Friday, January 14, 2011

bad/awesome flixxx review: Swamp Thing (1982)

"Oh Shit... Here Comes Trouble!"- Jude

"Everything's a dream when you're alone."- Swamp Thing

"A man who loves, gives hostages to fortune."- Arcane

Alahoyus everyone! What an awesome flick. Not sure if any of you ever saw this, or its sequel with Heather Locklear, or even the television series in the 90s on USA channel. They all started here in 1982 with Adrienne Barbeau's cleavage. That's pretty much the star of the movie to tell it true. It definitely keeps you interested. You even see her bare breasts for a moment, but the cleavage is so much better in my opinion. I feel like the whole movie revolved around her chest. Or maybe that's just what I was paying attention to. Also, one of the coolest posters, and best trailer's I've ever seen... "monsters, and midgets!" Ray Wise, Louis Jourdan, Dick Durock, and Adrienne Barbeau's tits in Wes Craven's SWAMP THING!!!

Not sure if you are a Swamp Thing fan or not. I've read the first 5 graphic novels by Alan Moore. This adaptation however is based on Wein's original story of Swamp Thing. In Moore's version, Swamp Thing was just a monster, not a man. In this version, the original version, Swamp Thing is created deep in a swamp in Louisiana (really it was filmed entirely in Charleston, SC). The movie goes that there's this eccentric brother/sister duo of scientists living down there in this shack that has a secret laboratory underneath. Alec Holland, and his sister are working on making some shit that will someday hopefully grow plants in ungrowable places like deserts. They wanted to make an aggressively growing plant formula.

So in the beginning of the film, this chick is called in to be the new assistant or something. The old one doesn't like it in the swamps. So they fly in Cable (Barbeau). She notices a sensor out right away, but this dude in charge is like forget it. Then she meets the head dude Alec. He says lets go out and fix the sensor, and then he starts creeping on her right away. Who the hell could blame him really. No man in the world could take their eyes off her rack, except for maybe long enough to ponder how she gets her hair like that. She is like, 'save it asshole' thinking that his sis is his wife. He doesn't correct her. She later figures it out and feels stupid cause she digs him. Ok, so then these guerilla dudes infiltrate the headquarters and start killing everyone. Then they go in the lab and the main bad guy Arcane (Jourdan) reveals himself by pulling off a rubber mask. Awesome!!

Then Alec falls backwards into his mixture of glowstick goo after that kill his sister. It sets him on fire because that stuff is flammable obviously, and he runs off into the swamp. Then he transforms into Swamp Thing. Then he kicks a bunch of ass. There is a back and forth in the swamp between the bad guys and Swamp Thing, and he keeps rescuing Cable and her little friend Jude, and then going back into the swamp. After they burn the shack down, Arcane steals the notebooks and tries to make the formula himself.

However, he fucks it up and turns his best goon into a midget with piglike features. Then he figures out he didn't have the last notebook. Finds it, kidnaps Cable and Swamp Thing, and asks him what he did wrong. Then after Swamp Thing is like," it turns you into what you are the most", Arcane is like "well, fuck it, I'm a genius, I'm gonna turn into a super genius", and he drinks the glowstick juice, only he turned into some kind of cocoon. Then the cocoon bursts open and reveals a weird wolf-man with a long mohawk and tail, and like armour skin or something. Then he gets a sword, and even though the midget helps them escape, Swamp Thing ends up having to battle Wolf-Arcane in the swamp and somehow magically heals Cable after her boobs are slashed. He brings her back to life, kills Arcane-Wolf and then stalks off into the swamp telling Cable to tell their story and vowing to see her again. This is a totally awesome bad flick in all the best ways. Wes Craven, thumbs up buddy. See it now on netflix instant before its gone.

1 comment:

  1. Almost thirty years later and Adrienne is still one hot mama. Where in her gene pool did things go so right?