Friday, May 3, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Convoy (1978)

"Piss on you, and piss on your law." - Rubber Duck

"You oughta be shot right where you're standing! So help me if I had a gun, I'd do it myself!" - Cottonmouth Wallace

"This piece of white shit! I knew I should've bought myself a black truck!" - Widow Woman

Really and truly this is nothing but Sam Peckinpah creating a SMOKY AND THE BANDIT except for Smoky is driving a black 18 wheeler instead of a black Camaro in reference to the 1975 country song "Convoy". BUT it IS directed by Sam Peckinpah and stars Kris Kristofferson, Ernest Borgnine, Paulie from ROCKY, and TC from CARWASH, so join me and check out CONVOY!!!

The Rubber Duck is a truck driver and he's hauling ass and this hot chick in a Jaguar pulls up beside him and they race a bit. "RD" gets pulled and I think the Jag actually pulls over a bit ahead. RD tells the copper that the girl had no panties on and she was flashing him. The copper is horny and lets RD go and goes to get the chick. She gets pulled, he passes her by and meets up with a few other truckers he knows, Spider Mike and Pig Pen. A trucker ahead of them tells them that its ok to haul ass again and they speed up but it turns out the trucker was a cop tricking them over their cb's. Copperhead Wallace pulls them and tells them to pay him 50 bucks each or get big tickets. He makes them pay even more for shit talking him. Then they leave and split down to a diner they frequent.

Now the whole time they're doing this, they are shittalking Wallace on their cb's knowing full well that he's out there listening to them. They go check out the diner, and RD has a girlfriend waitress who works there. The chick in the jag is broken down there and hanging too. Wallace pulls up looking for trouble like Ben Affleck's character in DAZED AND CONFUSED. Just a real prick. So RD is getting some ass in his truck, Pig Pen and Spider Mike start making fun of Wallace again and he is searching the lot. They try to tell RD to chill out and get back in there, but Wallace goes in and starts harassing the other guys. Spider Mike has no bread and only wants to get home to his pregnant wife, but Wallace tries to arrest him after he can't pay his "shittalking fee" which is basically extortion. Finally RD peels himself away and comes in to try to smooth things out. Wallace insults Mike and Mike punches him. Then some other cops come in and it starts a full on knockdown dragout. Its an awesome old style slow motion cowboy fight and in the end Wallace is handcuffed to a seat and the drivers decide to split to the state line so they don't get arrested. RD makes his girlfriend get out of the truck and brings the Jag chick with him because she needs a ride in a SUPER AWKWARD exchange of chicks. However, Jag chick is not too psyched once the drivers are blasting out of town as fast as their trucks will take them, one even turning over and crashing.

So the race is on, and more and more truckers decide to join in the "convoy" until its over a mile long. Coppers try to stop the truckers but they blast through weigh stations at high speeds. At one point they smash Wallace's car between two trucks. Then ultimately they decide to go down a treacherous bumpy desert dirt road that leaves dozens of cop cars crashed out and stuck in the sand. All the while the convoy keeps getting longer and longer. At a certain point, Spider Mike leaves to go check out his newborn son. The media grabs hold of the story and attempts to ask RD why the convoy is happening and what his plans are. He keeps it vague and says the point is to keep going. I was wondering if they were going to have him crash a la VANISHING POINT. But then the governor up for reelection wants to look good for his constituents and they apparently support RD, so he wants to support him as well. Meanwhile Spider Mike is arrested and beaten.

The convoy heads to Texas and busts Spider Mike out of jail destroying half the town in its wake. They decide to head to Mexico so they don't get caught. On the way there, there is a traffic incident that stops the whole convoy behind RD. RD heads on towards Mexico but on the bridge there is a huge showdown and Wallace is on top of his car with a gatling gun firing it at RD's truck and destroys it running it off the bridge. Then a funeral is held for the Rubber Duck and the convoy drives by the coffin in salute to his life. At the back of the convoy is a bus full of hippies and a preacher. They ask the jag chick to get inside and in the back she finds the Rubber Duck in disguise who asks her, "did you ever see a duck that couldn't swim?". End credits. The weirdest part is that when the bus drives by, Wallace sees Rubber Duck in the bus and he just starts laughing maniacally. After all that, he doesn't get pissed, he just gives this, "well he got me" smile and shrugs it off. UGGGH. Should you watch this one? Well its not the best trucker movie ever, but its a pretty good late night springtime flick. Have a couple cold ones and you'll feel better about it.

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