Wednesday, June 29, 2011
bad/awesome flixxx review: Lady Terminator (1989)
"We've seen more dead bodies than you've eaten hot dogs, so shut up and eat. "- Max
"Joe bought it."- Max
"Fuck you, you vile sea bitch!"- Snake
"Tub- my buddy."- Joe
"Snake- get the Panzer."- Max
"Ima get drunk tonight, I just won a ton of money at the races!- Redneck in bar
"Hey pretty. You too pretty. Yall wanna party? Whatsamatter wanna see it first?"- Redneck in bar
"Hey bartender, do you sell beer in here, or just MILK, har har!- other redneck
Wow. It took me long enough to get around to this one. I guess the trailer just doesn't do it justice. This fucking movie made me laugh all the way through. Basically what we have here is an Indonesian Terminator rip-off mixed with some local folklore about a witch called the South Sea Queen. Classic shit. No one you've ever heard of in - LADY TERMINATOR!!!
So, this movie (which also goes by the name Nasty Hunter) starts off with a scene from the ancient past of a lady who can't be satisfied by any man. No matter how many she fucks, she can't figure it out, so she just kills them after she's finished. She somehow kills them by having a snake come out of her vagina and eat their weiners off. Then one day, this dude comes in and he's giving it to her. Man, he's just... going for it. So while she's creamin, the snake starts to come out and this dude GRABS IT! and then it turns into a knife! The "South Sea Queen" screams that he tricked her and she curses him and claims she'll have her revenge 100 years later on his great granddaughter. Then she splits into the ocean.
Fast forward to the late 80s. There's this chick named Tania and she's a grad student anthropologist. She goes to the library, reads up on it, ignores the librarians warning, rents a boat, ignores the captains warning, and then goes diving in the south sea. Then a huge wave kills the captain, and then she's on a bed at the bottom of the sea, and tied down, and then a snake goes up into HER vagina. Then she walks naked out of the sea, and up to some punkrockers on the beach and fucks both of them and takes their weiners. Then she goes to "recharge" in a hotel in front of a painting of the queen and lightning shoots out of her eyes and then she kills another dude. Meanwhile there's this cop and he's in a flashback scene where he meets his old wife in a bar. Some rednecks try to hit on her and beats them up with the help of his friends Snake and Joe. Snake has the coolest mullet ever.
ok, so then fast forward to now, and he's gotta go with some other detectives and check out the stiffs with no weiners. Then we meet the great granddaughter who is a rock singer. She has on some necklace which is supposed to protect her? Doesn't make sense. Also theres an uncle who comes out of nowhere to help. The Lady Terminator tracks her, kills her friend, takes a fake necklace and gets pissed. She comes to the "pub" to kill her, but Max and the cops get the girl out, but not before one of them gets shot. Now we have a serious chase through the mall with loads of innocents getting killed. They make it outside, and somehow Max opens a car door, and grabs an M-16! How did he know that. And well, maybe it was his car, but why would he have an M-16?! BOOOOM. Basically 5 minutes of explosions. The terminator chick grabs a car and chases them to the police station, where she proceeds to kill at least 50 or 60 riot geared cops. Oh theyre all blasting her with machine guns, but nothing works. Finally the weird uncle throws the necklace at the termi's eye and she goes down. Then she gets up and kills him... but she is hurt. Max and the girl get away. Max tells her about his dead wife. Then he fucks her. Then lady terminator goes to a hotel, CUTS OUT HER OWN EYE, then fucks and kills another dude to rejuvenate her juices. Apparently she can't be satisfied either.
So this all leads to another massive showdown that lasts for probably 30 minutes. I've never seen more gunfire in a movie, I'm talking helicopters, panzer tanks, you name it. Max finally calls in backup from America, and Snake comes running with a group of dudes. Anyway. They burn the termi up but it STILL doesn't stop her. Finally when almost everyone is dead, The young great granddaughter somehow finds or grabs the snake knife from somewhere... maybe the lady termi's hip??! and shoves it in her. Then she tries to grab it, and it just flies out the window into the sea. Max and her live happily ever after. This movie is totally insane. Unintentionally hilarious and filled with the goods. Try and find it if you can, but i'd just try to download this one, because i've only scene it once in like Minneapolis and the dude wanted over 50 bucks for it. YEAH RIGHT!!