Sunday, December 4, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Barbarella (1968)

"And our password will be... Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch." - Dildano

"Then you're a dead duck. - Guards! To the Mathmos with this winged fruitcake." - the Great Tyrant

"An angel does not make love, an angel *is* love." - Pygar

"This is a much too poetic way to die." - Barbarella

Unbewievable. Jane Fonda was a goddamn fox in this. This is an irrefutable fact. Pretty much there isn't anything else to say. Its basically all about how fucking hot she is. Like twenty other chicks turned this role down. And I'm SO glad they did. I'm not sure any of them could have played this as well. Fonda has oft been quoted as wishing she didn't do it only because she turned down roles in Rosemary's Baby and something else that were hits, while this flopped. But fuck that. If this was the only flick she ever made, it would've went down in history. Jane Fonda, John Phillip Law, and a ton of French dudes in BARBARELLA!!!

Imagine Heavy Metal (the animated movie) coming to life. Well it did. Sort of. Barbarella was a French comic strip that came way before Heavy Metal. Jane Fonda just so happened to be married to director Roger Vadim, so after Brigette Bardot (his wife before her) turned it down, I guess he talked her into it. And guess who produced it? That's right! Probably the baddest ass producer of all time! Dino De Laurentiis. Barbarella is pretty much like a female version of Flash Gordon. Funnily enought Dino ended up directing a cinematic version of Flash Gordon about 15 years later as well. BINGO! So Barbarella is some kind of space agent or intergalactic ambassador from Earth dispatched to do a bit of dirty business. And NO not that kind of dirty business. Even though she ends up doing that kind. She never even had before if I understand it correctly. Well not like our dirty minds think of it anyway. Let me start over.

In the future, A drop dead gorgeous space ranger named Barbarella does a strip tease and then gets a call from the space president of Earth. He says, listen, go to the city of SoGo (I guess a reference to Sodom/Gomorra) where everyone is wicked and bring back this dude named Duran Duran (no shit). Duran Duran has built some kind of space laser, which surprises Barbarella because apparently in the year 40,000 AD they haven't used weapons in a long time. Also they haven't used sex. Which brings me to the dirty stuff. Apparently on Earth now they eat a pill and place hands together and somehow psychically bang each other. So Barbarella flies her spaceship to some planet called Tau Ceti. It kind of looks like Hoth with all the ice and snow. Two creepy twins hit her on the head with an ice snowball and take her to a place where other kids are. The kids try to sic their biting dolls on her but luckily she's rescued by this dude named Mark Hand "The Catchman". The Catchman is this tough dude who goes around collecting bad kids I guess. The name would have scared the shit out of me as a kid. "Watch out for the Catchman!" Anyway, he talks Barbarella into fucking him the ol fashioned way as a reward. TIGHT!! Then he fixes her ship and she splits.

Then Barbarella's ship drills into the planet like in the old cartoons. But then it breaks down again near some kind of underground labyrinth. Then she gets knocked out by a landslide. Then a blind angel named Pygar finds her. Pygar has lost his will to fly. His boss, some old wizard Professor Ping promises to fix Barbarella's ship. Then some Black Guards try to kill her. Pygar saves her, and then she bangs him. She digs him you can tell. So when she wakes up in his nest, he's all flying around because her vagina gave him the will to LIVE (and to fly)! So she talks him into flying them out of the labyrinth which is like a prison of punishment for people who are cast out of the wicked city. Which I don't understand. If you're supposed to be wicked, does that mean those who are cast out are all good? It seems that way. Anyway, they have to destroy the Black Guards in these funny spaceships with weapons the president sent Barbarella from the weapons archive. So they get there, and these rapers wanna rape Barbarella (rapers wanna rape, ha!) but she's saved by this hot one-eyed chick who calls her "pretty pretty", which I think is a great thing to call chicks. Then Barbarella saves Pygar from some thugs. Then this dude named the Concierge traps them and takes them to meet the ruler of SoGo who is called the Great Tyrant. Turns out the Great Tyrant is the same one eyed chick, except she has 2 eyes. And she's bangin. She wants to fuck either of them, but they turn her down. SoGo is set atop a weird sentient lake called the Mathmos which is alive and feeds on evil. Barbarella is sent to die by birds, and Pygar is sent to the Mathmos. Barbarella is rescued by a front of dudes (a rebellion) headed by a guy named DILDANO (!) Ol Dildano wants a reward, but HE actually wants to bang with the pill like the Earthlings do. Barbarella splits to try to help the rebellion and is caught by the Concierge again while she is smoking some 'ESSENCE OF MAN' (yeah seriously).

The Concierge tries to play a piano that actually fucks Barbarella to death, but her love-making is so good that she burns the machine out. The Concierge is so pissed that he reveals he is Duran Duran aged over 25 years by the Mathmos. That means he's FULL of evil. Dildano gave Barbarella an invisible key to get in the chamber of dreams to kill her which is the only time she is vulnerable. Duran Duran fakes allegiance to get access to the chamber and then locks Barbarella in with the Tyrant and goes to take over SoGo for himself. Then the rebellion happens, but Duran Duran uses his Positronic Ray to blast everyone. But unluckily for him, the Great Tyrant releases the Mathmos from inside the chamber and all of SoGo is swallowed up forever... except Barbarella and the immediate things around her. They are vomited up by the Mathmos because of her inherent goodness. Ditto for Pygar. And then Pygar flies both chicks out of there. Barbarella asks him why he saves the Tyrant, and he SAYS its because "angels have no memory" but really, I think he wasn't blind at all, and just wanted to bang both of them at the same time. You know the Tyrant was down. Should you watch this? If you are a lover of women and science fiction, you should own this. Are you a man or a mouse?

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