Thursday, December 15, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Never Too Young To Die (1986)

"I'm gonna poison their water supply! For gold! For ransom! For jewels! For money! AHHHHHahahahahahahahah!!!" - Velvet Von Ragnar

"I've figured out how to access their computers to re-channel radioactive waste so it goes from Diablo Canyon... into their *drinking water*. " - Ragnar

"What kind of designer-drug are you on? How is Lance mixed up in all this? " - Drew Stargrove

Talk about an action packed turd of a flick! This was suggested to me long ago by readers, and I finally found a copy in the last few weeks... however, I've been buying so many, I couldn't tell you where I bought it. Maybe in New Orleans. Either way, FUCKING MONEY'S WORTH!! James Bond spy set up with "son of" inclinations. Starring a very young John Stamos (about a year before FULL HOUSE started), Vanity (from THE LAST DRAGON fame), and Gene Simmons as a hermaphrodite!!!! You can't miss NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!!

*****(I did today's bad/awesome movie review in conjunction with the SHOW SHOW podcast hosted by Miles and Katie- I don't think this episode we taped is up yet, but when it is, it can be found HEEEEEEEEERRRREEEEEE.)*****

First off, this movie was distributed by the fine folks at CHARTER Entertainment. A few weeks back I reviewed another flick distro'ed by them from the same year called WHAT COMES AROUND (a Jerry Reed flick). I looked everywhere for the trailer for WHAT COMES AROUND on the internet, but the best I could come up with was a song that Jerry performed under his character's name (Joe Hawkins). But lo and behold, the first trailer that comes up on the VHS is for WHAT COMES AROUND. I'm going to video it with my phone and post it up for all the world to see. Its the little things in life that count. OK- back to this one... This flick starts off with a young Stamos getting ready for his big day training as a gymnast in his high school. It seems to be a private high school because all of his friends live in dorms. His roommate is a dude that plays the "Data" role a la "Data" from THE GOONIES. Its the old 'young Asian super smart inventor' cliche. If he looks familiar, its because he was in everything (THE GOLDEN CHILD, MACGYVER, 227, MIAMI VICE, THE A-TEAM, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, BRAINSMASHER, GLEAMING THE CUBE...tons of shit). There's so much build up with the gymnastics that I thought we were gonna get a little GYMKATA action. But no luck. What we do get is Gene Simmons as a bad guy leader living in a rock quarry with a buncha desert biker gang tweekers, who just so happens to be a burlesque jiving hermaphrodite. Did I mention he's looking for a disc to help him poison the city's water supply? Oh, well he is.

You see Stamos is Lance Hargrove and unbeknownst to Lance his dad just so happens to be Drew Stargrove, one of the governments top secret agents. There's even a "Stargrove" theme in the beginning of the flick. Strange details make this flick worth it. Somehow, in the beginning, Ragnar (Simmons)'s assistant Riley (Fucking Robert "Freddie Kruger" Englund) has lost the "disc" that will allow them to poison the city. And it's super confusing as to whether Stargrove is a secret agent, or some kind of super thief when we first see him, because it looks as if he's breaking into a bank underground. Either way, he's betrayed and taken to face Ragnar. Somehow he smuggled the disc away and mailed it off to his son in a care package. So Stargrove is killed by Ragnar. Lance goes to his funeral and notices this bangin chick crying over by the other mourners. When he goes to see meet his dad's assistant Corruthers, he finds out he's inherited some farm upstate.

So Lance decides to go up to the farm. When he gets there, he sees the chick Danja Deering (Vanity- what kind of name is that?!) and she gets ambushed by a bunch of those MAD MAX biker goons. She immediately begins capping dudes and then has to take her shirt off. ARE WE GOING TO SEE THOSE BOOBS SO DESPERATELY PONDERED UPON THROUGHOUT THE DURATION OF THE LAST DRAGON?? We shall see. For now though she teases up shooting dudes in a big grandma brassiere for like 5 minutes. After this scene, Lance says something to the effect of her being one of his dad's "pieces" and she smacks the shit out of him. Lance wonders why all this is happening, and Danja tells him his dad was a spy, and might have been killed by a burlesque dancer. Then he finds an underground lair under his old man's bed. Then he follows Danja to a club. Then we see the most disturbing burlesque show that has probaby EVER been recorded by anyone ever. Gene Simmons is especially creepy when he keeps yelling, "YEEE-AH!" At this club he uses one of "Data's" chewing gum "bugs" to bug Ragnar's room. Ragnar quickly finds it and throws it in a toilet. But then they blow up his motorcycle. He escapes, and borrows Data's bike. Then he hauls ass to catch up with Danja.

They play some cat and mouse games, kill some more bad guys, and then the head of the agency or whatever and Carruthers want to lure Ragnar out to get the disc. So they post Lance and Danja at the house and put them under surveillance. Danja is thankful for Lance saving her, so she puts on a bathing suit and starts hosing herself off. Lance tries to stop his sexual urges by eating an apple, and pacing around. But this girl is ready to pounce. You wouldn't have had to ask any other man alive twice. She's so dirty hot, and he's acting like a total kook. She takes her top off, and he's like FUCK IT. SO THEN BANG!! THERE THEY ARE. Vanity totally bares it all in the "D" grade flick. Totally awesome. It gets hot and heavy, but then Carruthers sends a helicopter in to "check" on them. Turns out Carruthers is really RAGNAR! WHOOPS! How could they not tell through that "really great" fake orange wig and mustache/beard combo?? Anyway, Ragnar gets them, and finds the disc in the motorcycle and then there's a big fight, Ragnar kisses Danja (YEAH), tries to kiss Lance (BOGUS), and then Lance decides that even though he has no training whatsoever, he's going to be the hero. So he fights the big goon, and Ragnar splits to poison the water supply (finally). Does he do it??? I'll not ruin the end of this one for ya, but I will say this- Vanity's titties aren't the only titties you get to see by the end of this flick!! GROSS!!! BIG FINISH! Should you see this? ABSOLUTELY if you can find a copy. Make it happen. Pure cheese at its best. Word.

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