in his weird jeep called the Scrambler.

On his journey he is almost carjacked by a teenage Molly Ringwald who is an orphan "scav". He catches her and she convinces him to bring her along so she can help him track the chicks. She's really mouthy and loud. They're almost killed by some blobbish people who live in cocoons and then again by some hot water nymphs and this big ass sewer dragon. Also, Wolff's old war buddy Ernie Hudson drives up in this Plow truck and they fight over who's gonna get the bounty thru the rest of the movie.

Finally they reach "the zone". And the Overdog is sending slaves into the pits to fight so that everyone who is rich can laugh. You know, just how it is in real life here on Earth. And finally he's getting ready to bang the chicks and steal their energy, but Wolff and Ernie and some scavs who have these badass roofed motorcycles save them. But then Molly Ringwald falls into the Overdog's maze and manages to get thru it, thinking he was gonna let her go. But of course, he lied, and now she has to get her energy sucked out. Then Wolff comes out and stabs him in the chest with an electric cord or something. I mean, the dude didn't even have any legs! How hard could he have been to fight. And since when did anyone do ANYTHING for someone that demanding who really couldn't get them if they said, "fuck you!" Those people were pussies basically. I would NEVER have let that Overdog push me around. They had all those catwalks above him... Anyone could've just dumped water on his head and electrocuted him long ago. Anyway. One other thing was, if the planet blew up, who sent out the distress signal to the bounty hunters? How did anyone know to come get those chicks? HAHA... Those were just a few of my thoughts.
I don't really recommend this one... But the sets were pretty rad. They could've filmed a better movie on them. hahaha.

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