Thursday, May 21, 2009

bad/awesome flixxx review: Bond*A*Thon version

Last year, our agent sent my father and I a 007 Box Set.  It has five Bond flicks in it, and I just got around to watching them the last couple days.  I'd seen some of them before, but usually even the bad ones are worth watching again, especially if its been a long time.  I started out last week watching one of them with my dad, and decided i'd share my thoughts with you.  At first I was just thinking and commenting on this and that, then I started comparing the songs, the babes, the spots, the plots, the villains.  I don't know how much of it Ill share, but it all matters.

Diamonds are Forever- This flick has class written all over it.  It's Connery.  Takes place mostly in Vegas. Bond steals a badass Mustang in this one and has a killer car chase thru Vegas.  This dude Blofeld is the main bad dude.  He strokes a cat all day, he's got a couple doubles, and a voice box that makes him sound like this hick that he's impersonating, Willard Whyte.  He also has 2 ninja chicks that get thrown in a hot tub near the end.  The main babe is a red head who is not on James' side, then she is, then she's not again.  Typical.  He bangs her anyway.  She stays alive.  Oh yeah, and there are these two gay assassins.  Mr Wint, and Mr. Something.  I liked their back'n'forth puns, I was hoping they'd be back in other films, but they get set on fire, and blown up @ the very end.

The Living Daylights- This was the first film for Timothy Daltrey.  No relation to Robert.  This one's very confusing.  Basically, this KGB dude is defecting to England, he has secrets, so Bond is sent to help get him there.  Bond stops the main chick of the flick from sniping him out on the way outta town.  So they have him back @ MI6, but a Russian dude knocks out the milkman and infiltrates the country house.  Then he whoops everyones ass and has a helicopter fly in and snatch the guy.  M1 thinks they fucked up and lost the dude.  Bond goes back after the sniper chick who just so happens to be a concert cellist.  He grabs her case, sees they were blanks in the gun, figures it was all a ploy, and sets in to bust the KGB dudes ass.  He makes friends with the main KGB dude, rats the guy out, and it turns out the dude is trying to make bread smuggling opium to dudes, tripling his money, then in turn buying Laser guns from JOE DON FUCKING BAKER!!!  there's also a nice cameo by Christian from LOST as a CIA guy.  All in all, this one is a confusing turd, with a babe that might have been hot if i was really into Phil Collins and watched a lot of Miami Vice.  but i dont.  Plus, the song was by fucking A-HA.  cram it.

The Man with the Golden Gun-  When I was younger, I was a Roger Moore man.  maybe it was because most of the Bonds i had seen were starring him.  Maybe it was because of the word, Octopussy.  Either way, while i was watching this today, I started to realize what a fucking creepy lecher Bond is.  And then I thought, well, maybe its just this one film.  He is always busting into hotel rooms and watching chicks shower, or busting into hotel rooms and rubbing up against a chick or flipping her into some hay, and then forcing himself down onto them.  I counted at least 5 times in this movie where a normal dude would be slapped or had the police called on him.  So, Octopussy, Maud Adams was actually in this flick as a different chick, Ms. Anders.  Christopher Lee plays Scaramanger the bad guy who kills dudes for a million dollars a pop.  He's got this plot to sell the contraptions to the governments of the world that will run everything on solar power.  He also has a house on an island in China w/ a funhouse in it, that is ran by the little midget from Fantasy Island.  This one is pretty good.  Not Moore's best, but worth watching.  I guess the main chick in this one is Ms Goodnight.  Pretty hot, and she describes herself perfectly when falling for James, "weak".  Also there is a car that flys.

Goldfinger-  So this is a ton of buddies personal favorite.  I don't know about that for me.  Its another great one.  Goldfinger is a total prick.  But, i don't know.  The chick Pussy Galore, even though she has the best name, is pretty plain jane.  Don't get me wrong... I love the brassieres those pilot chicks wear.  What a great shape!  I think they should bring back those bras, and the really high belted waistlines.  I'm waaay down for that.  I'm just sayin, Bond has had better.  And again, maybe I watched too many in a row.  Goldfinger was a... I mean come on... some of these guys, Bond acts like he's up against the ropes.  Some of these dudes can be taken out easily.  I guess that's not always the point.  I was thinking of Scaramanger from the Golden Gun.  He fucking killed the one Chinese guy, and was like, I am now head of this organization.  Then he says, "bury him in the masoleum."  Then he just splits.  Being the head of an organization is a big responsibility.  Especially an organization of crime.  Those guys were probably thinking, where the fuck did he go?  Anyway... There were a few things in Goldfinger that were weird... like, they didn't tell you till the end that Pussy called Washington to warn them, but then when they were flying to eat with the President, how the fuck did Goldfinger get past everyone, tie up those 3 guards, and stow away on the plane?  It seems a little odd to me.  hahaha.  I don't really give a fuck.  I just don't believe that this secret agent gets so much ass.  All his friends seem to think he's a ladies man, but in reality, he's a fucking creepster, and kind of a slimeball, semi-rapist.  But, at times, he is a bad motherfucker.  More soon.

1 comment:

  1. Great reviews. My favorite's always been "The Man with the Golden Gun".