Saturday, August 6, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Solarbabies (1986)

"They've conditioned us here to be so afraid. There's gotta be a place to go. *We were not born here.* We had parents on the outside, families who might still be alive. Maybe we could find them." - Terra

"Scorpions. You've had special treatment, favors, and training by experts from my maiming squads. Do you deny that...? Yet you just allowed yourselves to be TRASHED, by left-brain rollers using homemade gear." - Stricktor

"Remember, behavior determines existence... Stick with us, learn to serve the Order, and you'll achieve a decent life-grid." - The Warden

Ok, after a long search, I figured out this wasn't the movie I was thinking of. I went into this thinking I was going to review PRAYER OF THE ROLLERBOYS, which I haven't seen in years. At least I think that's the one, it may end up being Rollerball after all. Either way, there sure were a lot of sci/fi action rollerskate movies aimed at kids in the 80s. I'd seen all of them before, but they seem so similar and/or it's been so long, they get mixed up in my head. Isn't that Spanish poster awesome?? This one ended up being badass either way, starring weirdo Lucas Haas, Jaime Gert the chick from LOST BOYS, Jason Patric, Charles Durning (Pappy O'Daniel from OH BROTHER WHERE ART THOU), and a cameo by Alexei Sayle from the british tv show THE YOUNG ONES!! All of them star in SOLARBABIES!!!

Our film begins with a heated battle between 2 teams playing a futuristic sport that's like a cross between lacrosse, roller hockey and basketball. One team called the Scorpions seem to be sponsored by these future cops (tomorrow police hahaha). They're the dicks. The other team is the Solarbabies. They are orphans who sneak out of these orphanages to play this game because they are forced in these things to live some kind of brainwashing paramilitary style life. Also because there is nowhere else to go. It's the year 41 in some kind of future where water is scarce. The remainder of water is locked up in some kind of giant waterholder that they briefly mention at the end of the flick. Kids are put into orphanages to be indoctrinated into programs that work for the "Protectorate". Yep, you're right, it's some facist shit.

So the youngest dude Daniel is deaf and on that particular day, the cops come to bust up their game, & everyone has to split through caves to get back to the orphanage. Daniel falls and finds a magic sphere in a creek in the cave that cures his deafness. It's name is Bodi (pronounced Boad-eye). So he finally makes it back for class or whatever they were doing (those orphanages were like prisons, fuck that). He hid Bodi until their work & punishment was over. Bodi listens to their conversation and makes it rain in their barracks. They all freak out, and notice that Daniel can hear them. He shows them Bodi. Bodi bonds with all of them over the next few days and lets them play the rollerball game with him. One orphan that seemed like he was of native american background named Darstar steals Bodi, & splits the orphanage with his owl. There is this dick, the main dude from the Scorpions who is like the Stricktor's pet, for some reason he works with the cops. They never explain that. Everyone wants to kick his ass. He is a constant pain to everyone. Daniel ends up running away to find Bodi. The other solarbabies runaway to find Daniel. Problem is, there's nothing out there but wasteland desert.

Darstar catches up with his home tribe. His tribe is going to try and sell Bodi to the Protectorate for money. The cops come after the solarbabies and the Stricktor finds out they have Bodi which is like some legendary savior ball or something. They decide to find it and destroy it. The cops find Darstar's tribe in search of the solarbabies. Darstar runs away but they kill his owl. The solarbabies catch up to Daniel. They go to Tiretown in search of Darstar after they bury his owl. They look around, escape when the cops come but are captured by 2 mercenaries, Alexei Sayle in a cowboy hat & some other British dude. Terra, the girl escapes. Darstar is captured. Bodi is taken by the cops who then try their best with the witch lady from WILLOW to destroy it. They can't but they keep heating it up to weaken it.

So Terra's dad ends up being the head Eco Warrior and he helps the solarbabies escape. They are psyched but still know they must free Bodi. So they split to the main waterbase thing where the cops are killing Bodi with some huge robot. They bust in and reenergize Bodi just by being there, and they rollerskate around and fuck shit up. Stricktor gets killed by the robot and I was glad because he was a jerk. Bodi is like "let's get outta here" in his magic telekinetic way, and somehow he makes the whole place explode with water busting out of the side of the building. I guess the place was like a dam or something. Then he flies into space and makes a thunderstorm. Daniel is sad, but Jason points out that Bodi didn't leave them, he'll always be inside of them. Then they do that COCOON energy thing. Pretty good. Not sure if it's better than PRAYER OF THE ROLLERBOYS, but I can't remember if that's good or not either. We'll see when I watch it again.

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