Saturday, September 29, 2012

Bad/awesome flixxx review: Rocktober Blood (1984)

"Mmhmmhahahaha...blood....I want your hot...steaming....pussy blood... all over my face...hahahaha" - Billy Eye

"Yer crazy Billy, Mary's hanging up there dead and you want me to sing..." - Lynn

"No I'm not sayin yer crazy, you sign the paychecks, you want me to see Billy Eye, I see Billy Eye." - Security dude

Talk about a pile of bullshit.  If ever there was a hard one to get through.  I kept thinking, this is supposed to be awesome.  Ryan from Municipal Waste stood by this one.  My boy Bay Bay stood by this one.  This HAS to get better.  They were full of shit or pulling a fast one on me, jack.  This definitely starts off funny as Hell, but runs hard into the ground- FAST.  I fell asleep like six times trying to get through it.  Before I finished, Ryan said, "Yeah, the beginning is great, then it loses steam, but THE END IS GREAT."  Yes, that's a direct quote.  But, NO ITS NOT.  Don't be fooled.  A ton of motherfuckers you've never heard of, except for maybe all of the dudes in the never was band Sorcerer, starring in ROCKTOBER BLOOD!!!

This one begins with singer of this band named Billy Eye belting out a suuuuper long, "yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" and then commencing to sing the full lyrics for his band's song "I'm back" while his friends look on in the recording studio during the opening credits. As soon as he's finished, he's like, "I'm out." and his girl Lynn is like where are you going, and he says, I got a date with a hot chick, I'm gonna go bang her. And Lynn says, did you tell her you wrote the songs for her like you did me? And he says yes of course, she's an idiot just like you. And laughs in her face. Then she goes to sing some back ups on this horrible song called "Rainbow Eyes" that must play about 18 times in this movie. The engineer tells her she's hating it, and really, let's be honest, who in the fuck begins recording vocals at 3:30 am? No one. So she decides to go hit the jacuzzi, and after being denied an invitation, the engineer goes to the "game room". Then he gets iced playing pinball. Then this killer (who wears big boots) kills the receptionist chick and tries to get Lynn, but she locked the door. Also, Lynn takes at least 5 baths in this movie. Upside for you is that she looks pretty nice naked. Downside for you is that's the only upside. So she gets out of the jacuzzi and comes down and finds Billy smoking a joint and laughing hysterically behind the board. She doesn't expect him and he makes some puns about the others being dead, and then she freaks out and he attempts to kill her but a cop busts in and then- flashforward!

Then we get a "two years later" card and now Lynn sings for the band who call themselves Headmistress. We get a cartoon version of a "VJ" who informs us everything we need to know to catch us up to speed. Billy Eye went on a rampage and killed over 20 people before being captured and then put to death. Apparently it was Lynn who identified him before the court. So the VJ is interviewing Lynn and some dude in a mask tells her to meet up with the tour manager Nigel (singer of Sorcerer) in the office. She goes to meet Nigel but the masked guy is there and he takes it off and BOO! It's fucking Billy Eye, looking stoned again and laughing maniacally. Personally I don't think Billy is that scary. I'd have just hit him over the head with something but Lynn ends up crying on the floor. So Billy Eye stalks Lynn for about 45 minutes too long for anyone in their right minds to handle. He keeps killing people and making Lynn look like an doofus because everyone saw Billy dead. Her friend convinces them to dig up his grave. You would think that she would REALLY feel like an idiot when they find that he was really dead, and she does... UNTIL Billy shows up again. Jokes on her though, it was his crybaby "I'm the genius writer" twin brother all the time! So he knocks her out and shoves her in a casket on stage. He reveals himself to everyone onstage and the band- INSTEAD OF FREAKING THE FUCK OUT- the drummer goes, "just play I'm Back!" and so they do. Then he almost kills Lynn, but the big security guy smashes a guitar over twin brother's head. End of movie. This is bad, but as always, in this business, bad is good. I think.

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