bad/awesome flixxx review: Starman (1984)

"Well, I guess the question is who's the missionary, and who are the cannibals?"- Sherman

"Define shit."- Starman

"Do you seriously expect me to tell the President that an alien has landed, assumed the identity of a dead housepainter from Madison, Wisconsin and is presently out tooling around the countryside in a hopped up orange and black 1977 Mustang? "- Fox

Continuing my John Carpenter marathon, I decided to review this classic sci/fi love story. I can't tell you how unbelievably cute I've always thought Karen Allen was... Indiana Jones, even when she's older in Scrooged, and here in Starman, she has always made me melt. This is another fine piece of the Carpenter canon, albeit different than his usual fare. He's been quoted as saying that whenever THE THING flopped, he needed to make a more mainstream flick like this so that his career didn't go down in flames. Not to say this is some sappy love story. This is a very heartfelt, somewhat typical, but nevertheless well written sci fi story, and I'd also say wonderfully executed. The explosions are big, the scenery is beautiful, the car is great, the filmography is amazing. Jeff Bridges and Karen Allen star in John Carpenter's STARMAN!!!





Also, kudos goes out to Jeff Bridges for not playing his usual laid back character. I know you might be saying, well this is early on, 15 years before he plays the Dude, but still, even in his early roles like THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTFOOT or THE LAST AMERICAN HERO he played an easy going young man. In his role here as Starman, he plays a developing extra terrestrial and he plays it well. Our story here begins with the Voyager II space probe sending out a message into space explaining who we are and inviting other aliens to come visit us and explained "greetings" in 54 languages. So it crashes into some ringed planet and within minutes they send out a probe.



Instead of receiving the alien's ship with open arms, the army shoots at it immediately throwing it off course. The ship crashes into a lake behind this chick's house in Wisconsin who's husband recently passed away. So the alien inside pops out and he's just a ball of blue light. He floats across the lake into her house, starts up a reel to reel that has footage of the dead husband on it. Then it flips through a photo album and sucks itself down into a lock of hair, seemingly replicating the dead dude's DNA. Meanwhile, the army sends this dude named Sherman to investigate since he's an alien expert. The alien is born on the floor out of nothing basically, and it wakes up the girl, Jenny Hayden. Jenny watches this baby grow from a baby to a kid, to a full man in a matter of minutes right before her eyes, and she passes out in the waste basket. Then he watches more of the the husband and learns to shoot a gun. He hears the cops coming in helicopters, so he uses one of these magic space marbles that he brought with him to send a message to his alien buddies to pick him up and get him the fuck outta there.



So right away Jenny tries to escape, but Starman grabs her and holds a gun on her, learning and remembering everything he sees, hears, or encounters, becoming smarter by the moment. He tells her he has to get from Wisconsin to Arizona to meet his boys asap or he'll croak out. She doesn't give a shit in the beginning, she takes every opportunity to try to get away all throughout the night and the next day. But Starman finally convinces her he means no harm. She starts to dig him too, partially because he looks like her old dude, and partially because she is sympathetic to him and how dumb and clumsy he is, she realizes he can't do this without her. And she already lost one dude that looked like him, she doesn't want this one to die too. So the feds are chasing them at every turn, and they stop at a rest stop and she's about to ditch him thinking he'll figure it out, when she sees him bring this deer back to life, and then these rednecks try to kick his ass. She knows he's something special then, and they split. They decide to lay low at a hotel but the pigs are onto them, and a kid from Chapel Hill NC Tarheels warns them, so they bail. The pigs give chase and fatally wound Jenny. They escape and Starman hides them both in half a doublewide headed down the road. Starman heals her, and then splits with a cook out of town. Jenny calls the feds and tells them to ease off of them.



Jenny follows Starman in a hotrod and catches him at a roadblock. They hitch a ride with some people and hop a train. While they are drying from the rain, they make love. Starman tells her he has to go, even though he doesn't want to, but he put a baby in her, after she told him it couldn't be done. He said he'd be a space baby, but normal. They go too far into Vegas, and Starman jukes the slots at the casino and buys a Cadillac. They head to the crater to meet his boys, stop at a diner, and the they're detained by the cops. Sherman gets there first and they talk him into letting them bail. Starman and Jenny head into the crater, while Fox and the feds surround the crater in like 15 helicopters. But then a whole goddamn planet descends down to Earth and the helicopters land, and Starman gives Jenny his last magic marble and waves goodbye. Heavy. Makes me wanna make love to an Earth woman and put a magic baby in her belly. And bring deer back to life. The only thing weird about this movie was in essence, Starman came to Earth, and within 5 minutes he was like "fuck this, I'm ready to go back home." HAHAHA. John Carpenter you rule.

bad/awesome flixxx review: In the Mouth of Madness (1994)

"Every species can smell its own extinction. The last ones left won't have a pretty time with it. In ten years, maybe less, the human race will just be a bedtime story for their children. A myth, nothing more."- John Trent

"Never, Never, Never... throw chips at a driver."- John Trent

"Lady, nothing surprises me anymore. We fucked up the air, the water, we fucked up each other. Why don't we just finish the job by flushing our brains down the toilet?"- John Trent

I decided to do a John Carpenter marathon the other night, but I wanted to do it with some of his films that I hadn't seen in years and years or ever, if I could get my hands on them. I began with this little story that I had never seen, only heard about from friends who consider it one of their favorites. If someone else has a favorite John Carpenter movie and I haven't seen it, it makes me feel like I'm missing out, since many of his films are among my top ten ever or some of the other nerd listings that I could write being prodded in a nerderly direction. True to form, Carpenter delivers as always with a story that is not only well written, but also a commentary on some other medium that interests him. This time? Horror novels. There's definitely an homage to Lovecraft and Stephen King in here. If you like horror flicks and ones based on books, well then this flick is for you. Its a flick about a book made into a flick and the reality or non-reality that lies therein. Charleton Heston, Sam Neill, and a cast of "oh there's that guy"'s starring in IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS!!!





Our story begins with John Trent being dragged into an asylum and kicking a dude in the balls. They lock him up and he has a crazy vision. Then a dude comes to help him get out, and he says tell me how you ended up here. So Trent says ok, and it flashes back where we see Trent is an insurance scam investigator and he's busting a dude who is trying to scam Trent's boss. Trent reveals that the man is scamming along with his wife by showing his wife and mistress wearing items that were supposedly lost in a fire. Trent's boss says- man you are the best at your job, lemme hire you. Trent declines, he's his own man. But Trent's boss is like, ok, well, I have another gig for you, a big paying gig. He wants him to investigate the disappearance of a horror novel author named Sutter Cane. Right as he's telling him this, a dude with a fucking axe busts through the window of the cafe they're eating in, and asks him if he reads Cane, then attempts to hack Trent in two. But before he can do that, he's blown away by the cops.



So then Trent goes to see Charleton Heston who is Cane's publisher. He says find Cane or at least find his book, here take my hot(?) secretary to help you. So Trent reads some of Cane's books and starts having vivid nightmares with ghoulish creatures. Then he figures out that the covers cut up into pieces make a map of New Hampshire. So then, even though he thinks the whole thing is a bullshit publicity stunt, he takes Styles (the chick) up to New Hamphire to find Cane. Late in the night Styles is driving and passes a boy on a bike who gets older each time she passes. On the 3rd time, she hits him, then he gets up and rides off. Then she keeps driving, and suddenly the ground is gone, and the car is flying, then she goes through a weird bridge and then when she comes out of the bridge, its daytime. Trent thinks he slept through the night. They come out of the bridge into Hobb's End, a fictional town based in Cane's novels.



They check into a hotel and begin looking for Cane. They realize something weird is up because a painting keeps moving and this huge Black Church is there, and some shit happens from the new novel that only Styles has read and she tells Cane she's scared cause the whole thing was a scam, except none of it was supposed to be real, but it is. He's like BULLSHIT. She steals his keys and goes and finds Cane in the Black Church and he shows her the book IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS, and then she's crazy and turns into like a backwards monster. Then some dude blows his head off cause he says Cane wrote him to do it, and this lil lady turns into an octopus monster and kills her husband. So Trent tries to split town, but keeps getting teleported back into the same angry mob trying to kill him. And Styles is riding on the bike with the "old man white hair kid". Creepy. So finally he wakes up and is in a confessional and Cane tells him that he has become God and that he is writing now from inside the novel. Trent STILL calls bullshit, and says impossible and all that. But Cane says nope, seriously, more people believe in my work than the bible, so it became true. And then he says Trent has to deliver the finished novel to Charleton Heston. Then he rips his own face off, and there's nothing there but an abyss, and the ripped time/space hole has words on the rips like a printed page. Trent stares into the void holding the finished manuscript, until monsters start to chase him. He falls and wakes up on the country road with a kid on a bike riding by in the daytime.



Trent leaves the book in the middle of the road, and checks into a hotel. Then he gets a package delivered to him in the morning with, you guessed it, the manuscript. He then burns it page by page and hops a greyhound back to the city. Cane shows up on his bus and turns the world blue for a second, but he realizes its only a dream. He goes to see Charleton Heston and Heston is like, what girl are you talking about? Are you crazy? Have you been reading the books? And he says well, that's why I don't have the book to give to you. Heston is like- you already gave me the novel 7 weeks ago. Trent is like WHAT? and then he hacks this kid in half. Thats why they throw him in the nuthouse. Ok, so story over, the guy leaves. Then Trent hears screams and horrible gnashing of teeth. His door is almost ripped off, and then the noise is gone. He opens the cell to a blood smeared asylum devoid of any humans. He walks down the empty streets, finds a movie theater, grabs some popcorn, and sits down to watch the film that we've just watched. He laughs his ass off. Then the movie ends. I'm pretty sure he's going crazy right there at the end as he realizes Cane was right, he was only a work of fiction, but who knows, that's just what I got from it. Otherwise it doesn't make all that much sense. But as far as it goes, this one is a very good stinker. The actress who played Styles is kind of bunk, the makeup was great for the slimey monstery guys, and the story was solid. If you dig Carpenter, you'll dig it.

Valient Himself's ROCKNOWLEDGY Podcast Episode: 2

alahoyus everyone! Here's the link for the second episode of my new podcast. If you dig it, please leave me a comment or something. Ill also be posting the playlist later in the week here in this space in an update.

http://bit.ly/r5fbMD

Still haven't quite figured out rss feeds and all that bullshit... I'll figure it out in time when I am off the road... for now, enjoy.

Valient Himself


********* UPDATE *********

Playlist for Episode 2:

Darkthrone- F.O.A.D.
Kim Fowley- Animal Man
Nervous Eaters- I'm a Degenerate
Graveyard- Ain't Fit to Live Here
Iron Horse- Sabbath Bloody Sabbath (Black Sabbath Cover)
Gang Green- Alcohol
Archers of Loaf- Harnessed in Slums
Circle Jerks- American Heavy Metal Weekend
Maserati- Keep it Gold
The Obits- Widow of My Dreams
Rye Coalition- Stairway to the Freebird on the Way to the Smokey Water
The Queers- I Can't Stop Farting
Joy- Help Me
RIOT- Swords and Tequila
Dennis Michael Tenney- Computer Love
Merle Haggard- Honky Tonk Night Time Man
Zero Boys- Civilization's Dyin'
Mission of Burma- All World Cowboy Romance

Valient Himself's ROCKNOWLEDGY Podcast Episode: 1

So, after years of saying I was going to do it, I finally made a podcast based on my old radio show ROCKNOWLEDGY. This is the first test run, and I think it came out ok. If anyone has any other suggestions of what programs I should use that are better, please, by all means, let me know. I was quiet on this one because I made it around 3am and everyone was asleep. I used GarageBand to make it, and posted it up on The Archive to host it. I had no idea about how to make one, I just looked shit up on the web. So yes, I'd love to keep doing these and making them better and better, if you can help, please hit me up.
Anyway, this is just me nerding out and djing some records basically. Download it, listen to it, and PLEASE hit me back and tell me what you thought. If you dig it, tell other people to check it out. Thanx a lot! Here's a link where to download it:

http://bit.ly/paADQ7

ok, check it out, jam it out, and lemme know what's what.


****** Download link is on the left side, click that lil http, and if you wanna listen online, on the right, click the 55.7 mb!!******


****** UPDATE *****************

Here's the playlist for Episode 1:

Flower Travellin' Band- Aw Give Me Air
Painted Willie- Mother Nature's Breakdown
Big Boys- Jump the Fence
The Sweet- Man from Mecca
The Jam- Eton Rifles
FYP- Wherever the Creeps Go
Blue Oyster Cult- Transmaniacon MC
Elegy- No Direction
Skeleton Crew- Not My Shoes
Dogs- A Different Me
April Wine- Ladies Man
Daemon- No Witch At All
Death- The Masks
Showbiz & A.G.- Silence of the Lambs (remix)
Red Fang- Over the Edge (wipers cover)
Corrosion of Conformity- Positive Outlook

bad/awesome flixxx review: Billy Jack (1971)

"You know what I think I'm gonna do then? Just for the hell of it?" - Billy Jack
"Tell me."- Posner
"I'm gonna take this right foot, and I'm gonna whop you on that side of your face... and you wanna know something? There's not a damn thing you're gonna be able to do about it." - Billy Jack
"Really?"- Posner
"Really."- Billy Jack

"Now, which is it gonna be: drive your car in the lake or get a dislocated elbow?"- Billy Jack

"Oh, really? Tell me, where is that place? Where is it? In what remote corner of this country-no-entire goddamn planet is there a place were men really care about one another and really love each other? Now, you tell me were such a place is, and I promise you that I'll never hurt another human being as long as I live..... Just one place!!!"- Billy Jack

This is one of my favorite movies. I absolutely loved it growing up. Just decided to check it out again after a very long break from viewing. I watched it the other week when I was sick as hell from food poisoning. It took my mind off of whatever fever I had even if for 20 minutes at a time. This is the story of Billy Jack, an ex-Green Beret, "half breed", Native American ass kicker who is protecting a group of students in a special hippie art school commune on the outskirts of some redneck town in jerkwater usa. As a young man, this film taught me about bigotry and vigilante justice. Its a helluva a film with a helluva message, with a cameo by a young Howard "Johnny Fever" Hesseman, and starring Tom Laughlin, I present to you- BILLY JACK!!!!





This cinematic delight begins with a crooked deputy going to meet a shitty businessman to go kill wild mustangs instead of picking up his runaway daughter from the airport. Our hero Billy Jack catches the dudes on the Indian Reservation and tells them to get the fuck outta there. One of them even says he could shoot him if the cop or the business dude Posner wanted them too, but they back down and split. The head sherriff picks up the girl from the airport, drops her off and she tells her old man she's pregnant and that she doesn't know who the father is because she fucked so many dudes it could be anyone. He slaps the shit out of her. She runs away again and Billy Jack finds her and takes to the hospital and then they let her hide out at the "Freedom School" which is run by Billy Jack's girlfriend Jean, this pacifist lady. All this takes place outside of some town in Arizona where Billy Jack has settled now that he's back from the war. Billy Jack is conflicted inside because he wants to become closer to his Native American roots, but he believes that there is no way he can not fight in a world that is so full of violence and hatred... i.e. the white man's world.



The head cop knows that its best if the girl hides out at the school but warns them that there will be trouble. He is absolutely right. The chickenshit son of the bigwig in town, Bernard Posner wants nothing more than to make his dad proud even though he despises him. The children come into town to buy ice cream and Bernard and his friends humiliate them because they aren't white. Billy Jack comes in and beats the shit out of them. He also uses his "hopkido" skills to beat up a lot of the town dudes who try to jump him. As the movie goes on and on, a committee tries to shut the school down saying its not right for the kids and they have no rules and blah blah blah. The kids sing a bunch of hippie songs and show their asses in court. Ultimately they invite the townfolk to the school and convince them that they are doing good things. The townspeople invite the kids to do improv in the town. Things seem to be going good until ol Bernard fucks everything up again.



Billy Jack goes into the forest to become one with the snake and has a ceremony. Bernard almost kills him but finds out the girl is hiding out there and goes to tattle tale on the school. The crooked cops and men come to get the girl. They can't find her. Also Bernard tries to get this one girl with fake eyelashes to bang him against her will in his new car. Jean and Billy Jack catch him and Billy Jack offers him the opportunity to have his arm dislocated or drive his car in the lake. So he drives it in the lake! HA! Then with his dad super pissed, they come after the kids, but they can't find her. With pressure coming from all sides, everyone thinks this may be the end for the school. Then Bernard and his buddy spy on Jean while she's having a swim and tie her down and rape her. Jean begs the kids not to tell Billy cause she knows he'll kill them and that will be the end of everything she's worked for.



The deputy rallies the town and goes to get his daughter. Bernard ends up killing one of the students, a native american boy who is actually the boyfriend of the runaway girl. When Billy Jack sees this, he knows that now he's gotta do something bad. Even though he tries his very best, he knows that sometimes you have to do something that you would never do otherwise. Sometimes you have to kill motherfuckers. He finds out about the rape too and then he somehow very quickly and easily finds Bernard in a shitty hotel banging some 13 year old girl. Bernard shoots Billy, but Billy karate chops him to death with one fell swoop. Then Billy goes and gets the girl and splits to an old church. Soon everyone in town including local and state cops and the national guard are called in to take him out. When they find out the story, Jean, the doctor, and the head sheriff convince Billy to give himself up. Billy gives them conditions so that the school can keep running and is hauled off in the final scene with the kids lined up the dirt country road giving the "black power" fist. The sequel tells how the trial goes. This movie has a lot of hippied out moments, but is a passionate statement about bigotry and peace and violence. I highly recommend it.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Death Ship (1980)

"Where do you plan to sail her?"- Trevor Marshall
"Into eternity, Marshall. Eternity."- Ashland

"What would a ship be doing anchored out here?"- Margaret Marshall

AHHHH, now this is refreshing. A lot of people would see this and think, wow that looks like horseshit. But I know a breath of fresh air when I see it. This movie has the film quality that I like. Something about it seems very old, even older than it should be, maybe its the film stock they used, maybe its because its so grainy. This is the perfect drive in flick. A very bad movie like this doesn't have to be bad at all with the right amount of weed and pizza around. George Kennedy and Richard Krenna star in a story about a ship that kills! Don't shit your pants! Its DEATH SHIP!!!!





Ok, so I don't know... here is one thing I would have done differently if it had been me who made Death Ship. The story begins with a bigtime cruise ship and its smug, smarmy, dickhead of a captain being forced into retirement. You can tell he isn't good with people right away. This has everything to do with stellar performance given by George Kennedy. You know, Cool Hand Luke's buddy. Ok, so the ship is changing hands to the new captain Richard Krenna (Rambo's boss) and Kennedy isn't happy about it. All of a sudden, during a dinner for his retirement, a huge black ship comes out of nowhere and full steam ahead rams the shit out of the cruise ship. And then BANG, a very BRIEF section where you have some POSEIDON ADVENTURE moments. Like the tables flying in the air, and people getting slung overboard. But really, this only happened for like a minute and a half. We have an hour and 25 or 30 minute movie here fellas! You could've spent a FEW more seconds showing us the despair on passengers faces who knew that they weren't going to make it out alive!!!



A very very very few of them did. After that minute and a half you have a small rubber raft with the old Captain, the new cap'n, his wife, their 2 kids, the first mate and his stripper girlfriend, one old lady and the dj. That's it! Out of a HUGE ship with probably at least 300 rooms on it. That's a lot of dead people, and this being a horror movie, you'd think they would've focused on that a BIT more. But that's just my thoughts, if I made a horror boat movie. OK, so, after a few hours at sea, the survivors come upon a even bigger black boat, anchored at sea. Its obviously the one that rammed them, but maybe none of them saw it. Magically it puts down a ladder for them. They go aboard, and it appears that no one is there. But within two minutes the boat hangs the dj by his feet, dunks him til he almost drowns, then jerks him up into the air to the top of the mast, and then slings him into the ocean to his death. The rest of them then start looking around. Fuck that. I would have bailed back onto the rubber raft. But when they eventually DO try that, it doesn't work so I guess it would have been to no avail. The old captain had a really rough time of it, and they had to carry his big ass up onto the boat. As soon as they get dried off and get him laid down, a film strip starts playing down the hall, and everyone bails to go see what's up except the old lady, she watches after the old captain. She eats some hard candy out of a jar that had to be years old and then there's flashes of blood so you know she's the next to go. So while everyone is watching the movie from the 30s, the old captain comes back to life and strangles the old lady. 2 down.



So then the old captain starts acting creepy as hell. New captain notices it and old captain puts on a new suit and invites old captain up to the deck and starts talking like he's crazy as hell. New cap Rambo's boss thinks he's gone schizo and he tries to hide his kids, but he still leaves them unattended at night. Meanwhile first mate's stripper girl says lets take a shower together and gets in and 5 mins later blood comes gushing through the spigot. She's fucking FREAKING out screaming and turning in circles but she or he can't get the fucking door open, so he puts on some clothes and tries to get help. This goes on for over 5 or 7 minutes. Perfect drive in scene: A naked chick covered in blood spinning and squealing and falling helpless while still be literally showered with crimson human juice. When he gets help they rush in, and she's gone and the shower is spotless like it never happened. But then- too late!! They see old captain bench press her over the side.



Eventually they begin to chase the captain only to find out that he has been possessed by some old Nazi captain who owned the boat years ago, and now its just a ghost ship that goes around ramming cruisers and killing them. I'll spare you the ending and let you see what happens on your own. Let's just say that the freakout that the first mate have is not only better than the stripper's freakout, it may just be one of the number one freakouts in movie history. His hissy fit puts most scream queens to shame. I wish I saw this when I was younger. This is all time. Definitely seek it out.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Cemetery Man (1994)

"I can't forgive myself for having lied to you. I don't have a degree in biology. Never even finished high school. I haven't read more than two books in my whole life. One, never finished. And the other is the phone book."- Francesco Dellamorte

"The Living Dead and the dying living are all the same. Cut from the same cloth. But disposing of dead people is a public service, whereas you're in all sorts of trouble if you kill someone while they're still alive."- Francesco Dellamorte

"I should have known it. The rest of the world doesn't exist."- Francesco Dellamorte

A very strange Italian zombie flick. In Italy its title is DELLAMORTE DELLAMORE, which means Death Love. There are a lot of Italian zombie movies, and there are a lot of art house flicks there, and this flick slams them together in a very cool way. Italians have a fixation on the duality between death and love, and this flick tries to rationalize the juxtaposition of the two never letting go of one another. It stars Rupert Everett as the head dude in charge of a cemetery in Northern Italy in a town called Buffalora. For whatever reason, when people die and are buried here, they don't stay dead, and after many long years working here, he's become used to them coming back. The story of his downward spiral is chronicled here in CEMETERY MAN!!!





The very first scene begins with Dellamorte leaving the shower to answer the phone to his only friend (outside of his seemingly mentally handicapped assistant Gnaghi) Franco. While on the phone, someone rings the doorbell. While still on the phone, Dellemorte glances at the man's dirty fingernails and notices a worm crawling on him. He immediately shoots the man in the head, and resumes his conversation. It seems that the stiffs that are buried here resurrect after 7 days, and as the movie goes on, they begin waking faster and faster. Dellamorte has tried to tell the mayor and the police but no one cares, so he just keeps on burying, killing and reburying with the help of Gnaghi (who turns out to be not as daft as Dellamorte believes).



One day, Dellamorte sees this hot young widow and falls in love immediately. He wonders if he'll ever see her again, and when she keeps returning to place flowers on her dead husband's grave, Dellamorte takes a chance, flirts with her, & finally convinces her to bang him. Then- at her request- they begin to bang on her dead husband's grave. All these weird blue fireflys or fairies begin to float around them til they shoo them away. I thought that was a really weird part. Not sure if that made more bad stuff happen or what you were supposed to gain from it, but right at that moment, her husband comes back, biting her on the neck. She comes back & he blows her away. Later she comes back again and he figures out she must not have been dead the first time, and now he's actually committed murder. This depresses him. Death visits him and tells him to stop killing his corpses, and he blows Death off, basically telling him he was too busy to mess with him.



So Dellemorte tries to tell everyone what's happening again at dinner, and Gnaghi falls for the mayors 12 year old daughter. The mayor just ignores him and his daughter goes on a motorcycle ride. A bus of boy scouts hits all the motorcyclers killing all of them. The mayors daughter is decapitated. Dellemorte has to take care of all of them and it only creates more work for him. But the mayor's new assistant is a "dead ringer" (haha) for "SHE" the one he fell in love with in the first place. ok, so, the assistant tells him she'll only marry him if he has no penis because she has a phobia of weiners going inside her, he goes to get his chopped off, but the doc just says lemme make you impotent for a while, then she falls in love with the mayor who raped her and now likes to be banged, but she leave him to marry the mayor because she thinks he is impotent now. Gnaghi digs up the mayors daughter and falls in love with her reanimated severed head. Some chick who loved the mayor's daughter's real boyfriend who died is freaking out and wants to be eaten by him, when Dellemorte tries to kill him again, he accidentally kills her.



Dellamorte goes on a rampage believing he can stop them from returning if he just kills them before they are dead. He kills the dudes who make fun of him for being impotent, then he meets another chick who looks like SHE, but sets her and her roommate on fire when he finds out she's a whore. Then instead of getting put away for the crimes like he seems to want, his friend Franco is blamed. He goes to ask him why he did it, killing a nun, a doc, a nurse and others. Finally he decides to split town, which he reminds himself he's never done. Gnaghi gets in trouble for trying to marry the mayor's daughter's head, but they just kill the mayor. Killing the reanimated mayor, and his daughter's head, Dellamorte tells Gnaghi to pack his shit, and they head through the tunnel. His worst fears realized, Dellamorte slams on the brakes and figures out the rest of the world doesn't exist. Looking over a cliff into nothingness, Gnaghi asks him to please take him home (the only words he spoke the whole movie). After checking this out, I realized the the same dude writes the comic Dylan Dog, the nightmare detective guy. Probably similar stuff. There was a movie made for that last year I think. I'll have to check it out. If you love comedy horror flicks then this is probably for you. word.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Legend (1985)

"May be innocent, may be sweet... ain't half as nice as rotting meat."- Blix

"Oh, Mother Night! Fold your dark arms about me. Protect me in your black embrace. I sit alone, an impotent exile, whilst this form, this presence, returns to torment me!"- Lord of Darkness

"I hear a throat begging to be cut!"- Princess Lily

Ridley Scott directed Alien in 1979, Blade Runner in 82 (I think) and then this in 85. Pretty heavy pressure to follow up two massive blockbuster sci fi epics and try to crush a fantasy film, but he does a great job. Its a good vs. Evil story straight out of the fairytale books starring Tom Cruise as animal loving backwoods orphan boy, Ferris Bueller's girlfriend Sloan Peterson as a princess and Tim Curry as Satan. All of them battle it out in LEGEND!!!





So, ( I've been paused on that comma for a few minutes, sorry I'm being distracted by this Macho Man Randy Savage Retrospective DVD blaring in the background, RIP) - Satan the lord and master of darkness decides that he wants to defeat all of his enemies. Who is his greatest enemy? The light, the opposite of his existence. So he gets his lowliest of goblins Blix to go and capture the last of the unicorns so that he can force the world into darkness forever. Meanwhile Sloan Peterson is a princess frolicking through her homeland stealing pie from old maids, and hanging out with the lower class. She sneaks off into the woods to flirt with this bumpkin boy who is nice to animals. The boy is Jack from all the fairy tales. You know Jack and the Beanstalk, Jack and Jill, Jack jumped over the candlestick; that guy. The Princess Lily (sloan) wants to see his pets. She's seducing this poor kid and he brings her to a special place in the woods that he waited a long time to show her.



He takes her out to show her the magic spot where one day a year the last of the unicorns hangs on earth with his girlfriend on a unicorn date. Sloan Peterson sneaks out to steal a touch of the magic creature at the exact moment that Blix and his buddies shoot a dart into the unicorn's throat. The unicorns freak and take off, and Jack is super pissed because he told her not to touch it, and now he knows that not only does she never listen, but she also freaked the unicorns out and now he'll probably never see them again. She tricks him into not being mad by throwing her ring in the lake & claiming that she'll marry him if he can find the ring. So he fucking plunges in head first. Blix and the goblins go after the unicorn and the one passes out and they chop his horn off. Right at that moment, The world plunges into a cold snowy winter darkness. But the sun hasn't set though...somehow?



Princess Lily runs back to town and freaks out when she sees her friends are frozen. She hides from the goblins but learns that it wasn't her fault that the shit went down. But she goes to warn everyone they are coming for the other unicorn. Jack burst from the ice lake and found he was in big trouble with a fairy, an elf, and 2 dwarves. They are all pissed he brought a chick around until he tells them he did it for love. So they go try to figure what has happened. They find the wounded unicorn and decide that they have to find his horn so everything will be cool again. The elf takes him to get some weapons. When Sloan comes back she gets kidnapped along with the other unicorn and taken back to Satan. A dress dances around and the princess puts it on and then Satan comes out of a mirror and says gimme YOU. And she says no and tricks him into thinking he's gonna bang him later.



So the party goes off on an adventure trying to make their way to Satan's castle to rescue the princess and save the unicorn. They figure out that the fairy can go from looking like a firefly to the size of a real girl. Eventually Jack devises a scheme using a bunch of mirrored shields to shine some of the light that is left up on the surface world down into Hell or wherever they are. If the light hits Satan then they'll knock him into space and save everything, after they put the horn back on the the 'corn. "nahm sayn?" As with most of these stories, alls well that ends well. This is a beautiful looking flick especially if you dig fantasy stuff. The sets are great, the characters are definitely based on Disney motifs which were also stolen from many different stories of old. But the colors and design is reminiscent of Disney for sure. By now a classic, check it if you never have.

bad/awesome flixxx review: The Gambler (1974)

"They don't give out no prizes at the half-time Axel."- Jimmy

"The only thing that's standing between your skull and a baseball bat is my word."- Hips

"I'm not going to lose it. I'm going to gamble it."- Axel Freed

This was one of the hardest movies I've ever watched. I've had friends like this, and this is some rough shit. Just watching a person put themselves in jeopardy for NOTHING, for absolutely the dumbest, stupidest thing ever. The chance to maybe get up. But when you're on a losing streak like this Axel Freed, you should quit while you're ahead. James Caan is completely amazing. Gambling is a heavy heavy disease, especially when you are a smart, educated person, it just doesn't make sense. And then again, maybe it does. It took me a good while to process this one. Just what it would even feel like to be a person like this. I've never had these urges or desires, so it was an experience for sure. James Caan, Lauren Hutton, Paul Sorvino, and cameos by Mel from that old show Alice, and a young James Woods, a helluva flick, THE GAMBLER!!!

****There was no trailer for this film to be found anywhere online, so here's a clip where Axel is having to borrow a shitload of bread from his mother.****





This film starts out with one of the worst streaks of luck ever imagined. Axel Freed is out on the town, late one night running from table to table, game to game, and keeps going deeper and deeper in debt. His friend/bookie (I guess I should just say bookie huh? Cause this guy really isn't his friend. I mean he likes him alright, doesn't want him to get hurt, but would if he had to) Hips keeps telling him, "maybe you oughta call it a night Axel", everyone tries to get him to stop, but no. How deep does he go in? 44,000 bucks. FORTY-FOUR THOUSAND!! FORTY FOUR LARGE!! Are you shitting me? In one night?? That kind of debt usually takes about six years to rack up!! Then very quickly, the pressure is on to find the money to pay up. What does Axel do? He pulls over out of traffic, and bets some kids that he can beat the best one in basketball...



So Axel is an English professor by day. He goes to his class and begins to teach philosophically about Dostoyevsky. His reflections on the novels begin to mirror his actions in his daily life. He goes to lunch with his mother and beats around the bush about what he really wants from her. He then asks her for the bread very rudely. She says she'll have to think about it. He then is very rude to his hot girlfriend. Like she bugs him or something. Then he goes to a dinner with his rich grandfather, and his mother. He lies to her and says he doesn't need the money now. Then he finally tells her he does, or they're going to kill him. So his mother reluctantly gets him the money. What does he do instead of paying the bookies? Bets 15000 apiece on 3 different games and flies to Vegas with his girlfriend!!! The BALLS on this asshole!



So he checks on the games as he gets a drink from the bar on break from a pretty great streak in the casino. He's up on all 3, and meets another man who bet on the same games. He acts very cocky, goes back to the tables, and bets EVEN BOLDER. Then he calls it a night, flies home in the morning, arrives home and goes to bed. In the middle of the night, a loan shark comes calling. He wants the money for the the 3 lost games. Axel can't believe they all lost. He gets unbelievably mad, pays him the money that he was supposed to pay off his OTHER 44000 grand debt with, and then bets all he won in Vegas on a game that night in hopes to win back his original borrowed money so he doesn't get killed. Guess what happens? They lose.



At this point I expected Axel to skip the country, but his bookie says that he wouldn't be able to get far enough away anyway, so Axel tries to run from the goons but they eventually catch him. They take him to the head honcho, Mel, from Mel's diner. He asks interrogates him, Axel says his grandfather has money. Mel says no he doesn't, none that you can have. Mel already checked that. He then tells him that if he doesn't convince one of his students to throw his college basketball game by 7 points, he's dead. Axel reluctantly asks, and offers the kid 5000 bucks. The kid does it, but they almost win anyway. With the game over and Axel in the clear, his buddy bookie Hips remarks that the heavies will make that kid do that again. Axel says he won't do it, that he only did it in the first place to help him. Hips says, "once yer not a virgin anymore, you're a whore for life". This is the part that it took me a while to figure out. I GUESS that Axel is so bummed that he sunk so low (and possibly the fact that he involved his students) that he goes into the "wrong part of town" and tries to buy a cheap whore. Then he tries to rip her off, and the pimp gets involved. He brutally beats the pimp, but not before the whore cuts a huge slash across his face. Then he walks out, down the stairs, down the hall, and looks in the mirror at his scarred and bleeding face, and smiles. I'm guessing this is some sort of penance or something to remind him of how low he sunk. I don't know though... He was a fucked up dude. i wasn't expecting that part. Heavy shit. If you have a gambling problem, watch this, and get help. great flick.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Solarbabies (1986)

"They've conditioned us here to be so afraid. There's gotta be a place to go. *We were not born here.* We had parents on the outside, families who might still be alive. Maybe we could find them." - Terra

"Scorpions. You've had special treatment, favors, and training by experts from my maiming squads. Do you deny that...? Yet you just allowed yourselves to be TRASHED, by left-brain rollers using homemade gear." - Stricktor

"Remember, behavior determines existence... Stick with us, learn to serve the Order, and you'll achieve a decent life-grid." - The Warden

Ok, after a long search, I figured out this wasn't the movie I was thinking of. I went into this thinking I was going to review PRAYER OF THE ROLLERBOYS, which I haven't seen in years. At least I think that's the one, it may end up being Rollerball after all. Either way, there sure were a lot of sci/fi action rollerskate movies aimed at kids in the 80s. I'd seen all of them before, but they seem so similar and/or it's been so long, they get mixed up in my head. Isn't that Spanish poster awesome?? This one ended up being badass either way, starring weirdo Lucas Haas, Jaime Gert the chick from LOST BOYS, Jason Patric, Charles Durning (Pappy O'Daniel from OH BROTHER WHERE ART THOU), and a cameo by Alexei Sayle from the british tv show THE YOUNG ONES!! All of them star in SOLARBABIES!!!






Our film begins with a heated battle between 2 teams playing a futuristic sport that's like a cross between lacrosse, roller hockey and basketball. One team called the Scorpions seem to be sponsored by these future cops (tomorrow police hahaha). They're the dicks. The other team is the Solarbabies. They are orphans who sneak out of these orphanages to play this game because they are forced in these things to live some kind of brainwashing paramilitary style life. Also because there is nowhere else to go. It's the year 41 in some kind of future where water is scarce. The remainder of water is locked up in some kind of giant waterholder that they briefly mention at the end of the flick. Kids are put into orphanages to be indoctrinated into programs that work for the "Protectorate". Yep, you're right, it's some facist shit.



So the youngest dude Daniel is deaf and on that particular day, the cops come to bust up their game, & everyone has to split through caves to get back to the orphanage. Daniel falls and finds a magic sphere in a creek in the cave that cures his deafness. It's name is Bodi (pronounced Boad-eye). So he finally makes it back for class or whatever they were doing (those orphanages were like prisons, fuck that). He hid Bodi until their work & punishment was over. Bodi listens to their conversation and makes it rain in their barracks. They all freak out, and notice that Daniel can hear them. He shows them Bodi. Bodi bonds with all of them over the next few days and lets them play the rollerball game with him. One orphan that seemed like he was of native american background named Darstar steals Bodi, & splits the orphanage with his owl. There is this dick, the main dude from the Scorpions who is like the Stricktor's pet, for some reason he works with the cops. They never explain that. Everyone wants to kick his ass. He is a constant pain to everyone. Daniel ends up running away to find Bodi. The other solarbabies runaway to find Daniel. Problem is, there's nothing out there but wasteland desert.



Darstar catches up with his home tribe. His tribe is going to try and sell Bodi to the Protectorate for money. The cops come after the solarbabies and the Stricktor finds out they have Bodi which is like some legendary savior ball or something. They decide to find it and destroy it. The cops find Darstar's tribe in search of the solarbabies. Darstar runs away but they kill his owl. The solarbabies catch up to Daniel. They go to Tiretown in search of Darstar after they bury his owl. They look around, escape when the cops come but are captured by 2 mercenaries, Alexei Sayle in a cowboy hat & some other British dude. Terra, the girl escapes. Darstar is captured. Bodi is taken by the cops who then try their best with the witch lady from WILLOW to destroy it. They can't but they keep heating it up to weaken it.



So Terra's dad ends up being the head Eco Warrior and he helps the solarbabies escape. They are psyched but still know they must free Bodi. So they split to the main waterbase thing where the cops are killing Bodi with some huge robot. They bust in and reenergize Bodi just by being there, and they rollerskate around and fuck shit up. Stricktor gets killed by the robot and I was glad because he was a jerk. Bodi is like "let's get outta here" in his magic telekinetic way, and somehow he makes the whole place explode with water busting out of the side of the building. I guess the place was like a dam or something. Then he flies into space and makes a thunderstorm. Daniel is sad, but Jason points out that Bodi didn't leave them, he'll always be inside of them. Then they do that COCOON energy thing. Pretty good. Not sure if it's better than PRAYER OF THE ROLLERBOYS, but I can't remember if that's good or not either. We'll see when I watch it again.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Dollman (1991)

"What the fuck are we fuckin' waitin' for? I mean, fuck this shit! Fuck man, the fuckin' set-up is fucked up! The little fucker knows what kind of fuckin' shit is waiting here to fuck him up. So lets get the fuck out of this fuckin' deal, and go lookin' for the tiny little mother-fucker!" - Hector

"And take off those sunglasses... it's night!" - The Mayor

"..That'll never happen. Somehow you'll fuck it up. You always fuck it up." - Brick Bardo

Another straight to VHS video classic from Full Moon Entertainment. As if you could ever get enough Tim Thomerson in your life, hauling ass from their TRANCERS series Thomerson is as tough as Jack Deth ever was in this adventure about two enemies hailing from the planet Arcturis. Up until recently, a super hard title to find, I found a copy of this down in New Orleans. Starring Tim Thomerson, fucking Jackie Earle Hailey (!!!), and the dumbshit cousin from OH BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?, I present to you DOLLMAN!!!






So, the neighbor from CHRISTMAS VACATION, the one that is married to Elaine from SEINFELD with the slick back hair works for the cops on this planet millions of light years from Earth. A situation happens where this dude takes a bunch of fat ladies, and a bunch of fat kids hostage in a laundromat. The Mayor is on his ass hard to fix the problem. Before he can figure anything, rogue cop Brick Bardo shows up with his dirty laundry. He walks in the laundromat and starts to do it. Then a fat lady falls on the perp. He killed no one, yet he still gets yelled at. Back at his flat, he is roughed up by some goons who work for his old enemy Sprug. Sprug is literally a flying head (or a head attached to a flying robot table) after losing the rest of his body to run ins with Brick.



Sprug claims he's going to blow up the planet unless he gets some space ions (money) and Brick tells him he's a fuckup. Brick annihilates his goons in spectacular fashion with this badass gun he has, and Sprug narrowly escapes. Brick gives chase and they break through some barrier that strands them on Earth. Now you realize their planet must have been very small, for Brick is only 13 inches high on Earth. He lands in the middle of the South Bronx and immediately helps this neighborhood watch chick who is getting mugged out. He fucking blows a hole in these dudes that won't stop bleeding. She takes him & his ship back to her house where her son mistakes him for a toy. After alerting the neighbors of his presence and riling the neighborhood gang by killing some of its members, Brick gains the new nickname Dollman.



Meanwhile Sprug gets found by the leader of the local gang Braxton Red. He is awesome, but I DO love Jackie Earle Hailey. Brax and his number 2 take Sprug back to the bar after Sprug promises him unearthly power. Then Sprug riles the gang even more by suggesting that Brick is disrespecting on their turf. They "go to war", and go search for Brick. Brick fucking kills the whole gang that comes, and fatally wounds Braxton. Braxton escapes back to Sprug, who promises to heal him if he'll help him get back to his planet. He does, Sprug heals him and says, "from now on, you work for me." Big mistake. Braxton just fucking squooshes him and mashes him flat. Then he takes the bomb back and goes to kidnap the chick.



The chick's son and the neighborhood yell for Dollman to save her, so he jumps out of a 4 story window landing on the back window of the getaway car. He then holds on til they get to the hideout. By then Braxton's wound is bleeding again, and he's dying. Dollman either makes them wait 3 hours, or he's so small it takes him that long to get over to his position to kill the homies. Big battle ensues, Guess who comes out on top? I say if you're a fan of Full Moon, then you've probably already seen this at some point, if not, do it. If you are a fan of this column, it is a full on must see. Cheers.

bad/awesome flixxx review: Munchies (1987)

"You don't know what L.A.'s like! It's like New Jersey with earthquakes." - Cecil

"I don't have time to stand here and discuss snack food economics with the likes of you two." - Cecil

"Well, what choice do I have? Either be a cog in the wheel, or starve like a dog." - Dude

Wow. I thought this was supposed to be awesome. Whoever told me this was an awesome flick is full of shit. Granted, it fits perfect here, and I was super psyched to pick it up for a dollar the other day in The Good Neighbor Shop (the very first thrift store I ever went into years ago). But as far as awesome goes, the only thing I remember thinking "awesome" about this was when it was over. Pretty much a low budge GREMLINS ripoff, this one double stars Harvey Korman as a "space archaeologist" and his evil "snack food king" twin brother. I thought it was going to be like "Stoner Gremlins" and that's why I was excited about it, but I'm pretty sure these little dudes didn't even get stoned once. A bad flick about some bad little dudes, I present to you MUNCHIES!!!






So when this begins Simon Watterman and his aspiring comedian son are exploring the ruins of some ancient temple in Peru. Simon owes somebody some money maybe a mortgage or some shit, and he's trying to prove the existence of aliens so he can pay off his debts and become rich at the same time. His son wants to move to LA but he forbids it. They stumble across a small statue that comes to life once its struck by lightning, and they decide to take it with them and stuff it in their sack along with a sample of some glowing green liquid, and head to the airport.



Once they get back to the US, they meet up with the son Paul's girlfriend Cindy, and head home. They are accosted by Eddie the local yocal young cop, and then finally arrive home. Once they are there, Simon instructs Paul not to let anything happen to their little creature and to be careful with him for if they fuck up, he'll be broke. Little do they know that Simon's evil twin with sweet hair, sweet mustache, and even sweeter pantsuit is evesdropping on them, and wants desperately to get one over on his brother so he has to sell his land to him. I guess that's what the money trouble is. He's in the hock and his brother wants to shit him out of his birthright. So Cecil cons his stepson Dude into helping him kidnap the little Munchie by now named Arnold by Paul & Cindy after Arnold Ziffel the pig from Green Acres.



Paul and Cindy go to bang upstairs and Cecil and Dude kidnap Arnold. Arnold is sneaking around eating peanut butter, and they bag him. Cecil goes to pick up his wife Mavis, and leaves Dude in charge. Dude only wants to listen to Grateful Dead bootlegs, so when he's not paying attention, Arnold tries to escape. Dude doesn't like it, and tries to attack Arnold, but Arnold gets pissed and turns Super Munchie. Dude cuts him in half (but for some reason he's in four pieces). Those pieces turn into four Munchies! And they already know English and how to swear and they like naked girls and partying! So yeah, they escape after killing Dude.



Then we end up having a big chase for the Munchies because they steal Dudes car and are shooting guns and running cars off the road, spying on chicks. At one point they break into a video rental store, and Paul throws one into a TV set. It turns him back into a statue. So Paul races around and tries to tell Cecil and everyone not to cut them, but too late, SEVEN Munchies! Finally, somehow, down in the sewers, they transform them all back somehow, and Cecil gets in trouble for making snack cakes out of toxic waste. Fucking GARBAGE. Awesome Garbage.