Friday, August 5, 2011
bad/awesome flixxx review: Dollman (1991)
"What the fuck are we fuckin' waitin' for? I mean, fuck this shit! Fuck man, the fuckin' set-up is fucked up! The little fucker knows what kind of fuckin' shit is waiting here to fuck him up. So lets get the fuck out of this fuckin' deal, and go lookin' for the tiny little mother-fucker!" - Hector
"And take off those sunglasses... it's night!" - The Mayor
"..That'll never happen. Somehow you'll fuck it up. You always fuck it up." - Brick Bardo
Another straight to VHS video classic from Full Moon Entertainment. As if you could ever get enough Tim Thomerson in your life, hauling ass from their TRANCERS series Thomerson is as tough as Jack Deth ever was in this adventure about two enemies hailing from the planet Arcturis. Up until recently, a super hard title to find, I found a copy of this down in New Orleans. Starring Tim Thomerson, fucking Jackie Earle Hailey (!!!), and the dumbshit cousin from OH BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?, I present to you DOLLMAN!!!
So, the neighbor from CHRISTMAS VACATION, the one that is married to Elaine from SEINFELD with the slick back hair works for the cops on this planet millions of light years from Earth. A situation happens where this dude takes a bunch of fat ladies, and a bunch of fat kids hostage in a laundromat. The Mayor is on his ass hard to fix the problem. Before he can figure anything, rogue cop Brick Bardo shows up with his dirty laundry. He walks in the laundromat and starts to do it. Then a fat lady falls on the perp. He killed no one, yet he still gets yelled at. Back at his flat, he is roughed up by some goons who work for his old enemy Sprug. Sprug is literally a flying head (or a head attached to a flying robot table) after losing the rest of his body to run ins with Brick.
Sprug claims he's going to blow up the planet unless he gets some space ions (money) and Brick tells him he's a fuckup. Brick annihilates his goons in spectacular fashion with this badass gun he has, and Sprug narrowly escapes. Brick gives chase and they break through some barrier that strands them on Earth. Now you realize their planet must have been very small, for Brick is only 13 inches high on Earth. He lands in the middle of the South Bronx and immediately helps this neighborhood watch chick who is getting mugged out. He fucking blows a hole in these dudes that won't stop bleeding. She takes him & his ship back to her house where her son mistakes him for a toy. After alerting the neighbors of his presence and riling the neighborhood gang by killing some of its members, Brick gains the new nickname Dollman.
Meanwhile Sprug gets found by the leader of the local gang Braxton Red. He is awesome, but I DO love Jackie Earle Hailey. Brax and his number 2 take Sprug back to the bar after Sprug promises him unearthly power. Then Sprug riles the gang even more by suggesting that Brick is disrespecting on their turf. They "go to war", and go search for Brick. Brick fucking kills the whole gang that comes, and fatally wounds Braxton. Braxton escapes back to Sprug, who promises to heal him if he'll help him get back to his planet. He does, Sprug heals him and says, "from now on, you work for me." Big mistake. Braxton just fucking squooshes him and mashes him flat. Then he takes the bomb back and goes to kidnap the chick.
The chick's son and the neighborhood yell for Dollman to save her, so he jumps out of a 4 story window landing on the back window of the getaway car. He then holds on til they get to the hideout. By then Braxton's wound is bleeding again, and he's dying. Dollman either makes them wait 3 hours, or he's so small it takes him that long to get over to his position to kill the homies. Big battle ensues, Guess who comes out on top? I say if you're a fan of Full Moon, then you've probably already seen this at some point, if not, do it. If you are a fan of this column, it is a full on must see. Cheers.