Thursday, June 23, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Wicker Man (1973)

"I think I could turn and live with animals. They are so placid and self-contained. They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins. They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God. Not one of them kneels to another or to his own kind that lived thousands of years ago. Not one of them is respectable or unhappy, all over the earth."- Lord Summerisle

"The building attached to the ground in which the body lies is no longer used for CHRISTIAN worship, so whether it is still a CHURCHYARD is debatable"- Ms Rose

"You'll simply never understand the true nature of sacrifice."- May Morrison

We visited Stonehenge the other day and it just so happened to be on the eve of the summer Solstice. Right before we arrived we came upon a huge statue of a man bowing toward the sun, and some dudes up on a ladder decorating his head with a huge crown of flowers and vines. I thought that was weird- it had to mean something, and then we saw acres and acres of fields staved off and being made ready for the thousands of people who would come to see the sun rise between the two pylons at Stonehenge. It just so happened that I had a copy of this creepy old flick on my computer that I had watched a hundred times growing up. This has always been one of my favorite horror/thrillers partially because it seemed totally feasible. There are no monsters, just people who believe what they believe, and that can be terrifying. Christopher Lee, and many hot young English women in THE WICKER MAN!!!

Virgin, Christian Police Sergeant Howie is the laughing stock of his home on the mainland in Scotland. He receives a letter from nearby island SummerIsle from a woman who says a young girl has gone missing but no one seems to care or has tried to do anything about it. Without much thought, Sgt Howie flies his little boat plane over to the Island to do a little investigating. Upon arrival, he receives a very cold welcome by the men by the docks. First they tell him its private property, and then he has to threaten them to send him a dinghy so he may come ashore. When he does, he asks everyone if they've ever seen the girl (Rowan Morrison), and they say no. But they send him over to a candy store/post office where a May Morrison lives.

May Morrison says she has no idea who he's talking about. But the other daughter says she knows Rowan, but that she's a rabbit. Then he starts getting pissed. He goes about asking more questions but receives answers as riddles. Finally deciding to stay the night, he goes to the green Inn, and again is mocked by the patrons and innkeep. The innkeeps daughter is hot as shit. So they give him a room and feed him supper from cans that make him wary, because SummerIsle is known for their apples and great harvest. He also notices that every year there is a girl pictured with the harvest except that year. The innkeep says the frame was broken. He goes to sleep with the sound of the innkeeps daughter Willow being fucked and a bunch of hippies playing soft folk jams downstairs.

Howie keeps investigating and discovers that the inhabitants of the island don't worship his beloved Christian god, but favor the pagan gods of old. He goes to the school, and then he goes to the cemetary, and then to the old man who takes the pics. Then he finally goes to see Lord Summerisle (Christopher Lee). Summerisle takes pleasure in explaining to him that his grandfather brought the plants to the island after discovering that it had perfect temperature to grow those exotic seeds. He said before that, they were a barren poor land. He then divulged that he believed in those old gods stories as well. Howie goes to the graveyard, digs up Rowan's grave, finds a rabbit in it, then freaks out and goes to Summerisle's house to yell at him. Summerisle is playing piano with the school marm and just basically laughs in Howie's face.

Howie spends another night at the inn, but deduces that Rowan may not be dead yet. He tries to go back to the mainland, but they've sabotaged his plane. So he decides to tear the town apart looking for Rowan. He beats the shit out of the innkeep and dresses up like Punch, the eternal fool. Then he heads out to the beach along with everyone dressed up in these creepy fucking masks. They bust open a cask of wine to the ocean god, and then march up to the top of a hill. THEN... the little girl shows up in a cave. Howie runs up the hill revealing himself and tells the girl to run, she says follow me, and leads him through the cave to a hole in the top. When they get up there, Lord Summerisle and the town are up there and explain to him that he is the biggest fool, the exact stupid jesus freak asshole that they were looking for all the time, who came there of his own accord, and it was all a big ruse so they could sacrifice his dumb ass to the harvest gods. AWESOME. Then they strip him, put robes on him, and he turns around and sees it: THE WICKER MAN!! Then they burn his ass alive with some pigs and sheep while he prays and they dance and sing below. This movie is totally amazing and has a ton of young nude women and a great creepy folk soundtrack. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. and PLEASE don't get this confused with the stupid remake. I'd probably NEVER watch that. Even though is probably is more suited to this blog. the bad part anyway. CHEERS.

1 comment:

  1. Genuinely one of the best horrors ever. I've seen it over and over.
    You are right, though...The Nick Cage remake would be more suited.