Monday, January 16, 2012

Bad/awesome flixxx review/theater: Creepozoids (1987)

"Real water?? If this works.... C'mon, gimme a break, its not contaminated! If this is poison, GIVE ME MORE!" - Bianca

"This soldier's optioning herself into a shower, for a couple hundred light years." - Bianca

"Amino Acids... they're building blocks of human life. Those are the ones the human body can't make by itself." - Jake

WOW. What a piece of shit. We all know how I feel about bad flicks. I of course love them, along with pretty much everything that entails. The bad acting, dialogue, lighting, set dressing, complete lack of plot, etc. I can sit through and have sat through some HEAVY SHIT. BUT... this is one of those flicks that seems like no matter how I look at it, there just isn't hardly any way to save it from being completely bad (WHICH IS STILL GOOD TO ME). Way more bad than awesome. Not even scream queen Linnea Quigley's tits could save this one. And that is just about its only redeeming quality. What you have here is a pretty bad ALIENS rip off. The tag line was, "YOUR FLESH WILL CRAWL RIGHT OFF YOUR BONES!!", when it should have been- "YOUR BRAINS WILL MELT RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD IF YOU HAVE ANY AT ALL LEFT AFTER WATCHING THIS." Starring Linnea Quigley, AN UNBELIEVABLE SOUNDTRACK! and a cast of unknowns in CREEPOZOIDS!!!

Five young AWOL soldiers are running through a nuke ravaged abandoned city in 1998, 6 years after a nuclear war that reduced the Earth to super bad movie sets including darkened warehouses, garages, and office building's storage closets. The five are seeking shelter from an acid rain storm that is about to descend upon them and suddenly they stumble across a warehouse that was once used a team of scientists. The scientists were doing experiments on humans in hopes of making the human body not need amino acids so it could live for longer on less food- therefore fixing a food shortage/ world hunger problem.

There's one dude who is an ex bio chem major who can at least figure out how to work the Apple II/DOS computer in the office. He figures out that the place is an old lab facility. Linnea Quigley finds a shower and goes right to it grabbing the one meathead and ripping her shirt off, and losing no time getting naked and wet for everyone. The nerd finds a cage under the computer, crawls in it by himself, and this dude in a really REALLY bad fat rubber Alien suit bites him or pushes him or something. Something happened in there.... but it was dark. Anyway, they go to find him and he's...... in his bed and ok? But then, over brunch, his hand swells up and he starts puking blood out of his eye sockets. Everyone is rightfully upset.

The two dudes who are left are macho and they wanna go after what got their buddy. So they try to figure out the computer and one of them spots the cage door under the computer. The main macho man goes in, they can't stop him! They're women! He's a man! He's tough! He's- screaming like a baby and getting chased for the rest of the movie. There really isn't too much else that goes on in the flick. The monster chases them, they chase the monster, people split up, another one dies. The shower meathead goes into a room to cut the power back on that mysteriously went off, and A GIANT RAT COMES TO EAT HIS HAND!! These rats prove to be some relentless little mothers for the rest of the flick.

I would finish giving you the end of the thing, but if you're up for some torture, you can view the whole movie on youtube- right here, right now below this paragraph---- 2 words. shit sandwich... NO- 2 words: Alien baby.
Go for it, you've been warned.


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